• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

unmerged(24115)

Second Lieutenant
Dec 30, 2003
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I'm actually playing 1.07 because I have a really old mac. And 1.07 is the latest patch that will play on it.
 

unmerged(24115)

Second Lieutenant
Dec 30, 2003
141
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Chapter 3: Strife and Progress, Progress and Strife

August 1431, London

Jones - "Sir, some interesting news just in from Luxemburg."

Chadsworth - *Wakes with a start* I was having the most marvelous dream. Me and Mrs. Chadsworth were sipping on some chammomile down by the lakeside. Only thing was she was wearing a Helvetian guard outfit and I was 12 inches high. Other than that, lovely dream."

Jones - "Well then...Umm...The Luxemburgers have got themselves involved in a war with pfalz and are marching their large army to the east. Combined with the fact that we warned them about such behavior...Now seems the opportune time to strike."

Chadsworth - "That's excellent, We march to war September 17th."

September 17th, London.

Jones comes rushing in - "Sir, the world dissaproves highly of our DoW! You did sign the resubscription form for the warning didn't you?"

Chadsworth - "Yes, of course I did! I remember quite clearly, I filled out the form, put my 33 ducats inside and placed in on that table over there for delivery." He points off to the side.

Jones - "That table there, the one with the form and ducats sitting on it now?"

Chadsworth - "Yes, that very one."

Jones - "You do realize that when you want to send a diplomat, you have to actually call for the diplomat to send don't you?"

Chadsworth - "Hmm, well I do now. I guess we'll worry about the consequences of that later then. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" Begin foreshadowing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Neither the Hungarians or the Austrians on lux's side have any ports, or easy land access to the Luxemburger's or me. Too bad for them. Unfortunatly Lux's Siege was progressing faster than my siege.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jones - "The news from the front isn't good sir. The Luxemburger's are mere months from capturing Pfalz. I'm afraid this war maybe all but lost."

Chadsworth - "Lost? Never give up, Never give in! The future of England is at stake here! Tea Man! Tea! Give me the maps, I'll use my 'Amazing Brain' to figure something out."

Jones - "I'll get right on it." He steps over the scroll case and selects from the bin marked 'Tea Route 66'. Scratched out underneath the label is Central Europe.

Chadsworth - "You see here Jones, If we can't get Lorraine and Pfalz to agree we can still win this war."

Jones - "That's so mind shatteringly Tearriffic it just might work. Gaining Military Access from Pfalz and Lorraine we can break the Siege on Pfalz and not have to cross water to do it."

Chadsworth - "They didn't put me in charge behind the scenes here for no reason."

Jones - "Very true sir, They put you in charge behind the Scenes because your father wanted to move to North Umberland and paint serene lake scenes."

Chadsworth - "Don't think of it as nepotism Jones, think of it as me securing the natural order."

Jones - "I'll try sir."

A few months later

Jones - "Our operation was a success, we crushed the Luxemburg army in Pfalz and we are now moving back to luxemburg. There is only one problem. When we left the Burgundians took over the siege."

Chadsworth - "That is it! They are not allowed in the Next war!"

Jones - "Not to worry sir, Talbot is in the Area, he'll sneak in and the burgundians won't realize what's happened until we're raising the English flag over the city."

Chadsworth - "I'm not sure they'll even realize then..."

Nov 23rd, 1432, London

Jones - "Luxemburg has fallen and they couldn't resist the temptation to become civilized. There is only one problem. According to my in depth statistical analysis, our Bad boy factor is at 15.7."

Chadsworth - "Is that bad?"

Jones - "It's certainly not good."

Chadsworth - "What can we do about it?"

Jones - "Mostly just wait around for a while. We probably shouldn't go beating on any cetral european minor kingdoms for a while."

Chadsowrth - "That's fine then. I was thinking of building a lovely Fine art's academy and modeling after that one they have in France...That luv-ruh place."

Jones - "Do you mean the Louvre?"

Chadsworth - "Yes, Spot on."

Jones - "Need I remind you sir, forward in time analogies are really useless. The louvre won't be used as an art museum for several hundred years yet. And if you want to be liked by your friends you have to make current references to things that they would know about, not to some future time."

Chadsworth - "I just find it so hard to keep my mind in the now, Jones. In the now we have no Tea, but in the future time, we have tea. As you can plainly see the future is just better. Besides I don't know how to make current events jokes."

Jones - "Here I'll try one on for you. 'How many french minor kingdoms does it take to shoe a horse?'

Chadsworth - "I have to assume some fractional amount, depending on the population of that kingdom."

Jones *sighs* - "No sir, the answer is that it's a trick question. If the French knew how to shoe horses there wouldn't be any French minor kingdoms."

Chadsworth - "Ah, I see..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the next few years I tried to Bribe Bavaria into my allince (failed) tried to get maps from Dulkadir (Suceeded finally) and then tried to get maps from the timurid empire.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 1437 London

Chadsworth - "Oh glorious day!"

Jones - "Daye like this you relize that everything wasn't in vain. Tea wasn't just a dream of a deluded nations consciousness but a fact a reality set in stone."

Chadsworth - "Those Timurids may never know that they played right in to our hands showing us that there was tea in Bengal."

Jones - "They may never know that they have sealed their own fate. That's fine though. Savages the lot of them."

Chadsworth - "How's progress on that academy coming?"

Jones - "A few more years of dedicated saving and peace andwe should be there."

Feb 1438, London

Jones - "Dire news sir! Aragon has declared war on us!"

Chadsworth - "Ha! Pansies the lot of them! Ha!"

Jones - "Unfortunately they brought the Castilians and the Portuguese with them!"

Chadsworth - "Maybe I was a little hasty in saying the burgundians couldn't be involved in our next war. Invite them in."

A few hours later.

Chadsworth - "Well, Jones where is the Burgundian ambassador."

Jones - "About that sir, The burgundians when approached about our alliance said, and I quote 'You can take that alliance and shove it so far up your Wazoo no one will ever think of allying with you again, Ever! Oh, and by the way, Tea Sucks and your wife wasn't very satisfying in bed!'"

Chadsworth - "They didn't take the annexation of luxemburgers well it would seem."

Jones - "Apparently not sir."

Later that same day of the coast of Kent.

First mate vincent - "Admiral Doofus, Sir! we have orders to take on troops and depart for the Castillian shore but we have no where to put the troops! Your Breast plates of the world collection is taking up too much space!"

Admiral Doofus - "Well what about those thingies there, if get rid of them will there be enough room?"

First mate Vincent - "You mean the Cannons?"

Admiral Doofus - "Yeah, those thingies."

First Mate Vincent - Yes sir, but..."

Admiral Doofus - "Do it first mate Vincent."

First mate Vincent - "Yes sir."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got my ass handed to me on the high seas, lots of easy war score for their side. And on the ground things were only a little better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Late 1439 london

Jones - "Terrible news sir, Meath has fallen to the Portuguese."

Chadsworth - "How goes the war in aragon?"

Jones - "Slightly better sir, we've taken assignon, and are assalting two other provinces, but since Navarra joined the war on their side they are close to capturing guyonne. I fear we must needs get out of this war quick. If not, the French may attack."

Chadsworth - "Do what you must Jones. Do what you must."

February 1440 London

Jones - "the war is over sir. We ended up paying 25 ducats and giving Meath to the portuguese."

Chadsworth - "I will never forget this Jones, one day when the tea road is complete, the portuguese will pay, oh yes how they will pay!"

Jones - "An exorbinant tariff scheme sir? I thought you believed in a free market system?"

Chadsworth - "I think you missed my point Jones, I was trying to indicate some vengence at some point in the far future."

Jones - "My mistake sir, It hasn't been the best of days and I'm a little out of sorts."

Chadsworth - "This won't happen again, I've decided that France shall become out future ally. Prepare the gifts!"

Jones - "And the Fine arts?"

Chadsworth - "That will have to be a dream for some future date. Getting picked on is no fun. And a strong France as an ally will help prevent some silly wars."

October 1442 London

Jones - "France has invited us in to her alliance, but we have to go to war against a denmark and Novogorod."

Chadsworth- "Hmm, so where is the downside in this?"

Jones - "The war with Random countries sir."

Chadsworth - "There is no rule that says we have to fight right?"

Jones - "No, sir."

Chadsworth - "Sign me up!"

Some time later

Chadsworth - "It occurs to me, that other than France, everyone else in this alliance hates out guts. The Scots, those French minor Kingdoms, and well Gelre is indifferent I guess. That's not exactly a vote in our favor though."

Jones - "Well, I was hoping that France would just swallow all those minor kingdoms and that wouldn't be our problem anymore."

Chadsworth - "It's not like you to hope, Jones. You're usually more of the 'Morissey' type."

Jones - "Pop- culture references sir. Remeber.

Chadsworth - "Oh yeah, right... I meant to say Joan or Arc type."

Jones - "That won't work either sir. We never actually attacked Orleans. Alternate history references aren't great either."

Chadsworth - "Bah, You knew what I meant!"

Late 1445, London

A page comes running in. "Sirs! Sirs! A message from Pfalz!"

Chadsworth - "Let's see here. It says 'Tea tastes very bad. You are dumb. And we believe that you lack the nadgers to do anything about this letter, so pfffffffffffffffttttttt!"

Jones - "They didn't just go there did they sir?"

Chadsworth - "They most certainly did! How stupid do you have to be to insult a nation that borders you that is 10 times your size?"

Jones - "I believe we should coin a new term 'Pfalzstupid' to descibe how stupid that is."

Chadsworth - "Capital idea Jones. Capital. Send Talbot we're going to war, but don't tell the French!"

December 1446, london

Jones - "We've captured pfalz sure, forced them to be our vassals, give us military access, and their treasury."

Chadsworth - "Now mainz and wurzburg, we force vassalize them and in time diplo annex them. This plan is way better than the 50 bajillion bad boy points for Force annexing."

Jones - "I think so to sir."

Mar 1447, london

Chadsworth - "So basically Gelre is asking us tto join them in a war with a Brittany that revolted away in which every single other member of the alliance declined to enter? That's sooooo happening."

Jones - "It occurs to me, that maybe we could start a new alliance."

Chadsworth - "With Blackjack and hookers?"

Jones - "Sort of, I was thinking France."

Chadsworth - "That's a great Idea.

August 1449, London

Jones - "Those new more offensive army orders you instituted in January are working wonders sir!"

Chadsworth - "Marvelous. Simply Marvelous."

Jones - "One other thing sir, apparently the French would like us to join them in a war against the Swedes."

Chadsworth - "Didn't we already fight them?"

Jones - "we were in a lot of random wars, but we only fight in wars that matter."

Chadsworth - "Does this one matter?"

Jones - "Not at all sir."

Chadsworth - "By all means then join them!"

Current map

http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/8396/screensave44tn.jpg
 

Lurken

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Going strong, however not fast...
 

Ciçatrix

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Great update, may I ask which way you will get to Asia? over the Bosphorus or through Crimea? Or is this too long term. :)
 

unmerged(24115)

Second Lieutenant
Dec 30, 2003
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Ciçatrix said:
Great update, may I ask which way you will get to Asia? over the Bosphorus or through Crimea? Or is this too long term. :)
I'm tempted to go through Armenia for the gold reasons, but honestly I'll probably end up going the route that seems easier at the time.
 

stnylan

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Yes getting the French on side is a must, especially since you have some of their cores and France is quite willing to go to war.
 

Snake IV

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Fun indeed. Oh, and :rofl: :rofl:
 

coz1

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Very funny so far. And just think of all that tea!!

One thing though - won't being in an alliance with France hinder your land route from Calais? I suppose there is the chance to diplo-annex in future, or maybe you plan to go over the top of them.

Keep it up. I'll be watching the rest.
 

unmerged(24115)

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Chapter 4: The Pen is mightier than the sword, or how I learned to hate the French.

Nov 1451 London

Chadsworth is sitting at a table with maps strewn before him. He is intensly concentrating on the map of India with a far away look in his eyes. Jones slowly creeps up behind him.

Jones - "How goes the planning, sir?"

With a flail of arms and legs Chadsworth leaps up from the table. "Bloody Hell! You're going to give me heart palpations, Jones! You should wear a bell."

With a wry smile Jones replies "Terribly, sorry sir. Won't happen again."

Chadsworth - "Don't worry about, just fetch me my special box."

Jones goes to a cupboard by the back wall and pulls out a box marked "Chamomile"

Chadsworth - "Just a whiff or two should do for me today. Don't want myself salivating too much. The Tea Shakes are a terrible thing. It's verging on a national epidemic."

Jones - "Too true sir. Why my own mother came down with the shakes a few months past. We couldn't do a thing about it except let it pass."

Chadsworth - "I think it's about time we started saving up for a Fine arts academy again. Too often have the Tea Shakes brought about a national crisis. Art will help people get their mind of the emergency and try to remember how things used to be."

Jones - "The thing is sir, no one wants to remember how things used to be. They obviously wern't very good, because there was no tea."

Chadsworth - "True, True, but Peasants are a stupid lot. I just assumed they would forget."

Jones - "In somes ways this Tea Crisis has helped forge our identity as a unified nation sir. No matter what the walk of life we all have the same problem, lack of tea."

Chadsworth - "I never considered it that way Jones."

Jones - "I wouldn't have expected you to sir."

December 1451, London

Jones - "Aragon has declared war on us, again!"

Chadsworth dives under the table and peaks out slowly. "Psst, Jones...They're not right outside are they?"

Jones - "Of course not sir. That's just Pfalzstupid."

Chadsworth - "How are we going to beat them this time Jones? I don't want to lose more land to those filthy portuguese!"

Jones - "That won't be an issue sir. To coin a phrase, they brought a knife to a gun fight. Naples is no Spain, and our Ally France is more than a match for the Aragonian allaince. We aren't even fighting the Portuguese this time."

Chadsworth - "This could be a boon for us then, if France can take rousignon...or whatever that place is called, then we won't border Aragon anymore and they probably won't be so enthused about attacking us. So, I propose we respond to this war by doing nothing."

Jones - "Excellent sir. One other unfortunate bit of news sir, we've been hit by a wave of corruption in the beauracracy. I had to spend 100 ducats searching out and removing the offending officals."

Chadsworth - "Why do all the bad things happen when we are saving for a Fine Arts academy?"

Jones - "Actually sir they don't all happen when we are saving for things. It only seems that way because we are paying close attention to negative changes to our treasury. Purely a Psychological reaction."

March 1454 London

Jones - "The war is over sir. Just as we wanted came to pass, the French claimed roussoign. Now we are relativly safe from DoW's for now. We should be able to concentrate on our buildings ideas."

Jones looks around after summarizing the report and realizes he's walked into the kitchens again, and given yet another report to the head chef.

Jones - "Good day, ladies." Jones turns and leaves. A few giggles hasten him out the door.

Jan 1455, London

Chadsworth - "So let me get thi straight, I can either get revolt risk and loss of revenue, more revolt risk and some troop loss, or revolt risk stability loss and loss of revenue? All these choices are horrible! Why can't we kill them all and let god sort them out?"

Jones - "We can sir, the option is right there."

Chadsworth - "Oh, I see. That's just worse than the other three options. In that case, I guess will go for the oscillating monarchs in this whole roses thing. 4 Revolt risk ain't so bad in the home provinces."

Jones - "We shall persevere sir. It's our lot."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next years were very peaceful. Saving for the Fine arts mostly, but in september of 1457 I Diploannexed Pfalz. In Janruary of 1460 construction began on the Fine arts academy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 1462, The Tea Palace, London

Chadsworth - "You like it Jones? I picked the name out myself!"

Jones - "I never would have guessed sir."

Chadsworth - "I think it has a nice ring for an art museum."

Jones - "That it does sir."

Chadsworth - "I got a great deal on the art to Jones." I had it shipped in special from France."

Jones - "I never would have guessed sir."

Chadsworth - "The other reason I invited you down here is that uber central european alliance of Mainz,Hessen,Wurzburg,Hungary Scotland and Brittany expires in April. With a little bit of luck I think we can get Hessen and Mainz into Allaince with us."

Jones - "That's an excellent idea sir. We don't have to chop down everyone on our way to namchang."

July 1462, London

Jones - "Both Mainz and Hessen liked out ideas, out allaince is now Us, France, Mainz and Hessen."

Chadsworth - "I hope no one realizes what we are doing. I hope to be in the causcuses by then."

Jones - "It would be for the best. I don't think any of our allies will appreciate it if they realize that our aims or purely Tea. Nobody else quite gets it yet."

Chadsworth - "Quite gets it? Ha! That's the understatement of the year. They all think we are friggin' loony! Luckily for us, this european old guard won't realize that this loony is about to lay some eggs."

Jones - "I'm pretty sure not even you know what that means sir."

March 1466, London

Jones - "Mainz has accepted out vassaliztion proposal! This is most excellent sir!"

Chadsworth - "Those Germans, you give them some chocolate, get them drunk, they'll agree to anything."

Jones - "Reminiscient of the Queen really."

Chadsworth - "Yes, don't I know..."

A few days later

Jones - "Savoy has declared war on France. And Wurzburg has joined in! Now is our chance to force vassalize Wurzburg."

Chadsworth - "Send in that Edward fellow, he's no Talbot, but he'll do."

Jones - "I'll be right no it sir. The actual Wurzburgians have marched on Hessen. They should be able to hold them off for a while."

September 1466, London

Chadsworth - "How goes the war?"

Jones the siege is progressing quickly sir. "I'd say by may next year will be recieving some monthly incomes from the Wurzburgians, coupled with the fact that the Wurzburgians siege isn't progressing as nicely In Hessen, if need be we cen break that siege."

Chadsworth - "That's fantastic, once we get past Wurzburg we can start attacking again, All this fancy pants diplomacy can get old real quick."

October 1466, London

Jones - "You should read this one yourself sir."

Chadsworth - "Hmm, 'We have agreed to pay Savoy 24 ducats for looking at them funny back in March, please remit your 6 ducats, With many X's and O's France.'"

Jones - "Sir?"

Chadsworth - "FRAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCEEEE!"

Jones - "Sir?!"

Chadsworth - "I have never in all my life ever been involved with someone so intolerable so inexcusable as that worthless country down south. Mark my words Jones, one day France will pay for their Transgressions this day, Oh how they will pay. We send them money, and help them gain territory, and how do they repay us? By screwing us royally that's how! It's unacceptable! Balderdash! Poppycock!"

Jones - "Sir, I never heard such language in all my life!"

Chadsworth - "I can't be shamed Jones, for I am a England scorned. So mcuh so, that I am issueing a decree, the color blue is hereby banned. Anyone seen wearing it will be shipped off to France to stay, since the love it so much."

Jones - "Remind me never to get you so wroth sir, it's frankly quite intimidating."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned next time, to find out how France really really sucks!
 

Ciçatrix

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Great update.
But if you have banned blue, then this AAR needs to move to the vic forums. :)
 

stnylan

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And so the great lesson all true Englishmen should learn is once again demonstrated - never trust France!
 

unmerged(40258)

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yeah, well, that does sound like something France would do...

*shakes fist in the general direction of France*
 

coz1

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Well, at least now you can forge a path right through them. Besides, what do the French know about tea?
 

Fiftypence

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Foiled by the French! Hopefully those tea-haters will get there comeuppance soon.

*shakes fist in the general direction of France also*
 

joriandrake

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French Tea is the best! :D