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I feel like I repeat myself after each of your updates, but I justlove your AAR, its really funny :rofl:
Another step closer to the tea. Good job!
Another step closer to the tea. Good job!
Duke of Wellington: It's about time too. I think Jedisan took me some where in the neighborhood of ten tries. I was constantly using a missionary from the time I captured it until it converted. Isfahan is nice. It is now the wealthiest CoT in the world with Manhattan not far behind. 
stnylan: One more war with Persia. I think Ican handle that. As for India, I have to go through either Delhi, Gujarat or Jodhpur's capital. Meaning I have to force annex someone. At the moment I'm leaning towards Jodhpur.
stickman: I've been minting for a while. Because of the way govenors work in 1.07, I usually mint for a year to gain money. I also try to stay above 3000 ducats in case of emrgency wars. I like to but mercenary forces most of the time. As it is with my setting infantry is about as expensive anyways.
FlorisDeVijfde: Protestant World here I come! I wonder if anyone has pulled that off? A protestant world conversion?
J. Passepartout: I can't really complain. I kjust wanted to knock Persia out in 2 wars instead of 3. Ah well.
Ciçatrix: Thanks.
Iche_Bins: Thanks. I think I will pull it off in the end. The hard part is going to be raising the insane oamount of money it will cost me for level 6 forts along the tea route and at the same time keep updating technology.
Charle_88: Thanks, welcome aboard.
stnylan: One more war with Persia. I think Ican handle that. As for India, I have to go through either Delhi, Gujarat or Jodhpur's capital. Meaning I have to force annex someone. At the moment I'm leaning towards Jodhpur.
stickman: I've been minting for a while. Because of the way govenors work in 1.07, I usually mint for a year to gain money. I also try to stay above 3000 ducats in case of emrgency wars. I like to but mercenary forces most of the time. As it is with my setting infantry is about as expensive anyways.
FlorisDeVijfde: Protestant World here I come! I wonder if anyone has pulled that off? A protestant world conversion?
J. Passepartout: I can't really complain. I kjust wanted to knock Persia out in 2 wars instead of 3. Ah well.
Ciçatrix: Thanks.
Iche_Bins: Thanks. I think I will pull it off in the end. The hard part is going to be raising the insane oamount of money it will cost me for level 6 forts along the tea route and at the same time keep updating technology.
Charle_88: Thanks, welcome aboard.
SirCliveWolfe: Thanks for the compliment. You can expect an update either later today or tomorrow. It will cover England from 1674-1690. I'm going to claim it will be amusing, but I'll have to let everybody else be the judge and jury on that.
Chapter 19: As the world turns.
June 1674, London
Jones - “Orissa has accepted our proposal to join our alliance.”
Chadsworth - “That was easy. Just a couple of gifts and then a quick roll in the hay.”
Jones - “Well, being allied with us benefits Orissa sir. They probably thought we have some sort of interest in their territory.”
Chadsworth - “Will anyone declare war on Orissa? I mean really?”
Jones - “It’s too early to tell. It doesn’t hurt to see if anyone will though.”
Chadsworth - “I suppose Orissa must have forgot that we were the country that put them out of business almost a century ago.”
Jones - “It would appear so sir. Unless they have some dastardly plan to backstab us.”
Chadsworth - “Hmm...”
December 1675, London outside Smithy’s bar and grill Est. 1633
Three people stumble out of the bar. One of them takes a tumble.
Gadger - “Get up Quinn! I need to get home before me mum gets suspicious.”
Peter - “Yeah, Quinn! Walk it off!”
Quinn just groans.
Gadger - “Bloody hell! Peter I think there is something wrong with him. Give me that stick there.” Peter hands him a stick from the street.
Gadger pokes Quinn. “Quinn.” He pokes him a few more times. “Quinn!”
Peter - “Take off his scarf and hit him.”
Gadger removes the scarf. “He’s all splotchy like! That doesn’t look good.”
Peter - “Maybe we should take him to get leeched?”
Gadger - “I don’t know...He’ll probably shake it off. I’m just going to go home.”
Peter - “Ok, but what should we tell his mum?”
Gadger - “Let’s just say he fell in a well.”
A few days later at the palace
Jones - “Why are your eyes closed sir?”
Chadsworth - “I heard that the plague gets passed from person to person by looking into their eyes.”
Jones - “We don’t know how the disease is spread sir, but what you are doing is impractical.”
Chadsworth - “I don’t have the plague do I?”
Jones - “True, but your pants are torn to shreds and your shins are all bloody.”
Chadsworth - “It’s a little difficult moving around without eyes. But I only bumped into seven things or people on my way here this morning.”
Jones - “You only sleep three doors down sir.”
Chadsworth - “It’s a work in progress.”
Jones - “The plague seems to have tapered off a little bit sir. But overall we will lose quite a lot of citizens to this disease.”
Chadsworth - “Wait, I can’t see you. Are you keeping your eyes closed too Jones? I don’t want you getting the plague.”
Jones looks at him sharply. “Sir my eyes are closed tightly.”
Chadsworth - “Good, good. Issue a decree. ‘Until further notice, all English are instructed to keep their eyes closed to prevent further spreading of the plague. Chadsworth’”
Jones - “Sir, that really is not a good idea...”
Chadsworth - “Do it Jones. We got a people to save!”
Jones - “Ok sir, but we should probably cancel the 100th teaindependence day celebration next month.”
Chadsworth - “Truly Jones? This is a dark day indeed.”
May 1676, London
Chadsworth - “It occurs to me that sooner or later we are going to be needing an Indian ocean fleet.”
Jones - “That is true sir, but at the moment capacity in the region is relatively limited.”
Chadsworth - “Capacity for what? Alcohol?”
Jones - “No sir. I’m just saying we can’t build a fleet very quickly over there.”
Chadsworth - “We could build a shipyard.”
Jones - “That would help significantly sir. May I suggest we build it in Berhampur?”
Chadsworth - “Sounds excellent. By this time next year we can start on our massive ship building project.”
Jones - “Well sir. Shipyards actually take three years to build.”
Chadsworth - “Excellent, by this time three years from now we can start on our massive ship building project.”
October 1677, London
Jones - “Once again you have been found to have enacted poor government policies.”
Chadsworth - “That is absolute bollocks!”
Jones - “Sir your response to the plague I can only characterize as foolhardy. At best.”
Chadsworth - “The plague is gone, London was saved. I never said it was going to be easy.”
Jones - “As a result of your closed eyes decree, a third of London was burned to the ground. You sent all of our diplomats on missions. But since all our diplomats,ship captains, and sailors eyes were closed, we never heard from any of those ships again. Oh, and then there was the border skirmish with Georgia.”
Chadsworth - “That could have happened at any time.”
Jones - “But it did happen when our border sentries had their eyes closed. Do you know how hard it is to smooth over international tensions when you don’t have a diplomatic force to handle situations like that? I had to go there myself and oversee it personally!”
Chadsworth - “Okay, Okay, The consequences of the closed eye decree were vast, but I will not apologize for being the person who had the foresight to save England!”
Jones - “Foresight?”
Chadsworth - “Yeah, foresight.”
Jones - “Whatever, sir.”
Mid 1678, Azerbaijan
Mahmoud - “You know there sure have been a lot of people around recently going on about the awesomeness of Jesus.”
Abbad - “You’re right. Jesus was a great prophet and everything, but he wasn’t the messiah or anything.”
Mahmoud - “Do you think that maybe all these people are trying to get us to convert to Christianity?”
Abbad - “That’s sacrilege! We must discuss this further with our elders.”
A few days later
Abbad - “...and that’s why we need to start a massive uprising in the region so these English quit trying to convert us to their religion!”
Elder - “That is terrible news indeed. We must stage a revolt throughout the region to throw off the oppression of English colonialism.”
Mahmoud - “We should send word south about what we have surmised.”
Elder - “Indeed, indeed.”
August 1678, London
Jones - “There have been massive rebellions by heretics in Tabriz, Awhaz and Azerbaijan sir.”
Chadsworth - “Heretics eh? What’s this all about then? Do they want us to give them money? Perhaps better access to the native teas?”
Jones - “Ah no sir. They want to throw off the shackles of the repressive protestant movement in the area. As I said earlier, they are heretics.”
Chadsworth - “Well that is pretty much unacceptable. I even put it on the original list.” He pulls out a very old and tattered piece of paper. “Right there it says ‘All people along the tea route must adhere to one religion. That religion is Protestant.’” Catholic was written, but has been crossed out.
Jones - “Well sir we did post this in every official meeting place and every official government building.”
Chadsworth - “Then they know the rules? Then what’s the problem?”
Jones - “I’ve been thinking about this sir, and I believe the issue is that we send out all official decrees and declarations in English.”
Chadsworth - “As it should be.”
Jones - “Well sir, no one knows English in that region of the world.”
Chadsworth - “So what’s your point?”
Jones - “I’m saying they probably haven’t read the notices.”
Chadsworth - “But it is a crime to not read all official notices!”
Jones - “I have a feeling they don’t know that either. They probably haven’t read ‘Chadsworth’s Official Guide to Being a Good and Proper Englishman.’”
Chadsworth - “But that’s mandatory too!”
Jones - “Sir, I don’t think you understand...”
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In August of 1679 I had another plague. And then in July of 1682, I had another outbreak of heretics in Azerbaijan Hamadan and Awhaz. Now when was the last time I had a random conversion? Was that 1217?
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September 1683, London
Jones - “The nobles Sir Ralston and Sir Walston are here to see you sir.” Two men enter the room. One has a stylized R on his coat, the other a stylized W.
Chadsworth - “What can I do for you gentlemen?”
Ralston - “I have a problem with this man here. He is despoiling the good Ralston name!”
Walston - “How can I be despoiling the Ralston name? My name is Walston.”
Ralston - “But you used to be a Ralston and ever since your side of the family moved over to Wabana and changed your name to Walston I’ve had to deal with many impolite inquiries about you.”
Walston - “You have to move with the times Ralston. The tradition in Wabana is name everything with a W, so I made the switch.”
Ralston - “I’m the laughing stock of London society. ‘Oh, look at Ralston, He’s got the crazy cousin who moved to Wabana and changed his name to Walston.’ My wife is apoplectic!”
Walston - “That’s not my problem!”
Chadsworth - “Quiet! So, what do you want me to do about it anyway?”
Ralston - “I want you to force him to change his name back!”
Walston - “I want you issue a decree saying Ralston is an idiot!”
Chadsworth - “Hmm, Jones come over here.”
Jones - “Yes sir.”
Chadsworth - “So, what is likely to happen if I side with Ralston like I want to?”
Jones - “I imagine Walston will flee back to Wabana and try to raise a rebellion against you sir. He’s a very stubborn sort.”
Chadsworth - “Ok! I have my made decision. Sir Ralston you are a Ralston and can not change your name. I side with Sir Ralston...I mean the one who thinks of himself as Sir Ralston, not you. I’m actually siding against you.”
Sir W/Ralston - “I won’t stand for this!” He leaves the room in a huff.
Ralston - “Thank you sir. Your judgment is ever sound.” He turns and leaves.
Jones mumbles under his breath “Good lot of nothing he knows...”
Chadsworth - “What was that?”
Jones - “Oh nothing, sir. Nothing.”
January 1484, London
Jones - “We have made another switch to be more defensive oriented.”
Chadsworth - “That’s excellent news. Begin construction of stone fortresses all the way from Calais to Wurzburg.”
Jones - “That is a lot of fortresses sir.”
Chadsworth - “I know, but I just finished making several little stone fortresses for my scale model and I want to use them, so get on it.”
Jones - “Okay sir. But each one will cost us 420 Ducats each.”
Chadsworth - “Dare I ask how much a level 6 fortress would theoretically cost at the going rate?”
Jones - “2800 Ducats each sir.”
Chadsworth - “Wow...just wow.”
Jones - “I know sir, I know.”
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In February of 1685 I began construction on level 3 forts for the rest of the line.
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November 1685, London
London is in the grips of another plague. The third plague in the last 10 years. Some people are preaching on the streets about the end of days. And some passersby are stopping to listen. People are fearful, they need strong leadership and a cool hand to guide them through this tumultuous period. At the palace Jones is arriving to give his report on the conditions within the city. Jones walks into the room and stops short. He quickly raises his hand to cover his eyes.
Jones - “Is there a reason you aren’t wearing anything below the waist?”
Chadsworth - “Leeches”
Jones - “And you need to be naked for this?”
Chadsworth - “I figured it couldn’t hurt.”
Jones - “I see. Do you think you could perhaps cover yourself while I give my report?”
Chadsworth - “No can do Jones. You can’t stop modern science. My very life could be a stake.”
Jones - “Ok... Well sir the plague has popped up all over London and the doctors are unsure of how to get a handle on the situation. From what I’ve surmised I believe reducing contact with other people for a while should help reduce the spread of disease.”
Chadsworth - “Splendid. Have the order issued.”
Jones - “That is all I have. If you don’t mind I would very much like to leave now.”
Chadsworth - “One last thing, could you hand me that paper fan over there? I need to fan my special regions.”
Jones looks thoughtful and by turns horrified.
January 1687, London
Jones - “A Sir Isaac Newton is here to see you sir.” A man walks in with really curly hair.
Newton - “I have come to tell you that I have devised a new math that will revolutionize the entire world.”
Chadsworth - “How will this help us on our way to Nanching?”
Newton - “It will bring in much innovation that will surely turn the scientific world on it’s head.”
Jones - “I had heard that you were working on something new. What is it called?”
Newton - “Calculus!”
Jones - “I thought I heard of some German mathematician producing some new math called...”
Newton - “Leibniz is a hack! Everything he knows he stole from me, and he uses far inferior notation! Prime notation shall rule all! And another thing...”
Chadsworth - “Guards could you escort Sir Newton outside please?”
The guards move forward and sternly escort Newton out of the room.
Chadsworth - “Calculus? What is that?”
Jones - “From what I picked up in the latest Deutsche Mathematik Extravaganz, It is a brilliant new way of mathematically examaning real world phenomenons. It should completely revolutionize physics. And it has some simple uses too, it will allow you to, for instance, figure out the volume of a ball using something called a triple integral.”
Chadsworth - “But couldn’t you figure out the volume of the ball by immersing it in water and measuring the water level change?”
Jones - “Two things. One,yes you could, but what if the ball can’t be immersed in water? What would you do then? That’s where Calculus can come in. And thing two, how do you know that?”
Chadsworth - “I got a book recently. It has a lot of pictures.” Chadsworth holds up a thin volume titled Little Johnny Smith’s First Physics Primer.
Jones - “I see.”
December 1687, Londons official money changing station.
Merchant - “I need to exchange these louis’s for some coin of the land my good man.”
The money changer places the louis’s on one side of a scale and starts placing English gold coins on the other side. “Let’s see here, Hmm, a few more coins to this side of the scale... there you go.”
Merchant - “Your thumb was pressing down on that side of the scale.”
Money changer - “Ah! You are right!” He places a two more coins in the pile of English coins. The Merchant doesn’t notice it this time, but the moneychangers thumb is still tipping the scales.
Money Changer - “And now accounting for the five percent fee...”
Merchant - “I thought the Fee was three percent?”
Money Changer - “Nope, it is five percent.”
Merchant - “But what about that sign over there? It clearly says three percent!”
Money changer - “It’s out of date.” He then takes five more coins from the pile. “Have a nice day!”
The merchant leaves grumbling.
Once the merchant leaves, the money changer takes the louis’s and excess English coin and puts them in the safe minus a few coins. For expenses of course.
Back at the palace.
Jones - “We have a serious problem with corruption sir. We can either let it go and get 10% inflation, or we can spend 500 Ducats now to get rid of the problem.”
Chadsworth - “How do we let people like this get employed in the government?”
Jones - “It’s the bureaucracy sir. Every government needs it survive sir. It breeds corruption like an open wound.”
Chadsworth - “Just pay to have the corrupting people weeded out.”
Jones - “Ok sir.”
Chadsworth - “And if you catch anyone red handed, have them exiled to the Aleuts.”
Jones - “My pleasure sir.”
February 1688, London
Jones - “It seems we have a choice to make about the direction this country should take.”
Chadsworth - “Oh really? It’s not often I get to make policy decisions!”
Jones - “Are you daft? You make policy decisions all the time. But this isn’t a policy decision. King James the second has managed to royally aggravate the parliament in his few short years on the throne. We have another choice if we want for our ruler. William the Orange has come forth to claim the throne.”
Chadsworth - “Why switch? What does this Orange fellow bring? If you say oranges by the way, I’m sold.”
Jones - “It is unlikely he will be bearing any fruit when he arrives, but he does provide a nice alternative to James who is the most annoying Catholic ever. With Orange we get a nice protestant lad who just happens to have close ties to the Netherlands.”
Chadsworth - “Close ties to the Dutch, eh? What’s that all about?”
Jones - “He is Dutch sir.”
Chadsworth - “Why would we pick him then?”
Jones - “He’s much better at international diplomacy? And remember, not Catholic.”
Chadsworth - “Okay, you’ve sold me. Put the produce by the map table when it gets here, I’ll have some later.”
Jones - “Sir...Uhh...I’ll get right on that. Page come here.” The page wanders over and Jones leans down to whisper in his ear. “Go down to the market and see if you can buy some Oranges. Bring them by my room when you are done.” The page runs off.
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In 1689 I had John Locke which pushed me to 5 n innovation. That sucks. I only get .50 missionaries a year now. I have to start moving back the other way again. Also I had another slate of poor government policies in 1689.
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December 1689, London
Jones - “For once something you’ve tried has worked sir!”
Chadsworth - “What?”
Jones - “Your regulation of the medical profession has led to increased health throughout the empire and increased population.”
Chadsworth - “Regu what now?”
Jones - “Regulations. You signed them into law last year.”
Chadsworth - “Indeed I did. That is definitely something that I would do.”
Jones - “You don’t remember this at all do you?”
Chadsworth - “Nope.”
Jones - “Well we have hopes that this regulation should lead to less plagues and longer lives for everyone not involved with the army.”
Chadsworth - “That’s good I guess...”
Jones - “What’s wrong sir? You seem to be barely here today.”
Chadsworth - “My Venetian lady friend has left back to Venice...”
Jones - “I’m sorry sir.”
Chadsworth - “You’re sorry? No, I’m the one who is sorry. It cost me 20,000 pounds to get her to go away without leaking anything to the press!”
October 1690, London
Jones - “Sir I regret to inform you that apparently another plague has broken out...”
Chadsworth - “You told me this regulation was a good thing!”
Jones - “It is sir, if you just...”
Chadsworth - “Too late Jones!” Quickly Chadsworth rips off his pants and closes his eyes. Jones beats a hasty retreat.
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Stay tuned next time for Massive Wars! And Scandals! And the rise of a Great Nation! And Gratuitous Sex! Did I mention Wars?
I am not a popular fellow.
Mughal empire on the rise.
June 1674, London
Jones - “Orissa has accepted our proposal to join our alliance.”
Chadsworth - “That was easy. Just a couple of gifts and then a quick roll in the hay.”
Jones - “Well, being allied with us benefits Orissa sir. They probably thought we have some sort of interest in their territory.”
Chadsworth - “Will anyone declare war on Orissa? I mean really?”
Jones - “It’s too early to tell. It doesn’t hurt to see if anyone will though.”
Chadsworth - “I suppose Orissa must have forgot that we were the country that put them out of business almost a century ago.”
Jones - “It would appear so sir. Unless they have some dastardly plan to backstab us.”
Chadsworth - “Hmm...”
December 1675, London outside Smithy’s bar and grill Est. 1633
Three people stumble out of the bar. One of them takes a tumble.
Gadger - “Get up Quinn! I need to get home before me mum gets suspicious.”
Peter - “Yeah, Quinn! Walk it off!”
Quinn just groans.
Gadger - “Bloody hell! Peter I think there is something wrong with him. Give me that stick there.” Peter hands him a stick from the street.
Gadger pokes Quinn. “Quinn.” He pokes him a few more times. “Quinn!”
Peter - “Take off his scarf and hit him.”
Gadger removes the scarf. “He’s all splotchy like! That doesn’t look good.”
Peter - “Maybe we should take him to get leeched?”
Gadger - “I don’t know...He’ll probably shake it off. I’m just going to go home.”
Peter - “Ok, but what should we tell his mum?”
Gadger - “Let’s just say he fell in a well.”
A few days later at the palace
Jones - “Why are your eyes closed sir?”
Chadsworth - “I heard that the plague gets passed from person to person by looking into their eyes.”
Jones - “We don’t know how the disease is spread sir, but what you are doing is impractical.”
Chadsworth - “I don’t have the plague do I?”
Jones - “True, but your pants are torn to shreds and your shins are all bloody.”
Chadsworth - “It’s a little difficult moving around without eyes. But I only bumped into seven things or people on my way here this morning.”
Jones - “You only sleep three doors down sir.”
Chadsworth - “It’s a work in progress.”
Jones - “The plague seems to have tapered off a little bit sir. But overall we will lose quite a lot of citizens to this disease.”
Chadsworth - “Wait, I can’t see you. Are you keeping your eyes closed too Jones? I don’t want you getting the plague.”
Jones looks at him sharply. “Sir my eyes are closed tightly.”
Chadsworth - “Good, good. Issue a decree. ‘Until further notice, all English are instructed to keep their eyes closed to prevent further spreading of the plague. Chadsworth’”
Jones - “Sir, that really is not a good idea...”
Chadsworth - “Do it Jones. We got a people to save!”
Jones - “Ok sir, but we should probably cancel the 100th teaindependence day celebration next month.”
Chadsworth - “Truly Jones? This is a dark day indeed.”
May 1676, London
Chadsworth - “It occurs to me that sooner or later we are going to be needing an Indian ocean fleet.”
Jones - “That is true sir, but at the moment capacity in the region is relatively limited.”
Chadsworth - “Capacity for what? Alcohol?”
Jones - “No sir. I’m just saying we can’t build a fleet very quickly over there.”
Chadsworth - “We could build a shipyard.”
Jones - “That would help significantly sir. May I suggest we build it in Berhampur?”
Chadsworth - “Sounds excellent. By this time next year we can start on our massive ship building project.”
Jones - “Well sir. Shipyards actually take three years to build.”
Chadsworth - “Excellent, by this time three years from now we can start on our massive ship building project.”
October 1677, London
Jones - “Once again you have been found to have enacted poor government policies.”
Chadsworth - “That is absolute bollocks!”
Jones - “Sir your response to the plague I can only characterize as foolhardy. At best.”
Chadsworth - “The plague is gone, London was saved. I never said it was going to be easy.”
Jones - “As a result of your closed eyes decree, a third of London was burned to the ground. You sent all of our diplomats on missions. But since all our diplomats,ship captains, and sailors eyes were closed, we never heard from any of those ships again. Oh, and then there was the border skirmish with Georgia.”
Chadsworth - “That could have happened at any time.”
Jones - “But it did happen when our border sentries had their eyes closed. Do you know how hard it is to smooth over international tensions when you don’t have a diplomatic force to handle situations like that? I had to go there myself and oversee it personally!”
Chadsworth - “Okay, Okay, The consequences of the closed eye decree were vast, but I will not apologize for being the person who had the foresight to save England!”
Jones - “Foresight?”
Chadsworth - “Yeah, foresight.”
Jones - “Whatever, sir.”
Mid 1678, Azerbaijan
Mahmoud - “You know there sure have been a lot of people around recently going on about the awesomeness of Jesus.”
Abbad - “You’re right. Jesus was a great prophet and everything, but he wasn’t the messiah or anything.”
Mahmoud - “Do you think that maybe all these people are trying to get us to convert to Christianity?”
Abbad - “That’s sacrilege! We must discuss this further with our elders.”
A few days later
Abbad - “...and that’s why we need to start a massive uprising in the region so these English quit trying to convert us to their religion!”
Elder - “That is terrible news indeed. We must stage a revolt throughout the region to throw off the oppression of English colonialism.”
Mahmoud - “We should send word south about what we have surmised.”
Elder - “Indeed, indeed.”
August 1678, London
Jones - “There have been massive rebellions by heretics in Tabriz, Awhaz and Azerbaijan sir.”
Chadsworth - “Heretics eh? What’s this all about then? Do they want us to give them money? Perhaps better access to the native teas?”
Jones - “Ah no sir. They want to throw off the shackles of the repressive protestant movement in the area. As I said earlier, they are heretics.”
Chadsworth - “Well that is pretty much unacceptable. I even put it on the original list.” He pulls out a very old and tattered piece of paper. “Right there it says ‘All people along the tea route must adhere to one religion. That religion is Protestant.’” Catholic was written, but has been crossed out.
Jones - “Well sir we did post this in every official meeting place and every official government building.”
Chadsworth - “Then they know the rules? Then what’s the problem?”
Jones - “I’ve been thinking about this sir, and I believe the issue is that we send out all official decrees and declarations in English.”
Chadsworth - “As it should be.”
Jones - “Well sir, no one knows English in that region of the world.”
Chadsworth - “So what’s your point?”
Jones - “I’m saying they probably haven’t read the notices.”
Chadsworth - “But it is a crime to not read all official notices!”
Jones - “I have a feeling they don’t know that either. They probably haven’t read ‘Chadsworth’s Official Guide to Being a Good and Proper Englishman.’”
Chadsworth - “But that’s mandatory too!”
Jones - “Sir, I don’t think you understand...”
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In August of 1679 I had another plague. And then in July of 1682, I had another outbreak of heretics in Azerbaijan Hamadan and Awhaz. Now when was the last time I had a random conversion? Was that 1217?
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September 1683, London
Jones - “The nobles Sir Ralston and Sir Walston are here to see you sir.” Two men enter the room. One has a stylized R on his coat, the other a stylized W.
Chadsworth - “What can I do for you gentlemen?”
Ralston - “I have a problem with this man here. He is despoiling the good Ralston name!”
Walston - “How can I be despoiling the Ralston name? My name is Walston.”
Ralston - “But you used to be a Ralston and ever since your side of the family moved over to Wabana and changed your name to Walston I’ve had to deal with many impolite inquiries about you.”
Walston - “You have to move with the times Ralston. The tradition in Wabana is name everything with a W, so I made the switch.”
Ralston - “I’m the laughing stock of London society. ‘Oh, look at Ralston, He’s got the crazy cousin who moved to Wabana and changed his name to Walston.’ My wife is apoplectic!”
Walston - “That’s not my problem!”
Chadsworth - “Quiet! So, what do you want me to do about it anyway?”
Ralston - “I want you to force him to change his name back!”
Walston - “I want you issue a decree saying Ralston is an idiot!”
Chadsworth - “Hmm, Jones come over here.”
Jones - “Yes sir.”
Chadsworth - “So, what is likely to happen if I side with Ralston like I want to?”
Jones - “I imagine Walston will flee back to Wabana and try to raise a rebellion against you sir. He’s a very stubborn sort.”
Chadsworth - “Ok! I have my made decision. Sir Ralston you are a Ralston and can not change your name. I side with Sir Ralston...I mean the one who thinks of himself as Sir Ralston, not you. I’m actually siding against you.”
Sir W/Ralston - “I won’t stand for this!” He leaves the room in a huff.
Ralston - “Thank you sir. Your judgment is ever sound.” He turns and leaves.
Jones mumbles under his breath “Good lot of nothing he knows...”
Chadsworth - “What was that?”
Jones - “Oh nothing, sir. Nothing.”
January 1484, London
Jones - “We have made another switch to be more defensive oriented.”
Chadsworth - “That’s excellent news. Begin construction of stone fortresses all the way from Calais to Wurzburg.”
Jones - “That is a lot of fortresses sir.”
Chadsworth - “I know, but I just finished making several little stone fortresses for my scale model and I want to use them, so get on it.”
Jones - “Okay sir. But each one will cost us 420 Ducats each.”
Chadsworth - “Dare I ask how much a level 6 fortress would theoretically cost at the going rate?”
Jones - “2800 Ducats each sir.”
Chadsworth - “Wow...just wow.”
Jones - “I know sir, I know.”
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In February of 1685 I began construction on level 3 forts for the rest of the line.
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November 1685, London
London is in the grips of another plague. The third plague in the last 10 years. Some people are preaching on the streets about the end of days. And some passersby are stopping to listen. People are fearful, they need strong leadership and a cool hand to guide them through this tumultuous period. At the palace Jones is arriving to give his report on the conditions within the city. Jones walks into the room and stops short. He quickly raises his hand to cover his eyes.
Jones - “Is there a reason you aren’t wearing anything below the waist?”
Chadsworth - “Leeches”
Jones - “And you need to be naked for this?”
Chadsworth - “I figured it couldn’t hurt.”
Jones - “I see. Do you think you could perhaps cover yourself while I give my report?”
Chadsworth - “No can do Jones. You can’t stop modern science. My very life could be a stake.”
Jones - “Ok... Well sir the plague has popped up all over London and the doctors are unsure of how to get a handle on the situation. From what I’ve surmised I believe reducing contact with other people for a while should help reduce the spread of disease.”
Chadsworth - “Splendid. Have the order issued.”
Jones - “That is all I have. If you don’t mind I would very much like to leave now.”
Chadsworth - “One last thing, could you hand me that paper fan over there? I need to fan my special regions.”
Jones looks thoughtful and by turns horrified.
January 1687, London
Jones - “A Sir Isaac Newton is here to see you sir.” A man walks in with really curly hair.
Newton - “I have come to tell you that I have devised a new math that will revolutionize the entire world.”
Chadsworth - “How will this help us on our way to Nanching?”
Newton - “It will bring in much innovation that will surely turn the scientific world on it’s head.”
Jones - “I had heard that you were working on something new. What is it called?”
Newton - “Calculus!”
Jones - “I thought I heard of some German mathematician producing some new math called...”
Newton - “Leibniz is a hack! Everything he knows he stole from me, and he uses far inferior notation! Prime notation shall rule all! And another thing...”
Chadsworth - “Guards could you escort Sir Newton outside please?”
The guards move forward and sternly escort Newton out of the room.
Chadsworth - “Calculus? What is that?”
Jones - “From what I picked up in the latest Deutsche Mathematik Extravaganz, It is a brilliant new way of mathematically examaning real world phenomenons. It should completely revolutionize physics. And it has some simple uses too, it will allow you to, for instance, figure out the volume of a ball using something called a triple integral.”
Chadsworth - “But couldn’t you figure out the volume of the ball by immersing it in water and measuring the water level change?”
Jones - “Two things. One,yes you could, but what if the ball can’t be immersed in water? What would you do then? That’s where Calculus can come in. And thing two, how do you know that?”
Chadsworth - “I got a book recently. It has a lot of pictures.” Chadsworth holds up a thin volume titled Little Johnny Smith’s First Physics Primer.
Jones - “I see.”
December 1687, Londons official money changing station.
Merchant - “I need to exchange these louis’s for some coin of the land my good man.”
The money changer places the louis’s on one side of a scale and starts placing English gold coins on the other side. “Let’s see here, Hmm, a few more coins to this side of the scale... there you go.”
Merchant - “Your thumb was pressing down on that side of the scale.”
Money changer - “Ah! You are right!” He places a two more coins in the pile of English coins. The Merchant doesn’t notice it this time, but the moneychangers thumb is still tipping the scales.
Money Changer - “And now accounting for the five percent fee...”
Merchant - “I thought the Fee was three percent?”
Money Changer - “Nope, it is five percent.”
Merchant - “But what about that sign over there? It clearly says three percent!”
Money changer - “It’s out of date.” He then takes five more coins from the pile. “Have a nice day!”
The merchant leaves grumbling.
Once the merchant leaves, the money changer takes the louis’s and excess English coin and puts them in the safe minus a few coins. For expenses of course.
Back at the palace.
Jones - “We have a serious problem with corruption sir. We can either let it go and get 10% inflation, or we can spend 500 Ducats now to get rid of the problem.”
Chadsworth - “How do we let people like this get employed in the government?”
Jones - “It’s the bureaucracy sir. Every government needs it survive sir. It breeds corruption like an open wound.”
Chadsworth - “Just pay to have the corrupting people weeded out.”
Jones - “Ok sir.”
Chadsworth - “And if you catch anyone red handed, have them exiled to the Aleuts.”
Jones - “My pleasure sir.”
February 1688, London
Jones - “It seems we have a choice to make about the direction this country should take.”
Chadsworth - “Oh really? It’s not often I get to make policy decisions!”
Jones - “Are you daft? You make policy decisions all the time. But this isn’t a policy decision. King James the second has managed to royally aggravate the parliament in his few short years on the throne. We have another choice if we want for our ruler. William the Orange has come forth to claim the throne.”
Chadsworth - “Why switch? What does this Orange fellow bring? If you say oranges by the way, I’m sold.”
Jones - “It is unlikely he will be bearing any fruit when he arrives, but he does provide a nice alternative to James who is the most annoying Catholic ever. With Orange we get a nice protestant lad who just happens to have close ties to the Netherlands.”
Chadsworth - “Close ties to the Dutch, eh? What’s that all about?”
Jones - “He is Dutch sir.”
Chadsworth - “Why would we pick him then?”
Jones - “He’s much better at international diplomacy? And remember, not Catholic.”
Chadsworth - “Okay, you’ve sold me. Put the produce by the map table when it gets here, I’ll have some later.”
Jones - “Sir...Uhh...I’ll get right on that. Page come here.” The page wanders over and Jones leans down to whisper in his ear. “Go down to the market and see if you can buy some Oranges. Bring them by my room when you are done.” The page runs off.
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In 1689 I had John Locke which pushed me to 5 n innovation. That sucks. I only get .50 missionaries a year now. I have to start moving back the other way again. Also I had another slate of poor government policies in 1689.
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December 1689, London
Jones - “For once something you’ve tried has worked sir!”
Chadsworth - “What?”
Jones - “Your regulation of the medical profession has led to increased health throughout the empire and increased population.”
Chadsworth - “Regu what now?”
Jones - “Regulations. You signed them into law last year.”
Chadsworth - “Indeed I did. That is definitely something that I would do.”
Jones - “You don’t remember this at all do you?”
Chadsworth - “Nope.”
Jones - “Well we have hopes that this regulation should lead to less plagues and longer lives for everyone not involved with the army.”
Chadsworth - “That’s good I guess...”
Jones - “What’s wrong sir? You seem to be barely here today.”
Chadsworth - “My Venetian lady friend has left back to Venice...”
Jones - “I’m sorry sir.”
Chadsworth - “You’re sorry? No, I’m the one who is sorry. It cost me 20,000 pounds to get her to go away without leaking anything to the press!”
October 1690, London
Jones - “Sir I regret to inform you that apparently another plague has broken out...”
Chadsworth - “You told me this regulation was a good thing!”
Jones - “It is sir, if you just...”
Chadsworth - “Too late Jones!” Quickly Chadsworth rips off his pants and closes his eyes. Jones beats a hasty retreat.
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Stay tuned next time for Massive Wars! And Scandals! And the rise of a Great Nation! And Gratuitous Sex! Did I mention Wars?
I am not a popular fellow.
Mughal empire on the rise.
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Very fine indeed, I am glad Jones did not go blind when Chadsworth was avoiding the plague.
There are some things one should never have to contemplate, and Chadsworth's special regions are near the top of the list.
Just remind me, where was the tea route's other end supposed to be? Somewhere in China, yes? So that means you will have to fight the Mughals.
Great update.
Great update.
Nice to be able to see both ends of the tea route in one pic. Your BB is looking pretty good.
:rofl:Talkingdonkey said:
Inspired writing.
These plague outbreaks were annoying, but it looks like you weathered the storm.
J. Passepartout: The lingering after effects of that conversation have dogged Jones for many years now.
stnylan: Indeed.
Ciçatrix: Nanching, or nanchang...perhaps it is namching...anyways, yes fighting the Mughals is inevitable.
Duke of Wellington: The BB is manageable for now, there is still a lot of territory to cover though. Apparently later in the game the BB limit really shoots up. I've never played that far, but it sounds useful.
stickman: Thanks. 4 plagues in 17 years. I guess I can be happy that it wasn't 4 political crises in 17 years.
Iche_Bins: Could be, Could be. I'm looking forward to their rise in the late 1700's, I'm gonna beat the crap out of them.
stnylan: Indeed.
Ciçatrix: Nanching, or nanchang...perhaps it is namching...anyways, yes fighting the Mughals is inevitable.
Duke of Wellington: The BB is manageable for now, there is still a lot of territory to cover though. Apparently later in the game the BB limit really shoots up. I've never played that far, but it sounds useful.
stickman: Thanks. 4 plagues in 17 years. I guess I can be happy that it wasn't 4 political crises in 17 years.
Iche_Bins: Could be, Could be. I'm looking forward to their rise in the late 1700's, I'm gonna beat the crap out of them.
IIRC the BB limit tends to go up around mid to late 18th century. Certainly it will be useful
Chapter 20: More Cowbell
January 1692, London
Jones - “I have a charter here for you to sign sir.”
Chadsworth - “What for?”
Jones - “The creation of a Bank of England.”
Chadsworth - “We already have one of those. What do we need another one for?”
Jones - “No sir, we have a ‘First National Bank of England’, this is a ‘Bank of England.’ That’s significantly different.”
Chadsworth - “And will this bank give us 300 Ducats like the last one?”
Jones - “No sir. We can, however, now take out loans of 500 Ducats at a time. And we also lose some inflation.”
Chadsworth - “We never use loans, and inflation is always zero.”
Jones - Never the less sir. You need to sign the charter.”
Chadsworth - “I’ll sign it, but only if you get me a muffin from the kitchens.”
Jones - “Can’t you just have a page do that sir?”
Chadsworth - “Those are my terms Jones! Take them or leave them.”
Jones - “Ok sir, I’ll get your muffin.”
January 1695, London
Jones - “We have reached trade level ten and infrastructure level ten today!”
Chadsworth - “That’s fantastic, so when are we going to reach the next levels?”
Jones - “Apparently there aren’t any more levels sir. Our researchers assure me that we have learned all that we possibly can about infrastructure and trade.”
Chadsworth - “How can they be certain?”
Jones - “I’m not sure sir. But they do the research and they assure me that is the case.”
Chadsworth- “Are you sure they’re just not lazy?”
Jones - “No sir, they tell me they are not.”
Chadsworth - “Can we put those researchers on other projects? Like our military technology? Or perhaps refining the perfect cup of tea?”
Jones - “Uh, no sir. They left a note which all the researchers signed simply saying, ‘Take this job and shove it, we ain’t working here no more.’”
Chadsworth - “Well then. I guess we can focus all our research efforts on land and naval now.”
Jones - “Indeed.”
February 1695, London
Jones - “Through our civil rebuilding initiative we’ve claimed some new land in Podolia!”
Chadsworth - “Whoopee. Look at me celebrate.” Chadsworth very languidly waves his hand back and forth.
Jones - “I know it is not that exciting, but it does increase the tax value in Podolia from 3 to 4.”
Chadsworth twirls his finger in a circle.
Jones - “That means we can build a level four fortress there now. Where before we could only build a level three.”
Chadsworth - “What? There is a connection between tax value and fort size?”
Jones - “If a province doesn’t have a tax value of at least six we can not build the largest level forts, theoretical as they may be.”
Chadsworth - “Are a lot of our provinces vulnerable to this hidden menace?”
Jones - “There are a few in eastern Europe, and we might run across a few in our future tea route territories.”
Chadsworth - “Hmm, this provides another level of complexity. Do we have armies stationed in the area?”
Jones - “I believe we have the 3rd Infantry Tea Guzzlers, sir.”
Chadsworth - “Those crazy bastards? That’s perfect. Keep them in the area no matter what, we must not ever let that region be undefended.”
Jones - “Ok sir, but we are going to need a lot more tea shipped to the region if they are going to be on permanent station there. They don’t call them the Tea Guzzlers for no reason.”
Chadsworth - “Fair enough, Fair enough.”
November 1695, London
Jones - “A Monsieur Lefay is here to see you sir.” A man wearing an obscene amount of blue walks in. Chadsworths eyes narrow.
LeFay - “I am how you say it? A man for the army. I can teach you tea drinkers the ins and outs of of greater offensive weaponry. And I offer my services for a very small fee.”
Chadsworth - “GET OUT!” LeFay trips and falls backwards in his surprise. He then gets up and makes a hasty exit.
Jones - “That was awfully rude sir.”
Chadsworth - “Only the French would use such a blatantly obvious ploy to try to get us to let down our guard defensively. He was wearing all blue! How stupid do they think I am?”
Jones - “I have to imagine, very sir.”
Chadsworth - “Where are the good Italian engineers when you need them? Fifty Ducats and the problems get solved.”
Jones - “They might be staying away because of the ‘issues’ you’ve had with the pope. They are very Catholic down there in Italy.”
Chadsworth - “Still, I’d even be willing to pay 75 Ducats.”
Jones - “Unlike you sir, they probably won’t whore themselves out for 25 Ducats.”
Chadsworth - “Really? 25 Ducats is a lot of money.”
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In 1696 I began building level 4 fortresses from Calais to Sudenten.
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February 1697, London
Jones - “China has annexed Korea. We have a casus belli on them for a while.”
Chadsworth - “That is interesting. What is the status report on our armies over there?”
Jones - “We have a decent sized army in Taiwan and another on Mahe. We have 2 fleets totaling about 55 ships. We can raise the most troops in Berhampur and Palimkedi.”
Chadsworth - “Have the ships split into 2 fleets. Take the army from Mahe and get over to Taiwan. Start recruiting troops in India. Get back to me when everything is ready.”
Jones - “Will do sir.”
June 1697, London
Jones - “Our ships are off the coast of China. And we are continuously building armies in India and Taiwan. Although building in Taiwan is significantly slower.”
Chadsworth - “Send the diplomat, and declare war on China. Have our armies disembark in Fujian and Kowloon.”
Jones - “Ok sir.”
Chadsworth - “After the army has disembarked into Kowloon, send that fleet back to Berhampur to pick up more troops. And keep building troops in India, we are going to need them.”
Jones - “We seriously outstrip the Chinese in land technology, but reports seem to indicate they will be able to respond with a lot of troops.”
Chadsworth - “I’m not worried.”
Jones - “A whole Lot of troops.
Early 1698, London
Jones - “Things are progressing well in China, but we have lost a significant amount of troops to repeated attacks in Kowloon. The hordes of Chinese have been flowing in from Guangzhou almost since we set foot in Kowloon.”
Chadsworth - “Seriously, where do these armies come from? Separate reports of an 81,000 man strong army and a different 45,000 man army?”
Jones - “About that sir, apparently there are five quintillion Chinese as of the last census. As long as they have money the Chinese will continue to have reinforcements ready to enter the fray.”
Chadsworth - “We’re gonna need a lot more English soldiers over there aren’t we?”
Jones - “Most definitely sir.”
Chadsworth - “Keep building in India and keep ferrying the reinforcements in.”
Jones - “I’ll send the orders out sir.”
Late 1698, London
Chadsworth has just finished sending out orders to begin construction of level 4 fortresses along the rest of the tea route. The bill was rather large.
Chadsworth - “How in the hell are we going to afford all those level 6 fortresses we need?”
Jones - “I’m not sure, but we have sometime to figure that out. Perhaps we could become international criminals?”
Chadsworth - “I’ve thought of that Jones, unfortunately there isn’t that much of a market for drug smuggling yet. Yet.”
Jones - “On other more pressing matters, we have captured both Fujian and Kowloon as you know. Our Kowloon army advanced to Guangzhou. They were able to repulse seventeen attacks by the Chinese. Unfortunately the eighteenth attack was a killer. They were entirely wiped out.”
Chadsworth - “York wasn’t leading that army was he? Has the Fujian force reached Nanching yet?”
Jones - “No sir, he’s leading the Fujian force and they are only now approaching Nanching sir. They first had to repulse a gargantuan force of 60,000 Chinese in Fujian before marching on.”
Chadsworth - “Take the forces we’ve built up in Taiwan and send them to reinforce the Fujian division. And get another Indian army into Guangzhou.”
Jones - “Will do sir. Are there any more orders?”
Chadsworth - “Yes, I would like for you to send for my Swedish ‘masseuse’.”
Jones - “Why do you throw up air quotes when you say the word masseuse?”
Chadsworth - “Oh, no reason.”
Jones - “Ok.... I’ll have her sent right in, sir.” Jones turns and leaves.
Chadsworth - “Page, do you think you could make a ‘Bow-chicka-wow-wow’ sound?”
Page - Yes sir! Bow-chicka-wow-wow!”
Chadsworth - “Excellent, just keep making that sound.” Chadsworth steps over to a cabinet and pulls out a nice looking robe.
July 1699, London
Jones - “Nanching has fallen and China has sent a letter.”
Chadsworth - “’Dear England, We would like for you to remove your troops from our territory to your territory in the provinces of Nanching and Fujian. If this agreeable, we will be most pleased. China’”
Jones - “That is excellent news sir!”
Chadsworth - “Huh? what news?”
Jones - “They just offered us Fujian and Nanching for peace!”
Chadsworth jumps up and waves his arms and legs akimbo. He then starts moving them haphazardly.
Jones - “What in the world are you doing?”
Chadsworth - “When I’m exceedingly happy, I dance. I dance like I’ve never danced before.”
Jones - “That would explain what you are doing now.”
Chadsworth starts singing with a reggae-esque beat- “I’mmmmmmm gonna get me some Chinese tea. I’mmmmmmm gonna drink it down by the sea! why-oh why-oh.”
Jones takes this opportunity to leave.
February 1700, London
Chadsworth - “I was checking the official letterheads today, Jones, why haven’t we changed them yet?”
Jones - “Why should we have them changed sir?”
Chadsworth - “We aren’t England anymore! We are the realms of Great Britain!”
Jones - “Uh, that hasn’t happened yet.”
Chadsworth - “What? Why not?”
Jones - “According to the English operations manual version 1.07, Scotland can’t exist for us to become Great Britain.”
Chadsworth - “Seriously? But I thought...”
Jones - “Version 1.09 of the English operations manual implies that we can merely vassalize them sir, but that applies to some other England. In fact I have no idea why it was ever printed. It has absolutely nothing to do with us.”
Chadsworth - “Well, invite Scotland into an alliance then.”
Jones - “I’ll get right on it sir.”
March 1700, London
Chadsworth - “Well, annex Scotland then.”
Jones - “I’ll get right on it sir.”
April 1700, London
Chadsworth - “Well release Ireland as a vassal then.”
Jones - “That will lower our BB by 3, Ulster will remain English.”
Chadsworth - “As it should be!”
May 1700, London
Jones - “The Act of Union has come to pass. We now are the realms of Great Britain! Our British empire will surely last a thousand years and oversee the greatest accomplishments of all time!”
Chadsworth - “Quite a patriotic speech there Jones.”
Jones - “I feel strongly on this sir.”
Chadsworth - “So now we get the Gaelic culture too. While keeping the French and Anglo-Saxon cultures we already have?”
Jones - “That is correct sir.”
Chadsworth - “Now that is a fellow I want to meet. Talks like a Scotsman, drinks tea like an Englishman and wears hats like a Frenchman. I bet he’d be a pretty interesting sort.”
Jones - “I’m sure he would be sir. In related news we now have several more Catholic provinces in our empire.”
Chadsworth - “Start the conversion process in new North England.”
Jones - “I’ll send the missionaries out first thing sir.”
Chadsworth - “Also don’t forget to change the letterheads. And the flags. And the military uniforms. And make sure that people start referring to themselves as British and not English. We want to be all inclusive here.”
Jones - “Inclusion? Since when do you do that?”
Chadsworth - “I don’t really, but you know how much I like uniformity. You know, everyone protestant, everyone wearing the same clothes, everyone drinking tea. Referring to ourselves as British will help eliminate some of those uniformity problems.”
Jones - “I’ll make sure that every corner of the empire gets the news sir.”
Chadsworth - “Didn’t we loan Bengal some money a few years ago? Did they ever pay us back?”
Jones - “About that sir, they did not pay us back. In fact they insisted that no loan ever took place and in fact, they even claim they have no idea what a Ducat is.”
Chadsworth - “Couldn’t they just have said they were tapped out, and they’d get us back later?”
Jones -”That’s not their style sir.”
Chadsworth - “War it is then.”
Jones - “I’ll alert the commanders sir.”
December 1700, London
Jones - “Carlos II has died sir. The line of Spanish Hapsburgs has died with him.”
Chadsworth - “That inbred yokel was still around? How in the world did he live for 39 years?”
Jones - “My best guesses are pixie dust and dark incantations, sir.”
Chadsworth - “So who is going to take over for Carlos?”
Jones - “Charles of the French line is set to take over sir, and frankly the rest of Europe isn’t pleased about this potential result.”
Chadsworth - “They aren’t pleased? I’m not pleased! I don’t want an Uber France running around. It wasn’t that long ago when we were always fighting wars with those buggers.”
Jones - “Okay we shall oppose them, sir. As a result we will gain a Casus Belli against France and against Austria.”
Chadsworth - “I see. Those won’t be needed, but if either of those two countries want to pick a fight, we are so ready.”
Mid 1701, London
Jones - “We have captured Sambalpur, and another province in the area, however, we are going to need to capture Ganges and several more provinces before we will have enough war score to get what we want sir.”
Chadsworth - “Excellent, excellent. Start working those Tea farmers in Sambalpur to the bone, we need more tea!”
Jones - “That won’t work sir. Although we control the region, the workers won’t start working for us until we show them official documents. They are a stickler for union rules. And union rule number one is don’t work for a foreign competitor.”
Chadsworth - “That’s disheartening. Tell me some good news.”
Jones - “Uh, after we conclude this war we will have a border with the Mughals, and there might be a chance that the Mughals will declare war on us. Although realistically countries are so afraid of the might of the British empire that probably won’t happen.”
Chadsworth - “I’ve heard tell that some people say that the sun never sets on the British empire.”
Jones - “That could be true, but we don’t have any colonies in the pacific, so I couldn’t very accurately say...”
Chadsworth - “Do you think people will remember me Jones? And if so, how will they remember me?”
Jones - “I’m certain of it sir. It is kind of hard to ignore a political advisor that just won’t die. Not to mention one that oversaw the rise of the greatest empire in the history of the world at the same time as performing some monumental blunders. You won’t be forgotten anytime soon.”
Chadsworth - “Thank you Jones, I needed that.”
Jones - “My pleasure sir.”
April 1702, London
Jones - “Bengal has accepted our proposal, we have gained the provinces of Sambalpur and Ganges.”
Chadsworth - “That’s three tea provinces Jones. That’s three. Have missionaries sent to Sambalpur to begin the process of conversion.”
Jones - “We can’t do that sir. We don’t have any missionaries.”
Chadsworth - “Why not?”
Jones - “Well ever since Newton and that Locke fellow scared away all the missionaries we only get one every two years.”
Chadsworth - “Why haven’t we done something about this?”
Jones - “Mostly because we also need to become a more defensive nation. Our next policy shift needs to make us more narrow minded.”
Chadsworth - “Well put it on the to do list.”
Jones - “Okay sir.”
Europe
India
China
Bad boy, bad boy for life.
January 1692, London
Jones - “I have a charter here for you to sign sir.”
Chadsworth - “What for?”
Jones - “The creation of a Bank of England.”
Chadsworth - “We already have one of those. What do we need another one for?”
Jones - “No sir, we have a ‘First National Bank of England’, this is a ‘Bank of England.’ That’s significantly different.”
Chadsworth - “And will this bank give us 300 Ducats like the last one?”
Jones - “No sir. We can, however, now take out loans of 500 Ducats at a time. And we also lose some inflation.”
Chadsworth - “We never use loans, and inflation is always zero.”
Jones - Never the less sir. You need to sign the charter.”
Chadsworth - “I’ll sign it, but only if you get me a muffin from the kitchens.”
Jones - “Can’t you just have a page do that sir?”
Chadsworth - “Those are my terms Jones! Take them or leave them.”
Jones - “Ok sir, I’ll get your muffin.”
January 1695, London
Jones - “We have reached trade level ten and infrastructure level ten today!”
Chadsworth - “That’s fantastic, so when are we going to reach the next levels?”
Jones - “Apparently there aren’t any more levels sir. Our researchers assure me that we have learned all that we possibly can about infrastructure and trade.”
Chadsworth - “How can they be certain?”
Jones - “I’m not sure sir. But they do the research and they assure me that is the case.”
Chadsworth- “Are you sure they’re just not lazy?”
Jones - “No sir, they tell me they are not.”
Chadsworth - “Can we put those researchers on other projects? Like our military technology? Or perhaps refining the perfect cup of tea?”
Jones - “Uh, no sir. They left a note which all the researchers signed simply saying, ‘Take this job and shove it, we ain’t working here no more.’”
Chadsworth - “Well then. I guess we can focus all our research efforts on land and naval now.”
Jones - “Indeed.”
February 1695, London
Jones - “Through our civil rebuilding initiative we’ve claimed some new land in Podolia!”
Chadsworth - “Whoopee. Look at me celebrate.” Chadsworth very languidly waves his hand back and forth.
Jones - “I know it is not that exciting, but it does increase the tax value in Podolia from 3 to 4.”
Chadsworth twirls his finger in a circle.
Jones - “That means we can build a level four fortress there now. Where before we could only build a level three.”
Chadsworth - “What? There is a connection between tax value and fort size?”
Jones - “If a province doesn’t have a tax value of at least six we can not build the largest level forts, theoretical as they may be.”
Chadsworth - “Are a lot of our provinces vulnerable to this hidden menace?”
Jones - “There are a few in eastern Europe, and we might run across a few in our future tea route territories.”
Chadsworth - “Hmm, this provides another level of complexity. Do we have armies stationed in the area?”
Jones - “I believe we have the 3rd Infantry Tea Guzzlers, sir.”
Chadsworth - “Those crazy bastards? That’s perfect. Keep them in the area no matter what, we must not ever let that region be undefended.”
Jones - “Ok sir, but we are going to need a lot more tea shipped to the region if they are going to be on permanent station there. They don’t call them the Tea Guzzlers for no reason.”
Chadsworth - “Fair enough, Fair enough.”
November 1695, London
Jones - “A Monsieur Lefay is here to see you sir.” A man wearing an obscene amount of blue walks in. Chadsworths eyes narrow.
LeFay - “I am how you say it? A man for the army. I can teach you tea drinkers the ins and outs of of greater offensive weaponry. And I offer my services for a very small fee.”
Chadsworth - “GET OUT!” LeFay trips and falls backwards in his surprise. He then gets up and makes a hasty exit.
Jones - “That was awfully rude sir.”
Chadsworth - “Only the French would use such a blatantly obvious ploy to try to get us to let down our guard defensively. He was wearing all blue! How stupid do they think I am?”
Jones - “I have to imagine, very sir.”
Chadsworth - “Where are the good Italian engineers when you need them? Fifty Ducats and the problems get solved.”
Jones - “They might be staying away because of the ‘issues’ you’ve had with the pope. They are very Catholic down there in Italy.”
Chadsworth - “Still, I’d even be willing to pay 75 Ducats.”
Jones - “Unlike you sir, they probably won’t whore themselves out for 25 Ducats.”
Chadsworth - “Really? 25 Ducats is a lot of money.”
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In 1696 I began building level 4 fortresses from Calais to Sudenten.
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February 1697, London
Jones - “China has annexed Korea. We have a casus belli on them for a while.”
Chadsworth - “That is interesting. What is the status report on our armies over there?”
Jones - “We have a decent sized army in Taiwan and another on Mahe. We have 2 fleets totaling about 55 ships. We can raise the most troops in Berhampur and Palimkedi.”
Chadsworth - “Have the ships split into 2 fleets. Take the army from Mahe and get over to Taiwan. Start recruiting troops in India. Get back to me when everything is ready.”
Jones - “Will do sir.”
June 1697, London
Jones - “Our ships are off the coast of China. And we are continuously building armies in India and Taiwan. Although building in Taiwan is significantly slower.”
Chadsworth - “Send the diplomat, and declare war on China. Have our armies disembark in Fujian and Kowloon.”
Jones - “Ok sir.”
Chadsworth - “After the army has disembarked into Kowloon, send that fleet back to Berhampur to pick up more troops. And keep building troops in India, we are going to need them.”
Jones - “We seriously outstrip the Chinese in land technology, but reports seem to indicate they will be able to respond with a lot of troops.”
Chadsworth - “I’m not worried.”
Jones - “A whole Lot of troops.
Early 1698, London
Jones - “Things are progressing well in China, but we have lost a significant amount of troops to repeated attacks in Kowloon. The hordes of Chinese have been flowing in from Guangzhou almost since we set foot in Kowloon.”
Chadsworth - “Seriously, where do these armies come from? Separate reports of an 81,000 man strong army and a different 45,000 man army?”
Jones - “About that sir, apparently there are five quintillion Chinese as of the last census. As long as they have money the Chinese will continue to have reinforcements ready to enter the fray.”
Chadsworth - “We’re gonna need a lot more English soldiers over there aren’t we?”
Jones - “Most definitely sir.”
Chadsworth - “Keep building in India and keep ferrying the reinforcements in.”
Jones - “I’ll send the orders out sir.”
Late 1698, London
Chadsworth has just finished sending out orders to begin construction of level 4 fortresses along the rest of the tea route. The bill was rather large.
Chadsworth - “How in the hell are we going to afford all those level 6 fortresses we need?”
Jones - “I’m not sure, but we have sometime to figure that out. Perhaps we could become international criminals?”
Chadsworth - “I’ve thought of that Jones, unfortunately there isn’t that much of a market for drug smuggling yet. Yet.”
Jones - “On other more pressing matters, we have captured both Fujian and Kowloon as you know. Our Kowloon army advanced to Guangzhou. They were able to repulse seventeen attacks by the Chinese. Unfortunately the eighteenth attack was a killer. They were entirely wiped out.”
Chadsworth - “York wasn’t leading that army was he? Has the Fujian force reached Nanching yet?”
Jones - “No sir, he’s leading the Fujian force and they are only now approaching Nanching sir. They first had to repulse a gargantuan force of 60,000 Chinese in Fujian before marching on.”
Chadsworth - “Take the forces we’ve built up in Taiwan and send them to reinforce the Fujian division. And get another Indian army into Guangzhou.”
Jones - “Will do sir. Are there any more orders?”
Chadsworth - “Yes, I would like for you to send for my Swedish ‘masseuse’.”
Jones - “Why do you throw up air quotes when you say the word masseuse?”
Chadsworth - “Oh, no reason.”
Jones - “Ok.... I’ll have her sent right in, sir.” Jones turns and leaves.
Chadsworth - “Page, do you think you could make a ‘Bow-chicka-wow-wow’ sound?”
Page - Yes sir! Bow-chicka-wow-wow!”
Chadsworth - “Excellent, just keep making that sound.” Chadsworth steps over to a cabinet and pulls out a nice looking robe.
July 1699, London
Jones - “Nanching has fallen and China has sent a letter.”
Chadsworth - “’Dear England, We would like for you to remove your troops from our territory to your territory in the provinces of Nanching and Fujian. If this agreeable, we will be most pleased. China’”
Jones - “That is excellent news sir!”
Chadsworth - “Huh? what news?”
Jones - “They just offered us Fujian and Nanching for peace!”
Chadsworth jumps up and waves his arms and legs akimbo. He then starts moving them haphazardly.
Jones - “What in the world are you doing?”
Chadsworth - “When I’m exceedingly happy, I dance. I dance like I’ve never danced before.”
Jones - “That would explain what you are doing now.”
Chadsworth starts singing with a reggae-esque beat- “I’mmmmmmm gonna get me some Chinese tea. I’mmmmmmm gonna drink it down by the sea! why-oh why-oh.”
Jones takes this opportunity to leave.
February 1700, London
Chadsworth - “I was checking the official letterheads today, Jones, why haven’t we changed them yet?”
Jones - “Why should we have them changed sir?”
Chadsworth - “We aren’t England anymore! We are the realms of Great Britain!”
Jones - “Uh, that hasn’t happened yet.”
Chadsworth - “What? Why not?”
Jones - “According to the English operations manual version 1.07, Scotland can’t exist for us to become Great Britain.”
Chadsworth - “Seriously? But I thought...”
Jones - “Version 1.09 of the English operations manual implies that we can merely vassalize them sir, but that applies to some other England. In fact I have no idea why it was ever printed. It has absolutely nothing to do with us.”
Chadsworth - “Well, invite Scotland into an alliance then.”
Jones - “I’ll get right on it sir.”
March 1700, London
Chadsworth - “Well, annex Scotland then.”
Jones - “I’ll get right on it sir.”
April 1700, London
Chadsworth - “Well release Ireland as a vassal then.”
Jones - “That will lower our BB by 3, Ulster will remain English.”
Chadsworth - “As it should be!”
May 1700, London
Jones - “The Act of Union has come to pass. We now are the realms of Great Britain! Our British empire will surely last a thousand years and oversee the greatest accomplishments of all time!”
Chadsworth - “Quite a patriotic speech there Jones.”
Jones - “I feel strongly on this sir.”
Chadsworth - “So now we get the Gaelic culture too. While keeping the French and Anglo-Saxon cultures we already have?”
Jones - “That is correct sir.”
Chadsworth - “Now that is a fellow I want to meet. Talks like a Scotsman, drinks tea like an Englishman and wears hats like a Frenchman. I bet he’d be a pretty interesting sort.”
Jones - “I’m sure he would be sir. In related news we now have several more Catholic provinces in our empire.”
Chadsworth - “Start the conversion process in new North England.”
Jones - “I’ll send the missionaries out first thing sir.”
Chadsworth - “Also don’t forget to change the letterheads. And the flags. And the military uniforms. And make sure that people start referring to themselves as British and not English. We want to be all inclusive here.”
Jones - “Inclusion? Since when do you do that?”
Chadsworth - “I don’t really, but you know how much I like uniformity. You know, everyone protestant, everyone wearing the same clothes, everyone drinking tea. Referring to ourselves as British will help eliminate some of those uniformity problems.”
Jones - “I’ll make sure that every corner of the empire gets the news sir.”
Chadsworth - “Didn’t we loan Bengal some money a few years ago? Did they ever pay us back?”
Jones - “About that sir, they did not pay us back. In fact they insisted that no loan ever took place and in fact, they even claim they have no idea what a Ducat is.”
Chadsworth - “Couldn’t they just have said they were tapped out, and they’d get us back later?”
Jones -”That’s not their style sir.”
Chadsworth - “War it is then.”
Jones - “I’ll alert the commanders sir.”
December 1700, London
Jones - “Carlos II has died sir. The line of Spanish Hapsburgs has died with him.”
Chadsworth - “That inbred yokel was still around? How in the world did he live for 39 years?”
Jones - “My best guesses are pixie dust and dark incantations, sir.”
Chadsworth - “So who is going to take over for Carlos?”
Jones - “Charles of the French line is set to take over sir, and frankly the rest of Europe isn’t pleased about this potential result.”
Chadsworth - “They aren’t pleased? I’m not pleased! I don’t want an Uber France running around. It wasn’t that long ago when we were always fighting wars with those buggers.”
Jones - “Okay we shall oppose them, sir. As a result we will gain a Casus Belli against France and against Austria.”
Chadsworth - “I see. Those won’t be needed, but if either of those two countries want to pick a fight, we are so ready.”
Mid 1701, London
Jones - “We have captured Sambalpur, and another province in the area, however, we are going to need to capture Ganges and several more provinces before we will have enough war score to get what we want sir.”
Chadsworth - “Excellent, excellent. Start working those Tea farmers in Sambalpur to the bone, we need more tea!”
Jones - “That won’t work sir. Although we control the region, the workers won’t start working for us until we show them official documents. They are a stickler for union rules. And union rule number one is don’t work for a foreign competitor.”
Chadsworth - “That’s disheartening. Tell me some good news.”
Jones - “Uh, after we conclude this war we will have a border with the Mughals, and there might be a chance that the Mughals will declare war on us. Although realistically countries are so afraid of the might of the British empire that probably won’t happen.”
Chadsworth - “I’ve heard tell that some people say that the sun never sets on the British empire.”
Jones - “That could be true, but we don’t have any colonies in the pacific, so I couldn’t very accurately say...”
Chadsworth - “Do you think people will remember me Jones? And if so, how will they remember me?”
Jones - “I’m certain of it sir. It is kind of hard to ignore a political advisor that just won’t die. Not to mention one that oversaw the rise of the greatest empire in the history of the world at the same time as performing some monumental blunders. You won’t be forgotten anytime soon.”
Chadsworth - “Thank you Jones, I needed that.”
Jones - “My pleasure sir.”
April 1702, London
Jones - “Bengal has accepted our proposal, we have gained the provinces of Sambalpur and Ganges.”
Chadsworth - “That’s three tea provinces Jones. That’s three. Have missionaries sent to Sambalpur to begin the process of conversion.”
Jones - “We can’t do that sir. We don’t have any missionaries.”
Chadsworth - “Why not?”
Jones - “Well ever since Newton and that Locke fellow scared away all the missionaries we only get one every two years.”
Chadsworth - “Why haven’t we done something about this?”
Jones - “Mostly because we also need to become a more defensive nation. Our next policy shift needs to make us more narrow minded.”
Chadsworth - “Well put it on the to do list.”
Jones - “Okay sir.”
Europe
India
China
Bad boy, bad boy for life.
At last Nanchang is yours. It seems like there will be a glut of tea now with all those new provinces. Nice work on China they are a difficult enemy.
Excellent! But deary me, Chadsworth seems to have had a few self-confidence issues.
Tea, tea and even more tea gets added to the British empire day by day, great update.
Is that Venice in Dublin?
Is that Venice in Dublin?