Chapter 17: The Days of our lives...
July 1637, London
Chadsworth - “It occurs to me that we have a freaking lot of Ducats lying around as a result of all that minting we did during the Anglo-Persian conflict.”
Jones - “They are mostly just sitting there gathering dust. They don’t even earn any interest.”
Chadsworth - “I believe it is time to start a global economic revitalization project. A G.E.R. if you will.”
Jones - “You want to mess with the economy? That’s not normal.”
Chadsworth - “Well what else are we going to spend the money on? A one million man army? Hmm...that’s not half bad of an idea...”
Jones - “You were saying about your brilliant economic revitalization program?”
Chadsworth - “Oh yes, we should build a few manufactories. We have plenty of Ducats. I think 3 manufactories should be adequate.”
Jones - “Any idea where we will build these manufactories?”
Chadsworth - “Well I’ve decided I want one goods manufactory and 2 refineries. And the plan has to encompass a significant part of our empire.”
Jones - “Well, we control Mahe, Table, Gascogne and Sacramento. All of those places are ideal for building refineries. As for the Goods manufactory, we have plenty of places that would welcome one, but I suggest here at home in England.”
Chadsworth - “Hmm, aren’t we worried about pirates if we build these refineries in those far away exotic locales?”
Jones - “Pirates won’t be an issue sir.”
Chadsworth - “Ok...how about we build in Sacramento, Table and here at home in Lincoln.”
Jones - “Excellent sir. I’ll contact our engineers and have them get to work immediately.”
November 1637, Mainz
Two men are in field hoeing at the ground. They are bundled up tightly against the cold winter snows.
Georg - “Why do we plant in November anyway? The grounds hard, almost nothing ever grows and it’s freezing out here!”
Bjorn - “We plant in November because that is the way we’ve always done it! That was the way grandpappy did it. That was the way pappy did it!”
Georg - “But if we plant in the spring we’ll just raise more crops. It would be great for everyone!”
Bjorn - “You can’t go against tradition you dullard! You sound like you’re from Pfalz!”
Georg looks at his hoe and then turns around and hits Bjorn upside the head with the wooden handle.
Bjorn - “Owwwwwwwwww!”
Georg throws the hoe on the ground and walks back to the shack he shares with his brother.
Bjorn still rubbing his head, “Well fine! You’re not going to be getting any of the winter crop!”
Back in London
Jones - “We’ve had an agricultural revolution sir. Mainz, Caux and Gascogne have all gained one manpower.”
Chadsworth - “What brought that on?”
Jones - “They apparently started this new idea, called ‘spring planting’...”
June 1639, London
Jones - “We have some good news sir. The inquisition in Lugansk was successful.”
Chadsworth - “Finally. I thought we’d never get another conversion with that dunderhead on the throne.”
Jones - “This also means than Jedisan is the only remaining Orthodox province in the empire. We will also be unlikely to to have any more orthodox provinces without a rebel province joining us.”
Chadsworth - “That is good news. Increase the tolerance for Muslims in the country and lower the tolerance for the orthodox faith.”
Jones - “What should we say on the press release?”
Chadsworth - “Hmm... How about , ‘England as a nation has been doing a lot of thinking. We are troubled by the direction the orthodox faith has taken with the rise of the imperialist Russians. We can no longer tolerate orthodoxy as we once could. However, we see Islam as a good religion to curb orthodox’s warping effect on the fabric of the region. Together with mighty Islam we can prevent Russian imperialism from conquering us all.’”
Jones - “That is the biggest load of bullpoop I have ever heard.”
Chadsworth - “I know, it’s pretty good isn’t it?”
January 1640, London
Jones - “We have received a message from Brittany.”
Chadsworth - “Let’s see how our Gaelic friends are doing shall we? ‘Dear England, Your aggression and unwarranted attacks on Scotland have offended our Gaelic sensibilities. You are silly tea drinking imbeciles. When we are standing on the burning ruins of London you shall know the true level of our enmity. And because we don’t believe you are smart enough to understand this note, basically we are saying, ‘We don’t like you.’ Brittany’”
Jones - “That was unexpected.”
Chadsworth - “I didn’t even start that war against Scotland. It wasn’t my fault. If they are mad at anyone they should be mad at Austria.”
Jones - “I’m sure Austria probably received a note as well.”
November 1640, London
Jones - “You should probably read the latest edition of the London Times, sir.”
Chadsworth - “Well ok, let’s see here. ‘Mary Masdon of 387 north Penny Tree lane was arrested yesterday in connection with the disappearance of queen Elizabeth’s head from a statue that was...’”
Jones - “No sir, the story titled, ‘A nation in crisis’”
Chadsworth - “Oh, let’s see, ‘The nations ruling ‘Tea gloriousness’ party has come to an impasse with the minority ‘Cagey badger’ party. ‘Tea gloriousness’ controls the nations merchant fleets, and the ‘Cagey badgers’ control the tar industry. They were attempting to reach a new accord on retarring the merchant ships. Now it appears both sides have left the bargaining table, and as a result tea may become scarce for the first time since Berhampur was liberated in 1576...’”
Chadsworth - “Quick buy up all the tea you can! We need to be ready for the darkness!”
Jones - “I’ve already had my people on it. However, the price of tea is skyrocketing hourly. It is already out of the reach of the common folk. And as a result the nation has lost three levels of stability.”
Chadsworth - “Pfalzstupid royalty! If Charles was worth anything we wouldn’t be having all these political problems.”
Jones - “Unfortunately sir, he’s not worth anything.”
October 1641, London
Jones - “Brittany has lodged a boundary dispute claim with us.”
Chadsworth - “If I’m not mistaken, we don’t actually share a border with Brittany do we?”
Jones - “That is correct sir. the only country Brittany borders is France.”
Chadsworth - “Why are they lodging a complaint with us? What the hell are we supposed to do about it?”
Jones - “I suggest we give them several hundred Ducats so we can settle this whole situation down.”
Chadsworth - “I’m not going to be giving them money for nothing!”
Jones - “If we settle the dispute amicably, we get a rise in stability and after that nasty business with the political parties we could use it.”
Chadsworth sighs
Jones - “I take that as a yes sir?”
Chadsworth sighs again.
January 1642, London
Chadsworth - “What is all this I’ve been hearing about an insurgency?”
Jones - “Oh you mean the English Civil War that Charles started by being the worst monarch he could be.”
Chadsworth - “Charles got this whole thing rolling? Can we pick the other side?”
Jones - “Yes, we can pick the Puritans if you would like. It will mean some rebellions in Bristol, Cornwall, Wales and North Umberland. Along with increased revolt risk for those provinces for several years. We do get the service of one Oliver Cromwell. He’s very big on the Puritan side.”
Chadsworth - “I do like commanders. Where is he? Midlands? Here in London?”
Jones - “He’s the leader of the Berhampur army.”
Chadsworth - “How is he going to have any affect on the outcome of this insurgency?”
Jones - “He’s probably not. But the Puritans really really like him.”
Chadsworth - “So how long before these Puritans win out and we get someone different?”
Jones - “It could be a while. Don’t hold your breath sir.”
May 1642, London
Jones - “The Scots have chosen to side with the royalists in our Civil war sir.”
Chadsworth - “Bloody hell!”
Jones - “What’s worse is that they have no troops on Brittania to put down the rebellions.”
Chadsworth - “Stupid Scots! Ask them for military access so we can put down the rebellions.”
Jones - “I’ll get right on it sir.”
July 1646, London
Jones - “We’ve been hit by another slate of poor government policies sir.”
Chadsworth - “Ok, that is it. Whoever decides this I’m gonna exile. To the Aleutian islands. He goes on the next colony ship.”
Jones - “I don’t think the London Times would take kindly to you kidnapping their managing editor. Besides as we have discussed you need to change your approach on domestic issues.”
Chadsworth - “I can’t be something I’m not Jones. I’m an innovator!”
Jones - “No sir. Leonardo Da Vinci was an innovator. You came up with the idea for solving the cities rat problem.”
Chadsworth - “We have less rats don’t we?”
Jones - “Yes, but niw we have a growing snake problem in the city.”
Chadsworth - “How was I supposed to know that those snakes would flourish in the city? But I guess you have a point. Not all my policies are gems. However, I’m still exiling that man to the Aleutian islands.”
Jones - “I’ll have the guards round him up sir.”
January 1648, London
Jones - “The Dutch resistance has finally ended sir.”
Chadsworth - “About bloody time. I thought my successor would still be dealing with this problem.”
Jones - “When do you plan on stepping down sir?”
Chadsworth - “We still have a lot of work yet. More tea route to build and the like.”
Jones - “Hmm, in related news, Flanders has converted to protestantism as a result of this event. And the revolt risk has entirely disappeared.”
Chadsworth - “I thought Flanders would never join the righteous. That is fantastic!”
Jones - “Apparently they put all their faith in the Dutch resistance. When they realized that we could hold them down for an eternity, they also realized that the best way to beat them is to join them. Smart people those Dutch.”
Chadsworth - “Now we can start thinking about improving fortifications along the route.”
Jones - “Yes, it is about time.”
March 1648, London
Jones - “Once again a meteor has been spotted. Our stability has dropped a level.”
Chadsworth - “I had the sky watching club done in! All of them! I made looking at the sky a thirty lashes offense! How did this happen?”
Jones - “You know us English sir. We are good law abiding folk. There was no sky watching involved. The people sighted the meteor as it was slamming into a church in Yorkshire. It was kind of hard to miss.”
Chadsworth - “And just because it hit a church people are taking this as some kind of ill omen?”
Jones - “They are literally fleeing in terror sir.”
Chadsworth - “Hmm, perhaps we can just claim it was a weather balloon...”
January 1649, London
Jones - “Cromwell has returned from India and claimed the throne. Charles I has been deposed.”
Chadsworth - “Who gave Cromwell permission to return from India?”
Jones - “When I say he returned from India, I mean he metaphorically returned from India. He physically is still running the army in Berhampur.”
Chadsworth - “I see. So what are we going to do now that the Puritans have won?”
Jones - “If we are too harsh we will convert to reformed. I suggest we be merciful.”
Chadsworth - “Oh lord yes.”
Jones - “We do gain more a level of innovativeness.”
Chadsworth - “That’s disheartening. I much prefer narrowminded thinking.”
Jones - “Don’t I know. But on the plus side Cromwell is easily the best ruler we’ve had since Elizabeth. It would be wise to spend our money on those hard inquisitions while he ‘rules’ the country.’”
Chadsworth - “Yes, quite. Begin inquisitions in Astrakhan and Mainz.”
Jones - “Will do sir.”
December 1649, London
Chadsworth - “So let me get this straight, this is the hundredth pirate ship we’ve sank of the coast of California in the last 15 years. I told you we would have a pirate problem.”
Jones - “Well, circumstances changed somewhat sir. Once we turned Yukon into a colonial city, the pirate ships could no longer resist our ships laden with gold.”
Chadsworth - “Hasn’t the Pacific fleet been sinking the pirates?”
Jones - “The pirates keep appearing as fast as they are sunk.”
Chadsworth - “We need to increase the size of the fleet over there. Commission warships from all ports along the Californian coast. We need to make sure this pirate menace doesn’t spread to valuable tea route from India. Gold is one thing, but so help me, the first time a pirate hijacks a ship laden with tea...”
Jones - “Perish the thought sir.”
Chadsworth - “No, perish the pirate, Jones. Perish the Pirate.”
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In march of 1651 I completed my colonial city on Taiwan. Giving me a good place to stage from in future attacks on China.
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October 1652, London
Jones - “The Roman Catholic church has issued an Edict of Tolerance. Portugal and Spain no longer have Cores all over the world.”
Chadsworth - “It’s easy to preach tolerance when you are getting beat down by Protestant countries all over Europe. Where was that tolerance a hundred years ago when we became protestant?”
Jones - “Nonexistent sir, but they have realized the error in their ways and changed course.”
Chadsworth - “I’m still not going to tolerate Catholics. I don’t have enough tolerance to go around. And getting that rebel Spanish San Bernardino joining England won’t change my mind either.”
Jones - “The rebellions there are mostly harmless. A few hundred chaps most of the time.”
Chadsworth - “Well that’s good. We won’t be forced to stop our inquisitions will we?”
Jones - “Probably not sir. We will probably have to use less violent tactics.”
Chadsworth - “That just takes all the fun out of it.”
Jones - “I’m sorry sir, but the times they are changing.”
Chadsworth - “That’s just a fancy way of saying things aren’t as good as they used to be.”
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In 1653 I had another run of poor government policies. Then in 1655 I had some corruption. Still waiting on some random converserion events.
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February 1656, London
Jones - “We received a letter from our good friends Courland.”
Chadsworth - “Let’s see what those blokes have to say shall we? ‘We are informing you that we will not tolerate your aggressive trade practices in our Center of Trade. We are sick of your monopolistic practices. You are hereby banned from Kurland until further notice. Courland.’”
Jones - “Sir?”
Chadsworth is clutching the letter tightly with his lips pressed together shaking violently.
Jones - “Sir! Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out.”
Chadsworth starts breathing, but the shaking is still there.
Jones - “What’s odd about this situation is that we only sent one merchant. When there was a slot open. When we only had three merchants in Kurland.”
Chadsworth - “Get out the list! Add Courland’s name to it. They are dead to me! You hear me? DEAD TO ME!”
Jones - “Sir, isn’t that response rather harsh?”
Chadsworth - “One day we will be there at the fall of Kurland, and afterwards I will laugh. Oh how I will laugh.”
Jones - “Talk sane sir.”
Chadsworth - “We will not respond to their requests, we will shun them at every opportunity and when the time comes to form a new alliance. They won’t be in it. Then I will encourage Brandenburg to take their fair share. I will oversee the downfall of Courland. I Will!”
Jones - “I’ll just talk to you later then. After you’ve calmed down a bit. Or perhaps a lot.”
April 1658, London
Jones - “Courland has canceled the trade embargo they had on us.”
Chadsworth - “Who? I can’t hear the pleas of the damned.”
Jones - “I’ll just handle it myself then sir.”
August 1659, London
Jones - “The Courland are interested in renewing a royal marriage...”
Chadsworth - “Why do you even ask? You know how this ends.”
Jones - “As the assistant it is my job to bring this up before you. Even if I know how your response will go.”
Chadsworth - “Well, that’s reassuring. But still, they can burn in hell.”
Jones - “I’ll send them a note saying we decline.”
April 1660, London
Jones - “With the passing of Oliver Cromwell we must decide on who we want to succeed him.”
Chadsworth - “I don’t normally care for the Stuarts, but that interim guy we had was horrible. I believe we should go with Charles the second. On the idea that there is no way he can be as bad as his relative.”
Jones - “Ok, sir. As for Cromwell’s reign that was truly a great period in our history.”
Chadsworth - “Why do you say that?”
Jones - “For one we are now down to only one Catholic province, one orthodox province and one reformed province in our empire. Fairly shortly we should be able to fully tolerate the Moslems.”
Chadsworth - “We haven’t made any real progress for 25 years now. It seems countries are afraid of us. I may have to come up with some new tactics.”
Jones - “Not some more of your new tactics, I’m sick of getting hit with poor government policies.”
Chadsworth - “Quiet You!”
Europe/Income
Middle east/sliders
Far East
North America 1
North America 2
Indeed Cromwell is nice, but Jones might be attempting to kick Chadsworth upstairs. We'll have to wait and see if he suceeds.
