meh, you stole my CoT collecting from the 8 kings of hungary 
This better be one entertaining AAR to balance that insult
This better be one entertaining AAR to balance that insult
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So far Henry V seems to have cooped with his arrival pretty well. Better than the various clerks and what have you. Nice cameo by Apollo.
Saulta said:This is fun! Keep up the good work,
Hehe, thanks, it is fun writing it, too!
EvilSanta said:
eh, dont have anything to do at home but surf this forum, so expect more quality updates!
Pal said:
Not recently, there must be a joke trapped somewhere in my head, just waiting for a chance to get out. However, be warned: there are a lot of recycled jokes in here
stnylan said:
Thanks, i immagined this part of the dialogue as i would like to see it on screen... :rofl:
Dr Bob said:
Stole? Bah, i didnt even read it!
Fnuco said:
Hey! I live in the Midlands. Why couldn't you employ a tax collector somewhere else instead?
Apart from that, I'm really enjoying your aar.
And I was wondering if I can borrow Fluffy next time I play EU. I never know what to do with my sliders. I'll make him minister for slider affairs.
Good stuff, Mammon had better have better luck in his later endeavours than he does choosing a name.
Garuda said:Hey! I live in the Midlands. Why couldn't you employ a tax collector somewhere else instead?
Apart from that, I'm really enjoying your aar.
And I was wondering if I can borrow Fluffy next time I play EU. I never know what to do with my sliders. I'll make him minister for slider affairs.
welcome Garuda!
Well, Midlands are one of the BTV 11 provs, so i started promoting TCs in the richest provs. It was either there or in Lancashire, IIRC.
Fluffy didn't make the DP click. Mammon did.
Duke of Wellington said:
Guess we'll have to wait and see... I hope so, too
@all:notice this is NOT necessarily a gameplay AAR, so if i fail at it, dont blame me. It's all Mammon's fault. :rofl:
Monday afternoon, the royal palace. Mammon flies in through the window, riding Fluffy.
Henry V: “Late for your first day at work.”
Mammon: “You know, it really is a wonderful life! Just this morning I was wondering how much until Fluffy here gets his wings. Then I forgot what I was thinking about, so I went out and decided to steal some money. And guess what? What they say is true: Every time someone gets robbed, a dragon gets his wings.”
Henry: “I’m sure it was a very interesting experience…”
Mammon: “We flew around a bit, then I got bored, so I came here.”
Henry: “I could use some counseling about now. See, we have some kind of a stalemate in France. Normandie and Caux are in our control. What do we do now?”
Mammon: “Wait a minute! Where are the flames?”
Henry: “Flames?”
Mammon: “Looting, man! How do you expect to make any money if you’re not looting? Look here: you have 25000 infantry and 6000 cavalry in Caux. Who is commanding them?”
Henry: “Henry the fifth, the king of England!”
Mammon looks at the king, then back at the map. Then at the king again. He scratches his head.
Mammon: “Oh, no… I’m not going there again. I’ll just have to take your word for it” (mumbles): “Crazy Englishmen”
(out loud): “Ok then, loting 101: Send 1000 cavalry to Normandie, so they can loot there. 1000 infantry stays in Caux. 1000 infantry goes to Picardie. That leaves you with 23000 infantry and 5000 cavalry under ‘your’ command. Use them to attack the 8000 French in Paris.”
Henry: “We have 6 more ducats. What do we do with them?”
Mammon’s eyes light up: “Well, let’s see… Probably I should take them for safekeeping.”
Henry: “Yes, you’re probably right”
Mammon (to himself): “These humans are really this stupid? What was I so worried about?”
Henry: “What’s that?”
Mammon (blushing): “Did I just say it out loud?”
Henry: “A-ha. I think I will send two merchants to Flandern instead…”
Mammon, turning away and walking out of the room: “I got to stop doing that!”
Jan 19
Mammon: “Hey! I have some great news!”
Henry: “Did we win the battle?”
Mammon: “What? Oh, probably, I don’t know… anyway, guess what: Fluffy went potty yesterday! I was so proud!”
Henry: “Ok, sure. So we won?”
Mammon: “Oh, yeah, the Frenchies were annihilated.”
Henry: “Do we vassalize them when this is over?”
Mammon: “Hell no! We take their provinces. All of them! And we could also get some food later… I really like fish and chips. By the way, what fish is that? I met a fish once, and he said he would grant me three wishes if I spared his life. He tasted like chicken. Can we have chicken and chips instead?”
Henry: “Do you listen to yourself when you talk?”
Mammon: “I drift in and out… I’m hungry.”
Henry: “Yeah, I kind of noticed that.”
Mammon eyes greedily Henry’s glove. “You gonna eat that?”
Henry: “You can’t eat a glove!”
Mammon: “Wanna split it?”
Henry V: “Late for your first day at work.”
Mammon: “You know, it really is a wonderful life! Just this morning I was wondering how much until Fluffy here gets his wings. Then I forgot what I was thinking about, so I went out and decided to steal some money. And guess what? What they say is true: Every time someone gets robbed, a dragon gets his wings.”
Henry: “I’m sure it was a very interesting experience…”
Mammon: “We flew around a bit, then I got bored, so I came here.”
Henry: “I could use some counseling about now. See, we have some kind of a stalemate in France. Normandie and Caux are in our control. What do we do now?”
Mammon: “Wait a minute! Where are the flames?”
Henry: “Flames?”
Mammon: “Looting, man! How do you expect to make any money if you’re not looting? Look here: you have 25000 infantry and 6000 cavalry in Caux. Who is commanding them?”
Henry: “Henry the fifth, the king of England!”
Mammon looks at the king, then back at the map. Then at the king again. He scratches his head.
Mammon: “Oh, no… I’m not going there again. I’ll just have to take your word for it” (mumbles): “Crazy Englishmen”
(out loud): “Ok then, loting 101: Send 1000 cavalry to Normandie, so they can loot there. 1000 infantry stays in Caux. 1000 infantry goes to Picardie. That leaves you with 23000 infantry and 5000 cavalry under ‘your’ command. Use them to attack the 8000 French in Paris.”
Henry: “We have 6 more ducats. What do we do with them?”
Mammon’s eyes light up: “Well, let’s see… Probably I should take them for safekeeping.”
Henry: “Yes, you’re probably right”
Mammon (to himself): “These humans are really this stupid? What was I so worried about?”
Henry: “What’s that?”
Mammon (blushing): “Did I just say it out loud?”
Henry: “A-ha. I think I will send two merchants to Flandern instead…”
Mammon, turning away and walking out of the room: “I got to stop doing that!”
Jan 19
Mammon: “Hey! I have some great news!”
Henry: “Did we win the battle?”
Mammon: “What? Oh, probably, I don’t know… anyway, guess what: Fluffy went potty yesterday! I was so proud!”
Henry: “Ok, sure. So we won?”
Mammon: “Oh, yeah, the Frenchies were annihilated.”
Henry: “Do we vassalize them when this is over?”
Mammon: “Hell no! We take their provinces. All of them! And we could also get some food later… I really like fish and chips. By the way, what fish is that? I met a fish once, and he said he would grant me three wishes if I spared his life. He tasted like chicken. Can we have chicken and chips instead?”
Henry: “Do you listen to yourself when you talk?”
Mammon: “I drift in and out… I’m hungry.”
Henry: “Yeah, I kind of noticed that.”
Mammon eyes greedily Henry’s glove. “You gonna eat that?”
Henry: “You can’t eat a glove!”
Mammon: “Wanna split it?”
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I rather feel that this is a learning experience for both of them - right up until Henry dies. Then Mammon will have to break in another King all over again.
Dam this is good. Talkingdonkey, you have to look out when AARland Choice AwAARds 2006 Q2 comes up.
I don't know whos dumber out of the two, Mammon or Henry V. Perhaps Henry is just naive?
Aer you sure about the vassalization thing? You'll have to conquer all of France if they get their CoT in Ile-De-France, so is diploannexing them not easier?
stnylan said:I rather feel that this is a learning experience for both of them - right up until Henry dies. Then Mammon will have to break in another King all over again.
i don't know where this is going, but i have a great opening line for henry VI already... :rofl:
EvilSanta said:
couldn't agree with you more! but hey! if the start is bumpy, maybe they (well, i mean Mammon) can get better at this governing stuff as they go along.
Snake IV said:Dam this is good. Talkingdonkey, you have to look out when AARland Choice AwAARds 2006 Q2 comes up.
how nice of you to say that!
o TD's stuff made me write a comedy AAR in the first place, and i still consider it to be the best EU2 AAR around to date.
Duke of Wellington said:
'dumb' is such a harsh word... henry IS naive, but Mammon... well, Mammon is a slow learner. aw, forget it, he's as dumb as a post!
Grundius said:
I'm not sure. I never was. But then again, Mammon is caling th shots, and man! can he be a stubborn ass!
Casluerj said:
Thanks cas, good to have you with us.
I will write my next update tonight.
Mammon leaves the royal palace. Fluffy should be with him, but nobody really knows, since it is on invisible mode again.
Mammon: “Hey Henry!”
Henry: “Yes?”
Mammon: “I’m off to France.”
Henry(puzzled): “You are? Why?”
Mammon: “As my dad once used to say: First you get the power, then you get the money, then you buy all kind of useless things… like love”
Henry: “You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!”
Mammon: “Hmm… point taken. Well, I’m off… If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer”
April 1st , 1420. Mammon rushes back into the royal palace.
Mammon(acting like nothing happened): “Whadup man?”
Henry: “Dude! You’re back!”
Mammon: “Oh, yeah. Aren’t you gonna ask me how it went?”
Henry: “Well?”
Mammon: “It was awesome! You should have seen the loot!”
Henry: “As a matter of fact, I SHOULD have seen it. I am the king, after all!”
Mammon: “Well, forget about it, I bring far greater news: Normandie, Caux and Picardie are ours!”
Henry(angry): “What? And Champagne? And Nivernais? And the COT in Paris?”
Mammon: “Chill, man, chill! First of all, ther is no COT in Paris. And we got military access too. And some money, ummm.. not much though… I had expenses, you understand.”
Henry: “I thought you wanted all the French provinces!”
Mammon: “Nah, not worth it. I mean, I found out some things from another demon in France. He opened my eyes man. And another thing I should warn you about: don’t mess with the dead! They have eerie powers!”
Henry: “Huh?”
Mammon: “Apparently if we took those provinces people will get mad at us. And that is not good for business.”
Henry: “What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?”
Mammon: “I like the way you think. Listen, there is this big party in Troyes in two weeks. Are you coming?”
Henry: “Sounds like fun.”
Apr 18th, Troyes.
Announcer: “And now, we will start the bidding for the crown of France. No starting bid, but remember gentlemen, it is the crown of a great kingdom!”
The Dauphin raises his hand, only to scream a second after:
Dauphin: “Oh my God! What’s happening? The floor, it’s… it’s… meltiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” and falls through a big hole in the floor.
Henry: “One ducat!”
Announcer: “Do I hear two? Common people! Crown of France!”
Going once, going twice…
Announcer: “Sold to the King of England!”
Party’s over, everyone congratulates Henry. Finally the Dauphin climbs out of his hole, with a vile smell on him, but holding his head proud. He approaches Henry.
Dauphin: “Class isn't something you buy, look at you, you got a 500-ducat coat on and you're still a low life.”
Henry: “But I look and smell good!”
Crowd laughs.
Dauphin: “Of course you know this means war!”
Philip (duke of Burgundy): “Don’t look at me, cousin! I want to be his vassal!”
The prince of Paris jumps from his chair:
Charles: “Me too! Me too!”
All: “Shut up Charles!”
Charles sits down and starts to twiddle his thumbs.
Henry: “Philip, be a good sport and let me pass through your lands, will you?”
Philip feels an invisible hand around him.
Philip: “Sure thing!”
September 5th, 1422, London
Henry: “Um, Mammon, could you come here for a second?”
Mammon: “Yes?”
Henry: “I’ve been looking at these IOUs I found in the treasury. Is this your handwriting?”
Mammon: “Uh… no, it’s not.”
Henry: “Are you sure you didn’t write them?”
Mammon: “Yes, stop accusing me!”
Henry: “I could have sworn you wrote them.”
Mammon: “What makes you so sure?”
Henry: “I don’t know, maybe the way you dot the ‘i’, or the signature ‘mammon, demon of greed’, or maybe it’s those skulls and coins drawn all over the pieces of paper.”
Mammon looks around for a distraction to buy some time. He reaches in his pocket.
Mammon: “Henry, look here! I brought you something from France. Behold cheese! Milk’s leap towards immortality!”
Henry (annoyed): “Where is the money, Mammon?”
Mammon: “Oh, ok, just a second, let me get it…”
He leaves the room, only to return a few seconds later.
Henry: “Well?”
Mammon: “Fluffy! Kill!”
Mammon: “Hey Henry!”
Henry: “Yes?”
Mammon: “I’m off to France.”
Henry(puzzled): “You are? Why?”
Mammon: “As my dad once used to say: First you get the power, then you get the money, then you buy all kind of useless things… like love”
Henry: “You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!”
Mammon: “Hmm… point taken. Well, I’m off… If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer”
April 1st , 1420. Mammon rushes back into the royal palace.
Mammon(acting like nothing happened): “Whadup man?”
Henry: “Dude! You’re back!”
Mammon: “Oh, yeah. Aren’t you gonna ask me how it went?”
Henry: “Well?”
Mammon: “It was awesome! You should have seen the loot!”
Henry: “As a matter of fact, I SHOULD have seen it. I am the king, after all!”
Mammon: “Well, forget about it, I bring far greater news: Normandie, Caux and Picardie are ours!”
Henry(angry): “What? And Champagne? And Nivernais? And the COT in Paris?”
Mammon: “Chill, man, chill! First of all, ther is no COT in Paris. And we got military access too. And some money, ummm.. not much though… I had expenses, you understand.”
Henry: “I thought you wanted all the French provinces!”
Mammon: “Nah, not worth it. I mean, I found out some things from another demon in France. He opened my eyes man. And another thing I should warn you about: don’t mess with the dead! They have eerie powers!”
Henry: “Huh?”
Mammon: “Apparently if we took those provinces people will get mad at us. And that is not good for business.”
Henry: “What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?”
Mammon: “I like the way you think. Listen, there is this big party in Troyes in two weeks. Are you coming?”
Henry: “Sounds like fun.”
Apr 18th, Troyes.
Announcer: “And now, we will start the bidding for the crown of France. No starting bid, but remember gentlemen, it is the crown of a great kingdom!”
The Dauphin raises his hand, only to scream a second after:
Dauphin: “Oh my God! What’s happening? The floor, it’s… it’s… meltiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” and falls through a big hole in the floor.
Henry: “One ducat!”
Announcer: “Do I hear two? Common people! Crown of France!”
Going once, going twice…
Announcer: “Sold to the King of England!”
Party’s over, everyone congratulates Henry. Finally the Dauphin climbs out of his hole, with a vile smell on him, but holding his head proud. He approaches Henry.
Dauphin: “Class isn't something you buy, look at you, you got a 500-ducat coat on and you're still a low life.”
Henry: “But I look and smell good!”
Crowd laughs.
Dauphin: “Of course you know this means war!”
Philip (duke of Burgundy): “Don’t look at me, cousin! I want to be his vassal!”
The prince of Paris jumps from his chair:
Charles: “Me too! Me too!”
All: “Shut up Charles!”
Charles sits down and starts to twiddle his thumbs.
Henry: “Philip, be a good sport and let me pass through your lands, will you?”
Philip feels an invisible hand around him.
Philip: “Sure thing!”
September 5th, 1422, London
Henry: “Um, Mammon, could you come here for a second?”
Mammon: “Yes?”
Henry: “I’ve been looking at these IOUs I found in the treasury. Is this your handwriting?”
Mammon: “Uh… no, it’s not.”
Henry: “Are you sure you didn’t write them?”
Mammon: “Yes, stop accusing me!”
Henry: “I could have sworn you wrote them.”
Mammon: “What makes you so sure?”
Henry: “I don’t know, maybe the way you dot the ‘i’, or the signature ‘mammon, demon of greed’, or maybe it’s those skulls and coins drawn all over the pieces of paper.”
Mammon looks around for a distraction to buy some time. He reaches in his pocket.
Mammon: “Henry, look here! I brought you something from France. Behold cheese! Milk’s leap towards immortality!”
Henry (annoyed): “Where is the money, Mammon?”
Mammon: “Oh, ok, just a second, let me get it…”
He leaves the room, only to return a few seconds later.
Henry: “Well?”
Mammon: “Fluffy! Kill!”
Poor Henry shouldn't have incurred Mammon's wrath. Some of Mammon's character did seem to be rubbing off on to him.