• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Samuel Clemens

First Lieutenant
6 Badges
Jan 26, 2005
212
1
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • 500k Club
logo.png


~Prologue~

It was the end of 1399 and the might viking warrior Ivar the Terrible was bored out of his mind. While women swooned at the merest glance of his awesome visage and the earth trembled and flinched at the awesomeness of him flexing his massive manly muscles, he-

ivarfake.png

No. No, we're not doing that.

Excuse me?

I have to deal with this enough from Ivar. I'm not going to sit idly by and put up with it from you. You're the narrator. You're supposed to be impartial. Now start over.

...
...
Fine. Snooty know-it-all aide character. *mutters* You'd think this was a humor AAR or something.


What was that?

...
...
ivar.png

Ivar, the illegitimate bastard son of the King of Denmark, was bored. Oh sure, he'd been sent into the army.. and then when he didn't get along with his superiors, the navy by the King to hide his shame of Ivar, but that didn't bother Ivar at all. There were two things Ivar did well... drinking and fighting, so that suited him fine. Besides, if Ivar was smart enough to realize why he was in the navy in the first place, the King probably wouldn't have been as ashamed of him as he was.

Did I mention he was good at drinking and fighting?


You did.

Quiet, you.

Well, you asked.

*sigh*
...Did I mention he was good at drinking and fighting?
...
Well?


Well what?

Aren't you going to interrupt me?

You yelled at me the last time. Why would I want to do that again?

Oh for the love of.. *rubs temples*

Fine, fine. Ivar wasn't just good at drinking and fighting, they were quite possibly the only two things he was good at. He liked to boast that he was good at a third thing, but ask any of the whores he'd bedded and they'd disagree with him. So, since I've already been scolded for exaggerating once before, we'll just say those are the two things he's good at.

Unfortunately for Ivar, though, he was quickly running out of ale and things to punch. Not to mention the number of women who hadn't heard of his.. "prowess" was quickly dwindling in the area. So while he was drinking with his friends, he did what any good Dane does when drunk.. he dreamt of viking glory. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on if you're Ivar or not, Ivar had the resources at his disposal to act out those delusions.

So he decided to get some ships together with his friends from the army and after enough ale to drown a whale, go do some good old fashioned pillaging. The last thing Ivar remembered was how good the ale tasted when they were out on the Skragglerock and someone saying they were out of ale. That would not do!


1-1.png



Some time later...


1-2.png

Oh god, my head. What did I do last night?

Last night? Sir, the last time you had anything resembling what you consider coherent thought was a few days ago.

1-3.png

Is that you, Larry?

Yes, unfortunately, I'm still here with you, serving as instructed by your father at your side. And for the last time, it's Harold.

1-4.png

Same thing, innit? Ooh, who's this I feel by me? Maybe it was worth it.

1-5.png

...That's me, you twit. Stop that and get yourself together.

1-6.png

Oh god. What now, is my father upset or something? God my head hurts.

1-7.png

Nooo.. I wouldn't say that your father's upset, no.

1-8.png

Then why in the bloody hell are you waking me up? It can't be anything later than dawn, why are you being so damned persistent?

1-9.png

God.. please, I'm begging you. Just strike me down and end this.

Oh stop being so dramatic, Peter. If my father's not upset then there's nothing to really worry about then, is there? But, if you insist.. get me something for my head and tell me why in the hell you're waking me up so early. It can't be that bad, can it?

1-10.png




OOC: So I decided since Havetescrap's (sp) incredibly gorgeous Whole World Mod has so many new provinces added in, that I'd mod in a good old fashioned viking country. ...Except I kind of failed to realize just how low the income would be and wow has it been a struggle so far. I haven't decided at what interval I'll update, but I've played 5 years or so.

This' basically just a test for me to get me used to taking screenies on a regular basis and not cheating as much while I work on ideas for a more serious, story-based AAR.

I'll admit I have cheated a couple of times so far, just to give myself a little bit of gold to last me a year or so without adding a lot. OPMs are expensive!

I'm not exactly optimistic about how long my little nation will survive, so to at the very least ensure that the game will be interesting to me even if I die, I turned off Lucky Nations then boosted some nations to see what they'd do.

luckyones.png

The Lucky Ones:
Sioux
Aymara
Bantu
Tibet

They're all landlocked and pagan (with the exception of Tibet, which was chosen because the Horde don't last long in asia with Ming around), far from Europe, so they shouldn't be affecting the main game for awhile. Each was given 10 of each tech level, 5000 shiny new ducats and a level 2 capital province with all the bells and whistles in terms of special buildings.

They'll probably last longer than I will, though I'm not doing so badly. I haven't been DOWed yet in 5 years at least. Who knows how long my little Isle of Mann nation of Mannatees will last?
 

Dasfubar

Sky-Whale Captain
60 Badges
Mar 27, 2008
231
14
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Cities: Skylines - Snowfall
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Divine Wind
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Surviving Mars
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Steel Division: Normandy 44
  • Cities: Skylines - Natural Disasters
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Surviving Mars: First Colony Edition
  • 500k Club
  • Victoria 2
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
Nice start, here's hoping the Mannonites do well!
 

Teep

Warden of the Cinque Ports
101 Badges
Oct 19, 2008
1.186
39
  • Hearts of Iron Anthology
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Divine Wind
  • Victoria 2
  • Shadowrun Returns
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • Shadowrun: Hong Kong
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • BATTLETECH - Digital Deluxe Edition
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Stellaris: Necroids
  • War of the Roses
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Dharma
  • BATTLETECH: Flashpoint
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • BATTLETECH
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Cities: Skylines - Mass Transit
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Age of Wonders III
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Stellaris
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
Nice idea and name, haven't seen a viking EU3 AAR before but this will probably be interesting to watch.
 

Enewald

Enewald Enewald Enewald
58 Badges
Oct 17, 2007
23.941
1.814
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Impire
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Iron Cross
  • Leviathan: Warships
  • The Kings Crusade
  • Magicka
  • Majesty 2 Collection
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Warlock: Master of the Arcane
  • 500k Club
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Dungeonland
  • East India Company Collection
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
Haha, one must not drink too much!
Excellent starting!
 

unmerged(96639)

bezrodniy kosmopolit
9 Badges
Apr 10, 2008
511
1
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
This is awesome! :rofl: I love the story, and the way you use the screenshots is absolute bloody genius. I'm sure your namesake would be proud of this masterpiece. Here's to a lot more ale and whores for Ivar and co. :D

I'll be following this, most definitely.
 

Samuel Clemens

First Lieutenant
6 Badges
Jan 26, 2005
212
1
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • 500k Club
I've played 5 years or so of the game so far and so far so good. I would have played and posted more, but I work retail and it's been stressful with the holidays. Luckily or unluckily, I suppose, our department's hours have dropped and our seasonal people are back so I'll have plenty of time coming up.

Expect an update after I go to the Vikings game and hopefully watch them destroy the Eagles. Skol!


Dasfubar: I think that's one of the adjectives I came up for them. It was hard creating adjectives for the Isle of Mann. I also called them Mannlanders, because it sounds manly. Personally, I call them my little Mannatees.

Teep: Ivar's just playing at being vikings, but I fully expect them to grow into the role eventually. :)

Enewald: If drinking that much lead to taking over small islands and becoming their king instead of death like it does in RL, I'd have to start drinking that much. ;)

Colonel Bran: They'll probably do what every man would do.. stand around with their jaw hanging open and just watch.

Morsky: Thanks! I love EUR007's comedy AARs, so I'll be breaking out the paintbrush in the next update for Ivar's sake.
 

Samuel Clemens

First Lieutenant
6 Badges
Jan 26, 2005
212
1
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • 500k Club
Well, I ended up close to declaring myself king of the Metrodome after having a few drinks at the game. While the Vikings lost, it was still fun to go. Walking back to the car in the cold wind from the river while drunk sucked, though, and I ended up conking out early.


logo.png


~1~
The First Year

Ivar: ...

Ivar: ...

Ivar: ...So let me get this straight... I got so drunk, I decided to honor my viking heritage and do some pillaging... ...and ended up taking over an island and declaring myself King of it?


Harold the Servant: That's, uh.. that's pretty much what happened, put simply, yes.

Ivar: And you just let me do it, Gerald?

Harold the Servant: It's Harold, and yes, I did. I'm not your wet nurse, I just look after you and make sure you don't do anything stupid and stay safe.

Ivar: Hmm... *rubs chin* so what you're essentially saying, Marty, is you didn't stop me, and you're supposed to keep me from doing anything stupid.. so this wasn't stupid to do.

Harold the Servant: ...

Harold the Servant: That's, umm... ...did you just outsmart me?


Ivar: This' awesome! I'm a freaking King!

Harold the Servant: Thank God for short attention spans. Speaking of.. and in 3... 2... 1...

Ivar: ...Oh crap, I'm a King! What'm I going to do!? I don't know how to run a country!

Harold the Servant: Calm down, calm down. Here, take this paper bag and breath into it before you hyperventilate. Now, Kings don't run everything themselves. They often have people in their court to help with the running of the day to day things while the King makes the big decisions. Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Ivar: *breaths rapidly into the bag and pauses to look over it at Harold* You.. you mean that? Is that really true? I don't have to do everything?

Harold the Servant: Nope, you don't. So cheer up. *patpat* You'll be fine.

Ivar: Thanks, Harold.. that means a lot coming from you.

Harold the Servant: Don't mention it. Now, how about we walk around and take a look at your new country while you decide what people you want helping you run your country. Personally, I suggest people that've always been there for you, through thick and thin.

Ivar: Hmm... that's a good idea. Now.. *walks outside* let's see what this place's like.

Harold the Servant: *follows* Well, here we are.

2-1.png

Harold the Servant: Wait, did you call me-


Ivar: There's not much to this place, is there, Ricky?

Harold the Servant: ..*snifflepouts a little* Well.. most of the population came from the people on the ships.

Ivar: *glances around* Do I have a castle? Why don't I have a castle?

Harold the Servant: Are you even listening?

Ivar: I should have a castle. Why don't I have a castle? All good Kings deserve castles.

Harold the Servant: *sigh* I'll see what I can do.

Ivar: Oooh and a crown, too, Veronica! I want a crown too!

Harold the Servant: Oh come on! *glares*

Ivar: I don't think there's anything wrong with a King having a crown. I think it makes perfect sense, don't you? I mean, my father had a crown. Oh crap, my father.. I wonder what he thinks about all of this.

Harold the Servant: *rubs forehead, muttering under his breath* Well, if you're willing to pay attention for more than a second, I have a few scrolls you can look at.

Ivar: Ehh.. I guess I can take a look at them. I am the King, after all, it's only right I look at important stuff!

Harold the Servant: ...Riiiiiiiight. Anyways, here's what the world thinks of you and y.. ..our country.

2-2.png

Harold the Servant: As you can see, no one really cares about you.


Ivar: Aww.. *pouts* you care, don't you?

Harold the Servant: *mumbles* Only because I have to. *clears throat* Err.. well, there IS something that might cause some problems later on.

Ivar: Uh oh, what's that?

Harold the Servant: Weeeeellll... remember when you went out drinking on the boats with your friends? Well, you kind of.. ..took the entire Danish navy and army with and now there're all here with you. See? *opens another scroll*

2-3.png

Ivar: Oooh.. I um.. should probably do something about that, shouldn't I?

Harold the Servant: You are the King.. so it's your job to make decisions like that, after all. Unless of course, you wanted help.. and then someone from your court could help. Say, someone who's always been there, by your side.. someone who's with you right now.

Ivar: Jesus?

Harold the Servant: ...

Ivar: That's just silly, Warren, I can't rely on Jesus for help. What should I do? I can't just give them back.. then my father'd know I took them all.

Harold the Servant: Not to mention you'd leave the country unprotected. We don't have enemies, but there're strong countries around that could give us trouble, like England.

Ivar: Pah! English! Damned horse lovers! ...*pouts*... I wish I had some horses.

Harold the Servant: You do, though, remember? You have a regiment of the umm.. finest cavalry that was in Denmark.

Ivar: I do!? Well, I can't really give them back, but I don't know want my father to know I took them. Ooh! I know, give me that other scroll!

2-4.png

Ivar: See? There, I fixed it! *grins then wipes his brow* Phew, that was tough making a decision like that. What were you saying about people helping with that?


Harold the Servant: *brightens* Well, if I may be so bold as to suggest-

Ivar: *not paying attention* I specifically remember talking to some people last night who seemed pretty smart. I.. ..think they were all named Bjorn though, for some reason. I want you to find them and make them my advisers.

Harold the Servant: I.. ..what?

Ivar: You heard me! Fetch me who I was talking to last night and make them my advisers! I expect them to be back at my place and ready to help with the country by the time I get back there.

Harold the Servant: *suppresses a shiver* ..That's.. ..wow, that's rather bold and commanding of you. I'll see to it at once! *heads off*


A few hours later...


Ivar: *heads back to the house he crashed at the night before and commandeered as his own* Ah, good, Terrence. Did you fetch the people I asked for?

Harold the Servant: I did, but.. well.. um.. you see...

Ivar: So they're inside then?

Harold the Servant: ...They are... but...

Ivar: But what? I'm ready to go inside and do some King stuff!

Harold the Servant: It's just.. I need to go over more of the country's statistics with you, first!!

Ivar: Ah! ..Fine, fine. *sighs* This better not take long, though. What's the situation?

Harold the Servant: Well, I did some checking, and here's a better breakdown of our country:

2-6.png

Ivar: Mhmm.. mhmm... I see. That's.. ..well, those're very nice circles.

Harold the Servant: *groans* Here. Let me.. ..make it easier for you. *scribbles on the scroll a bit*

2-7.png

Ivar: Oh! Well, that's a lot easier to understand, now! Why didn't you just show me that scroll first?

Harold the Servant: ..Show you that scroll..? What..? *shakes head* Nevermind, nevermind.. I'll make sure to show you.. ..scrolls like that, first, from now on.

Ivar: See, now we're making some headway! Now, let's go meet my new advisers. You fetched the Bjorns like I asked?

Harold the Servant: I did.. but..

Ivar: And they're all inside?

Harold the Servant: Yes, but...

Ivar: And this' the official decree making them my advisers in your hand? *snatches it and signs it*

Harold the Servant: ....

Ivar: Great! Now, let's get on with me doing my Kingly business! *barges past Marcus and heads inside*

Harold the Servant: ..*eyes the official decree and shuts his eyes tightly in a grimace, shaking his head in disbelief before heading following Ivar inside*

2-5.png

Ivar: ...

Ivar: ...

Ivar: ...Those're who I was talking to last night?


Harold the Servant: ...According to people who saw you when you were drunk last night.

Ivar: ...And I just signed the decree and officially made them my advisers.

Harold the Servant: ...Yeah.

Ivar: ...How drunk was I last night?

Harold the Servant: ...Pretty damn drunk.

Ivar: I need a drink.

Bjorn tha Moo Cow: Moo.

Harold the Servant: ...Me too.


The next day...


Ivar: *groans*

Harold the Servant: Another rough night?

Ivar: I got drunk then the Bjorns and I discussed a few things and we decided the best course of action for the time being would be to send out some diplomats to establish some good relations so we at least have a few allies.

Harold the Servant: *just.. ..just stares*

Ivar: And I think I decided to try and make the country more innovative. That could've been a dream, though.

Harold the Servant: *continues to just.. ..stare*

2-8.png

Gunthrith Ragnarson: *appears out of nowhere in front of the two with a loud "BLOINK!" noise*

Ivar: Ah! Jesus Christ! Who the hell are you?

Gunthrith Ragnarson: Helro! I am jur new adviser! I am ready to help ju vith vhatever you needs viff moneys!!

Ivar: *blinks* ..Uh, sorry.. I don't.. what? I can barely understand you, but.. I think I'm just going to let Patrick deal with the money. *points at Harold*

Gunthrith Ragnarson: Buts.. buts.. I vashed my clothes and got all fancies to impress ju..

Ivar: Nope! Sorry, feel free to stick around and enjoy the country though. *shoos Gunthrith past the still shocked Harold*

Harold the Servant: *dazedly half stumbles, half sits in a chair* ...I need a drink.

Ivar: Alright! Now we're talking! I'll go get us some more ale!


Later that afternoon...


Harold the Servant: *groans, waking up and staggering to his feet* What happened?

Ivar: You can't handle your ale. *tsk tsks, handing him a tankard of water* It's a good thing you're up, the news about the diplomats should be coming back soon.

Harold the Servant: *blinks and shakes his head a bit, immediately regretting it, mumbling thanks as he takes the tankard and sips at it*

2-9.png

Harold the Servant: So you went crawling back to Daddy?

Ivar: *glares*

Harold the Servant: Wait, who'd you agree to marry off to the French? *sips more of the water*

Ivar: That bastard Captain Gunnar.

Harold the Servant: The guy who beat you in cards and stole the woman you were trying to pick up? You have a bitter sense of humor. *eyes Ivar appraisingly*


March, 1400


Ivar: God, I'm so bored. Why can't I do anything like a viking?

Harold the Servant: Well, we just can't afford it at the moment. We're barely making do as is. We might have to take some loans.. on the bright side.. *grins and does a little squirming dance* we've gotten a few trade agreements with other nations!!

2-13.png

Ivar: You're enjoying being in charge of the money a little too much.

Harold the Servant: Well, they also strengthen relations with those countries...

Ivar: You're talking, but all I'm hearing is "blah blah blah" *does blah blah blah hand gesture* When can I make war?

Harold the Servant: ...After you make sure at least one of the nations near us won't utterly destroy us. You don't want that, do you?

Ivar: *pouts, folding his arms on his chest* ...No...

Harold the Servant: Then you're just going to have to be patient and hope this Lord Dumas accepts this royal marriage offer.

2-10.png

Ivar: Dumas? ...Uh oh...

Harold the Servant: ...What did you do?

Ivar: ...Nothing...?

Harold the Servant: Ivar...

Ivar: I kind of.. ..maybe sorta.. ..thought his name was Lord Dumbass...

2-11.png

Ivar: ...Goddamnit.


September, 1400


Harold the Servant: Ready to try that royal marriage thing again, Ivar?

Ivar: It's better than walking around this damned island anymore. Everywhere I look.. ocean! *turns one way* Ocean! *turns another* Ocean! *turns again* Ocean! God, I'm so tired of this and bored!

Harold the Servant: Well, you could always help me out with the quarterly financial reports and working on possible fiscal reform to better our-

Ivar: ..So another royal marriage try, you say!? And after this, I can wage war?

Harold the Servant: IF this works, then yes. You just need to be patient.

Ivar: Patience patience patience! I'm tired of patience! What am I, some kind of doctor!? Screw this. I'm going to Scotland myself! *stalks off in a huff*

Harold the Servant: Some kind of doctor..? *blinks, watching Ivar go* ..Wait, Ivar, I don't know if that's such a good idea!


A few days later...


Harold the Servant: Well? How did it go?

Ivar: Well.. ..*grins*

2-14.png

Harold the Servant: How did you...? *stares in disbelief*

Ivar: *sniffs indignantly* I just used my superior charm, wit, grace and poise.

Harold the Servant: ...*eyes narrow, eyeing Ivar* You got some royal drunk, didn't you?

Ivar: As a skunk! Now can I wage war?

Harold the Servant: Soon! I promise! But first, we should get at least one spy and try and maybe...

2-15.png

Ivar: *eyes Harold* No.

Harold the Servant: Awww.... come on! Please?! Can't we just do some financial reforms and discuss the ramifications of.. *blinks, looking around* Ivar? Where'd you go? Ivar? *pouts*


December, 1400


Ivar: *patpats* Are you ready? Today's the day! *glances around to make sure no one's around* Harold said we should wait til we get a spy and repay our debts, but pffft on the money stuff. We can get money from making war! Now all we need is a spy. How's that coming along?

Bjorn tha Kittie: Mew.

2-17.png

Ivar: WHAT!?!? Oh come ON! That's just not fair!
 

Teep

Warden of the Cinque Ports
101 Badges
Oct 19, 2008
1.186
39
  • Hearts of Iron Anthology
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Divine Wind
  • Victoria 2
  • Shadowrun Returns
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • Shadowrun: Hong Kong
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • BATTLETECH - Digital Deluxe Edition
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Stellaris: Necroids
  • War of the Roses
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Dharma
  • BATTLETECH: Flashpoint
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • BATTLETECH
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Cities: Skylines - Mass Transit
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Age of Wonders III
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Stellaris
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
Still going pretty well, its still hilarious as always.
Yay, I got 200 posts!
 

Enewald

Enewald Enewald Enewald
58 Badges
Oct 17, 2007
23.941
1.814
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Impire
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Iron Cross
  • Leviathan: Warships
  • The Kings Crusade
  • Magicka
  • Majesty 2 Collection
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Warlock: Master of the Arcane
  • 500k Club
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Dungeonland
  • East India Company Collection
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
Hahahahaha.
real vikings trade stuff and when they got a bad deal they kill the other one and burn his home, village and kill everyone around.
 

Samuel Clemens

First Lieutenant
6 Badges
Jan 26, 2005
212
1
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • 500k Club
logo.png


~2~
Make Love AND War!

3-1.png


Fine! Fine, damnit! Let's get on with it then. Now, where were we?

Ivar: You were about to get back to the story where I conquer the world and ascend to become a viking god. *nods*

Well, I can safely say, knowing 50 years of the game, that that isn't in the script.

Ivar: It's not? Well.. hmm.. *thinks, scratching his head* Well, it should be! You need a better script!

Oh? Would you prefer one where I make you dress up in a pink frilly dress and dance around for Harold's amusement?

Ivar: *glares* That's so wrong it's not even funny.

Harold: I don't know, it seems pretty damned funny to me.

Ivar: ............So, according to my script here.. *taps a piece of paper* I believe it was December and we were waiting for more spies.

Harold: Let me see that, there's no way you have an actual script. *yanks the piece of paper out of his hands and looks it over*

Ivar: Hey! I need that to do my shopping! Give it back!

Harold: Oh no you don't.. *evades Ivar's grasp* You're not using that joke to get out of this one.. *clears throat, preparing to read from the paper*

Roses are red...
the ocean is clear as glass...
Dear Margaret I love you..
and I'd love to tap that a-


OK THAT'S IT, LET'S GET BACK TO THE STORY!!

So, where were we again? Ah, yes...



January, 1401


Harold: So, my lord, we finally have the spy we need. What do you intend to do? Shall we lay siege to the horse loving English? The skirt wearing Scottish? By all means, Ivar, lay your incredible plan upon me. How shall we be good vikings today?

Ivar: *blinks, caught off guard by Harold's tone, and merely stares at him like he's grown a second head*

Harold: Err.. I.. *visibly shrinks, hunching down a bit, realizing his folly* ...Sorry, my lord.

Ivar: *wets his lips with his tongue, readying himself to speak before suddenly clasping his hand upon Harold's shoulder, startling the aide* Harold, my friend, you need to get laid.

Harold: Yes sir, right away sir. *pauses and blinks* Wait, what?

Ivar: Oh, don't get me wrong, your tone was way off and if it was anyone but you I'd probably kick their ass for it if not worse, but.. *begins to grin, jutting out his chest a bit* Unlike you, I have been getting laid.

Harold: *rubs his forehead in disbelief for a second* Sorry, I'll work on my tone and.. getting laid. Wait, did you call me Harold?

Ivar: I did! You see, having found a woman has given me some clarity. That joke was getting tired. Plus, I owe you a lot.. the least I can do is call you by your name. Besides, I'm sure I'll come up with another way to make fun of you.

Harold: *dryly* I can't wait. *shifts his tone to be more questioningly* I really.. ..really.. ..really.. ..really hate to ask this.. did I mention that I hate to be asking this?

Ivar: You did.. but you haven't asked anything.

Harold: *waves off Ivar's question dismissively* You're the King, now.. who.. is the uh.. lucky woman? It would look bad on you, depending on the circumstances...

Ivar: Her name's Margaret.. and I intend on marrying her after this campaign. She's the daughter of the local duke or something.

Harold: Uh, well.. there isn't really a local duke on the island.

Ivar: I'm sorry, what was that? *raises an eyebrow at Harold*

Harold: Err.. what I meant to say is.. I'll work on the proper paperwork to give this.. Margaret's family some land so it'll be proper.

Ivar: Attaboy, Harry! Now, I've already decided what we should do with our spy..

Harold: *mutters under his breath* I think I prefered the random names over Harry... *clears his throat* So, what's the plan?

Ivar: I figured we'd start out small and work our way out.. there's a reason we're out here at sea, after all...

3-2.png


3-3.png

All: HAIL MANN!


The Next Day


Harold: Bad news sir.. the Danish have turned coward.

3-4.png

Ivar: *scoffs* Afraid of a little country in the podunk part of Ireland, were they? *grins viciously* Oh well, we'll get to them eventually.. that just means more fighting for us!

Harold: And sir, there's other news.. it appears we're not the only one that've gotten in the mood for a good bloodletting?

Ivar: Oh? What's the situation?

Harold: Well, I'm not sure that anyone could have ever guessed it, but it appears that England and France are now at war.

3-5.png

Ivar: What do we do? Send them a "Congratulations on a perpetual state of hatred and bloodshed, weakening yourselves while your neighbors stay uninvolved and get strong enough to take you over" fruit basket?

Harold: *blinks a few times, eyeing Ivar* Why, sir.. ..that's rather aptly and astutely put of you.

Ivar: *grins, adjusting the reigns of his horse* Well, battle does get the blood flowing to parts of your body you don't normally use.

Harold: *shakes his head, realizing Ivar's still Ivar* But no, sir, I believe in this case.. we just laugh at them. ..So long as they don't hear us.

Ivar: HA! Oop! *ducks an arrow* Careful, Harold, it's getting dangerous here. Fall back.. and see about getting my fiance here.

3-6.png

Harold: *ducks behind Ivar's horse to use it as cover* You mean after the battle?

Ivar: ...Considering how Margaret strikes more fear in me than these weaklings do, I'd say it'd only be a blessing to me and to our side if she were here.

Harold: I'll see what I can do.. you just see about staying alive. I mean, if she is that scary, imagine what she'd do to me if I let you die...

Ivar: *nods gravely* If that happened, she'd kill us both. I mean that exactly how that sounds.

Harold: *runs off to the camp and the luggage train to make the necessary preparations, making sure to dodge any sharp pointy sticks, of course*

3-7.png

3-8.png


Harold: *to himself* She's already here.. ..dear God save me

Margaret: You! *kicks Ivar in the side* Got! *kicks his other side* Me! *kicks him again* Pregnant! *reaches down, grabbing him by his undershirt and picks him up with near inhuman strength, pulling him into a hard kiss* Now make this legal right NOW!!!

Ivar: ...*whimpers, giving Harold a pleading "Help me!" look*

Harold: I'll.. um.. go get the Priest.. so we can at least get you two married in the eyes of God before we have a big fancy wedding back at the castle. *starts moving away midway through the word Priest, not bothering to see if they're paying attention*

Margaret: Pff. *blows an errant strand of hair out of her face, setting Ivar down on his feet before moving her hands down to smooth out the dress he bought for her so it shows off her slender but sturdy frame more before running her hand through her hair to fix it* I missed you, you know. *looks at Ivar and lightly pets the back of her hand along the cheek she didn't punch, smiling happily*

Ivar: *just.. blinks, still in shock before looking after where Harold went* ..Harold!?! Help!


The VERY Next Day


Harold: *walks over to Ivar, glancing over to Margaret accepting thanks and congratulations from those nearby; mainly the army's Priest, the soldiers, their handlers and pages, as well as a few people from the ships come ashore from blockading the Connacht port* Are you sure it was such a good idea, pulling most of the able bodied away from the siege to attend the wedding?

Ivar: *rubs his cheek, swollen from Margaret's greeting attack yesterday* Harold, it would've been more dangerous had I not given her the biggest ceremony I could at the time. ...It wasn't nearly what she deserves.

Harold: *pats Ivar on the back* Ivar, you never cease to amaze me. I'm proud of you.

Ivar: *coughs nervously, and to his regret, a bit painfully at his at least bruised ribs* It's nothing to be proud of... I should've married her before we left.. before I got her pregnant.

Harold: Oh, you won't hear me disagreeing with you there, but... *smiles widely* you know what? I bet if you could've chosen the timing of it all, you would've done just that, wouldn't you? And that, Ivar.. that is why I'm proud of you.


One Week Later


Harold: *peeks his head into Ivar's tent, a scoll in hand then immediately regrets it, backing out* Oh god, I'm so sorry!

Ivar: *pokes his head out of his tent, glaring at Harold, obviously naked inside the tent* This'd better be good.

Harold: *looks away, shaking his head to himself and hands Ivar the scroll* From the King of Scotland... evidently he deigned it necessary to draw up and send a message personally to you.. something about how you're only interested in having carnal relations with goats, I believe.

3-9.png

Ivar: *eyes dart from the scroll in his hand and Harold before glancing over his shoulder in the direction of his tent* You know what, Harold? You deal with this. I'm busy.

Margaret: *calls out from the tent* You're bloody right you are! *pauses* Hi Harold!

Harold: *without looking at the tent* ...Hello your highness... err.. fine, Ivar, I'll take care of it. *waves his hand around blindly, waiting for Ivar to put the scroll back in his hand*

Ivar: *hands it to him* ..Getting married was the best decision I've ever made. *turns and disappears back into the tent*

Margaret: *calls out again* Knock next time, Haro-oooh, Ivar!


March, 1401


Ivar: *walks up to where Harold sits fretting over expenses and money issues* Remember when I told you to deal with that message from Scotland?

Harold: *pauses and shuts his eyes tightly, muttering* Vividly, in my nightmares.. why?

Ivar: Well, I.. misplaced the original message we just got, but these secondary ones seem to only point to one thing...

3-10.png

Harold: *glances at the message and smirks* This'd be one of those instances where we laugh derisively, I believe?

Ivar: Well, I was thinking of just laughing and making fun of them, but we can do that, too. How goes the money stuff? *idly flips through some of Harold's papers, more making bored conversation than looking for an actual answer*

Harold: Well, we had to take out another loan..

Ivar: *not paying attention* Good, good...

Harold: *eyes narrow at Ivar then just shrugs and sighs* How go things with the Queen?

Ivar: Meh.

Harold: Meh?

Ivar: She's just so confusing.. moody one moment, happy the next.. violent the other.. loving and acting like nothing happened an hour later.. *sighs* I just don't understand women. Now, this siege.. this siege I understand. We should be seeing a last ditch sally soon, which we'll crush and focus on taking the city. *looks around* This really is a beautiful country.. I like not seeing the ocean everywhere I look.

Harold: Ivar.. *glances up from the numbers to eye him directly* No one understands women. Not even women... you'd be crazy and go even crazier trying to figure them out.

Ivar: *considers that then starts to head off as Harold returns to his numbers, calling out to the aide* ..Says the man who still needs to get laid and would rather focus on numbers and math than the local women.

Harold: *without looking up* I HEARD that! Just be lucky SOMEONE around here is responsible!


August, 1401


Ivar: *paces back and forth chewing worriedly on his nails outside the medical tent set up especially for Margaret, barely noticing Harold as he walks up*

Harold: Any news?

Ivar: The midwife says twins.. but they should be healthy. That's something, right.

Harold: Twins? *blinks* Ivar, that's more than something.. that's incredible news!

Ivar: Is it? Is it really, Harold? *glares at him before moving to lift up the flap to the tent to be seen by those inside*

Margaret: IVAR, YOU DID THIS TO ME!! YOU GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!! I HATE YOU!!!!

Ivar: *lets the tent flap close, shooting Harold a look*

Harold: *winces* Well.. I have some other news that will probably distract you enough. They've breached the fortification's walls.

Ivar: *instantly brightens* Harold, you bring the best news. *lifts the flap to the tent, calling in* Honey? They've broken through the walls and they need me.. it's only proper I help lead the charge into battle.

Margaret: IVAR YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!

Ivar: *lets the tent close again and makes way to the page kept in charge of his personal armor and weapons*

Harold: Ivar... what're you doing? Weren't you the one that said it'd be stupid for a King to lead the charge sieging a fortification?

Ivar: *pauses, swinging around to point at Harold* Look.. I don't care what I said before. Whatever I said before? Ignore it. That was before my wife turned into that.. ..that THING... that DEMON. *shudders*

Harold: *shudders along with him*

Ivar: Besides, the midwives say she isn't even ready to give birth yet.. all this? *gestures vaguely at the tent Margaret's in* That's just the warm up act. She's going to be even moreso.. ..like THAT, later on. So yeah, if I have to risk my life to get away from my wife who.. let's be honest, could kick my ass any normal day of the week WITHOUT being souped up on so much pain she could probably siege the fort herself singlehandedly.. then yes, I'm going to do it. *pauses* Are you coming with, or what?

Harold: *watches Ivar walk away, incredulously for a few moments before rushing to catch up*

3-11.png



A Short Time Later


3-12.png

Ivar: Oh crap oh crap oh crap... *breaths heavily, running away from the fort where he had just taken place in the final assault in conquering it*

Harold: *holds up a hand as Ivar nears the tent* Ivar... wait! At least take off your armor.

Ivar: *pausing, thinking it over, considering it* No time! Out of the way, Harold! I've delayed this enough, Margaret needs me! *pushes Harold aside and walks into the tent* Margaret?

Margaret: Hmmm? *looks up at Ivar from the twin baby boys, held one in each arm* Ivar... *smiles and begins to tear up* You made it back...

Ivar: *stops dead, crestfallen, suddenly hanging his head* No.. I wasn't there for you when you needed me.

Margaret: Nonsense. *sniffs, glancing at the midwives who come and each take one of the newborn heirs* Sometimes I just need you near or around at certain times.. *wipes her eyes* I'm pretty sure if you'd have actually been here, I'd have strangled you with this bedsheet. Thank you... thank you for being here... and I know you didn't actually mean for it to be a gift to me... but thank you for thinking of me when you took the city.

Ivar: ...Word travels fast, doesn't it? *walks over and leans to give Margaret a kiss on her forehead*

Margaret: Ivar, I'm a woman. There isn't much I don't know. *suddenly wraps her arms around Ivar's neck, holding him tight* And right what I know is if you're not with me when our next child's born, I swear to GOD I WILL kill you or make you a eunuch if you don't have a damn good excuse like taking another city.

Ivar: ...Yes dear. *swallows, wide-eyed*


A Week of Recovery Later


Ivar: So this' it, then? *eyes the two pieces of parchment on the table in front of him* This' what the war comes down to?

Harold: Pretty much. *points at one of them* This peace agreement will give us all their land but will probably severely piss them off for decades that they're not in charge of their land... *points to the other one* and this one won't give us any new land but they'll give us some gold and swear allegiance to our Kingdom.

Ivar: *sits back and folds his arms on his chest, pouting a little* Why can't I have both?

Harold: That's.. just not how it works, sorry... if we had a legal claim on the land then there wouldn't be a problem.. but we couldn't get one in time.

Ivar: So you're pushing for the second option, then? You sure I couldn't convince you to stay here and be in charge here if we took the land? *raises an eyebrow at Harold*

Harold: Well.. *grins* as your chief financial advisor... I'd have to say you probably couldn't afford me. *pauses, thinking, the realization hitting him that he doesn't get paid much, if anything*

3-13.png

Ivar: Prepare the second one.. let them keep their land, but they WILL bow to me. It's just as well, anyways.. the Queen and I have a proposition for you.

Harold: *his face suddenly goes white as it drains of blood, remembering interrupting Ivar and Margaret the one and only time he needed to learn to knock or announce his arrival*

Ivar: *continues, not noticing the look on Harold's face* We'd like you to stay on as caretaker of the royal family and the Kingdom.

Harold: So I'd basically be doing the job I'm doing right now?

Ivar: Kind of.. except it'd be for the entire family, not just me. Margaret thinks I need looking after and says you do a good job of it.. and.. *makes a reluctant face* ..I guess she's right. You do tend to make sure I don't do anything TOO stupid.

Harold: Well, I did let you get drunk and take over a country, installing yourself as King.

Ivar: *stands, glancing over at Margaret and the wet nurses with his two sons, Erik and Siefred then at his army finishing up work around the Connacht capital* I don't know.. that hasn't turned out SO bad so far, I'd say. Now, come on, Harold... let's finish up the packing and head back home.

3-14.png

Harold: Hey, wasn't this update supposed to be longer than just this?

Ivar: LONGER? You mean deal with a longer timeframe? *dismissive wave* Meh.. let someone else worry about that.
 

Enewald

Enewald Enewald Enewald
58 Badges
Oct 17, 2007
23.941
1.814
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Impire
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Iron Cross
  • Leviathan: Warships
  • The Kings Crusade
  • Magicka
  • Majesty 2 Collection
  • March of the Eagles
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Victoria 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Warlock: Master of the Arcane
  • 500k Club
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Darkest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Dungeonland
  • East India Company Collection
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • For The Glory
  • For the Motherland
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
A nice wife he has. :p
Why not annex? The real reason. :D
 

Samuel Clemens

First Lieutenant
6 Badges
Jan 26, 2005
212
1
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • 500k Club
A nice wife he has. :p
Why not annex? The real reason. :D

Honestly? At the time in the game, I was knee deep in loans and didn't think I could afford to pay for a force to keep the rebels out of the province and an expansionist force. :(