Again with the Norman Invasion. Story of de Hautevilles.

[hjarg]

Operation Delta​

Royal Matters

May 1168 saw yet another feast held in Palermo. Again, keeping the vassals happy (and drunk) as it is proper for the Norman King. The legend of Drogo, the King of Parties, grew after this feast.

Party like it's 1168

Tragedy fell on the Hauteville family in October 1168. Drogo, son of Drogo and Duke of Tlemcen died of bubonic plague at the age of 7. Not even having a chance to grow up and enjoy life, the young Prince died in great pain. Drogo grieved, as did Aubrey in her cell when the news reached her.

Still, life must go on. And Tlemcen was without a Duke. So, Drogo kindly made Gegel Darod the new Duke. Married to Alison of Sicily, that one.

Rest well, poor Drogo. And the new Duke and Duchess

There was another death in the family. Guy of Sicily, Drogo’s eldest brother, died at the age of 70. His son, Bohemond II, was a Mandean, bringing with him a County of Saros in Hungary and three daughters. Drogo demanded that Bohemond becomes a proper Christian and he complied. Seeing the daughter situation though, it was quite obvious that the Duchy would be lost to Hautevilles.

New Mandean Duke, coming with a county in Hungary and just three daughters

In June 1170, Mernissa became of age. Truly, a brilliant daughter of Drogo, she was the King’s favourite. And an accomplished diplomat and a good fighter to boot.

Mernissa. If she'd only been born a man...

Devious Cousins

When William, the little spindly Count of Lanciano, invited Drogo to his feast. Without any suspicion, Drogo of course attended. After all, a change to mingle with vassals and a chance to see if he could empty the wine stores of the Count- why the hell not?

The fateful invitation

Apparently, the wine stores won, but not for the lack of trying on Drogo’s part. Just, drunkenly, the King made a promise to the Count that he will grant one of his wishes. In front of witnesses, of all things...

Turns out that the wee wish the Count had was a position in the council. Guaranteed to him and his family. Drogo had no chance but to smile and nod, smile and nod. Just, the King was furious. “This will not stand!” declared Drogo. For while William was a surprisingly good steward, Drogo had better. And his son, Gaufrid, was nothing special.

William, now guaranteed to have a place in the council

It seemed like the only way to correct this mistake is by using devious methods. Like a small group of bandits attacking the small travel retinue of William and slaying them to a man. And losing most of their own men in process. Seeing that poor William was not much of a fighter, this was surprisingly easy. Drogo did feel a bit bad, but hey, he felt about William forcing his way into council even worse.

Woods can be dangerous...

William’s son and heir Gaufrid, a four-year old boy, agreed with the King that guaranteed council rights are not proper part of the vassal contract and thus, the situation as it was before was restored.

The situation is back to normal

Operation Delta

Michael VIII Doukas of the Roman Empire had been ruling since 1127. He had grown and stabilized the realm. Though not even half of the size the Roman Empire was at her peak, or even not the size of the Byzantium during the time of Justinianus, the realm was stronger then it had been in centuries. Retaking much of Syria, expanding into Hungary and once again, into Egypt. The latter really irked the Normans though.

Bohemond clashed with the Basileus over one of the counties of the Delta during the last years of his war. Drogo, seeing that it kind of pointless to fight an Empire of that size over one county, had been collecting the claims on different counties of the Delta for a while. And with the Divine Right, he could now press them all at once.

So, in February 1169, King Drogo of Sicily declared war on Michael VIII of the Roman Empire, claiming the rest of the Duchy.

Romans or not Romans, here come the Normans

The King also hired Normans of Dregnot, a mercenary company based in Palermo, to reinforce his armies. Norman company, consisting of light cavalry, light footmen, a regiment of armored soldiers and some levies. Strangely enough, led by another Doukas, Andreas, with whom Michael shared a common great-grandfather, Basileus Konstantinos X. Andreas though decided to move to Sicily, adopt the Norman way of life and was quite successful as a mercenary.

Norman mercenaries, named after long-lost Dregnots and commanded by a Doukas...

With the mercenaries and Norman man-at-arms, the initial army of Drogo reached nearly 7000 soldiers. Another 10 000 were drawn from the levies, but while they gathered, Drogo marched ahead and took Sharkiya, the county closest to Cairo.

By summer, all of the provinces in Delta were taken and Drogo, still not hearing any reports of the enemy army, marched on to Sullum, a province in Duchy of Alexandria, still in Byzantine hands. Of course, this is when the forces of Michael arrived. Around 12 000 Byzantine soldiers were spotted in Delta. Drogo dropped everything he was doing and much to the relief of the people of Sullum, packed his army and marched back.

By January 1170, Norman levies and the main army joined as one in Cairo and then marched north to meet the Byzantines in battle. Meanwhile, the Byzantine numbers had grown, reaching over 20 000.

The Byzantines had split up and in February, Drogo managed to hit a small part of the army, just little over 4000 strong, in Dumiyat. Rest of the Romans of course marched to the rescue, but the ferocity of the Normans were that great and the battle proceeded so fast that only one other army reached them.

Nearly 8000 Byzanties found their sorry end that day and half of the army was gone. The perfect example of conquer and divide.

Divide and conquer. Or at least, kill fast enough that reinforcements don't make it on time

Normans marched on, attacking the other Byzantine army in March 1170, led by Basileos himself, in Tinnis. Again with the same ferocity and numbers being 2:1 in Norman favor, the enemy had no chance, though Basileos did a bit better. He lost only 6000 troops and ran away with the remaining 3000.

Second Byzantine army, mostly dead, some on the run

Then, Drogo attacked the final Byzantine army in Delta, fresh off the boats in Faqus. April 1170 saw the destruction of the last enemy army in Delta.

Final one, gone

The Basileos was on the run. Drogo decided that the best course of action is to pursue. The Byzantines fled to the territory of Oultejourdain, and in June 1170 in the county of Kerak, outside the city of Shawbak, finding themselves cornered, decided to put up a last stand. Using the desert mountains to give the Normans something to remember them by.

Seeing that the Normans lost only 128 soldiers in the Battle of Shawbak, their last stand failed miserably. Michael VIII managed to flee, but the rest of the glorious Byzantine armies were annihilated in a series of battles from February to June 1170.

Not so famous last stand

The Basileos did not have a choice. The war was won. The Romans were given a thorough beating. The Duchy of Delta was safely in Norman hands. Few days after the Battle of Shawbak, the peace was signed and Prince Adelard Hauteville of Bohemia was now not just Count of Al-Buhaira, but the Duke of Delta.

Out with the Count, in with the Duke

The Fourth Crusade

In February 1170, the Pope Gregorius VII called every Christian to once again embark upon a crusade, in order to liberate the Holy Land from the heathens. Drogo double-checked, but the words were clear. “Crusade for Jerusalem”. That made him, the Lord of Jerusalem, a bit uncomfortable.

Oh, a Crusade... no, wait, what???

He first checked himself. It was quite clear that he was still a Christian. Then, he checked his domain. All of the three counties of Jerusalem were part of his lands. Then, he checked Urdunn, the third Duchy of Jerusalem. Still in Byzantine hands, still not a viable target to them being fellow Christians. Then, Oultejourdain. Nyannyagume Baba of High Cheifdom of Oultejourdain. An Ibadi Muslim.

“Fuck,” said Drogo.

Looking back, he found out that Oswyn, the former Duke of Oultejourdain, whom Bohemond granted the Duchy in 1135, inherited the counties of Alcaniz, Molina and Denia in 1149 from her grandmother, Queen Griselda of Valencia. And then, decided to switch allegiance to King Bohemond of Valencia and move his capital to Iberia. Meanwhile, peasants of Oultejourdain were not really happy with their Duke in absentia and started to rebel. Oswyn, instead of fighting them like a proper Norman should, just caved in and granted them their independence. And thus we have Nyannyagume Baba of Oultejourdain.

The Former Duke of Oultejourdain, the current High Cheif of Oultejourdain and what happened

“Fuck,” repeated Drogo. “Why wasn’t I informed,” he cried out to no-one in particular.

Then, he just said “Fuck” again, repeated by “it” and pledged his troops to the Crusade for Jerusalem.

In fact, he donated 2000 gold to the Crusader fund and chose Torgils Serlosen, a Danish Hauteville, as his beneficiary. “Let’s see if other Europeans reach the Holy Land before I end this tiny little crusade”, he commented.

A generous donation and future King of Jerusalem

 

[hjarg]

So, apparently Oswyn inherited some lands in Valencia, switched allegiance, lost the Duchy and once again, I'm going to Crusade Jerusalem?
This is my pet peeve of CK3, but seriously, Paradox! Notifications! Hello, your vassal just went and got himself another King?

To make things more interesting, this also meant that Oswyn, former Duke of Oultejourdain and current count of Alcaniz is the man who fucked Drogo's first wife, Yefemia., causing the divorce. And the father of Drogo's third wife, Sibyl. I don't even know if it is a good thing, a bad thing or just plain weird.

I just discovered it by investigating why the hell am I going to crusade over Jerusalem again- that they're the same person. This game gets really interesting things going on

Oh, and also, smashed the Byzantines and killed a nice fellow who asked me to party.

Well, then. Kingdom of Persia next? Or Maghreb, to finish off the West first?

9 Duchies? I'll run out of Hautevilles who are not inheriting something else before that!
But this is something for the next King. Now, something else, something special, will happen

It's true, CK3 has turned the Kingdom of Sicily into a psychosexual nightmare.

Are you going for the Empire of the Outremer?

Well, when you try to breed the Kwizatz Haderach, you will soon find out that the by-products of the experiment and their offsprings make for the best candidates to continue the breeding program. And if the church is ok with it, then who am I to disagree if all the Hautevilles intermarry.
It gets complicated though. You're my sister and my step-mother and my husband is also my nephew and if we look back far enough, there is just Tancred de Hauteville, founder of dynasty, father of all.

And no, didn't even know it existed. But I prefer to stay Norman.

I'm sure Tancred won't mind the constant reminder that he does not control Baghdad whenever his title is brought up.

Duke of Baghdad, but actually not Baghdad sounds like a fine title indeed

 

[TheAnguishedOne]

Here I thought you having a single county in Hungary would be the silliest thing in this update. A Crusade for Jerusalem... yeah, that really shouldn't be how you learn of this mess.

 

[stnylan]

Finally caught up. And there was much laughting, re Aubrey and the Adamite feast.

Hmmm, is it just me or am i getting a tiny bit overpowering. Seeing that i wipe Seljuks while losing few hundred men...
Well, not that i'm complaining too much...

I would just like to point out, that you are Norman. I mean, isn't overpowering part of the whole Norman thing?

So, apparently Oswyn inherited some lands in Valencia, switched allegiance, lost the Duchy and once again, I'm going to Crusade Jerusalem?
This is my pet peeve of CK3, but seriously, Paradox! Notifications! Hello, your vassal just went and got himself another King?

Currently this stops me from enjoying CK3. Or indeed, even playing it right now.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

In a second crusade for Jerusalem in my game, we ended up giving the land to the existing kingdom there because why not? I think your pope was just a vindictive shit.

 

[hjarg]

The Good Son and the Divine Son​

Kwizatz Haderach

23rd of March in the Year of Our Lord 1171 is a date to remember. For it was the date Sibyl gave birth to her firstborn son. King Drogo, already 51 at the time and multiple times a grandfather already, was not expecting to become father once more. But when Sibyl told him she was pregnant, he was overjoyed with pleasure.

And the boy... Let us just say that the father is a genius and with legendary strength. Her mother is as big of a genius as the father and in addition, beautiful beyond compare- and also, a strong woman, who is well-versed in ways of warfare.

The combination of these two really showed the strength of Hautevillean genes. The young boy inherited the best from his mother and father, making him the best direct descendant of good old Tancred yet.

Paul, grandson of Bohemond of Mernissa

“I shall name you Paul,” said Drogo lovingly.

Thus, Paul de Hauteville, result of select breeding, a plan set in motion during the time of Robert Guiscard, who started the Hauteville motto of “ability over title”, was born.

His grandparents consisted of three Hautevilles and one Baranis lowborn woman, born out of wedlock. To show how messed up Hauteville relations had become by then, Bohemond and Mernissa were also his great-great-grandparents. Twice. As were Queen Griselda of Valencia and his husband, son of Norman low nobles, Anfroi. Twice.

Paul, also a great-great-grandson of Bohemond and Mernissa.

At least Paul’s lineage looked much better from his father’s side. Bohemond and Mernissa. Then, Bohemond’s father Bohemond, the man who never got to be a King and his wife Eudokia, also a lowborn woman, but known for her brains. Then, Robert Guiscard himself and his first wife, Alberada. And finally, Tancred, the First Hauteville.

Young Paul, totally oblivious to all the commotion he caused, went to do what newborns do. Eating, sleeping and shitting. While the entire Kingdom looked expectantly at Drogo.

It was in December 1171 when the King finally made a decision. He named Paul as his main heir, meaning that in the future, it would be Paul who would sit on Sicilian throne. He also made Frery Duke of Cordoba (county of Cordoba not included), thus giving the firstborn his fair share and leaving the crown lands to Paul. The future of Sicily looked bright indeed.

Frery getting his share. Paul is getting it all.

Crusade for Jerusalem

In June 1171, the Crusade for Jerusalem began. It was clear from the start that poor Nyanyagume and his Ibadi allies would have loved to have a snowball's chance in hell. It was nearly 50 000 Catholics from all over Europe travelling to the Holy Land. Plus, as we all know, the Pope just loves to hire mercenaries, so the number is even higher. Versus 3715 defenders.

The Fourth Crusade goes to future textbooks as definition of overkill

In July, Drogo’s army, just his man-at-arms and Dregnot mercenaries, crossed the border and attacked Nyanyagume’s 2700 strong army, mostly levies, in Kerak. The result- Normans lost 28 soldiers, while Nyanyagume was out of an army.

No surprises there

Kerak fell in September and Drogo marched ahead to the second enemy province, Negev. In October, when the city was about a week away from surrendering, the first Europeans arrived. Namely, the Papal forces, who took over the siege and claimed all the glory to themselves. Drogo did not care much.

Very timely arrival of the Papal forces

It was over by November. Rest of Europe was still on their way to the Holy Land when Nyanyagume was stripped of his titles and sent packing, while King Torgils, the sole beneficiary of the Kingdom of Jerusalem, also known as the Duchy of Oultejourdain, took over. Compared to Valencia, Aragon and even Scotland, this was a lousy catch, but hey, a King’s title is a King’s title and Torgils, who was not in line to inherit anything, was a happy man.

All heil Torgils, the mighty King of Jerusalem, Liberator of the Holy Land!

Thus ended the Fourth Crusade.

The Divine Son

Shocked silence filled the room. Drogo, sitting on his throne, had his jaw dropped open and forgot to close it. Sibyl, sitting next to him, shared a similar expression and the council, seated a bit below, had most likely a competition going on of who would look the most dumbfounded. None won.

“Www.... www... what?” said Drogo minutes later, after the silence had filled the room, creeped out and started finding his way around the royal castle.

The herald sighed demonstrably, took a piece of parchment and read out in a loud clear voice:

“His Holiness, the Pope Gregorius VII Trygvesson, is pleased to announce that he is truly blessed by Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for his Divine Union has bore fruit and his firstborn son was born during the Crusade.

Three Christians I admire most, the Father

The child is healthy and the Pope is pleased to report that the Divine Sister Snofrid is also at great health and the childbirth went without complications.

The Most Staunch Supporter of Papacy, King Drogo, and his Most Christian vassals are expected to Rome to celebrate this joyous occasion and pay homage to the Divine Son Bard, the future Pope”

Son

Silence, having toured the castle and finding it boring, creeped back in and was amusing himself, trying to find out if one can fill the room already filled with silence with twice the amount of silence. Turns out that you can.

It was Sibyl who opened her mouth.

“The Divine Sister Snofrid being the actual sister of the Pope, Snofrid?” she asked with a weak voice.

and the Holy... shit, what is this???

Herald nodded.

“His Most Holy Pope and his Divine Sister have joined in the Most Holiest of Unions with the blessing of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,” he said. One could feel from his tone of voice when he was using capital letters.

He then turned expectantly to Drogo:

“The Pope awaits your reply, King,” he quite bluntly said. “Will you and your vassals come to Rome to pay homage to the Divine Son, the future Pope?”

It took a moment for Drogo to gather himself. Then, a few more moments. Finally, he opened his mouth and spoke: “Tell your master that me and my vassals will come to Rome”, he bursted out.

The herald nodded, bowed slightly, turned around and walked out. Not hearing the King adding silently: “Oh, we will come. Perhaps just not in a way you imagine it...”

As the doors closed, the silence remained. The King, the Queen and the councillors looked at each other with faces filled with confusion.

It was Anfroi, the old war-horse that finally opened his mouth. Pondering, he asked: “I thought the Pope was not supposed to stick it to anyone?”

After pondering a bit more, he continued: “Especially not to his sister?”

That finally broke the silence. Now, everyone had something to say, like the words had been waiting to come out for so long. Now, six voices filled the room at the same time, each trying to outtalk the other.

Apart from Osulf, the archbishop, who just sat there, silent, lost in thought.

Finally, he opened his mouth, saying with his best mass-voice and deafening everyone else in the room: “Fuck it!”

Everyone fell silent and gazed at the bishop. Always a calm man, none of them had heard the Bishop curse before.

“Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it,” he continued. “For a fucking 52 fucking years, i have lived a pious life. I have studied the fucking bible, I have educated you poor souls about the mercy of Jesus Fucking Christ. I have never touched a woman, I have never sinned. And now this. I’m a fucking idiot!”

The priest stood up, took off his tiara, stomped on it. Then, removed his robes and stood there, in his undergarments. “I’m fucking done! Fuck this faith. Fuck the pious life. I’m getting myself drunk tonight. Drunk, you hear me! And I'll be getting drunk in a whorehouse, with a wench!”

With this, he turned towards the door.

Drogo’s voice stopped him.

“Wait!,” the King said.

Osulf stopped and turned around.

“Wine and wenchers are not free,” the King said. He then grabbed a pouch from his belt and threw it to his Bishop. “Here, on me!”

Then, the Bishop was gone.

“We can not let this stand!” said the Queen.

“What can we do?” asked Lambert. “He is the Pope, after all. He can excommunicate us all at the snip of his fingers. He can put the entire kingdom under interdict...”

Frery replied: “No Pope who fornicates with his sister is a Pope of mine. This will not pass!”

Amri agreed. “I miss the previous Pope. He had at least the decency to fuck the wenches, not his sister.”

“The decadence of Rome has gone out of hand,” was the general consensus.

Then, it hit Drogo. “Gather around, everyone,” he said. “I have a cunning plan!”

 

[hjarg]

With the birth of Paul, who was almost perfect, things are really looking up for the Hautevilles. Though the future King's family tree has perhaps a bit too many similar faces...

And holy shit. A Pope in an incestuous relationship with his sister??? A son was born though this unholy union? Ok, I made up the Divine Son and Divine Sister stuff, just seemed kind of... appropriate. To add a notch to the craziness, for the rest of Europe just doesn't seem to care about the offspring of the Pope...

Here I thought you having a single county in Hungary would be the silliest thing in this update. A Crusade for Jerusalem... yeah, that really shouldn't be how you learn of this mess.

At least, as Crusades come- over with half a year and yet another Hauteville mini-king installed. The results are better then just keeping the Duchy,
But i'm pretty certain that this episode would out-silly the previous one by a whole fucking metric ton

Finally caught up. And there was much laughting, re Aubrey and the Adamite feast.

I would just like to point out, that you are Norman. I mean, isn't overpowering part of the whole Norman thing?

Currently this stops me from enjoying CK3. Or indeed, even playing it right now.

Glad you liked it
And a fair point- winning is definitely a Norman thing. And war happens just something that the Normans are really good at.

And I see your point. Of all Paradox games, I think the CK3 goes a long way to give you a little less then minimum information. Especially about your realm. Two decades of strategy games and still can't figure out how to give the player just the right amount of information. That is kind of an achievement

In a second crusade for Jerusalem in my game, we ended up giving the land to the existing kingdom there because why not? I think your pope was just a vindictive shit.

Heh, this Pope is a bit more then this But the thing is, there is no Kingdom of Jerusalem, so that's the main difference, I think. Though i've also managed to crusade lollards in Flanders that ended up with Kingdom of Catholic France, while the King of France was a proper Catholic as well. Crusades are just a bit weird at the moment.

 

[Human666]

Bard already has a magnificent chin. And wow, I've never had a pope that crazy. I've had a pirate pope (one leg, one eye, pet parrot) and several popes that threw orgies and sired bastards all over the place, but never one that shagged his own sister. Possibly because popes rarely have families.

 

[TheAnguishedOne]

Out with one favored heir, in with another. Considering the Hauteville's health, I think Paul will still have time to reach adulthood before he becomes king.

As for the Pope... wow. In another life, the Hauteville became Cathar because they didn't care for the Pope. This incident puts that to shame.

 

[TheStrategicMonster]

Eh,infanticide never hurt anyone,did it?

 

[stnylan]

Oh no, a cunning plan.

Just how cunning? As cunning as a fox who has just been made a professor of cunning at Palermo university? As cunning as a Norman fox who has been made a professor of cunning at Palermo university? As cunning as a Norman fox who has been made a professor of cunning at Palermo university called Baldrick?

 

[KingJerkera]

It seems the holy see needs to be cleansed again. Also I think that there should be some sort of mechanic to help deal with these sorts of situations rather than them just cropping up all the time.

 

[Nikolai]

And no, didn't even know it existed. But I prefer to stay Norman.

Empire of Normannia?

 

[hjarg]

Minor Changes

Gregorios VII Tryggveson sat in his study in his fancy Apostolic Palace and did some diplomatic correspondence. It was already night outside, but who cares. In these dark times, the Pope was one of the few who had the luxury of light. Expensive wax candles illuminated the room, making it almost as bright as a day.

The Pope shifted through correspondence. Though the Pope felt a lot of confusion, most of the rulers of Europe did not want to be on the bad side of the Pontifex Maximus, thus kind of, in carefully worded letters, offered some kind of support for the Divine Son.

Gregorios smiled. He knew full well that the wealth of the entire Europe at his fingertips, coming from the church tithes from Iberia to Baltic, made him the wealthiest man of Europe. With this money, he had enough for bribes, for hiring all the Italian mercenaries, for making the Latinum the most developed province in Italy. Plus, the power of excommunications. They feared him, they envied him. But none had the might to stand up against him.

And if they decided to do that... The Pope laughed. The fate of Scotland, so set on their Lollard ways, so certain of themselves, until at his beck and command, the entire Europe swarmed the Scottish lands and dethroned the King, was fresh on anyone’s mind.

The Pope felt unstoppable. It was a good feeling.

Amongst the letters was one from Drogo.

“What does the Norman dog want,” Gregorios mumbled to himself as he opened it.

“Heh, money again,” he said to his secretary. “Very well. Let the pauper have his shekels. If it were not for the Papal treasury, the Normans would amount to nothing. And I need him to keep the Muslims in bay”

“Just, add a reminder- this will be the last shipment of gold and silver, unless he visits Rome and pays homage to the Divine Son. The dog must be taught his place. ”

The secretary nodded. The next morning, a ship from Ostia, guarded by a small fleet, set sail towards Palermo, carrying yet another 750 worth of gold, silver and precious stones.

Hello Pope, good-bye gold

A week later, Gregorios got yet another letter from Drogo.

“Again with the Norman dog,” he mumbled to himself yet again, as he opened the letter. “This better be his agreement to come to Rome and bow before me and my son, or else...”

He read the letter. Then, disbelieving what his eyes told him, he read it again. Then, he took the letter, tore it to little pieces and cursed.

“That heathen King and his fucking vassals. I shall show them who is the true master of Europe. The nerve of those bastards! They will regret the day they crossed me!”

Minor Changes

4th of February 1172 saw the weather in Alexandria to be windy, but pleasantly warm. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and clear. Palermo had been more rainy and a bit colder, so it was a nice change.

Sibyl leaned to Drogo, whispering “We should come here more often.”

Drogo nodded, gazing at the crowd. It seemed like the entire city was there. Gazing at the King and his most powerful vassals. Together, they stood at the doors of the Ducal Palace of Godfrey of Alexandria, who so nicely had offered to house all of the high nobles of the Kingdom and their retinues. To be fair, it was quite crowded.

The King made a small sound and his horse started to move, slowly. Besides him, the Queen did the same and the cavalcade of Normans, cream of the Kingdom, followed slowly. Dressed as fancily as possible, clothed in fine silk, with gold and silver being encrusted to their clothing and the amount of jewels, worn everywhere, could feed a poor family for a few millennia. A display of wealth and power if there ever was one.

The crowd cheered as the Normans paraded the streets of Alexandria, towards their goal.

The goal being the Cathedral of St Marcus, the evangelist. Built to the location of supposedly one of the oldest Chistian churches, founded by the same St Marcus during his stay in Alexandria, when the year was just 42. One could feel the roots of the Christianity in this church. One could feel the Evangelist, giving sermons to the bewildered crowd back when the religion was brand new, back, when there was less then 10 years from the death and resurrection of Jesus.

Sinder was waiting for the Normans outside the Church. Drogo dismounted and kneeled before the man. As did the other Normans. The black man, hailing from land between Nubia and Abyssinia in the south, smiled, bowed slightly and beckoned them to follow.

Meet Pope Sinder

The Coptic Church had always been strong in Egypt. The earliest Christian sect surviving to this day, with the City of Alexandria at its center. The Church had survived Muslim rule, who left the Copts mostly alone, and the Normans followed suit. The result- Alexandria had always been a center of learning for the Copts. Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria, Sinder, was therefore residing in the City. And was very pleasantly surprised when the Norman King asked for his audience. Even more so when King told of his reasons for the audience.

The Coptic faith had survived in the lands down south. With the resurgence of Junokardids, they also had taken back most of Egypt and some lands in the Sinai and few provinces in the Arabian peninsula. They were stronger then they have been in centuries. Their main Holy City was Alexandria. Besides that, they also considered Jerusalem their Holy Site. Naturally. And Antioch, currently in Byzantine hands. Since the Coptic faith is also prominent in down south, two sites in Nubia and Abyssinia are also considered Holy. Aksum and Napata.

Holy Shit, these Holy Sites...

Inside the Cathedral of St Marcus, the Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria dipped the King’s head into baptismal water. Three times. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Then, the Pope did the same to Queen Sibyl. Then, all the children of Drogo. Then, all the vassals. It was quite a long process, and several servants were needed to keep the baptismal water from running out. The Pope concluded the ceremony with a traditionally long and boring sermon.

When the Normans finally exited the church, they bore the Coptic Crosses. The locals of Alexandria went wild.

Hello Coptics

Drogo stopped Sinder at the door. “Well, there is the question of traditional baptizing gifts to heathen Kings,” he winked at his new Pope.

Sinder was a bit taken aback. “How much,” he whispered.

“750 is the traditional sum,” the King replied.

The Pope looked taken aback. “I’m not as rich as the Roman Pope, you know”, he replied.

“I’ll add a bit and this money will go to building a great cathedral in Alexandria,” the King assured the Pope.

“Oh well,” sighed the Pope. “I’ll send almost all of my savings over to your treasury tonight.”

Different Popes, but the gold is the same

Drogo smiled.

With just a day, almost the entire nobility of the Kingdom of Sicily became Coptic.

And Drogo, with the support of Coptic learned circles in Alexandria, became even more knowledgeable- one of the most learned men in Europe.

Drogo, the most learned King

As the Normans and the Copts went feasting, Drogo summoned one of his scribes. “Send a letter to the Roman Pope,” he said and then, started to dictate.

“To the most depraved Pope Gregorious VII,

May it be known that we will not support your misguided claims of Divine Son or whatever you like to call it. May it be known that to me, you are nothing but a sisterfucker, you weird sicko.

So, I would like to inform you that we found a new and better Pope, called the Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria, Sinder. From now on, the Normans will follow the Coptic faith. Excommunicate us all you want.

Up yours,

Drogo.

PS! Thanks for the gold!”

Trouble in Paradise

“No,” said Pope Sinder. “I will not endorse it!”

“But the Roman Pope...” started Drogo.

“He is still a fellow Christian!” replied Sinder.

“Even though the man is ploughing his own sister and declared the offspring of that relation as the future Pope? Not very Christian?” replied Drogo.

“Still, he is the Roman Pope. What Rome does is not Coptic business,” shrugged Sinder. “It is the way it has always been.”

“Your Holiness,” started the King. “What goes on in Italy is now a Coptic business.”

Sinder looked at him with a surprised look. “What?”

“Coptic faith is now present in Italy,” said the King. “Few provinces from the City of Rome. What happens in Rome, or what happens in Italy, is Coptic business now. As is what happens in Jerusalem, or Cordoba, or in Tunis, or in Baghdad. Did you realize that when the Normans converted, we expanded Coptic influence throughout the Mediterranean and beyond?”

What happens in Italy is kind of Coptic business now

“The affairs of the Roman Pope are still not Coptic business. Your wish to go against the Roman Pope stands against everything our faith stands for. Come on, did you study our tenants before converting?”

Drogo shrugged. “Christ. One Christ. So many different tenants...”

“Ours do not allow any meddling in neither Rome or Constantinople. We live our life, but we do not interfere...”

Drogo, understanding full well when the stubbornness of the opposite party was equal to his own, bid the Pope farewell. He rode back to Ducal Palace of Alexandria.

“Everyone still here?” he asked.

Sibyl smiled. “Festivities are grand indeed, all are still here, though perhaps not in the best of condition.”

“Good,” said the King. “Gather everyone! I have an even more cunning plan!”

 

[hjarg]

First, this is my 50th episode, unless i have terribly miscalculated.
So, something special.

And let me take an opportunity to thank you all for reading and commenting. Gives me motivation to go on.

As for why Coptic. Three reasons.

- Best holy sites. 10 learning, 5 military, 5 diplomacy, and +1 stewardship to boot.
- Low fervor. At around 40% or so.
- Pope Sinder... well, Sinder means "Weasel" in Estonian, so

And I think it is quite obvious what the next episode will be...

Bard already has a magnificent chin. And wow, I've never had a pope that crazy. I've had a pirate pope (one leg, one eye, pet parrot) and several popes that threw orgies and sired bastards all over the place, but never one that shagged his own sister. Possibly because popes rarely have families.

Yeah, i'm pretty certain this Pope is quite unique. Or at least very rare. Though the Pirate Pope sounds so cool!
And yes, usually the Popes are without family. I wonder how the poor sod got elected...

Out with one favored heir, in with another. Considering the Hauteville's health, I think Paul will still have time to reach adulthood before he becomes king.

As for the Pope... wow. In another life, the Hauteville became Cathar because they didn't care for the Pope. This incident puts that to shame.

Yes, the chances are pretty good. Especially when Drogo happens to get the boost from being herculean as well. I'm more worried about Drogo not being able to kick the bucket in a good time

And yes, this will take the Papacy to new lows. The result... is about the same though Cathar vs Coptic...

Eh,infanticide never hurt anyone,did it?

Nah, that would be dealing with the result. Dealing with the problem needs a different kind of approach. Papacide? Popecide?

Oh no, a cunning plan.

Just how cunning? As cunning as a fox who has just been made a professor of cunning at Palermo university? As cunning as a Norman fox who has been made a professor of cunning at Palermo university? As cunning as a Norman fox who has been made a professor of cunning at Palermo university called Baldrick?

This time, i'll settle with plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
I'll leave the university of cunning for the next time

It seems the holy see needs to be cleansed again. Also I think that there should be some sort of mechanic to help deal with these sorts of situations rather than them just cropping up all the time.

I'm pretty certain that no-one at Paradox even had the question of what should we do when the Pope gets incestuous.
This is rare enough. And at least Catholic did not take a fervor loss, there have been too many anyway.

It is up to Normans to rectify that situation.

Empire of Normannia?

Actually, I was planning to steal the name and use it shamelessly, so here you go!

 

[Nikolai]

Actually, I was planning to steal the name and use it shamelessly, so here you go!

I'm happy to inspire, feel free to steal it all you want. And Coptic eh? I like that. While being Protestant myself, I wrote my master thesis in modern history on the Copts. I came over a simple analogy on the difference between Coptic and Chalcedonian Christianity. Copts believe the two natures of Christ is like wine and water in a bottle; impossible to discern from each other. Chalcedonian Christianity (that is Orthodox, Catholic, Protestant etc btw) see it like water and oil. Separate, but still in one bottle.

 

[Dunaden]

Smooth move slipping out of the mad Pope's grasp and finding a sane Pope in Sinder. Time to add Rome to your collection of great cities.

 

[TheAnguishedOne]

Honestly a reasonable reaction to the Roman Pope's antics. Coptic shall spread throughout your kingdom, spicing up the religious landscape a bit more in Europe.

 

[stnylan]

Well I am certainly chuckling reading this.

Drogo is doing a pretty job of ensuring he is not in anyone's shadow

 

[hjarg]

Away with Popes​

“Ok, now that we’re all here,” Drogo looked over his vassals. All Coptic, all in a different state of drunkenness, all celebrating the new faith and taking it really seriously. The celebration, that is. Religion, perhaps not so much. All of them Hautevilles. The direct ones anyway.

“You know, the Coptic faith has been proven a bit stiffer than I expected,” the King said. “I have had a hard time convincing the new Pope that it is ok to attack the lands of the old Pope.”

That got their attention.

“Whatta ya mean?” someone asked, with a bit of a soft tongue.

“Sinder tells me that it is unethical to attack another Christian, especially a man as holy as the Pope of Rome, head of the Catholic church!”

“Hey, dinna know fuckin yer sister was gonna get ya holy!” was someone else’s opinion. “Perhaps the old pope was right on spot with this divine shit!”

“Nor do we have the Pope's blessing to attack Antioch, a city that is apparently very holy to us and apparently, under heretic Byzantine rule- but since they are also kind of Christian, we cannot attack him as well,” Drogo continued.

“Heeeey! Let us make our own religion!” It was Anfroi, the marshal, who had been spending the whole week trying out how drunk a Duke can get.

“With blackjack and hookers,” he continued. Then, he added “In fact, forget the religion” and stormed out, like he had forgotten something important. Like blackjack and hookers.

“As our beloved Marshal put so eloquently,” Drogo picked up the talk again, after the rest of the Hautevilles had watched the man storm out. “The Popes suck! Why do we need one? Or two, for that matter? I suggest we make our own Coptic faith, here and now!”

There were actually surprisingly many people nodding in agreement. And it was not just the booze talking.

“So, let us get the important things first,” said Drogo. “What shall we name it?”

“Drogonism!” shouted someone. “Hautevillanism!” said another

Drogo just shook his head, humbly: “Something not related to me perhaps?”

“Coptic!” “Hey, we have that already!” “New and better Coptic?”

“How about Christianity?”

“This is already kind of taken, you know!”

“How about Norman Christianity then?”

There was an ooh in the room following that one. So, it was decided. Norman Christianity it is.

“Now, the description,” said the King. “I have something prepared. Listen up, folks!”

And thus, the wise King spoke:

“As our Warlord, Jesus Christ, rides in front of heavenly army of saints to wage battle on the forces of hell, so must all the followers of him down on Earth bring death and destruction to heathens and heretics.“

There was much more oooooooh from the room. It was obvious it was decided.

Gives a pretty good description of the Normans

Now, it was time for the core tenets.

“Who cares about them armed pilgrimages?” asked Drogo. “They’re for weaklings! I suggest going full warmongering, as it is deemed appropriate by Jesus, the Heavenly Warlord! We will wage war like we were meant to!”

The room went wild.

“And also, I for one am tired of the Popes telling us that sex is bad and the most holiest folks live in monasteries, in life of celibacy...” the King said thoughtfully. “Not like there is anything bad with sex. It provides us little warriors... and little Hautevilles who will be ruling over the conquered lands. So, I say we stop this idiotic thing about the demonization of sex and instead, embrace it!”

The room went even more wild!

“As for the third tenant, I have no idea,” the King shrugged. “Any suggestion?”

“Human sacrifice!” shouted someone. “Ritual Cannibalism!” added another. “Syncrroiec folk traddittions,” added the third

All were booed down.

“Hey, how about we keep the Communion,” asked one. “I kindda liked that!”

There was general agreement.

“Isn’t it kind of spelled differently?” pondered Drogo. “Ahh, nevermind, that it is!”

Thus, the core tenants of Norman Christianity were chosen.

Warmonger, Carnal Exaltion and Communion. Right?

“Let us continue- clergy doctrines and main doctrines,” said Drogo. “May I suggest- no Popes!”

“No Popes, no popes,” the Hautevilles chanted cheerfully.

“And since the priests are nothing more then men wearing fancy dresses, I suggest these fit woman as well!” the King continued.

There was a murmur of agreement.

“And since we’re done with the celibacy, there is no reason to keep expecting it from our priests,” the King made another logical leap.

There was no argument for this one.

“And I say we do away with the current theocratic system and instead, institute a lay clergy” suggested the King.

There were a lot of empty stares.

“You get temple holdings to yourselves,” the King explained.

The cheering was unanimous.

“Also, no-one should tell us whom we get as our Archbishops. And if needed, we could fire them as we want.”

The King found no disagreement on this one. All the Hauteville rulers nodded enthusiastically.

“As for anyone who isn’t Norman Christian?” the King enquired. “What should we do with them?”

“Purge the heretics, purge the heretics!” the Hautevilles changed. The King just nodded. “Fundamentalist approach it is!”

“Finally, there is the question about genders,” the King finally came to a more pressing issue. “I personally think that one Norman woman is worth 10 other men... but the choice is yours.”

For the first time, there were protests. From the male Hautevilles that is. That died quite quickly when their spouses and daughters and mothers stared them down. Quite sobering stares. Indeed, the Norman women were worth 10 other men. Thus, the Norman woman would be treated no different from the Norman men. This of course would create some interesting things in succession.

Main and clergy doctrines

“Next, we have marriage doctrines...” the King pulled the discussion along.

“I say we change little here...but since there is no head of church to grant divorces, perhaps we should just allow them? I personally can’t be bothered to deal with all your divorce requests, you know...”

There was again general agreement. Less hassle is always good.

“As for marriages,” the King continued, with a lewd look on his face: “Every man should be married to one woman and one woman only.” Then, he took a deep breath. “But it is ok to take a few concubines on the side, ok?”

The male Hautevilles murmured in agreement.

Then, Queen Sibyl spoke, with a very icy tone. “Are you absolutely sure about that, my dear?”

Drogo’s posture became much less dominant as he muttered quietly “I think we should continue with the monogamy...”

As Sibyl’s gaze passed across the room, there was much agreement that monogamy is the one and true way and should stay that way.

“As for your bastards,” the King continued. “I don’t care. If you stick it, you take responsibility. Any objections?”

There were none.

No bastards, yes to divorces

“Finally, the crime doctrines...” the King was reaching the end. “I suggest that the law will refrain from interfering in the personal life of the people! Or, by other words, i’m tired of all your sex scandals. For starters, let us start with decriminalization of adultery”

“What, you?” said somebody again. “With your two wives locked away for infide... infudee.. fucking someone else.”

Drogo winched as the painful memories returned, but continued: “Yes, I would really prefer to deal with these matters without pleading divorce from the Pope and locking people up, so...”

There was a bit of silence in the room, while people pondered.

“Well, ok then,” was the response.

“And for accepting homosexuality? Isn’t that a sin against God and everything that is holy?” someone once again enquired.

Drogo shrugged. “Then let it be a sin. But I personally think this will be between the sinner and the God, not something you should bother your King with.”

“And deviancy?” someone asked

“Look, I’m really tired of your sex scandals,” said Drogo, looking tired indeed “I don’t want to judge you because you have... interesting tastes. In fact, I prefer not to hear about them. If there is consent,” the King paused for a few seconds, “From all parties involved, I just don’t care. Between Jesus and you..:”

There was again murmur of agreement.

“And witchcraft? Surely, that is bad?”

Drogo shrugged. “Sacrificing babies is illegal anyway. And if someone can get me a working flying broom, I see some military applications for that...”

Again, general agreement.

Pretty much everything is allowed

“So, we’re pretty much done establishing Norman Christianity, right?” the King concluded. “All in favor, raise your hand!”

Gerbert II, Duke of Sardinia and a nephew of Drogo, stood up and said “I will stand here no longer and let you insult proper catholicism with your heresies! Count me out of this!”

“Hey, you dinnae convert to Coptic either, what are you doing here anyway?” asked someone.

“Why does anyone come to Egypt at this time of the year? Free booze and sunshine,” shrugged Gerbert. Then, he walked off.

Apart from him and Anfroi, who was still on his quest for blackjack and hookers, the rest of 37 vassals of King Drogo raised their hands in unison.

Here we go!

Thus, Christianity was splintered even more, with the special sect of Norman Christianity forming. No Pope, no crusades, but definitely the most violent take on the teaching of the Great Heavenly Warlord, Jesus Christ.

More splintered Christianity

As promised though, Drogo spent 1000 gold on building the Great Cathedral of Alexandria. Just, this was going to be a place for Norman Christians, not Copts.

Alexandria getting her cathedral, as promised

The lands of Sicily were still mostly Catholic, though key areas were already converted to Normanism.

With a Court Chaplain like Drogo’s brother, Duke Tancred of Salerno, this will surely change soon enough. Ability to choose your religious advisor surely had some benefits.

All the temple holdings that Drogo was now proud owner of were granted to various vassals. With one exception- the Bishopric of Nablus. This, Drogo kept to himself. You know, even when you’re not Catholic anymore, there is nothing wrong with taking the pilgrim money and using it to advance Norman Christianity.

Nablus, the sole temple Drogo kept

Instead, Drogo gave the County of Ghazza away. To Arnald, grandson of the current Count of Malta, who has no chance to inherit anything. Nice fellow, apart from the distinct lack of clothing.

New Count of Ghazza and his wife. Looks like Adamitism is not yet rooted out from Sicily

“Put some clothes on, boy. And embrace the new faith, too,” said Drogo, as he also went to have a word with the grandfather of the boy about danging his dong around in public.

Finally, Drogo dictated another letter, to be sent to the Catholic Pope. It went as followed:

“To the most depraved Pope Gregorious VII,

After much deliberation, I have decided to accept your invitation. Me and my vassals will be travelling to Latium soon, where we shall give you and your devil’s spawn the homage you deserve.

Your fellow Christian,
King Drogo”