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tcnc

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Difficulty: everything set to normal
Starting date: 1453
Patch: 2.1

--------------

Ah, England. A nation of stuck up people and annoying accents. They invented buggery, madrigals and dubious throne claiming. But what is it they hide from the world? How is England *really* like? Thanks to revolutionary Swedish engine Europa Universalis III, we can finally find out. Join me, then, in this journey through the fanciest country in Europe, and, most importantly, its people.

We begin our tale at the Regency Council's meeting room. Mighty England is losing the Hundred Years War. We used to be winning it, but then an insane cross dressing french girl drove us away. Even worse, the reason we need a Regency Council is because King Henry VI is raving mad. Why, just last night he broke into the chapel in an attempt to marry one of the plant vases from the palace.

A Duke: Gentlemen, this country has hit an all-time low. The people are unhappy, we are outnumbered by the French and our King believes his name is Poo Poo von Tinckletrousers. I propose that we make peace with the French.
An Earl: Well yes, but what kind of peace?
A Duke: I feel that if we hold on to any claims on the French continent we'll only be in trouble. I propose we give Gascony and Calais to the French and renounce our claims on all their territory.
A Viscount: That's humilliating! Everyone knows we are entitled to the French throne!
A Duke: But notice that if we give them our continental holdings, they're much more likely to get into a scramble with Burgundy, which would turn their attention away from us.
An Earl: But without our French territories, what are we going to do to expand ourselves? Our inflation is steadily increasing, even with the least minting possible!

(The King enters)

Henry VI: Eh-eh-eh!
A Viscount: Oh God, the King is here.
A Duke: Now now, Mr. Von Tinckletrousers. We are in a very important meeting and would be very appreciated if you left.

(The King opens his arms, revealing large wings glued to them.)

An Earl: Oh, you want to fly, is that correct?
Henry VI: Eh-eh-eh!
A Duke: Good! I think we can arrange for that, can't we?
A Viscount: Most definitely!
An Earl: We'll get you to the roof, your Highness.

---------------

Bordeaux is a lovely city. It is, in fact, the only lovely city in France. The others are just sexually attractive.

Lou: Say, officer Andy, isn't that our main fleet heading towards the port?
Andy: Yeah I know.
Lou: I wonder why they're here... there haven't been any French ships around here... oh! Maybe peace has been signed! Maybe we're getting out of here!
Andy: I don't like it.
Lou: Why wouldn't you like it? It's peace - we won't have to fight anymore!
Andy: It's boring.
Lou: But Andy, I thought you said war was the most shameful of all human behaviours, a manifestation of jealousy and greed and therefore a reprehensible action in all its aspects!
Andy: Yeah I know.
Sailor: All aboard, soldiers!
Lou: Let's go then, officer Andy.
Andy: I don't want to!
Lou: *sigh*
 

tcnc

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About a month after the war ended, a strange bearded emissary wearing a skirt approached the royal palace in London.

Emissary: Are ye there, señor? Yo tengo una message for you!
[a Duke opens the window]
Duke: Who are you, and what are you doing yelling in the streets at 2 am in Spanish?!
Emissary: Ah, sorry. Is this nae Castille?
Duke: No, it's England, you twit. Now get back to the nuthouse.
Emissary: Never insult the noble people of Schotland, ye tweed wearing traitor! I just followed the map wrong. Are ye sure this is England?
Duke: Of course!
Emissary: Ah. I guess it'll have to do. I was going to Castille to arrange for a royal marriage between our young prince Rufus Naughtykilt and a Castillian princess.
Duke: Well, Princess Jane is still single, I guess we could arrange for that.
Emissary: Ah, excellent! Back to Edinburgh then!
Duke: When will the prince be arriving?
Emissary: I don't know, he's usually drunk. Or is that the prince of Leinster?
-------

The Regency Council had a meeting the following day, and they didn't have very pleasant things to report. I myself just broke a toe nail. I'll have one of the peasants do my pedicure.

Duke: I'm afraid our inflation is increasing at a rate of 0.4% a month. While we could be doing worse, we could also be doing better. Like our Economics textbooks so clearly explain, "inflation is no good."
Earl: I feel like national stability is more important right now. A massive revolt began iin January in Wales, and only now - 7 months later - did our armies manage to repress it. We couldn't understand what they were complaining about, but it was most annoying since they spit a lot when they yell.
Viscount: Nah, those are easy to deal with. What we need is some way to start making more money.
Earl: How about merchants?
Duke: That would be a terrific idea if we had any. When stability is low they prefer to stay home.
Viscount: We could always sell the king into slavery. Not that it would fill our coffers, but...
[an emissary suddenly walks in. no, not the scottish one]
Emissary: My lordships, I have great news!
Duke: We won the world cup?
Earl: We just invented the space ship?
Viscount: Elvis is alive?
Emissary: Better than all of those! The King is dead!
Duke: Hoorah!
Earl: The mad king is dead, long live the king!
Emissary: Uh... now's when I have to say the bad news.
Duke: There's bad news as well?
Emissary: Indeed. Our new king, is...uh... princess Jane.
Duke: What?!
Viscount: We have a queen?!
Earl: I thought all the queens were in the fashion industry.
Emissary: Well, Queen Jane's coronation ceremony is in a few days.
Duke: God, we're doomed....
 

Abraxas

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Great opening posts. I'll be watching this
 

tcnc

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England's nobility was extremely troubled by the thought of having a woman reigning over them. Unlike nowadays, monarchs back then did more than just sit on their rich butts all day. Queen Jane called an emergency meeting with the Court in order to discuss her latest plans.

Queen Jane: Fellow noblemen - I recently attended the funeral of Hundred Years War general John Neville. He died of happiness a few days ago upon hearing the king had passed away. The Portuguese Queen was also at the funeral, and naturally we started chatting. The subject of making money eventually came up, and she told me how in her country, people get into boats and explore unknown waters in search of new land that will give them wealth.
Duke: That is a completely foolish idea!
Queen Jane: I disagree. A few years back they discovered Madeira, which has sugar!
Noblemen: Ooooh
Queen Jane: And rare wood!
Noblemen: Ooooh
Queen Jane: And bananas!
Noblemen: Uh?
Queen Jane: The point is, we too can find great wealth if we do the same thing.
Noblemen: Eh...
Queen Jane: I've taken the liberty of hiring Portuguese scientists and technicians who will help us get started.
Duke: This is it, the country's going down the drain...
--------------

September 5th of 1455 was a great day for England. An alliance was signed with Scotland, a fleet of 3 cogs and 3 galleys was sent to Iceland for exploration, and prince Rufus Naughtykilt was oficially recognized as the most demented man in Britain.
Commanding the fleet was Explorer Geoffrey Buckingham. Buckingham was extremely famous in educational institutions around the country. He was expelled from Oxford under charges of crossdressing and from Wessex Naval School under charges of being a complete twit. He was only hired because he was brave enough - and foolish enough - to sail into uncharted seas.
3000 mercenary soldiers were aboard the expedition. They were leaded by conquistador George Wolfe, a Hundred Years War veteran who spent most of the conflict pillaging french villages for wine. The Queen personally attended the expedition's departure ceremony.

Queen Jane: Remember Geoffrey: brush your teeth and don't start drinking your own urine until you run out of water.
Buckingham: Aw.
Queen Jane: You should be in Reykjavik within a month. We have a military access pact with the Norwegians, so this is completely legal. Once then you can refill supplies and repair the ships, and while George's army stays behind, you'll sail west until you find land. Is that clear, Geoffrey?
Buckingham: Yes, your highness.
Queen Jane: Now George, if Buckingham comes back with news of land, you and your 3000 men go with them to explore it.
Wolfe: Will there be wine in it?
Queen Jane: I'm not sure.
 

comagoosie

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Hey tcnc I knew you would take our advice, nice AAR already. But an alliance with the Scottish is this madness, a englishman nevers allies himself to the rebellion ;)
 

tcnc

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Hahaha, I see your point - but later I manage to diplo-vassalize them as a result of the alliance. Secures the northern board AND ensures expansion ;)
 

unmerged(86922)

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A great start, but are there screenshots? Any way it does not matter if you have them.
 
Jan 9, 2005
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How on earth did we invent buggery? :confused:
 

tcnc

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comagoosie - Thanks, I'll see if this actually works :p

mad general - I took some screenshots, but since I wasn't planning to post this on the forum they're just pasted on a .doc. I'll see if I can upload them or something.

mandead - You didn't, it's nonsensical on purpose ;)

----------------------------

Ah, Iceland. A tropical paradise, home of the most beautiful women and the finest fruit. Lucky explorer Geoffrey Buckingham and his expedition have just reached Reykjavik.

Buckingham: Hello? Is anyone here? Gosh, it's cold.
Wolfe: I'm guessing that's why this place is deserted.
Buckingham: We need to get maintenance for the ships!
Wolfe: And food for the men.
Buckingham: And supplies for the trip!
Wolfe: And women for the men.
Buckingham: And navigation charts for orientation!
Wolfe: And men for the women.
Buckingham: Now you're just being nonsensical.
Wolfe: Had a bit too much to drink.
[Suddenly, a local pops in the harbour]
Buckingham: Oh, excuse me kind sir! I'm Geoffrey Buckingham, I'm here on behalf of the English crown. I assume your governor has been informed of our expedition?
Local: Vad är du ordstävet?
Buckingham: Now don't try fooling with me, that's Swedish!
Local: April Fools from Paradox!
Buckingham: It's not April Fools today.
Local: We run by a different calender.
Buckingham: Maybe if you didn't we'd get our patches faster.
Wolfe: Hear hear!
Buckingham: Anyway, can you get our ships repaired?
Local: Sure. I'm the governor of Iceland, by the way.
Buckingham: Looks like a pretty desolate place to me.
Local: Yeah, I felt like that too. But then you start hearing voices and kinda just forget about it.
Wolfe: You think we could watch a Björk concert?
Local: No, I don't think so. We're not quite in those times yet. As you can see, Reyjkavik is still just a harbor.
Buckingham: Oh well. We'll be staying for a couple of weeks until the ships get ready.
Local: I hope you like fish.
--------------------

Months later, in February of 1456, Geoffrey Buckingham finally decided to leave. He proclaimed Iceland was the most beautiful place in the world, just after Berlin during the Soviet invasion.

Local: I'm still surprised at how you stayed for so long. Won't your Queen get angry?
Buckingham: She doesn't know whether we've left or not! As far as she's concerned, we might be dead!
Wolfe: Devoured by sea monsters.
Local: Of course not. The instant you got here I sent her a message. I just told her you're about to leave now.
Buckingham: Oh boy...
Wolfe: I seriously hope I die in the voyage now.
Local: Oh well, I'm sure the discoveries you'll make will improve your relations with her.
Buckingham: Ah, like we'll discover anything! We're just sailing West without any idea of what to do.
Local: Sounds fairly dangerous.
Wolfe: Indeed. We'd much rather stay here. It's just like you said: we don't notice the cold anymore. Isn't that right, miss Purple Giraffe?
Purple Giraffe: Totally.
Buckingham: Oh well, warn the men Wolfe. It's time to raise our anchor.
Wolfe: It's time for YOU to raise the anchor.
Buckingham: I'm sorry?
Wolfe: Remember Queen Jane's plan? I'm staying here while you go exploring. In case you find land you come back to get us. If you don't you come back here and then we get back to England. If you don't find anything AND disappear forever in the voyage, I'll just stay here and wait for the Icelanders to get us home. And I'm taking miss Purple Giraffe with me!
Buckingham: What? Mr. Green Panda will never accept that!
Wolfe: He's the one who slept with Queen Victoria!
Local: That's enough, fellows! Wolfe, I'm having you and your men build boats for the Norwegian navy. Meanwhile you go off exploring, Geoffrey.
Buckingham: Oh well. See you in a few months, or maybe never.
Wolfe: I hope you actually find something.
 

tcnc

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May 31st 1456, Captain's Log. The Captain being me, Geoffrey Buckingham.

I heard news from England. Apparently stability increased in March. People are happy with our expedition, which is good, but I'm freezing on this boat, in the middle of the unknown seas, which is where I've been for over 3 months. And meanwhile, that bastard Wolfe is back at Reykjavik happily building ships, living the easy life!

--------

Wolfe: Can we´*gasp* have a break already?
Icelander: Silence, you disgusting foreigner!

---------

Thankfully we haven't run out of supplies yet, but if this continues we'll all die of thirst and starvation and pneumonia and scurvy! I have to find SOME land soon, or else I might as well resign. The weather's been so bad we can't even look at the stars at night to guide ourselves! How are we supposed to get back to Iceland? Maybe I should write my last will. I'm giving all I have to the Church. At least they didn't send me on some crazy voyage to unknown places to find land that probably isn't there! Of course, I was foolish in accepting, but what could I do?

Sailor: Eh captain!
Buckingham: What is it? I was writing my captain's log!
Sailor: Were you? Well add this: we just found some frikkin' land!
Buckingham: Are you serious?!
Sailor: Well, given our poor physical condition it's possible our eyes are playing tricks on us, but I think we did.
Buckingham: Let me have a look.
[Buckingham goes out to the deck and takes a look. There is nothing but fog]
Buckingham: Quite frankly, I don't see anything.
Sailor: Look at the water!
Buckingham: Goodness gracious me, it's filled with woods and rests of plants!
Sailor: It's a sign of land!
Buckingham: Hurry, mark our position!
Sailor: But I don't know where we are, the clouds are too thick!
Buckingham: Gosh... I know this is drastic, but right now it's inevitable. Hey, Saint Peter? Are you listening to us? Well, I've always been a good christian sir, and I'm sure that in your grace and in the Lord's, you'd clear the skies and allows us to mark our position. Would you do that, sir?
[...]
Sailor: I don't think it's working...
Buckingham: Alright then. Listen, you bloody peasant, just because you carry the frikkin' keys of Heaven it doesn't mean you have the right to boss us around, so clear those clouds or I swear to God I'm going up there and I'm raping your sister.
Sailor: ...Nah, now I just see thunderbolts.
Buckingham: OK. Plan C. Saint Peter, I'm sorry I have to say this, but Peter Griffin was actually named after you.
Sailor: It's working! Praise the Heavens! The sun looks beautiful!
Buckingham: Excellent! I'll be doing the needed calculations and we'll be back to Reykjavik in no time!
----------------

And so it was. On July 23rd, Buckingham was back in Iceland with news of what might be land. Wolfe got to quit his job building ships, and Purple Giraffe filed Green Panda for divorce.
------------------
 

comagoosie

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Wow this AAR gets updated a lot that is what I like. Keep up the good work :)
 

tcnc

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While Buckingham sails with Wolfe's army to the new land he reportedly found, the people of England are getting edgy. A terrible plague has swept the country, and the Queen doesn't seem very interested in doing anything about it.

Crowd: We want treatment! We want treatment!
[the Queen comes to the window]
Queen Jane: For Christ's sake, when will you stop screaming? It's extremely annoying! You're making my husband's hangover headaches worse!
Man: You won't assist us in our time of pain and suffering! Is that a proper thing for a queen to do?
Queen: Yes! There's no bloody cure for the plague!
Crowd: *gasp*
Boy Peasant: The Queen said a bad word!
Man: I honestly expected more from you, your highness!
Queen Jane: Aw sod off!
[King consort Rufus comes to the window]
Rufus: Har there treasure, I just have to get some fresh air. I think I'm going to....... going to.......
Queen Jane: What is it?
[Rufus vomits all over the crowd]
Rufus: Ah, now I feel better.

Now that was very crude and unfunny, wasn't it? Let's get back to the Northern Seas of Iceland. It is January 21st of the new year of 1457. In the midst of this freezing winter, Buckingham's expedition - now carrying George Wolfe's army - has just reached the position he had marked as having land.

Buckingham: This is it, George!
George Wolfe: I don't see any land...
Buckingham: Well, I didn't say I was SURE there was land...
George Wolfe: You twit! You put us on this rotten boat for months to get NOWHERE! You disgust me, Geoffrey! You are a complete moron! You...
Soldier: Hey Wolfe, I think I just saw land.
George Wolfe: Wha - ?
Buckingham: Ah, there it is! It's a shore alright.
George Wolfe: W - well, I'm quite surprised. My apologies, Geoffrey.

[Buckingham pulled up the ships and was among the first men to set foot in the New World]

Buckingham: My friends, welcome to a new continent - America!
Wolfe: Why are you calling it America?
Buckingham: I'm naming it in honor of my former mistress, who died tragically with the french disease.
Soldier: In France it's actually known as the english disease.
Wolfe: And what do you call this particular piece of desert desolate land?
Buckingham: Labrador!
Wolfe: Why?
Buckingham: I used to be a shepherd, you know.
Wolfe: But why call the land 'shepherd' in Portuguese?
Buckingham: What kind of a name for a colony is 'shepherd'?!
Wolfe: Good point.
Buckingham: Will you do the honors, then?
Wolfe: Oh, right. [gets flag] I claim this land in the name of King -
Buckingham: Queen.
Wolfe: ...Jane, of England! [plants flag in ground]
Wolfe: There!
[flag falls down]
Buckingham: You have to dig one of those little holes first. You know? It's like you do in the beach.
Wolfe: Oh right.
Buckingham: Oh well, we can do that later.
Wolfe: So... now what?
Buckingham: You and your men start exploring the area, find out who the natives are, and how civilized they might be.
Wolfe: And what about you?
Buckingham: I'm getting my butt back to Iceland and retiring.
 

unmerged(59077)

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Jul 17, 2006
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mandead said:
How on earth did we invent buggery? :confused:

I thought that was common knowledge? And of course it IS Little England, innit?