This will be a Swedish AAR. I know I should be doing my Danish and CK AARs, but I really want to do something...strange and silly (and hopefully funny), so here is this AAR. I apologise in advance. 
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A Turnip for the Books: A Rather Strange Sweden AAR
A dark tower, in an allotment somewhere, circa 1419
Tommy the Turnip: The Vegetable World Council is now in session (loud cheers). My fellow vegetables, it has come to my attention that certain memebers of our organisation, you know who, have been keeping...secrets from us. (All turn to a certain cowering vegetable).
Phil the Parsnip: Boo!111!one!
Tommy: Yes, quite. Anyway, this secret is one that could have potentially devastating consequences for the VWC. May I ask Steve the Swede to step to the stand!
Steve meekly steps forward as the fellow vegetables throw rotten tomatoes at him.
Tony the Tomato: (angrily) Hey, how would you like it if I threw corpses of your dead around, guys?!
Phil the Parsnip: (mumbling) Hah, tomato, not even a proper vegetable.
Tony: (rising to his feet) I heard that, you wanna take this outside, eh? EH?
Phil: Stupid tomato...
Tommy: Quiet! Anyway, Steve, what do you have to say in your defence?
Steve: I - I (ducks as someone throws a melon).
Tommy: Guys! That's going a bit too far. (murmurs of apology.) Go on, Steve.
Steve: (breaking down) I'm sorry! I didn't realise it was important...
Tommy: Let me get this right, you have your own country, and you didn't think it was important?!
Steve: No, I just didn't think. (breaks down into irreversible sobbing.)
Tommy: Fellow vegetables...
Phil: (quietly) And tomato.
Tommy: ...today is a momentous day. It is quite clear that Steve the Swede cannot be trusted, and so his country, Sweden, shall pass into the collective control of the Vegetable World Council. Finally, we have a vehicle with which we can fulfil our ambitions; to rule the world, and to finally defeat our bitter enemies, the League of Fruit. Vegetables of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your roots!
All: Hurrah!
Phil: Ha, tomatoes. Next they'll be letting cucumbers in...
Steve in happier days
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A Turnip for the Books: A Rather Strange Sweden AAR
Part 1: Cauliflower Ear
The War Room, Stockholm
Tommy the Turnip: Right folks, what do we realistically hope to do with Sweden?
Phil the Parsnip: I know, let’s conquer every province that produces vegetables and liberate our brethren! (silence).
Tony the Tomato: (sarcastically) And which provinces might these be?
Phil: Well, obviously, um, err…grain?
Tommy: Sorry Phil, grain isn’t a vegetable.
Phil: Neither is tomato.
Tony: (menacingly) What did you say?
Tommy: (quickly) Any other suggestions?
Carl the Cauliflower: We could just play it by ear. See what we can grab.
Tommy: Sounds like a plan.
Tony: Better than what Phil suggested, certainly.
Sweden starts by cancelling her vassalisation with Denmark, causing the Danes to promptly annex the Norwegians.
Phil: Hang on, we were vassals?
Tommy: Pay attention, would you?
It is not long before Denmark declares war on Holstein, thus bringing along all their Hanseatic allies. This is the first really important decision for the council.
Phil: I say we dishonour the alliance and declare war on the bastards! They were oppressing us, after all, and Norway is very tempting. Lot’s of fruit (glares meaningfully at Tony) to kill.
Carl: Not much fruit in Norway…
Tony: It would be totally foolish! If you hadn’t noticed there is a very nice centre of trade in Mecklenburg. This is an ideal opportunity to stop illicit vegetable trading in the entire region! The Hanseatic alliance is already at war as well, meaning their armies will be worn out. It’s an unmissable chance!
Tommy: I say we honour our alliance. All in favour, say aye (a loud roar of aye goes up). Right.
Phil: (muttering) Stupid people.
And so Sweden honours the alliance. It lands armies in Estonia and Mecklenburg, and defeats the garrisons in both provinces and begins a siege. After a six month siege Mecklenburg falls, and is annexed into the Kingdom of Sweden.
Phil: Who is the king, by the way?
Carl: It is a lovely chap called Nationalregenter. Top bloke.
Tony: I don’t think that’s a person…
Phil: oh, don’t you just know everything!
Tony: Yeah? Well, at least I’m not a veg supremacist!
Phil: I am not a veg supremacist! I am a legumist.
Tony: Same thing.
Phil: Is not.
Carl: (wailing) Oh please, can’t everyone just shut up! (silence)
Tony: (under his breath) He started it…
Erm, anyway, leadership of the alliance is transferred to the Teutonic Order, who Sweden makes peace for 50 ducats. Tax collectors are promoted in Svealand and Smaland. Elsewhere:
Instead of a Habsburg chin they’ll end up with a cauliflower ear.
And so, the Vegetable World Council have already made their mark on the world. Tommy the Turnip is relaxing in his yacht when he sees a large man approaching.
Man: Greetings, my lord. I am King Nationalregenter, your loyal servant forever.
Tommy:
Phil: See, told you!
Tommy: What the hell are you doing on my yacht?!
Thus, the future looked bright for Sweden. But who knows what tomorrow may bring. Make sure to tune into the next episode of “A Turnip for the books!”
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This AAR is simply radishing!
...uh, good luck...whatever your vegetables' goals are
...uh, good luck...whatever your vegetables' goals are
The vegetables has chose the right contry. GO SWEDEN
Besides are tomatoes not a real vegetable cause it's eateble.
Besides are tomatoes not a real vegetable cause it's eateble.
Veggies of the world unite! Make a compost out of all your enemies from which your own empire will grow.
Some terrifically bad puns...especially with ears. And I'm a legumist? :rofl:
Some terrifically bad puns...especially with ears. And I'm a legumist? :rofl:
Tony's status is not enviable: an outcast to both Fruit and Vegetable alike.
Let's see where this goes... Good luck!
Let's see where this goes... Good luck!
Hajji Giray I, Snake IV, Skarion, coz1, Grundius: Thanks for commenting.
Part 2: War and Peas
The Peace Room, Stockholm
Tommy: Right guys, I'm sure you know the expression, "if we are to prepare for war, we must prepare for-"
Little Voice: Heey, dudes.
Phil: Who said that?
Carl: Maybe it was a...ghost? Aaargh (runs off screaming).
Tony: O...K.
Little Voice: (patiently) Look down. (they look).
Phil: Oh, hi Pete.
Pete the Pea: Hey my good friends! Um, you wouldn't happen to have some pesticide on you, would you? That stuff is like whuzz!
Tommy: Um, no, sorry.
Pete: (forced calm) Right, I'll just go... (runs off) need fix need fix need fix need fix need fix.....
Phil: What a waster.
Tommy: So, as I was saying, now would be a good time to have some...peace, and regain stability.
In July of 1422 the Swedes turned away a foreign drill instructor, and in early 1423 a Tax Collector was promoted in Vastergotland. The annexation of Bremen and Pommern by the Danes was watched wearily by our vegetables, and not long after a fort spontanously appeared in Savolaks.
Phil: (proudly) That was my idea.
Tony: I did hear that the fortification was rather...red. Please tell me that you didn't...
Phil:
Tony: You did? You bastard! I'll kill you!
Tommy: Break it up! Carl, you said you had some important news?
Carl: (solemnly) Indeed I do. Our spies in Copenhagen have found out a horrible, gruesome fact about our ally, the King of Denmark. He is a (choking on the word) vegetarian. (there is an audible gasp. Some members of the council rush out to be sick.)
Tommy: (quietly) Is there a more heinous crime?
In light of this shocking revelation, the Swedish government started an advertising campaign.
So when the Danish envoy came asking Sweden to honour her alliance and go to war with Brandenburg, a big decision had to be made.
Phil: I say we dishonour the alliance and declare war on Denmark. (silence)
Tommy: I agree.
Phil:
Tony:
Everyone
Pete: Give peas a chance. Psst, do you happen to have any pest-
Phil: Bugger off you little freak.
The alliance was dishonoured on that momentous day, and Sweden immediately approached Brandenburg's alliance leader Poland, who happily let them into the alliance. It was war!
The War Room, Stockholm
Phil: Aah, this feels more like it! I think the peace room is simply horrible.
Carl: I rather like it...
Phil: What?! It's pink! Everything is fluffy, and pink!
Tony: (quietly) Some people like pink, you moron.
Phil: I'll hurt you soon, fruit-boy!
Tommy: Okay, so the plan is to send our army in Mecklenburg to besiege Bremen and our army in mainland Sweden to lay siege to Norway.
Pete: Peas, man.
Phil: Sounds like a plan. (to Tommy, quietly) That damn pea is really starting to bug me.
The war progressed well. In February 1426 Bremen was liberated, and in November Holstein fell. The siege in Norway, however, was not going anywhere, and so the army there was moved to besiege Skane, which the military planners (ie me) had somehow forgotten about.o
The Danes had been at war since 1419, and so the strain was starting to show. The threat of peas activists is what caused the Danes to surrender the provinces of Holstein, Bremen, Finnmark and Narvik to Sweden.
A Turnip for the Books: A Rather Strange Sweden AAR
Part 2: War and Peas
The Peace Room, Stockholm
Tommy: Right guys, I'm sure you know the expression, "if we are to prepare for war, we must prepare for-"
Little Voice: Heey, dudes.
Phil: Who said that?
Carl: Maybe it was a...ghost? Aaargh (runs off screaming).
Tony: O...K.
Little Voice: (patiently) Look down. (they look).
Phil: Oh, hi Pete.
Pete the Pea: Hey my good friends! Um, you wouldn't happen to have some pesticide on you, would you? That stuff is like whuzz!
Tommy: Um, no, sorry.
Pete: (forced calm) Right, I'll just go... (runs off) need fix need fix need fix need fix need fix.....
Phil: What a waster.
Tommy: So, as I was saying, now would be a good time to have some...peace, and regain stability.
In July of 1422 the Swedes turned away a foreign drill instructor, and in early 1423 a Tax Collector was promoted in Vastergotland. The annexation of Bremen and Pommern by the Danes was watched wearily by our vegetables, and not long after a fort spontanously appeared in Savolaks.
Phil: (proudly) That was my idea.
Tony: I did hear that the fortification was rather...red. Please tell me that you didn't...
Phil:
Tony: You did? You bastard! I'll kill you!
Tommy: Break it up! Carl, you said you had some important news?
Carl: (solemnly) Indeed I do. Our spies in Copenhagen have found out a horrible, gruesome fact about our ally, the King of Denmark. He is a (choking on the word) vegetarian. (there is an audible gasp. Some members of the council rush out to be sick.)
Tommy: (quietly) Is there a more heinous crime?
Danish expansionism
In light of this shocking revelation, the Swedish government started an advertising campaign.
They say you are what you eat. Do you want to end up looking like the King of Denmark?
Didn't think so.
Didn't think so.
Eat Meat!
So when the Danish envoy came asking Sweden to honour her alliance and go to war with Brandenburg, a big decision had to be made.
Phil: I say we dishonour the alliance and declare war on Denmark. (silence)
Tommy: I agree.
Phil:
Tony:
Everyone
Pete: Give peas a chance. Psst, do you happen to have any pest-
Phil: Bugger off you little freak.
The alliance was dishonoured on that momentous day, and Sweden immediately approached Brandenburg's alliance leader Poland, who happily let them into the alliance. It was war!
The War Room, Stockholm
Phil: Aah, this feels more like it! I think the peace room is simply horrible.
Carl: I rather like it...
Phil: What?! It's pink! Everything is fluffy, and pink!
Tony: (quietly) Some people like pink, you moron.
Phil: I'll hurt you soon, fruit-boy!
Tommy: Okay, so the plan is to send our army in Mecklenburg to besiege Bremen and our army in mainland Sweden to lay siege to Norway.
Pete: Peas, man.
Phil: Sounds like a plan. (to Tommy, quietly) That damn pea is really starting to bug me.
The war progressed well. In February 1426 Bremen was liberated, and in November Holstein fell. The siege in Norway, however, was not going anywhere, and so the army there was moved to besiege Skane, which the military planners (ie me) had somehow forgotten about.
o The Danes had been at war since 1419, and so the strain was starting to show. The threat of peas activists is what caused the Danes to surrender the provinces of Holstein, Bremen, Finnmark and Narvik to Sweden.
In the words of one of the worlds greatest activists for vegetables:
"VEGETABLE RIGHTS AND PEACE!"
I like it. I'll settle back with some potato chips, ketchup and pease porridge and watch the development.
PS As a food historian I feel it is my duty to point out that both potatoes and tomatoes come from the New World. Various other vegetables only become available after 1500-1550. If I were on the VWC I might find that worrying. Oh, off course, the VWC is far more advanced than humans! They must have discovered America eons ago! Heh. Nearly had myself there!
Nice one! DW
edit: dratted tpyos!
"VEGETABLE RIGHTS AND PEACE!"
I like it. I'll settle back with some potato chips, ketchup and pease porridge and watch the development.
PS As a food historian I feel it is my duty to point out that both potatoes and tomatoes come from the New World. Various other vegetables only become available after 1500-1550. If I were on the VWC I might find that worrying. Oh, off course, the VWC is far more advanced than humans! They must have discovered America eons ago! Heh. Nearly had myself there!
Nice one! DW
edit: dratted tpyos!
:rofl: :rofl: The "you are what you eat - eat meat" - thing : simply awesome . Oh, and good job bashing Denmark.
. Oh, and good job bashing Denmark.
Coz1: Things get a bit tougher from here on in...
Ciçatrix: Thanks.
Dead William: Remember that it is the Vegetable World Council, meaning that every vegetable around the world is represented.
Grundius: Glad you liked it.
Jestor: I'm sure a radish will turn up at some point.
3. Lettuce Go Forward Together.
Tommy's Palace
After the war against Denmark Tommy and a few of his friends are relaxing in the palace.
Phil: (singing) We are so good, we are so great, everybody loves us, we are so grea-
There is a timid knock on the door. Pete the Pea appears.
Tommy: What??!
Pete: (drunken mumbling) I got some real bad news for youse. Down in the marketplace where all our merchants do their trade in their merry, veggy way, there was a cruel German selling goods which made our merchants mad, and made me feel sad. Now, about that pest-
Tommy: What were the Germans selling, Pete?
Pete: Oh, yeah, I got an exhibit for you.
He shows them a picture.
Phil: That's...disgusting.
Carl: There are some sick freaks out there.
And that was the end of it, or so they thought. In May an envoy from the Teutonic Order arrived.
Tommy: Hey man, welcome to my abode.
TO Envoy: Whoa, a talking turnip! Hee hee.
Tommy: (smirking) Yes. Ah, I see you have a gift?
TO Envoy: Oh yes. (gets something out of his pocket.)
Tommy: Why thats...oh my god
TO Envoy: (smiling hopefully) This is to show how much we like you.
Tommy: (gritting teeth) Get out!
TO Envoy: What? Don't you like it? (pause) Ooh...right, the whole vegetable thing. (nervous) I think I will just be going, then... (runs)
The War Room
Phil: This is an outrage! We must attack immediately!
Tony: Don't be a fool, our army is a shambles!
Phil: That sounds like traitor talk to me, not surprising from a fruit!
Tommy: Oh shut up, will you? This is such a great insult that it will be legit for two years, so let's bide our time.
Phil and Tony: (sullenly) Fine.
And so, as 1429 came to a close Sweden strengthened her army. Infra level 2 was achieved in February, and by March the army was considered strong enough to go to war against the Teutonic Order. However, it seemed Lithuania had different ideas.
Carl: Muscovy??? Wtf?
Phil: Omfg. They'll, like, totally pwn us.
Carl: Nah, their army is teh suxxor. Roflmao.
Phil: Roflemiaow? What the hell is that meant to mean?
Carl: Never mind. Anyway, they took Livland from Pskov-
Phil: Pskov?
Carl: Yep, so we can try and take that.
Phil: But we're still gonna attack the h4x0rs in Teutonic Order, right?
Carl: They have hacksaws in the Teutonic Order?
Phil: Whatever.
The alliance was honoured, and in May 1430 Sweden declared war on the Teutonic Order, bringing along Prussia and Hannover. The Order barely had an army, but Hannover was a different matter entirely.
Hannover besieged Mecklenburg while a smaller Swedish force laid siege to Oldenburg. An additional bonus to the war effort was the arrival of a decent military leader, a certain Engelbrekt.
Phil: He's not bad, that's for sure, but I've seen better.
Tommy: Oh yeah? Where?
Phil: Um, err...shut up.
Carl: The ability to use him to steal sieges will be useful, that's for sure. (chorus of agreement).
In March Oldenburg fell, and in April and Hannoverian siege of Bremen was lifted. June saw Estland fall, and cheeky Engelbrekt marched to Kurland (TO's only other province) where he stole a siege from the Lithuanians literally the day the Riga fell.
Engelbrekt: Ha ha, in your face Liths!
Peace is made with the TO
The war with Hannover, however, continues, and things are about to get nasty.
Ciçatrix: Thanks.
Dead William: Remember that it is the Vegetable World Council, meaning that every vegetable around the world is represented.
Grundius: Glad you liked it.
Jestor: I'm sure a radish will turn up at some point.
A Turnip for the Books: A Rather Strange Sweden AAR
3. Lettuce Go Forward Together.
Tommy's Palace
After the war against Denmark Tommy and a few of his friends are relaxing in the palace.
Phil: (singing) We are so good, we are so great, everybody loves us, we are so grea-
There is a timid knock on the door. Pete the Pea appears.
Tommy: What??!
Pete: (drunken mumbling) I got some real bad news for youse. Down in the marketplace where all our merchants do their trade in their merry, veggy way, there was a cruel German selling goods which made our merchants mad, and made me feel sad. Now, about that pest-
Tommy: What were the Germans selling, Pete?
Pete: Oh, yeah, I got an exhibit for you.
He shows them a picture.
Phil: That's...disgusting.
Carl: There are some sick freaks out there.
And that was the end of it, or so they thought. In May an envoy from the Teutonic Order arrived.
Tommy: Hey man, welcome to my abode.
TO Envoy: Whoa, a talking turnip! Hee hee.
Tommy: (smirking) Yes. Ah, I see you have a gift?
TO Envoy: Oh yes. (gets something out of his pocket.)
Tommy: Why thats...oh my god
TO Envoy: (smiling hopefully) This is to show how much we like you.
Tommy: (gritting teeth) Get out!
TO Envoy: What? Don't you like it? (pause) Ooh...right, the whole vegetable thing. (nervous) I think I will just be going, then... (runs)
The War Room
Phil: This is an outrage! We must attack immediately!
Tony: Don't be a fool, our army is a shambles!
Phil: That sounds like traitor talk to me, not surprising from a fruit!
Tommy: Oh shut up, will you? This is such a great insult that it will be legit for two years, so let's bide our time.
Phil and Tony: (sullenly) Fine.
And so, as 1429 came to a close Sweden strengthened her army. Infra level 2 was achieved in February, and by March the army was considered strong enough to go to war against the Teutonic Order. However, it seemed Lithuania had different ideas.
Carl: Muscovy??? Wtf?
Phil: Omfg. They'll, like, totally pwn us.
Carl: Nah, their army is teh suxxor. Roflmao.
Phil: Roflemiaow? What the hell is that meant to mean?
Carl:
Never mind. Anyway, they took Livland from Pskov-Phil: Pskov?
Carl: Yep, so we can try and take that.
Phil: But we're still gonna attack the h4x0rs in Teutonic Order, right?
Carl: They have hacksaws in the Teutonic Order?
Phil: Whatever.
The alliance was honoured, and in May 1430 Sweden declared war on the Teutonic Order, bringing along Prussia and Hannover. The Order barely had an army, but Hannover was a different matter entirely.
Hannover besieged Mecklenburg while a smaller Swedish force laid siege to Oldenburg. An additional bonus to the war effort was the arrival of a decent military leader, a certain Engelbrekt.
Phil: He's not bad, that's for sure, but I've seen better.
Tommy: Oh yeah? Where?
Phil: Um, err...shut up.
Carl: The ability to use him to steal sieges will be useful, that's for sure. (chorus of agreement).
In March Oldenburg fell, and in April and Hannoverian siege of Bremen was lifted. June saw Estland fall, and cheeky Engelbrekt marched to Kurland (TO's only other province) where he stole a siege from the Lithuanians literally the day the Riga fell.
Engelbrekt: Ha ha, in your face Liths!
Peace is made with the TO
The war with Hannover, however, continues, and things are about to get nasty.
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Fiftypence said:
Wow those were terrible! But I guess it beets any corny thing I could come up with.coz1 said:
Tsk tsk, falling off form, you obviously meant to say "a radish will turnip at some point".Fiftypence said:
Can't wait to see what's in store when you invade Belgium
Vegetable Rights and Pease!
It seems likely that the Hannoverians will cook up a vegetable compôte. Or possibly turnip surprise.... DW
It seems likely that the Hannoverians will cook up a vegetable compôte. Or possibly turnip surprise.... DW
You did well against the TO. Now I hope you don't mean that bad things are about to happen with Hanover.