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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

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I can't say this is the kind of AAR I'm usually accustomed to following- for one thing I've never seen the random scenario generator before, but really: excellent stuff! The dialogue is hilarious and the game's set-up makes for some intriguing campaigns...

I look forward to more- now destroy that copy-cat White Blob!
 

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There Can Only Be One!
 

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DerKaiser said:
I can't say this is the kind of AAR I'm usually accustomed to following- for one thing I've never seen the random scenario generator before, but really: excellent stuff! The dialogue is hilarious and the game's set-up makes for some intriguing campaigns...

I look forward to more- now destroy that copy-cat White Blob!
I'm doing it, like the AARs I like to read. An excellent example is the terribly odd prussia AAR from Kaixxor. It wasn't easy at the beginning, but I get more and more comfortable with this style.
I don't like these ultra-long narrative AAR too much, I'm more into gameplay and comedy, or really weird scenarios, like this one . But it's a matter of taste.

Next update maybe in 5 or 6 hours. Or tomorrow. Don't know.
 
Last edited:

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The other white country must die! All pretenders to the BWB mantle must be removed! Besides, it makes the map too confusing. ;)
 

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The Blobification Wars Pt.1



The King: Dumbass!
Emperor: Hum?
The King: Big fart-twat! Arsehole!
Emperor: What's wrong with you?
The King: I have tourette. Cockarseshit!
Emperor: No, you don't have tourette. You are just a retard. By the way, why are we at war with Abu Dhabi?
The King: I've talked to the ambassador of Abu Dhabi yesterday...

...the scene fades back to yesterday's evening...
Ambassador of Abu Dhabi: How may I help you?
The King: Stupid fucker ass cock shit bollocks.
Ambassador of Abu Dhabi: What an immense insult! This means war!
The King: We're faster. Cunt.




Emperor: This war should be the most obvious of all. See.



Emperor: You can clearly see, how the front is shifting and the provinces get our colour.



Emperor: Well done! These provinces will never look the same again.
The King: I don't see any difference


Emperor: Propose a them a peace offer, where they have to scede everything, except their capitol and receive humiliation.
The King: They reject.
Emperor: Then leave the 4 provinces in the west to them.
The King: They reject.
Emperor: Then also leave Heilbronn to them.
The King: They reject. Maybe they don't see a change either.

Emperor: Bring the Ambassador here.
...
Ambassador of Abu Dhabi: You requested my presence?
Emperor: Why are you not accepting my peace offers? You've lost the war.
Ambassador of Abu Dhabi: No, we didn't. You haven't captured a single province yet.
Emperor: Of course we did! And we destroyed all of your army.
Ambassador of Abu Dhabi: No, they're on vacation.
Emperor: But we have troops in every corner of your country!
Ambassador of Abu Dhabi: Maybe they are also on vacation. It's nice there in this time of the year.
Emperor: *sigh* Yoda, would you please "convince" him? You can have as many Oreos as you want.
Yoda: Incorruptible in this case, I am not. *does Jedi-Mind-Trick on the Ambassador*





The King: Worst Mind-Trick ever. I could have beaten this peace deal out of him, if I wanted.
Emperor: We will come back later.
Yoda: Oreos, you have promised.
The King: He fooled you. Oreos have not been invented yet.
Yoda: The dark side of the cookie, strong in flavour it is. Yoda, sad he now will be.
 

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"He fooled you, Oreos haven't been invented yet."

:rofl:
 

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Blobification Wars Pt. 2

Emperor: You are the Blob!
The King: You are the right one to say that, fatso!
Emperor: This will be the slogan, to greet the new citizens to my country.
The King: Which new citizens?
Emperor: Take a look at the map.



The King: JEEZ! Could you PLEASE stop marking things with the red pen?
Emperor: But this time, we are better prepared, to conquer these undefended territories!
The King: What kind of preperation do you need, to conquer undefended provinces?
Emperor: This time, we will also invade their defended provinces. Ha!
The King: Pure genius.




Emperor: Quickly, let all our troops attack the capitol first and then spread into the boot.




While we were fighting in the italian boot, rebels had started some trouble in our newly conquered provinces.



Yoda: For not paying Oreos, what you get, this is!

On the other side, the war against Gregoria went very good.





Emperor: That's how it should look like. But without the red lines.



Emperor: Looks like, what we wanted. We accept and take a look at our new shaped beautiful more blobby Blob.




All hail the Blob!
 
Last edited:

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A good thing, all these uncivs around you
 

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Blobification Wars Pt. 3

Ambassador of Japan: なん です か? (nan desu ka?)
The King: He said, your feet smell like buffalo-buttocks.
Emperor: Oh well, yes. My feet are kinda smelly.
Ambassador of Japan: ぶろっぶ は きれい くに です よ! (Blob ha kirei kuni desu yo!)
Emperor: What did he say now?
The King: He said the Blob is full of arseholes and the greatest arsehole ever is their Emperor.
Emperor: How come, your sentence is much longer than his?
The King: It's a weird language.
Emperor: Well then, any last words, Ambassador of weirdo-country?
Ambassador of Japan: あなた は すし が すき ですか? (anata ha sushi ga suki desu ka?)
The King: He said, you are a stupid cunt.
Emperor: What did he say about sushi?
The King: Yeah and that you look like a sushi roll. I wanted to spare the details.
Emperor: Anyway, let's go to war. And make some fresh sushi for Yoda out of this guy. By the way, since when do you speak japanese and what was this guy doing here in the first place?



Emperor: Oh look, our armies are already at their borders. What a coincidence!
The King: Must have something to do with the "Force", or not? Yoda?
Yoda: The work of the Force, this is not.
The King: I felt a tumor in the Force! Yoda, do you have cancer?
Yoda: Tremor, it is called.
The King: Sure? Because I have a feeling, that you could die in any moment from now on.


A very long introduction, but now, there's not much to say about this war. We slaughtered them, but forgot, that they have 3 more provinces somewhere in West Europe, that we couldn't reach yet. So we took all of their prestige and 1 province.




We had saved some cash in the last wars, and promoted a single capitalist POP, because we hoped, that he might also save some cash and build some nice factories and railroads for us. After some years, we found out that we were wrong. Our tariffs and taxes are too high, but we can't afford to lower the taxes for the rich people, because we have like 7% aristocrats. 7% out of ~100 Mio >_<



-> Capitalists suck in the Blob


By the time, our truce with Mecklenburg ran out, so it was time to say hello again. But it was also time, to meet a new friend: The Flanders.

Homer: I hate Flanders!
Emperor: Sorry, we're already full of hate-filled characters, that provide us with simple-minded jokes. And your speaking-colour is also already taken.
Homer: Doh!





The King: *yawns* Another war, decided by brilliant tactic skills and my Horzez.
Emperor: I did everything myself. You were out eating Burgers.
The King: That's why I am the Burger King!

...

*bale of straw rolls through the throne room*

Emperor: Let's just keep going on with the war...




Emperor: Look's like everything works, as planned. We have fortified our position in the Flandern-Province and their capitol is only 2 provinces away.

...when suddenly...



Emperor: What the f...? Why?
The King: Hooray, we have a landborder to the Frenchmen and they are the only ones, that are stupid enough to mess with us.
Emperor: We don't have a land border to them.
The King: Oh of course. Didn't your burgerless plan include the invasion of the Flandern capitol? That's where you got the land border from. And they already start to gather their forces there.



The King: At least this offers now the possibility of making jokes about French.
Emperor: What a huge consolation.
 

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Emperor: Let's finish the war in Mecklenburg fast, take some provinces and everything will be fine.



Emperor: Oh well then, we can just relax a little, because there should be nothing to worry about. Not even the French.



Emperor: What do we have stationed there?
The King: 1 infantry division.
Emperor: Hum, I thought we had more down there?
The King: Nope, you withdrew everything, you genius, to attack Flanders.
Homer: I hate Flanders!
Emperor: Oh look, he switched his speaking-colour.
The King: Eww...can't we push him off into a country, we won't invade for the next 100 years? I don't like him, even though he's yellow.
Emperor: No time at the moment. We can think about him later.
The King: So, what are you going to do in our southern coloblob?
Emperor: First, let our division march into the borderprovince and then set 6 new divisions there. We will show them who's the Blob! And then withdraw our divisions from Flanders, the Frenchies are gathering too much of their divisions there.
Homer: I hate Flanders!
Emperor: You're not helping.






Emperor: At least for now, everything is back under control.



Emperor: Oh of course...
Homer: I hate Flanders!
Emperor: SHUT THE FUCK UP!


That's how Europe looks like at the moment:
yellow: Blob in disguise
white: they think, we are arseholes
red: have the guts to say, that we are arseholes
blue: water (obviously)




Will this be the first real defeat of the Blob?
Is Homer staying in this AAR?
Are the blobby Capitalists completely useless at all?

This and more, in the next episode of...

"All hail the Blob!"
 

VILenin

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Argh! Not only is France in a relatively correct position but they're also doing relatively well! I hope you destroy them utterly in this and future wars. And yes, stupid Flanders! :D
 

Taylor

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Hey, you have claims on the entire UK!

Anyway, in France, the blob has finally found a worthy opponent. But in the end, of course, everyone who dares to resist it will be ruthlessly blobbed (and everyone else too).
 

Davisx3m

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:eek: :D
 

Sarganto

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As we were pulling out of the Flanders-Province, they must have thought "OMG WE WILL NEVAR RECONQUER ZIS! GIEV EM ZE AZORES!!"



Emperor: Are they really THAT stupid?
The King: Who cares? Let's go for Oranje again.
Homer: I hate Flanders!
Emperor: Who would have thought?

As our troops were stretched and needed to fight Paraguay, we accepted a rather lame peace offer from Mecklenburg. But they don't have any prestige anymore, so that's no problem. We will fix that later.



Now we come to the messy part of this war. We tried a landing at Dunkirchen, but the Frenchies brought in fresh troops by ship, so we eventually had to retreat and only engage the Paraguayan territories from one side.





Frenchy: Sacre bleu! We le have gagné la battle! Garcon, bring moi some Champagne!
The King: Just wait, Frogeater. You'll get your piece of this war sooner or later.

We gathered our forces in the south, to crush them with our full force. But this wasn't that easy, because they had +40 divisions down there, using them all at once.



The King: Shheesh, they are only irregulars. Nothing to worry about.



Emperor: A fucking lot of irregulars. I will order the immediate retreat. How's the situation in the south?
The King: Slightly better. They drew almost all their division in the northern province, so we should win this battle.



Emperor: Ok, then reinforce our withdrawn forces from the north and send the half of them down to the south, to decide the battle.
The King: Oh shit, I knew I forgot something.



Emperor: WITHDRAW THEM IMMEDIATELY!!!
The King: Shouting won't help here. Let me handle this.
*immediate retreat is ordered by the King*
The King: Looks like the Parapara guys think, they've already won the war.



Emperor: Forget it, we will take it all.
The King: That's the right attitude.
Yoda: The battle in the south, ended it has!
Emperor: How the hell do you always appear out of nowhere?



Emperor: Ok, now try to surround them in Straßbourg. I don't want any division to escape from there!
The King: Already done.



Emperor: Most excellent... *rubbing his hands*
 

Sarganto

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Emperor: *mounting his horse in front of his army and then riding towards the enemy* THIS...IS....BLOBBAARTAAAA!



The King: Aergh! I am trapped between 20 meter high mountains of dead bodies!



One of the hugest battles in history of the random Earth has been fought and decided the downfall of the Paraguayan reign.
Meanwhile at home, people still think we are arseholes.



Emperor: We have to think of a solution for this problem.
The King: You never should have given them any voting rights in the first place. Now they are angry, because of dumb corrupt politicians.
Emperor: Let's postpone thinking about this until after the war.
The King: By the way, we have a peace offer from Paragay.





Emperor: I think we should rather go for Humilation and some provinces, so we will take bigger bites out of them later.
The King: All I always hear is "later later later". Why not annexing them right away?



We offered Humiliation and sceding Konstanz and Pforzheim. They gladly accepted.



The King: What now? Kick some french asses?
Emperor: We will see....we..will....see...


What will we see?
Will french asses be kicked?
What will be done, regarding the massive revolts?

This and more, in the the next episode :)
 

Taylor

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For France, you will need quite some transports...
 

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The King: Now say, what are we going to do about the Frenchies?
Emperor: We can't do anything for now. We have no real navy yet and without direct landborder, we won't do any good. So let's take the easy way out.



The King: I would say "the boring way out".
Emperor: There are other things to do now.
The King: Like what?
Emperor: Start the Blobification Wars Pt. 4

Blobification Wars Pt. 4



The King: At war with Texas again? I like! Goddamn Redlings! I'll get my sabre...
Emperor: They are not our main target. Hamburg only has -59 Prestige, so we don't have to humiliate them, but instead take whatever we want and they will lose enough prestige, for further cheap wars. I'm a genuis.
The King: Of course....you're not.



Emperor: That's the plan.
The King: And what are we going to do about Texas?
Emperor: Texas? Nothing, they are on the side of the world, that we don't care about.
The King: Wait, isn't my Kingdom on the same side?
Emperor: Eww...umh...oh look! A squirrel!
*Emperor runs out of the throne room*


While Hamburg was conquered easily, problems arose at another place:



*Emperor runs back into the thone room*
Emperor: Why didn't you say, that they declared war on us?
The King: You are the one, who ran away, not me.
Emperor: While this sucks, it's not too fierce. We have an infantry divison there, that can defend our territories, until we send reinforcements.
The King: As long, as the Texans don't interfere. Whoops...



The King: Did I say something?
Emperor: Sheesh, let's just finish Hamburg off and send some troops there. They will see what they get from messing with the Blob!



The King: It's not over yet. More Germans think, they can take a slice out of the blob.
Emperor: Infidels! Guess we have to show them, how the "Anschluss" works the other way round.



Emperor: Who are they anyway?
The King: The ones with the most beautiful colour in the world in the south-east of the Blob. I would have joined them, if they had no red in their flag.



Emperor: Ok, send half of our army down there, load troops into our transports and send them our blobolonies.
The King: Guess it's too late for the troops down there.



Emperor: Hold out brave blobby soldiers! We're coming to rescue you!
The King: And to slay some Texans!
 

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The King: I have good and bad news for you.
Emperor: The bad news first.
The King: All of your soldiers died in combat.
Emperor: Shit...and what's the good news?
The King: I've read in the Vogue, that yellow is the new fashion colour of this summer!




The King: Please don't cry, revenge is near.
Emperor: If you don't shut up, I'll give you revenge in your rear.
The King: That's what I get for sending my elite Horzez?





The King: You will not accept. Why would you?
Emperor: Why wouldn't I? I have no interest in their lands yet.
The King: Did I understand you right? No interest in their lands? You're becoming weaker every day...



Emperor: While you are bashing the Texans out of our blobolonies, we have fully conquered Germany.
The King: Once again, the yellow colour is erased *sigh*
Emperor: Not yet...well not completely.




Germany accepted this peace offer and we are now only at war with Texas. Our main problem is still the high revolt-risk throughout our Blob. Something has to change...something...nobody expected.
 

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Emperor: Maybe we should ask our citizens, why they don't like us.
Yoda: A tremor in the force, I feel.
The King: Oh hi Yoda, back from chemotherapy?



The King: A democracy? A DEMOCRACY?
President, formerly known as Emperor: Shut up.
The King: O M G! ...BWHAHAHAHA OMFG I JUST CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!!
Yoda: Fallen, the empire has.
President: Won't you both shut the fuck up?
The King: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THERE YOU HAVE YOUR DEMO-CRAZY!



After renaming the Emperor into President, militancy was in the decline everywhere in the Blob. Now the blob could turn to its real problems. The blobolonies were still partly occupied by dirty Texans.



We tried to engage them with the troops we had there, but their entrenchements and the mountaineous terrain made it impossible to win this battle. Meanwhile, the Texans started to invade our mainblob:



President: Send our revolt-bashers from the inside. They are not needed anymore.
The King: Aye aye...Mr. President BWAHAHAHAA...!



While the battle in the north was looking good for us, we lost almost all our men in the south.



We retreated immediately and reinforced our troops, as they entered our lands. But the enemy followed our army.



The King: Hey you democrat. There are still revolts in your Blob.
President: Only until they will get used to my new name. Nothing else really changed, but our Slogan "Believe in Change!" is working very good. Soon, there should be no revolt risk left.



President: This time, we are the ones to follow them. And this time, they will have no entrenchements.
The King: My Horzez will hunt them to the last man!

In the north, our 4 divisions killed every single Texan, standing on blobby ground. Although we also took some casualties, but with gaining ~15 Manpower per month and a maximum Manpowerpool above 1000, that's no big deal.

In the south, the second battle of Kozani has begun:



To make a long story short and to complain about the 10-picture-limit, we drove alle the Texans and Cherokee out of our territory.

President: Did he say Cherokee?
The King: Look at the last picture. They are still allied to Texas and sent in an infantry division, probably as an expeditionary force. But now they dropped their disguise.
President: They will pay for that. No one betrays the Blob!
The King: You are the one, wo signed peace with them and said "uuh oohh we don't want their territory!"
President: Blaa blaa I don't care what I said yesterday. Let's make peace with the Texans first and then head on to new old targets. I guess you will like our next enemy.
The King: Yarr ye filthy Oranje, we're coming!




---

After this Update, I want to explain, why I changed to democracy and even made an event for that.
I made a mistake, when I created this scenario. I added too many minority cultures, so that I already have like 100 different cultures in my country and there is obviously not enough work for every of these POPs, so they can't afford anything and so on. The result is and extremely high revolt risk. By switching to democracy with a high plurality, I don't have this problem anymore.

And once again, I want to encourage you to try the new version of the random scenario generator RickRand
Taylor added some really cool features in the last days, so go check it out and try a game.
 
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