A line of true Bastards. An a-historical England AAR
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Velasco, Deus: I profer the hand of greeting and extend a warm welcome to my....new AAR-fodder.
If the server doesn't zonk out, tonight an update! Thanks all for reading. You will be.....rewarded..... by cameo appearances. Be afraid. Be very afraid...
Or not.
If the server doesn't zonk out, tonight an update! Thanks all for reading. You will be.....rewarded..... by cameo appearances. Be afraid. Be very afraid...
Or not.
nice, freaking funny, but if you burn Loon down once more, you will lose a fan (it's personal 
)
)
Gerald The Teen King
The men flowed into the shadows, their grey and brown robes and cloaks, hoses and jerkins melding into the dark of the great tower room at the White Tower, the secondary Palace of the Kings of England. They moved like men accustomed to command, like men expecting to have their commands obeyed. Yet they also moved circumspectly, with the care of important men about illicit business.
Shadowy figure #1: What was he thinking! Gerald named his heir!
Shadowy figure #2: Well, obviously he was deranged in his last weeks.
Shadowy figure #3: Ah, so sad to see such a great king collapse into senility. I will miss him greatly.
Shadowy figure #4: We all will. But now we must find a way to survive the present situation.
Shadowy figure #5: Hoots?
Shadowy figure #6: What?
Sf#1: We must act quickly and decisively! We must grasp the reins of power and control him! And if he turns out badly, other measures must be taken!
Sf#2: Oh? I was thinking more along the lines of getting him to change his name.
SF#3: Yeah, me too.
SF#4: Well, obviously that is the first step. But we should also keep him strictly in hand and make certain he does not make decisions that might adversely affect us.
SF#5: Hoots?
Sf#1: Who let him in here anyway?
Sf#2: He just wandered in. He hasn’t been the same since dad died. Poor sod. Maybe we should kick him, to snap him out of it.
Sf#1: Or maybe put him out of his misery…
Sf#5: Hoots!
Sf#3: Is it me, or is it cold in here?
In the corner of the great hall the cold was even greater.
William-you had better not call me a bastard- the Bastard: Well, here’s a turn-up for the books!
Robert –Even in death I get no peace- de Mowbray: Ayup.
Guy- I conquered more than you did dad, so there!- too recently dead to have been given a name by the chroniclers: Nah, I was expecting this. Just you watch….
Sf#1: So. We are all agreed. Gerald must bend or be broken!
Sf#2: We are? Actually, I think just changing his name will be sufficient. Arthur, or maybe Egbert or Alfred or Eathelred.
Sf#3: What’s with all the Saxon names?
Sf#2: I will have you know Saxon names are all the rage!
Sf#5: Duncan! Hoots!
Sf#1: I say we agree upon a new, adult king and be done with Gerald now! Before he gains a powerbase!
Sf#6: You mean, like good relations with the army or the palace guards, like?
Sf#1: Or the French and German nobles, yes.
Sf#6: Oh, I think you should worry more about the Palace guard…
Sf#1: What? The nobles would be a far greater danger!
Sf#6: Not at this time, brother dear…. Not at this time…. GUARDS!!!
Sf#1: Oh, s#!î
William- do Not, I won’t say this again, right!?, call me bastard- The Bastard: Nice one. I think there may be hope for this boy.
Sf#3: But, but, but….!
Gerald, king of England: Eheheh!!! He said but!!!
William – Right, I warned you!! SMACK!!! -The Bastard: Then again….
The next few years went by in utter peace and quiet. Well, mostly…
GtK: I want to build a castle here!
A royal architect: Yes, your majesty!
GtK: And I want to build an even bigger castle here!
A royal architect: Yes, your majesty!
GtK: And here a really nice palace with a room specially for almost naked girls!! Just like dad told me the infidels had in the east!
Matilda, the kings stepmother: No.
GtK: Awww, mum!
Matilda: I said no!
GtK: But I am the king!
Matilda: No scantily clad women in your palace! And that is final!!
I waited for Gerald to grow up before undertaking anything but building. This allowed me to build up my treasury and the loyalty of the Vassals to recover from the low of the succession.
FaP: Hoots!
GtK: Stand still page! I am practicing my spear throwing!
FaP: HOOTS!!
GtK: Awwww!! You ducked!!
FaP: Aye, joost like yer Da! Anyhoo, the dook o’Champagne hae asked if ye wanna aid him agin’ the count o’ Boulogne, who is revoltin’!
GtK: Are there any cute girls in Boulogne?
Fap: Aye, many pretty brunettes wi’ blue eyes! Many a fien hour did I find succour fra’your da’s hard words in their arms!
GtK: I shall myself lead an army against the evil oath breaker in Boulogne!
Matilda Queen Step Mother: No.
GtK: Awww, Mum!!!
MQM: No, Gerald!! You might catch cold!
GtK: MUM!!!
MQM: Not another word young man! Now go clean up your room!
Some time later. King Gerald was sulking in his room about the unfairness of life and mothers in particular.
FaP: Hoots!
Gerald thrust his foxed copy of The Perfumed Garden beneath the blankets
GtK: How did you get in here? The door is locked!
FaP: Yer Mama gae me the key, lad.
GtK: My stepmother has a key to my room?!
FaP: Aye, has had one for years.
GtK: I must have the locks changed!
FaP: Dinna bother lad! She’ll jus’ command the locksmith to surrender the key on pain o’pain.
GtK: I should have the woman banished!
FaP: Mebbe. Mebbe nae. Opinioons are diveeded, ye ken.
GtK: What do you want anyway?
FaP: Joost wondered if ye wanted to join the Dook o’Frisia in combat agin the ewil vassals who hae abandoned him.
GtK: This is the same madman whom my father refused to aid on a regular basis?
FaP: Aye.
GtK: Are there any pretty women there?
FaP: Aye, but yer Mama won’t lea you go lad!
GtK: Oh. No help then!
FaP: Aye, I thought so!
Time rolled on. King Gerald grew steadily towards young manhood.
FaP: Hoots, hoots, hoots!
King Gerald threw his copy of Maids of Dishonour behind the hearth screen.
GtK: And what exactly is the cause of so much rejoicing?
FaP: The dook o’ Poitou aks if you wan’to aid him agin his ex-vassal, the count o’ Bordeaux!
GtK: Just muster some regiments from lords in the region and take the title. Don’t bother me! I have important work to do.
Farquharson leaves. Gerald returns to Maids if Dishonour. Then he proceeds to Teen Witches of the Languedoc. And of course the seminal: Scottish Hotties! And Gerald grew and grew…
FaP: Hoots!
King Gerald, quickly putting his copy of Jongleusses in his drawer, regrettably dislodging his great collection of Novice Nuns in Trouble : I am beginning to understand why my father disliked you. Don’t you ever knock?
FaP: Aye, I knock heads. Joost discovered maces in Essex too, verra useful!
GtK: Swell. What do you want?
FaP: The Dook of Steiermark, he is your vassal you ‘member?
GtK: Yes? I am not completely stupid. Now what does the noble Wilhelm of Chiemgau want?
FaP: The Dook o’ Toscana hae declared war on him. He would like your aid in defeating said varmint, Gerhardt of Bar.
GtK: Hmmmm. If I take the title and vassals of Gerhardt of Bar, I would have sufficient lands in Italy to claim the title of King of Italy. Let us proceed to Italy!! (Sotto voce: are there any pretty women there?)
MSQM: I HEARD THAT GERALD!!! YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!
GtK: I can’t wait till I hit sixteen….
The war against poor Gerhardt of Bar was over quite swiftly. Gerald already had a claim to the title of Duke of Toscana, Count of Piombino and count of Livorno. He then laid claim to the title King of Italy.
A conversation:
FaP jr: Dad?
FaP: Yes my son?
Fap jr: Why do I have to wear a tartan?
FaP: It is expected of us. We as hereditary annoying Scottish pages must wear the tartan and speak broad scotts. It is expected of us. We must make this sacrifice for the good of our cushy job.
FaP jr: But it itches! And I was taught English, French and Latin in school, but Scottish is really annoying!
FaP: That is why we speak it my son. It is part of the role we have chosen to play.
FaPjr: We? I seem to recall you sort of took it upon yourself!
FaP: Well, yes. But it’s been a pretty good life. If you ignore the frequent torture sessions and thrown spears. And I do think that Scotland will be conquered within the foreseeable future. By that time we must be so annoying to the house of Normandie that we are granted wide lands and mighty titles, merely so they can get rid of us. Now go practice your “Hoots!” They need work.
FaP jr: Yes dad. Hoots, hoots, hootsetie hoots!
Time passed. Gerald was very glad that the Girlie magazine advance had been discovered in Essex. He was not allowed to leave the province, but studied reports assidiously. He calculated and thought and made lists of all the young women.
He planned expansions of buildings and improvements, ordered the preservation of forests, trout rivers, rabbit warrens, carp ponds and many other small but profitable improvements. Gerald turned 16. People waited with bated breath to see if he would become a great leader or fit only for the cocktail bar. They waited. January passed. Februari passed. Gerald had sought enlightenment in the arms of various young women, having turned 16 and all. March passed. April passed. Gerald was still ensconced in the arms of various young ladies. Well, girls anyway. In may his teachers decided they had postponed the awarding of the diploma’s long enough and went to the royal apartments.
Theophilos “Deus Vult!” (Div): Your majesty!
Sigismund, “Mad Math Master” (maths): Your majesty!
Diego de San Angelo Macademia Pistacho Grande de Velasco “Velasco” (PE): GET SOME BALL YOU STUPID NINNY!!!
BBBD “Humble petitioner and part time eunuch”: Umm, Did we come at a bad time?
FaP: Hoots!!
Gerald pushed the two young women in his bed under the blankets. He did not necessarily think that was a bad thing. No action of his could do anything about the disordered state of the room however.
Items of clothing littered the room. And unless Gerald had taken up really strange habits of dress, few of them were his.
GtK: Gentlemen! You have caught me at a busy time! Please leave!
“Deus” My liege, it is high time you graduated! The ceremony will be tomorrow! Please do not be late!
Is-is that a nun’s habit?
GtK: Novice habit. Ummm, yes. I am thinking of setting up a costume museum to stimulate the cloth industry to invent new methods of production! Whispered to the moving bulges under the blankets: Stop doing that, that tickles!!
Deus: Very commendable, Sire!
Velasco: GET SOME NET YOU STUPID NINNY!!!
BBBD: My liege, I have come to inquire about those fifty ducats your father once borrowed of me to fund a necessary brewery inspection tour? That dress seems familiar….
Sigismund: What an intriguing piece of cloth this is.. Look, this kirtle has exactly the same pattern as you page’s skirt!!
FaP: It be called a kilt, ye ken!
Sigismund: Really? And you don’t wear kirtles?
FaP: nae, nae, me daughter Thora wears kirtles!
Sigismund: It would seem she doesn’t, actually, wear her kirtle….
FaP: …..
Velasco: INTO THE FIELD DE NORMANDIE 10!!
BBBD: This looks just like the dress I bought for my Beatrice! Beautiful girl, 16 years old! Wonderful!! Imagine! I buy my wife’s clothes at the same place as the king!!
Velasco: ONTO THE LEATHER!!! MARK YOUR MAN!!!
GtK: Yes. Umm. I will be there. Stop that Beatrice!! Wow!! Oh, do that Thora!!
FaP: …..
BBBD: ……
Deus: Umm. Sigismund, why don’t you help me get these gentlemen out of here….
Velasco: WELL DONE DE NORMANDIE!!! KEEP THEM MOVING!!!!
Sigismund: Oh, shut up!!
There was unhappiness in Essex for some reason or the other in that year…
Gerald did show up at his graduation ceremony. He was accompanied by a number of handsome, pretty even drop dead gorgeous young women. (One might almost call them a bevy..)
The headmaster of the Essex County school for the Seven Liberal arts and World Conquest “King William the Conqueror” at this time was Dr. Petrus Ebbesen.
Petrus Ebbesen: And now we come to the Valedictorian of this year! His most Illustrious Majesty, Gerald, King of England! Gerald is this years only student who, dare I say it, is so informed on matters economical he might be called MIDAS TOUCHED!!! We would like to thank his majesty for his generous donation to our school.… Ummm, your majesty, you might want to do that in a less public place….
King Gerald the Midas Touched
The men flowed into the shadows, their grey and brown robes and cloaks, hoses and jerkins melding into the dark of the great tower room at the White Tower, the secondary Palace of the Kings of England. They moved like men accustomed to command, like men expecting to have their commands obeyed. Yet they also moved circumspectly, with the care of important men about illicit business.
Shadowy figure #1: What was he thinking! Gerald named his heir!
Shadowy figure #2: Well, obviously he was deranged in his last weeks.
Shadowy figure #3: Ah, so sad to see such a great king collapse into senility. I will miss him greatly.
Shadowy figure #4: We all will. But now we must find a way to survive the present situation.
Shadowy figure #5: Hoots?
Shadowy figure #6: What?
Sf#1: We must act quickly and decisively! We must grasp the reins of power and control him! And if he turns out badly, other measures must be taken!
Sf#2: Oh? I was thinking more along the lines of getting him to change his name.
SF#3: Yeah, me too.
SF#4: Well, obviously that is the first step. But we should also keep him strictly in hand and make certain he does not make decisions that might adversely affect us.
SF#5: Hoots?
Sf#1: Who let him in here anyway?
Sf#2: He just wandered in. He hasn’t been the same since dad died. Poor sod. Maybe we should kick him, to snap him out of it.
Sf#1: Or maybe put him out of his misery…
Sf#5: Hoots!
Sf#3: Is it me, or is it cold in here?
In the corner of the great hall the cold was even greater.
William-you had better not call me a bastard- the Bastard: Well, here’s a turn-up for the books!
Robert –Even in death I get no peace- de Mowbray: Ayup.
Guy- I conquered more than you did dad, so there!- too recently dead to have been given a name by the chroniclers: Nah, I was expecting this. Just you watch….
Sf#1: So. We are all agreed. Gerald must bend or be broken!
Sf#2: We are? Actually, I think just changing his name will be sufficient. Arthur, or maybe Egbert or Alfred or Eathelred.
Sf#3: What’s with all the Saxon names?
Sf#2: I will have you know Saxon names are all the rage!
Sf#5: Duncan! Hoots!
Sf#1: I say we agree upon a new, adult king and be done with Gerald now! Before he gains a powerbase!
Sf#6: You mean, like good relations with the army or the palace guards, like?
Sf#1: Or the French and German nobles, yes.
Sf#6: Oh, I think you should worry more about the Palace guard…
Sf#1: What? The nobles would be a far greater danger!
Sf#6: Not at this time, brother dear…. Not at this time…. GUARDS!!!
Sf#1: Oh, s#!î
William- do Not, I won’t say this again, right!?, call me bastard- The Bastard: Nice one. I think there may be hope for this boy.
Sf#3: But, but, but….!
Gerald, king of England: Eheheh!!! He said but!!!
William – Right, I warned you!! SMACK!!! -The Bastard: Then again….
The next few years went by in utter peace and quiet. Well, mostly…
GtK: I want to build a castle here!
A royal architect: Yes, your majesty!
GtK: And I want to build an even bigger castle here!
A royal architect: Yes, your majesty!
GtK: And here a really nice palace with a room specially for almost naked girls!! Just like dad told me the infidels had in the east!
Matilda, the kings stepmother: No.
GtK: Awww, mum!
Matilda: I said no!
GtK: But I am the king!
Matilda: No scantily clad women in your palace! And that is final!!
I waited for Gerald to grow up before undertaking anything but building. This allowed me to build up my treasury and the loyalty of the Vassals to recover from the low of the succession.
FaP: Hoots!
GtK: Stand still page! I am practicing my spear throwing!
FaP: HOOTS!!
GtK: Awwww!! You ducked!!
FaP: Aye, joost like yer Da! Anyhoo, the dook o’Champagne hae asked if ye wanna aid him agin’ the count o’ Boulogne, who is revoltin’!
GtK: Are there any cute girls in Boulogne?
Fap: Aye, many pretty brunettes wi’ blue eyes! Many a fien hour did I find succour fra’your da’s hard words in their arms!
GtK: I shall myself lead an army against the evil oath breaker in Boulogne!
Matilda Queen Step Mother: No.
GtK: Awww, Mum!!!
MQM: No, Gerald!! You might catch cold!
GtK: MUM!!!
MQM: Not another word young man! Now go clean up your room!
Some time later. King Gerald was sulking in his room about the unfairness of life and mothers in particular.
FaP: Hoots!
Gerald thrust his foxed copy of The Perfumed Garden beneath the blankets
GtK: How did you get in here? The door is locked!
FaP: Yer Mama gae me the key, lad.
GtK: My stepmother has a key to my room?!
FaP: Aye, has had one for years.
GtK: I must have the locks changed!
FaP: Dinna bother lad! She’ll jus’ command the locksmith to surrender the key on pain o’pain.
GtK: I should have the woman banished!
FaP: Mebbe. Mebbe nae. Opinioons are diveeded, ye ken.
GtK: What do you want anyway?
FaP: Joost wondered if ye wanted to join the Dook o’Frisia in combat agin the ewil vassals who hae abandoned him.
GtK: This is the same madman whom my father refused to aid on a regular basis?
FaP: Aye.
GtK: Are there any pretty women there?
FaP: Aye, but yer Mama won’t lea you go lad!
GtK: Oh. No help then!
FaP: Aye, I thought so!
Time rolled on. King Gerald grew steadily towards young manhood.
FaP: Hoots, hoots, hoots!
King Gerald threw his copy of Maids of Dishonour behind the hearth screen.
GtK: And what exactly is the cause of so much rejoicing?
FaP: The dook o’ Poitou aks if you wan’to aid him agin his ex-vassal, the count o’ Bordeaux!
GtK: Just muster some regiments from lords in the region and take the title. Don’t bother me! I have important work to do.
Farquharson leaves. Gerald returns to Maids if Dishonour. Then he proceeds to Teen Witches of the Languedoc. And of course the seminal: Scottish Hotties! And Gerald grew and grew…
FaP: Hoots!
King Gerald, quickly putting his copy of Jongleusses in his drawer, regrettably dislodging his great collection of Novice Nuns in Trouble : I am beginning to understand why my father disliked you. Don’t you ever knock?
FaP: Aye, I knock heads. Joost discovered maces in Essex too, verra useful!
GtK: Swell. What do you want?
FaP: The Dook of Steiermark, he is your vassal you ‘member?
GtK: Yes? I am not completely stupid. Now what does the noble Wilhelm of Chiemgau want?
FaP: The Dook o’ Toscana hae declared war on him. He would like your aid in defeating said varmint, Gerhardt of Bar.
GtK: Hmmmm. If I take the title and vassals of Gerhardt of Bar, I would have sufficient lands in Italy to claim the title of King of Italy. Let us proceed to Italy!! (Sotto voce: are there any pretty women there?)
MSQM: I HEARD THAT GERALD!!! YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!
GtK: I can’t wait till I hit sixteen….
The war against poor Gerhardt of Bar was over quite swiftly. Gerald already had a claim to the title of Duke of Toscana, Count of Piombino and count of Livorno. He then laid claim to the title King of Italy.
A conversation:
FaP jr: Dad?
FaP: Yes my son?
Fap jr: Why do I have to wear a tartan?
FaP: It is expected of us. We as hereditary annoying Scottish pages must wear the tartan and speak broad scotts. It is expected of us. We must make this sacrifice for the good of our cushy job.
FaP jr: But it itches! And I was taught English, French and Latin in school, but Scottish is really annoying!
FaP: That is why we speak it my son. It is part of the role we have chosen to play.
FaPjr: We? I seem to recall you sort of took it upon yourself!
FaP: Well, yes. But it’s been a pretty good life. If you ignore the frequent torture sessions and thrown spears. And I do think that Scotland will be conquered within the foreseeable future. By that time we must be so annoying to the house of Normandie that we are granted wide lands and mighty titles, merely so they can get rid of us. Now go practice your “Hoots!” They need work.
FaP jr: Yes dad. Hoots, hoots, hootsetie hoots!
Time passed. Gerald was very glad that the Girlie magazine advance had been discovered in Essex. He was not allowed to leave the province, but studied reports assidiously. He calculated and thought and made lists of all the young women.
He planned expansions of buildings and improvements, ordered the preservation of forests, trout rivers, rabbit warrens, carp ponds and many other small but profitable improvements. Gerald turned 16. People waited with bated breath to see if he would become a great leader or fit only for the cocktail bar. They waited. January passed. Februari passed. Gerald had sought enlightenment in the arms of various young women, having turned 16 and all. March passed. April passed. Gerald was still ensconced in the arms of various young ladies. Well, girls anyway. In may his teachers decided they had postponed the awarding of the diploma’s long enough and went to the royal apartments.
Theophilos “Deus Vult!” (Div): Your majesty!
Sigismund, “Mad Math Master” (maths): Your majesty!
Diego de San Angelo Macademia Pistacho Grande de Velasco “Velasco” (PE): GET SOME BALL YOU STUPID NINNY!!!
BBBD “Humble petitioner and part time eunuch”: Umm, Did we come at a bad time?
FaP: Hoots!!
Gerald pushed the two young women in his bed under the blankets. He did not necessarily think that was a bad thing. No action of his could do anything about the disordered state of the room however.
Items of clothing littered the room. And unless Gerald had taken up really strange habits of dress, few of them were his.
GtK: Gentlemen! You have caught me at a busy time! Please leave!
“Deus” My liege, it is high time you graduated! The ceremony will be tomorrow! Please do not be late!
Is-is that a nun’s habit?
GtK: Novice habit. Ummm, yes. I am thinking of setting up a costume museum to stimulate the cloth industry to invent new methods of production! Whispered to the moving bulges under the blankets: Stop doing that, that tickles!!
Deus: Very commendable, Sire!
Velasco: GET SOME NET YOU STUPID NINNY!!!
BBBD: My liege, I have come to inquire about those fifty ducats your father once borrowed of me to fund a necessary brewery inspection tour? That dress seems familiar….
Sigismund: What an intriguing piece of cloth this is.. Look, this kirtle has exactly the same pattern as you page’s skirt!!
FaP: It be called a kilt, ye ken!
Sigismund: Really? And you don’t wear kirtles?
FaP: nae, nae, me daughter Thora wears kirtles!
Sigismund: It would seem she doesn’t, actually, wear her kirtle….
FaP: …..
Velasco: INTO THE FIELD DE NORMANDIE 10!!
BBBD: This looks just like the dress I bought for my Beatrice! Beautiful girl, 16 years old! Wonderful!! Imagine! I buy my wife’s clothes at the same place as the king!!
Velasco: ONTO THE LEATHER!!! MARK YOUR MAN!!!
GtK: Yes. Umm. I will be there. Stop that Beatrice!! Wow!! Oh, do that Thora!!
FaP: …..
BBBD: ……
Deus: Umm. Sigismund, why don’t you help me get these gentlemen out of here….
Velasco: WELL DONE DE NORMANDIE!!! KEEP THEM MOVING!!!!
Sigismund: Oh, shut up!!
There was unhappiness in Essex for some reason or the other in that year…
Gerald did show up at his graduation ceremony. He was accompanied by a number of handsome, pretty even drop dead gorgeous young women. (One might almost call them a bevy..)
The headmaster of the Essex County school for the Seven Liberal arts and World Conquest “King William the Conqueror” at this time was Dr. Petrus Ebbesen.
Petrus Ebbesen: And now we come to the Valedictorian of this year! His most Illustrious Majesty, Gerald, King of England! Gerald is this years only student who, dare I say it, is so informed on matters economical he might be called MIDAS TOUCHED!!! We would like to thank his majesty for his generous donation to our school.… Ummm, your majesty, you might want to do that in a less public place….
King Gerald the Midas Touched
Ha ha, Gerald as an all-powerful sex maniac. Lets see how many kids he can produce - Im betting 30!
If I wasn't a eunuch I would be really angry! :rofl:
Excellent another great update
Excellent another great update
god will grant him many sons. The force is strong in him. . I taught how to handle the force correctly. England needs a lot of heirs, not like the Àrpad's in Hungary -- a blood of petkillers.
Vivat Angliae!
. I taught how to handle the force correctly. England needs a lot of heirs, not like the Àrpad's in Hungary -- a blood of petkillers.Vivat Angliae!
This is great stuuf! You were really lucky with the education so now you can look forward to even more profits for the next many years. What happens to the revolting counts? Are they brought back to the realm even when you don't help out? Why don't you hand out a few ducal titles to up your prestige in the long term? It seems you will still have more than enough to determine your heir anyway.
Mike von Bek:Gerald a sex maniac? What ever gave you that idea? All powerful. Hmm. I like that thought.....
BBBD: Older husbands should not strictly base their housholds on Le menagiér de Paris
Deus: Actually, Gerals is a pet killer too. I just don't figure it as prominently as Farquharson doe with the Arp'àds. He is my first ruler with the Cruel trait, though. Hope you mind being a Divinity teacher...
Rasmus40: I was lucky with some educations, but it also helps (a lot!!)that I have high-education trait officers in the court with diplomacy skills higher than 7. As well as the buildings. See the excellent faq on education which I think is still quite current: http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?t=156085
As to the revolting counts, I conquer them with the forces of the surrounding still loyal vassals, take their domains in to my own hand (distrain them) and grant them away as soon as a capable man or woman shows up who won't leave it to a foreign potentate. See further in the AAR.
I like to grant ducal titles at least approximately in the region of it's historical location, which often limits my granting said titles out of the family.
Belatedly to the annoying Scottish page: Welcome back! Glad you do not bear a grudge. And I hope that will continue to be the case...
Edit:
The_K: Forgot about you, sorry. I will....consider your request....
All powerful. Hmm. I like that thought.....BBBD: Older husbands should not strictly base their housholds on Le menagiér de Paris
Deus: Actually, Gerals is a pet killer too. I just don't figure it as prominently as Farquharson doe with the Arp'àds. He is my first ruler with the Cruel trait, though. Hope you mind being a Divinity teacher...
Rasmus40: I was lucky with some educations, but it also helps (a lot!!)that I have high-education trait officers in the court with diplomacy skills higher than 7. As well as the buildings. See the excellent faq on education which I think is still quite current: http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?t=156085
As to the revolting counts, I conquer them with the forces of the surrounding still loyal vassals, take their domains in to my own hand (distrain them) and grant them away as soon as a capable man or woman shows up who won't leave it to a foreign potentate. See further in the AAR.
I like to grant ducal titles at least approximately in the region of it's historical location, which often limits my granting said titles out of the family.
Belatedly to the annoying Scottish page: Welcome back! Glad you do not bear a grudge. And I hope that will continue to be the case...
Edit:
The_K: Forgot about you, sorry. I will....consider your request....
Last edited:
Interesting AAR, if a bit different than standard.
But then again, I only seem to read those, keep up the good work!
But then again, I only seem to read those, keep up the good work!
Annoying Scottish page signing in once again - thanks for the welcome back. Actually I've been away again since then, but hopefully still welcome back, even if I say "Hoots" occasionally, which I don't as a matter of fact, except when denying the fact that I say "Hoots" and other exceptional occasions like that, although I do occasionally say "wheech" and "shoogle", but these may not of course be considered as annoying, I don't really know. Anyway, what I'm... eh? What do you mean "shut up you annoying Scottish page"? Are you trying to hint at something??? Well, anyway, I'm enjoying the AAR even if it paints Scottish pages in a tarnished light...
I'll ruin Gerry for you, give hime the I-am-a-god-and-do-as-I-please-disorder. So I do mind being a Divinty teacer
Tonight On Geraldo: I Want To Conquer The World!
A glinting blue pearl of a world. Focus. A town, probably a great city according to it’s inhabitants. Focus. A building of white stone and grey mortar. Focus. A window in the greatest tower of the building, a fortress to the backwards inhabitants of the place. Focus. Enter the window. A bedchamber. The room is in severe disarray. There are articles of clothing strewn about. Important looking papers are lying on chairs and cushions, remnnants of meals litter the place. Foodscraps and drips cover many of the important looking documents. Focus on the great, four posted curtained bed. Movement from under the blankets, thick wool.
A soft, female voice with a slight scottish accent: I have it sir.
A male voice young, strong, vibrant. Good. We will continue.
The blankets are thrown of. Two young women and a young man are revealed. The young women wear severe grey dresses. The young man, muscular and spare, is dressed only in leather trousers.
Thora: That was very naughty, Sir! Teasing poor daddy like that!
Gerald: Hmmph. Consider it a small repayment of an long-standing debt. Complaints from you Beatrice?
Beatrice: No sire. Maybe my semi-eunuch of a husband will realize that merely giving me dresses is not enough to keep me at home.
Gerald: Well, it was unfortunate that his fellow members of the Estates General had so little sense of humour. Anyway, to business!
Thora: I am afraid that your conquests of Boulogne, Bordeaux and the mainland territories of Italy have not done wonders for your reputation
Beatrice: Nor has that little stunt at your school.
Gerald: Hmmpph. They’ll get used to it.
Thora: Oh? Planning some more outings?
Gerald: I might. What news from the continental vassals? More disloyal vassals I suppose?
Beatrice: Actually, yes. The Duke of Burgundy wants to know if you want to aid him against the count of Auvergne, who has revolted against his wise and beneficent rule.
Gerald: The usual procedure. Raise the armies of some of our surrounding vassals. March them in. Conquer the place. Annex it. Find a fitting knight somewhere and give him the title.
Thora: Yes sir.
Beatrice: We don't have any fitting knights, sir. We only have (flips through notebook) Your brothers, who are in prison, a man he thinks has a rightfull claim on the Throne, also in prison...
Gerald: And he'll stay right there! Dad always said that without him we'd be up to our necks in beetmash!
Beatrice: And, of course that drunk who wandered in last night.
Gerald: Is he of noble blood? Off course he'd have to be, the way he drinks! 4637.7 ducats worth of wine in single blooming night! How did he get into the winecellar anyway?
Beatrice: We think he smuggled himself in a barrel, sir. But he is a knight.
Gerald: We'll use him, won't make a difference to the usual lot.
Beatrice:Yes sir. The nobles are worried that you have not yet married and are preying on their daughters.
Gerald: Worried!? Considering the way most of the noble daughters of this realm, I should think they would be immensely safe!
Beatrice and Thora: Ahem!!
Gerald: Remember ladies, you are not of noble birth.
Beatrice and Thora: Hmmph!!
Gerald: Women, I will never understand them…
Auvergne fell. Gerald’s popularity and the loyalty of his vassals both plummeted with the recent addition to the king’s personal demesne. It didn't markedly rise due to the appointment of a new count, since the drunken night who had arrived passed away before he could be named count.
Gerald: THORA!!!
Thora entered, brushing her hair and wearing a severe, form-fitting grey dress.
Thora: Yes?
Gerald: Wfstgglll!!!!!
Thora grabbed a wet towel and slapped Gerald with it a couple of times.
Gerald: Thanks, I needed that. Are there any pagans or infidels nearby whom I might conquer?
Thora: Nearby? No. The nearest infidels live in the east, near Poland.
Gerald: Hmmmm. Quite a distance, but it might be necessary to conquer them and distribute them to some noble morons, thereby increasing my standing in the eyes of the world.
Beatrice entered, wearing a severe grey dress, her hair in a tight knot.
Beatrice: There is a strange man to see you. He speaks with an atrocious accent and wants an audience with you, sire.
Gerald: WFFSTGLLL!!!!
Thora and Beatrice smile at each other. Both reach for a towel.
Gerald: Right. I shall receive him in the throne room of course. How are the forest preservation and the river mill projects going Beatrice?
Beatrice: All going according to plan, sire. There will be trees for the navy for a considerable time to come.
Gerald: Good. Now to deal with this foreign visitor.
The throne room. A row of soldiers lines each wall. Great battle standards hang from the rafters of the great, vaulted and painted room. The broken arms of a hundred captains and nobles hang forlornly on the walls, showing the might of the armies of the house of Normandy. Gerald sits upon the throne.
The ante room. A brooding old man in a kilt looks at a slender man in fine cloth and leather.
FaP: Dinna I kno’ ye?
Michael von Bek (Jr): Ummm. I don’t think so. My grandfather was here during the reign of King Guy the Great.
FaP: Aye, I ‘member him. Strapping big man wi’ a helm wi’ horns on. I shuld warn ye that ye are nae the most popular people aroun’ here, ye Marienbooger Pagans.
MvB (Jr): Ah, I should point out that we are all actually Catholics now, having been converted by the Teutonic Order. And it's Marienbu-r-ger
FaP: Oooohhh… I wouldna mention the Teutonic Order either! They might be more impopular than ye are, ye ken.
MvB (Jr) Oh dear….
The great doors were thrown wide. Made from burnished bronze gathered from the cuirasses of a thousand enemies in Iberia and cast by the finest metalworkers in the Norman Empire, they showed in 24 panels the defeat of King Guy’s innumerable enemies. They were not reassuring to the young man from Marienburg.
King Gerald: Good afternoon.
MvB (Jr) Kneeling.: Greetings Gerald, King of England and France, Germany….
KG: Yes, thank you! Now what do you want?
MvB (Jr): Ummm. We the formerly pagan inhabitants of the glorious Norman empire would like to be re-admitted to the empire.
KG: I see. And how exactly should this take place? The Grand Master of the Teutonic order swears allegiance to me or something?
MvB: Ummm, no he has sworn allegiance to the King of Poland. Which we are not very happy about. So if you could find it in your heart to come and conquer Marienburg again and liberate us from the yoke of the Teutonic Order and the Poles, we would be really grateful….
KG: Oh dear. I am very sorry. I only fight pagans at the moment. So unless you rebel, kick out the Teutonic Order and re-convert to Paganism, I am afraid you lot are on your own. Bye now. Don’t fall down the oubliette!
MvB: Maybe a small, anonymous regiment? Just a little one?
KG: Don’t let the bronze door hit ya!
Mvb: A teensy-weensie tiny little army?
KG: Are you still here? Would you like a tour of the dungeon?
MvB: Leaving right now your majesty!
Some time later. The Royal apartments.
Gerald: I say, Beatrice! That man had an accent just like mine!
Beatrice: Like I said, an atrocious accent!
Gerald: Aarrgh….
A great campaign was started against the pagans of the East. Actually, Gerald called upon some of his vassals armies and at the head of the men of Essex, got into some boats and sailed to the Baltic.
A sailor: Pagan Ahoy!
Gerald the King: Good. Now I can finally get of this tub of sea-sick tin-cans with BO.
A sailor: Whoops! Sorry! That’s the Duke of Flanders, come to join us in our great campaign!
Gerald: Well, that explains why we are still in sight of the cliffs of Dover.
Some time later
A Sailor: Pagan ahoy?
Gerald: Ummm. I may have been mostly paying attention to Aedfridh’s bossom in geography, but isn’t that Denmark?
A sailor: Um… I meant: a page is a boy?
Gerald: Who are you anyway?
A sailor: Karolus Kantecleir van de Kinderen, sire! One of your loyal subjects from the Flemish possessions!
Gerald: Hmmmm. I’d call you that but it’s to long. KKK, doesn’t really seem to fit. Oh well. You’ll just have to be the K then.
The K: Thank you, your majesty, for noticing me!
Gerald: You’re welcome. One more false call and you will be scraping barnacles of the bottom of every ship in the fleet. With your teeth.
The K: Thank you, sire!
Gerald. There are 7000 men in this army. Each ship carries about 25 men and their supplies.
The K: Ummmm…. Can my children take over after my death?
Gerald: Oh, brother….
As the huge fleet sailed passed what was thought to be the coast of Marienburg the army chanted the line Gerald had taught them during the long voyage:
YOU”LL GET NO HELP FROM US MARIENBOOGERS!!!!
Regrettably, due to another miscommunication, they chanted this at Swedish coast. This was not good for relations with the King of Sweden.
The war began. First object was the Tribe of Pruthenians. Gerald’s armies were very successful, but soon news arrived that the Duke of Toulouse wanted his help against the count of Carcassonne. With some cursing Gerald gave instructions that the province be taken and delivered to him.
Gerald’s war went exceptionally well because he used a number of secret weapons. The most important of these were his old Divinity and PE teachers, the sight of whose bickering forms yelling “FOUL PLAY!!! GET SOME NET!!!!” and “NUMBERS 22, VERSES 1-24 and 25!” were sufficient to drive even the most hardened pagan weeping of the field. Regrettably the people of Nürnberg considered this an act of cruelty on Gerald’s part and became less loyal.
The Duke of Steiermark called Gerald a just and God-fearing man for exactly the same reason. And he was willing to back up his words with a good strong sword, so few disagreed.
After a fairly short time the Pruthenians had been defeated and Gerald turned his attention to the Tribe of Curonians. They didn’t last long either, since Gerald employed the mighty Rasmus “Forty with one armpit” De Burgundy. Once again the populace of some province or other considered this an act of wanton cruelty (or cruelty by a wanton). Some dude named Antonio thought it was great though, and proclaimed Gerald Just. He might not have been willing to back it up with arms, but he seemed to have been quite persuasive in any case.
As Gerald enjoyed the climate of the north-eastern Baltic, (rain, cold, sleet, hail, rain and some more cold. Oh, and snow.) as well as the glorious countryside (flat, marsh, hill, forest. As long as it could be covered by rain, sleet, hail, more rain, and of course, snow.) he contemplated the fact that it was time to get married. At the ripe age of 18, the time had come. Indeed. Haha. Maybe in a year or two.
Thora: My liege!
Gerald: Yes Thora?
Thora: A report from your commander, Fulk de Saint Nylan III. He has conquered another poor, pagan, Prussian province. He wants to know what he should do now.
Gerald: Tell him he can now join De Saint Nylan’s Anonymous.
Gerald gathered his armies, knowing he was victorious. It was at this time that the Chief of the Tribe of Curonians offered him a large sum of money (for a poor pagan province) If he would go away and not conquer the last pagan province in his domain. (18 ducats) Since the last province was a ways into the the hinterlands of Rus, Gerald made peace.
Gerald: Heck, it’s only another church worth of piety!
The army returned to England. Once again the men lined the sides to salute Marienburg.
Forewarned, this time they manned the other side of the boats.
“MARIENBOOGERS DON’T KNOW THEIR @$$ FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND!!!”
Regrettably, since the boats were sailing the other way this time, once again Sweden got the full brunt of this verbal assault.
Gerald returned to England to find his officers of state in an uproar.
Gerald: What pray, is going on here?
Eustace de Normandie, formerly a shadowy figure, now a reformed character: We think it is high time that you got married, little brother!
Gerald: Really? And who are we? You and Gilbert? OUR wicked stepmother?
Eustace: Them, and the people who signed these 70.000 postcards….
(Advance gained in Essex: postal service and Advisory Referendums….)
Gerald: Ummm. Bring me the updated guide to the Marriageable Young Women of Europe, would you Eustace?
Eustace: Here you are lil’ bro! The best matches are already marked of.
Gerald: A Von Franken. A Capet. A Welf. A Hohenzollern. Gee. What a wonderful collection of crackpots and depressed morons.
Eustace: But all of very good families!
Gerald: Oh, look! You have even listed the depressed, insane, inbred daughter of the Duke of Lower Lorraine. Who has become a vassal of the King of Galicia? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Eustace: He inherited the Duchy of Bragança from his insane inbred cousin. Oh, by the way, the King of Galicia has a special offer on De Jimenez lassess. If you want any.
Gerald: No. Hmmmm. This looks interesting. The daughter of the Emperor of Byzantium. A bit young at five years old, but nice. Let’s keep her in mind though. Mmmmmhh, what’s this?
Eustace: Ah. Yeldem, daughter of the count of Birlad. Not our class of people Gerald.
Gerald: WWFSTGLL!!!!
Eustace: Stop licking the book Gerald.
Gerald: WFSTGLLELCFFF!!!
Eustace: Yes Gerald, she looks cute in coif and severe grey dress. Oh dear. I thought we had cured you of that. GILBERT!!! BRING THE CLUB WITH NAILS IN IT!!!
Gerald married the girl who looked cute in a coif….
The Girl who looks cute in a Coif
Edit: Yet another typo in a TITLE!!!
A glinting blue pearl of a world. Focus. A town, probably a great city according to it’s inhabitants. Focus. A building of white stone and grey mortar. Focus. A window in the greatest tower of the building, a fortress to the backwards inhabitants of the place. Focus. Enter the window. A bedchamber. The room is in severe disarray. There are articles of clothing strewn about. Important looking papers are lying on chairs and cushions, remnnants of meals litter the place. Foodscraps and drips cover many of the important looking documents. Focus on the great, four posted curtained bed. Movement from under the blankets, thick wool.
A soft, female voice with a slight scottish accent: I have it sir.
A male voice young, strong, vibrant. Good. We will continue.
The blankets are thrown of. Two young women and a young man are revealed. The young women wear severe grey dresses. The young man, muscular and spare, is dressed only in leather trousers.
Thora: That was very naughty, Sir! Teasing poor daddy like that!
Gerald: Hmmph. Consider it a small repayment of an long-standing debt. Complaints from you Beatrice?
Beatrice: No sire. Maybe my semi-eunuch of a husband will realize that merely giving me dresses is not enough to keep me at home.
Gerald: Well, it was unfortunate that his fellow members of the Estates General had so little sense of humour. Anyway, to business!
Thora: I am afraid that your conquests of Boulogne, Bordeaux and the mainland territories of Italy have not done wonders for your reputation
Beatrice: Nor has that little stunt at your school.
Gerald: Hmmpph. They’ll get used to it.
Thora: Oh? Planning some more outings?
Gerald: I might. What news from the continental vassals? More disloyal vassals I suppose?
Beatrice: Actually, yes. The Duke of Burgundy wants to know if you want to aid him against the count of Auvergne, who has revolted against his wise and beneficent rule.
Gerald: The usual procedure. Raise the armies of some of our surrounding vassals. March them in. Conquer the place. Annex it. Find a fitting knight somewhere and give him the title.
Thora: Yes sir.
Beatrice: We don't have any fitting knights, sir. We only have (flips through notebook) Your brothers, who are in prison, a man he thinks has a rightfull claim on the Throne, also in prison...
Gerald: And he'll stay right there! Dad always said that without him we'd be up to our necks in beetmash!
Beatrice: And, of course that drunk who wandered in last night.
Gerald: Is he of noble blood? Off course he'd have to be, the way he drinks! 4637.7 ducats worth of wine in single blooming night! How did he get into the winecellar anyway?
Beatrice: We think he smuggled himself in a barrel, sir. But he is a knight.
Gerald: We'll use him, won't make a difference to the usual lot.
Beatrice:Yes sir. The nobles are worried that you have not yet married and are preying on their daughters.
Gerald: Worried!? Considering the way most of the noble daughters of this realm, I should think they would be immensely safe!
Beatrice and Thora: Ahem!!
Gerald: Remember ladies, you are not of noble birth.
Beatrice and Thora: Hmmph!!
Gerald: Women, I will never understand them…
Auvergne fell. Gerald’s popularity and the loyalty of his vassals both plummeted with the recent addition to the king’s personal demesne. It didn't markedly rise due to the appointment of a new count, since the drunken night who had arrived passed away before he could be named count.
Gerald: THORA!!!
Thora entered, brushing her hair and wearing a severe, form-fitting grey dress.
Thora: Yes?
Gerald: Wfstgglll!!!!!
Thora grabbed a wet towel and slapped Gerald with it a couple of times.
Gerald: Thanks, I needed that. Are there any pagans or infidels nearby whom I might conquer?
Thora: Nearby? No. The nearest infidels live in the east, near Poland.
Gerald: Hmmmm. Quite a distance, but it might be necessary to conquer them and distribute them to some noble morons, thereby increasing my standing in the eyes of the world.
Beatrice entered, wearing a severe grey dress, her hair in a tight knot.
Beatrice: There is a strange man to see you. He speaks with an atrocious accent and wants an audience with you, sire.
Gerald: WFFSTGLLL!!!!
Thora and Beatrice smile at each other. Both reach for a towel.
Gerald: Right. I shall receive him in the throne room of course. How are the forest preservation and the river mill projects going Beatrice?
Beatrice: All going according to plan, sire. There will be trees for the navy for a considerable time to come.
Gerald: Good. Now to deal with this foreign visitor.
The throne room. A row of soldiers lines each wall. Great battle standards hang from the rafters of the great, vaulted and painted room. The broken arms of a hundred captains and nobles hang forlornly on the walls, showing the might of the armies of the house of Normandy. Gerald sits upon the throne.
The ante room. A brooding old man in a kilt looks at a slender man in fine cloth and leather.
FaP: Dinna I kno’ ye?
Michael von Bek (Jr): Ummm. I don’t think so. My grandfather was here during the reign of King Guy the Great.
FaP: Aye, I ‘member him. Strapping big man wi’ a helm wi’ horns on. I shuld warn ye that ye are nae the most popular people aroun’ here, ye Marienbooger Pagans.
MvB (Jr): Ah, I should point out that we are all actually Catholics now, having been converted by the Teutonic Order. And it's Marienbu-r-ger
FaP: Oooohhh… I wouldna mention the Teutonic Order either! They might be more impopular than ye are, ye ken.
MvB (Jr) Oh dear….
The great doors were thrown wide. Made from burnished bronze gathered from the cuirasses of a thousand enemies in Iberia and cast by the finest metalworkers in the Norman Empire, they showed in 24 panels the defeat of King Guy’s innumerable enemies. They were not reassuring to the young man from Marienburg.
King Gerald: Good afternoon.
MvB (Jr) Kneeling.: Greetings Gerald, King of England and France, Germany….
KG: Yes, thank you! Now what do you want?
MvB (Jr): Ummm. We the formerly pagan inhabitants of the glorious Norman empire would like to be re-admitted to the empire.
KG: I see. And how exactly should this take place? The Grand Master of the Teutonic order swears allegiance to me or something?
MvB: Ummm, no he has sworn allegiance to the King of Poland. Which we are not very happy about. So if you could find it in your heart to come and conquer Marienburg again and liberate us from the yoke of the Teutonic Order and the Poles, we would be really grateful….
KG: Oh dear. I am very sorry. I only fight pagans at the moment. So unless you rebel, kick out the Teutonic Order and re-convert to Paganism, I am afraid you lot are on your own. Bye now. Don’t fall down the oubliette!
MvB: Maybe a small, anonymous regiment? Just a little one?
KG: Don’t let the bronze door hit ya!
Mvb: A teensy-weensie tiny little army?
KG: Are you still here? Would you like a tour of the dungeon?
MvB: Leaving right now your majesty!
Some time later. The Royal apartments.
Gerald: I say, Beatrice! That man had an accent just like mine!
Beatrice: Like I said, an atrocious accent!
Gerald: Aarrgh….
A great campaign was started against the pagans of the East. Actually, Gerald called upon some of his vassals armies and at the head of the men of Essex, got into some boats and sailed to the Baltic.
A sailor: Pagan Ahoy!
Gerald the King: Good. Now I can finally get of this tub of sea-sick tin-cans with BO.
A sailor: Whoops! Sorry! That’s the Duke of Flanders, come to join us in our great campaign!
Gerald: Well, that explains why we are still in sight of the cliffs of Dover.
Some time later
A Sailor: Pagan ahoy?
Gerald: Ummm. I may have been mostly paying attention to Aedfridh’s bossom in geography, but isn’t that Denmark?
A sailor: Um… I meant: a page is a boy?
Gerald: Who are you anyway?
A sailor: Karolus Kantecleir van de Kinderen, sire! One of your loyal subjects from the Flemish possessions!
Gerald: Hmmmm. I’d call you that but it’s to long. KKK, doesn’t really seem to fit. Oh well. You’ll just have to be the K then.
The K: Thank you, your majesty, for noticing me!
Gerald: You’re welcome. One more false call and you will be scraping barnacles of the bottom of every ship in the fleet. With your teeth.
The K: Thank you, sire!
Gerald. There are 7000 men in this army. Each ship carries about 25 men and their supplies.
The K: Ummmm…. Can my children take over after my death?
Gerald: Oh, brother….
As the huge fleet sailed passed what was thought to be the coast of Marienburg the army chanted the line Gerald had taught them during the long voyage:
YOU”LL GET NO HELP FROM US MARIENBOOGERS!!!!
Regrettably, due to another miscommunication, they chanted this at Swedish coast. This was not good for relations with the King of Sweden.
The war began. First object was the Tribe of Pruthenians. Gerald’s armies were very successful, but soon news arrived that the Duke of Toulouse wanted his help against the count of Carcassonne. With some cursing Gerald gave instructions that the province be taken and delivered to him.
Gerald’s war went exceptionally well because he used a number of secret weapons. The most important of these were his old Divinity and PE teachers, the sight of whose bickering forms yelling “FOUL PLAY!!! GET SOME NET!!!!” and “NUMBERS 22, VERSES 1-24 and 25!” were sufficient to drive even the most hardened pagan weeping of the field. Regrettably the people of Nürnberg considered this an act of cruelty on Gerald’s part and became less loyal.
The Duke of Steiermark called Gerald a just and God-fearing man for exactly the same reason. And he was willing to back up his words with a good strong sword, so few disagreed.
After a fairly short time the Pruthenians had been defeated and Gerald turned his attention to the Tribe of Curonians. They didn’t last long either, since Gerald employed the mighty Rasmus “Forty with one armpit” De Burgundy. Once again the populace of some province or other considered this an act of wanton cruelty (or cruelty by a wanton). Some dude named Antonio thought it was great though, and proclaimed Gerald Just. He might not have been willing to back it up with arms, but he seemed to have been quite persuasive in any case.
As Gerald enjoyed the climate of the north-eastern Baltic, (rain, cold, sleet, hail, rain and some more cold. Oh, and snow.) as well as the glorious countryside (flat, marsh, hill, forest. As long as it could be covered by rain, sleet, hail, more rain, and of course, snow.) he contemplated the fact that it was time to get married. At the ripe age of 18, the time had come. Indeed. Haha. Maybe in a year or two.
Thora: My liege!
Gerald: Yes Thora?
Thora: A report from your commander, Fulk de Saint Nylan III. He has conquered another poor, pagan, Prussian province. He wants to know what he should do now.
Gerald: Tell him he can now join De Saint Nylan’s Anonymous.
Gerald gathered his armies, knowing he was victorious. It was at this time that the Chief of the Tribe of Curonians offered him a large sum of money (for a poor pagan province) If he would go away and not conquer the last pagan province in his domain. (18 ducats) Since the last province was a ways into the the hinterlands of Rus, Gerald made peace.
Gerald: Heck, it’s only another church worth of piety!
The army returned to England. Once again the men lined the sides to salute Marienburg.
Forewarned, this time they manned the other side of the boats.
“MARIENBOOGERS DON’T KNOW THEIR @$$ FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND!!!”
Regrettably, since the boats were sailing the other way this time, once again Sweden got the full brunt of this verbal assault.
Gerald returned to England to find his officers of state in an uproar.
Gerald: What pray, is going on here?
Eustace de Normandie, formerly a shadowy figure, now a reformed character: We think it is high time that you got married, little brother!
Gerald: Really? And who are we? You and Gilbert? OUR wicked stepmother?
Eustace: Them, and the people who signed these 70.000 postcards….
(Advance gained in Essex: postal service and Advisory Referendums….)
Gerald: Ummm. Bring me the updated guide to the Marriageable Young Women of Europe, would you Eustace?
Eustace: Here you are lil’ bro! The best matches are already marked of.
Gerald: A Von Franken. A Capet. A Welf. A Hohenzollern. Gee. What a wonderful collection of crackpots and depressed morons.
Eustace: But all of very good families!
Gerald: Oh, look! You have even listed the depressed, insane, inbred daughter of the Duke of Lower Lorraine. Who has become a vassal of the King of Galicia? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Eustace: He inherited the Duchy of Bragança from his insane inbred cousin. Oh, by the way, the King of Galicia has a special offer on De Jimenez lassess. If you want any.
Gerald: No. Hmmmm. This looks interesting. The daughter of the Emperor of Byzantium. A bit young at five years old, but nice. Let’s keep her in mind though. Mmmmmhh, what’s this?
Eustace: Ah. Yeldem, daughter of the count of Birlad. Not our class of people Gerald.
Gerald: WWFSTGLL!!!!
Eustace: Stop licking the book Gerald.
Gerald: WFSTGLLELCFFF!!!
Eustace: Yes Gerald, she looks cute in coif and severe grey dress. Oh dear. I thought we had cured you of that. GILBERT!!! BRING THE CLUB WITH NAILS IN IT!!!
Gerald married the girl who looked cute in a coif….
The Girl who looks cute in a Coif
Edit: Yet another typo in a TITLE!!!
Last edited:
Avernite: Welcome! I will see were I can fit you in! And as long as your having fun, eh? Actually, I think my next AAR, should I ever get to it, might be a tad differnt from this one.
Farquharson: I wasn't aware that Scottish pages could be portrayed in a worse light than they already are. But maybe the next generation can do better. Scottish misstresses...
Deus:Ah, a maniac! The de Normandie's know what to do with maniacs!
Well, I am glad people are enjoying this. Post 101 and counting! Second Lieutenant! Wheee!!!
Farquharson: I wasn't aware that Scottish pages could be portrayed in a worse light than they already are. But maybe the next generation can do better. Scottish misstresses...
Deus:Ah, a maniac! The de Normandie's know what to do with maniacs!
Well, I am glad people are enjoying this. Post 101 and counting! Second Lieutenant! Wheee!!!
Bwah ha ha - lets see if we can get a Pecheneg heir to the World Empire!
Good to see the Bek's are no-longer Pagan, though we may still harbor some affection for our dear old Winterfather. Now, about leaving the Bek's under those bloody Teutons...
Good to see the Bek's are no-longer Pagan, though we may still harbor some affection for our dear old Winterfather. Now, about leaving the Bek's under those bloody Teutons...
No need to fit me in, as I'll likely be a damn annoying character bringing ruin to the Kingdom.
Then again, this Kingdom is way too big allready, it could use a little ruin.
And does your King actually have somesort of mental disease in-game, or is it just AAR workings?
Then again, this Kingdom is way too big allready, it could use a little ruin.
And does your King actually have somesort of mental disease in-game, or is it just AAR workings?
<picking barnacle from between teeth> finished sire, can I help you with anything else?
Karolus Kantecleir van de Kinderen...where ever did you get that?? :rofl:
Karolus Kantecleir van de Kinderen...where ever did you get that?? :rofl:
Mike Von Bek: A Pecheneg heir? Over my dead body! Maybe I should rephrase that....
Deus: Technically Jerry is Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Castille and Leon. (The kings of Leon and Castile use the title Emperor from the 10th century onwards, to allow them to control Aragon etc) But the emperor title has all those nasty events as well as that +10 demesne bonus....
The _K: Ummmm...sheer brilliance?
Avernite: Hah! Like none of the others are messing it up allready! Hmmm, now what can do with this? Avernus, Avernïi, so many possibilities....
Edit: to Avernite, no Gerald has no mental illness, it's just the way he's portrayed by me. He does have the Cruel trait, but no mania or even depression. Most of my kings are remarkably robust.
Deus: Technically Jerry is Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Castille and Leon. (The kings of Leon and Castile use the title Emperor from the 10th century onwards, to allow them to control Aragon etc) But the emperor title has all those nasty events as well as that +10 demesne bonus....
The _K: Ummmm...sheer brilliance?
Avernite: Hah! Like none of the others are messing it up allready! Hmmm, now what can do with this? Avernus, Avernïi, so many possibilities....
Edit: to Avernite, no Gerald has no mental illness, it's just the way he's portrayed by me. He does have the Cruel trait, but no mania or even depression. Most of my kings are remarkably robust.
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So robust that they steal eunuchs wives! *waves fist at the king, when he is not looking of course*
With the TO, if you declared war on them and took the land, would they reoccupy it after?
With the TO, if you declared war on them and took the land, would they reoccupy it after?