And so the wait began.
1100
Guy the King:
Anything happen yet?
Robert de Mowbray:
No
1101, januari 6th
GtK:
Anything happen yet?
Robert de Mowbray:
Yes
GtK:
Really? What gives?
RdM:
Your brother Robert thinks you are ruling justly under Feudal law. He has been spreading tales of your greatness and people now perceive you as Just.
GtK:
Well, that’s pretty good. What does he want in return?
RdM: Nothing.
GtK:
Oh, dear. Is he ill?
1101, februari 7th
GtK:
Anything happen yet?
RdM:
No
1101, march 4th
GtK:
Anything happen yet?
RdM:
Yes, Robert really, really thinks you’re a great Guy. You’re Just again.
GtK:
And Europe?
RdM:
No
1101, august 9th
GtK:
I just got this letter from Robert proclaiming how Just I am….
RdM:
Yup. Third one this month.
GtK:
Is he insane?
RdM:
Nope, just he same old, same old.
GtK:
And Europe?
RdM:
Nothing, zilch, nada, niente, rien, niets, nichts.
GtK:
Brilliant plan this.
1101 december 11th
GtK:
Anything happen yet?
RdM:
You have been decla….
GtK:
Besides my Brother declaring that I am just three times these past six months
RdM:
Five times, actually. Nope
GtK:
Sigh.
1102, february 17th
GtK:
Anything Happen yet?
RdM:
Nope.
GtK:
Oh, by the way, did you hear? My four year old half-brother wrestled a great boar in the woods.
RdM:
Dear me. Was he badly mauled?
GtK:
Nope. He wrestled the beast home after beating its brains in. Frightening kid. Really nothing?
RdM:
Really nothing.
GtK:
I’ll go build some more churches then. And breed some more kids.
December 1102:
Anything happen yet?
RdM:
No!
GtK:
Is anything going to happen?
RdM:
No, I mean yes, look I’ll tell you when things get going, ok?
GtK:
All right. No need to bite my head off!
Then the Duke of Steiermark, age 13 and 3/4 sends a message to King Guy
Dear Mr King Guy of England,
My name is Wilhelm von Chiemgau and I am the Duke of Steiermark.
I am a vassal of the King of Germany, but he is a many and God hates him and he has no hair and mommy says he is a nasty man because he would not marry her and if I declare war on him in a few years will you help me fight him?
Yours truly, Willy von Chiemgau, Duke of Steiermark, Steiermark, Germany, Europe, the World, the Milky Way the Universe, aged 13 ¾.
Since the only object of the alliance was to be able to declare war without suffering too badly in the eyes of the world, the proposal to alliance was hastily accepted.
The strategy paid of as Steiermark declared independence and war on the 18th of December 1103.
GtK:
About frigging time, too!
The war began with king Guy shipping himself and his army to the Baltic sea, there to conquer the provinces of Slupsk and Danzig. He also mobilized the armies of the Duke of Normandie and send him out to conquer the province of Saintonge in France, another personal possession of the King of Germany.
The German demesne
GtK: Robert?
RdM: Yes, my liege?
GtK: Who are these masses of unwashed who are watching the siege of Danzig?
RdM: The local population?
GtK: No, the ones over there, on the other side of that weird red line.
RdM: Ah, that would be the Tribe of Prussia.
GtK: And their function in the grand scheme of things is?
RdM: To shout in loud and annoying voices and worship pagan gods, my liege.
GtK: Hmmm. Two provinces, no allies. My four and a half thousand strong army on the border. Robert, I think we’re going to make a detour before we head for Würtemberg.
The battles against the Prussians went well, the main problem being the unfortunate habit of Guy’s men to die of cold and starvation in the inhospitable Prussian countryside. In the meantime Heinrich von Franken made peace with a number of his former vassals, thereby clearing the ground for Guy to really beat him up.
The battles went well...
Würtemberg fell. Heinrich von Franken was led captive before King Guy on January 15th 1105.
Guy the King: Ah, Heinrich. I think I’d like the title of King of Germany.
Heinrich, also the King: OK.
GtK: What? No complaints, no wailing or gnashing of teeth.
HatK: Nope. I’ve only got two vassals left under that title and they hate my guts. Your welcome to the bloody thing. Bye now.
GtK: Umm. Bye.
The master plan to grasp the other two crowns regrettably failed as the duke of Österreich conquered Heinrich’s demesne provinces. Heinrich distrained his loyal vassal, the count of Valais and settled down to rule from there. Matteo Sforza, duke of Milan then conquered Valais and crowned himself King of Burgundy. All this before Guy’s armies had gotten home. The good news was that because Guy had been so restrained in taking control of the titles he had a right to, he was exceedingly well liked. And so all the vassals who had abandoned Heinrich von Franken flocked to Guy’s banner.
A choir of Dukes:
HAIL GUY DE NORMANDIE, KING OF ENGLAND AND GERMANY!!!! LONG MAY HE REIGN AND GLORIOUS HE BE!!!!!
GtK: Bloody hell. Did you practice that for a while or what?
A choir of Dukes: It gave us something to do on the journey from home to London.
GtK: And that corny line was the best you lot could come up with? Oh dear…
A choir of Dukes
In the meantime the Kingdom of France was likewise disintegrating nicely.
GtK: Robert?
RdM: Don’t you have a chancellor or something? The one who is also your wife?
GtK: Yeah, but she’s pregnant again. Any luck with alliances in France?
RdM: As a matter of fact the Duke of Champagne has just asked to become our ally.
GtK: Isn’t that nice.
Enter a page:
Farquharson, a Page:
Hoots, Sassenachs!
GtK:
Didn’t I fire you?
Fap:
Naeboody else woll work far ya, ya Sassenach!
GtK:
Great. Just great. Very well then, what’s the news?
Fap:
Yon idjits o’er in Essex hae diskoovered the great art o’ roadbuilding. It took them some time, ye ken.
GtK:
I’ll say
Fap:
Alsoo they found oot aboo’Chronicle writing. Another Greet Art a’ which we Scott hae known a for many centoories. Just amazing the slowth of ye Sassenachs.
GtK:
Uhuh. Just for the record here; what is a Sassenach?
Fap:
Och, hoots mon, fancy you being a Sassenach and ye not a knowing what you are!
GtK:
Yes. Quite. A Sassenach being?
Fap:
A saxon a’ course
GtK:
Ah. Robert!
RdM:
Yes, my liege?
GtK:
My father was born a?
RdM:
A bastard, my lord.
GtK:
True. But he was of Norman stock, yes?
RdM:
Well, his father was of Norman stock. Your grandmother of course was a peasant wench who caught….
GtK:
Yes! Thank you! And my mother was the daughter of the Count of Flanders?
RdM:
Umm, yes?
GtK:
Which makes me either a Norman or a Fleming. Definitely not a Saxon. I rule over Saxons. I wipe my feet on Saxons. I slap them with big fish. I AM NOT A SAXON!
Fap:
Wha’e’re ya say, Sassenach kingy.
GtK:
Oh, go away! And get me one of those Chronicle writers!
Exeunt Omnes
Januari 1107.
Enter a Chronicle Writer Irving the Somnolent, led by a Scottish page, Farquharson.
ItS:
Are you sure it’s safe?
Fap:
Hoots! The mon is a Barrel o’ laughs! A small barrel, mind ye. Gallon sized, ye ken.
ItS:
Um. Yes. I am a priest though and this family doesn’t like priests!
Fap:
Och, nae! They love the clergy! They scream so nice, ye ken.
ItS:
Oh. Great.
GtK:
Ah. You would be the new Chronicle Writer.
ItS:
Umm, yes your Majesty.
GtK:
Good. Now I expect to read whatever you write what I want you to write. You can begin by writing about the short-lived marriage of my grandfather, the late lamented Robert de Falaise, to his first wife, my father’s mother.
ItS:
Ummm. But they weren’t married
GtK:
I say they were.
ItS:
You…you want me to lie? In an official chronicle!?
GtK:
You can either lie in an official chronicle or lie in a grave. And if I am feeling generous I might let you die first.
ItS:
Yes, your majesty.
GtK:
You may also announce that I am Just. Again
RtM:
And that we are at war with France.
GtK:
Really? Now isn’t that nice?
The English armies had just laid siege to Île de France in March 1107 when a messenger arrived in the Camp.
Fap:
Hoots! Sassenach kingy mon!
GtK:
Oh, great.
Fap:
I hae’ some real bad news far ya laddie.
GtK:
My Major Domo has hired another Scottish page.
Fap:
Nae mon. Yer woman is deid.
GtK:
Deid? She fell in a barrel of dye?
Fap:
Nae, Nae, deid! As in pegged it, snuffed it, kicked the bucket!
GtK:
Ah. Thank you for breaking it to me so gently. And how did she die?
Fap:
While giving birth to your umpth friggin’ bairn, ya great wollop!
GtK:
I see. Thank you. And thanks for your commiseration.
RdM:
Since you are no doubt going to look for a new wife, this might be a good time to start looking for wives for your half-brother Jocelyn the Boar wrestling Martial Maniac.
GtK:
Someone strong and with tusks.
RdM:
Not a problem. We’ll just look among one of the older lines of Nobility.
ItS:
Ummm. Should I be writing this down?
Jocelyn was married to a strong and mighty wife. Purely for his own self-protection Jocelyn proceeded to become a Brilliant Strategist, just like his dad. He was swiftly appointed to the function of Marshall of England
Guy married Julienne de Maçon, the younger sister of Blanche, his late wife. Seeing that Julienne had underdeveloped Diplomacy skills, she was made Steward instead. Which meant Robert de Mowbray was Chancellor again, much to his disgust.
Guess who became Marshall?
The war against France was over quickly and without much pain. On the side of the English at any rate. Thibaut Capet lost his title of King of France to Guty de Normandie and Île de France and Orleans to Henri, Duc de Champagne. Which left him with the titles of Duke of Francia and Orleans as well as the single province Demesne of Bearn as we come to the close of the year 1109.
1109: In other news.
Farquharson, a Scottish Page enter left. Irving the Somnolent enter right.
FaP:
Hoots, mon!
ItS:
What exactly does Hoots mean?
FaP:
Hoots! Hoots means Hoots ye ken!
ItS:
I see. What news?
FaP:
Cecilia de Normandie, the king’s eldest daughter, has gotten hitched to Spymaster Coenred Bacon, to better produce a suitably sneaky heir. The Queen has given birth to a verra promising lad. Verra promisin. Name of Henry. The King was so overjoyed it took him a mere three months to get her up and bulgin’agin. Also Gregory Giffard got Pneumonia.
ItS:
Who got Pneumonia?
FaP:
Gregory Giffard, some useless fop, ye ken.
The year 1110 came around. One of King William’s old courtiers, Mahaut de Salisbury died. The promising Lord Henry of Normandie died in March, much to his father’s disappointment.
In april Alfonso Jiminez, still not dead, declared war on the Sheikdom of Nantes.
GtK:
The Sheikdom of Nantes? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?
Nantes brought it’s ally into the war, the Sheikdom of Tangiers.
GtK:
Robert, are these people going to be a danger? What kind of Ruler is the Sheik of Tangiers? Is he dangerous in combat?
RdM:
He is a bed ridden, severely wounded, ill, 110 year old.
Know thine enemy
GtK:
110 years old. You do realize this war is going to be a public relations nightmare, don’t you?
RdM:
Well, he is an infidel
GtK:
Oh. That’s all right then.
Nantes and Algiers weren’t much of a problem....
Screenies of the current empire will follow. I thought I was kicked out of the server but apparently I wasn't.