• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Dead William

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stnylan said:
With spending liek that he might just win the election on Thursday! ;)

He just might! I lost several schools during my insolvency. And more other improvements than I care to remember. I did not feel the litany of loss would add much, so I omitted it. Phew! :(
 

Dead William

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Rex angliae
Rex Angliae said:
I never did like the Normans. But I guess I asked for it as you said. Another cracking update despite your cruelty.....

All punishments and tortures are completely authentic. (Aren't you happy to know that?! :rofl: ) I seem to have read different chronicles than you have though, mine are more....visceral.

You never know, some of your followers might stage a daring rescue. :D
 

unmerged(33638)

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Gentemen of Parliament and the Estates, his Most Just and Excellent Lord of Christianity, England, France and Germany, has called the estates.

*muted grumbling*

But he has promised us spoils of war with the pagan Emperor of the East, Eunuchs which sounds great, we called all get some of whatever they are.
I praise his name....there what.....they don't have......well.. um at least our King is Just. Lets go to the pub.


Excellent work Dead William :)
 

Dead William

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Of Herbs And Stewed Rabbit. Well, Maybe Not

Royal Occupations

Guy king of England was visiting a school in Essex. His advisor, the duke of Salisbury, had assured him that baby kissing and schoolvisits would improve his image. As he was shaking hands with the dozens of sticky little boys (it was, of course, a public school) Guy was beginning to wonder if all this was worth it for a measly ten points of prestige.

Succesful propaganda happened to us. Also please note Guy still had 6000+ prestige, even after acquiring a claim on the Empire of Byzantium.


As Guy rode into his great capitol at Winchester, he saw the duke of Salisbury, the aged Robert de Mowbray, talking to his chancellor and eldest son Eustace, and his half-brother, Earl-Marshall Jocelyn.



The eldest son




RdM: Ah, Guy. How went the baby-kissing?

Guy dislodged a couple of spittballs from his clothing and hair.

GtK: Dandy, just dandy. What’s all this about, plotting bloody revolution?


RdM: No. Two just ended, in Malaga and Cadiz, but our panel of experts say you are still seen as capable and just and good. Mostly thanks to the baby-kissing thing.



The panel of experts

Marshall Jocelyn de Normandie, B.S. (Briljant strategist not Bull$#*!): Actually a significant change has occurred in Europe.

GtK: Oh? Someone drained the Med?

JdM: No, no. The count of Ancona has attacked and conquered the kingdom of Burgundy.

Guy closed his eyes. Then he opened them. I see. How did that happen?

JdM: Apparently the King of Burgundy granted his son and heir the title and lands of Duke of Milan. Then the count of Ancona got a little bit annoyed with the King of Burgundy and marched against him. Regrettably the King of Burgundy had not the wit to ask for help and his entire personal army of 45 men was butchered horribly. Then Valais was captured and the Count of Ancona crowned himself king of Burgundy.

GtK: Eustace, is my claim still good?

Eustace de Normandie, Chancellor of England: Yes, all ship shape and Bristol fashion.

GtK: Ah. You mean lacking any fortifications and as poor as hell?


Bristol, one of my most improved provinces, ended it with nothing.... I really don't want to think about it :(


Eustace: Ummm. No, much better than that.

GtK: Ah, that’s good then.

FaP: Hoots!!

GtK: Didn’t I grant you leave of absence to raise your children in some far away scottish Island?

FaP: Och aye, but ya seemed so lost an’forlorn an’all, I deceeded ah culd nae abandan ye, ye ken.

GtK: King, not Ken. Well since you are here anyway… What is it?

FaP: Wall, ye ken there’s this dukey you hae, aye?

GtK: Huh?

FaP: The (reads from parchment covered in grease and haggis) Ehrzog of Lower Lorraine. Ye ken?

RdM: Herzog. Duke of Lower Lorraine, one of your German vassals, my liege.

FaP: Arr. Some tongue I dinna unnerstan’anyhoo.

GtK: Indeed. I know just how you feel. And what does this venerable duke want from me, his liege lord? He has proclaimed me Just under the Feudal Law?


FaP: Nae, nae. He wants you to aid him again’his disloyal vassal the coont of Loon.

GtK: He wants my help against a Loon?

RdM: The Count of Loon.

FaP: Aye

GtK: Ummm. How many of his vassals are revolting, actually?

Robert quickly consulted with Eustace

EdM: He still has the bishap, an’the coont of Frisia, and the Coont of Breda, an’the Bishaps o’Sticht of Köln, Kleve and Liege as well as the Bishap o’Mainz.

GtK: Bishap? An’? Coont? o’?

EdM: Ehehe. Sorry, dad. It seems to be catching.

GtK: Urgh.

FaP: Pardon me?

GtK: Once I get you convicted? Not Bloody Likely!

Some haggis fell in thick, viscous globs of the parchment. It hit the ground and crawled away.


I found a picture of haggis. I think I would be banned if I posted it....

GtK: Is that an official document for the archives?

FaP: Aye.

GtK: Well, that’ll give the paleographers something to think about. This duke just inherited? Anything strange about him?

FaP: Aye, a wee lad! An’, nae, he seemed to be a reel nice mon! Might hae been cause o’his tender years, though.

GtK: Oh, very well. We’ll go to war on his behalf. Sheesh.

Some time later. Guys troops, recruited from some French and German domains had captured the County of Loon. The young Duke of Lower Lorraine was coming to visit as Guy was looking glumly at the cracked gates of the castle.

Lorraine, lower, the duke of, : MAD!! MHAUAUAUUAHAHAHAHAH!!! MAD I AM TOTALLY MAD!!

GtK: Pardon?

Lltdo: AND INBRED!!! MAHUAUAUAUHAHAHAH!!!! I AM GOING TO MARRY MY SISTER!!!! SHE IS DEAD!!!! AND DEPRESSED!!!! MHUHAHAHAH!!!!THE SUN WILL NEVER RISE AGAIN!!!!! MHAUAUAUHAHAH!!!!!

GtK: Indeed. Anything else you want to share?

Lltdo: I KILLED MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER!!!! MHUAHASHHHASDFGLLFGGG!!!! COFF, COFF, COFF!!!!

GtK: Pardon?

Lltdo: I STARTED SMOKING TEN YEARS AGO!!!! MHUAUAUHAHAHAHA!!!!

GtK: When you were six? Good grief.

Lltdo: I AM A HERETIC AND EXCOMMUNICATED!!!! MHUAUUAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!

GtK: Ummmm? That’s all?


Lltdo: I AM AN NAÏVE WIREPULLER!!!!! MHAHAHAHAHHAUAUAUHAHAHAH!!!! I AM SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!!!! I HAVE PIMPLES!!!!! I LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! CAN I DATE HER!!!!! LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING< DING A LING, DING A LING!!!!! MHUAUAHAHAHAH!!!!!

GtK: I see.

Lltdo: I LOVE COCKTAILS!!!! MHUAHAHAHAH!!! YOU HAVE A FACE LIKE A BABOON AND A NOSE LIKE SMASHED TOMATOE!!!! I WILL UTTERLY TUOGH YOU UP, YOU MITE, YOU WEED, YOU WET! YOU MUST BE MY GRETE FREIND PEASON!!!! I KILLED HIM TOO!!!! MHUAHAHAHAHAHAH!


GtK: I do believe I joined on the wrong side of this war……





The duke of Lower Lorraine. Anyone ever see anything like this? he became a Kinslayer and excommunicated later on in the game, but he died of pneumonia pretty quickly then


Guy disbanded his vassals regiments, went home and appointed one of his useless courtiers, who happened to be around, count of Loon.

Upon his return, Guy was called to the bedside of his old friend and confidant, Robert de Mowbray, who lay dying, at the advanced age of 86.


Robert de Mowbray: Guy!! I want....ugh, I need you to make me a promise!

GtK: Whatever you want, old friend...

RdM: Your son Ralph killed a servant in a drunken fury. Treat him kindly!

GtK: Ralph. Right. Be kind to Ralph, who killed a servant. Not the Scottsman?

RdM: No, sorry.

GtK: Bugger

RdM: hrrmm. Another promise, ucheheheheheheh..........
HEEEEEWWWWWW!!! Snarrrrrrrfff Achoooo!!!



GtK: If that was your last breath it was pretty loud!

RdM: None of your lip boy! Now, this one's for me:
Don't give my colour to some young whippersnapper who wouldn't know what to do with it.


GtK:What? What do you mean? Rob? Robert! ROB!!!!!

William, the ex king. HULLO ROB!!! LONG TIME NO SEE!!!!

RdM: AARGH!! You nearly gave me heartattack! You shouldn't do that to a dying man!!!

WtexK: Dead man, rob, dead man. So what do you think, how will our boy do on his own?

RdM: The force is strong with him....But there is always... The other....

WtexK: I should bloody well hope so, he's got almost twenty kids!!! Anyway. Let's go get a drink....

Some more years later. 1134 to be precise. The several vassals of the Duke of Lower Lorraine had revolted and conquered their capering liege with clockwork regularity. Guy had distrained him of he title of Duke of Lower Lorraine, but the madman also held the title Duke of Frisia. It figured. When he died, he left his estates to his cousin, who had horrible stats but was at least moderately sane.

After having restored order for ten years, with the help of his ever growing brood of children, Guy decided it was time to get back to something more constructive: WAR!!! he dusted of his claim to the crown of Burgundy.




One of my daughters: High Lord Steward of the Realm

Guy called up some reserves in southern France and Germany, gathering them in Chalons. Then he declared war on the King of Burgundy, who had just granted the title Count of Ancona to his eldest son and heir….

GtK: I say, the Castle!


The King of Burgundy: Ummm, yes?

GtK: I have just defeated your pathetic 134 men in pitched battle, I have five thousand bored French and German troops besieging your castle and I think it would save a lot of time if you just surrendered!

TkoB: Good point, nice point. I will take it under advisement.

GtK: Don’t be too long now, my men are already breaching the walls!

TkoB: Oh, sod!

GtK: Also I have a regiment waiting outside the secret passageway!

TkoB: Oh. Very well, I surrender.

GtK: I want the title King of Burgundy. You can keep the county of Valais, which is poor, looted and basically a pile of rocks.

TkoB: Gee!!! Thanks!!!

GtK: By the way, do you have any marriageable daughters?


TkoB: What? what is that supposed to mean?


GtK: Well, you see, the wife is getting a bit long in the tooth, and I thought I'd start shopping around



The King of Burgundy


There was a small ceremony that year, when Guy was crowned King of Burgundy. The count of Valais chose to remain independent. No doubt he or his children would someday chose to become vassals of the most Christian king in the world….if they wanted to live…..


Fap: Hoots!

Farquharson jr, also a page: Agaga!!

GtK: A baby in a tartan diaper?

Fap: it’s high- ye-genic, ye ken!

GtK: You can’t see the stains?

Fap: Aye, that too.

GtK: Well, what do you want?

Fap: You knoo aboot the Duck o’Lower Lorraine?
GtK: I am somewhat acquainted with him, mhuauahahah.

Fap: Nae, nae, the other one, the one that dinna used to be insane.

GtK: Ah, but who now is?

FaP: Uhuh. He be askin’for yer help agin the evil vassals who have disloyally attacked him.

GtK: Really? he's got some? Amazing. Please tell the Duck I am currently not well disposed to help water fowl. Which of his vassals have, amazingly, rebelled?

Fap: The Bishap of Mainz. Which he used ta be afore he got to be a duck.

GtK: Thank you, goodbye.

Guy waited some more. He claimed the throne of Scotland. He claimed some duchies in Ireland. He thoughtlessly clicked away some messages.

He found out he was at war with El Rif and Snassen when the little bastards conquered Malaga. Apparently he had thoughtlessly come to the aid of some vassal in the middle of a pile of message spam.

He went to raise his armies in Iberia. He conquered the home provinces of the Riffians, the Snassens and decided to make a clean sweep of the whole area. The last province to fall to his armies was Malaga. Oddly enough the Rifians had not mobilized the very sizeable army that Malaga could sustain.

I have really no idea why, almost the whole of the enemy army stood in Malaga while I captured all the North African provinces.

After the fall of Malaga, Guy went home. There his faithfull servant awaited him.

Fap: Oy, Kingy!!

GtK: Oh, great.

Fap: Ye dinna look happy to see me!

GtK: I wonder why….

Fap: I joost thought I’d tell ye, the remainin’ vassals o’

GtK: The duck of Lower Lorrraine have revolted. Yes. I was expecting something of the sort.

Fap: Ah. Not really news then?

GtK: No, not really. Well, maybe that he had vassals left. I thought he had lost Mainz?

Fap: He too'it back. Also his brother died insane. And left him a coonty somewhere or other, which has noo sworn allegiance to ye..

GtK: I see. Thank you. Goodbye

Fap: I’ll be goin’then..

GtK: Splendid, you do that…

1135

Gilbert de Normandie. A son: Dad?

GtK: Yes son?

Gilbert: I just killed a man in a drunken fury. Is that a bad thing to do?

Dad? Why are you banging your head against the wall?


Guys wife Julienne died in august of the year 1137. Guy remarried within three weeks and the wife was pregnant by april 1138.



The New Wife (again) Some years after the marriage


Guy was sitting in his fine aisled hall, waiting for the next course of his meal. A troupe of brightly dressed men and women came in.

GtK: Eustace?

EdN: Yes father?

GtK: Who are those men?

EdN: I don’t know. Umm. They look like Jongleurs.

GtK: Jongleurs?


EdN: Wandering minstrels and jugglers who travel from court to court to entertain the nobles and from city to city to entertain the massess.

GtK: I see. They do know i have a tin ear?

EdN: Well, there’s usualy some nice young wench in tight fitting leather as well.

GtK: Hhhmmpph. Well, call them over.

EdN: You, Jongleurs! Over here, the King would speak with you!

Jongleur#1: Greetings, your Majesty!

GtK: Greetings jugglers!

Jongleur#2: Ummm, we prefer the term Jongleurs, your Majesty.

GtK: Really? I prefer the term “Dungeon Occupant” myself.

Jongleur#1 Kicks jongleur #2: Ah. Um. Ahahah!! Splendid joke!! Ahahah!! Um we were wondering if you might want to become our Patron? You know, pay us some money, we sing songs about you. You pay us some money, we juggle. You pay us some money, we....

GtK: Can leave now. Sing all you want about me, but nowhere near me. But you can leave the girl in the tight leather. Here, have some money.

Some time later….

GtK: I feel considerably less stressful.

EdN: You didn’t feel stressed to begin with.

GtK: Yes, but I am marvellously relaxed now….

EdN: Umm Dad? Since you are very relaxed… I beat this servant to death when I was drunk. Is that a bad thing?

GtK: Was it the Scottish page?

EdN: No

GtK: Then it was a bad thing


A bastard named William was born to Guy and the leather-clad wench, who proceeded to die three months later. The bastard William, not Guy or the wench, though the wench might have died, since nothing is known about her except that she looked good in leather. Which Guy liked. Which says something about Guy. Maybe I should stop talking.


In October 1142, when Matilda was expecting her 5th child, Guy started wondering if he should change the succession laws. Currently the Duke of Poitou was his heir. He did think the elective inheritance system his father had instituted had something to recommend it though. (One thing was it had allowed him to rise to the throne. This was a major point in its favour if you asked Guy) After some considerable thought, he decided to call his family together to announce his heir. As a preparation, he distrained the three year old Magistrate of Genoa of the title of Genoa.

GtK: OK!!! CAN EVERYBODY HEAR ME? SILENCE IN THE BACK!! THANK YOU!!!! NOW YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I CALLED YOU ALL HERE TODAY!!!! I HAVE DECIDED TO NAME MY HEIR!!! EDWARD!! STOP PINCHING YOUR SISTER!!! YES, I SAW THAT!!! I HEARD THAT TOO YOUNG MAN!!! NONE OF YOUR LIP OR YOU WILL FEEL THE BACK OF MY HAND!!!! ADELAIDE!!!STOP TORTURING MY SCOTTISH PAGE!!! HE IS NOT A PET!!!....ON SECOND THOUGHT, PRAY CONTINUE TORTURING MY SCOTTISH PAGE!!! NOW!!!! MY HEIR WILL BE…

Drum roll….

Eustace looks around with confidence

Drum roll…

Jocelyn, aging half brother to the king, looks around in a calculating fashion

Drum roll….

Gilbert thoughtfully loosens his dagger and stands with his back to a pillar

Drum roll…..

ON THIS DAY, THE 17th OF SEPTEMBER 1142 I CHOOSE AS MY HEIR….. MY FOURTEEN YEAR OLD YOUNGEST SON GERALD!! HE WILL BE COUNT OF GENOA AND DUKE OF PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING!!!!


Stony silence…. Birds tweet…



Duke Gerald of Alexandria

October 20th, 1142

Guy settled down on his throne, in his great hall with a large plate of chicken legs. The hall was full of his servants, his children and his wealth. He started eating. A hand reached for one of his drumsticks and Guy heard a chomping sound.
Another hand reached down and Guy heard another chomping sound.

A somewhat familiar voice spoke, as if hindered by a mouthful of chicken:

That was just in the nick of time, boy!

GtK: What!! Who are you!! How dare you eat of my plate…

WtexK: Hello Guy. You did well. Remember Rob? Rob stop stuffing your face and help the boy up. It’s high time we left….

Three left were two entered, leaving behinda hall filled with furious voices and a realm in the hands of a minor...



The Inheritance
 

Dead William

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A Note On Reloads

Those of you wondering about the high end educations of my kids: You should see the other fifteen.... :D Though since the initial scores are usaully quite good these days, even then they're not too bad...
 

Mike von Bek

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Gerald? You cant have a King Gerald! Its not right... think of all the bloody Geraldton's he'll found! We Pagan subjects of the crown demand a more fearsome and noble Kingly name! Like Mantooth Bearstomper, or Kevin.
 

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Gerald, is that a king or a tax accountant. BOOOO! We want a recount!
 

stnylan

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Excellently funny.
 

Dead William

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May the force be with me, please

Well, some explanations:
(not that anyone wants them, but hey, it's my AAR :rofl: )

Why Gerald?

Because I dislike any tampering with the save games, even one to change a name. If it fits the AAR though, I might change it. Besides, I've thought of tons of bad jokes about it! :D

Is the force with him?

I hope so, he still has to gain his finished education trait and things might get hectic if he becomes an Amateurish Pettifogger..... :eek:

Why did I send him to a foreign court instead of raising him myself?

Because in several games I have noticed that heirs when left on their own often develop interesting supportive traits. Like Wise. Which seldom seems to work for those I raise in my court.

Why didn't I go Semi Salic?

Because that would devolve the kingdom upon the heirs of Stephen, count of Biskra. Stephen was Guy's first born, and had very decent stats and was a silver tongue. But he died very young, as has his son. His grandson is married to a gorgon and has the stats of a dead weasel. The kids are worse.

Why not leave the kingdom to an adult heir?

I was planning to...I thought Guy might live a bit longer. If Gerald's education had been...unsatisfactory, well, there are ways of dealing with that...
And Gerald does have nice base stats. Not all above ten, but still, pretty good.

Did I kill of Guy?

Heck no! As a matter of fact when he died I felt a distinct chill. I saved and killed him of to see what would have happened if he had died without my appointing a nice heir, the representative of one of the Senior lines would have become my character, in this case the duke of Morocco. I think elective works through that as well.


CONTEST!!!

Part of the text of the Mad Duke of Lower Lorraine is from an existing fictional character. The first person who identifies this fictional character can have a cameo, or nominate another for a cameo appearance of no danger whatsoever, and maybe some glory.... ;)

DW
 

Dead William

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Now Continuing play....

I had stopped to catch up with my AAR. (Well, stopped playing this particular game, I did play Rodrigo de Vivar and have started the County of Rus in mr capiatlist's Mega campaign) I shall now continue with England. Keep all available apendages crossed until Gerald comes of age....

Wish me luck!

Sniff, I will miss those 18776 points of piety.....
 

Dead William

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Chiz, Chiz

Mike von Bek said:
I dare not speak the contest characters name - for lo, it is Unspeakable! Fule!

Well, it seems we have a winner. And I think I know how to bring him back...
:D
 

Farquharson

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Well, here comes that annoying Scottish page back again, hoots, ye ken! I think King Gerald will make a wonderful ruler, just as long as he keeps the Scottish page in his pay. Without torturing him. Too much. Great stuff, as always! :D
 

Dead William

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Farquharson said:
Well, here comes that annoying Scottish page back again, hoots, ye ken! I think King Gerald will make a wonderful ruler, just as long as he keeps the Scottish page in his pay. Without torturing him. Too much. Great stuff, as always! :D

Well, I hope to be able to make a true update sometime on thursday and maybe another in the weekend. but first:
 

Dead William

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In Memoriam

IN MEMORIAM

Guy de Normandie, King of England Born 1070 died 1143. Reigned 1099 to 1143

At death: 718 prestige, 18735 piety

An energetic, honest man, though prone to immoderate vengeance, especially against his Scottish page. Respected for his honesty. ("Man is your wife ugly!") Greatly respected for his just decisions in court. ("Just cut the kid in half, each pays half the funeral costs, end of the matter. Believe me it will save money in the end") A true and worshipful Christian, a master Theologian and a mighty crusader. ("It says in the bible I must kill you, though I will pray for your soul. By the way, how much is your land worth, infidel?")

Married four times. Sometimes mourned them as long as five days before getting of a new proposal.

More kids than you can shake a stick at:

Teresa de Bragança 1070 to 1095: five offspring. Eldest son Stephen, count of Biskra. Heir under Semi salic died young, broke vassalization, (still remains outside of my realm) was declared a bastard.

Blanche de Maçon: 1083-1108 : 5 offspring

Julienne de Maçon: 1091-1137 8 offspring Gerald is the eldest son of this marriage.

Matilda de Cornouaille: 1121- 5 offspring

1 bastard child. 1 SINGLE BASTARD IN HIS ENTIRE REIGN OF 43 YEARS!!!

24 total offspring, 18 living at the time of the accession of Gerald.


Conquered the Holy Roman Empire, France, the Kingdom of Burgundy, the Kingdom of Egypt, the Kingdom of Mauretania. Large possessions in Iberia and North Africa, Liberated Jerusalem for the second time, liberated Palermo. Choked on a chicken bone.


WE WILL NOT SEE HIS LIKE AGAIN!!!

(Deo Volente...)


Edited typo in the title :D
 
Last edited:

unmerged(33638)

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Guy, well there are worse ways to go than choking on a chicken bone, not many more wussy ways, but then what do you expect from a bloke named Guy.