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Lt. General
Dec 27, 2000
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Part 1
Bit of a delay getting this part out, I’m away on business so I can’t update the web site yet, hopefully I’ll be back this week to post the screenshots.
Enjoy…

The Spanish have an enormous force in Hainault of around 70,000 men, and I order our Paris field army to intercept them before they can begin causing mischief. In Italy the sound of French guns roar for the first time in fifty years in Genoa. We take 21,000 infantry and 4,000 cavalry against their 21,000 infantry, and although the battle is closer than I had hoped, we hold the field, and a few days later the siege force arrives. The Spanish Army of Hainault eludes my patrols, and disappears from sight as we lose contact with them. The last reports had them moving south. All my allies throw themselves at Helvetia, but that province is impregnable, thanks in part to our gifts.

On Christmas day we receive an unwanted present, the reports of 100,000 Germans heading for Milan. Although reinforcements are heading there, it will be a delicate question of timing to see who arrives first. Another Spanish army sieges Apulia, but the fortress there is impregnable. I leave them to rot, not having the resources to fight on another front. There are skirmishes between English and French colonial armies in Canada, but the tiny forces means that our technical edge is heightened and we see off all attacks.

On New Years Day 1604 the first encounters with the Iroquois occurs simultaneously in Adirondack and Niagra, we are victorious but have to wait until scattered detachments catch the main force, before pressing on the other English colonies. My invasion fleet reaches Dogger Bank, but as the troops are about to disembark an English fleet sends ours running back to the Channel. The Battle of Milan begins in small fashion, our 6,000 foot, 3,00 horse and 28 guns face the first Austrian force of 5,000 infantry, 19,000 cavalry and 96 guns. No one could have predicted what would happen to the city, or the armies there. In what can only be described as a Rennaisance Stalingrad, the battles rage for four months as a stream of French and German reinforcements continously arrive. The balance of the war hangs on Milan, as one of us is going to be without an army when it is finished.

In America, England makes a counter attack in Niagra. Fortunately for us, the English force is made up of the 2nd batalion of the 78 regiment of foot; The Royal Kamakaze Highlanders. Though their ranks have been thinned from training, the enemy siezes the opportunity to jump en mass into the falls, and we hold on to what will surely become a former English colony, if we can only get across the channel.

While the Austrian war depends on Milan, the English war depends on the ability of our navy to get troops into Kent before the English fleet arrives. On February 3rd the landing is complete, but I don’t have enough soldiers to cover the fortress and move to London, so I order the entire force to London, and hopefully to forage food from somewhere.

On April 10th the Milan conflict is over. We have held the city, and turned back an estimated 140,000 enemy troops from every nation arrayed against us. Unfortunately, our own army has suffered terribly, every reserve from the area was thrown into battle en mass, the enemy has been turned back from the gates, but the mighty French army has dropped to Cyranaican proportions. I have just enough men left alive to head to Tyrol, if we can storm the city before winter then there is a chance of ending the war quickly. The treasury is empty, and most of the money lies buried in mass graves outside the city of Milan. I should have retreated and let them try a siege, but some stubborn streak took a hold and threw men and horse into the city whether they we trained or not. However, if we are exhausted from the battle, then we must have destroyed the enemy completely.

Apparently, the enemy still has some strength left as they turn our siege force out of Tyrol, fortunately the Tuscans arrived and forced the German coalition to retreat. I send the siege force back as soon as they arrive in Milan, it’s a gamble as their moral is broken, but surely the enemy is worn down by this more than us. Again, I miscalculate, this time the Spaniards assault Gerona, and a combined Spanish and Austrian force sieges Modena. The Savoyans have no more men left, they all died a slow death in Helvetia so I send in the last two armies I have left to raise the sieges. We drive the Spanish back from Gerona and save the Savoyan city, but we are routed in Modena. Again, I don’t wait for the morale of that force to improve, and I send them straight back to Modena. With so many enemies against us, our only hope is to outspend them, so I have to ignore casualties and try and lift the siege before the city falls.

On June 26th Anglia falls again, and England makes an immediate offer of peace. The colony of Oshawa, and the colonial cities in Niagra and Detroit. I hurridly sign the peace, and send the fleet to England to pick up the starving remnants of the siege force. I want to get them to Hainault to prevent Spanish reinforcements being raised there. We raise the siege of Gerona on the third attempt, and though we see off a counter attack in Tyrol, we fail to storm the city, and winter approaches. I send a fresh batch of recruits from Milan to Tyrol and order an assault as soon as possible, I just hope those men train on the march.

By September 4th we have exhausted 2000 francs from the treasury, and I consider taking a loan. We have lost more men in this last year than in the previous 100, and even more bad news is that though backed with Tuscan reinforcements we assault and fail to capture Tyrol. The conservatives at council want to end the war now with a white peace, we have no leaders, our army is a shambles, our allies have no armies left in the field and we have an opportunity to accept Austria’s offer of a white peace. I leave the room to decide, but the greedy, reckless gambler in me wants to take Tyrol in case we ever go war again. A good fortress there will save us having to fight any field battles in Italy, and prevent our wealthiest province from being looted. I take the peace proposal and scribble “Nuts!” on it, and order it to be delivered to the Austrian attache. Unfortunately, my Bastogne reference results in 100 wieght of spiced chesnuts being delivered to my personal quarters along with the Austrian delegate whos asks if we wouldn’t kindly mind vacating Tyrol. I explain that my answer was not a demand, but a refusal so the war goes on, and I have some attendants deliver the “peace dividend” back to the Austrian consulate.

On November 14th the gods are smiling, as the gamble appears to have paid off, we capture Tyrol, and I send reinforcements to Austria to prepare for the siege of Salzburg. This war has become an obsession, we have lost 100,000 soldiers so far, and I intend to either collect on that human payment, or watch the French Empire break up trying. By January 24th we are in Saltzburg, and I order the army to siege, not assault. Another Spanish army arrive in Modena, so I send the remnants of what was three French field armies, but now totals only 18,000 men to try and lift the siege. On February 26th the Spanish are driven back into the sea, and the city is saved. Hopefully the citizens will show their gratitude by naming their first born children after me, because we gain absolutely no gratitude from the Tuscan government. When Hainault falls on March 12th I realize that finally, the meat grinder of battle and attrition has destroyed our enemies. They have no money, or men to fight. The first offer of peace arrives from Austria, they offer Tyrol, and my assistants gleefully prepare for another victory parade. It is then I realize that I have become more and more French, I say Non, and counter with a request for Tyrol and 500 francs. I know they can’t pay us 50 sous, but the principle is at stake. A humiliation of Austria before us will be warning for the rest of Europe to stay out of French and Italian affairs.
 

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Part 2
The year continues, with our one surviving siege force in Salzburg, and our mighty army of 20,000 men sitting in Milan, no doubt still digging graves. Despite the best efforts of councillors here to have me bound and gagged before the Austrian peace offers arrive, I manage a muffled “non” each time. Our army arrives in Vienna on May 26th 1606. We could lay siege and probably have it in the bag before years end and then dictate the peace, but again, something in me won’t accept the simple way. I order the assault and destruction of Vienna. By June 1st the fires in Vienna still burn, our army looted and destroyed almost every building after a bitter assault. Compared with the ferocity with which we have destoyed Vienna, the citizens of Madrid should count themselves lucky that their ordeal only lasted a week. When the last vestiges of a city lay in ruins I feel that I have done enough. The army is withdrawn to Milan and we will sit and wait for peace in the New Year. Savoy manages to get 250 marks from Austria, for what I don’t know, perhaps the Austrians asked them to mediate in the peace negotiations, as I have so far refused to listen to any offers from the Emperor.

Now that the war is for all intent over, the business of the Kingdom must continue. Bavaria offers a white peace, and we accept, cementing a Royal marriage at the same time. I also ship off a child to Baden who’s concerned ambassador knows better than to ask when we will make peace with Austria. Then it strikes me, what better place to dictate the terms of peace than in the province of Emilia, and in particular a small castle on the outskirts of Canossa. The irony is not lost on our King, who happens to be Henry IV. He loves the idea, and preparations are made for the personal humiliation of the Emperor. In November, the final measures are put in place, our demands are Tyrol and 1000 francs, but that is just the dressing. The real enjoyment comes from the Holy Roman Emperor standing in the snow for three days outside Canossa. On January 28th 1607, exactly 530 years to the day since Henry IV, the then Holy Roman Emperor performed the same penance for Pope Gregory VII. With the drama over, and members of the courts of Europe present to witness the historic scene our victory is complete. It’s not often that you get the chance to perform historical symmetry but we are all proud of that one, and aren’t too bothered about being stiffed for the money.

I decide that we and our allies need a quick influx of cash, so I order all the monthly income to be deposited in the treasury. Inflation has been almost non-existent, and a couple of years of this will help us to rebuild. I ship money around the allies, and a little to Helvetia as that is the new object of my desire, if only to save the Savoyan and Lorraine army from dying there during the next war. A year later, Spain pays the price of their losses in France with a civil war that they cannot supress. Pehaps there is justice after all. I send a newly raised army to occupy Tyrol, and then decide to reward the survivors of the Austrian sieges and the defense of Milan. Every officer and man is give title to lands in New France, they are discharged from the army after a victory parade through Paris. Though it’s customary to reward officers in this way, my treatment of the enlisted men raises eyebrows in Paris, though those who witnessed the rage and vengence I wraught upon Austria wisely keep their thoughts to themselves.

Our military college has learnt much from the war, apart from several revolutionary methods of digging mass graves, and the knowledge that pidgeon makes a splendid supper when out of supply in Anglia, in 1610 a new breakthrough is made with the invention of the bayonet. We also have a new style of fortress, so I order upgrades to the Italian cities, and Paris. In May all the excitement has proved too much, the King dies and again we have a female Medici running things. Although we did not expand as in the reign of Francis, or the regency years, Henry IV may have ruled the most glorious chapter of France. We have sponsored arts and culture, industry and farming, created a colonial nation, and when faced with war from all sides humbled and humiliated our enemies. The King lies in state a full week with crowds filing past the open casket, before the threat of plague and diasese forces me to bury, the now slightly greenish King in Rheims.

With a great deal of sadness, as painfull memories are renewed we propose another Royal marriage with Tuscany, and I begin to fortify the Southern coast. In 1612 the disgrace of Austria is complete when Philip of Spain is announced Emperor, and Austria has to pay off Hansa with 52 marks. The Hanseatic League has become the dominant force in Germany. Although Hannover and Hessen are strong in the west, the merchants of Kiel have grown fat off Poland and Austria. If they could gobble up Brandenburg then they would have roughly the 19th century Prussian shape, and they are a good foil for the other major powers in the area. I look around for another ally, and Helvetia is definitely the only target. They are out of the Austrian alliance, and should their peaceful alliance expire I will invite them to ours. A steady stream of Canadian furs keeps the chill out of the Tagsatzung member’s castles and they’ve become quite enamoured with their French neighbours. In 1614 we ink the contract of alliance, and our power block becomes a mighty force. The soldiers of Tuscany, Savoie, Helvetia and Lorraine would be a match for almost all the other groups in Europe, with France at the helm we should be invincible.

Louis XIII comes of age, and revives a name I thought we’d stamped out a century ago, but he has an impressive administration, and with the addition of Cardinal Richeleau we have a very strong government. Now I was expecting a real prick in Richleau, but he’s a very decent bloke. He’s as pragmatic as I am, and though a Cardinal, sees the usefullness so many Hugenots provide the country. He’s also a bit of a drunk, and I slide into an Oasis-type booze period of high and low living. The Kingdom runs like clock work, and the only trouble we have is from a couple of imbecilic musketeers who keep inventing non-existent plots against the King. The leader of the group, Aramis could be a carbon copy of Blackadder’s Lord Flash. The poncy, jumped up latrine-digger swashbuckles his way around Parisianne women, and although I attempt to have the entire regiment shipped to The Kola Peninsular in a gesture of goodwill to the Tzar, the King is unfortunately quite taken with his loyal bodyguard. When members of the court find out that, taken is to be translated in the biblical sense and in particular with a recruit named D’Artagnon the merde hits the fan and we have the mother of all political scandals, plus a year of revolts just for good benefit.

When the smoke clears from the political scene, and from our burning cities I vassalize Helvetia, ensuring that with Tyrol, there is a significant block of granite between any upstarts from Germany who wish to halt the French march of progress. I consider allowing them to drop out of the alliance, and letting Helvetia remain a neutral state in Europe, but I’ll wait a while and see what the state of play is like in a few years.
 

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Part 3
In 1616 Russia go to war with who else, but Kazan. The Russian bear is more like the big bad wolf, but he can’t blow those Kazani houses down. In France, the years tick by peacefully, with the continued development of what is now being called Canada. We have concentrated devlopment to secure cities in the outer provinces, and will then start to work inwards. When all is complete we should have a nation of 16 bordering provinces, plus the strategic outpost of Belle Isle. With fortifications and interior lines there will be no danger to the colonies, and we shall never have to ship troops out there to fight a war. What we may lose in trade value from some of the provinces we make up for in security, and the ability to leave the interior very lightly fortified. After their previous White Peace it takes until 1626 for Russia to have yet another bash eastwards at Kazan. I’m really pulling for Kazan now, despite being heathen they have had a war every 5-10 years since 1492 and not only survived, but flourished. I even ship some money out east to help them fight, but our intolerance for the Moslim religion ranks us only slightly higher than their Russian oppressors on the “Scum we would like to eliminate” Kazani top 10.

Our Savoyan vassals get bitten by the colonization bug, and they set up a trade post just outside Canada in Fundy. I assure the King that we shall guard their treasured colonial possession as though it were our own. I decide against vassalizing Lorraine, or trying to annex Savoy. There is simply no need. The Lorraines have a 100,000 man army and have proved ferocious allies in the past, while Savoy have added 5 provinces since we began this great journey together. Our Canada policy pays dividends when in 1629 a COT opens up in Bangor. A detailed look at our accounts shows another leap in income, monthly we collect 158.3 francs, taking a defeceit of 2 sous, and yearly we rake in 2457 francs, with 585 raised in taxes. I have saved 3000 francs in the treasury should we have a miliitary crisis, and apart from a surge in our % of census tax income from the whole, we have performed an economic miricle from the situation in 1492.

For some reason in 1630 the entire world goes to war with Poland. It’s been 60 years since that country was savaged last time, but apparantley Polish diplomats must have ticked a few people off. The Poland, Wurtemburg, and Bohemia alliance is simultaneously at war with Hansa, Saxony, Netherlands, Pskov, England, Teutonic Order, Hanover, Thuringen, Denmark, Sweden and Russia. May the war last 100 years and bankrupt the lot of them.

Rather than my hope for a prolonged war, by 1634 it’s pretty much all over for Poland the world power, they ceede Bogjutar and Polotsk to Sweden, Tula and Belgorod to Russia, Mozyr to Pskov, Krakow and Posen to Hannover and Danzig to Hansa. Eight provinces in the space of four years is a little overzealous, but there you have it. Somehow, during my drunken stupor I must have missed the fact that Austria captured Quatarra at some point. That’s a good 2000 mile walk from Vienna, but it comes to nothing as the Holy Middle-Eastern Empire of Syria and Quatarra are absorbed by Persia in 1638. That’s the excuse for another Austrian rampage through Germany as along with Spain, Scotland, Crimea and Georgia, they declare war on the unbeatable, and now bloated off the Polish corpse states of Saxony, Hannover, Hansa and Thuringen.

Poland decides to reclaim some land by going solo in a war against Russia, and as the turmoil in Europe continues these fools have no idea what will hit them. While we have had three major periods of war, the remaining times have been peaceful and prosperous. Soon the time will come when France flexes it’s military muscle, and I have a hankering to beat Napoleon to his zenith. It’s a long term goal, but I will attempt through peacefull bribery, and warfare to push the French Empire like a blue carpet through Germany. Aside from the helpless Genoa, Italy is in the possession of our allies and ourselves, and when the time is right the grandsons of the men currently fighting in Germany will curse their ancestors for allowing France to grow so powerful.

In January 1640 we host a “Helvetian for a Day” party at court. We all dressed up in lederhosen and yodelled the night away, though unfortunately the whole point of the excersise, to get the Swiss drunk enough to accept our annexation proposal was scuppered when Louis decided that at two in morning, while the entire court is rolling round the floor in great excess that time was right for a poetry reading. That was that, the Swiss quite intelligently absconded the ballroom and by the time I tracked them down, the fruits of our 5 wineries had subsided enough for them to explain that Helvetia would never be run by French slime such as me, and promptly told me in an atanomicaly way, where I could stick our vassal agreement. It takes six months of cash and carry to Helvetia to repair the damage and get them back as vassals.

I am interupted from coloring-in Canadian provinces on my diplomatic map with the announcement in 1641 that Palatine, Hessen and Cologne have declared war on Lorraine. We are no where near ready for a war, but I agree to help our allies, and hastily raise troops in the north. I part with large amounts of cash in the south to build conscription centers to ensure that should anyone take this time to stab us in the back we will be able to muster men in a hurry. By May I have enough men trained to help out the Lorraines, who in typical style have abandoned any thought to defending their homeland and are instead sitting patiently in Pfalz, waiting for the city walls to fall down and the usual rewards to be found in conquest. I send an army to Luxembourg to try and stem the tide of Germans flocking over our borders on their merry way to Lorrain, and meet the Hessian army in a small engagement. We hold the field, and have now choked reinforcements from reducing Lorraine. I send a siege force to Mainz, and detach the guns from my second siege army to help out the Lorraines in Pfalz, as they forgot to bring any. I make a mental note to send a memo to the King of Lorraine, that perhaps 40,000 cavalry is not the way to knock down city wall. The first of our new field armies meet the Cologne army in Cologne, and we knock the crap out of them. I’m sure there’s a more historic term for the kind of battle where you liquidate an entire army, but I get so drunk that night that the word escapes me. When Pfalz falls a few weeks later, we all get to share 250 francs, far less than the war cost in men and economic destruction.

In 1643 another Louis of France dies, and while Anne D’Autriche fills in, I attempt to ensure that the future Louis XIV has tutors who will instill a little more grip on reality than the historic ones did. While Europe has settled down to attacking Poland we have slowly, and quietly been building our strength. We will use that strength at the right time, and not when some overdressed nonce decides that it would be nice to look out a castle window and see the Rhine. Russia aquires Poltva and Kursk from Poland, Georgia help themselves to Galicia and Lithuania, and when Prussia announces their independence it’s pretty much over 100 years early for Poland. The Kingdom is down to only 6 provinces, and apparantly all it takes is for one of their emissaries to break wind in a European court for another war to begin.
 

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Part 4
We continue the important, but nevertheless, somewhat dull and slightly frustrating process of continuing to colonize Canada. Unfortunately not many of the native Americans have survived the experience, as our soldiers are a little too adept at wiping them out completely should they even so much as complain about the smell of garlic emanating from our growing settlements. In 1651 Austria, along with Spain, Genoa, Georgia, Scotland, Venice and Bavaria declare a crusade against the Turks. Louis XIV finally comes of age, and should he survive to his natural age will be the longest serving monarch of this epoch. We expand the French settlements in Canada all the way around the Great Lakes, to ensure that no one else can settle in the area. It will take years to turn them into cities, but at least we won’t have unruly neighbours about. Again, sadly the natives suffer at the hands of our overzealous troops, until it’s just us and the beaver left alive in the areas we settle.

Venice takes Bulgaria, and Austria claim Moldavia from the Turkish crusade, though if Austria had refrained from pillaging most of Germany for 100 years, who knows what they may have achieved. I decide that as Europe is quiet I will travel to Canada and attempt to coax the settlers to play hockey with the natives rather than bayoneting them. The next few years are quiet, but cold out on the frontier. I receive news that both the Tuscans and Lorraines have been bribed senseless enough to become our vassals and that plague has struck the great unwashed on the Brittany coastline. In a commendable show of optimism the Scots, with no allies declare war on England, and have to face Spain, Poland and Prussia in the bargain. When I read the peace treaty that follows, I have to as an assistant to slap me in the face with a galley oar as I can’t believe the outcome. Scotland gains Yorkshire, Lancashire and 117 pounds from one of the largest alliances in Europe. Perhaps that whisky they distill imbibes their soldiers with inhuman powers, or perhaps England is just crap.

We have a political scandal in 1681 when it is discovered that Louis does not have a mistress and is faithfull to his wife. A rather strange turnaround, but nevertheless we take a big hit and Austria capitalizes by annexing Bohemia before anyone notices. France remains silent during this era, but large numbers of rather fruitless wars break out all over Europe. Pskov taking Kursk and Tver from Russia raises a few eyebrows here, but it takes an hour to silence the laughing when Maurice, 3rd Laird of Johnstone announces that Scotland is in a state of war with China. I spend the best part of a day scanning our maps and charts but fail to discover any Scottish colony or settlement which could be the cause of such friction. In order to remove the scourge of China from European affairs the Scots will have to travel around the world without a pit stop before landing on one of the richest and hitherto, most peaceful nations in the world.

In 1699 New France is complete. We have a nation in Canada larger than Europe, fortified, garrisoned, and feeding money back to the mother country. I decide that it’s time to extend the glory of France, and me by attacking Spain. Hainault is our last lost province, and reasonable case for war. I do not call for our allies, we are strong enough to attack Spain, and their allies Georgia, Austria, Venice and Prussia can do no damage. I order Vendomme to Hainault, and Vaubanne to Moron, where he departs our ships which were conveniently floating in the Carribean just prior to our declaration of war.

Hainault falls about 1 minute after our guns tear at the walls. With good leadership, and an overwhelming technology lead I expect that this will be a very short war. Unfortunately, the only thing short is Vaubanne’s life, as he dies during our assault, and his entire force is wiped out by a Spanish counter attack. I hastily embark more men for the Carribean, and send Montescu through Savoyan Gerona to attack the Spanish mainland. He drives off a Spanish force in Catalonia, then assaults and captures the city. Unfortunately, while his men were still plundering the Spanish population, a counterattack drove him out of the province, and the Spanish set siege to the city. Two years into a war that was supposed to be an easy win and yet is no where near a conclusion has made the King slightly uppity. I assure him that total victory is just a matter of time and if he would just continue to hunt and frolick in a Regal manner that all will be well.

The Austrians have finally cracked the fortifications in Tyrol, so I send in Boufllers to do his 7th cavalry bit and rescue the city in the knick of time. Unfortunately he barely escapes with his life as our army is routed by a smaller, and one might presume hungrier army. Before running as fast as they could back to Milan the force did manage to raise the siege, and I doubt that the Austrians will have another two years to siege again. By April 1701 we launch another Carribean landing, this time in Havanna. I keep the fleet on station in case we are forced to retreat, though they are not needed. We assault the city and capture it, and Spain agrees to peace giving up Hainualt and Havanna. The last Spanish province in France is reclaimed, and we have taken a valuable tobacco city in the process. Peace will not last long, I begin planning for the conquest of Palatine immediately, our German adventures will begin before they know what hits them.

On February 1st 1703 I send our declaration of war to the very soon to be retired Elector of Palatine. By March Pfalz is captured, and by July 9th the war is over and we have another two provinces. Europe still doesn’t see the threat posed by us, and busy themselves with another war. This time the German alliance of Hansa, The Teutons, Brandenburg and the slightly un-German Pskov go to war with Austria, Georgia, Spain and Venice. In a short campaign the Austrians regain Ostmarch and 63 marks from Saxony, but the war continues.

Meanwhile, safely out of prying eyes behind the frontier I am assembling the largest armies ever seen in Europe. With the fortification levels in Germany I decide that some new tactics may be in order. I have 3 large armies, each with over 200 cannon, and behind the front; 3 armies of occupation made up entirely of infantry. These will be used to brutally supress rebels who may not be quite so appreciative of us uniting them, and to provide a stream of cannon-fodder, I mean replacements to the front. As we expand, I will create more replacements from the conscription centers in Paris, Artois and Flanders. This should ensure that with our leaders, we should be able to assault each city and hastily bring the wars to a happy conclusion. Happy, provided that you and your family aren’t currently living in a Hessen city as they are our next targets.

I am just about to declare war when I read of Poland’s latest land grab against Russia. The Poles will have to crack the Russian-Kazan alliance, which is not only bewildering, but a good many other adjectives too. After fighting about 20 wars against each other, the natural thing to do, is of course ally. I may have found the ideology which will later manifest itself in the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact: “Comrade, remember the Kazanis, the only brief moments of peace between our countries was when we attacked Poland, travel at once to Berlin to propose the same.” It appears to work, as Russia and Kazan get to share 250 roubles at what, I can only imagine will be very bloody peace negotiations resulting in another war.

On March 6th 1706, La Grande Armee crosses the Rhine a few seconds after our courier dispatched the declaration of war to Hessen. Their allies are Cologne, and The Netherlands. On paper, it’s a clever alliance, a solid self-supporting block on our border, but whatever paper it is, it hasn’t been tested against volley fire. Remembering that we now finally have a fleet, I send them to blockade Holland and cause some general misery. No doubt, if I had Heinkels they would be bombing Rotterdam, it’s surprising how ruthlessly the mantle changes from years of peace to war. The Dutch give up the ghost when we sink their entire fleet in the channel, so we accept their offer of peace. Hearing this, the Charge d’Affaire from Cologne hands over their instrument of surrender, so we’re all alone to play with the Hessians.
 

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Part 5
While the soldiers of France are causing mayhem in Germany, just a few miles to the south Austria, ends their war receiving 219 marks from Brandenburg, let’s hope they spend it wisely. Between reading reports of the fall of Hessian and Kleeves I am handed a diplomatic insult from Lord Venebles, apparantly, tired of peace the English are trying to provoke us into a war. Fortunately, the English are unable to overcome their politeness, and it’s not much of an insult, unless the words cad and bounder can get your blood up. On November 7th, the bells of Notre Dame are peeling the news of another victory as Hessen’s three provinces will soon be getting visits from some French bailiffs. I move the occupation armies forward, and replace the cannon losses that our assaults have caused. I ask the gaoler of La Bastille to reserve a new cell for the Elector of Hanover, as he is next.

The only slowing of our advance is the time it takes to get new armies forward, unfortunately, the absence of an autobahn makes movement slow, nevertheless, on March 21st 1707 we declare war on Hanover, and their allies Saxony and Thuringen promptly dishonor the alliance. It would appear that the fur trade money I have liberally sprinkled around Europe is helping our divide and conquer strategy, either that or Marechal Petain’s forefathers live within those German Kingdoms. It only takes a month for the war to be over, but that cell will have to wait. Hanover had earlier taken three Polish provinces, and as we have no way to reach them I have to settle for Oldenburg. It’s a wrinkle that I will iron out as soon as our march east continues, when our political stability has improved.

Spain decide that the best way they can deal with French aggression is to ban our traders from their markets, but it’s not enough to prevent us declaring war on Saxony in 1708. Of their allies, only the Hanseatic League honor the alliance, and the poor Danes declare war on France, and 4 of their allies promptly wish them luck but leave their alliance. Unfortunately for Europe, our armies are too large, and our Generals too good to be slowed down, and by 1709 we have conquered all Saxony, as well as Denmark. Our losses are enormous, but the 100 years of peace have allowed our treasury to swell to over 100,000 francs, and the many new French widows can console themselves that their men died for the glory of France. I make peace with Denmark, and their noble, but suicidal intervention costs Holstein, a generous peace I believe. However, I do not make peace with Saxony yet. Instead, we declare war on Thuringen, and after their alliance crumbles we conquer them and leave them waiting for our terms. My plans for Germany should ensure that Bonaparte never rises above the rank of artillery Captain.

I am struck by an idea, that we can do the fighting now, and make peace later before Europe knows what hit it, so we move on, and declare war on Brandenburg. I intend to remove as many of the northern Protestant nations as possible, which may allow us to maintain good relations with the Catholic ones to the south. I also send hefty amounts of gold to our allies, and the neutral states whose land will not be part of France in the near future. For some reason, not happy with owning all of South America, the Spaniards demand Memel from the Teutonic Order in the final peace treaty of the German War. Obviously, tired of the sun and sand in the Carribean, it’s time for vactions in the Spanish Baltic.

As we begin tearing at Brandenburg’s walls in 1711 the Russians and Kazanis return to a state they feel more comfortable with, and go to war against each other. On July 1711 the Netherlands, who obviously have short memories declare war on France. We fight one of the largest battles of the war in Munster, where our 80,000 infantry slaughter over half of the Netherland’s force of 64,000 infantry and 24,000 cavalry. Unfortunately for the Dutch, they do not realize that cavalry heavy armies are doomed, and the aside from scouting, and pursuing, the days of charging into the enemy are over. We spend the next several years attacking the Dutch and Cologne fortresses, while offers of peace from our other German conquests flood in, almost daily.

On January 1st 1714 a new order is proclaimed in Germany. In The Concordat of Worms, we settle all our disputes in one Michael Corleone type day. The French Confederation of the Rhine now incorporates Cologne, Hessen, Saxony, Thuringen, Oldenburg from Hanover, Paletine, Brandenburg, Holstein and Friesen. We leave the Catholic German states alone, and assure Europe that this is the last of our territorial claims. In the space of 7 years we have extended France from the Rhine to the Vistula, and done what Austria could have only dreamt during the 30 years war. The Holy Roman Empire is reduced to non-French territory, and as I bid au revoir to the dignitaries I decide that we have conquered enough. We have done Napoleon’s job and more, about 100 years early. We, and our allies hold Italy, and a large chunk of Northern and Central Germany. I send vast quantities of money to our allies, and the Catholic States of Germany. More armies are raised, as replacements for the fallen, and garrison service in the constantly revolting new provinces.On September 9th when La Roi De Soleil, Louis XIV King of France dies I order 5 regiments of our 1,000,000 men-at-arms to Paris, to sombrely march with the coffin on a gun carriage. I was expecting Louis to be very aggressive, and excited by our conquests, but he really wasn’t interested in military affairs. The man got more joy from a new bloom of roses in Versailles than the fall of Cologne.

I arrange marriages with Wurtemburg, Bavaria and Baden as a sign of our friendship to those countries. Unfortunately, the King of Lorraine is so angered by our suggestion of a peacefull annexation that he cancels the vassals agreement. I gently coax him back to vassal status over the next few months by a combination of gifts and blackmail with what he’s been doing with those gifts. I have to hand it to Le Maquis de Sade for his imagination, and plentily stocked inventory of suitable Royal leather-wear.

Our financial report in 1720 shows what I already knew, that we are rolling in money. Monthly we earn 570 francs, of which 428 drops into my private account and the treasury, while yearly we collect 7737 of which 951 comes from our enormous population. We spend the next few years crushing revolts, and as there are no new colonies to transport the scum to, we have to content ourselves with using them as musket practice. Louis XV pops in for a cup of tea in 1723 and our noble monarch informs me that he’d love to be Holy Roman Emperor. I explain to him, that having dismantled most of the Electorate it will cost a fortune in bribery to even have a shot at the post. Nevertheless, I decide to see if we can repair the damage in time. Unlike Bush who knew who and when he was running for election (well I presume he had some idea) I have none. So I have to ship crateloads of gold around Europe as quickly as possible, and patiently wait for the Spanish King to die.

Somehow, by 1730 we even manage a Royal marriage with Hannover, and our election campaign is complete. We now have relations better than any other nation with the suddenly very rich electors, so I expect the dubious honor to be bestowed upon our monarch as soon as either nature, or my assasins have dealt with the incumbent. Europe uses the money wisely, as Georgia, Austria, Venice, Spain, Pskov, Sweden and Hanover go to war with Turkey, followed by the 4 provinces which still call themselves Poland. The war is a bit a a dud however, as the Poles pay a little cash, and the large alliance stalls their campaign and sign a status quo peace.

By 1744 our German lands are pacified, and I merge the remaining forces into consolidated frontline and reserve armies. I don’t anticipate ever unleashing that terrible force again, but it pays to be cautious. In 1746 the Emperor dies, and I hastily await the results of the election. When Ferdinand of Spain is pronounced Holy Roman Emperor, so I have to shout “arrete!” and demand a recount, then another, and another. Despite having near perfect relations with all remaining German Electors we have lost. Spain must have got votes from China or some hitherto invisible Electoral State. There is simply no way that we could have lost the election. When news of the result is received at the palace, the King has a fit. As he obviously has no hope of ever being elected he orders the destruction of the remaining states and the end of the Holy Roman Empire. I explain that the annexation of Catholic states may do little for our relations in Europe but he will not listen to reason, he wants war.

I make plans for the annexation of Germany, and decide that the first order of business is to destroy the one great power that can come to their aid, and attack Austria first. I declare war on June 6th 1747 and our diplomatic moves do pay off a little when all but Georgia and Spain desert the Austrians. I order Villers to take Salzberg, and De Saxe to Erz. While our armies are marching I receive a declaration of war from Scotland. I dismiss this as a late April fools joke, but Lord Wark is quite persistant in following me around and telling me that Scotland will not rest until the French Empire is humbled. I wish him luck and ride for Italy, the Scots can do little damage, and I wish to be present at the humbling of the Austrian King. My journey is disturbed a little with the news that Genoa, Hansa, The Papal State, Holland and the Teutonic Order are also at war with us, but with 1.5 million French soldiers, unless those nations discover large gold mines under their castles there will be little they can do.
 

hjarg

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Good one, as usual :) And i was afraid that you have given up writing AARs already.
Ok, the French will be over soon, you return to your dull daily life, but what next? Swedes, Austria, Poland? Or something smaller? But you have to write the next one!!!

Perhaps as Austria and force Pope to make peace in Canossa?
 

unmerged(1235)

Second Lieutenant
Feb 26, 2001
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Originally posted by hjarg
Good one, as usual

Of course... we'd not expect less, would we?

Originally posted by hjarg
Ok, the French will be over soon, you return to your dull daily life, but what next? Swedes, Austria, Poland[/B]

I'd vote for Russia... Put some finality to the unceasing home-and-away series of encounters with Kazan! :D
 

unmerged(2668)

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Apr 4, 2001
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Pafait

Without question the most interesting AAR I've had the temerity to read at work. The historical references are hilarious. You remind me of that english comic . . . what is his name . . .
 

unmerged(1396)

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Mar 1, 2001
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Nice AAR

A masterpiece, as usual. However, last time I checked, the screenshots have bad links. Other than that, your AAR is superb. The position of HRE is given to Austria or Spain unless they are destroyed. Don't go for Germany. Probably want to take Spain instead. The Spainish American colonies look particularly enticing. Your badboy is probably the highest in the game. No wonder Scotland declares war on you. A good strategy now (with your big armies and navies) is to avoid making peace if possible. Take them one a time. That way, when (if) you get around to annexing Scotland, you won't have to declare war again.