A History Of France Part II 1518-1603

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PART 1
Hi all, screenshots of France and English history have finally been updated at http://www.geocities.com/sean989898us/
Enjoy…
We have a strong ally in Lorraine, and they march their entire force to lay siege to Franche Comte. Savoy sends detachments to join that fight, while my armies are fleeing the border, waiting for reinforcements to be raised. La Palice waits in Limousin as I hope that the Southern Spanish army will head up the east side of our border to relieve France Comte, or siege our border provinces. In the east, Crimea and Georgia declare war on Poland, and will have to face another creaking coalition of powers. Poland has Prussia, Bohemia, Spain, Portugal, Moldovia and Tripoli.. Maybe the Dons will head east and leave us in peace. In the midst of this madness, The Pope decides that now is the perfect time to end the schism between eastern and western churches with a declaration of war against Georgia. I have no idea how they will get there, lacking ships perhaps Clement will simply part the Adriatic Moses style, and his troops will walk across. A northern Spanish army lays siege to Lorraine, and their Southern army is marched up the spine of France to reinforce. They obviously don’t know where Palice is, as the string of detachments make their war towards Auvergne. I order La Palice to attack, if we can chop the Spaniards up piecemeal before they combine, then our allies will be free to take Franche Comte. As 1519 dawns, Karl IV of Austria is elected Emperor, no doubt Spain’s unnecesary assault on the peace loving nation of France has worsened their diplomatic position. On January 3rd the first battle of the war occurs at Clermont. La Palice with 20,000 foot and 5,000 chevaliers takes on a 6,000 Spanish infantry in the first engagement of what would become a classic encounter. La Palice is victorious, and we have 5,000 prisoners to use as target practice for our crossbowmen.

A couple of weeks later the next Spanish detachment arrives, consisting of 26,000 infantry. We see them off agains, inflicting massive casualties. The first of our new armies is raised and I send a new cavalry corps to reinforce La Palice. A constant stream of Spanish and now Portugese troops continue to head across the border. They halt and combine, before marching on Auvergne. With our force on their flank, they cannot head to Franch Comte to relieve the siege there. The terrain in Auvergne is not suitable for our cavalry, so I order La Palice to take up position in Lyonnaise as soon as his cavalry arrives, keeping himself between the Spaniards, and our allies. On February 28th The Pope ends the crusade against Georgia with a white peace. My siege armies are now complete, and I send the northern force to Artois to begin a siege. I order our northern field army under Chef du Battalion Primeax to relieve Lorraine, as all the Spanish forces raised in their northern possession have been laying siege to Metz.

On March 19th the Spanish catch La Palice, still in Auvergne and in a series of battles lasting a month our force holds firm. However the troops are exhausted, and when another Portugese reinforcement arrives our men flee. They have been fighting huge numbers of troops but could not stop the Spanish advance. On April 24th a small skirmish begins in Lorraine which will drag on for months and decide the outcome of the war. Primeau, with 18,000 infantry and 19,000 cavalry sees off the Spanish siege force, and saves Lorraine, but the battle continues as fresh enemy reinforcements stream into the province. By June 5th the fighting is still raging in Lorraine, and now, the Portugese force from Auvergne is closing in. By the 24th our army is exhausted, I order a retreat to Nivernaise, as the Lorraine garrison has been replenished they will be able to hold out long enough for us to rest and recover. Over three months we have killed or captured 40,000 enemy troops, and we now have a larger force than Spain in the front. Unkown to our enemies, this war is over, we have won and will decide the terms of the peace.

On August 14th the bells of Notre Dame ring out to celebrate the liberation of Artois, and I order the siege force to Flanders. Two months later, Crimea pays of Poland with a whooping 32 ducats, while closer to home our allies have captured Franche Comte. Martin Luther puts in an early appearance on November 2nd and so 1519 will be know as the year religious madness began. By the 13th Rousillon falls in the South and I begin peace negotiations with Spain.I demand Artois and Rousillon for ourselves, and Franche Comte for Lorraine. The Spaniards turn down all our generous offers, and so I send Primeau back to Lorraine where he wins the field and takes no prisoners, as I make every effort to convince Spain to submit to our terms. Antoine meanwhile has taken his Lorraine and Savoyan army north to siege Luxembourg.

On the first day of 1520 Captain Goneville request an audience, and tells me that he is prepared to lead a voyage west to find the route to China. I don’t bother to inform him that unless the Panama canal has been built he won’t have much hope, and instead agree to finance his exploits as soon as the war with Spain is concluded. Colonel Argo is very excited, having completed on the most detailed series of maps France has ever known and a detailed chart of the Paris brothels, he’s had nothing to do but play connect the dots for the last 10 years. Flanders falls, but still the Spaniards decline our peace offers. I begin a siege in Hainault, perhaps at some point Phillip will realize that we are sticking to our demands. On February 2nd La Palice dies when falls from his horse during a march to Rousiillon. It’s a tragic day for France, his battles in Auvernge destoyed the Spanish and Portugese armies, and enabled our allies to continue their siege.

Primeau catches a relief force heading south and at The Battle of Flanders annihalates yet another Spanish army. Antoine is having great fun in the low countries, after storming Luxembourg he starts walking towards Zeeland. On August 9th the war is over, I have been victorious in battle, but have lost the peace. Fearing that our allies could no longer sustain the war effort I make peace and settle for two provinces instead of three. Although Artois is more valuable, the strategic position of Rousillon means, that I accept that province in a peace, with Franche Comte going to Lorraine. While we could have had a better peace treaty, we have fixed our Southern border, and will be able to cut the Spanish Netherlands off from reinforcements the next time hostilities break out. I have no illusions about this being a lasting peace, but I hope to initiate the next attack and be more prepared.

Lorraine has gained a new province to their Kingdom, but King Charles of Savoy has been bankrupted by the war. He kneels at the the feet of King Francis and pledges fealty to France. We have succeeded in opening a path to Milan, and our lost Italian inheritence. Overall the war was a series of stunning successes. Although leaving the field of two battles we destroyed the Spanish army and took very light casualties ourselves. The war was a bonus, when we begin to pick apart the Northern Spanish Empire the Evil Ones will be unable to stop us. By November, I have dispatched Gonneville to “China” with Argo on board to hopefully find a decent area to set up a base in Canada.

In 1521 Captain Fleury comes knocking and asks if he can also have the honor of sailing into the unknown. I’m hesitant, if this man shares the genes of Theo Fleury, then he’s likely to be an enormous waste of money, but I send him off in the direction of the Carribean, we need to find the source of Spanish wealth and strike at it in our next war. During these moments of peace, I decide to revise my plans for Italy. Naples is a vassal of Spain, but are not in their alliance. I hastily begin building transports as a prize that rich will not remain dangling before me for long. On January 29th our bankrupt vassal uses the money we’ve given them to declare war on Genoa. So much for my plans of patience, but I will use this chaos to invade Naples. I send a small token force to help the siege of Genoa, and march a siege army to Provence to prepare for invasion. I embark the troops, and when we cross the very crowded Mare Tyrennia, we declare war on Naples. I don’t ask my allies for help, as this prize is just for the glory of France.

 

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PART 2
Due to our small transport capacity, I have to send the siege force in without protection, and send my ships back to Provence to pick up a small field army. The Napolidan are more resiliant than I had hoped, and my first army is in full retreat toward Rome. In Northern Italy Savoy sieges Genoa, while the Papal States siege Parma. The Genoan alliance send all their troops to siege Emilia. I don’t let my siege force linger in Rome, although their moral is low I send them back to Napoli before their new troops can be raised. We drive off the Naples troops on June 6th and my reinforcements arrive by sea. On October 13th Naples falls, and our siege unit moves on to Apulia. Meanwhile, in the quest for China, Argo disembarks in Bangor and I send a shipment of Pizza bakers from Naples to start a colony there.

As the Christmas festivities begin, and I make plans to secure Naples after it’s inevitable annexation I receive joyess news. Poland declares war on Austria. Now, the King’s sadness at chivalric Christian knights killing each other instead of the infidel is relieved somewhat by the diplomatic fallout which occurs. Poland bring Spain, Portugal, Moldavia and Tripoli to battle, while the Austrian allies of Wurtemburg and Helvetia join them. Milan does not join the war, and are temporarily alone. The Duke will have plenty of time to regret his betrayl of Austria, as I take this opportunity to strike. I declare war on Milan before they can rejoin their alliance. We are far from ready for another war, but an opportunity like this is a rareity. My original plan to take Milan, Naples and a Spanish province may yet be completed.

In January 1522 the English scum make peace with Turkey, which was a surprise to me, as I was had no idea that they would help Venice fight in the East. They win the war, but get stiffed in the peace, only collecting 4 shillings in the treaty. I notice to my horror that 60,000 English troops have arrived in Calais. If they strike now, we are doomed, Venice could attack North Italy, and I have no troops defending France. I bank on Henry’s cheapness and that he will not go into another war so quickly, but I need to hurry up in Italy. The list of explorers willing to search for a good Chinese restaurant expands when Monsieur de Verazzano volunteers to head for the East via the West. I inform him that another exploration will be too dangerous until we have established a base in Canada, and have ceased the war against all Italy.

On the 15th Savoy captures Genoa, but their army is shattered, and they have no hope of taking Corsica. I ask their attache to make peace quickly before the Papal States loose Romagne, but I am ignored, and our allies head instead to Parma. We fight the first battle of Milan on March 17th and I am recalled from my St Patricks Day celebrations, firstly because the King is wondering why the hell our government is paying for a parade, and secondly to receive the news of defeat. Our forces did not combine in time, and the two small units were dispatched piecemeal. In April, two more European Duchies cease to exist as Austria annexes Moldavia, and France annexes Naples. Savoy makes peace with Genoa, picking up 250 francs, but are still at war with Parma due to their separate peace with the Papacy. The Holy Father is in serious trouble, as both Emilia and Romagne have fallen, but my men in Naples are not permitted to cross into Rome as their war is now separate from ours.

On May 26th, we drive off the defenders of Milan, and as they have nowhere to retreat, the entire army ends up as prizes for our Nobles. No doubt, there will be plenty of practice for our Lancers over the coming weeks. I move a siege unit in to finish the war. I have to leave my Southern Italian army in Naples, as the sudden introducion of truffles into the local cuisine will probably anger the locals there for some time.

In July, we establish a colony in Bangor, and I send Argo out to widen our territorial knowledge. With a base on the other side of the Atlantic, I send Verrazano, Gonneville and Fleury on several expeditions to find China. My real aim is for them to map out all Spanish possession in the Americas, as I am in no doubt that our actions in Italy will soon lead to war. Christmas in the Vatican is a sorry affair, on the eve of our Saviours birth, the Cardinals are putting the finishing touches to the Treaty Of Rome, otherwise known as the Treaty of Total Surrender. The Pope gives up Emilia, Romagne and 250 indulgences to Tuscany. France is now in need of a new ally, as the single province Papal State will no longer be any help. More disturbing, is that Tuscany is the dominant force in Italy, and should they ever combine with the amazingly successful Venetians we will be in a little bit of bother.

In 1523 the war in Parma ends with their annexation by Savoy. The map of Italy has completely changed, and may be a source of headaches for me in the future. Fortunately, Venice decides to go to war with Austria, and their alliance of Hansa, England, Iraq, and Navarre is joined by none other than Milan. What aid the Milanese can provide may be limited however, as they have no army, and their nation is just weeks away from being a province in the French Empire. Perhaps if they had honored their pledge a few months before their nobility wouldn’t be in the immediate danger of execution. I’m pleased to hear that the 60,000 couchons in Calais leave, hopefully for a long voyage and starvation in the Balkans. In February, we have reclaimed our Italian possessions when Milan is annexed. Due to the peculiarities of the Papal War, they are still fighting The Knights, and to my shock 20,000 crusaders show up in Rome and lay siege. Verazzano discovers the Caribean islands, and in October Rome falls, and the Papal States pay 241 lire to the victorious knights. That separate peace with Parma was a disaster, and I need to get them out of my alliance and find someone stronger. Our sudden Italian windfall has made us very unpopular in Europe, and as well as supressing three new provinces I need to prepare for war, in case anyone tries to unburden us of our Italian states.

In 1524 the heretical scum in Wurtemburg break from Rome and sieze all church property there. The time is not right for our intervention, and the disasterous loss of power by the Papal States means that all Europe will be free to become Protestants. The Mameluks give up Nile to Cyrenaica, Delta and Syria to Turkey. Austria meanwhile is having a difficult time in their wars, the price of removing the Bohemian army from Vienna is 250 marks. On March 14th yet another Russia-Kazan war erupts, and we are finally at peace.

Over the last 10 years our soldiers have increased the wealth and power of France, but at some cost. Our treasury is empty, we have many enemies, and it will take years to pacify our Italian gains. We have achieved the gains I planned 20 years ago, but it was a strange path we took to get there. Spain’s diplomatic idiocy left us free to dabble in Italy, I doubt that they, or Europe will be so foolish again.

The victorious troops are marched through Paris, unfortunately I don’t have the money lying around to erect L’Arc de Triumphe, so the soldiers must be content to walk through the streets. When I say streets I do mean that in the broadest terms possible, perhaps open running sewers would be a better term than streets, but the glory of Paris’s adulation is well worth the price of new pair of shoes. Francis is ecstatic, he truly believes that he is some kind of King Arthur. While this might make jovial reading, the realities of the situation are disturbing, not only did the King insist in riding within our cavalry regiments, but he felt the need that I too should have the honor of fighting for France. Now, sitting in a silk tent 2-3 miles from the battleground is one thing, but dressing up in 200 pounds of steel armor, which I also had the honor of paying for, and lining up, sweating under the King’s standard in Lorraine was not exactly what I bargained for. Fortunately, I’m too tall to ride a horse in battle, so I just spent the time avoiding blood spurts and the occasional mace head that flew in my direction when we were unlucky enough to be attacked. For my “bravery” I am awarded the title Duc de Milan, and as soon as we invent manufacturies I hope to take full advantage of that position stocking up on Armani suits should they arrive in the time period.

 

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PART 3
I vow to remain at peace until we get a monarch who realizes that the best place on the field of battle for the nation’s chancellor is somewhere very far in the rear studying attrition reports and logistics from the other fronts in the war. Henry de Guise is promoted to Generale in 1525, and it’s a shame that his siege skills will only be displayed should those ungratefull Italian peasants sieze the fortifications in my Duchy.

Argo has discovered the Iroquios nation in America, after exchanging formalities, and a turkey dinner I order him to explore, the interior of Canada, and the American seaboard. I decide on a change of strategy in Italy, trying to improve relations with the now budgeoning Tuscany, and preparing for the future when we can ally with them. To cement our relations the Treaty of Firenze is signed where we mutually recognize each other’s new possessions, and seal the treaty with a Royal marriage. When I return from the Tuscan festivities I am met in council by an ashen faced Patrick, Duc de Roy. He informs me that Austria has inherited the throne of Hungary. More bad news follows when he goes on to explain that Venice and the now enormous Austria have allied. It is now vital that I get the Tuscans into our bed as quickly as possible, but the inevitable happens and Francis has a spot of insanity. Any gifts I send to Duke Cosimo will not improve relations enough as they are fully aware that our noble King believes he is a horse, so I’m going to have to wait a little longer for that alliance proposal.

Despite the King doing a great impersonation of Ophelia, the country continues to grow stronger. We have avoided the historic problems of an early Vietnam in Italy, and go back about the business of improving the infrastructure of the country. Before years end Kazan pull a goal back and only trail Russia 3-2 after extracting 125 roubles from the now crumbling Russian state. This is good news for me, a weak Russia will mean a strong Poland, and a strong Poland means a worried bunch of Habsburgs across the alps from Milan. If anyone here knew the way to Kazan I would send money to help them fight on in the future.

In 1526 I take another good look at the bureau de finance and notice that we have more than doubled our original monthly income. We now have 78.4 francs for our investments, I still pay a defeceit of 3 from the treasury, but our yearly income of 1313 of which 405 is made up of the census tax leaves me in the position to keep losing money from the monthly pot. This is a step in the right direction, we have lowered the percentage that census taxes make up of the yearly income, while raising all forms of income over the last 30 years.

In July, Ukraine declare their independence from Poland, and that effectively ends the Polish-Austrian war as the Poles make a hasty status quo peace and head for Kiev. In a separate treaty, Helvetia pays Venice 196 florins, and those Venetian stock brokers have pulled off another shock win. Venice is truly a power to be dealt with now, but I decide not to make any diplomatic approaches. The chance of aquiring Mantua at their expense is an option I would like to keep open for the future. We have a series of revolts in Italy, but I have almost the entire French army out there, and we are able to extinguish any flames of freedom quite easily. I do reap a bonus, when through the forfeiture of titles, we gain 400 francs for the pot.

I ship some more landless filth out to Canada, and begin a colony in Kebec, although we don’t have the opportunity for regular colonization yet, we get a chance every so often to send the lower end of the gene pool out to the Americas. Austria finally extracts herself from war by paying off Venice with 250 marks. Now I know that Francis has had his insane moments, but even during his lucid periods he has been acting a little strangely. He keeps bursting into my office and offering rewards and punishments for certain tasks. Many of these, I take for granted, as his obsession with retaining French sovereignty in Bearn is not out of line with my own thinking. However, the ridicule I have to suffer for not removing Spain from the Carribean, or Turkey from Europe is a little too harsh for my liking.

Things remain quiet for the next few years, my darling Genoese wife expires, and I don’t bother to renew the marriage alliance between our nations. Prussia becomes the next nation to change religion, and they incur the wrath of Poland who bring their entire alliance down on the Prussians. We have a scandal in the court when the King’s passion for Greek wrestling escapes his private chambers, and our already measly diplomacy suffers further. I’m not against anyone’s private pecadillos, I just wish they could keep them private and make my struggle with diplomacy a little easier. Poland Blitzkriegs the Germans, and Prussia becomes a province in the growing Polish empire. In 1530 Fleury dies of sea sickness in the Caribean and I have his remains brought back for a state burial in Paris. Far from ending up in rehab, he was the most successful of all our explorers, mapping our prevailing winds and tide currents throughout the Americas. We now have a land and sea charts of America, Central America, and the Caribean; useful should we go to war with Spain again. Unfortunately, neither the sailors who guided the corpse back home, nor the funeral attendants shared my enthusiasm for a memorial to Fleury, as the 9 month old corpse they have had to work with made life a little unpleasant for them all.

While the Poles were celebrating the death of Prussia, Turkey declared war. The Ventians, along with Iraq, The Teutons, Navarre and England join the Poles in what should be quite a war. If the Poles, and half Europe did not despise us so much, I would arrange some marriages so that we could take a peek at the conflict. In 1531, not only has the Francis’s madness abated, but he has appointed some talent around the courts of Europe, and our diplomatic effectiveness is raised. I take this opportunite to send some florins from Milan south to Tuscany, and north to Austria, in an effort to gain some friends again in Europe. We also secure brides for a new batch of nobles, increasing our German bloodlines with Bavaria, Baden and Cologne. Although I have not yet repaired the diplomatic damage ensuing our rapid expansion program, we are nevertheless improving. Russia goes to war with Kazan again, and I really am beyond words. Why they ever bother to make peace escapes me. In 1532 I introduce a little tainted Habsburg blood into the royal lines with a marriage between distant heirs of Austria and France. In September, Venice continues the reconquista of the Balkans seizing the historic province of Kosovo from the heathen. My joy at this unique history is tempered a little by the fact that Venice is extreemly hositle towards us, and our retinue has terrible seats in the victory celebrations, we are placed by the kitchen doors, next to the emmisaries of Tripolitania, and some tibesmen from the Caspian Sea area who don’t even have a flag for their country. Despite this diplomatic insult, I restrain Francis from running the Doge of Venice through with his sword.

We continue a modest expansion in Canada, adding Penobscot to the colonies there. England turns Protestant, but I am in no position to take advantage of their weakness and seize Calais. I intend to allow the simmering hatred for France to receede a little more before striking out. In 1534, Kazan sends the match into extra time with the tying war against Russia. They claim 166 roubles, and now that war number 6 is over I wonder if someone, somewhere close to the barbarian scismatic who calls himself Tzar of all Russians should suggest attacking another country. In November, our alliance expires, at the convenient moment that the Tuscan alliance also comes up for renewal. I invite Tuscany, Lorraine, Savoy, and Scotland into our new alliance, and feel very pleased with myself when all agree. I advise the Holy Father to follow a path of neutrality, and perhaps religious leadership, as only the good graces of Tuscany and The Knights of St John have allowed them to keep Rome.

In 1536 Hessen joins the growing number of heretical nations by changing religion to Protestant. Safe inside our new alliance I allocate a large portion of our savings to building the Louvre in Paris. Turkey’s woes continue, when the Hedjaz take Syria in the latest sliceing of the Ottoman Empire. I send a suitably worded insult to the Sultan expressing our delight in his predicament. While our emissary is in Constantinople, he witnesses a new low for the sick man of Europe as the Turks pay off the Mameluks with 68 crowns. I am considering a crusade to liberate the Holy Land, but decide that a more worldly pursuit of territory is required before we can dabble in Middle Eastern affairs.

Some of my extravagant personal spending results in a corruption scandal. Although I escape unblemished, inflation which had never risen, skyrockets to 25%. There are bread riots in the streets as the ungrateful peasants finaly experience the first price increase in 50 years, scum! In 1539 almost all Northern Germany changes to Protestant, as well as Sweden and Denmark. However, rather than deal with this insult to Christianity, most of Europe is distracted into a series of wars with Poland. First on deck is Sweden, they bring Russia, Denmark and Pskov into the war, and only Navarre remain as Poland’s ally. Before the ink is dry on that declaration of war the Hanseatic league bring Venice, England and a bunch of North African barbary states into the war. Poland hurridly annexes their former provinces of Ukraine, and The Great Northern War gets underway.

 

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PART 4
Turkey seizes upon this opportunity to strike revenge at the Mameluks, I send the rotting carcas of a sheep, and a strongly worded letter to the Sultan in Constantinople. Spain take advantage of the chaos in Europe to have another stab at the Aztecs, they’ll need as much of that gold as they can hold onto by the time I begin plans for the next Spanish war. I send a toothless old hag to Scotland to marry their King, I found her begging on the streets of Paris, hosed her down and gave her a phony title, I just couldn’t help myself. Apparantly she’s very popular in their court, and as we have no plans to attack England yet the Scots need us more than we need them. I order a replacement winery to be built in Burgogne, I am taking advantage of every peacefull year to continue our economic revolution.

By 1545 the strain on Poland begins to show, Pskov claims Belorus and Welikia, Russia takes 82 zlotyrs, and Kazan is now larger than Russia with the acquisition of Kursk. Georgia takes Bessarabia, Sweden takes Kurland, Hansa takes West Prussia, and Crimea takes Kremtjug. The once mighty Polish Empire is pruned and humbled, and though I worry about the Austrians, I am reliably informed that they are consumed full time with the pacification of Hungary. The Emperor’s army is being shredded by the constant revolts, and long marches around the endless Hungarian plains. If there were some way to help the rebels, I would ship large quantities of gold out there, but there’s a protocol that no aid must be sent to rebels until they have invented a name for their country and designed a flag.

I continue to send aid to our allies, and our relations with them are now very close. Fortunately, Poland drew the ire of Europe, and we have been able to cement a very firm alliance in case the princes turn their attention to us. In a rare bout of aggresion Portugal declares war on Spain. This will be the largest war to date, as Hansa, The Knights, Tripoli and Morocco side with Portugal, while Genoa, Venice, Cologne and Palatine side with the Spaniards. Personally, I hope they tear each other to shreds, although I think that Hansa may be the only nation in trouble with so many enemies close. Perhaps foolishly trying to provoke us into a war, Spain declares an embargo on our merchants.

In 1546 Calvin splits the Protestant churches and the reformed branch of that religion makes an appearance. All I can say, is that if a religion needs to be reformed after only exisiting for 20 years, then something must be very wrong. Suddenly, all over the South West of France, good Catholics are calling themselves, Yugos, or Hugonuts, or something to that effect anyway, and the King asks me what we should do about it. I pretend that it is a difficult decision, and tell the King he will have my answer later. I have no intention of doing anything about it. I’m not prepared to spend the next 100 years butchering people who dispute exactly what Jesus meant, and when I return to see the King I inform him that we must be tolerant to all our Christian subjects. He agrees, and I have safely avoided the second disaster to befall France. Now, I know that France came close many times to dominating Europe despite their many setbacks, I wonder how much greater we can become having sidestepped the enormous pitfalls of the sixteenth century.

My border patrols in the north inform me with some glee that all the Spanish Netherlands are in open revolt. This is wonderous news, I hope those revolts rot their army like an ulcer for the next hundred years. When things settle down a bit I intend to restore those lands to France, and begin our push towards the Rhine. Our other expansions will hopefully be peaceful. Perhaps Lorraine, Savoie and even Tuscany will one day see the benefits to be gained from joining our Empire, but those goals are a long way off.. On April 1st 1547 we have a new King. Henry II takes over, and though not quite the warrior his father was, his penchant for jousting is inevitably going to get him killed. During the coronation fetivities I make a terrible mistake when I get absolutely plastered in the company of Michel de Notredame. Unfortunately, I blabbed a little about who I really was, and let him know what’s going to happen in the future. Having a bottle of brandy in one’s stomach can make you a little reckless so I also told him that the world would end in 1999. Rather than calling for the guard and having me burnt as a witch, he simply smiled and took notes.

In 1550 I take another roll on the craps table of Royal Marriage and walk down the aisle with Sophia, Comptess de Verona sealing our friendship with the Tuscans. Unfortunately, whilst she has great beauty, her being only 10 puts yet another dampner on nuptials. While the princes of Europe treat theur children as cattle and no problem in feeding them to the lions in the name of diplomacy she becomes more of a sister than a wife. Thanks to Generale Argo’s maps I have plenty of distractions in Paris while my bride can play house in the manor.

I order yet another refinery to be built in Rousillon, this is the last grape-growing province, I will wait for the development of a Chianti plant in Naples until the rebels have quietened down a little more. In 1551 an enormous war breaks out in Germany with Austria declaring war on Bohemia. Bavaria, Wurtemburg and Helvetia join the Austrians, while Brandenburg aid their Protestant cousins against the Habsburgs. Unfortunately for the loyal Bavarians, the war is apparantly being fought exclusively on their land. Siege, battle and counter siege leaves the Bavarian provinces looted, and one would imagine their surviving citizens quite sore from the experience. Meanwhile in Hungary, roaming bands of rebels are marauding the countryside there.

In 1552 Russia declares war once more, number seven for all you keeping score with Kazan. Wurtemburg claims Moravia from Bohemia in the German War, and shortly afterwards the Austrians sue for peace so that they can put down the Hungarian revolts. A year later and our possessions in Italy have been secured as we appear to have subjugated the population there. Though their French is a little odd, they no longer feel the need to grab gardening tools and attack our garrisons. I order the return of troops to France, leaving a healthy force in Milan in case the all-conquering Venetians should get jealous.

As entertainment in the court has been a little dull lately I order yet another refinery to be built in Naples, and begin preparations for the defense of France with two border forces in Bearn and Rousillon. Should we go to war with Spain, they will ensure that the Netherlands are cut off from support. Speaking of the Netherlands, Spain has been doing a successful job in quashing the revolts there. I gleefully rub my hands knowing how much of the Spanish treasury has been spent in that episode. As soon as all that Dutch nonsense ends I will restore the Netherlands to France, be they in Dutch or Spanish hands. Russia loses their fourth consecutive war to Kazan, and it looks like the Eastern threat to Poland will come from that Khanate, as they remove Lipetsk from Russia.

In 1555 the King promotes Montmeroncy and Bourbon to field command, and I am faced with a dilemma. We have a strong army, and three excellent leaders, however I want nothing to do with the Netherlands until the revolts die down, and I have no fleet capable of securing the channel for a month so that we can cross to England. My other borders are all friendly, having Savoie, Lorraine and Tuscany in our pockets, and I have shipped numerous barrels of wine to Baden. I decide to make some modest improvements to the fleet, and prepare for a potential war with England. There is always the chance of them changing State Religion again, and in the chaos that may ensue I might be able to land in Wessex and force them to return Calais to Madame Francaise.

I decide that war will have to wait, after all, immortals can afford to be patient. I plan for another extended peace, and prepare to start improving our diplomatic relations among the remaining Catholic nations. In July Austria, Bavaria, Helvetia and Wurtemburg go to war with Georgia and Crimea. I don’t know what the Georgians have done to get all this Austrian attention, but apparantly Christian Bessarabia is a more important target than Austria’s sworn duty of ridding Europe of those Turks. A week later I almost pass out when I receive the next diplomatic update. Turkey, along with Cyrenaica and The Hedjaz declare war on The Mameluks. No surprise there, until I look at the Mameluk alliance, their only friend is England. Now, I have seen some strange collections of allies in my time, but neither myself or my councillors can work out the dynamics of this one. Even after the laughter has died down, no one can understand the logic of it. Perhaps the Mameluks were looking for easy expansion into Northern Scotland and required an ally close to the front.

 

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PART 5
In 1556 Ferdinand I is proclaimed Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. The Mameluks pay 250 to buy off the Turks, I guess England hasn’t been quite as helpful an ally as they may have appeared. I spend much of the year schmoozing German emisaries, and sending large, and petite gifts to their princes. In a shock early appearance, the Netherlands have finally finished arguing over what colors to use, their flag is complete and may be considered a country. They possess territory from Friesen to Flanders, and Luxembourg, though they will have to fight Spain to hold those possessions. This is excellent news, and I make an immediate policy shift to prepare for war. As soon as the Dutch and Spanish can decide who owns what in the low countries, I intend to take it from whichever unfortunate gains temporary possession. I have a war chest of 2000 francs and begin massive recruitment for the army. I make sure that the armies are raised out of sight of prying eyes, after all I hope that the Dutch and Spanish annihalate each other first.

I secure Royal marriages with Baden and Bavaria, while Spain makes peace with the mad Portugese, taking Algarve in the peace. The partitioning of Poland continues, they ceede Smolensk and Kremetjug to the growing Crimean Sultanate. There is now a significantly large Moslem prescence in Russia, and with Poland savaged, and Russia useless, it looks like that situation will last. On June 22nd Holland pays 250 guilder to Spain in return for them keeping their provinces. Before the ink dries on that treaty I declare war on Spain. I call on my allies, as Spain is suddenly isolated with only Venice as allies, and perhaps Savoie or Tuscany can steal a province from them. As Spain only holds two provinces in the north, I dispatch Guise to Artois, and send Bourbon on a long march to the southern border. The Tuscans head for Mantua, and I prepare a small force to help them fight off the Venetian army and speed the siege, I have to time it correctly however, as if French troops arrive too early they will claim the rights of siege.

Guise assaults Artois, and in a battle lasting about 16 minutes takes the city of Arras. Reports of joyess French citizens there showering the troops with flowers, wine and their first born daughters may be slightly exageratted, but La Guerre de Liberacion has begun well. In the south, the Spaniards try to cross the border, and catch my garrison in Bearn freshly enlarged with new recruits. Unlike other areas of life, size is unimportant in battle, as half the troops run as soon as the shooting starts, I hastily march the more experienced Rousillon garrison to drive off the invaders. On August 14th the citizens of Luxembourg are liberated from the Spanish yoke, and I send Guise and his personal cavalry gard to Milan to prepare for a siege of Venice. Should the Tuscans take Mantua, we will then be able to force a peace with the Venetians.

On September 16th the Rousillon force drives the Spanish out of our beloved motherland with a crushing victory in Bearn. However, our timing in Mantua is awful as we arrive just in time for our troops to be stampeded by fleeing Tuscans, the ferocity with which the Venetians drive us off the field demonstrates how they managed to kick the Turks in the arse so many times. They pursue us to Milan and rout us again, and for the trifecta, they are in Milan as a new batch of cannon are cast, and the guns run away faster than brave-brave Sir Robin.

So far, the The Great Patriotic War has cost us 1000 francs, but most of our armies are intact, and we prepare for the further humiliation of Spain. I order Bourbon to cross the border and aid the Savoyans who lay siege to Gerona. In February 1558 the city falls to Savoie, and the chance of removing Spain from our borders completely, approaches. I wait until the Savoyans pick another province to plunder before ordering Bourbon to Castille. I don’t want to waste time sieging each city on route, so I send a reinforcing unit to provide cover and ensure supply. The Savoyans, and a large Lorraine contingent head to Aragon. I think back to our decision to ally with Lorraine, and count us lucky that we have had such an excellent ally for these last 60 years. Meanwhile, the Venetian economists have laid siege to Milan. Guise is in Savoy with 800 horse, while the army Venice routed is still licking their wounds in Modena. I take a gamble and send both forces to meet in Milan, hopefully Guise will arrive after the main unit and not be slaughtered. On April 13th we retake Milan, and the Savoyan and Tuscan armies are free to move into Mantua. By July Bourbon is in Castille, and it strikes me that should we take the city then we will may be able to steal their sea charts. Meanwhile the Savoyans and Lorraines are nearly finished with the siege of Aragon, and knowing some of the peculiar peace offers that successful states are apt to make I order Guise to storm the city. We have to force a peace before the Savoyans do something really stupid. On October 21st Guise has enough troops to assualt but the garrison holds out.

Back in Paris, I spit chicken all over the Royal banquet table when I receive a report that Turks have landed, and are currently sieging Calais. While I am pleased that the heretics across La Manche are in such trouble, I am a little worried, after all, how will we land troops in Turkey if we go to war to claim Calais? In December we storm Castille again, and fail, but the walls are so damaged that the city of Madrid surrenders two days later. I order Bourbon to have no restraint on the troops, and after securing the Spanish maps, Bourbon withdraws from the city, leaving the infantry to frolic around the Spanish capital for two weeks. A few miles further north, Aragon falls to Lorraine, this is good news, Savoy can not claim a victory and make a separate peace.

As the year turns to 1559, the valiant army of Lorraine heads to Leone. Perhaps the Spanish army is on garrison duty in America, or more likely, trying to hold the Netherlands has bankrupted the country, because not one soldier in Spain has made any attempt to halt the invasion. In Italy, the war continues to go our way. I send a token force into Mantua, but am disappointed that the Savoyans have claimed the siege. The city falls on January 21st, a welcome birthday present, and I order Guise to Venice, he is ordered to take the city as soon as possible, and at all costs.

On February 8th Lorraine, holding two Spanish provinces, pay 250 florins to Spain. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH what in Gods name were they thinking? The war is almost over, the nearest Spanish infantryman is 2000 miles away, and they pay money to Spain. Perhaps the King is in the midst of a bout of insanity, there is no other explanation. Before Savoy offer themselves up for annexation I order Guise to storm Venice, but he fails. The Venetians meanwhile, in a bold tactical move capture Lucce from Tuscany. The Tuscans though have more fortitude than the Lorraines and do not make peace. On June 3rd Guise receives reinforcements, assualts Venice and fails. I am losing a lot of men in a bid to prevent any more displays of Lorraine like diplomacy, but I want Venice to give up Mantua before we make peace with Spain. On July 2nd Tuscany, with the help of the bizzarely named, but excellent Savoyan King Emmanuel-Phillibert recapture Lucce. Our own beloved, and only slightly manic King dies soon after and is replaced by Francis II who, though sharing the same name, and tastefully avoiding being another Louis is the worst monarch I have ever seen. If I had time, I’d send someone to kill him, as a housetrained dog has more diplomatic skills. That’s a little harsh, and I take it back, there would be no need for the dog to be housetrained. Unfortunately, before I can indulge in a bit of regicide I have a war to win and sheep, rather allies, to sheperd into a peace that benefits us all. I leave two standing orders that no document is to reach the King before it has been processed by the chancellor’s office first, and that the banquet knives should be extra sharp in case a Royal slip should leave us happily in the arms of a regency.

On July 18th our battle experience, and our scientists improve out army considerably, and the first muskets are issued to the troops. Hoping for better luck I order another assault on Venice, but somehow the city repulses Guise again. Calais falls to Turkey, but the horrendous reality of having Turkish neigbours is averted when the Mameluks end that war paying Turkey 47 bushels of wheat. On December 13th Guise and his survivors again assault Venice, and this time the city falls. I make immediate peace, and Venice is defeated for the first time, ceding Mantua to Savoie. Now it would be more convenient to have had Tuscany take the city, but as Savoy are our vassals we will be able to station troops in Mantua to help fight off any revolts. Spain however refuses to give up three provinces, and I have to reduce my demands to Artois for us, and Gerona for Savoie.

 

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PART 6
The bells of peace ring out on January 17th 1660 as The First War of Liberation is over. In the space of 4 years we have restored Artois to France, while bolstering Savoie with Mantua and Gerona. Only Hainault, which sticks out like a nasal boil remains in Spanish hands. Unfortunately the celebrations were too much for Guise, and he drops dead on February 23rd. I have his remains interred in Rheims, his persistence in the Italian war shall inspire the generations to come. The Scots had a busy war, they contributed nothing to the efforts in France, Spain or Italy except to take time out from their busy maneuvers to change religion to reformed. I consider throwing them out of the alliance, but we have another war to fight with England in the near future, and they should come in useful there. I send garrisons to Geronna and Mantua, I want to ensure that those territories stay in Savoyan hands, as in one stroke we have removed Venice and Spain from our borders. Unless Spain allies with Navarre, or develops parachutes we should be safe in the south. I remove all but a skeleton guard, and consolidate armies to make up for 4 years of war casualties. Moving them North in anticipation of out next strike aimed at the Netherlands.

The celebrations in France continue all year, we have twice humbled Spain, have the stongest military force in Europe, and the finest allies money can buy. The festivities are a welcome distraction from the monarch who adds little value to the glory of France. In September Brandenburg and Bohemia go to war with Saxony and Thuringen., and once again Russia declares war on Kazan. I consider making the trip to Russia, just to ask what it is they hope to achieve, but the Canadian fur trade is still in it’s infancy, and the necesity of keeping all 10 toes attached to my feet is greater than my curiosity. Our ignoble leader suddenly dies, and is replaced by Catherine de Medici, who acts as regent for the infant Dauphin. Poor Catherine had barely got over her husbands jousting accident, and now her first born is to be buried. Unsursprisingly, there is a high risk of revolt during the minority, and our government’s effectiveness is weaker. I make a note that the gene pool for our royals must be expanded at the next opportunity.

In 1561 Brandenburg is soundly defeated, paying 250 marks to Saxony, and I begin the shipment of Espagnephiles from our reconquered territories to the charming Canadian seaboard. We have enough malcontents to make one colonial settlement per year, and in light of our sudden expansion at home, I decide to concentrate development on one colony at a time. In a unique turnaround in the barren Russian steppes, Kazan is forced to give up Lipetsk and 112 carpets to the Russians. I just wonder if, after having war declared on them seven times, the Kazani officials truly believe in the sincerity of Russian peace treaties these days. By 1562 Austria wins Sudeten and 213 marks from Bohemia in the first fixture in what looks to be an early 30 years war.

I am impatient to attack the Dutch before they become part of an alliance, but allow my armies time to regroup and prepare for war. I hand the declaration over on February 8th 1563, just a month after Europe has digested the output from the Council of Trent. It would appear that the Papal States took my advice, they are a neutral country, with no army and have indeed been spending some time on religious affairs. It’s now quite holy to slaughter those parts of Europe who read the bible in a slightly different way to ourselves. Brushing aside such matters I order Montmeroncy to Flanders to clear a path for Bourbon with the siege force. On April 20th we get our first taste of Dutch steel when they rout our much larger army. Apparantly, the Dutch fight like demons, and are too much even for a good leader with better technology. I consider that I may have underestimated their fortitude, but send a reserve army to reinforce Artois, as it looks like the Dutch are now marching to hit Bourbon. On May 7th our vast weight of numbers, and timely reinforcement destroy William of Orange’s army, and after we pursue them to Luxembourg, the Dutch field force is no more. I send Bourbon’s artillery to Flanders, and Montmetoncy to lead another siege force in Luxembourg., we need to end this war before William comes back with more troops. On August 19th Catherine’s second son Charles IX comes of age and is coronated in Rheims. Hopefully he’ll live long enough to see the victory as the monarch-go-round we have been having these last few years is quite worrying.

While I am busy setting up the soon to be victory celebrations over Holland, England declares war. They have added Genoa to their mighty alliance with the Mamluks. I call on our allies, as the Scots may finally get to come out and play, and our Italian allies should deal with the upstart Genoese that dare to stand against us. The Genoese catch us by surprise however, and catch my tiny Milanese detachment alone, and destroy them. Our Milanese forces have now lost every battle in that city, and I’m beginning to doubt the fortitude of our Italian levies there. I hastily send the Rousillon garrison to Italy as Milan, the jewell of our Empire is under siege. The Savoyans and Tuscans siege Genoa, as our enemies are drawn to the lure of Milan more than the defense of their capital.

On October 22nd the threat to Milan is removed with a victory that will seal the war in Italy. After Flanders falls in December, I send that force to Calais to deal with the English foothold in our beloved country, and I am surprised to find out that Sweden is allied with Holland, as their fleet catches one of my naval detachments preparing to concentrate. As our naval technology leaves us in antiquated boats, using only papier-mache for weapons we are soundly thrashed in the Battle of Brittany Bay, and our fleet scampers back to Cherbourg. This worries me, if seven Swedish warships can gain superiority over our waters, how will I get a force into England to persuade them to give up Calais?

In 1564 Maximillian II of Austria is crowned Holy Roman Emperor, and I can applaud my own efforts in the Electors throwing the Spanish out of that position. Flanders falls on January 3rd, and before I can move the siege force to Zeeland, The Netherlands offer our historic lands in their offer of peace. I hurridly accept, and two more lost provinces are returned to the ever growing Empire of France. Unfortunately we still have a war to fight, so I put the celebrations on hold, and prepare to roll the dice on an invasion of England. The Scots are being soundly thrashed by England who have concentrated their forces against them. Strathclyde is about to fall, and the Scottish siege force in the marches have eaten each other. I decide then, that if we do get Calais in this peace, that I will bid Scotland a farewell from our alliance. They have served the purpose of distracting England, but the fighting qualities of their soldiers, and their refusal to land troops in Europe make them superflous to our needs. Since the death of King Antoine, the Lorraines are slightly less usefull now, as their aid to the war effort is to march an army across France to aid our siege of Calais. While I really appreciate the thought and effort they’re making, the fact that their army has looted every province they walked through is a persuasive argument that our next war should be to the East, the Lorraines have done more damage to France than all our enemies combined. On March 13th Calais falls, and the Lorraine army beats a path of destruction back through the already looted northern France to their homeland. In June Genoa falls, and the Savoyans take 156 florins in a separate peace. The Tuscans move in to see if they can extract some more money from England’s hapless allies.

As I continue to merge the invasion fleet, I notice that there are Cyrenaican galleys in the English channel. Perhaps they lost their way in a storm somewhere, as they are not involved in the war, but the sight of them is most peculiar occurrence. One can only imagine the living standards below decks on a galley in the English Channel after a six month voyage from Cyranaica, it must be one large sick bag by now. I make a white peace with Genoa, to save Tuscany the burden of replacing their siege force with the pittance they would surely receive from the looted and broke Genoans.

Napoleon asked Admiral Villeneuve to hold the English Channel for 3 hours to decide the fate of Europe, and that’s the task I set to Commodore Thibault. If we can get our army ashore, we can end the war quickly and complete the Second War of Liberation. Nervously I position the fleet, and our troops embark for glory. There is no sign of the English fleet, and we make an unopposed landing in Anglia in October 1564. The English are off hunting the Savoyan fleet, which by some John Wayne-type cavalry charge has managed to land troops in Strathclyde where the industrious Emmanual-Phillibert lays siege to liberate the Scots capital.

 

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PART 7
In January 1565 The Papal State (singular now) and Genoa become counter-reform Catholics, although I’m not sure how effective either will be in getting to Germany to force conversions. General Coligny shows up asking for a field commision, but as I cannot risk another channel crossing, I assign him to one of our standing armies in France, currently congratulating themselves on what smashing fighters they are. Savoy liberates Strathclyde and then move on to the Marches. I save everyone the bother of another fight when Anglia falls in March, and not willing to wait until the New Year when the English treasury will be full I ask for Calais and 500 pounds. Though we receive Calais, ourselves and allies split 3 crowns between us. I decide to make up the shortfall to Lorraine, Savoy and Tuscany with a generous series of subsidies for their part in the last 10 years of war. Our troops embark the transports home, but Le Duc de Bourbon dies en route, he may go down in history as the only French General to sack London, so I prepare for the somber burial arrangements to wait until after the victory celebrations are finished.

By July our position in Europe is cemented, we have now liberated all but one French province, and Hainault will not have to endure Spanish rule for long. Of our allies, Lorraine has increased by a province, Tuscany by two, and Savoie by three. Only Scotland has been unsuccessful, and I begin the preliminary work of finding an ally to replace them. The English performed well in Scotland, they were on their way to conquering the entire country before the Savoyans arrived to save the day. There are four contenders, Venice, as they would add security to our Italian coalition should Austria decide to meddle. Palatine, as they would be an asset should the Netherlands harbor any lingering resentment toward our eviction of the Dutch squatters from our lands. Helvetia, as a nice distraction to the Austrians, and solid block of mountain between Italy and Germany. Finally, and perhaps most surprisingly England, as that would save us the cost of any bushwars in the colonies where we are destined to be neighbors. I decide on Venice, with England as a backup should the Venetian alliance extend through wars. These are long term goals, as it may take ten years to repair relations with nations who hold the memory of our troop’s rapine habits being displayed in their capitals. For now we need to consolidate, help Savoie pacify their new lands, and decide on a strategy for another war against Spain. With the stolen maps, I intend to target their sugar islands in the Carribean as a second front, but for now, my only orders are to fortify Italy with the new style of fortresses our scientists have developed.

The long war has drained our treasury, and as I like to cut costs by never increasing the size of the peacetime army, this only works if we have a nice wad of cash stuffed under the matress just in case. I cut all spending, and try to maintain a constant 500 francs in the treasury, as that will enable the fast raising of armies should the jealous eyes of Europe focus on us. In 1566 I receive a bizzarely worded insult from the King of Portugal. He refers to our glorious monarch as “That French truffle sniffer, and licker of slime from the bottom of ponds.” Should I pass this on to anyone, we will have an excuse to go to war, so I decide to stuff it in my codpiece, and take it home before the council get a hold of it. I start a program of sending cash to Venice, and our efforts are rewarded when I secure the Doge’s cousin in a contract to marry the King’s daughter. Unfortunately, the Scourge of the Turks have entered a phase of military decline. Unless there is a Venetian province in Atlantis chock-a-block with soldiers, they have not one man in uniform. I rethink my plans to ally, but if the opportunity arises will still seize it, after all they must have money for troops somewhere.

In 1567 Quebec becomes the capital of New France, and the latest city in our modest Empire. I have no desire to settle Africa, or the expensive, and very deadly Indian coast, so the plan is to establish contigous blocks of territory in Canada, alternating between concentrating on a single colony, and expanding the borders to ensure no one else can get inside. The Savoyans are still at war with the English, and I send out a naval patrol to see if there is any fighting going on. Sure enough, the bloodthirsty Emannuel-Phillibert is wading through body parts chasing the English army round Ireland. The Savoyans show a persistence, and fiscal irresponsibility which makes me shudder.

The Savoie-England war continues into the new year and is joineed by another German war when Thuringia, Saxony, Palatine, and Hessen, attack Austria, Bavaria and Wurtemburg. I would be interested to see what’s going on, but all those nations despise us, and not even the stunning beauty of the princesses and comptesses I round up can tempt any of the Catholic combatants into marriage. In yet another dazzling reversal of firtune, the Russians prise Vorones and 205 roubles from Kazan in their annual snowball contest. I receive another diplomatic insult, this time from the Netherlands. It appears to suggest that our King enjoys lewdness with dykes; the Dutch kind keeping the North Sea at bay rather than the more modern translation. I smuggle it out of chambers, as for the last 6 years the King keeps insisting that we conquer Zeeland, and this might be enough to make us try. In 1569 Venice goes to war with Austria, and all their allies drop out, this is great, I’ll dump the Scots and invite the Venetians over for some brandy, but try as I might, even converting to counter-reform catholic for a day to get a cassus belli on the Scots, I cannot throw them out of the alliance. Apparantly, my couriers set off with the best intentions, but by the time the Scottish nobles, and the open ended supplies of their whisky distilleries have worked their charms, my courier forgets why he is supposed to be there. I will have to wait for the alliance to expire naturaly, I just hope the Venetians are still flying solo at that point.

It appears to be pick-on-Venice year as the Danish and Hansa alliances declare war on the hapless merchants, but all their allies come down with a spell of pascifism, so the wars will be fought from the relatively long no-mans land of 400 miles. Bavaria receive 250 florins for their part in defending Austria from the menace that is Venice, and the 10 year old England-Savoie war ends with our vassals collecting Leinster. When I compose myself from frequent bouts of hysteria, I travel to England to begin the bonding between our nations. Venice has joined with the Knights and is fighting three wars, so my faith in an alliance with them is severely hampered thus England is the lucky target of our money. I have sentimental reasons to begin negotiations personally, as I have been looking forward to re-meeting Walsingham for quite some time now. Unfortunately, my current incarnation is his mortal enemy, and though I take several chests stuffed with gold, and a few ladies in waiting for their Queen I am looked upon like some kind of pit-viper and shunned in court.

In a surprising jihad I was unaware of, the Turks take Serbia and Moldavia from Austria. All the good early work by Venice is being destroyed by the morons in Vienna, who insist on fighting Germans instead of their real enemy. Through some diplomatic protocol I missed, Austria is still at war with Hedjaz, and takes Syria in the peace. If I had the time, I would travel to Austria to learn a little more about the feat of seizing Syria. How the Austrian knights managed to walk all the way to Syria, storm the city, and hold on in the middle of the desert would make the more mundane exploits that the rest of Europe has been indulging in pale in comparison. I consider sending money to Austria, just in admiration of their achievement, but I fear that the Austrian king might start another war and walk his men to Narvik.

On June 4th 1574 we finaly get our first half decent King since Francis, when Henri III ascends the throne of France and Italy. We bury another war hero as Montmorency makes the long trip skywards in March. Despite Austria starting yet another German War in December1576, just three days later Rudolph is proclaimed Holy Roman Emperor. Wurtemburg, Bavaria, Spain, Helvetia and Georgia are now in the Austrian alliance, and they attack Poland, whose allies all deserted her long ago, except for unfortunate Bohemia. That Kingdom is about to feel the shudder of cavalry from all Austria’s allies just weeks after the war begins. In an effort to hang on to Syria and concentrate on destroying Poland, Austria hands over 250 marks to the Mameluks, who no doubt had to ask for help in drafting a treaty demand, rather their more usual practice of asking which province the invaders would like to take.

 

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PART 8
All hell breaks loose in Europe, as within days Denmark, and ally Russia declare war on Sweden and Pskov, followed by Russia, and ally Denmark declare war on who else but Kazan. You know lads, how about not being too greedy and only having one war at a time. I await news of Kazani cavalry using the Kremlin as a stables anon. I decide that with the sudden rush of wars, to strengthen the fortifications in the provinces around Paris. In 1578 the diplomatic situation in Eastern Europe takes another turn for the worse. Bohemia pays 250 marks to Austria, and on the same day joins Poland, who is still at war with Austria in their attack on Kazan. I’m sure that rather being the endless empty steppes, there are significant traffic problems out east as the soldiers of about 15 nations are stumbling over each other, and attacking just about anything in sight. Sadly, we are not privy to the details, as of course, we are despised around Europe. Sweden pays off Denmark with 250 butter pats, and I suddenly realize how successful the Danes have been. They expanded early, and have held on to their original territory. If I was on speaking terms with their emissary I would pat him on the back, but as is I have to watch from afar. The Golden Horde, who are also mixed up in the whole mess give up Bogjutar and 175 scimitars to Poland, and of course Russia and Kazan play out a goaless draw to a white peace. The Dauphin Henry takes field command, along with another of the Guise family, but of course there is nothing for them to do. I have shelved all plans to attack Spain, as the madmen in the courts of Europe appear particularly bloodthirsty at present. Instead, I decide to step back from the reins of power for a while. My wife has finally reached majority, and has the spectacular Italian features that can turn the conqueror of Spain’s legs to jelly. We’re at peace, there is little to do except pay money to England and wait for their alliance to expire, and continue the slow process of building up New France. Although my assistants aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, no one can screw up plans that simple, so I take a short retirement, reading the diplomatic bag from time to time, and allowing the country to run itself.

We tour Italy, and the lazy days, and hectic nights are only occasionaly disturbed. England goes to war with Scotland, but only gets 84 McEwans for their efforts. Austria starts another war with Poland, dragging all Germany into the fray, and seizing on this opportunity, the entire Muslim world, and I do mean the entire Muslim world declares war on Austria.

After 10 years of splendid luxury, I have no desire to return yet, and am informed of new weapon manufacturies being built, in New France expanding, and the fact that Austria is getting the treatment Poland did earlier. They give up Sudeten to Hansa, and Ostmarch to Saxony. Henry tires of latrine duty in Gerona, and ascends the throne, but the only bad news is that every time England’s alliance is set to expire, one of their allies declares war and extends the alliance another 10 years. By 1590, and with considerable help from us, Savoie has pacified both Mantua and Gerona. The Edict of Tolerance is announced in November 1594, and a wise member of our council sends money, and a duchess to Helvetia, slowly improving relations with the mountain people there.

Europe continues the path of military chaos, though no major provinces change hands. Russia continues going to war with Kazan every 2 years, and Austria the same with any particular German State the Emperor takes a dislike to. Within 1 month of England’s alliance expiring they declare war on Austria, and I inform our diplomatic corps to cease the search for more allies. It’s an impossible task, only our own alliance expires, the rest constantly recycle with the frequent warring.

When Sophia, Comptess de Verona, Milan and Burgogne dies in 1603 I return to work in an effort to bury my grief. We were fortunate to have had such peacefull times together, however knowing her practicaly her entire life makes the passing hard, and I vow to avoid another Royal marriage. I step back into the Tulleries in Paris, and seize control, pretty much where it was before. France has been at peace for almost 50 years, the economy is booming, the colonies growing, and the treasury now requires it’s own building to hold all the gold. Perhaps it’s coincedence, perhaps not, but barely a week after returning home, and preparing to travel to England as their alliance is about to expire, on October 11th 1603 England declares another war. This time, I am shocked and appalled that they have declared war on us. We have excellent relations, and must have shipped 1000 crowns across La Manche, but England declares war. The ungrateful bastards bring The Mameluks, Genoa, The Teutonic Order, Iroquois and Portugal into the war. I decide not to call on our allies, as the memory of the Lorraine army looting and burning their way across France, and the 10 year war Savoie fought are still in my memory. Only England, Genoa, and Iroquois can do any damage, and with the money we have in the bank, we should be able to end this conflict tout suite.

I order the colonial forces to concentrate and prepare to rampage through England’s undefended territory bordering our own. I send a siege force to Genoa, and another to Calais to prepare for an invasion of England. Before the ink on my order has dried I receive a declaration of war from Austria. They are joined by Helvetia, Spain, Wurtemburg, Georgia, Bavaria and Crimea. The price we pay for 50 years of peace is to be at war with most of Europe, this time I call for my allies as the odds of our intact survival have shortened. Every province close to our borders begin raising troops, we’re going to need plenty as we are for the first time without any decent military commander.

 

[hjarg]

Heh, brilliant as always. Only I got Calais in 1493. Blitzed England- main army storming Calais wile 2000 calavry riding through unoccupied provinces of Ireland. Ended the war within 3 months, and got a nice bag of gold and Calais. Easier that way.

Reading your AARs is a pleasure, especially when the work gets too boring. Thank god you exist.

And now we know whom to blame for that Nostrodamus crap we are getting You bastard!

 

[Vandelay]

Sean, you're a definite menace to the work-morale of the National Heritage Board of Sweden!

Excellent AAR.

/Vandelay

 

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Sean, I want to reinforce the views of our Swedish friend that you are a threat to a productive work day. I love your AARs and look forward to each new installment. Keep up the good work.

Kane

 

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Second only to your English one Sean. I simply had to use my first post on the forums to bow before the master. These AARs sustained me before the game was available, but yours achieve the mighty feat of actually competing with playing the game. Reading your adventure stories ranks right between EU and sleeping on my hierarchy of needs these last few weeks.

 

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Now playing Spain, but after reading your AAR (when does it come out as an HBO series ?) I want to go home and start a new games as La Belle France.