A History Of England Part III 1539-1574

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Part 1

1539 is a quiet year, I decide to fortify the unprotected home provinces, just in case, and I pass the Governor of Roanoke a city charter for Jamestown. We now have our first colonial city. History got warped a little as The King sired a son two years late. The joy in the Kings face turned to mourning as his wife died in childbirth. It's now that I put my anti-Wolsley plan into effect. I keep Cromwell at home and send the Cardinal off to negotiate a Royal marriage with Kleeves. Henry marries Anne, but shortly after the priest said kiss the bride, Henry took a good look at his new wife, and sent her and her dowry back to Germany. The divorce papers were signed before a certificate of marriage was issued. I had hoped that Wolsley would take the blame, but it was Cromwell who met the axe-man for the marriage fiasco. The next marriage is to Catherine Parr, and I know this is going to cause trouble. I move my offices to London to get as far away from Court as possible. Katie has always been a little free with her favors, and the rumors are she doesn't take no for an answer.

The next two years are marred only by the periodic revolts by those ungrateful French rebels in Berri and Borgogne. Can't they see how much better off they are under our rule? On February 1st 1541 I get an urgent message from Klinsman, the French have declared war on Palatine and he asks for our help. We note that Palatine has an army of 90,000 men in Germany, but they cannot reach their beleageared comrades in France, so we graciously agree to help out our oldest friends. I walk the short distance to the residence of Zidane in Whitehall, and note that same look on his face. I really feel for the man, and after I hand him our declaration of war, I advise him to go speak to Wolsley who has some very creative ideas about 'retiring' unwanted royalty. It's taken a long time, but I can now walk down the streets without holding a perfumed 'kerchief to my nose. I spent the first ten years of my new life in a constant state of nausea brought on by the hideous odors that most people here have taken for granted. Since my rise in status, I have been able to have a considerable influence on the fashion world, and people have begun to bathe frequently. I look back and laugh that not twenty years ago, I would pass out if more than a few people walked into my office. Chuckling to myself, I avoid the contents of a bed pan being deposited on the street, and head to the King's residence to tell him we are again at war.

Gone are the days when our fight with France took a huge alliance, and a lot of luck to win. I order Brandon’s 20,000 men, equally split between horse and foot to march to Vendee and destroy the French army there. Exeter is sent to Paris, where he joins 15,000 Palatine veterans, most of whom must be having a sense of deja vu besieging the same city again and again. I decide to allow the fleet to join the fun, and move them out to patrol the French coastline. In March, Brandon claims another battle honor as he sends the French army packing from Vendee. He pursues them towards Moribhan where a few weeks later a land and sea battle rage within miles of each other. On land, Brandon catches the exhausted army, together with freshly conscipted levies and slaughters 8000. A few miles off the coast, Commodore Newcastle's fleet of 36 warships catches 6 French ships in the water. I retire to bed expecting more good news in the morning, but I am awoken during the night to receive news of another naval disaster. The French were reinforced by another 6 ships, and 3:1 odds in our favor were too much for my leaderless navy. During a later interrogation of a ship's captain, I dismiss his excuse that the French had these new pointy helmets that looked terrifying. I order Commodore Newcastle to my country estate, where he and his officers will spend the summer emptying my septic tank.

On June 1st fish and chips are served in Paris, for those keeping score, that's the eleventh fall of the French capital. I imagine that Francoise was in restraints when his ministers made peace with Palatine. 183 francs are divied up between the allies, although I think it a little unfair that the Hessians get an equal share for their part in the war. As encouraging as their letters were, they don't have to rebuild the infantry we lost during our pursuit of the French army. Newcastle's flagship the Mary Rose sinks in Southampton, dammit now I know why I went to such lengths to have the fleet based in Cornwall. Oh well, it will give the marine archeaologists something to do 500 years from now. I rebuild our three French armies, and crush another revolt in Burgogne. We now have a respectable continental army, two forces of 10,000 men and 80 guns for sieges, and Brandons 28,000 including a cavalry of 14,000 for the mobile battles. I don't bother to go to France to oversee the war, as Catherine Parr's indescretions earn her a trip to the block. Henry settles for Catherine Howard, a more homely woman, but an honest one. I don't even think of trying to set up a Royal marriage, news of the mortality rate of Henry's wives has reached the courts of Europe. We do marry off a couple of girls to the Saxons and Bohemians, and we are alarmed to note that neither of those nations have yet recovered from the Great German War, and both look ripe to be plucked should the Austrians muster up the idea.

The next few years are the longest stretch of peace I can remember. The scandal of Catherine Parr affects our government stability for a while, and our investment in infrastructure is lost. We are still a long way from being able to promote governors. After nearly ten years of Protestantism, I order an audit of our kingdom, I find that our monthly income has shot up to 84.5 of which we bank 2 guineas, while our yearly total is 1419, with 351 coming from the annual census tax. Inflation has risen to 9%, pretty in line with the rest of Europe. We establish a new colony in Adirondack, the furs there should bring in a profit once we get enough scum to settle there.

I have an appointment with Zidane, and the grey haired, nervous man before me is just a shadow of his former self. He is considering asking for political asylum here, as he regrets to inform me that his nation is once again at war. Francoise has declared war on Lorraine, I wish the consulate luck and ask him to keep me informed of developments. On July 1st, France wins a battle at Auxerre, then sieges Nivernais. We have no idea what is going on in the war further east, but the Lorraine flag flies above Helvetia briefly, before Savoy reclaims their province.

It takes until 1544 for Nivernaise to fall, and then the French march into the oblivion beyond our spies to battle Lorraine. In August 1545 we incorporate the city of New Albion in Monterrey province. The gold revenue from there should help ease the burden on our treasury. Our nation mourns another death before the month has passed, as Brandon, Duke of Berri shuffles off this mortal coil. Every bit the equal of Norfolk, I arrange for him to be interred in Westminster. The pair of them lying side by side are responsible for the prosperity and security our nation now enjoys. For the living, I worry that we have no Generals worth a damn in the field. While Exeter can manage a siege, it's hard to think of him executing a pursuit across country. I worry, and wonder when the next great leader will emerge.

The French finally have a victory! They prise Nivernaise from the cold dead hands of the King of Lorraine, and make off with 191 francs. No doubt Francoise is overjoyed. When I hear the news I go on a weeks binge of drinking and ranting about the Austrians. It cost us a fortune on gold and blood to aid the Lorraine, and in the few short years of their vassalage, the Austrians hung them out to dry. 70,000 Austrian troops observed the fighting of their vassals, but as that Habsburg git didn't bother to make Lorraine an ally, all they could do was watch while France tore their tiny army apart. I issue a proclomation banning Vienna cake, the penalty is death for selling the pastry, a little harsh, but I am unhinged by these developments.

In January 1546 the King opens the Brandon Library and Bath House in London. It's my duty to promote culture here, so I opt for literacy and hygene instead of those poncy Italian arts centers that have been springing up around Christendom. Henry is not doing too well, he's on his last legs, but living out his retirement in enjoyable fashion. His son and heir is still a child, but I am confident that I will be named Regent before the Great King's death and that stability and prosperity will continue.

 

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Part 2

In February 1547 we laid to rest His Majesty King Henry VIII. His noble and glorious reign has seen unprecedented growth in our country. Although not the military equal of Austria, or as rich as the Spanish, we have turned the kingdom around from the backwater it once was in 1492. King Edward VI is crowned King of England, Ireland and France, and for the first time, I don't laugh when I hear that last bit. Edward Seymour is named Regent, I remain a humble minister, and the problem is that the juanta who are now running the country are bloody useless. Our diplomacy, economic, and military might are all in decline, and though I wish the boy no harm I hope that he either hurries up and dies, or assumes adulthood. Eddie got very lucky with his genes. He has his father's gift for athletics (which came as a shock to me having read the tradtional history) and his grandfather's gift for study, and he is the first Tudor not to sound like Tom Jones. I accompany the Royal party on a tour of the nation, we avoid Roanoke and Monterray, but survey our Irish, French and English possessions. The Scottish King has also died leaving a regency, and their first actions are to join the growing list of Protestant nations. I hurridly set up a marriage between Edward (10) and Margaret (7) but in the interests of taste and decency, we all agree that the happy couple will remain seperated in their own kingdoms until Edward reaches 18.

July 18th 1548: The leisurely life of watching the kingdom run in peace is shattered in July 1548 when Colonel Giresse, the French attache storms into my office and announces that France is now at war with Palatine. I'm getting sick of this. Each one of these wars extends our alliance, in which we are not the leaders, so we are prevented in dabbling in European diplomacy. Despite our lack of leadership in the field, I vow to make the French pay dearly this time, and resisting the urge to insert a sharp implement into Giresses' belly I simply announce that we too are at war.

To my surprise when the official war documents arrive on my desk, I notice that the Swedes have joined France, and that Austria has joined our alliance. France is now at war with the two largest military machines on earth. The Poles should get a bit a shock this time, as they may see some action. Although Francoise died this year, his son has inherited the same unstable mind, and the war begins. I hastily pack for Orleans, I will have to direct this campaign more personally.

I swore to the late Enrique Cantona, that the next French war would be the last, so I intend to be in this one for the long haul. As usual we have two siege forces and one mobile force, we send dispatch riders to each and move them to Auvergne and Poitou. Our mobile force sits in Orleans. The Paletines head for where else but Paris, and 120,000 Austrians begin a treck towards Savoy.

In November, we catch the French on the march, and bloody their nose in Orleannaise, while the Austrians storm the gates of Helvetia, easily taking the province. As the year turns, and we head into 1549 Calvin makes his appearance on the international stage. There is now a new brand of Protestantism. I shrug, and instruct our magistrates to be tolerant to all Christian faiths. Provided sedition is not preached from the pulpit, I don't care what they do. Austrian troops are at the gates of Savoy, and we see this as a time to make peace with Savoy. Not only will this allow us to negotiate our own peace, but it ensures that no Savoyan troops can bail out the helpless French. On the Eastern Front, the Poles attack into Moravia, all the Austrians appear to be on a Meditteranean spree, so the Poles are unmolested. Showing a diplomatic acumen more sophisticated than most nations, Austria makes peace with Savoy, taking Helvetia, and then turn around to march on the Poles.

To my complete shock 22,000 Neopolitans show up in Anglia, and besiege London. I only have 9000 troops stationed in England, and not one area has a decent fortress. I have no money for troops, and resist taking out a loan, so I play a waiting game with my force in Bristol. In March, both Poitou and Armour fall to our cannon, meanwhile the Naples army assaults London. By April, I have maneuvered my home army to Lincoln, and then send them into London. Although outnumbered, we have again timed our assault correctly, as the Neopolitans run with hardly a shot being fired. Then there ensues a pursuit around the entire country, as we chase the Naples army, and nibble away, never letting them rest or regain their strength.

France stings us in May with a victory at Bourgogne, although we have the numbers our men break and suffer hideous losses. they fail to follow up however, and instead march on Paris. The Poles capture Moravia, and set out towards Vienna. It struck me as ironic that having saved Vienna in real history, the Poles were now on their way to destroy it, while the Turks sit at home like tame puppies. At the beggining of June I am rushed to my bed and attended by my physicians. When the fever breaks a week later I remember what it was that gave me such apoplexy: the Georgians landed in Ireland. I don't know how they got there, but having sailed from the Eastern Black sea, round Gibraltar and eluding our navy they reach Connaught. Our Irish Guards are caught napping, and given a slight bleeding during a sharp encounter near Galway.

Having recovered my health I order our mobile army back to Burgogne, the boogy men from France are off fighting Palatines so I assure my army that it's safe. We catch a retreating French force made up entirely of infantry, and our cavalry strong force slay 10,000 of them. This is the battle I wanted, we have destroyed the French army.We pursue into Bearn and widow another 10,000 French women, our siege forces will be free to roam until the end of the war. By August, the Paletines have left Paris and stormed Nivernaise, they turn back around and siege Paris until December, when army number 12 breakfasts in the city. Meanwhile our Irish force, throw the Georgians into the sea, what's next Swedes in Wales? The Austrians continue to play the good ally, they try to recapture Moravia while the Poles take Ostmarch.

We're into year two of the war, it is for us going at a leisurely pace. Our home army continues the new sport of chasing Neopolitans between the Marches and Yorkshire, while in France, all Brittany, and now Gascogne have fallen to our troops. The French are running out of provinces to raise men. In August 1550, the French make peace with Paletine, our old friends and allys gain Nivernaise, and 206 baguettes. No doubt the French hope to buy us off with a couple of cheap provinces, and prepare for the next war, but we deny every peace offer they make. In October, the Spanish lose control of the Netherlands, from Friesen to Flanders, as the Dutch proclaim their independence. They are at war with Spain, but I don't think that Artois, Hainault and Luxembourg will levy enough troops to be able to reconquer them. We don't have enough diplomats to spare, as the idiots running the country can barely read or write, so I can’t make any diplomatic gestures towards our new bretheren in Amsterdam. We attempt to make peace with the Poles, Swedes, Georgians, and Neopolitans, but they all refuse our kind offers not to annihalate them.

I have twin shocks at the end of the year, when our exhausted troops in England are wiped out by fresh Naples reserves. I hastily recruit a new army. The Georgians must have taken a wrong turn at Rockall because their 3000 soldier show up in Roanoke. The mayor of Roanoke believing them to be fresh colonists, goes to the docks to welcome them, but gets a rude awakening when he sees a strange flag sitting atop the masts. How on earth did they find Roanoke? Fortunately, I had 5,000 colonial cavalry sitting around playing dice there, and they jump at the chance of action, ensuring that there are no Georgian survivors. If the Cyrenaicans show up in Monterrey I'm going to jump out of the Tower of London.

By May 1551, we have taken all but 3 French provinces, and we have ensured that those three are looted. We decide to annexe Poitou and Gascogne which ensures that France should never have the power to make war again. The remnants of France are now split into 4 seperate areas. They have Ile De France in the Northeast, Bearn in the Southwest, 4 provinces in the Northwest, and 6 in the Southeast. France is divided by Spain, England and Palatine. They're Savoyan partners are borderded by the Austrians thanks to the fifth change of ownership of Helvetia. France should not be able to sustain a war effort being so divided, and as a bonus we re-aquire our possessions from the zenith of the Hundred Years War. I'm feeling particularly nasty during the peace negotiations, so I add clauses that the French King be required to wear a garlic lei at all times outside his bedchamber, and that twice each year, he must recite the Kings of England from 1066 onwards to our ambassador. I can't see this peace lasting, next time I intend to take the remaining Biscayan coast.

 

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Part 3

Once again the war was a win for all our allies, Palatine now has 70k troops in France, and 100k in Germany. Our decision to join them and not Scotland after our Protestant conversion looks to be a good one. I return home, and spend the rest of the year executing naval officers. I spare only two: Chancellor and Willoughby when they agree to go map out the African coastline for me.

The beginning of 1552 is marked by the annexation of Prussia by Poland. I suspect the Prussians had a Royal marriage with France at some point as their King had the same suicidal gene. Prussia had no allies and only one province, yet felt confident that they could defeat Poland. I send another explorer, Frobisher to map out South America, but our series of naval disasters continues when he is beaten by pirates every time he sets out. The next eighteen months are quiet, until the kingdom suffers a series of terrible blows. Both Chancellor and Willoughby die without discovering more than a handful of provinces, but the greatest death occurs in June when Edward VI dies at the age of 16. I take the loss very hard, being there at his birth, when he took his first steps, his first words, and later, his first Latin and Greek words. Edward was a child during a peaceful moment in our realm, and having no children of my own I spent many days with him. At his funeral, my thougths turn to my own mortality, or rather the lack of it. I have served and buried three Kings, yet I have not aged since my mysterious arrival. Even stranger is that no one else appears to have noticed it. I have never truely tried to work out how I got here, the business of state consumes almost all my time, but the sadness of this occasion makes me reflect on unanswerable questions.

Fortunately my melancholy is snapped very quickly by the hideous reality of Mary ascending the throne. The last Queen of England sparked a civil war in the 12th century. There is no reason to believe that this one will be any different. Knowing that there may be religious problems ahead, Henry VIII's Act of Supremacy included clauses ensuring the authority of parliament. Through a series of happy accidents and murders, I have been able to ensure that parliament is filled with Protestants as well as Catholics, and have been ably assisted in that task by a new protogee, Francis Walsingham. His fanatical devotion to puritanism is matched by his machine-like mind, and conscience-less ability to commit homocide. He is the perfect tool to ensure peace in the forthcoming years. As Frederick Barbarossa said, you can't have an omelette unless you crack a few eggs, and Frankie is the perfect chef. Mary demands an audience with me, and I go with a heavy heart. I know she blames me for the treatment of her mother, I gather that the only reason I am alive is because I am a Catholic. Our new monarch wants to reverse our state religion, I point her in the direction of parliament and wish her luck, abruptly taking my leave. I move my headquarters to Orleans as quickly as I can pack.

When I am not ensuring my own safety, I send colonists to establish territory in Santee and Carolina. We have been alone in America for a long time, but I'm sure that's all about to change. If the Georgians know the way, I'm sure the rest of Europe does too. In 1555, we establish a colony in Senegal, it will be a useful staging post in the exploration of Africa. in december, I get a request to return to England. I have ignored many of those dispatches before, but this time, a company of the Queen's bodyguard showed up to ensure my compliance. When I am presented before the Queen, she announces my dismissal, and arrest for suspected treason. Fortunately, I packed Walsingham off to Mainz just in case this happened. My firing, and the subsequent witch hunt within the government leads to a catastrophic political crisis. Our researchers work is destroyed, and the finest minds in the country flee to Palatine. My time in the Tower is quite comfortable, and I am kept abrest of current events by a wounded veteran of the French wars who delivers The Times to me each morning. It would appear that Mary loves the smell of burning heretic in the morning by the number of pyres being torched up and down the country.

For the next two years, I sit and observe the world from my confinement. In October 1557 Spain goes to war with France, and after a short war take Bearn and Guyenne in the peace. This is terrible news, the constant war with France has been draining our resources, and almost all of our veteran soldiers were slaughtered in uprisings in Poitou and Gascoigne. Now that the Spanish have grown more pewerful, and closer to our demense we may be in for some troubling times ahead. I get a pleasant surprise that year, as Princess Elizabeth joins me in confinement, I haven't seen her since she was a baby but she's the spitting image of her mother. I am dissapointed that she does not share her mothers love for extra curricular activities, as it would have passed the time quite superbly.

I'm snapped out of my sabbatical in November of 1558 when Mary dies right on schedule. Her sister assumes the crown, and her first order is to restore me to Lord Chancellor. I don't have time to enjoy my restoration, as a few weeks later guess who came calling. Yes, the French declared war again. I'm getting pretty sick of their antics, I was sure we destroyed them last time, but no they're back for more. They catch us at an opportune moment. Our army is tattered from the constant revolts in the South. Fortunately, I had the sense to station our artillery in the safe province of Orleans, so we have a siege army ready, and they set off to Vendee. The Palatines keep France busy while we recruit some soldiers. I get Walsingham back from Mainz as quickly as possible to help improve our political stability at home.

In June 1559 we receive a shock when the Swedes and Poles show up in Anglia. Not even Admiral Howard has improved the performance of our navy. I must admit to being part of the problem, I have not commisioned a new warship in over 20 years, and our fleet of 21 dated caravels is not enough to secure the islands. We get crushed by the Naples and French fleet in the channel in July, and more foreign troops come ashore. Fortunately, their numbers are so small, that even our puny fortresses can hold out for a year. We quickly assault Vendee, and move on to Armour while the Palatines pick up 102 croissants in return for promising that their army stops using Paris as a latrine.

Our new mobile army strikes in September, killing 3000 crapauds sieging Poitou, but we are defeated in Roanoke, Anglia and Lincoln. Fortunately we take Armour very quickly and sue for peace, picking up 250 francs (we sent the peace proposal in on January 1st 1560, right after their yearly tax was collected.) I breathe a sigh of relief, but that soon changes when the Palatine changes to Reformed Protestant and abandons the alliance. This turns out to be a blessing in disguise as we are next on the totem Pole and take over the alliance. I am tempted to ask the Palatines back immediately, but I remember the torrent of abuse I received last time we differed in faith. I send a boatload of money to Mainz in the name of good relations, and pray no one else allies with them. I am rewarded on February 2nd when Palatine joins Kleeves, Austria and ourselves as the most powerfull alliance in Europe.

On June 23rd Spain declares war with Georgia. I thought I was hallucinating when I read the report, but no it's true. This is a thinly disguised attack on France as they are part of the Georgian alliance, and when the dust settles, and Spanish troops leave the burning rubble of Paris, Phillip of Spain has collected Languedoc to his huge empire. My nerves are even more on edge when I notice Scotland turning out for the Spanish, I start drinking heavily when I realize that in my abscence Spain allied with Scotland. Heaven help us if they attack now, were in a worse position than 1492.

Scotland changes religion in 1561 going reformed, but they are still allied with Spain. Ambition makes strange bedfellows, I say a prayer each night that Spain is kept busy elsewhere until they become counter reformed and cannot ally with our highland friends. Holland is struck by civil war, and I can't help but regret the day we set foot in France. Between us all we have destroyed a major power who declares war every 5 years on us, and in the vacuum which has followed Spain has grown all powerful. I need to start some major military spending to protect our borders, while continuing the colonization of America and getting enough staging posts in Africa so that we can go on to the riches of India.

The situation is very tricky, and Liz faces dangers now as troubling as her counterpart did in the history that I read. Happily, Spain's strategy of a war on Georgia has backfired, as that country will not even send delegates to the peace conference. If I had any money in the treasury, I'd send it there, just to help keep them fighting. I have a lot of work to do, and the pleasures of courtly life and love have to take a back seat. Elizabeth's hold on the throne is precarious, only backed up the slowly rebuilding army. Unfortunately, her father made her a bastard by nullifying his marriage to Anne Bolyen, so there are conspiracies at home to have her removed by the Catholic nobility. Fortunately, Walsingham and his cronies are very skilled at weeding out confessions from prospective traitors.

 

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Part 4

Aside from building up the army to face the ladies from hell north of the border, I continue giving aid to those who wish to leave our troubled land and set up a new life in the colonies. The diplomatic scene is frenzied, we wine, dine, and bribe half the European nobility to increase our status on the continent, and have our Royal claim to the lands of France confirmed. In 1563 the Dutch finally supress their civil war, thanks to our aid, and gratefully join our alliance. I marry off a couple of nobles with dubious amounts of Royal blood to Saxony, and Bohemia, those nations are still crippled from the German War, and look as though they may be eaten by Poland, or Austria.

On February 17th 1566 our peace is shattered, when once again Henry the Even Madder Than His Father of France declares war. They have no standing army, and look like they will be hoping for Savoy to do all the fighting. The Savoyans however have other problems, namely 80,000 Krauts sitting in Helvetia who enjoy nothing more than departing their lakeside residences for a summer on the Cote D'Azure. The next month, Kazan, tired of fighting only Russia decide to declare unilateral war on Poland, good luck lads. Kazan's chances are remote, as Generals Lato, Denya and Tomasjewski have flattened all foes in their path the last few years.

We send our siege party to Paris where the 80 guns tear into the walls. The only problem is that the English army is joined there by 40,000 Palatine infantry who serve no purpose other than to ensure that both our armies starve to death. There simply aren't enough crepes for us all. In August Paris falls (yawn) and as Henry of Anjou is at war with all his neighbors, he has to exit Paris disguised as a scullery maid. The Turks have finally woken up and realized that they are supposed to be the scourge of all their neighbours, and after a short but one can assume very bloody war, they add Syria, Sinai and Judea to their Empire. This is good news for me, the longer the Mad Mullah in Constantinople spends attacking his Moslem foes, the easier it will be on our Austrian friends.

While the war continues we send a boatload of French prisoners to Namaqua in South Africa. They receive lessons in English and cricket during the arduous boat ride to ensure that they remain good citizens of Queen Bess. An interesting development occurs in Savoy, where the Palatine and Austrian siege force is joined by a contingent of Spaniards still at war due to their Georgian debacle. On the northern tip of France, boatloads of Swedes show up in Flanders, and combined with the Poles take the city from Spain. I'm glad they picked Spain to fight instead of us, as they appear quite determined. The surviving Palatines from the siege of Paris head to Limousin where they siege and assualt for the next several months. Savoy, bankrupt and ruined make peace with Spain, giving up Nice, and I dissapoint the vacationing Austrians by making a white peace with Savoy. I don't want another country to dissapear to Austrian rule.

 

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Part 5

Still seething from the licking the Venetians gave him at the turn of the century, the Pope announces the results of The Council of Trent. I receive my copy from Cardinal Schillachi, and the contents make quite interesting reading. Apart from the preamble concerning hell, and heretics etc, the gist of the announcement is that Elizabeth's rule of England is revoked by God himself, and that any man who kills her, or attempts to kill her will be rewarded in paradise. I think Schillachi must have spent far too long in Turkey as there is a certain ring of jihad about the communique. I decide to double the guard on the Queen just in case, and when I hear that all the Protestant States of Northern Europe received the same declaration, I can only assume that they used their copies as I did in the privies, The Pope has the best paper.

I have devastated France, and am now patiently waiting for Limousin to fall to Palatine before making another peace with France. The Swedes meanwhile continue to repulse all Spanish attacks on Flanders, score one for the good guys, even if they are our nominal enemies. The Elector of Hannover decides that he needs to get in on all this fun and declares war on Hess. Our siege of Paris had a nice side affect as we get access to the French shipping routes. Their explorers were much more successful than mine, so I send a party of Parisian shopkeepers to Yanam in India.

I am camped outside the French consulate waiting for the moment Limousin falls, when I receive the news that General Voller has taken the city. I stride in and lay out our peace proposal. The Peace of Amiens requires that the French King shall no longer be permitted walk on two legs. He is required to hop, or walk on his hands should he venture out of the Royal Palace. Sub clauses in the treaty cede Vendee to England and Limousin to Palatine, and whatever cash is left in the treasury. This is a bargain for the French as they have no provinces unconquered, but I detect a hint of resentment there which will probably result in another war in a few years.

As the New Year dawns both the Austrians and Papal States become counter reformed. I care nothing for what the Austrians do to Protestants in their Empire because they remain our friends and trusted allies. The Emperor is far more interested in the more worldly pursuits of a stable alliance, than the etheral promise of a staircase to eternal paradise built on protestant skulls. Hesse gives up the will to fight, and 250 Becks to Hanover. Having sat back and waited for a winner to emerge in Northern Germany, I now back the Hanoverian horse, sending generous amounts of spices, tea and young Indian boys to the Elector, until he agrees to become our vassal. The Austrians meanwhile are defeated by the Poles, they give up 250 and Moravia to the Eastern horde. I have mixed feelings about that, stuck in this eternally extending alliance, we are married to Austria for better or worse. If they decide on a revenge war in Poland we will get stuck fighting France, Savoy, and the surpringly aquatic Swedes. The Spaniards opt for the Counter Reform party, and we anxiously send diplomats to Scotland, however the Spanish monopoly on certain South American product has ensured that the drunken sod who calls himself a King in Edinburgh remains in the Spanish camp.

For the next several years we are embroiled in a cold war with Spain. The colonies of Sacremento and Delaware are now cities, and we are concentrating on building Yanam into a city base from which to strike out in India. Our total failure to find a decent port on either the East or West of Africa makes supplying troops to the hostile Indian states impossible, so Yanam needs a certain degree of self-sufficiency before we expand. Kazan finds less luck against Poland than they did with Russia, giving up 28 wicker baskets and Vorones. From our side of the spice curtain we see that Burgundy has declared itself independent. We finance their war efforts against Spain, but they stubbornly refuse to join our alliance. Spain's logistical problems are worsened when valiant freedom fighters rise up in Lyonnaise. Unfortunately, the men of Lyons can't decide on a name for their country and so Spain crushes them as rebel scum. The leaders of the revolt have their balls sent to Madrid, while the other participants are deported to the Spanish colonies.

Our North American possessions are consolidating nicely, Chesapeak becomes a city, and we have enough potential levies there to defend themselves should trouble arise. Hanover joins our alliance, and we increase our meddling in German affairs by vassalizing Brandenburg. By 1573 the situation for us has stableized, we have made modest improvements to our home armies, though should those 120,000 Scots come knocking we'll be in trouble, and the Spanish Vietnam against Georgia has caused revolts to break out everywhere. A man named Drake has arrived, and I send him to India to try and map out the Pacific ocean, but I don't hold out much hope. I haven't enough money to build a decent fleet so I abandon all thoughts of traditional British naval strategy. The sailors not on exploration or taxi service perform fetch and carry for our real fighting men in France. I'm spending our yearly budget on promoting Mayors to Gubernatorial duty, and colonization, patiently waiting for Henry the Freak to begin the next chapter of the hundred years war.

I spend these peaceful days with the Queen, and those times are interesting but frustrating. Knowing that her mother had the talents to make a fortune had she worked in a Thai whorehouse and looking at that golden hair all day makes for an uncomfortable time, especially in a period without cotton. The standards of human genetics must have vastly improved over the centuries, because a good looking woman here is a rarity, and my God the Queen is a spectacular rarity. The historical mysteries surrounding her lack of a husband are made clear to me when I realize that Liz bats for the other team. She spends far more time than is required in her dressing chambers with a retinue of ladies in waiting, but I have to say good luck to her. I appoint William Cecil as the man to find a Royal husband though I know it's futile. I curse the Georgians, and Victorians for imposing their fake standards of behaviour on the world. Sex in this century is an open and enjoyable art, in fact with the new herbs and spices coming from Virginia and India, the Royal court is more like a 70's hippy comune. I've been waiting for 80 years to have a cigarrete, and now that tobacco's stimulating properties have been discovered I am able to get enough shag for my pipe, no pun intended.

Burgundy has settled their independence from Spain, their nation is made up of Franche Comte, Hainault, Artois and Luxembourg, Spain hangs on to Flanders. The peace of Europe is shattered when the world's oldest alliance led by Genoa declares war on Spain. The strong N Italian states of Parma and Tuscany join in, as well as The Knights, and Papal States. Spain has now been at war for over 10 years, and the strain is beginning to show as revolts appear all over their territory. In December 1574 Yanam becomes a city, and we can begin our expansion into the rich spice and china provinces.

My lazy days in court are jolted back to reality, when the cold war suddenly gets very, very hot. There must be something in the French wine, because on March 1 1574 Palatine decides to declare war on Spain. This is my nightmare scenario as the Scots and Cologne stick with the evil Empire, while Kleeves, Austria, Hanover and ourselves fight for good. The Dutch weasel out of their military responsibility, but I don't have any sober diplomats to go drag them back into the fold. France seizes on the general anarchy in Europe to annex Savoy hoping that nobody will notice. This war will either tear our kingdom to shreds or prove that we are indeed a world power.

 

[Kedryn]

I love reading your AAR's... you put a wonderful comic twist on things that *shouldn't* be funny, but have me laughing out loud. I love what you've done with the French... wish I could be so lucky; I'm happy to have gained Picardie and Caux.

 

[unmerged(691)]

Remarkable!

Your way of writing is fantastic! This is just as good as Oranje's famous AAR in my opinion! I hope you keep going in this much detail and humor!

 

[Johnny Canuck]

This is an amazing AAR! I love it! I can't stop laughing, and I love what you're doing to the French. Usually I just leave them alone, but know I think I might be letting them off a bit lightly. I can't wait for the next part!

 

[unmerged(1522)]

Absolutely

... have to agree with everybody else. I can't wait for the next installment of the saga. Fantastically written, and hugely funny. Plus, I really like the timetraveller twist (a la Yankee at King Arthur's Court). It'll be interesting to see (a) who fills the power vacuum left by France, and (b) if His Grace Sean ever finds out who/what transported him back in time.

 

[UnionBuster]

Great work!


Say, any chance of getting screenshots of what's going on?

 

[unmerged(1497)]

Okay, I've been reading AAR's here since I first heard about this game a few months ago, and I must say that it is probably the funniest, most...vivid AAR I've read. I've only been playing EU for about a week now, and am deep into a, suprisingly sucessful, Russian GC. The Mother Country is my next stop, though, and even if it weren't, your AAR would make me want to play them, just to dismember France. Bravo! Keep it going!

Ivan the Mellow

 

[hjarg]

Oh my god!!! This is definetly the most funniest AAR i have ever read!!! I like the peace treaties with the French... king can't walk on his legs and must recite all kings of England twice a year
And you actually made these smelly brittish bathe! WOW!

 

[unmerged(1463)]

GREAT JOBB

Superb Jobb. I realy enjoyed your text. And it gave me some good ideas.
Sincerily
Mikael

 

[unmerged(1446)]

JOJOJOJOJO, JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA, great AAR, I have been laughing at the French for quite a bit, they should go into the Tourism industry for German, English, and Spaniard special visitors. Do they even speak french there?

Excellent style, very funny. I'm playig as Spain in the GC (aka The evil Empire- not to me) and will post AAR soon.
Keep the good story coming.

Regards,

 

[unmerged(598)]

Thank you all for your vey kind comments. I have made a quick and dirty web site for the AAR, and it has screenshots for the last chapter (I forgot to take any earlier.)

The French wars were exciting, and I got *very* lucky early. The French AI is aggressive, and tried to make up for that defeat by striking out in all directions, but the alliances around her were too strong, so they got deeper and deeper into trouble.

Part 4 will be on the way soon, and things get even wilder.

The homepage is here: http://www.geocities.com/sean989898us

Be warned, there's nothing flashy about the pages, and Geocities appears to be agonizingly slow, and I have cable. It may be the way they feed the commercials into the pages. I might look for another provider if performance does not improve.

Regards

Sean

 

[hjarg]

The screenshots really showed it!!! You have more France then France does I wonder if the AI needs some work... the endless DOWs of France seem just plain stupid... especially when they didn't even had an army. I remember something like that when i played GC as Teutonic Order: Prussia declared war on Poland having just 4k troops and minimal fortress. Poles came with 50k army, crushed Prussiands, assaulted fortress and annexed them. Stupid as it gets. Btw, Eastern Prussia in French hands now And I own 3 provinces in England (needed the maps)

But to say it again: the funniest AAR ever. Don't you even dare to think about stopping now!

 

[unmerged(1020)]

What screenshots?