Oman: O mon, we be jammin'*
*I'd like to say I took the high road here, by not going with the obvious "Oh, man" pun, but mine may have worse, although it does follow the correct pronunciation of the country. I'm also about as non-Jamaican as you can get. Meh. Take it as you will.
You know, Danny, I think I've been entirely too nice to you.
"Excuse me?"
Yeah. I've been giving you easy assignments -- women, piles of dung, spears, chickens -- so you have to admit it's pretty easy.
"I admit nothing of the sort."
Too bad. In Oman, you're going to experience part of the joy that is Chaos. I'm going to infinitely subdivide your consciousness into every musket ball in the country.
Daniel was completely speechless (mostly because he was ammunition now). "Won't getting fired... hurt?"
No, dunce, it will feel like a downy soft pillow. Of course it'll hurt! A lot! But pain builds character.
"I think I've done quite enough character building over the past 300+ years."
That's not for you to judge.
"Wouldn't you also experience the pain?"
Nah.
...
...
...
"I hate you."
So does your face, Danny boy. So does your face. And here's your map and whatnot. I took the liberty of firing all of your awesome advisors.
"But... I had three five star advisors!"
Tough. Now you have none.
It is a truism that gunpowder cannot curse. However, on this one particular day, a batch of gunpowder got so overheated that it exploded, propelling four thousand musket balls into the air, killing three hundred innocent civilians, fifty cows, a duck, and ruining the Sultan's favorite hat. And yet, if you had just the right level of perception, you would have heard laughing.
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Just over a year into Oman, Daniel, not wanting a war for the excruciating pain it would cause (daily marksmanship training was bad enough, particularly since Chaos had influenced the drill instructor to double training efforts), had focused on the economy. Oman was in superb shape, but a rebellion in Medina had resulted in a couple of painful loans. The rebellion was put down, but thanks to Daniel's counter-influence, everything was bayonet charges. In the meantime, careful allocation of government revenue into the coffers, resulted in paying off the over 1000 ducat loans Oman had.
With a stable economy (the single pleasurable thing Daniel had done in the last few years), Daniel could turn his attention to Chaos's mission. The gap between Pattani and Oman was 16 ships, at present, so orders for new Early Frigates were placed right away. Another rebellion in Tabouk was put down, and Shiite Missionaries were sent to convert the populace. With the loans paid off, Daniel then shifted funds into stability and expanding the considerable land tech edge Oman had.
By 1727, Daniel had succeed in three things: building up the navy, avoiding wars, and creating a stable economy. His new mission was patently absurd, and Daniel completely ignored it.
There was an exceptional harvest in 1728, and Daniel felt great about life. Even Chaos had been quiet.
That should have been a warning.
Hey buddy, how's it hanging?
"Uh, all right, I guess."
Having a good time?
"Actually, yes. It took a little mental flexibility to convince the Sultan to carry a musket ball with him everywhere, but I think I've succeeded nicely."
Good, good. You know what I'm thirsty for? Orange Juice.
"Uh... okay? Why's that?"
BECAUSE IT'S NAJD JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANY MORE!
("It's not just for breakfast any more" is/was a slogan for Florida Orange Juice.)
"Look, can I go back to getting hit by the bus? I think that would be way less painful."
Quiet, whiner. I am NOT going to lose this bet.
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The biggest problem in the war with Najd was how widespread their provinces were. Daniel had to split his army in half, with 7000 going to the southern half of the peninsula and 7000 going to the north. The first battle -- the Battle of Qatar -- was nothing but cavalry charges; 14 horses were killed, but the enemy was routed, and Daniel was spared a brief moment of pain. Similar tactics were used at Hadramut. When Daniel got a moment to check the number of soldiers the Najd Alliance had, his eyes grew wide.
Ramazan was no real threat; they were in Anatolia. Iraq was the main enemy, with the largest army of the three countries (by far). With the presence of Iraqi forces in Najd, 17k strong, Daniel bit the bullet (causing, of course, fresh agony) and recombined his army, hoping that superior generalship and a 10 tech advantage would result in victory. At the Battle of Najran, it did just that.
The victory was so great that Iraq sued for peace a few days later.
Ramazan continued the fight, but Omani bayonets and cavalry charges won the day.
The last battles of the war, unfortunately, required more than constant frontal assaults, and while Daniel technically "won", Chaos delighted in his agony, and took a moment to insist that every regiment in the entire army fire a 21 gun salute to celebrate the victory.
Daniel allowed himself a moment of self-satisfaction. "Those are some mighty pretty borders."
Bah! What about Spain? They're sitting on your province!
"Spain can take a long walk off a short pier."
Chaos gasped.
Do I detect some backbone, kemosabe?
"You're a backbone!"
Sniff... the lad is growing up. All right, have it your way. What about Pattani, though?
Daniel thought for a moment. "That's doable. They have a pretty big navy, but not many troops. Sure, Delhi is their friend, but they're landlocked. All right, let's do it!"
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The War To Recover The Province Of Mocha From The Hated Enemy In Pattani -- TWTRTPOMFTHEIP for short (Chaos tried selling T-shirts, but since a) people in Oman don't speak English in the 18th century and b) the slogan wasn't very catchy, he went out of business quickly) -- was much shorter than its acronym. Three battles and a siege later, Mocha was added to Oman.
An alliance with Georgia had placed Oman in a position to take out Iraq, and Daniel was even willing to go along with it, but unfortunately, it was 1743 and time to leave.
Unfortunately, Nogai was next. Nogai had four provinces (and somehow had become Catholic). Sandwiched between Milan (ally) and Persia (not ally), her existence was likely to be short.
On the plus side, every day wouldn't be horrendous pain. Daniel liked those odds.
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A little short, but I think this balance of gameplay and comedy works a little better, in my opinion.