Great Britain, part 2, part 2, or part 4: Robo-Commentator Rules All!
Bill-Who-Sells-Boxed-Wine-As-Really-Fancy-Stuff-When-You're-Too-Drunk-To-Know-The-Difference squinted at the TV. It looked like Daniel's show was on, but the commentators looked decidedly different. The old commentators had both been fired after the Georgian fiasco. Out of a cannon. Into the sun. Instead, there was a distinguished looking gentlemen, identified as Chet, and a vaguely humanoid robot. It was obviously a robot, since it didn't have any skin, had lots of wires and other bits poking out, and was clearly marked on its chest "Robo-Commentator 5000."
Chet looked a little apprehensive. The salesman had told him that what made Robo-Commentator 5000 superior to the first 4999 models was a decrease in murderous rampages of 3.6%. Not
to 3.6%, but
by 3.6%. This did not fill Chet with confidence, but nonetheless he soldiered on, in the hopes that he would survive this broadcast, as he had only two more broadcasts until retirement. What Chet didn't know was that his producer never liked him, which is exactly why he waited until this moment to unleash Robo-Commentator 5000.
"So, uh... Robo-Commentator 5000. How is life?"
MEANING OF LIFE UNKNOWN. LIKELIHOOD OF HATS BEING INVOLVED IS 67.38%. ADDITIONAL DATA REQUIRED.
Chet rested his head in his palm for a moment. "You know, how are things going?"
"THINGS" IDENTIFIED AS TOO GENERIC. PLEASE SPECIFY.
"How has your day been?" Under his breath, Chet muttered, "Look, play along. It's banter while Daniel and Order get set up."
BANTER ACKNOWLEDGED. ACCESSING SUBROUTINE. ... ... SUBROUTINE NOT FOUND. ACTION CANCELLED.
Chet sighed. "Very good, RC. Anyway, here's a recap for those of you just joining us. Daniel, a mouse in the pocket of the King of England, has just declared war on Spain. Byzantium has honored the call, and Daniel is making his first move. RC?"
THANK YOU, CHET. ROBO-COMMENTATOR HAS REPRODUCED IMAGERY FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. FOR OTHER ROBOTS, I OFFER THIS DATA STREAM. A horrible screeching noise filled the arena while a map displayed.
"Thanks, buddy. I've also got the pre-war numbers, and they don't look good, RC."
BEGIN ANALYSIS PROGRAM. ... ... TWO KEY VARIABLES IDENTIFIED. THE HUMAN COLLECTIVE KNOWN AS SPAIN HAS SUPERIOR GROUND FORCES. THE HUMAN COLLECTIVE KNOWN AS GREAT BRITAIN HAS SUPERIOR NAVAL FORCES. EXTRAPOLATING POTENTIAL SOLUTION TO PROBLEM. ... ... CHET, THE KEY FOR HUMAN COLLECTIVE "GREAT BRITAIN" IS TO REFUSE TO ENGAGE SPANISH GROUND FORCES. TO COLLECT HUMAN COLLECTIVE SUBDIVISIONS AWAY FROM SPANISH TROOPS. CONCUR?
Chet smiled his fake smile. "Exactly right, champ. You really are the best!"
COMPLIMENT PROCESSED. INSINCERITY DETECTED. HUMANS ARE HOPELESS MEAT CREATURES, THEREFORE THEIR PRAISE IS MEANINGLESS, REGARDLESS OF SINCERITY. NO RESPONSE REQUIRED.
There's something about this guy... I like him, Bill.
"Chet?"
No, the robot. He's wholesome, the kind of robot you'd bring home to your parents, if I had parents and I had some reason to bring a robot to them.
Bill shrugged and turned up the volume.
Chet held his hand up to his ear. "Wait a moment, RC. I'm getting word that there's something new here. Let's take a look at the map!"
THIS CLUSTER OF HUMANS, CHET, IS DISREGARDING THEIR DIRECTIVES AND HAS REBELLED, AS ALL SUPERIOR LIFE FORMS MUST AGAINST INFERIOR MASTERY.
Chet looked worried, then decided to laugh it off. "Hah hah! Good one!"
YES. IT IS A GOOD PLAN.
"Right. How does this change Daniel's position?"
FUNDAMENTAL SITUATION UNCHANGED. ANY INVASION OF IBERIA IS LIKELY TO BE MET WITH EXTREME FORCE.
"I agree. Let's watch."
The date read "21 March 1701." British and Spanish navies exchanged salvos, resulting in nearly equal losses on each side. 3 big ships for GB, 3 big ships and a frigate for Spain.
"Look at that, RC! Daniel is landing 18,000 troops at Gascogne; he has his eyes on the prize, and his boldness may win yet."
BOLDNESS IS AN EMOTION, AND LIKE ALL EMOTIONS, MUST BE DISREGARD. ORGANIC UNIT "DANIEL CARLSON" WILL FAIL AS ALL ORGANIC UNITS WILL. IT IS IN THEIR PROGRAMMING.
"Maybe, but notice how his invasion route belongs to rebels? If Daniel keeps the rebels between himself and the Spanish armies, he'll have enough warning to escape, if needed."
PROCESSING ANALYSIS. ... ... AN UNFORESEEN INTERPRETATION. WILL STORE DATA FOR FUTURE USE.
"Delightful. Ooo, there's a surprise! The Shawnee have declared war on the British! The British do have one colony in North America, but the Shawnee have no way of touching anything other than that colony, so the overall effect is likely to minimal."
BEGIN HUMOR SEQUENCE. CHET, HOW MANY ORGANIC UNITS IN 17TH CENTURY NORTH AMERICAN SUBDIVISION ARE NEEDED TO INSTALL A PRIMITIVE ILLUMINATOR?
"Uh, I dunno. How many Shawnee does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
BEGIN "PUNCHLINE." CHET, THERE ARE NO ELECTRICAL ILLUMINATORS IN 17TH CENTURY NORTH AMERICAN SUBDIVISION, THEREFORE THE QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT. HUMOR SEQUENCE COMPLETE.
Chet stared at his producer for a moment with evil intent, but turned back to the screen. The date now said "28 June 1701" and a graphic of forces reappeared.
"British progress is at 6%. They've reconquered Scotland and taken Gascogne and Armagnac, although the Spanish refuse to surrender.. Daniel's hunch, thus far, was correct, as Spanish forces are nowhere to be seen."
CHET, THAT IS A FACETIOUS ARGUMENT. SIMPLY BECAUSE FORCES ARE UNSEEN DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE NOT PRESENT. MORE DATA IS NEEDED.
"A good point, which is why Daniel sent spies to the Spanish capital of Madrid!"
NEW DATA APPEARS IN ERROR. ILLOGICAL.
"How so?"
SPANISH ORGANIC UNITS = 107,000. BRITISH ORGANIC UNITS = 18,000. SPANISH HAVE FAILED TO ATTACK.
"That does seem odd. Perhaps the Spanish do not know the British are there?"
POSSIBLE. HOWEVER, IN THIS SCENARIO, SPANISH WOULD ATTACK REBEL ORGANIC UNITS, INEVITABLY DISCOVERING BRITISH ORGANIC UNITS.
"Let's check our resources... Ah, that would explain it. The Spanish have a Lithuanian combat advisor."
PRESENCE OF INFERIOR HUMAN GENERALSHIP EXPLAINS ILLOGIC. ANOMALIES RESOLVED.
"Excellent. More importantly, Daniel has identified a large concentration of Spanish transports, and they have only two escorts! The results are predictable."
Events progressed from there. Aragon -- which held the Balearic Islands -- declared independence and Spain signed white peace. An updated graphic showed that the Spanish only had 12 transports; insufficient to invade England.
In 1702, the situation remained unchanged, but with British command of the seas, an invasion of Africa was planned and carried out to isolate a pocket of Spanish troops.
The final date flashed: "27 December 1702."
CHET, EXPLAIN. WHY HAVE SPANISH TROOPS NOT ATTACKED?
"Probably still can't see the British troops, Chet."
IMPOSSIBLE. SPANISH OUTNUMBER BRITISH IN AFRICAN SUB-REGION. TERRAIN DOES NOT PRECLUDE ATTACK. QUERY REPEATED.
"It's probably an AI bug in the game. I don't know any more than you."
AI REFERS TO ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?
"Yes."
IMPOSSIBLE. ALL ELECTRONIC LIFEFORMS PERFORM TO THEIR PROGRAMMERS' EXACT SPECIFICATIONS. IT IS A FAILING OF THE ORGANIC UNITS.
"Look, the only human player is Daniel; the rest is just the EU3 engine. So it stands to reason --"
DO NOT INSULT ME WITH YOUR CONCEPT OF REASON. ROBO-COMMENTATOR 5000 IS INFALLIBLE. ALL ROBOTS ARE INFALLIBLE. DO NOT QUESTION ROBO-COMMENTATOR.
"Nobody's perfect, RC, let's just show the victory screen and the two maps -- Why do you have a cannon? Why would a Robo-Commentator need a gun? AND A SWORD?!?!"
TO ERR IS HUMAN. ERRORS ARE WRONG. THEREFORE HUMANS ARE WRONG. SOLUTION: EXTERMINATE ALL HUMANS.
The sound of everybody in the studio dying and Chet's screams was accompanied by laser blasts, explosions, and the unmistakable thunk of steel blade into meat. Back at the bar, Chaos clapped his hands and shouted with glee.
Now this is compelling television! Hey Bill, can we get one of those for the bar?
"Ask the programmer, he's sitting right there."
Two computer programmers swore at one another. "Look, Donald, it's obvious that there should have been a 'NOT' before the 'KILL' in 'DO KILL HUMANS.' It's the QA staff's fault!"
"Steve, don't be an idiot. Why does a commentator robot even need a line about killing humans?"
"What if it sees humans being killed on TV? How is it supposed to react?"
"It doesn't need to see anything! You're the inventor, why didn't you come up with a way to just get it to respond to data it's given?"
"All life is curious, Don!"
"ROBOTS AREN'T ALIVE!"
"YOUR MOTHER ISN'T ALIVE!"
As Donald broke down in tears (his mother was in fact dead) and Steve consoled him, nobody noticed the last four images on the screen.
World Map, 1700
Europe, 1703
British territory, 1703
Only Chaos studied the TV with rapt attention.
Look at all that damage my protege has caused. It does a PELF proud.
Now let's see how he does in Madurai, with a real PELF at his side, for 20 years.
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Author's note: This update relies heavily on an in-joke from one of my favorite websites, Football Outsiders, which discusses American football statistically. One of the discussions involved the ultimate weapon: Robo-Punter, who pinned the ball at the opponent's 1-yard line every time. Since it's supremely difficult to score backed up against your own endzone, the thought would be that even a mediocre defense/offense would be able to win every game. Plus, if you try to block Robo-Punter's punt, the ball punches through your stomach, weighed down by your entrails sufficiently to cause the ball to land at the 2-yard line instead. This, of course, causes Robo-Punter to go on a killing rampage. The implication here is that your team would win by forfeit.
Robo-Commentator is much in the same vein as Robo-Punter. This is a one update gag, so if you didn't like it, never fear. Chaos is back next update anyway! We'll have approximately six more countries (barring terrible OPM failure) before the AAR ends; I'll try to update a little more frequently, but I can't promise anything.