Denmark: In which Order makes a grave mistake
Order gazed in horror at Daniel Carson. He'd been horribly transformed, disfigured beyond all recognition, and it was all his fault. Order wasn't used to polymorphing other individuals, and he'd made just the tiniest error. Daniel was supposed to be Danish, and well, he still was a Danish.
A delicious danish.
Now, this was problematic for two reasons. First, obviously, Daniel being a danish greatly reduced his ability to affect the events of Denmark. He couldn't talk or move, and there was always the danger of being consumed. Even if you are immortal, being digested is manifestly unpleasant, and well, if you aren't immortal, I'd recommend against being digested at all. It's just common sense. Second, the danish actually hadn't been properly invented in the real time line until the 19th century. The history books won't tell you this, but delicious breakfast pastries are responsible for more wars than you'd think. Franz Ferdinand was only assassinated because he rejected Gavrillo Princip's homemade strudel. That's a little known but entirely true fact I just made up.
"You can't just change me back?"
Order looked sheepish.
I wish I could, Mr. Carlson. PELFs don't normally bother with changing other people, you see. If I were to make a mistake, the results would be horrendous.
"Worse than the near constant threat of being eaten?"
I'm sorry. Look, Denmark has a regent right now; we'll hide until the Fredrik VII takes the throne. By then, we'll dry out and taste disgusting. We might not even be edible!
Daniel groaned -- the visual effect was a slight bubble in the cream cheese. "Oh, all right. What's our mission, anyway?"
Conquering Gotland. Your old stomping grounds, as it were.
"That might be tricky, but we'll have time to evaluate the situation."
Indeed. To show you how truly sorry I am for my unforgivable error, you will have no handicap this time.
"Apart from the risk of mastication."
Hey, this is a family forum! You can't -- oh, wait. Never mind. Yes, apart from that.
"I guess that'll have to do."
One last thing; we're a prestige singularity. Lots of unredeemed cores. Just so you know.
"Fantastic. And our provinces have low base tax rates, so we aren't likely to raise many troops either."
No, we won't. We do have a free idea slot. What do you want to choose?
"Let's go with Patron of the Arts."
Before Order could reply, a Danish soldier picked up Daniel-ish and started to take a bite. Daniel tried to scream, but lacking a mouth and vocal chords, the best he could do was shift slightly. As luck would have it, the soldier was unaccustomed to having his food move, and he dropped Daniel-ish, stomped on him several times, and ran away in terror. As Daniel blacked out from the horrendous pain, the last thing he heard was Order say,
Well, at least you won't get eaten now.
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1653 would be a momentous year for the Kingdom of Denmark. First, she finally had a new King -- Fredrik VII.
Fredrik -- or Fantastic Fred as he insisted everybody call him -- suffered under delusions of grandeur. He thought he was handsome, especially after applying the new "beauty herb" he found lying on the ground one day. That "beauty herb", unfortunately, was the smashed remains of Daniel-ish. Everybody was much too polite to tell him this to his face. It did work out conveniently for Daniel, as it gave him a way to influence the King of Denmark. Fantastic Fred had other bizarre delusions, but perhaps the most surprising was that he thought he was a Jedi knight. Daniel asked Order how this could possibly happen, as Jedi were movie characters introduced in the 1970s. Order raised an eyebrow and said
You know, he did say it was a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Maybe he was half right. For whatever reason, the King thought he could control people's minds by waving his hand in front of their face. So Fred didn't look bad, Daniel occasionally helped him out. The King was mostly harmless, and if a few people had to cluck like chickens to satisfy his "awesome powers", that was a worthwhile risk.
Fantastic Fred, however, had one fatal flaw. All great heroes do. That flaw was an absolute, sudden, and crippling fear of corn. Many of Fred's tutors had spent hours attempting to cure their charge's patently irrational phobia. Leaving him alone in a cornfield for five minutes resulted in three quarters of the royal family's corn plot being burnt to the ground. Fred argued strenuously that it was self defense.
"Can we fix this, Order?"
People's phobias are ingrained into their minds. Either they have to voluntarily overcome them or live with them. Any interference would be very unpleasant for the King.
Mere minutes after his coronation, Fantastic Fred donned his ceremonial cape and addressed his adoring public of three cows, a goat, and a squirrel who quickly lost interest. There was also a young clerk, who would run with his speech to the palace and deliver it, as the palace was completely surrounded by corn (or as Fred called it, "the legions of Satan.") In fact, the only thing which eased Fred's mind and prevented an apoplectic fury was the gentle assurance that the field around him was wheat, not corn.
"My subjects, a new day has arisen. A day of war! Thank you." The clerk raised his hand. "Sire -- excuse me, Fantastic Fred -- war with whom?"
Fred scoffed. "How should I know? I'm the King."
The clerk blinked a few times. "With all due respect, we can't just declare war. We need a target."
"Can we choose corn?"
"No, Fantastic Fred. If we destroy the world's corn, millions will starve, including your own people."
"Fine. Do any of our neighbors boast a considerable supply of the Devil's weed?"
"I don't know, Gotland has a field or --"
"Gotland, then. We'll crush those corn-harborers! Crush them good!"
Daniel turned to Order. "How bad could this get?"
A lot of people don't like Magdeburg, and we've gotten pledges of monetary support from a lot of people. Most importantly, Novgorod didn't honor the call. It's not as bad as it sounds.
"Will Milan support us?"
A fair question, Mr. Carlson. Not in any significant numbers, I'm afraid, and Magdeburg is right next door. This will not be easy, by any stretch.
Fantastic Fred turned to a vagrant sitting next to him. "Say, buddy, do you want to be a General?"
The vagrant looked up, confused. "Shouldn't some army guy do that?"
"Nah. To tell you the truth," Fred whispered conspiratorially, "I think some of them secretly work for the Corn Conspiracy, or as I call it, the Corn-spiracy. Hah! Funny and terrifying at the same time. Just like corn!"
"Um, okay."
Fred examined his new General with care. "Do
you eat corn, friend?"
The vagrant shrugged. "I drink corn whiskey, does that count?"
"No."
"Then, no, I don't eat corn."
"Excellent! What's your name?"
"Christoffer, sir. Christoffer Brockenhuus."
"That's a mouthful. I'll call you Chris."
"Okay, sir."
"As a gift, I will grant you this patch of handsomeness that also makes you a Jedi."
"Um... thanks?"
"Take it in good health, Chris the General."
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The war began with a Danish invasion of the province of Västerbotten. The army of Gotland, 2000 strong, struck at Danish forces, but were repelled. When the general of Gotland's army was asked why he surrendered, he looked very odd and said, "I dunno. Some guy waved his hands around and asked me to surrender, so I kind of did. Should I not have done that?"
The bizarre conduct of Denmark's enemies continued, when, despite an open border with Denmark, Magdeburg's 23,000 man army refused to invade. Here is a transcript of what happened.
With Chris' awesome Jedi skills, Magdeburg found the Danish army -- indeed, all Danish territory -- completely invisible. Daniel, ever the good sport, asked Order if this was okay.
I know, it doesn't seem very sporting, but if the King of Magdeburg is dumb enough to fall for it, I see no reason for you not to take advantage. We must take life's opportunities wherever they are offered, Mr. Carlson.
"I know what you mean, Order. After all, if not for all of those spare hours spent at the local library researching the tax code, I might never have gone to college and achieved my life's goal."
You are an inspiration to all humans, Mr. Carlson.
October 1653 saw a Danish ship sunk; the Danish admiral, Magnus Jensen, lacked Jedi powers and was forced to rely on his own skill. One transport, no matter how skilled, cannot easily defeat one Wargalleon. More disappointing was the Danish army's defeat at Second Västerbotten. Chris's wicked sweet Jedi tricks didn't work because he was passed out under a tree.
The Danish army fled to Norway, where they were again defeated, but Chris woke up at the end of the battle, in time to use his Jedi powers to convince 552 men of Gotland's army to hold a "running at a brick wall contest." There were no survivors.
Properly chastened, the Danes continued to flee, deeper within the Norwegian ally's lands. Chris's officers were getting increasingly angry. Some began to suspect that Chris had no powers at all. Chris, completely taken with his own hyperbole, simply smiled and nodded. "Fear not, brothers. 4000 Danish soldiers shall arise and strike down our foes!"
Daniel looked worried. "Um, Order, should we stop him?"
Order blinked.
Well... I don't think it would be very popular.
"Why not?"
Order just pointed.
Daniel's mouth mentally fell open. "Did... did we do that?"
I know I didn't. Did you?
"I'm a smashed danish. I can crumble and that's about it."
Maybe he does have powers?
(Author's note: Or maybe your awesome author spawned some rebel armies with spies!)
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Inspired by the mind-bending talents of Chris, Genoa and Aquelia invaded Gotland proper and the province of Västerbotten. Milan sunk the mighty navy of Gotland. Magdeburg continued to believe that Denmark was invisible. In short order, Gotland surrendered, and in 1654 the war was mostly won.
Unfortunately, Magdeburg remained. Chris died in 1655, and his successor was the King himself, Fantastic Fred. In September 1656, with the corn of Denmark harvested, he decided to lead an expedition into Magedburg's land near Novgorod. What Fred forgot was that Jedi Mind Trick cannot be used offensively.
(Author's note: This may need some explaining to get the joke. LucasArts released a PC game a few years back called Jedi Knight. In both Jedi Knight and the sequels, the effect of Jedi Mind Trick was to make your enemies forget you were there until you attacked them. It just so happens that they're awesome games, so you should pick them up, but that's neither here nor there.)
Terrified like a school girl, particularly when a Magdeburg soldier accidentally had a corn husk stuck to his armor, Fred conceded defeat.
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Fred, embarrassed by his own cowardice, immediately began planning to gain vengeance. First, he built up the Danish navy with the additional 250 ducats he squeezed out of Gotland. It was now an impressive two war galleons, one early frigate, and three merchantmen, allowing the entire Danish army of 3000 transport. In March 1660, he was ready to enact his revenge.
This time, Magdeburg stayed out, but Bohemia did not. Danish victory over Gotland was swift; it was less swift over Bohemia.
The King of Bohemia, thanks to excellent intelligence, used Fred's single weakness against him, giving Fred a choice to sign a treaty surrendering all Bohemian lands to Denmark or one surrendering all Danish claims and forcing all Danes to convert to Catholicism. By placing a single ear of corn on the first treaty, the King outwitted Fantastic Fred.
By the time the paperwork was done, it was 1662 and time to leave.
"That went relatively well, Order."
I think so too, Mr. Carlson. We're going to Flanders next, though, and unfortunately, Flanders is an OPM.
"We'll get through it, Order. I know we will."
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Almost thought this would have to be a two-parter, but the second war wasn't all that thrilling.
