Crimea: Crimea river*
*Put the emphasis on the first syllable, then you'll get it.
**Just a reminder; if my puns force you to call a hit out on me, I will be unable to update if I am dead. That means ALL of my AARs.
Daniel Carlson hated being in Crimea. Oh sure, the weather was nice, but the rampaging hordes of rebels tended to spoil a picnic. Daniel was also a woman again; the hordes of rebels alternated between dirty leers, inappropriate groping (if there is, indeed, appropriate groping), and murderous raids on the towns of Crimea. Meeting the Khan of the Crimean Federation did not make him much happier.
"How did you become a Khan? You didn't stuff the old guy in a broom closet somewhere, did you?"
The Khan chuckled nervously. "What am I, some kind of Bishop? No, I lost the title in a poker game."
"Wait... you
lost it in a poker game?"
"Yep."
"What would you have won?"
"Not being Khan. It's not a very popular position. There are rebels all over the place" -- a rebel screamed 'There sure are!' -- " and we're still at war with Austria."
"Those numbers don't look that bad."
"Try these numbers."
"Yeesh. I can see why you need my help."
The Khan looked expectantly. "Say... you wouldn't want to be Khan, would you?"
"I'm a woman. Doesn't that exclude me?"
Crestfallen, the Khan nodded. "You're right. What else can you do?"
"I could probably help you get your economy back in shape if you keep the rebels and your own men off of me."
"Does that include me?"
"It does."
The Khan sighed one last time and nodded again. "It's a deal."
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Chaos was so busy laughing at the horrible situation Danielle found herself in it that he completely forgot to inflict additional pain upon his charge.
I'm not sure who is the bigger idiot -- you or the Khan.
"You aren't helping?"
What's the matter? Do I not have a Khan-do spirit?
"That doesn't even make sense! The pronunciation is completely different!"
Your face doesn't make sense. Oh wait, it does. UGLY sense! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!
Danielle chose to ignore Chaos and rolled up her sleeves. "The most important thing is to get rid of this massive army. I'll tell the Khan to offer some token face-saving gesture to the Austrians."
"Now, we disband the army and... there! Fiscal solvency is achieved."
Did you forget about the crippling interest from having to take four loans right at the beginning?
"I was trying to."
Always glad to help.
"Crimea shall join the Counter-Reformation!"
How does that fix your pocketbook?
"It doesn't. Do you ever wonder why you don't have any friends?"
Because I've horribly butchered most of them, I'm the embodiment of pure destruction, and I'm stuck hanging around with a chump like you.
Danielle opened and closed her mouth, then did it again.
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The Khan's chief general eyed Danielle appreciatively as she worked busily to find a way to return some sense to the Crimean Federation.
"Do you come here often?"
"Yes, I do. I work every single day, while you and your men sit around and swill alcoholic beverages."
The general looked indignant. "Hey, soldiering is hard work!"
"I imagine running all day after being defeated by a rebel army, upon which you inflicted no casualties, to be very tiring indeed."
The general glared, decided discretion was the better part of valor, and left Danielle alone.
I think I like you better as a woman.
"Don't start. Okay, so our army is a complete failure. Who could even a complete failure defeat in battle?"
Besides you?
Danielle sighed. "Besides me, if you must. Georgia looks like a rich prize; the CoT at Astrakhan is particularly enticing."
No CB, and since we have all the stability of a drunk the day after New Year's, that's not going to happen.
"Well, we'll warn them. Maybe we'll get lucky."
Oh, I've got a new mission for you.
"Let's hear it."
You're to reclaim Saratov.
Author's note: I have no idea why they insist on spelling Russian place names with a 'W' at the end, but I will not continue this mistaken practice. There is no 'W' in Cyrillic.
"From Novgorod? The one friend who hasn't abandoned me?"
Transylvania and Yaroslavl wanted to be your friends.
"They're OPMs!"
That's life.
"Ukraine could be a useful ally."
If the war ever ends with Austria, maybe. They've got a lot of land occupied.
The sound of a fresh rising of rebels a few miles away was ignored by everybody in the palace.
"I wish our troops weren't so awful" -- 'Hey!' a soldier shouted -- "or we could put those down. Better yet, try to reconnect the two halves of Crimea."
That's what bankruptcy does. Aren't you supposed to be fixing that?
A soldier's catcall -- 'You can sure fix me, lady!' -- was also ignored as it made no sense. "Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it."
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By August of 1611, Danielle was slowly losing her mind. That she had any sanity left after dealing with Chaos for 200+ years was something of an accomplishment. Of course, Chaos always claimed that she (or he) didn't have the creativity or intelligence to go insane, which may be a fair point. But the constant rebellions and constant defeats of the pitiful army she could raise were eating away at her soul.
"Chaos, is there some explanation for this?"
For what?
"The rebellions."
I dunno. Humans get mad for stupid reasons. Religion, politics, food, sex, being bankrolled by Persia, disease, boredom...
"Wait, what was that last one?"
Boredom?
"Something about Persia."
Oh, that. Yeah, all the religious rebels are being bankrolled by Persia. Did I neglect to mention that?
"Why don't we do something about that?"
We've never captured one.
"So how do we know the Persians did it?"
This business card:
Darius' House of Rugs, Espionage, and Waffles
A Persian Institution since 1200 AD
Jihad in thirty days or your money back!
"Do you know what this means?!"
We're going for waffles later?
"Yes, obviously. But more importantly, we must strike at our enemies. We shall declare war on Persia!"
You know, I normally love watching you fail, but in this case, I have to say no. We have no army. Cardboard cutouts would be more effective, but it's the 17th century, so we don't have cardboard. Let's just try to fix the economy.
"Fine. You're paying for the waffles."
Deal.
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By 1612, Danielle had a war, but not the war she wanted. Novgorod called them into a holy war against the Ottomans; initially, this made Danielle happy, until she realized that the Crimean army still had no morale and was easily defeated by a toddler with a spoon. I'm not exaggerating either; that actually happened. Also, the Ottomans were impossible to reach. To make matters worse, the Khan signed a treaty with Zaporozhie, granting some of his lands in exchange for one of them becoming Khan of Crimea. After they got the lands, they laughed, tore up the contract, and taunted the Khan mercilessly.
Danielle placed a sympathetic hand on the Khan's shoulder. "Did you try poker again, Khan?"
"Yeah; I lost again. I'm not very good at poker. In fact, I got an extension on the title."
"Tough break."
"Yep. How's the economy?"
"Not great. We can't really afford to be at war right now. Or to have an army. We can afford a new sign for the palace."
"It says 'Crime.'"
"We can't afford the 'A'."
"That probably only encourages more rebels."
"You're probably right, Khan."
"Is there any solution?"
"Nope. We can't get out more loans, and the interest is so bad that even with no army, we're screwed."
"Well, thanks for trying. Maybe we'll get lucky?"
"Maybe."
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Danielle was totally lost. Bureaucracy, which she'd encouraged as a response to the problems of the Federation, failed miserably, only adding another .1 ducats to the monthly treasury of -.9 ducats. By 1613, there was only one alternative. She and the Khan went to bankruptcy court again. The judge looked very suspicious.
"Are you the Khan of Crimea? You were here a while ago."
The Khan looked furtive. "Of course not! I am the Khan of Crime, as the sign clearly indicates."
"You look a lot like him."
"No, I don't. I have a mustache."
"Um, no, you don't."
The Khan gasped, turned around, and turned back around with a fake mustache on.
"That looks upside down."
"Are you sure it's upside down? Or is it right side up and
you're upside down?!"
The judge was stunned. "I... never thought of that."
Danny, I was wrong. You aren't the stupidest human ever. This judge is clearly even dumber.
"So, now that we've established that I'm clearly
not the Khan of Crimea, can I cancel all of my debts and declare bankruptcy?"
The judge gripped tightly on his podium, lest he fall down (well, up), and nodded vigorously.
"Great. Thank you, Your Honor!"
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It turned out that bankruptcy was the best thing that could have happened to Danielle. With no more debts, the treasury started to grow, for once. The war with the Ottomans ended, and Novgorod even helped out in rebel stomping and reclamation.
Danielle joined two more wars, one with Austria and one with Persia, both of which ended in white peaces. Persia stole one more province from Crimea, adding further insult to injury.
Still, the nation was now economically viable, and if they could survive the next ten years, Crimea would be in a real position to reclaim their lands and perhaps expand. Danielle wouldn't be there to see it, however, as she was going to Ethiopia. Ethiopia wasn't going bankrupt, but was surrounded by larger more modern powers.
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This was a really frustrating game, but it turned out to be pretty good for comedy purposes. I guess it's true what they say, comedy is tragedy happening to somebody else. Going to try to squeeze in one more update this week!