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Well Avindian could just say he got a decent country by random...
I don't remember; if you survive the burning, does that prove you're a witch or prove you're innocent?
Why, I never! I would challenge you to a duel for insulting my honor, but I'm incredibly lazy and quite far away. I am currently shaking my fist in impudent rage!
In all seriousness, though, I will abide by the results of the random number generator.
Another good update! Another good fail! Keep em coming...
I do try!
I had every intention of playing tonight, but I got sidetracked. I promise I'll play tomorrow. Honest!
You can't be found innocent because in 100% of the cases the subject was too grilled to be questioned
He could just say, "Ah, but look, did God Almighty (going along with the times of course) want me to die? No he didn't! So make me your overlady." (because he'd be a girl of course.)
You can't be found innocent because in 100% of the cases the subject was too grilled to be questioned
He could just say, "Ah, but look, did God Almighty (going along with the times of course) want me to die? No he didn't! So make me your overlady." (because he'd be a girl of course.)
:rofl:
And they reply, "She used her black magic to survive!" and bury her in a steel box 10 feet underground.You can't be found innocent because in 100% of the cases the subject was too grilled to be questioned
He could just say, "Ah, but look, did God Almighty (going along with the times of course) want me to die? No he didn't! So make me your overlady." (because he'd be a girl of course.)
Only to have her come out feeling a bit peckish and asking for some food.And they reply, "She used her black magic to survive!" and bury her in a steel box 10 feet underground.
And they reply, "She used her black magic to survive!" and bury her in a steel box 10 feet underground.
What is this steel? Perhaps you also know some black magic! :eyes suspiciously:
That's what I would do. Also kill everybody who put me there in the first place.
Oh, you Europeans don't know about steel? We've been making it in Syria for a thousand years! It's really strong, it actually has carbon nanotubes embedde... oh, I mean... crap! *runs away*
Firing up EU 3 as we speak. To whet your appetite, the horrible catastrophe that will befall Brandenburg is...
14! So we'll be starting with a government change (of some kind; not sure what I'm eligible for this early in the game).
EDIT: Turns out there's no alternative right now (oops!) So the real punishment is...
16! That's +10 to infamy!
Brandenburg: Daniel finally leaves a country better off! No? Would you believe it's neutral? Would you believe that Brandenburg only loses one province but still comes out ahead? Fine. It's another disaster. I hope you're happy.*
*Apologies to the late, great, Don Adams.
Daniel was almost afraid to wake up this time. He'd been a goat, a woman, and a tree. He'd been a king and a murderer. What cruel and unusual punishment did Chaos have this time?
He opened one eye and tested his legs. He had two of them and no hooves. An excellent start!
He looked for a mirror and saw... no reflection?!? Daniel felt himself come to an uncomfortable realization.
Was he... a vampire?
A vampire? What are you, a teenage girl? You have the mirror backwards, moron.
"Oh, right. Ahem."
The face staring back at Daniel was relatively normal, which was so abnormal that Daniel at first thought it was a gag picture somebody had taped to a piece of bronze. Then again, nobody had invented tape yet, so that seemed unlikely.
You sure are getting paranoid, Danny. I promise, 100% normal this time. I'll leave you to fail on your own merits.
"I should be insulted that you're already assuming I'll fail."
Yeah, probably, but you know I'm right.
Daniel sighed. "I can't really argue with that. So who am I?"
You're the 15th century equivalent of the Secretary of the Treasury. Your name is Hermann von Beck.
"That's a refreshing change. Something I'm finally good at! Is the king crazy or something?"
Completely normal. He's actually left-handed, which to some people is grounds for burning at the stake, but that's about it.
[Author's Note: When I was in Russia in 2004, a couple of laundry ladies were about ready to burn me at the stake for signing the receipt with my left hand. I think they thought I didn't know Russian. True story.]
"I suppose we should get down to brass tacks, then. Can I see the map?"
Of course.
"Lots of neighbors. Any important allies?"
Austria is the only significant one. Oh, and Meissen is your vassal, so there's that.
"Not bad. What's our mission?"
A tricky one.
"So I need a PU with Pommerania. What's so hard about that?"
Our legitimacy is pretty bad, so you won't be able to claim the throne.
Daniel frowned. "That is a little unfortunate."
Oh, and I thought you'd enjoy this.
Daniel groaned.
Heh heh; I knew you'd love it.
"You really are a jerk, Chaos."
Maybe. Shall we go to the ball? The Queen of France is here.
"That would be a nice change from nearly being cannibalized. Let's go!"
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That night would be Daniel would never forget. He woke up in a prison under the king's palace, as he had each day since that night.
He wiped his mouth and looked for his cup of water; for once, it wasn't actually full of his own urine. Granted, he wasn't sure what was in the cup was much better, but that didn't bother him any more.
"What day is it?"
Sunday, August 19, 1443. You know, this really is your fault.
"I don't see how it could be! Can't you bust us out?"
I'm a demon, true, but I'm stuck with your pathetic body to work with. You can't even seduce the guard. You won't even try.
"Why not use your mind control?"
Chaos grumbled for a minute. Order said I've been using it too much, which is cheating under the rules of the contest. You have to earn your way into a position of responsibility, he says, or it's actually just me doing everything.
"Why is it every time he tries to help me I end up worse off?"
Hey, he's not the one who farted on the Queen.
"I had a lot of beer and bratwurst! That always gives me gas."
[Author's note: It's true, y'know.]
Why didn't you politely excuse yourself?
"It was louder than I expected."
You're lucky the king didn't execute you; the Queen was about ready to do it herself.
"That would have been an improvement."
Just because you can't die doesn't mean you wouldn't be in a whole lot of pain and also have no head.
Daniel groused quietly. At that moment, the guard pounded on the door.
"von Beck? The King has ordered your release. We're at war, and since you're pretty much the only guy in the entire kingdom who can use math or read, you get to be his chief advisor."
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It was about nine months since he'd been released from prison. Daniel Carlson had gone from unwanted pariah to toast of every beer hall. His sound advice to the king -- "Leave Bavaria alone" -- was so brilliant that statues were being commissioned in his honor. Of course, winning a major battle and adding a new vassal to Brandenburg was good too.
Of course, in the interim, a second war had started, and Austria decided to dishonor their alliance with Brandenburg.
Still, safe in the palace, Daniel/Hermann toasted the man next to him, swilling another mug of beer.
Haven't you had enough there, Washington, DC?
Daniel's response was obscenely biological, foul-smelling, and would definitely have gotten him executed had three other nobles not been in various states of disarray themselves.
Right. You know, big guy, you're doing okay now, but aren't you worried about Bavaria?
Daniel managed to slur out, "Nope" before passing out. It's actually more impressive that he almost did slur, if you ask me, since you can't exactly slur a word like "nope."
I'll just leave you to it. Sleep tight, Danny.
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By June of 1444, Daniel was beginning to feel invincible again. Even Bavaria had suffered terrible losses thanks to his military genius.
When the King asked Daniel/Hermann's opinion about a war with France, the only slightly inebriated (for once) Daniel cogently explained, with the aid of a map, "France is there. We are here. I think we're okay."
The King nodded.
Daniel actually followed with an intelligence question. "Why are we guaranteeing Austria, anyway?"
The King laughed. "That's a silly question. The same reason we guaranteed Thuringia!"
"And why did we guarantee Thurinigia?"
At that, the King's laughter stopped abruptly. "You know, I honestly have no idea. Nobody's actually ever asked the follow up question. They generally laugh along with me and we drink some more beer."
"I confess, that is an effective system."
"Isn't it though?"
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March 17, 1445. St. Patrick's Day (at least to Daniel). The precise day that Daniel Carlson's brave gambit failed.
You know, for somebody who gets success so infrequently, you don't try very hard to keep it.
"You mean the war with Switzerland?"
No, you idiot. The decision to assault München with a Bavarian army right next door!
"That wasn't me."
It must have been the stupid author, then. That guy gets on my nerves!
Hey now! It's not my fault! The AI never used to be that smart! I'd get away with it all the time in earlier betas.
That's a lame excuse.
It almost worked, too! If we took Munich, Bavaria might capitulate. Look at the screen; I almost won the siege!
Yeah, so what? You would have lost the army the next day.
Ahem. Maybe you're right. I'm sorry.
Wait a minute! Why am I apologizing to a character I created?
Maybe I created you.
But that would mean... um...
Yes?
Can we get on with the story now? My head hurts.
Fine.
"Where did you go?"
Never mind, Danny. Have another beer.
"Okay!"
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January 1449. Daniel found himself back in prison, even back into the same cell. The King had enough.
Magdeburg decided to start war with Brandenburg, for five consecutive wars. Even victory over Saxony did little to fix that.
In what was quickly becoming Daniel's trademark, another army was destroyed, leaving Brandenburg crippled with no army. The rest of Europe thought so little of Brandenburg that two armies totally uninvolved in any of the five wars decided to stop by and duke it out on Brandenburg's soil.
A series of humiliating peace deals deprived Brandenburg of her friends, her treasury, her prestige, and any real chance of victory. To make matters worse, Brandenburg was slightly too big to vassalize, so Hesse just sat on the conquered territory. That led to the ultimate humiliation for Daniel Carlson, account/tax lawyer/general stick-in-the-mud.
He'd even failed at the one thing he was actually good at it.
Didn't you actually fail?
Shut up. Don't you start again.
On top of all of that, Daniel and the heir got drunk and passed out in the middle of the winter; Daniel woke up and the heir did not, which is why he was in prison.
Okay, that one was all him. So where are we going next?
Don't you want to tell Daniel?
Nah, he's passed out. In recognition for his service, the King keeps him supplied with beer, so he's in a dank depressing cell, but he's so blasted out of his gourd that he usually doesn't notice.
I hope we haven't made him an alcoholic.
Nah. You haven't answered my question yet.
Oh, right. You're going to Cologne.
Cologne? Why there?
That's what the random number generator said.
How is that random? The last three have all been with a few hundred miles of each other!
Sorry. Your bad luck, I guess. Oh, and you're an OPM.
He'll love that.
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How spectacularly will Cologne fail under Daniel's, Chaos's and my leadership? Whose leadership is most destructive? Will I make it the whole ten years without being annexed or vassalized?
Find out in the next installment of A Descent into Madness!
Note: I'm still looking for some more nasty stuff to add to the table. Maybe we should even include some good stuff too, since, you know, I could use it.
good stuff to the table? MADNESS!
... although, maybe a -2 infamy or so? some monies?
... although, maybe a -2 infamy or so? some monies?
I learned to not assault a province with a large enemy army next door a while ago. A for effort!
But a D for results...
But a D for results...
good stuff to the table? MADNESS!
... although, maybe a -2 infamy or so? some monies?
Hmmm... not sure infamy will make much difference at this point, since so early in the game very few countries have high infamy.
I wasn't thrilled about it either, but my entire first round of choices were all eliminated/never born: Fez, Oudh, Xia, Shaybanid, Maldive. I really hoped that Shaybanid would still be around, since I wanted to see how badly I'd fail compared to tamius23!
Only a D? You are too kind!