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Avindian

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So if you do not succeed tuscany will never form Italy but if you do succeed Tuscany won't form Italy either because Byzantium is too large.

Exactly. So yeah, I'll pull out the "parallel universe" card, the ultimate deus ex machina for time travel stories.
 

Avindian

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Byzantium: Bringing down a thousand year empire in 18 months

"Is this some kind of joke?"

What?

"Look, I know I haven't been the most cooperative guy, but surely you could do better than this?"

I don't see any problem.

"I'm a goat!"

The Emperor's beloved pet goat, to be precise.

"I'm still a goat, no matter how beloved. How am I supposed to influence policy?"

Telepathy and mind control. How else does anybody influence policy?

"That would explain a lot, to be honest."

Doesn't it though? I'm going to show you a mental image of the state of the Byzantine Empire; it'll look just like a map, but nobody trusts a goat with an actual map.

"I suppose you're right."

byzantiummapandeconomy.jpg


"Why is my trade slider at maximum?"

Oh, that. See, every time we jump to a new country, the forces of the universe compel me to inflict something upon you.

"Really?"

Nah, I just like messing with you. You're a good sport, though.

"Thanks, I think."

Any time, book-'em-Danno.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, the mission you gave me wants me to conquer Greece. Why bother with Rhodes?"

byzantiummission.jpg


I figured you could use something easy. You've had a rough 20 years or so.

"I guess you're right. Wait, should I be suspicious that you're being nice to me all of a sudden?"

Of course not. And, er, just tell him to declare war. Don't bother checking who is allied with Rhodes. I'm sure it isn't important.

Daniel agonized for a few moments. "We have allies, right?"

Probably. Everybody has friends.

"What about you?"

Chaos pouted for a moment. You're a jerk, Danny. I thought we were friends.


"You dragged me out of my home, my job, and my life, and have done nothing but insult me and turn me into a goat since I've started your mad quest. Does that sound friendly to you?"

If I'd gotten you drunk first, yeah, it kind of does.

Daniel had no idea how to respond to that, so he just nodded and agreed with Chaos.

byzantiumwar.jpg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being a goat was kind of peaceful, Daniel had to admit. Sleeping, munching grass, the occasional bleat. He didn't even have to use a toilet! All of a sudden, though, it got very unpeaceful (peaceless? Anti-peace? Pick your favorite word, I don't mind.)

"Emperor, sir, the Spaniards have answered the call of Rhodes! We are surely doomed!"

byzantiumalliancehonore.jpg


"I was never told they were allied with anybody. Strange, I just had a compulsion to declare war that day. Must have been some bad ouzo."

"Perhaps so, my liege, but what are we to do?"

"Attack and take out Rhodes as quickly as possible, then hope Castille is understanding. We can't take back our declaration, can we?"

"I'm afraid not, sir."

"Then onward! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?"

"Has it occurred to you, honored Emperor, that our very existence might be threatened?"

"We've been around long enough, I think. Now where is the rest of that ouzo?"

Note: Yes, I'm aware that ouzo technically doesn't exist until the 19th century. However, this is the excuse that Daniel forces into the Emperor's brain, and the guard is just too polite to ask questions about a made-up word like ouzo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel was finding that goat-hood was considerably less pleasant on the high seas. The Emperor insisted that his guards take along his treasured pet goat, Hircus, along.

Note: Hircus means "goat" in Latin. The fact that he can't come up for a better name for his goat than "goat" is just one more sign that the Emperor isn't a very clever guy. After all, he does take advice from a goat.

He was originally a good luck charm; he'd won the sailors an important battle off the coast of Rhodes (or so they insisted).

byzantiumnavalbattle.jpg


When an invasion of Rhodes failed, Hircus (Daniel) was pitched over the side of one of the boats, as he was now clearly cursed (or so they insisted).

byzantiumrhodes.jpg


As he drifted out to sea and paddled for land, Daniel chose that moment to interrogate his oppressor.

"Chaos, why did you lie to me about Castille?"

I didn't lie, I just said it wasn't important. Since importance is entirely relative to the person in question, it's technically true, since I didn't care in the slightest.

"What about Byzantium having no allies?'

I said they probably did. You were being too much of a jerk to be more specific, jerk face.

"You also said there was no way they would blame me for their defeat, but instead the fact that they weren't being paid enough."

Okay, that one was a lie. In my defense though, I am Chaos, and lies are a great way to create chaos. Also, it's your fault for once again missing something so important.

"How do we get back to Constantinople?"

Paddle, you dummy.

Daniel sighed once again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was 1421. Daniel was dry and back to the fun parts of being a goat, but he couldn't say that the Empire was having much fun. In fact, there were pretty serious issues.

Castille had defeated Byzantium at sea and on land, and were busily occupying the city.

byzantiumvictoryish.jpg


byzantiumthrace.jpg


As he trotted in to see the Emperor, he heard shouting.

"Is this some kind of sick joke, you cretin?"

"Er, no, your Majesty. This is what the Ottoman ambassador actually said -- 'The Quality of Your Troops is Impressive'."

byzantiumquality.jpg


"We don't have any troops!"

The guard, at a loss for words, could only reply, "No sir, we do not."

"Gah, get out of my sight. You know, ever since I let that goat of mine into the palace, instead of keeping him into the yard, bad things have been happening. Maybe the sailors are right; he is cursed."

Daniel thought fast, and sent a timely excuse.

The Emperor went glassy eyed for a moment, then said, "No, these are clearly different goats, although equally beloved and completely identical in every way."

"Sir, who are you talking to?"

The Emperor stopped for a moment. "You know, Captain, I have no idea. I just had another odd compulsion to talk about goats."

"Perhaps you are overworked and need to spend more time with your Imperial courtesans?"

The Emperor immediately brightened. "A capital idea, my friend. I'll go do exactly that."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Daniel awoke on the morning of May 19, 1421, he was no longer in Thrace. He was also no longer a goat. He seemed to be human again, which he supposed was a small victory.

You really are a tremendous screw up, Danny.

"Where are we?"

Champa, in southeast Asia. It seems that Castille has annexed Byzantium; we got out just in time. Try not to make me use the emergency jump; the effects can be... unsettling.

byzantiumgameover.jpg


"For who?"

Both of us; me because I'm conscious the whole time. You... well, let's just say I'll wait until you see a mirror.

"I'm not a goat again, am I?"

Don't be absurd. Whoever heard of a goat in Champa?

"I've never heard of Champa or their lack or abundance of goats."

Good point. Anyway, you are definitely human. Try to get some sleep; we'll talk more in a couple of days.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looks like you all got what you wanted :mad:

In all seriousness, I didn't think Castille would honor, since they were in a war already (with Morocco). I was wrong, as you can see.

Hopefully Champa will be more interesting!
 

Ashantai

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Ahahaha!

Poor Byzantium, but that was hilarious.
 

DisgruntledLemming

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"You're a jerk Danny. I thought we were friends."

Priceless. :D
 

Memento Mori

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Roman Empire: What the she-wolf has started, a goat brings down. Oh well, perhaps it will be resurrected by opossums
 

CivandEUIII

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It seems Danny gives bad luck to whatever country he is in. I really don't want to have that happen to Champa.
COME ON RNG GIVE US FRANCE AFTERWARDS!!!
 

DisgruntledLemming

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Gosh I cant wait until he actually ends up in a superpower. He might actually be a little more succesful then ;D

Or fail spectacularly. Either way... :p

Nah, I wish you luck in Champa. I really hope they don't fail as hard as you have been.
 

Rendap

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Good Results in Byzantium. At least you survived for over a year.. :D

Good Luck in Champa and why do I get the feeling that we'll be meeting Daniela??? ;)
 

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Of course not. And, er, just tell him to declare war. Don't bother checking who is allied with Rhodes. I'm sure it isn't important.
I knew something hilarious was going to happen after reading that. :laugh:
 

Avindian

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Ahahaha!

Poor Byzantium, but that was hilarious.

Glad you liked it!

"You're a jerk Danny. I thought we were friends."

Priceless. :D

One of the things that makes him so fun to write for is that he's so sarcastic, which is very close to my own style, and yet there's also a hint of the genuine there.

Roman Empire: What the she-wolf has started, a goat brings down. Oh well, perhaps it will be resurrected by opossums

That's a superb analogy!

It seems Danny gives bad luck to whatever country he is in. I really don't want to have that happen to Champa.
COME ON RNG GIVE US FRANCE AFTERWARDS!!!

Here's hoping you're right! :D

Gosh I cant wait until he actually ends up in a superpower. He might actually be a little more succesful then ;D

Or fail spectacularly. Either way... :p

Nah, I wish you luck in Champa. I really hope they don't fail as hard as you have been.

I'm almost at the point where I'm going to do stupid things on purpose just for the laughs. We'll see how Champa goes.

Good Results in Byzantium. At least you survived for over a year.. :D

Good Luck in Champa and why do I get the feeling that we'll be meeting Daniela??? ;)

No comment.

I knew something hilarious was going to happen after reading that. :laugh:

The real question is, why does our hero continue to listen to Chaos?
 

damienreave

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In all seriousness, I didn't think Castille would honor.​


Independence guarantees are automatically honored. You don't even get the chance to click no, and neither does the AI.

But Daniel didn't know that, and Chaos wouldn't have told him ;)
 

Avindian

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Independence guarantees are automatically honored. You don't even get the chance to click no, and neither does the AI.

But Daniel didn't know that, and Chaos wouldn't have told him ;)

Really? Is this a fairly recent addition? I seem to recall rejecting guarantees for independence in HTTT, at least. Perhaps it was fixed in DW. I shall be the wiser, then.

Madness, I say...madness!
Keep up the good work back in the old stomping grounds of southern Asia.

Well, I suppose they are stomping grounds, in the sense that Assam got stomped... the RNG actually wanted to send me to Manipur, which is unfortunately a vassal now.
 

CivandEUIII

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Really? Is this a fairly recent addition? I seem to recall rejecting guarantees for independence in HTTT, at least. Perhaps it was fixed in DW. I shall be the wiser, then.



Well, I suppose they are stomping grounds, in the sense that Assam got stomped... the RNG actually wanted to send me to Manipur, which is unfortunately a vassal now.
Your RNG sir has a very fixed idea about who you should play, i.e. vassals.
 

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Your RNG sir has a very fixed idea about who you should play, i.e. vassals.

Perhaps you're right; I guess it just doesn't trust me with better countries.
 

CivandEUIII

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Perhaps you're right; I guess it just doesn't trust me with better countries.

probably something like, "oh, what's this, ENG? Ah nooo, pick *insert vassal tag here*"
*waits for ULM to be picked*
 

Avindian

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probably something like, "oh, what's this, ENG? Ah nooo, pick *insert vassal tag here*"
*waits for ULM to be picked*

Ulm would be epic; that's an AAR I've really missed, to be honest. If I'm one tenth of 1% as funny as Svip is, I will consider myself very lucky.
 

Ashantai

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Aye, it's a shame. But, his was so labour intensive to write that in the end it became impossible for him to do. It's a shame that the most artistic and original ones are the hardest to create.

But don't knock yourself down; this is one of the funniest and whackiest AARs I've read! :)
 

Seek75

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I wanna see Daniel lead a country into glorious, absolute victory for once. Just me personally, though. :p