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Avindian

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Admit it - you killed off Bill-with-a-slightly-tarnished-reputation because you could not create more epithets for him :p


Sobriquet = epithet, if you aren't familiar with the term.

No, I'm not enough Bohemian for that. Not that Bohemian, the other Bohemian.

So you're a Bohemian, but not a Bohemian Bohemian. Got it. ;)

I've got to finish something today; it might take me twenty minutes, it might take me the rest of the day, but once I finish, I'll start the update.
 

Memento Mori

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Sobriquet = epithet, if you aren't familiar with the term.

Last time when I was so ashamed of myself involved a large amount of eggs (Faberge's of course) and a banana peel... but yes, I did not know the word :blush:

However I could have easily understood it from context, if I had read your comments more carefully and refrain myself from posting a lame joke, knowing that you did it yourself (although, of course, it wasn't lame when you posted it ;))

Thus, on one hand I am quite sad about looking like a complete and utter fool (like the one in King Lear), on the other one - happy that my guess about your motives was correct :D

Good night sweet prince and the rest is silence (and I am quite drunk while posting this)
 

Avindian

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Last time when I was so ashamed of myself involved a large amount of eggs (Faberge's of course) and a banana peel... but yes, I did not know the word :blush:

However I could have easily understood it from context, if I had read your comments more carefully and refrain myself from posting a lame joke, knowing that you did it yourself (although, of course, it wasn't lame when you posted it ;))

Thus, on one hand I am quite sad about looking like a complete and utter fool (like the one in King Lear), on the other one - happy that my guess about your motives was correct :D

Good night sweet prince and the rest is silence (and I am quite drunk while posting this)

If it makes you feel any better, I've never read King Lear. ;)

Screenshots are done, update should be up in a couple of hours.
 

Avindian

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Bohemia, part 4: I don't wanna work all day, I just wanna bang the [steel] drum all day*

*The actual lyrics are probably different, but I don't really care. That's how I remember it.

I have a new mission for you, Chaos.

"Yes. You said as much before."

I wasn't sure you were listening.

"Why should I? You have all the intelligence of a roasted turnip."

I could roast your head like a turnip.

Chaos glared at Daniel; only somebody as already fundamentally odd as Chaos could glare inside his own head. "I will be absolutely thrilled when we are done here."

A few years yet, my friend.

Chaos grumbled and sulked for a few moment, but then he finally relented. "All right, Exalted Daniel. What is it you require of I, your humble servant?"

Daniel grinned. I could get used to this. Here's your mission.

convertbavaria.jpg


"That shouldn't be so hard. We just grab a few missionaries and... oh. Crap. Can't we just enforce religious unity?"

Too late for that.

"Then it will be conversion by the sword."

Steel drum. Steel drum equipped with muskets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaos forced Gujarat to be his vassal; he didn't know when the war had started, but he had no problem with taking advantage of it. (If this surprises you, may I recommend every single update in this thread? ;))

freevassal.jpg


Meanwhile, Liege inherited Trebizond in 1767, but after that, Milan got Georgia and Trebizond from Georgia, despite Georgia still existing and Trebizond not existing. Finally, on December 5, 1768, the war began. It took so long thanks to a non-violent protest that lasted for six months. It seems that, finally, some of the Bohemian Bohemians figured out that their steel drum circles were having lethal results. Unfortunately for them, being non-violent only works if the other party is willing to respect non-violence. The only reason it took Chaos six months to end the protest was that he was trying to come up with a creative way to kill them all. He bricked up the protesters while he thought, only to discover that even Bohemian Bohemians cannot survive without food or water. Never let it be said that Chaos knew human anatomy very well.

damnyouliege.jpg


"Liege?! Again?!?! Does Liege exist for the sole purpose of tormenting me?"

I thought that was Ethiopia.

"Ethiopia? Where?!?!" Chaos cowered and hid for a moment. "You bastard. You tricked me!"

Quite.

"Look, I could gin up a volcano in thirty seconds and reduce these fools and their land to molten slag."

I'm pretty sure that's not legal.

"But I really wanna!!!!"

Sorry, Chaos. You'll have to do it the old fashioned way.

"Fine. Spoil sport." Chaos pouted for a bit, then ordered the Bohemian Army of Bohemia to invade Bavaria.

franken.jpg


ulmwin.jpg


I had no idea Ulm had such extravagant artwork!

"Extravagant and HILARIOUS artwork." Further improving Chaos's mood were three consecutive triumphs over Liege.

picardie.jpg


battleatcalais.jpg


calaistwobavaria.jpg


"Bavaria doesn't stand a chance now!"

Isn't this about the time that you would make things harder for me on purpose?

"Well yes, but... you wouldn't dare!"

No, I wouldn't.

oberpfalz.jpg


Or would I?

mainev.jpg


"The lobster riders were a particularly cruel touch. Especially since it isn't even THAT Maine!"

I thought you'd like them.

"At least we've got peace with Bavaria now."

bavariawin.jpg


Still have to finish off Liege, though.

normandieu.jpg


"I see your Liege and raise you two more countries I have bent to my will."

morepeaces.jpg


morepainforliege.jpg


Good job, I suppose.

"Gee, thanks, your Majesty. I am glad you deign to give me, a peasant, his proper due."

Think nothing of i-- hey, wait a minute, what the -- OH MY GOD WE'RE BOTH IN HERE AT THE SAME TIME!!! THE HORRORS!!!! WHY? BUT... IF... ?! Daniel let out one more blood curdling scream, trapped inside his head, then passed out. A few moments later, he awoke in the bar.

You do know that doesn't count, brother.

Drat. Eh, can't blame a PELF for trying. Oh, you're back now.

"That was the single worst thing I've ever experienced."

What about being born? That seems like it was a bad move.

Daniel pointedly ignored Chaos. "Hey, where's Bill?"

Tried to sell weapons of unimaginable horror to a psychotic robot.

"Oh, so he got arrested?"

Nope. They didn't work, so he got atomized.

"So who serves drinks now?"

The psychotic robot.

GREETINGS, HUMAN-DESIGNATE 'DANIEL CARLSON.' I AM ROB. HOW MAY I DISSOLVE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS TODAY?

Rob, we've talked about this. You're not allowed to kill paying customers.

BUT HE IS A MEATBAG. MEATBAGS DO NOT DESERVE THE GIFT OF SENTIENCE.

That's immaterial. Look, you're a robot bartender. That means your number one priority is making a profit. The best source of profit is repeat customers.

VERY WELL, PELF-DESIGNATE 'ORDER.' I WILL COMPLY WITH YOUR DIRECTIVES.

Say, is that rust-resistant paint? There are all kinds of ways to damage humans without killing them... it's almost as fun, too!

No, Rob. Injured humans have reduced capacity to pay.

"Can we just move on? I don't like the way he's looking at me."

Fine. We're going to Prussia.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prussia's just an OPM, so don't get too excited. Still, if everything goes well, I might update again before the weekend is out. You never know!
 

Mr. Sometimes

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Another great success!

Let's see, a new OPM. I'll bet you'll just have a bar scene for that session again :p
 

Athalcor

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The Bohemian war tactic is quite easy to understand - if too many soldiers keep dying, just send more of them :D.
 
Last edited:

Rendap

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I vote for the Volvano - In Bohemia so you've failed that one as well... ;)

Good Update! NEXT ONE!
 

MrQwerty

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Prussia, eh?



That being said, I hope you have good relations with Bohemia.
 

Avindian

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Another great success!

Let's see, a new OPM. I'll bet you'll just have a bar scene for that session again :p

I haven't decided yet, mostly because I haven't played yet.

Meatbag? He said...meatbag?

You're my hero.

I aim to please. :D

The Bohemian war tactic is quite easy to understand - if too many soldiers keep dying, just send more of them :D.

You should not reveal the secrets of the Bohemian Empire. Rob would not be pleased.

Oh the winning! It just keeps coming for Bohemia, doesn't it?

Honestly, I would have had to make some pretty boneheaded mistakes to lose.

I vote for the Volvano - In Bohemia so you've failed that one as well... ;)

Good Update! NEXT ONE!

Volvano?

Prussia, eh?



That being said, I hope you have good relations with Bohemia.

Good point. Irony, you are a cruel mistress...
 

EU3NOOB

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A potential Mass-murdering Robot serving drinks in a bar?


Umbongo approve!
 

Avindian

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A potential Mass-murdering Robot serving drinks in a bar?


Umbongo approve!

Umbongo? You know, I think the only person who's going to go crazy in this AAR is me...
 

Anjwalker

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Ahaha. I love Robo.

Awesome success with Bohemia - Though I'm still puzzling over the sentence "Meanwhile, Liege inherited Trebizond in 1767, but after that, Milan got Georgia and Trebizond from Georgia, despite Georgia still existing and Trebizond not existing." I mean, what does that mean?
 

generalolaf

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Rob? Never saw that one coming. :lol:

EDIT: So Liege inherited the nation of Trebizond, then Milan took the province of Trebizond and the province of Georgia from the nation of Georgia?
 

Avindian

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Ahaha. I love Robo.

Awesome success with Bohemia - Though I'm still puzzling over the sentence "Meanwhile, Liege inherited Trebizond in 1767, but after that, Milan got Georgia and Trebizond from Georgia, despite Georgia still existing and Trebizond not existing." I mean, what does that mean?

The good General has it right.

Rob? Never saw that one coming. :lol:

EDIT: So Liege inherited the nation of Trebizond, then Milan took the province of Trebizond and the province of Georgia from the nation of Georgia?

Murderous robots make everything better. That's a law (or it should be if it isn't).
 

blsteen

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Murderous robots make everything better. That's a law (or it should be if it isn't).
'til they come for your ass!:mad:
So Bohemian victory...how interesting.+
Prussia should be a throwback to the old days, Chaos and Daniel riding the winds of disaster:rolleyes:
 
Last edited:

DisgruntledLemming

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So much success... Is it possible? Oh, they're going to an opm, so never mind. :p
 

Avindian

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'til they come for your ass!:mad:
So Bohemian victory...how interesting.+
Prussia should be a throwback to the old days, Chaos and Daniel riding the winds of disaster:rolleyes:

So much success... Is it possible? Oh, they're going to an opm, so never mind. :p

Don't worry folks; catastrophic failure is all but guaranteed! :)

Goal is to play tonight; if I get two OPMs in a row, we might have another two-fer.
 

Avindian

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Northumberland (featuring Prussia!): In which Chaos takes Umbria-ge with Daniel

"That trip to Prussia was over fast."

That'll happen when your mission is to take Warmia.

"Couldn't you let me slide on the missions? Just once?"

Your face is about to slide. Off your head.

"In any event, I bet the Prussian section at the local library will be relatively small."

Maybe. That's one thing you humans are good at. Killing each other. Then breeding, so there are more to kill.

"There is more to being human than breeding and killing!"

Such as?

"Art, culture, books!"

All of which are predominantly used to get humans to mate with one another.

"Movies? Architecture? Music?"

Ditto.

"Gourmet food?"

Energy for mating. Also, attracting mates.

Daniel sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, you win."

Yay! I win! Wanna see a magic trick?

"Uh... sure."

Pick a card, any card.

"I can't see the deck of cards; I'm on the outside now."

Oh right. There. A deck of cards materialized in Daniel's hands.

"Okay. Got one."

Is this your card?

"No." Daniel, possessed by an odd spirit, picked up a stick and hit himself in the head.

This one?

"That's the same one, so no, it isn't my card." This time, Daniel shot himself in the foot with a conveniently placed musket.

This one?

"No, still not it. WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ME DO TO MYSELF?!" Daniel found himself doused in lamp oil with a lit match in his right hand.

Is this the card?

"FINE, YES! IT'S MY DAMNED CARD! NOW DON'T IMMOLATE ME!"

Tada! Magic!

Daniel found himself dry a few moments later. "How long were you going to do that?"

Until you had the right card.

"Didn't you already know my card? You saw me draw it."

Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention.

Daniel's mouth opened, then closed. Opened, then closed again. He shook his head in quiet desperation. "So, Northumberland?"

Northumberland.

"And my mission?"

Suck a little less than you do now.

northumberlandeconmap.jpg


northumberlandmission.jpg


"That's... surprisingly nice of you."

To be honest, I just want to get this over with. It's 1777, which means less than 50 years to go.

"For once, I entirely agree with you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel was appointed Prime Minister of Northumberland by the time honored process of being the first to apply for the job. The man who hired him, the King, seemed visibly relieved.

"I am so glad to meet you, Mr. Carlson. Do you know, I've had this ad in the paper for six months?"

"I'm surprised there wasn't more interest."

The King nodded. "I thought I had an applicant last week, but it was just a homeless person looking for shelter from the rain. I told him he could stay if he took the job."

"And?"

"He went back in the rain. Got pneumonia, I shouldn't wonder."

Daniel briefly glanced at the heavens and turned his attention back to the King. "Why do you think he turned it down?"

The King shrugged. "We are a small country, surrounded by enemies who wish us harm."

"I suppose."

"Especially the English."

Daniel paused. "Aren't you English?"

"Of course; don't be daft."

"I must have heard you incorrectly. You are English, yet your enemy is England?"

"Right."

Daniel blinked. "Shouldn't you, you know, be friends with England?"

"Why the devil would we be friends with England? They're scum, blighters really."

Daniel, against his better judgment, tried to help the king see the error of his ways. "What language do you speak?"

"English."

"What nationality are you?"

"English."

"Your culture?"

"English."

"Your muffins?"

"English."

Daniel checked each one off. "Would you call yourself Northumbrian?"

The King laughed. "Oh, good heavens, no. It's 1777, man. The Northumbrians died out over 500 years ago! I am an Englishman."

"So then why do you hate the English?"

"Because they're right bastards, those English pigs!"

Daniel gave up. "How about we declare war on them?"

"Now you're talking!"

englandwar.jpg

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That was easy."

englanddead.jpg


Easier than this headline. 'England defeated by glorious English army of Englishmen. The English are furious and vow to regain England from their most fierce foes and bitterest enemies, the English.

"You know, I just had a terrible thought. Let's go after Britain too."

Good move. These are even more confusing than your average humans.

britishwar.jpg


"Can we take London?"

Nah, they've got colonies and control over Scotland.

"Will Liege let us cross?"

Nope.

"Can't we just invade Ayrshire?"

Try it and see.

Three different Scottish rebellions later, Daniel bowed to the inevitable and took what he could get (which was rather a lot) after buying off Great Britain's friends.

threepeaces.jpg


britainspanked.jpg


Prime Minister Carlson approached the King, who was delighted to have even more territory. "Splendid work, old boy. Absolutely splendid!"

"Thank you, Sire."

"Have those English miscreants been misbehaving?"

"No, sir. We have good English soldiers watching over them."

"Well done. A keen eye for politics, Prime Minister. You grasp the exigencies of our plight very well."

"Thank you."

"Now, those British, they're jolly good fellows."

Daniel coughed. "Didn't we just beat them?"

"I should say so! The lousy Brits fell before us like wheat before a scythe!"

"So why do we like them?"

"Look at this lovely card!"

Dear Northumberland,

Way to put those English in their place! Sure, you stole our territory after rebels killed our army, wiped your nose on the British flag, and had sex with my wife, daughter, and a very confused looking horse I'm rather fond of. Still, better you English than those dratted English. No hard feelings.

nohardfeelings.jpg


Your friends,

Great Britain.

PS. Be a good chap and take down Cornwall, won't you?

gwynedd.jpg

The King looked expectantly at Daniel. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

"You want me to attack Cornwall?"

"Yes."

"To recover Gwynedd?"

"That's it precisely."

"Because the British said so?"

The King just nodded.

Wow, this guy is dense.

"You do understand that Milan is their ally?"

The King scratched his head. "Isn't Milan our ally?"

"No, they abandoned us."

"I thought they abandoned Northumberland."

"We're Northumberland."

The King cocked his head to one side. "I thought we were England. You're the Prime Minister, you should be on top of this sort of thing."

"If I declare war on Cornwall, despite the almost doom it will entail, will you promise never to mention England or the English ever again?"

"But we're English."

Daniel bit his lip to keep from choking the King. "Just... don't say it."

The King shrugged. "Fair's fair. I promise."

"Delightful."

waroncornwall.jpg

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Initially, Daniel did very well, taking Gwynedd and Glamorgan with little effort expended. Then Milan started calling her allies. What was nearly impossible once quickly became impossibly impossible.

thewarexpands.jpg


Thanks to copious amounts of mercenaries, and the willingness of the Northumberland army to die in huge quantities, at one point, Northumberland had no enemies on her shores. Cornwall, however, refused to surrender. Prime Minister Daniel went to the King to see what he could do. He found the King in his study, doodling on a notepad.

"Ah, there you are. How goes our war?"

"Well, pretty badly. All of Europe has united against us."

"Even Liege?"

Daniel grudgingly shook his head, in awe that, for once, the King displayed some sense of the geopolitical situation. "No, Sire. Liege has remained neutral."

"Jolly good." The King stared and thought for a few moments. "So why are we still at war? Liege surrendered."

"No, we weren't fighting Liege."

"We weren't?"

"Cornwall, sir."

"Why on earth would we fight Cornwall? I can't stand corn."

An uncomfortable realization dawned on Daniel. "Sire, how did you become King?"

"What an absurd question. I was anointed by God." Daniel started to relax, but immediately stiffened as the King continued. "I was also the first to apply for the position."

"What was your prior occupation?"

The King frowned as he tried to dredge up old memories. Then he brightened. "Space alien."

"Space alien?"

"Yes. Wait, no. That's not it. What do you call those blokes with the guns who are always marching about?"

"Soldiers?"

"Yes, those." Daniel waited for the other shoe to drop. He didn't have to wait long. "I wasn't one of those. I was a stable owner."

"Why did you change jobs?"

"Kicked in the head one too many times, I suspect. I hardly ever get kicked in the head any more."

Daniel simply bowed and left. When he was alone, he asked Chaos for advice. You want to know what to do with him?

"Yes, please. Any advice would be lovely."

Kill him.

"That's your solution for everything!"

It's a good solution.

"Besides killing him."

Drive him to the point of insanity so he kills himself?

"Try again."

Make him kill somebody else so he ends up in prison or, better yet, gets executed?

"No murder!"

Cry baby. 'Boo hoo hoo, I don't like killing my fellow humans. It makes me feel icky inside. Boo hoo hoo.'

"How would you feel if somebody killed Order or Death?"

Why, are they dead?

"No."

Damn. I wanted their stuff.

"You wouldn't be sad?"

Chaos shrugged. I'd win the bet by default. The only reason I haven't killed them is because I can't.

"Can you actually kill Death?"

I dunno. Want me to try?

"No thanks. So, Cornwall."

Right. Yeah, you're screwed.

"Really?"

Oh yeah. See?

derbyq.jpg


"I resisted Bohemia AND Milan combined for four years. FOUR YEARS."

You know what's another word for 'second place'?

"Loser?"

Loser.

"As always, your moral support is without peer."

Any time.

"So you're saying I should just surrender?"

Too late. You're completely occupied now.

backtosquareone.jpg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel stared at the King of Northumberland with disgust. The King was completely oblivious to the destruction he'd caused.

"You give in too easily."

The King looked at Daniel in confusion. "I beg your pardon? We won."

"We won?"

"Yes, Northumberland was taken down a peg."

"For the last time. We. Are. Northumberland."

The King frowned. "That doesn't sound right."

"YOU DON'T SOUND RIGHT!"

"I don't? Maybe I need to see the dentist."

Daniel was about ready to act when there was a knock on the door. "Go answer that, PM."

Daniel opened the door to find a mob of angry soldiers politely waiting outside. "Can I help you gentlemen?"

"We're revolutionaries, sir."

"I thought we already surrendered to you."

The leader shook his head. "I can see where you might think that, but no. You're thinking of the particularists 20 years ago."

surrender.jpg


"Ah, yes. What do you want?"

"To establish a revolutionary dictatorship."

"Who would the dictator be?"

There was a long pause. A few coughed. "Um... we hadn't thought that far ahead. We thought it would be a protracted struggle."

Daniel nodded. "Still, you ought to sort that out."

"Yes. We'd better. Can we come back in a few days?"

"Take all the time you need."

"Thank you, sir. You're very kind."

Daniel checked the desk calendar -- it was late 1793. Four years later, in September of 1797, Daniel heard another knock on the door. When he opened the door, the same revolutionaries waited.

"Ah, gentlemen. Welcome back."

"Thank you."

"Thanks for getting rid of Louisiana. The Isles are confusing enough as it is without Louisiana getting land here too."

The leader of the revolutionaries smiled. "Think nothing of it. Say, could we make you the dictator?"

"I'm leaving in a few days."

"Too bad." The leader thought for a few moments. "How about the King?"

"No! In fact, if you want into the palace, I'm going to have to insist you kill him."

"Kill the King? But that's treason!"

"Isn't revolution already treason?"

The revolutionaries were stumped once again. The leader brightened. "What if... um... I became dictator? Can we do that?"

"You're revolutionaries. There isn't exactly a rule book."

The leader laughed in triumph. "Then it's settled. I'll be dictator and we'll arrest the King."

"Kill him."

"Do we have to kill him?"

Daniel nodded, unwilling to budge an inch. "I'm not going to let you in unless you promise to kill him."

"Couldn't we just kill you?"

"You could, theoretically, but then my corpse would block the door, wouldn't it?"

Murmurs of "He's got you there, Reggie!" and "That would be a spot of bother, certainly," and "Fandango!" rippled through the crowd. Daniel spotted the Bohemian Bohemian glared, and ordered the leader to kill him too. "Very well, sir. I promise to kill the King and Hans -- sorry, Hans."

"Then you can come in."

The revolutionaries entered the palace in triumph, only to discover the King wasn't there. After a careful inspection, it was determined that the King had joined the revolutionaries sometime in 1795 since he had nothing better to do.

Reggie -- the leader of the revolutionaries -- was now in a pickle. "Um, Mr. Carlson, sir? I can't kill him, he's one of my soldiers."

"Doesn't the revolution always consume it's own children or something like that?"

"I don't know, does it? This is the first time we've revolted." One of the more sassy revolutionaries said, "Too right, Reggie, you're bloody revolting!" Everybody laughed, especially Reggie. "He always makes that joke and it's always funny!"

I could kill the King for you.

"You know what? Do that. And get me out of here."

All right! It's time to party!

After a couple of minutes, nothing happened. "Chaos?"

What? An artist needs time to produce to prepare a masterpiece.

"I haven't got time! Look, I'll do it. Reggie, give me your gun."

Reggie looked at Daniel doubtfully. "You aren't going to kill the King with it, are you?"

"If I said yes, would you still give me the gun?"

"I'd have to say no."

"Then no, I'm not going to kill the King."

Reggie, relieved, handed the musket to Daniel, who promptly shot the King. The revolutionaries were horrified. "Mr. Carlson! You lied to me!"

"It's a revolution. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs."

One of the revolutionaries made an ugly face. "He's right, Reggie. Remember that time Mikey put hard boiled eggs in the omelet?" Reggie shuddered.

Daniel waved dismissively. "Look, guys. He's dead. Deal with it. I'm leaving."

Daniel found an open forest a mile away and sat down. After an hour, Daniel coughed loudly. "Chaos? It's time to go."

I know, I know. Look, the Random Number Generator is broken.

"Is it?"

That's what I just said.

"Hmm... we only have one country to go!"

Looks like we'll have to find another way to choose the next (and final) country.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a special thank you to all of you for sticking with this AAR without going insane (or, if you were already insane, not getting drool into the computer and electrocuting yourselves), I've gotten permission from loki100 to hold a little vote for the last country! (Thanks, loki!)

Here are the criteria.

1. No OPMs.
2. No countries we've already done.
3. No vassals or junior partners in PUs.

Here's my latest save, for those of you that want to play around a bit. (You need DW 5.2 beta to play.)

When voting for a country (please choose one and only one), bold your choice. I'll tally the results and the winner will be my final country for the last 20 (or so years) until 1821. I'll give you until Tuesday at 10 PM CST (-6 GMT) to cast your ballots!