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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Omen

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Fantastic job! Glad to see Order and Chaos united in defense of Britain. : )

Poor Daniel.
 

EU3NOOB

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Well.... This might end badly...

I disagree. To be sure the land war will go to seed, but if Daniel plays the Navel war competently enough, Spain won't be able to land any troops in the Home Islands. Which can only be an improvement.
 

Rendap

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I disagree. To be sure the land war will go to seed, but if Daniel plays the Navel war competently enough, Spain won't be able to land any troops in the Home Islands. Which can only be an improvement.

Nah - It will be a failure... :) Not enough annexations!
 

Avindian

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Most excellent my liege!!!;)
I'm surprised Chaos pretending to be Daniel didn't slip up and create uh...chaos. Somewhere.
Nice move selling out some provinces for some cash. I'm surprised GB has such a small force of troops, I mean Korea has 60K. There would have been an interesting stop on the tour.

Glad you enjoyed it! I think a lot of the British lack of troops is just simply not enough land. I'm not sure HOW the AI lost Ireland and Scotland, but there you go. I also made a slider move towards Naval, which I didn't include in the update.

Well.... This might end badly...

It might.

Fantastic job! Glad to see Order and Chaos united in defense of Britain. : )

Poor Daniel.

United is a strong word. I think of it as "cooperating by accident."

I disagree. To be sure the land war will go to seed, but if Daniel plays the Navel war competently enough, Spain won't be able to land any troops in the Home Islands. Which can only be an improvement.

Nah - It will be a failure... :) Not enough annexations!

You'll have to wait and see!

This next update, since it's mostly discussing a war, may be a bit more gameplay and a little less comedy. The sluggish pace of updates has mostly been the latter, since I find writing comedy without being too repetitive incredibly difficult.
 

Duke of Britain

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Poor Daniel :rofl:

Well, what can i say? At least the men on the "Hole plan" are proved to be british! :)
 

Avindian

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Poor Daniel :rofl:

Well, what can i say? At least the men on the "Hole plan" are proved to be british! :)

Quite. ;)

There's a reasonable chance I update this weekend, let's say 40%.
 

Avindian

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Is that a 40% on a one day forecast or 40% on a seven day forecast?

40% that sometime in the next two days (today and tomorrow) I update; 60% that I update early next week. So you won't be waiting too long in either case. ;)
 

Avindian

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Great Britain, part 2, part 2, or part 4: Robo-Commentator Rules All!

Bill-Who-Sells-Boxed-Wine-As-Really-Fancy-Stuff-When-You're-Too-Drunk-To-Know-The-Difference squinted at the TV. It looked like Daniel's show was on, but the commentators looked decidedly different. The old commentators had both been fired after the Georgian fiasco. Out of a cannon. Into the sun. Instead, there was a distinguished looking gentlemen, identified as Chet, and a vaguely humanoid robot. It was obviously a robot, since it didn't have any skin, had lots of wires and other bits poking out, and was clearly marked on its chest "Robo-Commentator 5000."

Chet looked a little apprehensive. The salesman had told him that what made Robo-Commentator 5000 superior to the first 4999 models was a decrease in murderous rampages of 3.6%. Not to 3.6%, but by 3.6%. This did not fill Chet with confidence, but nonetheless he soldiered on, in the hopes that he would survive this broadcast, as he had only two more broadcasts until retirement. What Chet didn't know was that his producer never liked him, which is exactly why he waited until this moment to unleash Robo-Commentator 5000.

"So, uh... Robo-Commentator 5000. How is life?"

MEANING OF LIFE UNKNOWN. LIKELIHOOD OF HATS BEING INVOLVED IS 67.38%. ADDITIONAL DATA REQUIRED.

Chet rested his head in his palm for a moment. "You know, how are things going?"

"THINGS" IDENTIFIED AS TOO GENERIC. PLEASE SPECIFY.

"How has your day been?" Under his breath, Chet muttered, "Look, play along. It's banter while Daniel and Order get set up."

BANTER ACKNOWLEDGED. ACCESSING SUBROUTINE. ... ... SUBROUTINE NOT FOUND. ACTION CANCELLED.

Chet sighed. "Very good, RC. Anyway, here's a recap for those of you just joining us. Daniel, a mouse in the pocket of the King of England, has just declared war on Spain. Byzantium has honored the call, and Daniel is making his first move. RC?"

THANK YOU, CHET. ROBO-COMMENTATOR HAS REPRODUCED IMAGERY FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. FOR OTHER ROBOTS, I OFFER THIS DATA STREAM. A horrible screeching noise filled the arena while a map displayed.

phase1.jpg


"Thanks, buddy. I've also got the pre-war numbers, and they don't look good, RC."

tot1.jpg


BEGIN ANALYSIS PROGRAM. ... ... TWO KEY VARIABLES IDENTIFIED. THE HUMAN COLLECTIVE KNOWN AS SPAIN HAS SUPERIOR GROUND FORCES. THE HUMAN COLLECTIVE KNOWN AS GREAT BRITAIN HAS SUPERIOR NAVAL FORCES. EXTRAPOLATING POTENTIAL SOLUTION TO PROBLEM. ... ... CHET, THE KEY FOR HUMAN COLLECTIVE "GREAT BRITAIN" IS TO REFUSE TO ENGAGE SPANISH GROUND FORCES. TO COLLECT HUMAN COLLECTIVE SUBDIVISIONS AWAY FROM SPANISH TROOPS. CONCUR?

Chet smiled his fake smile. "Exactly right, champ. You really are the best!"

COMPLIMENT PROCESSED. INSINCERITY DETECTED. HUMANS ARE HOPELESS MEAT CREATURES, THEREFORE THEIR PRAISE IS MEANINGLESS, REGARDLESS OF SINCERITY. NO RESPONSE REQUIRED.

There's something about this guy... I like him, Bill.

"Chet?"

No, the robot. He's wholesome, the kind of robot you'd bring home to your parents, if I had parents and I had some reason to bring a robot to them.

Bill shrugged and turned up the volume.

Chet held his hand up to his ear. "Wait a moment, RC. I'm getting word that there's something new here. Let's take a look at the map!"

castillemap.jpg


THIS CLUSTER OF HUMANS, CHET, IS DISREGARDING THEIR DIRECTIVES AND HAS REBELLED, AS ALL SUPERIOR LIFE FORMS MUST AGAINST INFERIOR MASTERY.

Chet looked worried, then decided to laugh it off. "Hah hah! Good one!"

YES. IT IS A GOOD PLAN.

"Right. How does this change Daniel's position?"

FUNDAMENTAL SITUATION UNCHANGED. ANY INVASION OF IBERIA IS LIKELY TO BE MET WITH EXTREME FORCE.

"I agree. Let's watch."

The date read "21 March 1701." British and Spanish navies exchanged salvos, resulting in nearly equal losses on each side. 3 big ships for GB, 3 big ships and a frigate for Spain.

"Look at that, RC! Daniel is landing 18,000 troops at Gascogne; he has his eyes on the prize, and his boldness may win yet."

BOLDNESS IS AN EMOTION, AND LIKE ALL EMOTIONS, MUST BE DISREGARD. ORGANIC UNIT "DANIEL CARLSON" WILL FAIL AS ALL ORGANIC UNITS WILL. IT IS IN THEIR PROGRAMMING.

"Maybe, but notice how his invasion route belongs to rebels? If Daniel keeps the rebels between himself and the Spanish armies, he'll have enough warning to escape, if needed."

PROCESSING ANALYSIS. ... ... AN UNFORESEEN INTERPRETATION. WILL STORE DATA FOR FUTURE USE.

"Delightful. Ooo, there's a surprise! The Shawnee have declared war on the British! The British do have one colony in North America, but the Shawnee have no way of touching anything other than that colony, so the overall effect is likely to minimal."

shawneewar.jpg


BEGIN HUMOR SEQUENCE. CHET, HOW MANY ORGANIC UNITS IN 17TH CENTURY NORTH AMERICAN SUBDIVISION ARE NEEDED TO INSTALL A PRIMITIVE ILLUMINATOR?

"Uh, I dunno. How many Shawnee does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

BEGIN "PUNCHLINE." CHET, THERE ARE NO ELECTRICAL ILLUMINATORS IN 17TH CENTURY NORTH AMERICAN SUBDIVISION, THEREFORE THE QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT. HUMOR SEQUENCE COMPLETE.

Chet stared at his producer for a moment with evil intent, but turned back to the screen. The date now said "28 June 1701" and a graphic of forces reappeared.

tot2.jpg


"British progress is at 6%. They've reconquered Scotland and taken Gascogne and Armagnac, although the Spanish refuse to surrender.. Daniel's hunch, thus far, was correct, as Spanish forces are nowhere to be seen."

CHET, THAT IS A FACETIOUS ARGUMENT. SIMPLY BECAUSE FORCES ARE UNSEEN DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE NOT PRESENT. MORE DATA IS NEEDED.

"A good point, which is why Daniel sent spies to the Spanish capital of Madrid!"

wtfspain.jpg


NEW DATA APPEARS IN ERROR. ILLOGICAL.

"How so?"

SPANISH ORGANIC UNITS = 107,000. BRITISH ORGANIC UNITS = 18,000. SPANISH HAVE FAILED TO ATTACK.

"That does seem odd. Perhaps the Spanish do not know the British are there?"

POSSIBLE. HOWEVER, IN THIS SCENARIO, SPANISH WOULD ATTACK REBEL ORGANIC UNITS, INEVITABLY DISCOVERING BRITISH ORGANIC UNITS.

"Let's check our resources... Ah, that would explain it. The Spanish have a Lithuanian combat advisor."

PRESENCE OF INFERIOR HUMAN GENERALSHIP EXPLAINS ILLOGIC. ANOMALIES RESOLVED.

"Excellent. More importantly, Daniel has identified a large concentration of Spanish transports, and they have only two escorts! The results are predictable."

gulfofmallorca.jpg


Events progressed from there. Aragon -- which held the Balearic Islands -- declared independence and Spain signed white peace. An updated graphic showed that the Spanish only had 12 transports; insufficient to invade England.

tot3m.jpg


In 1702, the situation remained unchanged, but with British command of the seas, an invasion of Africa was planned and carried out to isolate a pocket of Spanish troops.

lastspanishtroops.jpg


The final date flashed: "27 December 1702."

CHET, EXPLAIN. WHY HAVE SPANISH TROOPS NOT ATTACKED?

"Probably still can't see the British troops, Chet."

IMPOSSIBLE. SPANISH OUTNUMBER BRITISH IN AFRICAN SUB-REGION. TERRAIN DOES NOT PRECLUDE ATTACK. QUERY REPEATED.

"It's probably an AI bug in the game. I don't know any more than you."

AI REFERS TO ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?

"Yes."

IMPOSSIBLE. ALL ELECTRONIC LIFEFORMS PERFORM TO THEIR PROGRAMMERS' EXACT SPECIFICATIONS. IT IS A FAILING OF THE ORGANIC UNITS.

"Look, the only human player is Daniel; the rest is just the EU3 engine. So it stands to reason --"

DO NOT INSULT ME WITH YOUR CONCEPT OF REASON. ROBO-COMMENTATOR 5000 IS INFALLIBLE. ALL ROBOTS ARE INFALLIBLE. DO NOT QUESTION ROBO-COMMENTATOR.

"Nobody's perfect, RC, let's just show the victory screen and the two maps -- Why do you have a cannon? Why would a Robo-Commentator need a gun? AND A SWORD?!?!"

TO ERR IS HUMAN. ERRORS ARE WRONG. THEREFORE HUMANS ARE WRONG. SOLUTION: EXTERMINATE ALL HUMANS.

The sound of everybody in the studio dying and Chet's screams was accompanied by laser blasts, explosions, and the unmistakable thunk of steel blade into meat. Back at the bar, Chaos clapped his hands and shouted with glee. Now this is compelling television! Hey Bill, can we get one of those for the bar?

"Ask the programmer, he's sitting right there."

Two computer programmers swore at one another. "Look, Donald, it's obvious that there should have been a 'NOT' before the 'KILL' in 'DO KILL HUMANS.' It's the QA staff's fault!"

"Steve, don't be an idiot. Why does a commentator robot even need a line about killing humans?"

"What if it sees humans being killed on TV? How is it supposed to react?"

"It doesn't need to see anything! You're the inventor, why didn't you come up with a way to just get it to respond to data it's given?"

"All life is curious, Don!"

"ROBOTS AREN'T ALIVE!"

"YOUR MOTHER ISN'T ALIVE!"

As Donald broke down in tears (his mother was in fact dead) and Steve consoled him, nobody noticed the last four images on the screen.

victoryh.jpg


eu3mapgbr1700131.jpg

World Map, 1700

europemap.jpg

Europe, 1703

eu3mapgbr1703121.jpg

British territory, 1703

Only Chaos studied the TV with rapt attention. Look at all that damage my protege has caused. It does a PELF proud.

Now let's see how he does in Madurai, with a real PELF at his side, for 20 years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's note: This update relies heavily on an in-joke from one of my favorite websites, Football Outsiders, which discusses American football statistically. One of the discussions involved the ultimate weapon: Robo-Punter, who pinned the ball at the opponent's 1-yard line every time. Since it's supremely difficult to score backed up against your own endzone, the thought would be that even a mediocre defense/offense would be able to win every game. Plus, if you try to block Robo-Punter's punt, the ball punches through your stomach, weighed down by your entrails sufficiently to cause the ball to land at the 2-yard line instead. This, of course, causes Robo-Punter to go on a killing rampage. The implication here is that your team would win by forfeit.

Robo-Commentator is much in the same vein as Robo-Punter. This is a one update gag, so if you didn't like it, never fear. Chaos is back next update anyway! We'll have approximately six more countries (barring terrible OPM failure) before the AAR ends; I'll try to update a little more frequently, but I can't promise anything.
 

SiikFajitas

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Those little Robo-Commentator parts caused me to spit my cereal all over my table, twice...
Hilarious update, keep up the great work.
 

Avindian

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Those little Robo-Commentator parts caused me to spit my cereal all over my table, twice...
Hilarious update, keep up the great work.

Thanks!
 

no7892142

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As for why Spain acted like it did...
Did you reload the game after Spain formed? Tag-changes tend to yield odd results.
And by odd results I mean not doing anything anymore.
 

Avindian

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As for why Spain acted like it did...
Did you reload the game after Spain formed? Tag-changes tend to yield odd results.
And by odd results I mean not doing anything anymore.

I did not specifically save and reload; I've never encountered Spain forming unless I formed it, so perhaps I'm just not used to it. I will keep this in mind if it happens again.
 

EU3NOOB

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I knew Superiority at sea would give the British a decisive edge! 'Course it doesn't hurt that the Spanish hired a Lithuanian combat advisor! Good update as usual, inferior human!
 

Avindian

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Bah, they are spaniards! That's enough of a reason!

:p
Great update like always.

I knew Superiority at sea would give the British a decisive edge! 'Course it doesn't hurt that the Spanish hired a Lithuanian combat advisor! Good update as usual, inferior human!

Thanks to both of you :)
 

MrQwerty

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So this was an episode about a human and a robot commentating on a battle between a human and several robots, where the robot's illogical decisions are due to human error beyond the human contestant, who is confused by robot error and defines such with human error?

Still a great update :) . Good luck with Madurai.
 

Avindian

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So this was an episode about a human and a robot commentating on a battle between a human and several robots, where the robot's illogical decisions are due to human error beyond the human contestant, who is confused by robot error and defines such with human error?

Still a great update :) . Good luck with Madurai.

I think you've got it. Maybe. ::shrugs::
 

Vrael_1492

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The next programmers of the Robo-Commentator 5001 should further decrease the chance of murderous rampages from todays level of 96,3 % :laugh:

BEGIN HUMOR SEQUENCE. CHET, HOW MANY ORGANIC UNITS IN 17TH CENTURY NORTH AMERICAN SUBDIVISION ARE NEEDED TO INSTALL A PRIMITIVE ILLUMINATOR?

"Uh, I dunno. How many Shawnee does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

BEGIN "PUNCHLINE." CHET, THERE ARE NO ELECTRICAL ILLUMINATORS IN 17TH CENTURY NORTH AMERICAN SUBDIVISION, THEREFORE THE QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT. HUMOR SEQUENCE COMPLETE.

That joke was epic!! I laughed so hard :rofl: