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Duke of Britain

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Reruns are great, it leaves some interesting possibilities like what if he actually became a known historical figure on said country?
Or something like that...

Anyway, there are many possibilities with Daniel returning to countries he has already been at...
 

Avindian

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The response seems to be pretty positive thus far, so we'll live (or die?) by the RNG from now on, reruns included! If I get the energy, update on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully I'll get some comedy inspiration somewhere.
 

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Ethiopia, part 2: The Redeadening*

*1 million points to anybody who knows the reference.

econmapethiopia.jpg


missionf.jpg


Daniel blinked the teleportation goo out of his eyes. "Order, why does the goo smell suspiciously like mango Jell-O?"

Because nobody likes mango Jell-O and we're trying to get rid of it. Any goo will do, actually.

"Well, at least I'm not feeling sick every time we teleport."

Chaos said you'd enjoy trying the "Great Spirit Badger" bit one last time, Mr. Carlson, so here you are.

"Thanks. I think. We're at war?"

Order nodded. Yes, with Iraq.

"Fair enough. We should probably find the High Shaman and work our voodoo on him."

Order's eyes narrowed. Yes. We should.

After about an hour of blacking out, Daniel woke up again. "Hey Order, what h-- OH SWEET JESUS WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?"

The dead person in the center of the room is the High Priest.

"I-I can see that. What are all the other bodies?"

Hmm? Oh, those. They were getting ready to perform a funeral after a number of people died of the plague. Very unpleasant.

"Oh. Whew. For a minute there, I thought you --"

Slaughtered all of those people? Why, Mr. Carlson, I am not my brother.

"Then why kill the High Priest?"

Because he is.

"He is what?"

My brother.

"The High Priest is your brother?"

No, Chaos.

"The High Priest is Chaos? I didn't see that c- AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

The forgotten pain of 500,000 volts coursing through his brain was all of a sudden no longer forgotten.

Better now? Good, Daniel. May I call you Daniel? Of course I can. I shall make this perfectly plain. Chaos is my brother; I killed the High Priest out of revenge.

"I thought you were the good guy."

You've been with us long enough to know that 'good' and 'evil' are strictly relative. I was very humane.

All of a sudden, the corpses began to move. And rise. One or two fell back over -- they didn't have any legs -- and one poor corpse kept walking in circles because his foot was caught in a hole. The rest, however, lunged for the Great Spirit Badger.

"Aahhh! They're zombies!"

Zombies? What are those?

"The living dead! And me without my boomstick!"

You know, it's been a while since I've done this. Maybe I got something wrong. Mortals die when you rip out their souls and leave their bodies alive, right?

"No! It's the other way around!"

Whoops! Boy, is my face red! Order chuckled.

"Can we, you know, leave?"

What are you worried about, Daniel? You can't be killed.

"The zombies can still munch on my brain."

Daniel Carlson! Shame on you for such filthy language!

"Wait, what? My brain is the center of my nervous system. What did you think I meant?"

It isn't your reproductive organ? Oh, dear. I fear I have a lot to learn about anatomy. That class I took didn't help at all.

"Who taught it?"

I can't remember his name, but he looked vaguely like a lobster.

"I... see."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the initial panic wore off, Daniel realized something about the plague zombies. First of all, they had the plague. That made them less than capable at running down people. Second, the process didn't entirely take. Instead of being bloodthirsty undead, they were singing off-key show tunes. They were still undead, you understand, but singing instead of trying to eat brains. The singing was so bad it could make your brain melt, but at least A) they weren't trying to kill Daniel and B) they were easy to avoid. A lucky comet plummeted to Earth, killing them once and for all.

comettime.jpg


"You know, that's the first time I've ever been glad to see that comet."

Me, too. I like 'Somewhere' as much as the next person, but that one unholy horror was flat the entire time. Possibly because most of his jaw was missing.

"Missing one's jaw can certainly affect pitch."

In any event, we should focus on the task at hand. I'm quite certain we'll have no further problems with High Priests, as everybody ran screaming from the temple.

"Yes."

One of the first things was a peace offer from Iraq.

firstoffer.jpg


"We have their only province that borders us, and we defeated them handily last time. I say no!"

Daniel, you do recall that it's been nearly 80 years, yes?

"I do. Why do you say that?"

Because this.

thisdoesnotbodewell.jpg


"Ouch. The High Chief and 4957 other soldiers are dead. Really dead, not zombie dead."

I could make them zombies, if you like.

"I'd rather you didn't."

They could even be those flesh-eating types you're always raving about.

"Uh... no. I wonder what would happen if we chose a better leader?"

battleofhaud.jpg


A slightly better casualty ratio.

"We killed almost six times as many of them!"

You did. At that rate, you would only require 66,000 troops to defeat Iraq.

"And we have 11,000?"

Right.

Daniel nodded slowly. "I suppose we should give peace a chance."

That seems best.

defeati.jpg

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"... and with our Great Spirit Badger looking after us, we will defeat any foe! All hail the Great Spirit Badger!"

The new High Chief, Quastantinos IV, beamed as his followers cheered.

newhighchief.jpg


"Order, what was he talking about?"

I'm sure I don't know.

"Are you sure about that?"

No. Also, I may have left something out.

"What's that?"

The RNG roll at the beginning of the game.

"Game?"

Forget that part. It's an 18.

"Is 18 good or bad?"

How many good things have happened to you in the past nigh 300 years?

"Good point."

Essentially, the High Chief is going to declare war on his largest non-religion rival.

"... I don't suppose you mean the natives in the neighboring province?"

I do not.

At that moment, the High Chief grinned. "Death to the Spaniards!"

crusade.jpg


Daniel's response is unprintable.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a few days of cursing, drinking, vomiting, and drinking again, Daniel decided to try to make the best of things.

I had no idea badgers got drunk so easily.

"They do."

You learn something new every day, I guess.

"So how bad is it?"

Well...

ohcrapg.jpg


"Hey! We've got over 160,000 troops!"

You're holding it the wrong way.

Daniel saw the truth and his spirits plummeted like a grand piano off a cliff. Why is a grand piano falling off a cliff? Obviously because the movers don't know how to tie a grand piano down. Obviously.

"It's June 1685. I have an idea."

What's that?

"Burn all the crops and run away."

What will that accomplish?

"We'll survive."

So, your plan is to hope, essentially, Castille gets bored and goes home?

"It worked for Lithuania."

That's not very encouraging.

"Your face isn't very encouraging!"

That was kind of mean.

"You're right. It was. I'm sorry."

No harm done.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The first part of Daniel's plan -- burn the crops and run away -- was sound. It kept the Spaniards away for two years. The second part -- Castille gets bored and goes home -- did not.

gonder.jpg


Yes. The Battle of Gonder. A lesser man would make a Lord of the Rings pun here. I am above that.

...

Stop laughing! I am!

...

Really!

...

Okay, okay! "The Ethiopian troops ARAGORN after that battle!" (Say it aloud if you don't get it. Ar-a-gorn.) You're welcome.

"Hey, maybe we'll have better luck the next time."

Guess again.

awsah.jpg


"Third time's a charm?"

Your faith would be endearing if it weren't so misplaced.

ifat.jpg


"Fine. I'm sure the High Chief will negotiate a reasonable peace."

I find your lack of lack of faith disturbing.

youwontgetmethateasily.jpg


"... He rejects it until we're at -3 stability, doesn't he?"

Yes. Yes he does. The final peace isn't that bad, though.

castillewin.jpg


Daniel paused for a moment with no further comment from Order. "All right, what's the catch?"

It isn't the final war.

britishwar.jpg


"You know what? I've had it with Ethiopia. Send me back to Bill's."

Fair enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The war with the British, as expected, had little trouble with the Ethiopians. Especially since Order wasn't all that helpful, actually telling Ethiopian soldiers to point their spears the wrong way for laughs. In the Battle of Taka, 8000 Ethiopians were killed or captured at the cost of zero British. The peace the British granted the Ethiopians was generous, but Daniel saw from the bar that Ethiopia's survival until 1821 was unlikely.

britishwin.jpg


When Order arrived at Bill's, he found Daniel deep in a glass of beer. Literally. Order forgot to change him back from a badger and Bill has large glasses.

"Where are we going next time, Order? Somewhere else lame?"

Well, it's somebody you fought in the last update.

"Iraq?"

No.

"There aren't any other horribly painful choices, unless you've found a way to force me to play the natives."

Not that either. I think you'll like this one.

"The rebels?"

Great Britain. Again.

Daniel looked up with hope. "Seriously? You aren't just joking with me?"

I am not. How did you get so cynical? Chaos waved cheerily from the bar stool, which he was spinning in over and over again. Right. Nope, we're the British again.

"At least it looks like my last trip with you won't be so bad."

Indeed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We'll be in the 1700s after we're done with GB, so we're within shouting distance of the end of this AAR! Can you feel the tension? The suspense? The drama?
 
Last edited:

generalolaf

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"Fine. I'm sure the High Chief will negotiate a reasonable please."

I find your lack of lack of faith disturbing.
I think you put the wrong screenshot after that bit.

Other than that, awesome as usual! :D
 

Avindian

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I think you put the wrong screenshot after that bit.

Other than that, awesome as usual! :D

Error? I don't see any error. You must be looking at some other AAR. Yes. ::shifts eyes around furtively::

Thanks for the heads up; I also spelled "peace" wrong. :rolleyes:
 

Vrael_1492

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Michaelangelo

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If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, I hope it involves the kind that sings show-tunes. xD

I never get tired of the Great Spirit Badger, although as a deity he never seems to bring much success. :p

I'm assuming that Great Britain is much better off than 95% of the nations you've had to play so far. Perhaps an epic success can be expected. ;)
 

Avindian

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What was Iraq's and Castilles land tech at this point?

Higher than Ethiopia's :)

As far as specific numbers, Castille was 28, Iraq 23. Ethiopia? ... 7.

If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, I hope it involves the kind that sings show-tunes. xD

I never get tired of the Great Spirit Badger, although as a deity he never seems to bring much success. :p

I'm assuming that Great Britain is much better off than 95% of the nations you've had to play so far. Perhaps an epic success can be expected. ;)

It's entirely possible! Although we don't know what kind of calamity will fall upon Daniel to begin...
 

Rendap

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Danielle I believe would be possible as well.... :) Let the fun begin once again!
 

blsteen

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Ouch...
still nice to see that Order can roll with the punches
GB should be interesting especially since it still has the punch to invade Ethiopia.
Hopefully the Zombie plague is contained within Ethiopia...Zombies.
 

Avindian

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Danielle I believe would be possible as well.... :) Let the fun begin once again!

Well, guess Ethiopia wasn't as nice as last time :( But hey, Great Britain again!
Wohoo!


²

Ouch...
still nice to see that Order can roll with the punches
GB should be interesting especially since it still has the punch to invade Ethiopia.
Hopefully the Zombie plague is contained within Ethiopia...Zombies.

Thanks all for the kind words! Fear not, the zombies were destroyed... or were they?!

...

Yeah, they were.
 

Rendap

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News Flash: Latest delicatesse from Great Britain, brought home from recent conquest of Ethiopia:

BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNSSSSSSSS.................
 

Avindian

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News Flash: Latest delicatesse from Great Britain, brought home from recent conquest of Ethiopia:

BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNSSSSSSSS.................

I don't think that's quite off-key enough. ;)

I will probably update this weekend or early next week.
 

blsteen

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Thanks all for the kind words! Fear not, the zombies were destroyed... or were they?!
...
Yeah, they were.
Excellent a zombie infestation that is controlled by more than a hobo with a shotgun...or one that was uncontrolled.
Almost as bad as vampires and teenagers.
 

Avindian

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Excellent a zombie infestation that is controlled by more than a hobo with a shotgun...or one that was uncontrolled.
Almost as bad as vampires and teenagers.

Exactly. ;)

I'm shooting for a Wednesday evening/Thursday afternoon update. I haven't played yet -- lots to do!
 

Avindian

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Great Britain, part 2, part 1, or part 3. You decide!

Daniel Carlson carefully considered his move. It would take immense skill and concentration to get out of this predicament. He thought of all the American heroes who had come before him. George Washington. Andrew Jackson. Abraham Lincoln. Teddy Roosevelt. Eisenhower. Nimitz. MacArthur. Marshall. And so on. He looked at his opponent with cold, gimlet eyes. That his opponent was inside his own head made this even more challenging. At last, he struck, having fixated upon a strategy that would bring either glorious victory or a crushing defeat.

"Got any sixes?"

Go fish.

"Dammit! You are way too good at this game, Order."

That's the fifth time you've asked me if I have any sixes.

"So? You might have some."

That's not the... never mind. I must say, you're taking being a mouse rather well.

Daniel was indeed a mouse. A true mouse, not an anthropomorphic pantsless mouse. Long tail, cheese, the whole nine yards. "I think I can put up with about anything at this stage."

Fair enough. So, there are a whole lot of British territories across the world. Since we're at 19 screenshots, we can't show all of them.

abunchofbritishstuff.jpg


"Screen-whats?"

Never mind. Those are the important ones. You also have two misisons.

"Go ahead."

Here's a map with one circled; here's your other mission.

obsessiond.jpg


gbmission.jpg


"You want to me take on Castille? The largest power in the world?"

No.

"Oh, thank --"

They're Spain now. Well, they will be, by the time we get to war.

Daniel's beady little eyes narrowed. "How do you know that?"

Because I can travel forward in time.

"So you already know how it's going to turn out?"

Yes.

"What if I do something differently?"

Then I don't know that.

"I see."

After a pregnant pause -- at least octuplets, maybe more -- the discussion turned to how to gain access to the King.

Now look, it's an elegant solution.

"Could we replace the gunpowder with cheese?"

How would that help?

"I'm hungry."

No, let's stick to the plan. We get every person ahead of the one whose pocket you're in into the same building, and we blow it up.

"Wouldn't that kill a lot of innocent people?"

Is anybody ever REALLY innocent?

Daniel had to admit that was a fair point, but still shook his tiny head. "No unnecessary killing."

Fine. New plan: we dig a large hole, everybody falls in. Then we blow up the hole --

"No gunpowder!"

Order grunted in frustration. Look, Mr. Carlson, this is our last trip together before Chaos gets you back. Don't you want it to go well?

"Yes, but those are real people with real lives."

Technically, they aren't real. Since this is a work of fiction, their lives are entirely hypothetical.

"What?"

Er, more importantly, you've created this world through your actions, correct?

"Yes, I suppose."

And so these people would not exist if not for you?

"I guess."

Therefore, if anybody has the right to wantonly kill them, it's you.

"Maybe you're r-- hey, wait a minute! I'm saying that NOBODY has the right to wantonly kill them."

Order sighed. Okay, fine, you win. Let's keep the hole, but we'll leave food and water so they live. It's too deep to get out, and remote enough that nobody will hear them.

"How do you get them into the hole?"

Leave that to me.
--------------------------------------------------
A few hours later, quite a crowd had gathered around a ramshackle building out in the middle of nowhere. Each held a printed invitation. Daniel had scampered out of his person's pocket to survey the milling throng.

"How many people are here?"

Four hundred and seventy three.

"That many?"

You're the king's cousin's third favorite tailor. You cut the cousin's finger accidentally, meaning your blood temporarily mixed thanks to a paper cut from earlier that day.

"Who was four hundred and seventy second?"

A pigeon.

"Ouch. What do we do now?"

Stage one of my plan is complete. Everybody's here.

"How did you get them here?"

I sent them all invitations asking them to come.

"That worked?"

They're British; much too polite to refuse an invitation.

"Fair enough. What's stage two?"

We get them into the shack, under which I've concealed our hole.

At Order's mental wave, the shroud covering a sign fell off. The sign read: "Free tea." That got all but a dozen into the building. Thinking ahead, Order had prepared a second sign, which he now revealed. The second sign read: "Also biscuits", which took care of the last dozen.

"For a bunch of people that fell into a hole, they sure are quiet."

Stiff upper lip and all that.

"Right. My person is King now?"

Yep. Also, not a very good tailor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel carefully examined the finances of his new kingdom. The tailor was remarkably easy to mind control, so that was out of the way.

"I think I'll decrease the amount we're minting; I'd like to improve our land technology."

Reasonable enough. When are you going to attack Castille?

"I'd like to start small. Let's pick on Northumberland!"

war1f.jpg


A few weeks later, Northumberland ceased to exist, as it had no allies and Britain still had a core on it.

peace1j.jpg


"That was easy. Let's move some troops over to East Africa, then go to Diego Garcia, and launch our attack on India from there."

war2o.jpg


That would prove more difficult, but only slightly, for Khandesh had allies and more troops.

kathiawar.jpg


kathiawar2.jpg


Daniel used an ancient technique called "standing still and doing nothing" to fight this particular war; Rajputana, already at war with other Indian nations, signed a peace, granting Daniel what he wanted.

mission1complete.jpg


After founding the East India Company, Daniel's new mission was to build a COT somewhere in Great Britain. That was even easier, and 500 ducats later, London had a new COT, and Daniel had a new mission.

mission3.jpg


There was only one thing to do: declare war on Brittany!

war3ci.jpg

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A courtier bowed before his mighty King. "Sire, your General is here."

"Excellent, old bean. Pip pip cheerio!"

Um, Mr. Carlson, British people don't talk like that.

"Are you sure?"

Yes. Let's do this instead: say what you want to say, and I'll translate it in a language they can understand.

As the courtier left, confused, George Howard entered.

"You wanted to see me, my Liege?"

"Liege? Where?!" Daniel's darted around before he remembered that A) Liege was a country and B) He was more powerful. Not by a lot, but more powerful. "Just, uh, a joke. Hah hah."

The General laughed politely. "Very droll, sir. Your task?"

"Yes. We must retake Ireland from the British."

"Beg pardon?"

Brittany and Britain are not the same thing.

"Oh. Right. Haven't we talked about this before?"

Probably.

"Sorry, General. A bit of a cold has me all woozy. I meant, the Bretons."

"Very good, sir. How many troops should we send?"

"As many as we can spare; I want a victory and I want it quickly."

"Then your will be done, my Lord."

With a thoroughly confused but still excellent General at the helm -- and the fact that there were exactly 4000 Bretons compared to 36,000 British on the island -- victory seemed guaranteed. The alliance facing Great Britain was formidable, but not fearsome, and Daniel's wise idea to disband half of the 18,000 man army in Australia to raise them in England made the force ratio even more lopsided.

tot1.jpg


By May of 1696, Ireland belonged to the British; however, the warscore requirements were so high (102%) that they would have to take every single province Brittany had; given that many were in Africa, North America, and South America, that seemed too extensive. But that wasn't the real problem.

Have you checked on the naval battle recently?

"What naval battle?"

This one.

thetippingpoint.jpg


"I see." Daniel nodded confidently.

See what?

"I don't know. Normally, if I say that, people leave me alone."

'I see' generally indicates that you understand.

"I see."

... Anyway, do you notice the ship numbers?

"We have 23, they have 19. We have a better admiral. What's the problem?"

20 of our 23 ships are transports. So that means we'll lose. Badly. And lose an 18,000 man army on top of it.

"So we run away."

That won't work, Mr. Carlson. We have to fight for 12 days.

"Says who?"

Paradox.

"I don't care if it's a paradox, do it anyway."

Order sighed. Maybe the pressure was getting to Daniel, but he seemed especially stupid since becoming a mouse. It doesn't matter. You're going to lose all the ships unless you sign a peace now.

"But I want all of Ireland!"

Forgive me, Mr. Carlson, but tough. Sign the peace or I will.

"Fine."

peace2p.jpg

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before continuing any farther, Order started to wonder about Daniel. First of all, he seemed to be entirely too fond of being a mouse. Second, Daniel had barely even discussed the economy since they got to Great Britain. Third, he was especially stupid, even for him. It was like he wasn't even dealing with Daniel at all, but...

Chaos?

Yeah? "Excuse me, I mean yeah?"

How long have you been here?

Since the day after the hole scheme, which was brilliant, by the way. I liked the part with the gunpowder better, if you want my vote.

Why are you here?

I was getting bored. Also, I don't want the readAARs to forget about me.

I doubt that would happen. Wait a minute. If I'm inside a physical manifestation of you... THAT'S SICK! YOU'RE MY BROTHER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Chaos's eyes opened wide. Oh, yuck, you're right! After a moment, Order and Chaos were separated once more. Thanks, bro. I didn't think of that.

Order shook off the last of the heebie-jeebies. So where's Daniel?

Bound and gagged in the restroom at Bill's. He fought a little, but I think he actually liked it.

Why do you say that?

I only had to cut off both arms and one leg to get him to stop squirming.

Wouldn't that indicate the opposite of approval?

Chaos's thoughts got far away for a moment. You could be right... he was screaming pretty loud and bleeding a lot. I thought that's how humans indicated they liked things?

I thought that too, but it turns out that was just the one guy.

Good old Crazy Steve. Do you suppose that's why they called him Crazy Steve?

Could be. Anyway, do go and get Mr. Carlson.

Fine. Party pooper.

"What happened?"

Sorry, Mr. Carls --

Gotcha! Still me. You are so gullible, Odor!

Get him now or the bet is off, and you lose.

Fine. Sourpuss.

After carefully examining the new body he was in, Order was certain it was Daniel.

"Order? What happened? Where am I? And how is our interest rate?"

It's good to have you back. Scotland revolted from Spain, but they only got the Western Isles. We crushed and annexed them.

"That's good news. So what do we do now? Just wait until the time is up?"

Not so fast, Mr. Carlson. We have to deal with Spain. Remember, Armagnac?

"Oh, right. Drat. Can we see the Spanish army and navy?"

Certainly.

armycomparison.jpg


navycomparison.jpg


"Hmm... it looks like they have a much large army, but our navy is superior in big ships. If we concentrate our navy, that should give us the advantage. We can send a spy, find out where their troops are, and ignore it."

A reasonable solution. However, our largest fleet is mostly transports. We'll need reinforcements.

"Give me a moment."

fundinganavy.jpg


1200 gold for our new navy? I'm impressed.

"Thank you. We'll start the construction and when the ships are finished, we strike."

Excellent strategy, sir.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It was February 1, 1701.

"Let's go for it, Order."

theshowdown.jpg


Will Daniel defeat the Spanish? Will Chaos die of boredom? Do rhetorical questions build suspense? Find out the answers to these questions and many more -- but not necessarily any questions you actually want to know the answers to -- in the next exciting (?) installment of A Descent Into Madness!
 

blsteen

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Most excellent my liege!!!;)
I'm surprised Chaos pretending to be Daniel didn't slip up and create uh...chaos. Somewhere.
Nice move selling out some provinces for some cash. I'm surprised GB has such a small force of troops, I mean Korea has 60K. There would have been an interesting stop on the tour.