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CivandEUIII

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Vrael_1492

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Avindian

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So Austria only has one or two provinces in Austria?

Yep. Bohemia's pushed them out of Europe.

Is it Calicut or Calcutta? He couldn't seem to decide. But I don't think there even is a Calcutta province.

And just look at those interesting powers in Europe - Magdeburg, Liege, Milan, Alsace...

Liege and Magdeburg were the surprises for me. See what happens when France is largely neutralized? It's TECHNICALLY Calicut, but unless I'm even more ignorant of Indian history than I thought (which hardly seems possible), are they not one and the same?

Britain failed after Daniel left :p
Also, with Austria, I believe the German name of Österreich becomes rather clear.
Then again...
The Avars occupied Austria way back in Charlemagne's day. And where did they come from?
Exactly there *points at where Austria migrated to*

Interesting theory -- neo-Avars have assassinated and replaced the Habsburgs! I'll have to remember that if I ever play Austria.

Your old buddies (or clubbers) in Kanem-Borno are also doing fine :D

Wait, isn't that Songhai, not Kanem?

Yes, it's Songhai.

Their colors are so damn like :glare:. Easy mistake, but they are still clubbers :D

Songhai indeed :D

Next update should be beginning of next week, in all probability.
 

tamius23

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It's TECHNICALLY Calicut, but unless I'm even more ignorant of Indian history than I thought (which hardly seems possible), are they not one and the same?

Nope, they're completely different! Calicut (known as Kozhikode) is on the south coast on India. Calcutta (Kolkata) is up in Bengal.
 

Avindian

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Nope, they're completely different! Calicut (known as Kozhikode) is on the south coast on India. Calcutta (Kolkata) is up in Bengal.

Blast. I should know that from HOI3. We'll just pretend that Chaos, Danny, and the Shah all shared my momentary ignorance :) Thanks for the information! The intended province was Calicut.
 

Avindian

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Did Byzantium make a resurgence after death-by-goat or is it Milan occupying these lands?

That's Milan. They've really gone on a rampage!
 

arosenberger14

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WOW :blink: that map makes my eyes hurt! Russia, Austria, and Persia duking it out for Russia? Fractured Britain?? Milan well on its way to forming Italy??? Madness! I'm also surprised nobody's really made a play for the New World yet, who's the Orange country in Mexico?
 

Avindian

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WOW :blink: that map makes my eyes hurt! Russia, Austria, and Persia duking it out for Russia? Fractured Britain?? Milan well on its way to forming Italy??? Madness! I'm also surprised nobody's really made a play for the New World yet, who's the Orange country in Mexico?

That's the Aztecs, and yeah, I was surprised how empty the new world is too.

While everybody waits for a new update here, I thought I'd do a little cross-pollination. I need help with creating a decision or decisions for EU3/Vicky 2 for the sequel to NRI (or somebody with some time to edit the save game). If you can help, please PM me!
 

Avindian

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Najd: Najd your normal OPM!

Order sat down at the bar, motioned at Bill for a drink. Order didn't always drink the same thing, but he and Bill-the-Occasional-Cheat had worked out an elaborate series of hand motions to indicate specific drinks. He felt somebody sit next to him, and was surprised to see it was Chaos!

You haven't abandoned your charge again, have you?

Nah, he's over at the pinball machine. I think his Chaos special put him off of drinking for a while.

I suppose so. What brings you here?

Najd went really poorly, and for once, it wasn't the skintube's fault. Najd started out with 800 religious rebels; too few to ever win, too many to be defeated by a single regiment at anything less than full morale.

Tough break.

I'll say. Oh, hi Bill, give me a Chaos special and some nachos. No, not the Unholy Nachos of Indescribable Agony; I'm trying to watch my calories. Just regular nachos. With cheese. Maybe a little desecrated, but not TOO desecrated.

How did you solve it?

Chaos snickered. The kid's solution was brilliant! We made a centralization vote over the limit, which spawned particularist rebels. The rebels fought, the particularists won, and we surrendered. Easy.

Order whistled approvingly. You know, Mr. Carlson isn't as stupid as you always say he is.

You're right. HE'S DUMBER! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

To give Chaos time to finish, Order went over to see Daniel at the pinball machine.

Good afternoon, Mr. Carlson.

"Stupid machine... oh, hi Order. What's new?"

Oh, you know, not too much. Chaos destroyed the Earth again in an alternate dimension, so I had to fix it. The destruction he can cause with a toothpick, a slice of cheddar cheese, a confused frog, and several billion nuclear warheads is unreal.

Daniel looked confused. "I don't think it's that hard to believe. I mean, the warheads alone would probably destroy the planet."

Order thought for a moment. You know, I think you're right? I've always been trying to figure out what the deal was with the frog. Huh. I'll have to remember that next time. Chaos was telling me about your rebel problems in Najd.

Daniel groaned. "Tell me about it. Then Chaos insists we attack Iraq for Al-Hasa, because it's our mission. We have 1000 soldiers and barely enough manpower to support them and no allies. I tried to stop him, but no, he declared war the second the regiment was finished. You can guess what happened."

Order nodded sympathetic. You got annexed? You have the worst luck, Mr. Carlson.

Daniel snorted. "I wish it were that simple. First, Iraq signed a peace for some cash. We wait an absurdly long time for the manpower to replenish, we build the new regiment, and the Malik dies. Then we twiddle our thumbs until the regency is over, we attack Iraq again, and this time we get vassalized. And all of this took nearly the full 10 years!"

You sound like you could use a drink.

"Oh no! I'm not falling for that one again. That Chaos special nearly killed me!"

You do recognize that it was the glass that nearly killed you, not the drink, right?

Daniel glowered. "Order, I'm not a fool. I know very well it was the glass. Still, at the same time, I have kind of a psychological hang up about it now."

Order shrugged. Humans can be so odd sometimes, but I will respect your wishes. The PELF looked over at Chaos, who was harassing one of the barmaids again, threatening to manifest his true form if she didn't sleep with him. Order sighed. I have to go look after my brother; where are you going next?

"Crimea. We're already at war with Austria, so that should be more interesting than Najd was. Of course, Chaos will get to inflict some horrible punishment on me too..."

I'll talk to him about that; if you're at war, that shouldn't be allowed. Maybe after the war he can use one of his stupid random tricks.

"Thanks Order!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It took a lot of numbers to come up with a playable country (no OPMs in a row), but Crimea looks really interesting. I'll update later this week, if my schedule works out the way I hope it will.
 

tamius23

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Chaos is trying to watch his calories? What happens if he eats too many? Does his slightly fatter true form lose some of its powers?
 

Memento Mori

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Chaos is trying to watch his calories? What happens if he eats too many? Does his slightly fatter true form lose some of its powers?

No, halfwit. It just destroys more dimentions stimultainiously AH HAHA HAHAH HAA

Sorry, could not help myself :unsure:
 

Avindian

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Chaos is trying to watch his calories? What happens if he eats too many? Does his slightly fatter true form lose some of its powers?

No, halfwit. It just destroys more dimentions stimultainiously AH HAHA HAHAH HAA

Sorry, could not help myself :unsure:

That was a good one :)

You know, everytime i read "Chaos true form" i remember this...


Heh, looking foward to see how you'll do with Crimea :)

I've never gotten around to the Breath of Fire series; I played a ton of JRPGs in high school, but lost interest after a while.
 

EU3NOOB

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Chuck Norris is so tough that he would make Chaos die by showing HIS true form... which is pure awesomeness!
 

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Chuck Norris is so tough that he would make Chaos die by showing HIS true form... which is pure awesomeness!

Let's not get THAT started here... :rolleyes: :D
 

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Crimea: Crimea river*

*Put the emphasis on the first syllable, then you'll get it.

**Just a reminder; if my puns force you to call a hit out on me, I will be unable to update if I am dead. That means ALL of my AARs.

Daniel Carlson hated being in Crimea. Oh sure, the weather was nice, but the rampaging hordes of rebels tended to spoil a picnic. Daniel was also a woman again; the hordes of rebels alternated between dirty leers, inappropriate groping (if there is, indeed, appropriate groping), and murderous raids on the towns of Crimea. Meeting the Khan of the Crimean Federation did not make him much happier.

"How did you become a Khan? You didn't stuff the old guy in a broom closet somewhere, did you?"

The Khan chuckled nervously. "What am I, some kind of Bishop? No, I lost the title in a poker game."

"Wait... you lost it in a poker game?"

"Yep."

"What would you have won?"

"Not being Khan. It's not a very popular position. There are rebels all over the place" -- a rebel screamed 'There sure are!' -- " and we're still at war with Austria."

mapyd.jpg


totfb.jpg


"Those numbers don't look that bad."

"Try these numbers."

economym.jpg


bankruptcy.jpg


"Yeesh. I can see why you need my help."

The Khan looked expectantly. "Say... you wouldn't want to be Khan, would you?"

"I'm a woman. Doesn't that exclude me?"

Crestfallen, the Khan nodded. "You're right. What else can you do?"

"I could probably help you get your economy back in shape if you keep the rebels and your own men off of me."

"Does that include me?"

"It does."

The Khan sighed one last time and nodded again. "It's a deal."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaos was so busy laughing at the horrible situation Danielle found herself in it that he completely forgot to inflict additional pain upon his charge.

I'm not sure who is the bigger idiot -- you or the Khan.

"You aren't helping?"

What's the matter? Do I not have a Khan-do spirit?

"That doesn't even make sense! The pronunciation is completely different!"

Your face doesn't make sense. Oh wait, it does. UGLY sense! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Danielle chose to ignore Chaos and rolled up her sleeves. "The most important thing is to get rid of this massive army. I'll tell the Khan to offer some token face-saving gesture to the Austrians."

defeato.jpg


"Now, we disband the army and... there! Fiscal solvency is achieved."

Did you forget about the crippling interest from having to take four loans right at the beginning?

"I was trying to."

Always glad to help.

"Crimea shall join the Counter-Reformation!"

How does that fix your pocketbook?

"It doesn't. Do you ever wonder why you don't have any friends?"

Because I've horribly butchered most of them, I'm the embodiment of pure destruction, and I'm stuck hanging around with a chump like you.

Danielle opened and closed her mouth, then did it again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Khan's chief general eyed Danielle appreciatively as she worked busily to find a way to return some sense to the Crimean Federation.

"Do you come here often?"

"Yes, I do. I work every single day, while you and your men sit around and swill alcoholic beverages."

The general looked indignant. "Hey, soldiering is hard work!"

"I imagine running all day after being defeated by a rebel army, upon which you inflicted no casualties, to be very tiring indeed."

The general glared, decided discretion was the better part of valor, and left Danielle alone.

I think I like you better as a woman.

"Don't start. Okay, so our army is a complete failure. Who could even a complete failure defeat in battle?"

Besides you?

Danielle sighed. "Besides me, if you must. Georgia looks like a rich prize; the CoT at Astrakhan is particularly enticing."

No CB, and since we have all the stability of a drunk the day after New Year's, that's not going to happen.

"Well, we'll warn them. Maybe we'll get lucky."

Oh, I've got a new mission for you.

"Let's hear it."

You're to reclaim Saratov.

Author's note: I have no idea why they insist on spelling Russian place names with a 'W' at the end, but I will not continue this mistaken practice. There is no 'W' in Cyrillic.

"From Novgorod? The one friend who hasn't abandoned me?"

Transylvania and Yaroslavl wanted to be your friends.

"They're OPMs!"

That's life.

"Ukraine could be a useful ally."

If the war ever ends with Austria, maybe. They've got a lot of land occupied.

The sound of a fresh rising of rebels a few miles away was ignored by everybody in the palace.

"I wish our troops weren't so awful" -- 'Hey!' a soldier shouted -- "or we could put those down. Better yet, try to reconnect the two halves of Crimea."

That's what bankruptcy does. Aren't you supposed to be fixing that?

A soldier's catcall -- 'You can sure fix me, lady!' -- was also ignored as it made no sense. "Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By August of 1611, Danielle was slowly losing her mind. That she had any sanity left after dealing with Chaos for 200+ years was something of an accomplishment. Of course, Chaos always claimed that she (or he) didn't have the creativity or intelligence to go insane, which may be a fair point. But the constant rebellions and constant defeats of the pitiful army she could raise were eating away at her soul.

"Chaos, is there some explanation for this?"

For what?

"The rebellions."

I dunno. Humans get mad for stupid reasons. Religion, politics, food, sex, being bankrolled by Persia, disease, boredom...

"Wait, what was that last one?"

Boredom?

"Something about Persia."

Oh, that. Yeah, all the religious rebels are being bankrolled by Persia. Did I neglect to mention that?

persiar.jpg


"Why don't we do something about that?"

We've never captured one.

"So how do we know the Persians did it?"

This business card:

Darius' House of Rugs, Espionage, and Waffles
A Persian Institution since 1200 AD
Jihad in thirty days or your money back!

"Do you know what this means?!"

We're going for waffles later?

"Yes, obviously. But more importantly, we must strike at our enemies. We shall declare war on Persia!"

You know, I normally love watching you fail, but in this case, I have to say no. We have no army. Cardboard cutouts would be more effective, but it's the 17th century, so we don't have cardboard. Let's just try to fix the economy.

"Fine. You're paying for the waffles."

Deal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By 1612, Danielle had a war, but not the war she wanted. Novgorod called them into a holy war against the Ottomans; initially, this made Danielle happy, until she realized that the Crimean army still had no morale and was easily defeated by a toddler with a spoon. I'm not exaggerating either; that actually happened. Also, the Ottomans were impossible to reach. To make matters worse, the Khan signed a treaty with Zaporozhie, granting some of his lands in exchange for one of them becoming Khan of Crimea. After they got the lands, they laughed, tore up the contract, and taunted the Khan mercilessly.

zaporozhie.jpg


Danielle placed a sympathetic hand on the Khan's shoulder. "Did you try poker again, Khan?"

"Yeah; I lost again. I'm not very good at poker. In fact, I got an extension on the title."

"Tough break."

"Yep. How's the economy?"

"Not great. We can't really afford to be at war right now. Or to have an army. We can afford a new sign for the palace."

"It says 'Crime.'"

"We can't afford the 'A'."

"That probably only encourages more rebels."

"You're probably right, Khan."

"Is there any solution?"

"Nope. We can't get out more loans, and the interest is so bad that even with no army, we're screwed."

"Well, thanks for trying. Maybe we'll get lucky?"

"Maybe."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Danielle was totally lost. Bureaucracy, which she'd encouraged as a response to the problems of the Federation, failed miserably, only adding another .1 ducats to the monthly treasury of -.9 ducats. By 1613, there was only one alternative. She and the Khan went to bankruptcy court again. The judge looked very suspicious.

"Are you the Khan of Crimea? You were here a while ago."

The Khan looked furtive. "Of course not! I am the Khan of Crime, as the sign clearly indicates."

"You look a lot like him."

"No, I don't. I have a mustache."

"Um, no, you don't."

The Khan gasped, turned around, and turned back around with a fake mustache on.

"That looks upside down."

"Are you sure it's upside down? Or is it right side up and you're upside down?!"

The judge was stunned. "I... never thought of that."

Danny, I was wrong. You aren't the stupidest human ever. This judge is clearly even dumber.

"So, now that we've established that I'm clearly not the Khan of Crimea, can I cancel all of my debts and declare bankruptcy?"

The judge gripped tightly on his podium, lest he fall down (well, up), and nodded vigorously.

"Great. Thank you, Your Honor!"

bankruptcy2.jpg

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It turned out that bankruptcy was the best thing that could have happened to Danielle. With no more debts, the treasury started to grow, for once. The war with the Ottomans ended, and Novgorod even helped out in rebel stomping and reclamation.

novgorod.jpg


Danielle joined two more wars, one with Austria and one with Persia, both of which ended in white peaces. Persia stole one more province from Crimea, adding further insult to injury.

provincegone.jpg


Still, the nation was now economically viable, and if they could survive the next ten years, Crimea would be in a real position to reclaim their lands and perhaps expand. Danielle wouldn't be there to see it, however, as she was going to Ethiopia. Ethiopia wasn't going bankrupt, but was surrounded by larger more modern powers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was a really frustrating game, but it turned out to be pretty good for comedy purposes. I guess it's true what they say, comedy is tragedy happening to somebody else. Going to try to squeeze in one more update this week!
 

Omen

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That was a success. Danielle is getting to be pretty good at this. She did all she could, and now Crime is a better place.

I have big hopes for Ethiopi.