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EU3NOOB

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I don't always fail but when I do I drink a Chaos special.
 

Avindian

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LordTempest

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Damn Frenchies and their hats... In retrospect, one thinks one of the surrender hats should have consisted of some sort of Dairy eating primate.
 

Avindian

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Damn Frenchies and their hats... In retrospect, one thinks one of the surrender hats should have consisted of some sort of Dairy eating primate.

Maybe so :)

Damn le frogs and their horrible hats... :rolleyes:




I used to drink Chaos specials, then i took an arrow to the knee.

(Sorry, couldn't resist :D)

We'll let it slide this once; don't let it happen again. ;)
 

Vrael_1492

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Baluchistan??? Finally some random Indian/Persian country! I don't think you have been there before and so, good luck ;)
 

Avindian

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Baluchistan??? Finally some random Indian/Persian country! I don't think you have been there before and so, good luck ;)

I was in Assam at the very beginning, but other than that, yeah it's new. It's a 2 (maybe 3?) PM, so don't get your hopes up too much :D
 

tamius23

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Donkeys are my national animal. :) Nice to see them feature.
 

EU3NOOB

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Me too :)



He would be the most interesting man in the world, if he were a man and of one particular world...

I was comparing myself to Danny, not Chaos.
 

Avindian

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CivandEUIII

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Ah hah. In that case, really? Danny is the most interesting man in the world? You must have some low standards :D
"I'm always dull, but when I'm not, I'm still dull"? :p
 

Avindian

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"I'm always dull, but when I'm not, I'm still dull"? :p

Exactly. (That one got an LOL.)

Don't know when the next update will be; possibly this weekend, but Crusader Kings 2 and Mass Effect 2 might have something to say about that...
 

EU3NOOB

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Are they? Interesting.



Ah hah. In that case, really? Danny is the most interesting man in the world? You must have some low standards :D

I know people a thousand times more boring than Danny. I don't hang out with them to avoid the risk of my head imploding from the boringness of it all.
 

Avindian

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I know people a thousand times more boring than Danny. I don't hang out with them to avoid the risk of my head imploding from the boringness of it all.

Very wise. ::nods head::

I'll really try to update tomorrow sometime; blame CKII :D
 

Avindian

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Baluchistan: It turns out playing God is easier than it looks

"So, we're in Baluchistan?"

Ayep. Here's a map.

mapvm.jpg


"And it looks like I'm human again."

Unfortunately.

"What's the catch?"

Does there always have to be a catch?

"Well, I guess n---"

Chaos groaned theatrically. All right, Danny. I'll give you a catch. You have to convince the Shah to take over Calicut.

calicut.jpg


"That'll be a tall order, but I think I can do it."

You think you can take Calcutta?

"Oh, of course not. I do, however, think I can convince the Shah to do our bidding."

Close enough. Oh, and don't be such a loser.

"That's hurtful. Why must you always be so unkind?"

Huh? Oh, sorry. No, that's your mission. Recover Your Abysmal Prestige. I guess I could have phrased that better.

"Let's go talk to the Shah."

Daniel was a little darker skinned than normal, but apart from that, he was completely nondescript. With the Shah asleep in the Palace, Daniel snuck in the back way. He crouched behind the Shah's wall, cleared his throat, and tried his best sounding Allah voice.

"Shah of Baluchistan! Wake up, for I am G-- er, Allah!"

The Shah continued to snore.

"It didn't work, Chaos."

Use the telepathy, dummy. That'll freak him out.

"Oh, right." Daniel coughed and tried again. "Shah of Baluchistan! This is Allah! I have a mission for you!"

This time, he got the desired result. "Allah? This is an unexpected surprise. How may I serve you?"

"I need you to conquer Calcutta."

The Shah paused. "Isn't Calcutta part of Hindustan? They're the biggest country in the neighborhood."

Hey, that's the RNG for you.

(Author's note: I rolled a 10, which meant that I had to choose a random province; that it was something relatively close was pure luck.)

"Do you question my will?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, but it's pretty much suicide. Are you sure there isn't somewhere else you'd rather I conquer?"

You are such an amateur at manipulating people.

Daniel paused for a moment. "Chaos, do we have any dirt on this guy?"

The Shah looked puzzled. "Who is Chaos, my Lord?"

"Er, forget that. Sorry. Wrong channel."

Idiot. He's lived a clean and virtuous life, anyway. He only has one flaw, but... it's a pretty minor one.

"I'll take what I can get."

He wets the bed. Completely incontinent.

Daniel took that under advisement, then addressed the Shah again. "All right, now see here. Either you attack Calcutta or I tell everyone about your nighttime problems."

"Are you trying to blackmail me into doing your will? Are you sure you're Allah? That doesn't sound like Allah."

"Crap, I'm losing him. Help me out, Chaos."

Why not use the mind control, dunderhead?

"Oh yeah!" Daniel inserted the word "Calcutta" directly into the Shah's brain. This is the equivalent of having the PA system for Madison Square Garden (or your favorite large arena) scream the word directly into your ear, only it's happening in both ears at the same time. You can't very well ignore it. You can, however, go mad.

"Thy will be done, Allah! Calcutta shall be burned to the ground!" Unfortunately, the Shah was now completely blind because of burst blood vessels in his brain, and instead of grabbing his sword and putting it in his sheath, he cut off his own leg.

Smooth move, buddy. I think you broke him.

Daniel knew trying to fix things would only make them worse, so he did the next best thing; he guided the Shah out towards his army, where he could order a General to do his will.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, nothing is easy. A large revolt in early 1591 deprived Baluchistan of one of its key provinces, all because the Shah ordered a more centralized government.

largerevolt.jpg


Given that very few people will willingly follow a blind and insane man, let alone increase his power, one might perhaps understand why the revolt happened.

The Shah rocked in a corner, screaming "CALCUTTA" at the top of his lungs every 5 seconds. Two generals looked at one another.

"I don't think the Shah is well."

"I agree, but what can we do? Maybe it's a genuine religious experience?"

"I thought Allah was supposed to be, well, more subtle than just screaming his will."

"Things have changed. People don't always listen very well."

"They have at that. Maybe we should try building some boats so we can recover our province. If we tell the Shah they're for Calcutta, we'll get some peace."

"Good idea! Let's do that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It took three years, but by August 1594, the fleet of Baluchistan was finally large enough to transport the army.

The Shah began shrieking "CALCUTTA!" again.

You sure did a number on him, gasbag. Even I can't destroy somebody's mind like that. Maybe you should consider a new career?

"And give up tax law? Thanks but no thanks. People need me!"

Really? How many people do you think miss you right now?

"Well, none. I assumed that, from my frame of reference, my old timeline is meaningless and in a paused state."

Damn. You were actually paying attention. You got me there.

"In any event, let's focus on the task at hand. Maybe we'll just go after Calcutta half-heartedly, and after we fail, these folks can get back to rebuilding their regime."

The Shah smacked the helmsman of his flagship in the back of the head. "Why aren't we in Calcutta yet?"

"Sir, we haven't left port yet. The troops aren't here yet."

"No excuses! I want Calcutta. Calcutta Calcutta Calcutta!"

The helmsman plugged his ears. The General boarded the ship. "Shah, we should retake the rebel province first. It won't be easy, but it's the only way to make sure we are mighty enough to take Calcutta."

The Shah's eyes narrowed impressively. Or rather, it would have been impressive had he been facing the right direction. He was, in fact, flat on his stomach because he'd fallen about ten minutes earlier and nobody had picked him up. "This had better not be trickery, General. We will try it your way, but I shall behead you myself if we fail."

The General looked nervous at that; the chances of the General being beheaded by a blind man were very low, but he could easily kill some innocent person, which was not desirable.

"As you wish, Shah."

invasionfleet.jpg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, the General did fail, as the rebels easily drove away the assault from the Shah's army.

gloriousdefeat.jpg


However, after the Shah beheaded a few trees, the General realized that by just not talking, the Shah thought he was dead. It turned out well for everybody but the trees.

That was a waste of time. I think we should go after Calcutta now. I took the liberty of declaring war on Hindustan. Let's get the show on the road!

warvr.jpg


The General's breath caught in his throat. "Oh my. That's... a very big coalition. And all of our allies, thinking the Shah is insane, refused to join the war."

totb.jpg


The Shah looked around suspiciously. "That sounds like my traitorous general. Somebody behead him!"

The Shah's advisor coughed. "No, Shah, that wasn't the general. That was his identical twin, who also happens to be a general."

"I see. To Calcutta!"

The results of the invasion were predictable; the army of Baluchistan was routed. The Shah was only evacuated by being convinced that he was going to a parade to confirm his great victory. In reality, none of the soldiers survived.

That was fun! Let's do it again!

"But... we lost the whole army!"

So? They're just humans. If there's one thing meatbags are good at, it's making more meatbags.

"Hindustan already took Makran. What else do you want?"

defeatp.jpg


Before Chaos could respond, the Shah realized he wasn't in Calcutta. "What are we doing here, General? I was told we were going to a party. We must return and finish the job!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two more times the Shah declared war on Hindustan. Two more times he was defeated.

war2b.jpg


defeat2.jpg


war3gn.jpg


While Hindustan continued to settle for cash bribes from Daniel, the Persians demanded nothing less than annexation -- annexation is exactly what they got, just in time for the 1600 deadline.

war4y.jpg


Hey Dan'l-Boone, what are your three favorite letters?

"I-R-S? Maybe T-A-X?"

Nope. O-P-M in N-A-J...D. All right, the second was four letters. The important thing is, we're going to Najd. Pack for hot weather!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's Europe in 1600:

europegm.jpg


And a world map:

eu3mapbal1600111.jpg


Stay tuned for more exciting adventures next week!
 

LordTempest

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So Austria only has one or two provinces in Austria?
 

tamius23

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Is it Calicut or Calcutta? He couldn't seem to decide. But I don't think there even is a Calcutta province.

And just look at those interesting powers in Europe - Magdeburg, Liege, Milan, Alsace...
 

CivandEUIII

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Britain failed after Daniel left :p
Also, with Austria, I believe the German name of Österreich becomes rather clear.
Then again...
The Avars occupied Austria way back in Charlemagne's day. And where did they come from?
Exactly there *points at where Austria migrated to*
 

Vrael_1492

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Your old buddies (or clubbers) in Kanem-Borno are also doing fine :D