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Avindian

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CivandEUIII

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Daniel just gave the term "looking like something you'd scrape off your boot" a whole new meaning...
great update!
 

Avindian

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arosenberger14

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Very nice update, I wish we could get away from the OPM's though. Getting annexed so often is getting a bit old. Perhaps it's time for a new rule?

On another topic I'd love to see someone do a good DraculAAR with Vlad III as the main character (and a vampire) hint hint nudge nudge.. ;)
 

Avindian

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Very nice update, I wish we could get away from the OPM's though. Getting annexed so often is getting a bit old. Perhaps it's time for a new rule?

On another topic I'd love to see someone do a good DraculAAR with Vlad III as the main character (and a vampire) hint hint nudge nudge.. ;)

The vampire stuff isn't really my thing. I enjoyed Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel as much as the next guy, but not enough to want to do an AAR about vampires. I'll leave that for another writer :)

The problem isn't getting annexed; it's that it takes so long to get annexed. My initial thought was that, at some point, most of the OPMs would have been eaten and it would be smooth sailing. That appears not to be the case. Did you have a specific rule in mind?
 

Avindian

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generalolaf

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Very good :D
 

arosenberger14

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The vampire stuff isn't really my thing. I enjoyed Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel as much as the next guy, but not enough to want to do an AAR about vampires. I'll leave that for another writer :)

The problem isn't getting annexed; it's that it takes so long to get annexed. My initial thought was that, at some point, most of the OPMs would have been eaten and it would be smooth sailing. That appears not to be the case. Did you have a specific rule in mind?

How about "No consecutive OPM's"? As you mentioned earlier getting annexed over and over again probably doesn't appeal to Chaos much...
 

Vrael_1492

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How about "No consecutive OPM's"? As you mentioned earlier getting annexed over and over again probably doesn't appeal to Chaos much...

I can only agree. Many OPM's will mean more annexing, less wars and more stability in the region
 

Avindian

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How about "No consecutive OPM's"? As you mentioned earlier getting annexed over and over again probably doesn't appeal to Chaos much...

I can only agree. Many OPM's will mean more annexing, less wars and more stability in the region

You might have something there. In fact, after Kazakh, I will begin implementing this rule, unless there's a great hue and cry against it.

Update probably tonight, certainly tomorrow.
 

Avindian

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Kazakh: An interlude

As they walked through the door of Occasionally-Untrustworthy Bill's (yes, the sign on the door changes every time; it's another measure of his less-than-trustworthiness), Daniel and Chaos were surprised, for once, that Order wasn't at the bar.

I wonder if the old fart finally died of alcohol poisoning?

"Can one of you actually die?"

Chaos sighed. Of course not, you dolt. It's just a figure of speech.

The bartender squinted. "What'll you boys have?"

"Just a club soda for me."

A Chaos special.

(Note: For those readers who are of drinking age, if you want to make a Chaos special, I have some very important advice for you: don't.)

(PS: Among the ingredients is the immortal soul of twenty three and a half hedgehogs, a poem written by a six year old dragon named Stan, four hundred pounds of congealed orc sweat, and an umbrella.)

(PPS: Also, the umbrella is made of Chaos's own skin. The fact he doesn't actually have any skin most of the time makes this drink even more dangerous to mix. Bill's okay, though. He's the only non-PELF who can see Chaos and live.)

(PPPS: They are good, though, or so I've heard.)

Bill grimaced at Daniel's order. "A club soda, Mr. Carlson? Are you turning into a pansy in your old age?"

"Hey now, I'm only 42!"

"Nice try, sir. I've seen your driver's license: you're nearly 200 years old!"

Daniel was about to reply, but gave up and sipped at his club soda. Chaos had already consumed fourteen Chaos specials.

Death waved to bill and to Chaos and Daniel. Good evening, gentlemen. Shouldn't you be at the Kazakh Horde?

Chaos chortled. Already done. Persia conquered us and vassalized us in less than six months. We had no army and no friends.

That's kind of a downer. I should've known something was up when I noticed it's been a few days since anybody from your dimension has passed through screaming of the horrible obscenities of Hell itself.

Chaos blushed. Aw, shucks, bro! Just doing my job.

"Say, Death, I was talking to Chaos the other day. He says he's essentially infinitely divisible, and that's how he's in multiple places at once."

That's true. Order too.

"What about you?"

Death grinned. Nah, what you see is what you get. All the souls from every possible dimension comes to me. You might be interested to know that I've given up on Twister for the challenge game for a while now; starting to hurt my hips and what not.

"What is it now?"

Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

Daniel was startled. "Isn't that a kid's game?"

Well, for kids and drunk college students. But that's not the point. See, my reflexes are much faster than any mere soul's reflexes.. I can't lose!

Chaos spit out his drink laughing. If your reflexes are so great, how come you never win at dodgeball?

I'm not having this discussion again, Chaos. I'll play dodgeball again when you decide to make the ball corporeal!

Eh, you're just a sore loser.

Daniel decided to stay out of this conversation and turned to Bill. "Hey, Bill. Where's Order?"

Bill spit in a glass and polished it. "How should I know? I ain't his keeper. I might remember if you bought a real drink."

Daniel sighed. "Fine. I'll try one of these Chaos specials, then."

Bill gasped. "A-are you sure? No human's ever tried one."

"Oh, well, in that case --"

Come on, Danny boy! Try one! They're awesome.

For the first 42 -- or perhaps 242, or whatever -- years of his life, Daniel Carlson had only ever consumed three types of drinks: Guinness, Jack Daniels, and once as a college student, saké. But something strange began to tug at Daniel's mind. Something he'd never felt before.

It was a sense of adventure. Daniel slammed his mug on the counter and demanded a Chaos special. Unfortunately for Daniel, the mug shattered and pieces of glass flew everywhere. Three of them impaled his chest; within a few moments he had died.

Death rolled up his sleeves to revive the fallen accountant, but Chaos stayed his hand for a moment. Let me enjoy some peace and quiet, bro. After one more Chaos special, you can bring him back. Oh, and tell him we're going to Brittany. I have to use the john in the worst way!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was the fastest country yet, I think. Something like three months, and that was mostly because of the terrain and size of the province slowing down the Persian army. I didn't even have one regiment of infantry, and since I had exactly 1 ducat, I couldn't buy any more.
 

Avindian

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A SENSE OF ADVENTURE!

What the hell, Daniel? What. The. Hell.

He did pay for it; I think he'll be less adventurous next time :)
 

generalolaf

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Death plays Hungry, Hungry Hippos... :rofl:
 

LordTempest

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Hopefully Brittany will last longer than three months...
 

Avindian

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Death plays Hungry, Hungry Hippos... :rofl:

As a kid (even now) I actually hated that game; way too noisy. If I were meeting Death, and the challenge was Hungry, Hungry Hippos? He could take my soul and do what he likes with it.

Hopefully Brittany will last longer than three months...

It should!
 

Avindian

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If you are eagerly waiting for an update, I'd like to ask you to wait just a bit longer. I'm two updates (technically three) away from finishing my magnum opus, and I'd like to get that done. My comedic juices are running a bit dry at the moment, but sometimes great ideas just come to me. I'm not even officially going to call this "On Hold"; the delay should be a week or less. Still, if you're desperate to know how Brittany is doing, well, I can tell you I did much better than I thought.

Here's something to kill some time; a while back I did some text blurbs on maps (during Mazovia, I believe; whenever we had 1337-thuania.) Were there any problems reading it, and did you like the format? I might incorporate it into more updates if it's popular.
 

Avindian

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Brittany: The triumphant (?) return

missio.jpg


econ.jpg


Daniel knew the moment he awoke that he wasn't going to like his new form. He wasn't disappointed. (Well, technically, he wasn't disappointed in his disappointment. He was still actually very disappointed.)

"Are we going to continue the puerile jokes for much longer?"

Only as long as they're funny, JACKASS! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Daniel was indeed a donkey. It was better than being a pile of feces, but not by as much as Daniel had hoped. "So when are we going to meet Britney? I've always wanted to meet Ms. Spears!"

Chaos was stunned. Okay, I knew you were dumb, but you have to be joking. We're in Brittany, not in Britney. (Although we'd be about the only ones who haven't! HIYO!) Bretagne if you speak frog. Of course, now, all you speak is JACKASS! HO HO HO HEE HEE HEE!

Daniel almost wished he was getting electrocuted again. "Right, sorry. Anyway, what horrible torture -- apart from your awful humor -- are you inflicting on me this time, since we're not an OPM?"

You have to devote your entire research to trade.

"That's... surprisingly nice. As is this mission. What's your angle?"

Your face!

"But that doesn't... never mind."

Daniel finished in 6 months, and was now directed by Chaos to send merchants to Novgorod, which he did.

mission2k.jpg


In the meantime Trollemia got stronger and stronger.

trollemia.jpg


"Why can't we go to Bohemia, Chaos? Seems like a more exciting place than this dump. We've been here for over two years and nothing has happened."

Got a craving for German sausage?

"Well, Czech sausage, technically, unless of course you're talking about Prague... oh. I see. Another joke at my expense."

You got it, dummy!

"Why do I even bother?"

Anywho, we have to live by the RNG. It's partially what keeps this whole adventure, you know, chaotic!

"Right. So, we're done with the merchants now. What next?"

mission3p.jpg


"Finally, a war! It's about time something happened."

Danny boy, are you... actually reveling in the chaos that only war can bring?

"You're damn right I am! It's murderin' time!"

waryib.jpg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel the donkey was perplexed. Where was Chaos? For that matter, where was the King of Brittany? Last he remembered, he'd ordered the King to send merchants to Novgorod, and now, all of a sudden, they were at war with Orleans? What the devil was going on? Purely by chance, he caught sight of a donkey a few hundred yards away acting very strangely. He galloped (do donkeys gallop? Whatever a fast donkey move is) towards the unusual donkey. He brayed a greeting.

"Good day, fellow donkey. Might you know where Chaos is?"

Huh? Oh. It's you. Hey, listen, thanks for the laughs and all, but I like this donkey way better. So go munch some hay or something.

"That sounds delightful... WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE! You knew the other donkey wasn't me?"

Yeah, sure. This one is absolutely nuts; he's the one who declared war on Orleans. He even looks better than you!

"Won't you lose the bet if you abandon me?"

Chaos swore. Yeah, you're probably right. Sorry, Danny. I have to go hang out with this loser.

"The other donkey's name is also Daniel? That's a strange coincidence."

Yeah, how about that. Let's get a move on, lame ass.

Daniel sighed at another bad pun. "So when did you realize it wasn't me?"

You were still around for the sausage joke, right?

"Unfortunately."

Good. That was one of my best, I'd hate for you to have missed it. Anyway, I got mixed up after war was declared.

"I find that hard to believe."

Fine, you caught me. I wanted to ditch you. Didn't think of the bet at the time. That's how irritating you are; I'd rather lose this bet, sometimes, than stick around your boring old corpse. And I HATE losing bets.

"What do we do now?"

Let's find the King. We'll get attached to the baggage train for the army and we can control things that way.

"That sounds reasonable."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the end of 1583, Daniel the donkey had encountered his first battle in a long time that didn't go horribly right away.

alencon.jpg


King Jean seemed positively shocked. "General, what is it called when somebody runs away after the battle, but it isn't us?"

"Victory, sir."

"Vic-tor-y. That's got a nice ring to it. Oh, how is Jean?"

"Which one?"

"My son."

"I repeat my question, Sire."

"Jean #8."

"He's still in the cradle back at the castle."

"Splendid!"

Daniel was a little less enthusiastic, although the initial balance of forces appeared promising.

taleofthetape.jpg


The King was even more delighted when they routed the army of Orleans at the Battle of Maine.

mainel.jpg


"General, where is my victory hat?"

"You don't have one, sire."

"I don't?"

"It turns out we've never won a victory before. I had the historians check."

"I don't even have a 'good job' hat or 'well done' hat?"

"No. We have four hats. The 'we surrender' hat, the 'oh merciful God stop hurting us' hat, the 'we surrender' hat with a slightly larger feather (for when you need to surrender but also look your best), and the 'party time' hat."

"I like the sound of the 'party time' hat."

"It's a full cask of wine, my lord, that you wear on your head."

"That sounds unbelievably painful."

"It is, sire."

"Let's forget about hats for the moment, then. What's our next move?"

taleofthetape.jpg


Daniel craned his neck to make sure heard this. As the king's personal hat donkey, he traveled with the king at all times.

"The Bourbonnais have invaded Vendee, my lord. We also have a rebellion in Finisterre."

"Hmm... can we handle them both?"

"No. We also run the risk of letting Orleans rebuild if we don't press our advantage."

"Sounds like we could some more soldiers. Can I train my donkey as a killer attack donkey?"

The General shook his head. "The last time you tried that, he killed fifty people."

That must have been Danny 2.0!

"Were any of them enemies?"

"Well, one looked pretty shifty, but it turned out that he just had some vision problems. The other 49 were orphans."

"Ouch. Scratch that idea. Let's hire some mercenaries instead."

"A sound move, sire. I shall send the order."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was now 1584. The mercenary plan, so far, was working beautifully. Although the rebels had seized Finisterre, they had driven the Bourbonnais out of Vendee.

vendee.jpg


The General in charge of that army, Roparzh d'Argentre, was among the most popular men in the kingdom, largely because of his victory hat.

"General, I don't like that mercenary leader. Why does he have a better hat than me?"

"I don't know, sire."

"Can we behead him and take his hat?"

"We... could, I suppose, but then the rebels might get more brave."

"Could we fashion a similar hat?"

"Sire, his hat is a chicken."

"Could I wear the donkey as a hat? Donkeys are bigger, so logically a bigger hat would mean bigger victory!"

"King Jean, with all due respect, wearing a donkey for a hat would crush your skull."

The King frowned. "That's no good at all. What if he turns pretender?"

"We can fire the mercenaries after he's done."

"Very well. Let us continue our siege of Maine!"

"Your will be done, Sire."
--------------------------------------------------------
1585 seemed to be the year of victory (but sadly, not of victory hats.) Brittany had taken Anjou and Maine and was sieging the Orleans capital.

anjoua.jpg


Then King Jean got delusions of grandeur. He insisted on taking ALL of Orleans.

You have to admire the man's guts and his taste for hats.

"Maybe. Why are all of the kings so... well... stupid?"

It just seems that way. Vivid characters are funnier than dull ones, and stupid characters tend to be especially vivid.

"What are you talking about?"

Nothing, pork pie.

"Things seem to be going well, at least."

They are at that.

"Why aren't you trying to sabotage me?"

Who says I'm not?

A few moments later, the King's army ran past the illustrious hat donkey, screaming in terror.

"I see the King has the 'oh merciful God stop hurting us' hat on."

orleanais.jpg


Chaos grinned. Does he realize it's a ferret?

"I'm not at all sure he actually knows what a hat is, to be honest with you. Communication by hat seems very inefficient."

What are you gonna do now, tough guy?

Daniel thought for a moment. "I have a plan. Can you stay here with Danny 2.0 while I go off on my own?"

I thought you'd never ask. Let's go, Danny 2.0! Time for some carnage!

"Oh, hell yes!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lesser man than King Jean would have panicked horribly after losing army at the Second Battle of Alencon.

alencon2.jpg


Instead, King Jean panicked the moment his beloved hat donkey was gone, taking all of his hats with him. While the mercenaries drove out the rebels and retook Brittany, the drive to win the war had completely stalled. Stalled, that is, until the arrival of a mighty army. An army led by a donkey.

thecavalry.jpg


The 11000 man army of Champagne rampaged through the countryside. The Orleanais were so terrified they signed a treaty.

peacecj.jpg

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was 1590. Time to leave.

endmap.jpg


Daniel thought he'd look fondly on Brittany. He'd expanded their corner of the world greatly. Sure, the Kingdom was near bankruptcy, mortgaged to the hilt, but the important thing was that the next ruler of Brittany wouldn't have to spend all of their money on trade. Hopefully, they would keep their conquests. The Militia Act might go a long way towards hoping that.

All right, jackass. Ready to go?

"Yes, please. Where are we going next?"

Baluchistan.

"Away we go, then!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
That's right, it's back! Hope you didn't miss it too terribly much :) With NRI over, I'll have more time to work on this one; I'll try to update at least twice a week, if not more.