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Avindian

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I know! Make Daniel a bloodthirsty vampire who is a carpenter by day? :p

I've actually already decided Daniel's next form. I will make sure there are some sort of insane impaling sorts, but Daniel shall not be one of them.
 

Vrael_1492

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Congratulations on your prize for Comedy AAR! Deserved Win :D
 

Avindian

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LordTempest

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I've actually already decided Daniel's next form. I will make sure there are some sort of insane impaling sorts, but Daniel shall not be one of them.

Because he's a stake?
 

Vrael_1492

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Avindian

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generalolaf

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puerile [ˈpjʊəraɪl]
adj
1. exhibiting silliness; immature; trivial
2. of or characteristic of a child
I had to look that up. :p

I wonder...
 

Avindian

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Avindian

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So, running into an interesting problem: the infinite patrolling instead of sieging bug. It's making OPMs last way longer than they should. I'm going to try a clean install of EU 3 (which is frankly overdue, probably) and see what happens. This means, of course, a delay in the update. I did finish with Wallachia, but I want to get this fixed before I post anything else. Stay tuned!
 

EU3NOOB

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Avindian

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unmerged(434979)

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VERY, VERY nice AAR so far. Absolutely funny! Gameplay wise, the amount of defeat is staggering, but strangely, Danny's actually succeeded once or twice. How?
 

Avindian

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VERY, VERY nice AAR so far. Absolutely funny! Gameplay wise, the amount of defeat is staggering, but strangely, Danny's actually succeeded once or twice. How?

Magic! Also, Great Britain is very, very difficult to fail as :)

really enjoying this one. nice job avindian!

Thanks for the kind words!

Catching up on the entirely too many other threads I follow, but I should update soon.
 

Avindian

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Wallachia: Chaos' revenge!

wallachiamissionmap.jpg


Daniel Carlson knew Order would be true to his word, but it was still gratifying not to experience the extremely unpleasant sensation of teleportation. Chaos also couldn't abandon him or let him get killed on purpose any more, nor could Chaos electrocute Daniel's brain. Still, Daniel had traveled with Chaos long enough to know that the demon would somehow get his revenge.

All nice and comfy, jerkwad? Or are you going to cry to Order?

"I am, thank you. We're in Wallachia now?"

We are. About a hundred years too late for Vlad the Impaler, though. I used to hang out with that guy all the time; man, he knew how to party! And the bit with the Turkish hats? Pure genius.

"Say, are there really vampires?"

Chaos sounded uncomfortable. Well, yes and no. Dracul wasn't a vampire, just a sick and twisted individual. Real vampires don't play with their food, they just slaughter and kill.

"Will we see any?"

Nah. They're not very social creatures. All those movies and TV shows that have them hanging out in bars and stuff? That's total BS. They normally just pick off the odd peasant or wait for a column of troops to walk by and go after stragglers. They don't need to feed all that often.

"Oh well. By the way, what's that smell?"

What smell? I don't smell anything.

Daniel tried to gag and found, somewhat unsurprisingly, that he had no mouth. "There's something very fetid. Nauseating."

Chaos snickered. Maybe you should take a shower, stinky.

At that moment, Daniel felt his life flash before his eyes, as a huge mailed boot descended on his face. Remarkably, he wasn't dead, though. He just stuck to the boot. He heard a voice, presumably belonging to the owner of the boot. I mean, come on, vampires are one thing, but talking boots? Don't be absurd.

"Nicolae, do you smell something? Damn it, never mind. Looks like I stepped in something. Those cows should watch where they're going."

Chaos' laughter was now completely unrestrained.

"Really, Chaos? You made me cow poo? For a being billions of years old, you have all the maturity of a ten year old boy."

AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Daniel rolled his now non-existent eyes and just accepted the ride for a while. Once the Wallachian knight got to his home, he removed his boots and scraped off, well, Daniel. Nicolae surreptitiously looked about, then shoved Daniel under a nearby rug. Daniel listened intently.

"Nicolae! It is good to see you return. How is Project Awesome proceeding?"

"It is... advancing, King Petru. Still, I have to question the Project, sire."

"What could possibly go wrong? A legion of the undead at my command, striking at our enemies? How cool is that?!"

Nicolae sighed. "They do not take orders very well, my lord. We're running out of people willing to officer the regiment, since most of them mysteriously are found the next day with no blood in their bodies."

Petru drew himself up to his full height. "Then I shall command them... myself! We shall recover our ancestral lands with any means necessary!"

Nicolae bowed and left, muttering: "Stupid fool, at least we'll have a new king tomorrow."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surprisingly, however, the king survived. Although Daniel couldn't see much, several of the palace maids whispered about Nicolae's ultimate fate -- he was impaled for his lack of faith in the king. The king then impaled everybody else in the army for their lack of courage. The impaling industry was booming; one enterprising carpenter invented the "Impaler 5000", which was a stake covered in beeswax. That meant that blood and fecal matter didn't stick to the stake, allowing for multiple impalings. The carpenter was briefly the richest man in the entire country before himself being impaled. He didn't do anything wrong, he just tripped one day in his office. In retrospect, leaving samples around the shop uncovered was probably a bad idea.

Even Daniel, hardly the most bloodthirsty sort, was hoping that the king would get impaled. Petru's foreign policy could only be described as schizophrenic. After improving relations with Transylvania, he then decided they were mortal enemies and took steps accordingly.

wallachianewmission.jpg


wallachianewmission2.jpg


wallachiawar.jpg


The king's beloved Project Awesome ended very quickly when his brilliant idea of a dawn raid ended up killing his entire army before they made contact with the enemy. And yet, Wallachia survived. Every member of Venice's coalition got their pound of flesh, but surprisingly, all Wallachia had to do was pay some cash, surrender Serbia (which wasn't even his to begin with), and make a bunch of phony promises. Better still, the entire vampire population of Wallachia was dead, which earned Petru I plenty of credibility with the peasants, who hailed him as the greatest king ever.

wallachiapeace.jpg


(Quick digression from the author: Milan and Austria are pretty awesome at this point. Here's Milan's Balkan holdings and Austria before a disastrous war with Bohemia:

wallachiasupermilan.jpg


wallachiasuperaustria.jpg


Champagne also PUed Brittany. Austria literally stretches from Vienna to the Himalayas, or it did at the time the screenie was taken. Even better, the Ottomans are still alive! In the 1570s! That has to be an EU 3 first.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel spent most of 1575 under the rug at the entrance to the palace. The flies finally got some attention, although surprisingly late. Then again, the king considered bathing the work of the devil. A courtier tried to point out that vampires were also the work of the devil. The courtier was, as you might expect, impaled. A priest was also impaled for not telling the king that vampires were evil.

A maid lifted the carpet and found Daniel the cow pie. On the one hand, she knew it was her job to keep the floors clean. On the other hand, most of her family had been impaled and she wasn't particularly loyal to the king as a result. Her solution was to put Daniel directly under the king's throne, betting Petru wouldn't notice, and he didn't. As a consequence, however, impaling were up 150% with people complaining about the surprising change in the king's odor.

Daniel decided to make the best of it and ask Chaos more about his life. "Can I ask you something, Chaos?"

I guess, loser. My life is pretty great in comparison to yours, so I understand completely why you want to know more.

"Is there one of you in every universe, or are you just everywhere at once?"

Chaos groaned. Why are all of your questions so damned complicated? Can't you just ask something simple, just once? Seeing that Daniel was not going to be dissuaded, Chaos continued. All right, pork chop, let's see if you can wrap your meaty head around this. I. AM. NOT. A. CORPOREAL. BEING.

"So?"

So, genius, that means the laws of matter and such don't apply to me. I can be in as many places at once as I need to be. I just spread out some more of my... stuff, I guess.

"But you only have one mind. How can you possibly understand and process everything at once?"

You aren't exactly taxing my mental capacity. My presence counts for a lot, even if I'm not paying attention to it. If more is needed, I can also subdivide my mind, like another core in a computer. My job is pretty hands-off, if you want the truth. Most of the universe runs itself without help from me or Order. If I have to intervene, I can very easily, but for the most part I don't, and neither does Order. Only when something is too broken does it need fixing.

"But you're finite, and the universes are, practically speaking, infinite. How do you cope with that?"

Chaos was suitably impressed, as that was a very good question. For the most part, I don't. Some universes just don't get any support, especially if they're really weird or beyond hope. We might designate a few LELFs, but that's it. The LELFs handle low level stuff just fine on their own. They know when to call in the big guns and when not to.

Daniel nodded. He was going to ask something when somebody entered the throne room and the king addressed him.

"Is the war declaration ready, Minister?"

"Of course, my king. Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"No, not really, but I'm bored and I want to see some action."

The minister was taken aback. "That's more honesty than I expected."

The king shrugged. "You may go now. Let's get it on!"

wallachiawar2.jpg

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody knew why Wallachia was still safe. Probably because a 1337-thuanian general was given command of the Bohemian task force, but for whatever reason, troops marched through Wallachia back and forth without sieging it. Again, Bohemia simply charged a small fee and left.

wallachiapeace2.jpg


Now it was August of 1579. Daniel was looking forward to going elsewhere, preferably not as a waste product. All he had to do was just exist a few more months and he'd be just fine. Of course, nothing was that simple.

wallachiawar3.jpg


When Petru I heard the announcement, instead of being horrified, he was relieved. "Finally! We're going to get annexed, this time."

That brought quite a few surprised remarks. The king chuckled. "My invincible legion is gone. I'm running out of people to impale. People hardly visit me anymore and I don't know why. I'll be glad when this dreary hell hole is invaded and conquered."

A particularly brave soldier raised his hand. "Sire, won't you be executed?"

"Yeah, probably. What are you gonna do?"

Chaos started snickering again. Daniel was immediately on the alert. "What is it, Chaos? Is this your doing?"

Of course not. Don't be stupid. Well, any stupider than you have to be. No, it's just that Order probably forgot to tell you something.

"How do I know he said it?"

Here's a note.

Dear Mr. Carlson,

Sorry I didn't tell you this when we spoke last. Must have slipped my mind. Anyway, you aren't allowed to leave in the middle of a war any longer. It's too jarring and destructive and is giving Chaos an unfair advantage in the bet.

Order.

"So, essentially, I'm stuck until Transylvania annexes us?"

Yep. Even better, Croatia is pretty tough and they've honored the call! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!! YOU'LL BE STUCK AS POO FOREVER!!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forever turned out to be about 8 months, which was still unbearably long for Daniel. Transylvania won and indeed annexed Wallachia.

"Where are we going now, Chaos? Am I going to be feces again?"

Nah, that joke is old now. I haven't decided what you'll be, but you will be it...

in the Kazakh Horde! Which is also an OPM!


Daniel sighed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry it took so long to get this update out, but I promise the next one will be a little quicker; probably this weekend, if not earlier.
 

LordTempest

You mother baka
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The impaling industry was booming; one enterprising carpenter invented the "Impaler 5000", which was a stake covered in beeswax. That meant that blood and fecal matter didn't stick to the stake, allowing for multiple impalings. The carpenter was briefly the richest man in the entire country before himself being impaled. He didn't do anything wrong, he just tripped one day in his office. In retrospect, leaving samples around the shop uncovered was probably a bad idea.
:rofl: I do wonder if there were quite enough impalings in that last update?
 

Avindian

People's Commissar of the Navy
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