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adamclason

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Ahaha, loved the update, especially the Khan's death and the prank on Chaos. And the puns are killing me!
 

LordTempest

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Shame about the Khan, I rather liked him. It was very nice to see Chaos get his comeuppance though. :)
 

Avindian

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Ahaha, loved the update, especially the Khan's death and the prank on Chaos. And the puns are killing me!

Hopefully not too badly :)

Shame about the Khan, I rather liked him. It was very nice to see Chaos get his comeuppance though. :)

I liked him too. I was honestly worried that this update wouldn't turn out very well, but I like the way it did turn out.

You never fail to make each post of this AAR funny. I'm waiting for the day you get to play as a world superpower. :p

They won't be a superpower for long with Daniel at the helm :D
 

NapoleonComple

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Its nice to see Chaos get his commuppance for once. How the heck is Daniel still sane?

Er, maybe "sane" is the wrong word, not babbling incoherently? Guess the mind really does adapt to anything in time...
 

Ashantai

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Great update, so very funny!
 

Avindian

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Its nice to see Chaos get his commuppance for once. How the heck is Daniel still sane?

Er, maybe "sane" is the wrong word, not babbling incoherently? Guess the mind really does adapt to anything in time...

I think he's so dull he doesn't have the creativity to go insane.

Great update, so very funny!

Thanks! :)
 

Avindian

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Avindian

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Interlude: Pomerania

(Note: This was easiest the most boring game I've ever played of EU 3. So, to keep from going mad myself, we're going to visit with Chaos, Order, and Death some more. Enjoy!)

At Unscrupulous Bill's, a voice rang out. "Who had 1521 in the death pool for Pomerania?"

Nobody put their hands up. Who would have thought that an OPM run by Daniel Carlson would last for eight years? The bookkeeper smiled as he collected his winnings.

Chaos laughed. That little shrimp. I can't believe even he got bored in Pomerania. Maybe there's hope for him!

Order and Death sat on either side of him. Brother, have you misplaced Mr. Carlson again?

Chaos looked offended. Look, Odor, I can't be babysitting that ape. He cramps my style.

Death tried a different tact. Hey, you know you deserved what you got. You should feel fortunate.

Exactly what could either of you chumps do?

Well, for starters, you'd lose the bet.

Chaos chortled. The meatbag was never part of the bet, Odor. Just that I could find some puppet and use him to break the world. That's it.

Death whispered to Order: Technically, he's right, Odor -- sorry, Order.

Order was unconvinced. If we gave you somebody more interesting, how would we know that you had been the one to fracture the world? It could easily be your avatar.

Chaos crossed his arms, refusing to budge on this point. Death decided to change the subject, knowing that if Daniel were dead, he would know.

Train any new LELFs, Order? (Note: LELF, of course, is Lesser Ethereal Life Form. Although since only Chaos is ever ethereal the entire time, I suppose "E" ought to stand for something else. We'll go with Eternal. Yeah, that works. We'll drop the Perfect in PELF too, so we'll have Primary Eternal Life Forms and Lesser Eternal Life Forms. Make sense? Sure it does. Back to the AAR.)

Order checked his cell phone. (What, PELFs can't have phones?) Nobody brilliant. I had Adequacy, Deja Vu, and Mild Bowel Irritability on Tuesday. No, wait. Deja Vu isn't until next week. That's funny. I thought I'd already met with her.

Chaos chortled. Mild Bowel Irritability? We have a LELF for that now?

There's a LELF for everything. In fact, I have one for every possible cause of death there is. Gunshot is always busy. I feel bad for Fell Up a Flight of Stairs; it's only ever happened once. Talk about a bad contractor. Still, since somebody had to die that way, he gets a LELF.

Is there a LELF for Driven Mad By Chaos?

No; you would be your own LELF in this case. Same thing for deaths caused by Order.

All three worked that one out for a while and nursed their drinks. The door to the bar was thrown open, and in stepped a now furious Daniel Carlson. Order and Death both said hello; Chaos said How did you get here?

"I can't die, remember? When I did finally pass out, Death's assistant let me up here."

I don't have an assistant.

Daniel, even in his righteous fury, could not help but be courteous. "She called herself Persephone?"

Death groaned. Oh, her. She's some goth girl, who insisted she had to stay with me because she raided my fridge. I was pretty mad, I have to say. She drank all my pomegranate juice!

Order and Chaos both sympathized. Groupies were not uncommon, even for PELFs.

So where were you, Mr. Carlson?

Daniel glared at Chaos. "He buried me alive. Said something about 'stepping out for a drink' and 'I'll be right back.'"

What's your gripe? I needed to remember where I left you. I marked your spot with a rock. I couldn't possibly have missed that!

"You were going to leave me there, weren't you?"

Of course not! I would have come and got you. Whether it was before or after your puny body was pounded into coal I can't say. You'd be more fun as coal.

Poor Buried Alive. He gets so excited, but he's much less busy than movies or TV would have you believe.

Order deftly switched topics. How was Pomerania?

Daniel looked nostalgic for a moment. "It was pretty good. It was peaceful; nothing happened until 1517."

Chaos choked on his drink. 'Pretty good?' Talk about nauseating! It's a good thing I stirred things up that year. Provided some class to the situtation.

"Oh yes, you're so mature. He sent notes to both Bohemia and Magdeburg covered in his own feces. Well, my own feces, since he properly speaking doesn't have any. Bohemia ignored it; Magdeburg declared war."

Chaos guffawed. The best part was that Bohemia ended up being the one to occupy us. So Magdeburg just sat there and stewed. Eventually, Magdeburg kicked around a bunch of our allies and by the time Magdeburg was finished, it had so much infamy that it couldn't even annex us! So it made us cancel our alliances and sent a stern note.

"Guess what comes next? Chaos takes over my body again and declares war on Bohemia, breaking our truce. However, because of our sturdy fort, it takes another three years to finally get annexed. No army, fully occupied, just nothing to do."

That's rough, Mr. Carlson.

"Thank you, Order."

Death checked his watch. Sorry guys, I have to get back to the shop. Good to see you're well, Daniel.

"By the way, don't people die when you're up here?"

Oh, sure.

"What happens?"

Chaos burst out laughing again. Depends on why he does it. Sometimes he leaves a note -- 'Back in five minutes' or something like that -- but one time, the three of us set about 100,000 of the stiffs up in a big domino type thing. Took two hours to set up, thirty seconds to finish.

Order and Death both smiled at that one.

"Isn't that disrespectful?"

They're dead. They don't mind.

"Can we not go to another OPM?"

Chaos bowed mockingly. Your wish is my command, my lord and master. We will not be going to an OPM.

Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. So where are we going?"

Mazovia. It's a 2PM! Which means I also get to impose random bits of nastiness.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's hope Mazovia is over faster. :) I'm surprised nobody commented on the sprite I used for Chaos in the last update; nobody recognizes it?
 

Avindian

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Chaos from FF1 PSP remake?
*closes FF wikia tab*

I was actually going for the NES version; I just grabbed the first sprite I could find. (I thought the NES Chaos was all black -- am I making that up?)

In any case, 50 million points to you for an excellent guess :)
 

Ashantai

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It was familiar but I couldn't place it.

Great update! Very funny.
 

NapoleonComple

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Mazovia lives?
 

Michaelangelo

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Hehe, Persephone drank all of Death's pomegranate juice. Nice spin on a classic myth. :p

Your random number generator must hate large nations.
 

CivandEUIII

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Mazovia?
Slowly start hating the RNG in 3.2.1.
 

Avindian

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It was familiar but I couldn't place it.

Great update! Very funny.

Thanks! :)

Mazovia lives?

Odds are, as a TO vassal.

Actually, completely independent. Poland has taken a pretty heavy beating and there is no TO any longer.

Hehe, Persephone drank all of Death's pomegranate juice. Nice spin on a classic myth. :p

Your random number generator must hate large nations.

I think it's because there are so many OPMs.

Mazovia?
Slowly start hating the RNG in 3.2.1.

I got really excited for a moment, because under Mazovia is Manchu; no such luck though.

To spice things up a bit, should I try generating countries based on random provinces? The only difficulty I see with that is that a lot of provinces are actually water. Let me know what you guys think.
 

tamius23

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To spice things up a bit, should I try generating countries based on random provinces? The only difficulty I see with that is that a lot of provinces are actually water. Let me know what you guys think.

The provinces are conveniently arranged in the history/provinces folder, with all sea provinces between them in one block.

Though a problem I can see is that a lot of the provinces are uncolonised, with no owner.
 

stnikolauswagne

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Excellent update as always. I guess if you keep playing like that eventually there will be no more OPMs for Daniel/Chaos to ruin and eventually one AI-country will do a WC due to their incompetence/bad luck :D