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NapoleonComple

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Ryuyku? Now thats just cruel. Letting it survive till 1498 and then letting Daniel and Chaos take charge.

Thats a level of meanness I thought even the RNG was above.
 

blsteen

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Ryuyku? Now thats just cruel. Letting it survive till 1498 and then letting Daniel and Chaos take charge.

Thats a level of meanness I thought even the RNG was above.
The RNG is above no level of meanness...hence the random aspect.
 

Ashantai

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Just caught up with these two updates; wonderful! Death in the first one was fantastic, and poor Danial, a fowl and a horse...and now to the OPM of all OPM...Ryuku. I don't foresee great triumphs in his future!
 

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Ryuyku? Now thats just cruel. Letting it survive till 1498 and then letting Daniel and Chaos take charge.

Thats a level of meanness I thought even the RNG was above.

The RNG is above no level of meanness...hence the random aspect.

blsteen has it right, although... Hmm. True randomness would be little more than chaos.... ::ponders::

Just caught up with these two updates; wonderful! Death in the first one was fantastic, and poor Danial, a fowl and a horse...and now to the OPM of all OPM...Ryuku. I don't foresee great triumphs in his future!

Thanks, as always, for the kind feedback!
 

Avindian

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Ryukyu: Daniel is expected?!

Welcome to Ryukyu, Daniel-san. For once, that actually makes sense!

"Thanks, Chaos."

You're in luck. I've made you a badger!

"Why is that lucky?"

Remember Assam? Well, these guys actually do believe in the Great Spirit Badger. So you're actually a talking badger.

"I suppose that's something."

Something got you down, champ?

Daniel sighed. "It's the constant failure."

Cheer up, buddy! I'm succeeding. You can be happy for me!

"Can't I succeed?"

Chaos scoffed. Of course not, meat head. If you succeed -- thus providing order and stability to a region that didn't otherwise have it -- I fail. Your specific purpose is only to give me a vessel with which to influence the world. Unfortunately, I have to let you have free will, or I'd just have every country declare war on every other country. The bet is that I, Chaos, acting through you, personality bereft robot, break a world so badly that I cause a rift in space and time. If I win, I get to use all of my talents to destroy an entire universe in any way I'd like. If I lose, I pay Order's bar tab.

"Then why not pick a powerful country and let me run it into the ground?"

Because I'm Chaos, stupid. There has to be some randomness involved or it's no fun.

"Sometimes, you don't make any sense."

Chaos blushed. Why, thank you!

They approached the ruling palace, which was oddly enough unpainted wood. Even the sign over the door said "This Space for Rent." Daniel tapped on the door with a forepaw, and the shaman answered.

"Behold, ye mortal, for I am the Great Spi--"

"You're late."

Even Chaos was dumbfounded by that one.

"You didn't let me finish, I was about to say that I --"

"Am the Great Spirit Badger. Yes, I know. Pleased to meet you. Now, do you want to come in or not?"

"Uh, sure."

"Here's a map of the kingdom and our economy."

ryukyumap.jpg


Here's your mission.

ryukyumission.jpg


Daniel asked Chaos what was going on; Chaos shrugged, which scared Daniel more than anything else he'd seen thus far.

"My Lord? The Badger is here."

An exasperated "Finally!" was heard from the throne room. Of course, I use term very loosely. It was less a throne than a log, and less a room than two walls, a roof, and half of a floor.

Daniel-san, Spirit Badger and very confused accountant/tax lawyer, saw Ei I Chin, the ruler of Ryukyu.

"What took you so long?"

"Um..."

Ei I Chin had the look of a man that was tired of explaining something, but had to explain it yet again. "We of Ryukyu are gifted -- cursed, more likely -- with the ability to see our fates. This is true in every possible universe. Around 1399 or so -- it's always that year for some reason -- we become aware of our impending doom. Sure, in a few isolated universes we succeed gloriously. Some times we even conquer the world! But for the most part destruction is our fate. Within ten years of every Game we are snuffed out. It is almost law."

Daniel was about ready to concede his sanity then and there. "Game?"

The King's eyes narrowed. "Surely the Great Spirit Badger knows of the Games?"

"I'm, uh, new."

"I see... In any event, we are doomed to non-existence in nearly every possible reality. In other realities, they put up spirited defenses. In this one, I chose to simply plan for the eventual defeat of our country."

He jerked his thumb towards a pile of banners, some of which said "Greetings Invaders!", "Make Yourselves at Home!", and Chaos's favorite, "I, For One, Welcome Our New Overlords."

(Apologies to Kent Brockman.)

"Isn't that kind of bleak?"

Ei shrugged. "Why spend money and time building structures that will get knocked over anyways?"

Daniel couldn't counter that one, so he tried another tactic. "But you seem to be doing so well! You have some of the best technology in the entire world."

"We had to do something while we waited for our inevitable doom."

"So perhaps your visions are wrong?"

Ei I Chan looked at Daniel like he'd grown a fourth head. "The visions... wrong?"

"Sure!"

"Everything I've ever known suggests you're mistaken, but then, you are the Great Spirit Badger... perhaps you're right. What do you recommend, O Badger of the Sky?"

Daniel quickly scanned the map and chose a weak target. "Let us attack...

"Brunei!"

ryukyuwar.jpg

------------------------------------------------------------------
It was not the most thrilling of wars, especially since the entire Ryukyu army -- 2000 brave soldiers -- could not fit on the mighty fleet of four ships. Ei ordered a cog built, but it took over 200 days to finish, probably because the shipyards were only staffed by three old men, a young boy, and a man who swore up and down he was a naval hero when he wasn't just swearing from his copious intake of alcohol.

Daniel stepped out to see the progress before the brave soldiers debarked for Brunei.

ryukyuinvasion.jpg


Ei bowed to Daniel. "Great Badger, you have inspired us with hope. I will personally lead our men into battle. Would you like to come, O Spirit?"

"I am so confident in your success that I do not feel the need to intervene personally, Ei, Lord of the Ryukyu. In fact, I should intervene on the sides of your enemies, just to make the fight fair!"

With a huge smile, Ei bowed one last time and boarded the ship.

The Ei that returned four months later had a very different attitude.

"I do not wish to question your spiritual wisdom, Great Badger, but could you perhaps explain why hundreds of my men are dead and we had to flee?"

ryukyusabh.jpg


Daniel knew he was on shaky ground. "Uh, you know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

Ei took a moment to puzzle that one out. "And what if we are defeated again?"

"You keep trying until you do!"

"I see. Will you honor us with your presence this time?"

"The Great Spirit Badger helps those who help themselves!" He quickly ran off before Ei could ask any more questions.

You're on top of your game, Daniel-san.

"Why did they lose, anyhow? Shouldn't the Brunei jungles have given them better terrain?"

Chaos shrugged. Who knows? Maybe the other guys were actually trying to win instead of relying upon an ethereal quadruped.

Daniel nodded. "Is there anything I can to do to help him?"

Chaos laughed. You're a badger. What are you going to do, bite the enemy army on the ankle?
------------------------------------------------------------------
It was New Year's Day, 1500. While Ei Chin looked after his new army, Daniel scampered along beside him.

"3,000 troops this time?"

"Indeed. We've also built another ship to carry us to Brunei. You're sure we'll win this time?"

"Before I got here, noble Ei, you were ready to surrender. It is your faith and courage that determine whether you shall win."

You're getting pretty good at the meaningless platitudes.

Ei nodded. "I have received this offer of peace from Brunei; should I accept it?"

ryukyupeaceoffer.jpg


Daniel blacked out for a few moments. When he awakened, Ei was running with a furious growl towards the ships.

"What just happened?"

I helped you out some.

"They look pretty mad."

I told them 'White Peace' was Brunei's way of saying that his... equipment was inferior.

"Why did you take over?"

I was getting bored. There just aren't any good puns to be made from Ryukyu or Brunei.

"Poor guy."
-------------
By November 1501, Ei returned. Instead of returning with the head of the Sultan of Brunei on a pike, he returned with no soldiers. He was crying.

"O, Badger of Eternity, what are we to do? We won two great victories, but the Unbelievers simply kept going! My entire army has been routed!"

ryukyusabah2.jpg


ryukyusabah3.jpg


ryukyusabah4.jpg


Daniel's remark, an unhelpful, "Oh dear! That's no good at all!" did nothing to relieve Ei's misery.

"You are the incarnation of one of our mightiest gods! Can you not smite them down?"

Ooo, this should be good.

"Well, you see, the planets have to be in alignment, and, uh, Mars especially needs to be in the tenth house..."

Ei came to a horrifying realization. "Are you... not the Great Spirit Badger at all?"

Daniel looked nervously about. "Why, Ei, don't be absurd! Of course I'm the Great Spirit Badger!"

Ei sat down with a thud. "This whole time... you're just a simple talking badger!"

Chaos whined, I would hardly call a talking badger simple. That's pretty hard, you know!

"Now, see here, King of Ryukyu, you must try again!"

Screaming children interrupted Daniel's brilliant inspirational speech. "The men from Brunei! They are coming to kill us all!"

Ei started crying again. "I've been fooled! I never should have trusted you! I even had the palace carpenter finish the floor! I planned on ordering a third wall! But you... you gave me nothing but false hope! YEEEEAAARRRGGGHHHH!"

As the King ran at the badger, his second-in-command stopped him. "Sire! I must order you to abdicate on charges of blasphemy and insanity!"

ryukyuinsanity.jpg


"Mighty Badger Who Knows and Sees All, I apologize for Ei. This was obviously a test of our faith. We shall now accept their offer of White Peace! They'll listen to reason, right?"

When Daniel fidgeted, the new King started to grow a little concerned himself. "Should I get the banners?"

"It couldn't hurt."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the Sultan of Brunei loudly proclaimed to an audience of a few assorted livestock that he was now Lord and Master of all Ryukyu, Daniel watched from a fair distance away.

Being a God wasn't easy, was it?

"You're telling me! At least when I was a spear, I was useful."

It's usually not good to pretend to be a god unless you can back it up. Like this, for example.

After a zap to Daniel's brain, Chaos sighed with contentment at the American's shrieks of agony. After a few minutes, Daniel regained consciousness.

Oh, and we're staying in Asia. We're going to join the Oirat Horde.

"That doesn't sound so bad."

Not as bad as this!

Chaos cackled as he zapped Daniel again, this time three times as hard. Daniel faded to black.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
As a special New Year's bonus, here's a map of the world in 1503, shortly after I jump to the Oirat Horde but before Ryukyu gets annexed.

eu3mapoir1503111.jpg
 

LordTempest

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Apparently talking badgers are the norm in Ryukyu. Surely this animal abnormality explains why other nations are so eager to subjugate it?

BTW could we have Daniel as a person for a change? the animal/inanimate object gimmick only works if it's not used update after update.
 

Rendap

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That map is..... Chaotic! I'ts offending my perspective of having nice borders (which will later be no borders) - Do something about it! NOW! Go to more countries and get them annexed... :D

Good Update as usual!
 

CivandEUIII

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The Oirats?
DHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.
 

NapoleonComple

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For the Horde! Well, this specific horde at any rate!
 

Avindian

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Apparently talking badgers are the norm in Ryukyu. Surely this animal abnormality explains why other nations are so eager to subjugate it?

BTW could we have Daniel as a person for a change? the animal/inanimate object gimmick only works if it's not used update after update.

I'd actually planned on making him a person in Ryukyu, but realized this might be my last chance at an Animist nation, so I had to go with the Great Spirit Badger. He'll be human again for the next couple of updates, depending on countries.

That map is..... Chaotic! I'ts offending my perspective of having nice borders (which will later be no borders) - Do something about it! NOW! Go to more countries and get them annexed... :D

Good Update as usual!

Thanks!

The Oirats?
DHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.

For the Horde! Well, this specific horde at any rate!

I don't have a lot of hope here; something I haven't been showing you (since I didn't know I was going here) was that Ming has pretty much beaten the snot out of the Oirat Horde at every opportunity. Still, I've never played with a horde before; should be interesting!
 

Ashantai

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Oh dear, the Horde is another unhappy country.

I love the Kent Brockman quote too!
 

Avindian

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Oh dear, the Horde is another unhappy country.

I love the Kent Brockman quote too!

Thanks :) I was worried nobody would get it if I didn't include the name.
 

NapoleonComple

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Well, things haven't quite got to the world-warping stage, but it must be getting close.
 

Avindian

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Oh god it's so meta it hurts. (But I love it.)

And my my, France looks fairly... shall we say, chaotic?

Yeah. Provence is the "winner", so to speak, but Paris must be one of the most valuable provinces in the game because France is still going strong. I do expect Burgundy to go under soon without some help.

Well, things haven't quite got to the world-warping stage, but it must be getting close.

I honestly haven't decided yet what will constitute a "win" or "loss" for Chaos, and the implications in Vicky 2 when/if I convert of a "win" or "loss."

What do you folks think? I really haven't given it much thought.
 

CivandEUIII

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Yeah. Provence is the "winner", so to speak, but Paris must be one of the most valuable provinces in the game because France is still going strong. I do expect Burgundy to go under soon without some help.
*cue Daniel having to go to Burgundy*
 

Avindian

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Avindian

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The O(ther) Horde. Hmmm. Should be interesting

It has been so far :)

I'm about halfway through my turn as the Horde; I intend to finish tonight and update tomorrow, if all goes well.

EDIT: I finished earlier than I expected; I'm going to update now! :)
 
Last edited:

Avindian

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Oirat Horde: Adventures in money-mismanagement (featuring Order and Death!)​

"Ugh. Will this ever get easier?"

No. Will you ever stop whining about it?

"No."

At least we understand each other. Cheer up, Daniel the Grouch. You're a human this time.

To Daniel's amazement, Chaos was telling the truth. Not only was he human, but he was male and in pretty good shape. He smelt of yak urine, but you can't have everything.

"So who am I supposed to be?"

Do I have to do everything for you? Make something up.

Before Daniel could respond, the Khan of the Oirat Horde galloped up with a company of ten soldiers. "Halt, peasant! State your name and your business here!"

Visibly sweating, Daniel thought briefly about trying his Great Spirit Badger gambit again, but tried a new angle. "I am nobody, Great Khan. I merely wish to live in peace."

The Khan looked around at his companions. "This peasant knows respect." When one of his companions started to speak, the Khan slit his throat and threw him off the horse. "A lesson some of you still need to learn."

The Khan dismounted, wiping his blade clean of blood. "Peasant, what is your name?"

"Call me what you will. My name is not important."

Ooo, groveling. I like that. Why don't you ever grovel for me?

The ruler of the Oirat Horde was unused to such obeisance. He decided he liked it a lot. "'Peasant' will do for now. I like your attitude. Why don't you join us as one of my companions?"

"I am no horsemaster and am not skilled with the bow."

The Khan growled. "You can either join us or join him," gesturing to his former companion.

Daniel nodded. "Then I am honored to join your company."

"Excellent!" The Khan gestured to the empty horse. "You may have any of the departed's things. He won't be needing them, after all!"

Amid the laughter, Daniel's head was spinning. "Chaos, what am I supposed to do?"

Chaos's smug response, You got yourself into this mess, dimwit. I suggest you hop on the horse, was entirely expected and entirely unwelcome.

Since Daniel had never been on a horse before (being a horse is very different from riding one), he struggled to get on the horse. He fell off twice, once landing on his head. As he desperately tried to get on a third time, he felt a huge shadow over him.

"Is there a problem, peasant? Is this horse not good enough for you?"

Meeting the Khan's icy stare, Daniel withered. "N-no, Khan. I am n-n-no rider."

"Then you are useless to me!" As the Khan drew his sword and prepared to decapitate Daniel, Daniel did the most heroic thing he could think of: He wet his pants and cried. Chaos chortled, saying Oh Daniel, don't lose your head over it!

The Khan's once stony face started to crack. He glanced at one of his companions, who could barely keep the smile off of his face. Within a few moments, the entire party was laughing. "Poor little peasant, can't you take a joke?"

Daniel stopped blubbering and tried to laugh. "Y-yes, s-s-s-sir. B-but what about him?"

"He was sleeping with my wife. I was just waiting for an excuse. Come on, I'll help you on the horse. I like you, you're funny!"

As Daniel's eyes finally dried, Chaos grunted. It would have been funnier to see you headless. I'm not sure how he would have responded, either, which also would have been funny.

"Clearly, you and the Khan have different ideas of humor."

Clearly. Anyway, you know what's really funny? Your economy.

oiratmap.jpg


"That doesn't look so bad."

Oh, it will when I do this!

oiratslider.jpg


"Land technology makes a lot of sense." Then Daniel did the figures and frowned. "Oh, wait. You're telling me I can't move the slider, aren't you?"

Yep.

"And you'll probably blame this on me, somehow, using your mind control."

I hadn't thought of that, actually, but I will now! Chaos's grin was positively wicked.

"At least the country looks like it's in good shape."

Chaos snorted. Sure it does. Only the smartest countries have a National Idea, but choose Glorious Arms for extra prestige in land battles.

Daniel started to whimper, just a bit. Chaos then delivered the ultimate punch line.

Oh yeah. Kazakh just declared war on you, and you'll be in a war with Ming and Manchu in three years.

Daniel's uncontrolled sobbing while he rode on just amused the Khan and his friends more.

oiratwar1.jpg

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As they arrived in the Oirat province of Kuruk Tag, the Khan gestured at his mighty soldiers.

"This province once belonged to rebellious curs. Here is what I do to rebellious curs!"

He indicated a huge pile of skulls. Daniel cowered; he was only half-pretending. "Truly you are a fearsome and mighty Khan."

"I have more men than even the Gods can count!"

Daniel, despite his better judgment, noticed they were divided into ten ranks of a hundred each. "You have 1000 brave and powerful warriors, sir."

The Khan was stunned. "How did you know we have 1000 men? Are you some kind of spy from the Kazakh?" The Khan's hand drifted toward his sword.

Daniel squeaked out an apology. "N-n-no, Khan of Khans! I am skilled with numbers."

The Khan stroked his beard. "That might well be useful. Still, I'm going to have slice off your hand for your insolence."

Daniel started laughing nervously, then gulped when he noticed nobody else was. For a solid minute, Daniel was desperately looking for a way to sneak away, then, once again, the Khan burst into laughter.

"You know, you really do a convincing job of looking scared, and you were absolutely right about the number of my men. Still, the Kazakh have no men in our area, so even though the Horde is not as mighty as it once was, we shall still prevail."

"Very good sir. May I recommend seeking some loans from Chinese bankers, Khan? You will surely get an excellent interest rate and we could use it to raise more troops. Also, we should spend all of our income only on improving our warriors."

The Khan smiled. "A fine idea, peasant. It shall be so!"

Daniel nodded, and felt bold enough to offer another suggestion. "I think your skulls will make a fine throne, Khan."

The Khan looked unconvinced. "D'you think so? Hmm. Only one way to find out!" The Khan climbed up to the top of the mound of the skulls and sat for a few moments. "No, I can't say I agree with you. Uncomfortable."

"I meant to take a throne and place it upon the skulls."

"Ah hah!" The Khan waved for twenty of his men -- it required that many to move his massive throne -- to carry the throne up the pile of skulls. "That does look pretty intimidating. I've got to hand it to you, peas-"

With a resounding crack, the throne slid down the pile and crushed the Khan, killing him instantly.

"Was that you, Chaos?"

Who, me? Chaos tried to look innocent and failed utterly. A few moments later, the new regent screamed "Murderer!" and ordered all 1000 soldiers to fire at Daniel at once.

They were very good archers.
----------------------------------------------
When Daniel woke up, he didn't see any piles of skulls, or grasslands, or anything. He did, however, see a pint glass full of Guinness, which was a much more appealing sight.

Welcome back, Mr. Carlson. I took the liberty of ordering you your favorite drink. Death told me.

Hi, Daniel.

"Thank you, Order. Thank you, Death. Where's Chaos?"

Order chuckled nastily. He's stuck in your body. He keeps trying to get up, and he just gets hit with more arrows. It's pretty funny, actually. Want to see?

He put it on the TV, and Daniel found himself laughing. The archers had literally pierced every single inch of his former body, and yet Chaos wouldn't stay down. Then one of the archers decided to ignite his arrow, which didn't stick in Chaos's body but did ignite the other arrows, so now Chaos was full of arrows, on fire, and running around and screaming. Even Death smiled, an extremely rare occurrence.

I thought you'd like that. Anyway, Chaos placed you in a no-win situation.

"I've done a bunch of OPMs, but I've actually got a nice system in the Oirat Horde. I even added two new provinces!"

oiratprovince.jpg


oiratprovince2.jpg


Death took that one. That's very true. However, Chaos's tactics also made this happen.

oiratbankruptcy.jpg


Subsequently, of course, these also happen. Remember, bankruptcy affects morale.

oiratuhoh.jpg


oirathovd.jpg


"How did the four die?"

Chaos's charbroiled body lumbered towards them. They grabbed him and chucked him into a lake; he was underwater for forty-five minutes but didn't die. They took shifts trying to drown him. When he got back out of the water, they just died out of shock. Weak hearts, I guess.

"Oh. So what happened, did the Horde get annexed?"

No; it takes too long to do that. However, Manchu is well on their way. Also, you're paying tribute to Ming and you went bankrupt again.

(Author's note: I spent from 1507 to 1513 staring at the screen as the entire Horde was occupied and Manchu slowly colonized it; they got two provinces by the time 1513 rolled around.)

Order checked his watch. Chaos should be here right about... now.

Chaos winked into existence. He did so as an amorphous winged demon. Here's a rough idea. (Don't worry; he's not corporeal or in his true form, so it won't kill you.)

120pxchaos.png


Very funny, jerks.

You deserved it, brother. I know of the bet you and Order have, but purposefully crippling Daniel to make failure certain is cheating.

Chaos whined. But the random number generator came up with 12 and then 5! That means the land slider is locked!

Order and Death whispered for a moment. Daniel started to panic.

As the official judge of this bet, I am granting a special exception in the future -- if an economy cannot survive without minting, Daniel may mint or use the locked slider. He cannot, however, use any other tech.

Order nodded. I'd say that's fair.

Chaos grumped a bit longer, but then nodded.

It's settled then.

Chaos glared at Daniel. Finish your beer, then we're going to Pommerania. And yes, you won't be randomly punished.

"That's a relief."
--------------------------------------------------------
Hope you enjoyed it! I'll edit the first page to incorporate Death's decision, which I think you'll all agree is fair. Of course, if you don't, well, I can't be held responsible for the consequences.