• Crusader Kings II Expansion Subscription

    Subscribe to the CK II Expansion and enjoy unlimited access to 13 major expansions and more!


  • Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

LordTempest

You mother baka
61 Badges
May 14, 2009
7.756
3.285
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Sengoku
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • March of the Eagles
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Imperator: Rome Sign Up
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Iron Cross
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Pride of Nations
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Darkest Hour
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Cities in Motion
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • East India Company
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Arsenal of Democracy
The King's eyes grew wide. "You're right! The heretics! I shall spear them all! Spear them but good! For the Great Spirit Elephant!"

Filthy Animist! *clubs*
 

arosenberger14

Captain
73 Badges
Jun 22, 2011
383
1.188
  • Semper Fi
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • For the Motherland
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Divine Wind
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Pride of Nations
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Stellaris
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Age of Wonders III
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rule Britannia
  • Stellaris: Ancient Relics
  • Europa Universalis 4: Emperor
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Europa Universalis IV: Golden Century
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Dharma
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
If the normal teleportation was nerve-wracking, being transported from the bar was far worse. Just before leaving, Daniel asked Order how bad it would be.

Well, it's like being drunk.

"What's wrong with that?"

Ask a glass of water.

(Author's note: Fifty million points to anybody who can name the source for this joke; an additional fifty million to anybody who knows where I got the Honest John's reference in the last update as well.)


The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Chapter 6, when Ford and Arthur are on the Vogon constructor ship right after Earth got blown up about to make the jump into hyperspace. Love those books!
 

Rendap

Second Lieutenant
60 Badges
Jul 14, 2009
131
1
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Sengoku
  • Europa Universalis: Rome
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • March of the Eagles
  • Magicka
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • For the Motherland
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • BATTLETECH
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Europa Universalis IV: Dharma
  • Age of Wonders III
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rule Britannia
  • Pride of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis 4: Emperor
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Ancient Relics
  • Europa Universalis IV: Golden Century
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Knights of Pen and Paper 2
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris Sign-up
Weapons.. Good!
Death.. Good!
Fail.. BOOOO!
Annexed?.. BOOOO!!!!!!!!

Anyway, good update and get back to reducing the number of nations.. :)
 

DisgruntledLemming

Colonel
46 Badges
Jul 3, 2011
854
4
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Stellaris
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • 500k Club
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Imperator: Rome
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Lithoids
  • Hearts of Iron IV: La Resistance
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Victoria 2
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Magicka
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
Holy... Crud...

Daniel... Daniel conquered a province!

*Sniff* I'M SO PROUD OF HIM!
 

Ashantai

Lost in Time
Demi Moderator
53 Badges
Aug 4, 2009
5.835
615
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Cities: Skylines - Snowfall
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Rome Gold
  • Heir to the Throne
  • For The Glory
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Stellaris: Lithoids
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Stellaris: Leviathans Story Pack
  • Cities: Skylines - Natural Disasters
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
  • Crusader Kings III
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Stellaris: Ancient Relics
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Crusader Kings III: Royal Edition
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • 500k Club
  • Victoria 2
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV
That was a great update! Your theory of time travel is very interesting and similar to mine.

As for this sequence, you did really well with KB! Congrats! Very funny exchanges between Chaos and Daniel too!
 

SiikFajitas

Sergeant
45 Badges
Oct 9, 2011
81
0
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Semper Fi
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • March of the Eagles
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • For the Motherland
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Darkest Hour
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Cities: Skylines
  • 500k Club
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Victoria 2
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
Excellent update! I cant wait to possibly see Ol' danny boy succeed/fail with mainz.
Keep it up
 

Avindian

People's Commissar of the Navy
118 Badges
Jan 3, 2010
12.363
280
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Cities: Skylines Deluxe Edition
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Imperator: Rome
  • Stellaris: Necroids
  • Sword of the Stars II
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Victoria 2 Beta
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Knights of Pen and Paper 2
  • Surviving Mars: First Colony Edition
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Cities: Skylines - Natural Disasters
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Shadowrun Returns
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • BATTLETECH
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
  • Shadowrun: Hong Kong
  • Tyranny - Bastards Wound
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
yay for update! yay for derpy puns!





xD nice...

Glad you liked it!

Filthy Animist! *clubs*

No, spears! :D

Great update, as always :D Chaos has a surprising love for puns.
And Daniel should've been club. Though I assume Chaos wouldn't allow it :)

What ever happened to Duke of Wellington?

No answer to your question. Chaos's love of puns is based on a former roommate of mine, who kept inventing new, more horrible puns for the sole purpose of torturing me. Write what you know is what they always say!

This update is well in keeping with the spear-it of the AAR.

Nicely done!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Chapter 6, when Ford and Arthur are on the Vogon constructor ship right after Earth got blown up about to make the jump into hyperspace. Love those books!

Enjoy your fifty million points! I've already stated my previous love for Douglas Adams in this AAR; I highly recommend the Dirk Gently novels as well. It's a shame he left us so soon. :sad:

Weapons.. Good!
Death.. Good!
Fail.. BOOOO!
Annexed?.. BOOOO!!!!!!!!

Anyway, good update and get back to reducing the number of nations.. :)

I'm sure Mainz will probably accommodate you :)

Holy... Crud...

Daniel... Daniel conquered a province!

*Sniff* I'M SO PROUD OF HIM!

Two of them actually! Look closely at the last map; both Ifni and Dendi were taken from Benin.

That was a great update! Your theory of time travel is very interesting and similar to mine.

As for this sequence, you did really well with KB! Congrats! Very funny exchanges between Chaos and Daniel too!

Every time I ask myself, "Why don't I try more tribal countries?", I remember, "Oh yeah, the whole no fort thing and constant rebellions." Lots of AARs have already been written on that (PrawnStar's most notably), so I left some of that out of the update.

Glad to see we agree on some matters!

Excellent update! I cant wait to possibly see Ol' danny boy succeed/fail with mainz.
Keep it up

Thanks for the kind words! I rather suspect failure is the most likely outcome.
 

Avindian

People's Commissar of the Navy
118 Badges
Jan 3, 2010
12.363
280
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Cities: Skylines Deluxe Edition
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Imperator: Rome
  • Stellaris: Necroids
  • Sword of the Stars II
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Victoria 2 Beta
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Knights of Pen and Paper 2
  • Surviving Mars: First Colony Edition
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Cities: Skylines - Natural Disasters
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Shadowrun Returns
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • BATTLETECH
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
  • Shadowrun: Hong Kong
  • Tyranny - Bastards Wound
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
Mainz: Daniel has a brush with Death

Daniel Carlson was dreaming of 1040s. (Author's note: For my non-American readAARs, a 1040 is a yearly tax form.) Now, normally when he had this dream, he was happy. Instead, in this dream, the 1040s were attacking him, giving him a multitude of paper cuts. Perhaps worst of all was the biggest one, which constantly insulted Daniel, saying that he wasn't worthy to even spill his blood on the form, let alone write on one. Then, for no reason, they all burst into flames and he was decapitated.

Daniel awoke with a start, and something very strange came out of his mouth.

A horrified cluck.

Did you like your dream, Danny? I cooked it up especially for you.

Daniel attempted to respond, but all that came out was another cluck.

Also, you're a chicken.

After several more tries, Daniel found his voice again. "I figured that part out. What's with the dreams?"

A special gift from me to you.

"You can control my dreams?"

Sure. Anything your brain is involved in, I can alter to my liking. I could make you break your neck, for example.

"I see. Any particular reason why I'm a chicken?"

You complain too much. First it's, 'Chaos, I don't want to be a goat!' Then, 'Chaos, why am I woman?' You're never happy.

Daniel decided, wisely, not to fight another losing battle. "So this is, Mainz, eh?"

Chaos, as usual, produced a map, but left the economy out for once. Sorry, I got bored. Plus, there's not much you can do, since you have to spend all of your income on Production technology.

mainzmapmission.jpg


"How do I influence policy as a chicken?"

Chaos shrugs. How should I know? Peck the Archbishop until he surrenders?

"What do we know about him?"

Matthias II, or "Matty" as he insists on being called, is somewhat unusual for an Archbishop.

"How so?"

You'll find out soon. After all, the man's got to eat. An evil grin spread across Chaos's face.

When Daniel's voice emitted a scared cluck, he meant it that time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the Archbishop's raiding party returned to Mainz, Daniel understood what Chaos meant. Matthias II, Archbishop of Mainz, wasn't dressed like the normal archbishop.

Matty greeted the party's return with a big smile and "Beautiful bird, baby!" His cloak shimmered, his rings were incredibly large, and even as a chicken, Daniel couldn't help but notice the fawning crowds of beautiful women outside the palace.

"You were right. He is certainly out of the ordinary."

It's a shame that nobody remembers him in the modern day. As if to prove Chaos's point, Matty bent down and kissed one of the most beautiful -- groupies, I guess, would be the word.

His chief advisor looked nervously at the sky. Matty noticed this and chuckled. "Relax, brother, it just says I have to be celibate. Doesn't mean being Archbishop has to be a drag."

The advisor coughed. "Perhaps not, sir, but is it wise to so openly violate the spirit of His commandments, if not the spirit?"

Matty rolled his eyes. "Oh, lighten up. As long as all I violate tonight is spirit, I should be fine. Now let's take a look at this clucker!"

Daniel desperately broadcast thoughts at the Archbishop that he didn't want to be eaten. To his amazement, Matty winked and said, "No worries, my feathered friend. No pot for you tonight."

Even Chaos was speechless. I think he... heard you!

"I sure did, chief."

Who are you?

Matty chuckled again. "Just a man with a plan, Chaos baby."

Both Daniel and Chaos looked at one another (sorry about that image!), completely unsure of what to do or say next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the days and weeks continued, Chaos and Daniel learned more about this remarkable Archbishop.

"Are you two comfortable? I know you've probably got all kind of questions."

"Er, I guess so."

"Chaos?"

Yes... I'm fine. I think. How on Earth could you hear him? In fact, forget that, how could you hear ME?

Matty tsked. "You don't remember me?"

Can't say I do. You meat bags all look and feel alike to me.

"I was visiting Württemburg when you were on your merry little murder spree."

If you say so.

Daniel was completely confused at this point. "What difference does it make?"

"Poor Daniel. You aren't going to like what happens later on."

Chaos snapped his fingers, which was among the more awful sounds to hear in your head. You're a time-traveler!

Matty grinned. "About time. See, Daniel, any time-traveler can instantly recognize and speak to another. Even a demon like Chaos."

Yeah. Think of it as drops of water falling off of you when you get out of the pool; in this case, time travel leaves a residue when you get out of the 'river.'

"But how can he speak to me and understand me?"

He's probably psionic.

Daniel threw up his hands. Well, his wings, anyway. "You know what? I don't want to know."

Matty put a comforting hand on his head. "It's probably best that way."

Chaos looked at Matty appraisingly. What year are you from?

"10,000 or so."

Why did you come back this far?

Matty smiled charmingly. "Vacation."

Daniel found the courage to speak up again. "So you know what happens to me?"

Matty nodded. "I do."

"And?"

"And I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because you'd try to change things, which will mess things up for my timeline. I don't feel like going mad today, if it's all the same to you."

Before Daniel could ask another foolish question, the chief advisor entered to find the Archbishop talking with a chicken. Shaking his head, he cleared his throat.

"What is it, dude? Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You appear to be talking to a chicken."

"So?"

"Sir, only a demon would try to speak to a bird."

Matty considered that for a moment. "I'm, uh, exorcising the bird before we eat it."

At that, the advisor immediately brightened. "Forgive me your Holiness. It is good you think so well of us."

"Sure, whatever. So what's with the entrance?"

"We caught an Ulmish spy. He heard we had a chicken and was trying to steal it."

mainzulmmmm.jpg


"Good job I was protecting it."

"Yes, sir. Do you wish to attack them?"

"Over a chicken? Don't be daft, man."

The advisor bowed and exited.

"All right you two, I'd better keep you in the coop with the rest of the chickens so nobody else gets wise."

Daniel agreed that was fair.
-----------------------------------------------------------
By August of 1483, Daniel had lived a pretty dull life. Dull by our standards, anyway. He was the talk of the coop, with so much personal attention paid to him by the Archbishop. Some of the hens were a bit jealous. They seemed to think the Archbishop dreamy. As a chicken, Daniel understood his fellow feathered friends all too clearly, and quickly discovered why humans had never bothered to learn chicken speech; mostly because chickens never shut up and were fond of rather strong language.

You might even call their speech a bit -- fowl! Chaos laughed, then zapped Daniel because it had been a while.

"Why always the same joke?"

Because it's always funny.

While they argued on the merits of chicken-based puns, the Archbishop entered the coop.

"Hey there chickie-poo!"

"Please, Matty, not you too."

Matty chuckled. Of course, the chickens couldn't understand him or Daniel when they used human speech, especially since it was mostly telepathic. "We're off to war, my friend!"

At the word 'war', Chaos immediately paid attention, setting aside his mental volume of "A Million and One Chicken Puns." Goody! Against whom?

"Bavaria, principally, but it's mostly to recover Wurzburg. That was the mission, right, Daniel?"

"Yes, but why are you helping us?"

Matty shrugged. "Why not? It's not like many time-travelers from my time go back this far."

mainzwar.jpg


How's the war going so far?

"It's for the birds. Sorry, Daniel."

mainzwurzburg.jpg


That's some pretty impressive carnage. Where do I sign up?

Matty laughed. "I knew that would get your attention. I know you prefer to avoid that sort of thing, Daniel, but the fact is you're particularly plump and juicy, and it's taken a lot of effort to keep you from some of my hungrier subjects. Plus, I've convinced them that you're the reincarnation of Saint Egbert."

At Daniel's groan, Chaos chuckled. I like you, Matty. What are we waiting for? Let's go!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The war had been going on for a year. Matty already made an unpleasant peace with Alsace to get them out of occupying Mainz.

mainzpeace1.jpg


It was largely a war of sieges. Bavaria really had no troops left, as they were busy with Bohemia, on whom they'd declared war prior to the war with Mainz.

mainzwarprelim.jpg


mainztaleofthetape.jpg


"Matty, I'm no military genius, but why are we doing so badly?"

I'll say you're no genius, dummy.

"I heard he did well in Kanem Bornu, Chaos, so lay off. Actually, Daniel, it's because Würzburg can't sign a peace with us as Bavaria's vassal. Even with no troops of their own, they're still getting help from other smaller allies. Otherwise, I bet we could take down not only Würzburg, but Frankfurt too, since Frankfurt has one of our cores."

"That actually makes a lot of sense."

"Glad to hear it. It's not like it could get any worse, after all."

Chaos chuckled. By sticking up for Daniel, Matty had unwittingly sealed his own fate. After all, Chaos was nothing if not extremely petty.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 1485. With Matthias II currently rotting in a Bavarian prison and his nobles in no mood to rush him back to Mainz, there was a massive feast in honor of the skilled diplomacy of the chief advisor, who'd called in the Bohemians to drive out Mainz's enemies.

Matthias had lost the entire army of Mainz in two battles, culminating at the disastrous battle of Ansbach.

mainzansbach2.jpg


That Bavaria had even offered a white peace was entirely because of Bohemia's intervention.

mainzpeace2.jpg


However, as badly as he felt for Matty, Daniel had much more on his plate, quite literally. Without the Archbishop's protection, Daniel was the centerpiece of the victory feast. He'd already been plucked and beheaded and now found himself boiling. Since, of course, he couldn't die, Daniel was simply in agony the entire time. The cook, confused by the fact that dinner was screaming with no head, simply stuck some wax in his ears to stop out the noise and continued on his grisly task. After a few hours, Daniel felt himself fall asleep from the agony.
-------------------------------------------------------------
When Daniel awoke, he was no longer in Mainz. In fact, he had no idea where he was. He looked ahead of and behind him and saw quite a line, stretching back hundreds of thousands of miles. After what seemed like forever, Daniel found himself at the head of the line.

WHO COMES BEFORE ME?

Daniel couldn't believe it. The figure standing in front of him was dressed in a black robe and carried a scythe. It couldn't be... could it?

I SAID, WHO COMES BEFORE ME?

Death's stentorian roar deafened Daniel for about five minutes. Once the reverberations died down, he managed to eke out "D-Daniel. D-Daniel C-Carlson."

RIGHT THEN. THAT WASN'T SO HARD, WAS IT?

"Could you quiet down a bit, sir? My head is still ringing."

Oh, sorry. Is that better?

"Yes, thank you. What am I doing here?"

Although he couldn't see Death's face under the hood, he had the impression that Death was a bit bemused.

You died. You were plucked, decapitated, and boiled. What did you expect?

"I was told I couldn't die."

Death chuckled. Yeah, I hear that one a lot. Aren't you going to try to challenge me for your freedom or something?

Daniel was at a loss for words. "Um... if I have to, I guess. What's the challenge?"

Well, it's not a fiddle contest. You'd be surprised how many people think it's a fiddle contest. I also don't do chess any more. It's too easy.

"Really?"

Every chessmaster who has ever died has given me the memory of every game he or she has ever played. I have literally seen every possible move on a chess board.

"Oh."

So, to be sporting, we're going to play Twister.

"Twister?"

Yep. Even if you lose, you generally have a pretty good time, so it's not as bad for the mortals, I find.

"I have to admit, I didn't expect that."

I'd be alarmed if you had.

And so they played Twister. It turned out Death was incredibly flexible, which you might not expect from a skeleton. Within thirty minutes, Daniel had collapsed on the mat, defeated.

That was fun. Are you ready to tell me your life story and be judged now?

"What about Chaos?"

Death's hood gave the impression he had raised his eyebrow. You know my brother?

"Yeah, he's the one who said I couldn't die."

Death sighed. Another bet with Order?

"Yep."

I thought as much. See, Chaos always tells the mortals that they're immortal as long as he's with them.

"Yes, that's what he said."

Did he also tell you that he and Order cannot interfere in my realm as I cannot interfere in theirs?

Daniel responded with silence.

I think you've worked out which was true and which was not.

"I'm dead, aren't I?"

Death considered for a moment. You know what? I've already read your life story.

"Don't I have to tell you?"

Nah, that's just theatrics, like the loud voice and the robe. Death removed his robe. He was a perfectly normal man, although he had an uncanny resemblance to...

"Vincent Price?"

You know, I get that a lot. It's just a coincidence, I keep telling people.

"Sorry."

Don't mention it. So, as I was saying, I've read your life story, and to be honest, you seem like a decent sort. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm actually going to uphold Chaos's bargain, mostly because I'm tired of him messing with my stuff. Plus, it will totally freak him out.

"Thanks!"

Now remember, once you return to your own time, I'm retracting my protection. It wouldn't do to have immortals running around.

"Of course. Say, what's Chaos been doing while I've been... uh, dead?"

Not much. He got into two more wars, but didn't have much chance to participate. You'll be interested to know that Münster is back now, and Hansa has been annexed.

mainzwar2.jpg


mainzwar3.jpg


mainzmunsterarises.jpg


If there's nothing else, I'll send you back on the day you were due to leave. We'll make you just a normal guy for now, although that'll only last until you move on. Oh, and one last thing. I have to wipe your memory. You won't remember any of this. Sorry, but I can't have you spreading around that I'm not such a bad guy. You understand.

"That's fair."

Good luck, and have a good life!
-------------------------------------
Thinking he was finally free of Daniel, Chaos was considering his options, including manifesting his true form and depopulating the Earth, when all of a sudden he felt himself ripped back into a human body again.

What the? Oh, it's you.

"Can't get rid of me that easy."

Chaos sighed. I knew eventually Death would honor one of my guarantees. I was just hoping it wouldn't be you.

"I'll try not to take offense."

You should. Offense was most definitely intended. Anyways, we're off to Armagnac.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope everybody has a very merry holiday season, regardless of which one you celebrate! Descent into Madness will return in 2012.
 

DisgruntledLemming

Colonel
46 Badges
Jul 3, 2011
854
4
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Stellaris
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • 500k Club
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Stellaris: Megacorp
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Imperator: Rome
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Stellaris: Lithoids
  • Hearts of Iron IV: La Resistance
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Victoria 2
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Magicka
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
That was funny. Chaos came this close to ditching that worthless proxy body, if only Death weren't so sportsmanlike...
 

Concrete

Captain
97 Badges
Feb 5, 2011
453
90
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Magicka
  • Arsenal of Democracy
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Rome Gold
  • Semper Fi
  • Sengoku
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Europa Universalis IV: Third Rome
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Knights of Honor
  • Cities: Skylines - Snowfall
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Cities in Motion 2
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Divine Wind
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • For the Motherland
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Victoria 2
Well there is the last of the three, glad to see he's a nice chap.
Certainly seeing a lot of Europe there, I'm curious: You've obviously looked the world over, are there any specific nations which you're hoping to have a shot as?

Also, Happy holidays to you too.
 

generalolaf

welfare state fanboy
50 Badges
Jul 29, 2011
2.136
551
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Sengoku
  • Semper Fi
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • March of the Eagles
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • For the Motherland
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Cities: Skylines - Mass Transit
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Stellaris
  • Prison Architect
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • 500k Club
  • War of the Roses
  • Warlock 2: The Exiled
  • Victoria 2
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
Reminds me of DEATH. You know, Discworld Death.

I kinda like him :D Seems like a nice chap...
 

Avindian

People's Commissar of the Navy
118 Badges
Jan 3, 2010
12.363
280
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Cities: Skylines Deluxe Edition
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Stellaris: Apocalypse
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Imperator: Rome
  • Stellaris: Necroids
  • Sword of the Stars II
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Victoria 2 Beta
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Fury
  • Knights of Pen and Paper 2
  • Surviving Mars: First Colony Edition
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
  • Hearts of Iron IV Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Expansion Pass
  • Cities: Skylines - Natural Disasters
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Together for Victory
  • Crusader Kings II: Monks and Mystics
  • Shadowrun Returns
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Shadowrun: Dragonfall
  • BATTLETECH
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Death or Dishonor
  • Stellaris: Synthetic Dawn
  • Shadowrun: Hong Kong
  • Tyranny - Bastards Wound
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cradle of Civilization
  • Stellaris: Humanoids Species Pack
  • Stellaris: Digital Anniversary Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Stellaris: Distant Stars
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • Crusader Kings II: Reapers Due
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Tyranny: Archon Edition
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
That was funny. Chaos came this close to ditching that worthless proxy body, if only Death weren't so sportsmanlike...

Yeah, but then the AAR would pretty much have to end ;)

Well there is the last of the three, glad to see he's a nice chap.
Certainly seeing a lot of Europe there, I'm curious: You've obviously looked the world over, are there any specific nations which you're hoping to have a shot as?

Also, Happy holidays to you too.

Bohemia is the burgeoning super power; the rest of Europe is surprisingly up for grabs. France is particularly interesting, since Provence is the current guy in charge, but that could change at a minute.

I plan on providing some general maps once 1500 rolls around, so you all can look too :)

Reminds me of DEATH. You know, Discworld Death.

I kinda like him :D Seems like a nice chap...

I've not read the Discworld novels (that's Terry Pratchett, right?), so I'll take your word for it :)
 

NapoleonComple

Never permit evil to prosper
10 Badges
Nov 26, 2011
1.935
1.450
  • Cities in Motion 2
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Darkest Hour
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • March of the Eagles
  • Supreme Ruler: Cold War
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
That was one dedicated chef. Hard luck with Mainz. Maybe the random number God will give you something bigger than an OPM next time.
 

tamius23

Indefatigable Psychotic
39 Badges
Feb 12, 2011
2.652
14
  • Cities in Motion 2
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Sword of the Stars
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Europa Universalis 4: Emperor
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Cities: Skylines - Snowfall
  • Cities: Skylines - Mass Transit
  • Crusader Kings Complete
  • Crusader Kings II: Jade Dragon
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife Pre-Order
  • Cities: Skylines - Parklife
  • Prison Architect
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • 500k Club
  • Victoria 2
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
What, no Descent into Madness for a week? :(

Are you a chess player, Avindian?
 

LordTempest

You mother baka
61 Badges
May 14, 2009
7.756
3.285
  • Rome: Vae Victis
  • Victoria 2: Heart of Darkness
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
  • Sengoku
  • Semper Fi
  • Victoria: Revolutions
  • Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
  • March of the Eagles
  • Stellaris - Path to Destruction bundle
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mandate of Heaven
  • Imperator: Rome Sign Up
  • Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Iron Cross
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Victoria 2
  • 500k Club
  • Crusader Kings II: Holy Knight (pre-order)
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • Pride of Nations
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Stellaris Sign-up
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Europa Universalis IV: Rights of Man
  • Europa Universalis IV
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Europa Universalis IV: Pre-order
  • Stellaris: Galaxy Edition
  • Hearts of Iron III Collection
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Deus Vult
  • Darkest Hour
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Cities in Motion
  • Hearts of Iron II: Armageddon
  • East India Company
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Arsenal of Democracy
Death is my new favourite character. I look forward to seeing some maps.