Part One: Wherein TBV explains what the hell he was thinking
"Hey TBV, you should do an AAR."
"I haven't got time to do an AAR. I have a novel to write."
"How's that coming along, hmmm? You haven't touched it for months. Why don't you spend the time you currently spend not writing the novel on actually writing something else?"
"Okay, but why an AAR?"
"Because the Stellaris forums have, for some unknowable reason, decided to give you an audience. They'll read your stuff and criticise the hell out of it if it sucks, and that's gold dust to someone who's trying to write."
"But I can't do an AAR. It won't be as good as Fire Warms the Northern Lands, and if I can't be the best in the world then I don't want to do it at all."
"So be the best in the world in some way. Find a niche."
"What niche?"
"It doesn't matter. Look at your own life: you're a pretty average scientist, a pretty average writer and a pretty average political activist, but in the tiny little space formed by the overlap of the three you're world class. Do something similar with AARs. If you can't compete with Rensslaer on character AARs or with DDRJake on gameplay AARs, define a niche where you're the king."
"What? Astrophysics AARs? Nobody's going to want to read that! Have you seen how few people bothered to look at my new forum series? People basically don't care about orbital dynamics! And as for politics - "
"No, dumbass, something new and interesting. Come on, you're good at this. You're the man who ran a tabletop RPG horror session based on the song Hotel California. You're the man who analysed a third-rate political screed as if it were performance art and got widely quoted. You've done a feminist Let's Play of Dwarf Fortress which was popular and which might have been good if the weregiraffes hadn't killed it off early. Think outside the box, even if cKnoor is right and that places you in another, larger box. Do something unexpected."
"But what?"
- Conversations TBV has had with himself in the shower, volume 14, part D
Right. So. Battleships.
As of the current state of Stellaris, corvettes rule the roost and there is no reason to build battleships. They're later in the game, more expensive, less effective per unit of mineral and energy cost, and most of all they don't possess much Evasion. They have their peak efficiency against cruisers, which the AI doesn't build many of; and their unique niche is that they can be carriers, a feature so badly implemented that I refuse to believe that QA signed off on it at all. No thinking admiral would use battleships, except possibly as single ships to give their special buffs to fleets.
This is going to be a Stellaris battleships AAR.
As if that wasn't tying my hands enough, the following rules will be observed about those battleships:
A. No Impurities
Once I've discovered battleships, there will be no warships built which are smaller than battleships. Escorts are for sensible people.
B. No Duplicates
There will be no duplicates. Every ship will be in a class of its own, with no other ship exactly like her.
C. No Half Measures
All possible battleships will be built and used. There are six front sections, six midsections and four rears, which means 144 possible combinations. We will have all of them. This will take over 1000 fleet cap, which may be expensive; but since I've already thrown moderation to the winds, I'm going to do this properly.
D. No Unnamed Ships
Every battleship is unique. They will all have names, as badass as I can come up with. If anyone can think of any good names, including human historical references, then by all means let's have them.
E. No Jokes
I learned long ago that the funniest thing you can do is to take an inherently ridiculous premise and take it very seriously. Sly winks to the audience destroy the effect. I hope that this AAR makes you laugh, but it is not a piece of comedy writing so much as absurdist performance art.
F. Done Before They Fix The Game
If XL weapon slots come out, evasion gets fixed and armour gets fixed, Stellaris battleships might become playable. This AAR relies upon battleships not being playable. Therefore, time is a factor.
Welcome aboard. Pull up a battleship. I would say pull up a chair, but we don't use chairs, only battleships.
"Hey TBV, you should do an AAR."
"I haven't got time to do an AAR. I have a novel to write."
"How's that coming along, hmmm? You haven't touched it for months. Why don't you spend the time you currently spend not writing the novel on actually writing something else?"
"Okay, but why an AAR?"
"Because the Stellaris forums have, for some unknowable reason, decided to give you an audience. They'll read your stuff and criticise the hell out of it if it sucks, and that's gold dust to someone who's trying to write."
"But I can't do an AAR. It won't be as good as Fire Warms the Northern Lands, and if I can't be the best in the world then I don't want to do it at all."
"So be the best in the world in some way. Find a niche."
"What niche?"
"It doesn't matter. Look at your own life: you're a pretty average scientist, a pretty average writer and a pretty average political activist, but in the tiny little space formed by the overlap of the three you're world class. Do something similar with AARs. If you can't compete with Rensslaer on character AARs or with DDRJake on gameplay AARs, define a niche where you're the king."
"What? Astrophysics AARs? Nobody's going to want to read that! Have you seen how few people bothered to look at my new forum series? People basically don't care about orbital dynamics! And as for politics - "
"No, dumbass, something new and interesting. Come on, you're good at this. You're the man who ran a tabletop RPG horror session based on the song Hotel California. You're the man who analysed a third-rate political screed as if it were performance art and got widely quoted. You've done a feminist Let's Play of Dwarf Fortress which was popular and which might have been good if the weregiraffes hadn't killed it off early. Think outside the box, even if cKnoor is right and that places you in another, larger box. Do something unexpected."
"But what?"
- Conversations TBV has had with himself in the shower, volume 14, part D
Right. So. Battleships.
As of the current state of Stellaris, corvettes rule the roost and there is no reason to build battleships. They're later in the game, more expensive, less effective per unit of mineral and energy cost, and most of all they don't possess much Evasion. They have their peak efficiency against cruisers, which the AI doesn't build many of; and their unique niche is that they can be carriers, a feature so badly implemented that I refuse to believe that QA signed off on it at all. No thinking admiral would use battleships, except possibly as single ships to give their special buffs to fleets.
This is going to be a Stellaris battleships AAR.
As if that wasn't tying my hands enough, the following rules will be observed about those battleships:
A. No Impurities
Once I've discovered battleships, there will be no warships built which are smaller than battleships. Escorts are for sensible people.
B. No Duplicates
There will be no duplicates. Every ship will be in a class of its own, with no other ship exactly like her.
C. No Half Measures
All possible battleships will be built and used. There are six front sections, six midsections and four rears, which means 144 possible combinations. We will have all of them. This will take over 1000 fleet cap, which may be expensive; but since I've already thrown moderation to the winds, I'm going to do this properly.
D. No Unnamed Ships
Every battleship is unique. They will all have names, as badass as I can come up with. If anyone can think of any good names, including human historical references, then by all means let's have them.
E. No Jokes
I learned long ago that the funniest thing you can do is to take an inherently ridiculous premise and take it very seriously. Sly winks to the audience destroy the effect. I hope that this AAR makes you laugh, but it is not a piece of comedy writing so much as absurdist performance art.
F. Done Before They Fix The Game
If XL weapon slots come out, evasion gets fixed and armour gets fixed, Stellaris battleships might become playable. This AAR relies upon battleships not being playable. Therefore, time is a factor.
Welcome aboard. Pull up a battleship. I would say pull up a chair, but we don't use chairs, only battleships.
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