Chapter 1: Not Even Out the Gate and Already I'm a Liar
The coat of arms of House Hohenzollern. The motto roughly translated into English as Meh, I can take 'em. It's probably not German of 1066 accurate, but I only speak modern German. Well, English, but I can nod my head and say the right Teutonic sounds and most Germans just assume I'm retarded.
I'm okay with that.
This is my first AAR ever, version 6.3.2. I have most every DLC, except Conclave which I pick up later in the AAR, and I've the Aztec Invasion turned off. No Monks and Mystics, as trying to update my HIP to later editions causes a total game crash.
I decided to emulate Wiz's awesome Hohenzollern AAR from way back, and mixed it up with the tones of Saltborn and Flamboyant Schemer. It'll be my own thing as I attempt not to die horribly, despite my incompetency at this game (350 hours and I still don't know what I'm doing, with HIP especially, despite my love for it). I hope it'll be amusing to watch me flounder around, if nothing else.
I decided to emulate Wiz's awesome Hohenzollern AAR from way back, and mixed it up with the tones of Saltborn and Flamboyant Schemer. It'll be my own thing as I attempt not to die horribly, despite my incompetency at this game (350 hours and I still don't know what I'm doing, with HIP especially, despite my love for it). I hope it'll be amusing to watch me flounder around, if nothing else.
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When my father died, aside from his castle and a bad sense of fashion, he left me this map.
Personally, I think the world's too big. Everyone knows that, aside from Rome, the only places that matters is the Holy Roman Empire. That yellow thing.
Ah, that's much better. Plus, you can totally see my home of Zollern! It's to the left of that M in Roman. See? I circled it for you.
My name is Friedrich von Hohenzollern, lord of Zollern. Someday, that's a name that's gonna matter. But for right now, I think I'll get a haircut.
I decide to fix up my estates. I'll focus on business. Learns the ways of the wealthy burgher. And in so doing, I'll make money. I'll set my sights on... say, 500 gold coins in my treasury? That'll be a fair start. And it's more than father ever had.
When father died, he had this council assembled—a mix of people I respect and people I sort of wonder how they still remember to breathe. I'm pretty sure Diethart's already forgotten how at least seven times and I've only really here for, what, a month now?
To help with this my lofty ambition, I put my council to work, except the local morons, Dudo and Diethart. I keep them at home. I've already ordered one of the courtier woman to walk them every afternoon just to keep the rugs safe.
The light blue on the map below is Swabia, and I'm a vassal of its duke, Rudolf.
Duke Rudolf doesn't like me because I'm only 16 years old, but for some reason he's cool with letting me bang his daughter (eight years down the line, I admit, but still).
Someday I'll be a duke like him. Or maybe my son will. A nice duke with a nice little duchy, a hot wife, and a boatload of cash coming in every day.
This down here is Rudolf's boss, the Emperor Heinrich Salian. He's a craven puppy with large eyebrows but a big heart, if I'm reading this report right. Dudo wrote it for my father so that makes it kinda suspect.
On the plus side, I am a dog person.
Lacking anything to do, I become the founder and sole member of the Prosperity Club. I figure I should help remind my duke, and future father in law, that he should avoid being poor due to selfless reasons (and now because I want to squeeze every last dowry penny I can from him, no sirree).
I also send out a call for a physician. Dad didn't have one, so maybe that's what helped kill him so young.
Next step: install an awesome regent in case I go on a vacation. Someone who won't pee on the carpet.
Like my steward Enricho. Love that guy. Don't think I've ever seen a man so midas touched before. The man can make gold appear as if from thin air. (Note to self: never mention him to the clergy, just in case.)
Also I notice that Diethart, the chaplain, is startling proficient with swords, but not at being a priest. I'm really not sure why dad hired him for that job. I make him a commander of my armies, just in case he turns out to be a savant or something. Plus, it gives him something to do.
Oh! And guess who's answered my call for a physician.
The man was a genius, unlike my borderline retarded current chaplain, Diethart, whose only real talent was hitting things with a sword. Guess who just earned himself two new paying jobs and a fancy new hat?
Also, due to a clerical error because my chancellor is illiterate, I had to fire Diethard twice. This made him sad, and that man's like a little puppy at the end of the day. I gave him some money and let him run around in the forests around Zollern, pretending to be master of the hunt.
I made the mistake of ordering Dudo to do the paperwork to give Diethard the gift money, resulting in the loss of nearly a year's worth of income. That's coming out of Dudo's salary. (I'd have him executed at this point, but I checked for like a month, and there's no one in Zollern any better than him at the job, which honestly frighten me a little.)
In the meanwhile, I went to go meet Werner von Habsburg, Landgrave of Aargau, to see if he wanted to join my prosperity club. He's a individual concerned with money and stewardship, much like myself. He'd make a find addition. Plus, his home is just a little to the south.
I... may have gotten lost on the road south to Aargau. And spent a week chasing a family of badgers for food. Diethart actually saved me. He was out pretending to be master of the hunt just when the badgers had finally rallied against me, and found me right in the nick of time.
God bless that man and his sword arm. I can no longer exactly begrudge the 15 pieces of gold Dudo ended up giving him. It's payed for Diethart's loyalty, so I guess it was worth it.
Speaking of factions, someone reminded me I lead one and prompted me to hold a meeting.
All two of us meet up, and I decide that my father in law, Duke Rudolf, is a pretty swell guy, so I tell my nameless club associate there that I think so.
There's an awkward silence afterwords, but then my fellow gives me a polite clap. Bam!
Told you I was the best.
Ah, and then my work in business pays fruition as I patronize a local guild. I'm practically a trader already! I feel my skills with money rising—heck, the duke might even hire me for steward!
Plus Zollern gets more prosperous, and that's good. Means happier people. Right now, I'm living the good life.
I've increasing fortunes, my bride-to-be is the duke's daughter, and my country is prosperous. Life's damn good. Praise Jesus, whose earthly representative is the Pope in Rome. So long as we have each other, our fortunes are forever well!
And then the Emperor sets up an anti-pope.
And see, Christendom doesn't take kindly to that. And while the non Holy Roman Empire world might as well not exists, there's kind of a lot of Christians outside Germany. They have swords and knives and bows and oh hey look are they gazing our way?
Perfect!
And do you know what's even better?
When the duke, your soon to be father in law, invades Fürstenburg, which belongs to the Duke of Carinthia. Fürstenburg is the one just to the east of Zollern. If I stand on top of my castle I can sort of see it. And they have a lot more guys than us.
And then they ride to Zollern and siege my goddamn home. I try to send out Dudo as human bait and maybe distract them until Swabia's army (that's them down on the left) arrives to help. He nearly drowned leaving in the moat outside of Zollern, so we brought him back in and had to rethink our plan.
A straight up fight it'd have to be. My marshal wonders if I'm crazy, and I give him the only response that makes any sense.
I could not, in fact, take them.
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