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At the town-square in Bude, Scarlet Browne appeared in front of a small crowd to give a speech.

“Well well, it seems our constituency has gotten a visit in the last few days by a certain candidate from Hampstead to inform us on about the ongoings of this election. It does warm my heart that Labourites care so much about their duopoly that they would attack us, the party most able to oppose the Tories in the next parliament, and let Ryley stroll into government. But, for those of your who did hear what he had to say, allow me to straighten the record. Firstly, the idea that my party had held the government ransom over the last one, three, or even five years is just absurd. If Labour or the Tories aren’t popular enough to support themselves as a government, then that is just tough luck. Public support is not just a one time deal, as we acknowledge that a government remain appealing to the people seven days a week. Furthermore, while the Hampstead candidate falsely accused my party of partaking in a coalition with Labour, he is wrong as we Liberals agreed to a limited supply and confidence through negotiations. Needless to say, they lost our confidence and therefore our supply. Now, if the Hampstead candidate believes that Labour still has a mandate, in this day and age, may someone show him the newest national poll?

The crowd laughs at the last phrase from Browne’s address.

But, if the Hampstead candidate wishes to make the claim that we Liberals are unfit, unqualified, and unable to govern Britain, I’m obliged to point out that the Liberal Party has been in Downing Street since his ancestors were born. Our party have achieved victories beyond colonial freedom and devolution, including government reform, Lords’ reform, police reform, and not to mention the repeal of the most economically devastating act since the Corn Laws.

Applause erupts from the crowd as men and women cheer.

But it’s not the just the ordinary Labour MPs that are making erroneous claims, as the Foreign Secretary recently attacked the Liberal Party on the grounds that Liberals support reforms that are ‘unnecessary’. I must ask, the Foreign Secretary, is Lords’ Reform unnecessary while it was his own party that fostered the bill? Of course, being the same man who surrendered Cyprus and South Yemen, it doesn’t surprising me that he and his party would claim that we hold policies of Labour, yet also claim that we are essentially Tories with ‘crazy ideas’. This coming from the ‘party of ideas”, it doesn’t shock we that they are using every crooked trick in the book in order to attempt a victory. Of course, to top that off, Labour claims that we are the equivalent ‘government on the other side of the Iron Curtain’. This is Labour double-talk at it’s finest when they cannot even make up their mind on a coherent attack on the Liberal Party.

We Liberals have simply taken the measure to ensure the well-being of all people, and not pandering to interest groups. The Monaghan government may have had a mandate for a short time, but it lost it, fair and square through by-elections. If Labour politicians deems it unfair that the British people lost confidence in their government, then I suggest they find a different profession. Imagine, politicians who value the stability of government over the stability of the nation? This is why, folks, that we Liberals are different. We are willing to hold what’s right and just above politics in order to improve the lives of people, not our careers. In conclusion, while I admire the Hampstead candidate’s will to help out here in North Cornwall, but given their performance in the last few elections here in this constituency, I’d imagine the party is rather extinct nowadays as it is becoming across Britain. Still, if they expect to win here, I believe they have a gross overconfidence this election alongside their out-of-touch relationship with the people. So please, look back the fictitious rhetoric of Labour and support a responsible choice for government. Vote your conscious this Polling Day. Vote Liberal!"

~Scarlet Ethel Browne, Liberal candidate for North Cornwall
 
Liberal Party manifestos are circulated around the country and printed in newspapers...

The Liberal Party: Multiple Different Ways
Liberal_Party_logo_(pre1988).png
British Political Position: Far left, left, Centre-left, Left-centre, Centre-centre, Centre, Centre-centre, Centre-right, Right-centre, Right, Far-right
Ideology: Work-in-progress
Leader: Jo Grimond or Robert MacAlister or Princess Ethel

As one of the oldest parties in British history, the Liberal Party has changed its principles multiple times. In fact, we've decided to do away with those pesky things all together and just simply beg for votes from regionalists by speaking every language known to man including some only known to Liberals. The Liberal Party reached its second peak under David Lloyd George and Herbert Henry Asquith. Every Liberal has a portrait of the two men above their bed in order to ward off evil sprits, ghosts, principles, actual policy, and the boogeyman. The Liberal reached a third peak (we're really stretching the definition of "peak" here) when we sold what few principles we had left in order to be led by Lord Scarsdale. However, Scarsdale was simply better than us at selling his principles when he had his vehicle, the National Liberals (We're the regional ones) dissolve into the Tories. But we predict a fourth peak coming. Labour has somehow became so radical that even their Soviet handlers want them to slow down. This means that it is the perfect time for us to win a lot of votes, and this means selling a lot of principles!

Foreign & Colonial Policy: Because we don't have to deal with the realities of governance (thank God) we were the first people to push for decolonization. And today, looking on with pride at such great new nations like India, Rhodesia, Burma, and Cyprus, we can firmly say that decolonization was a horrible idea and we do not know why Labour decided to be so reckless.

Economic & Industrial Policy: We subscribe to a form of economics called Neo-Keynesian Post-Modern Radical Centrist Left-wing Right-wing Ordoliberalism. What exactly does this mean? Who knows. What we do know is that it simultaneously abolish private property and promote private ownership. The minimum wage will be both increased and stay the same. Taxes will be cut, spending will increase, and we will have a massive surplus. Britain will both have her cake and eat it too.

Social Policies: See Liberal MP Parris Marr.

Governmental Reform: The Liberal Party believes in a form of voting system called ATV (All-Terrain Voting) and PR (Populist Relations). We think that it is absolutely necessary for FPTP to be replaced as it does not accurately represent the views of the people. If a Liberal government is in power we promise that we will probably just keep FPTP because at that point it would just be bad for us.
 
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Londonderry, Northern Ireland
Vigil in front of the City’s Hospital


Many citizens of Londonderry were holding a vigil in front of the city hospital, where Samuel Devenney was being treated following the brutal attack he and his family had been victim of. The tension was running high in Northern Ireland with the bombings. Fear was mixing with intolerance into a very volatile and explosive cocktail, which could sweep away the foundations of the tolerant society Lochlan Fitzpatrick had devoted his career to.

Dressed in black, with no visible political affiliation sign, he joined the citizens in prayer. While some gave him hostile looks, many nodded in appreciation of his presence, as they knew he was one of the few reformers. The retirement of Baron O’Neill had rocked Northern Ireland moderates, who had lost sway because of the bombs and the degradation of the Rule of Law.

He slowly made his way through the crowd until he faced Devenney’s wife. He could see the pain on her face. She was wrought with conflicting emotions, her humanity torn asunder by the painful event of the last weeks. She met his gaze; fierce at first, then she sobbed and lost countenance, being helped by her son.

Quietly, softly, Fitzpatrick spoke to the poor soul. It was not a speech for the crowd, simply a few words of compassion, bound by the solemn character of the moment.

“I came all the way from Antrim, once I head the tragedy that has befallen you and your family. I would love nothing more than to tell you that what happened to your husband could have happened to anyone. That this was a tragic turn of fate. But the reality is that it is not. It wouldn’t have happened to a Protestant family. It is simply shameful, simply tragic. I will not try to tell you that this policy or that policy could have prevented it. We are past that. I will simply tell you that I weep with you, and that I pray for your husband’s recovery. That I will fight for him, because that is what I do. I will not cease until all our brothers and sisters who claim Northern Ireland as their home can live freely, safely and prosper together.”

He sustained her gaze for a long moment, then he backed away and he left the scene, many bystander moved by what they saw. There would be no exploiting of this tragedy, all the fibers of his conscience forbid it.
 
(Private)

"That's something you don't see everyday, David..."

"What's that Scarlet?" said David, his eyes fixated on his latest copy of Private Eye.

"The Tories are acting like Liberals."

"They were always a strange lot, Dear."
 
Timothy Blake at a public appearance in the Kensington constituency:

I come before you today to speak of a most pressing issue that is starting to plague the nation, one started and pushed incessantly by Labour, and that is the idea of class warfare. Labour would have you believe that the working class and capitalists are incompatible in society and that one must die out for the other to survive. They've tried their hardest to destroy the latter, as we saw with their disastrous management of the economy that saw capital flee the country and the middle class become bankrupt and unemployed. I wish to argue that nothing could be farther from the truth. This class warfare only exists because Labour and the far left wants it to. Their obsession with this Marxist idea will only pit Brit against Brit in an endless struggle that will destroy the nation. What I believe, and what the Conservative Party supports, is that all people of Britain are equal, regardless of what class they identify with. Everyone has a purpose in society. To purposely target someone based on class is needless and only fuels conflict. Of course Labour would say that I am merely trying to keep the capitalists above the workers, but I say that Labour should stop trying to punish people for their success. Many of those considered capitalists, the wealthy businessmen of society, were once your average worker, who through hard work and innovative ideas rose up to become titans of industry. They achieved their own success through their own sweat and blood. What kind of message does it send to the hardworking Brit when they see these men who rose from their own ranks suddenly struck down by the government simply for being too successful? No one will aspire to such heights if they know that they will be punished for their successes. No, what we should do is encourage men to reach for the stars, to tell them that if they work hard enough, they can be wealthy and successful too. Labour would force this class war upon us and in the process force us all into poverty. Instead we should give men the opportunity to rise on their own, to let the brightest minds and hardest workers achieve greatness through their own effort. The Conservative Party stands for all Brits, whether they identify as members of the working class, middle class, or as capitalists. We are all Brits and together we can share in the prosperity of our great nation.
 
J.C. Kirk at Labour rally in Hampstead.

Hello fellow residents of Hampstead.,

I've taken a break from the campaign trail, responding to the accusations, fallacies and general trash thrown at the Labour party, by The Conservative Party and the Liberal Party. Intend, in my home constituency, to make a broad basis of criticism for the Tories and Libs, alongside their policy in government.

One of the largest most obvious disconnects from the reality of their actions, is the Tory and Liberal moves to repeal the IDA and gut Labour rights. The opposition, celebrated the repeal of a law, of which The Labour Party ran on and put to the British people at large and gained a majority on. In voting for the Labour party, the British people specifically voted for, by and large, for the IDA.

Now note at the first available opportunity, The Liberals and the Tories plotted to repeal legislation specifically voted for by the people of Britain. The Liberals and the Tories, had no confidence in their ability to go to the British people, with the IDA intact and run against us on that. They could have just as easily as they repealed the IDA, voted no confidence and force an election

They were so scared of the democratic will, they avoided entirely the call to election and opted to directly usurp the clearly popularly mandated willl of the Government elected to represent Britain at large.

Instead, by procedural coup, they intended to intimidate the Labour party to abandon the IDA what we ran on, abandon what we stood for election on. The Liberals and the Tories stabbed straight for the heart of Democracy, the understanding, the trust that a government elected to serve the people will deliver what they promised the people. Through that undemocratic action they intended to intimidate Labour into also betraying that trust.


But Labour, unlike the Tories and unlike the Liberals, believe and trust in the British populace. So at realization in the Liberal and Tory abandonment of the most basic principles of Democracy, we moved to have an election called. To let the British people have their voice heard on a change of course against what they voted for.


Understand what is at stake in this election, it is the very fabric of British democracy. If the people Britain can not expect the government that's elected to represent them to deliver on the policies that they promised and ran on, the Democracy from which millions fought for dies, replaced by a rule of elites, lying for votes and acting in elite interests.

Remember this, even if you do not agree with Labour policy in it's entirely, even if you disagree with it significant, that we're the only party that you can expect to stand up for democratic accountability. To the Tories nore the Liberals, there is nothing sacred to their promises to the electorate.

You should vote Labour, therefore, if for no other reason to send the message to the Tories, Liberals and even Labour it's self, that policy promises to the British people are sacred and their fulfillment the keystone to Democracy and oppositions should seek to refer directly to the electorate rather than undermine election mandates outside of the accountability to the entire British people in a general election
 
Midlands Tour
Birmingham


"If I could get you to think for a moment, about those things that matter most to you, what would they be? Would it be the right to speak your own mind? To work towards wealth and success? To hold employment? Each and every one of these principles has been - much to my dismay - rejected by a political party that was once respected, at least partially, for its commitment to people of many stripes.

"The devastation brought on by the party I speak of hasn't gone unnoticed in Birmingham, I'm sure. I believe you have all seen how the Prime Minister has forsaken your livelihoods in the name of his democracy. Now, members of the Cabinet may speak all day and night about how the Conservative Party is going to sacrifice workers to business, but the fact is that Labour has already done so by allowing business interests to leave our country and send us into spiralling unemployment.

"And while, for now, we may be happy, we might, that the Act responsible for our present situation has been repealed, the work we must do is not over yet. We're going to bring employment back to Birmingham, we are, and we'll make this whole country a shining example of how to recover from economic disaster. I'll tell you right now, that a Conservative Britain is a Britain of lower taxes, less unemployment, and the ability to stand as the proud country we know that we are.

"Now, I know some of you have never voted Tory, I do, but there's a first time for everything, and I tell you, we're going to do a great deal more for workers than the Prime Minister and his inner party ever will."
 
George Morin was interviewed by a local paper in the area of Dagenham.

Journalist: Thank you for taking a break in your campaign and accepting this interview, George Morin!

Morin: You are welcome, to accept these kind of interviews is a way of reaching out to fellow constituents.

Journalist: At first when you decided to candidate to be Member of Parliament for Dagenham, you seemed to do it more as a challenge to Jarlath Connor rather than representing the constituency in Parliament. Do you think the internal conflicts for the Communists in Britain would affect your eventual parliamentary presence?

Morin: First of all, the motivation for the candidature was always for the constituents of Dagenham and the people of Britain, to let them have a candidate that can stand for their cause in Parliament, fight for the matters that are important everyday, such as increased wages and a more efficient democracy and also continue the struggle with the national and international Labour Movement. These motivations are tied together, and that my strong convictions for a Socialist Britain will be an advantage for my parliamentary presence.

Journalist: Since the decision of Mr. Connor to not seek re-election for his position as MP, you are the sole Communist candidate of this constituency. Do you think you will be able to rally voters for this deeply fractured party around your positions?

Morin: While there may be large differences on our stances on the Soviet Union and foreign policy, Mr. Connor and myself have more in common than we have differences. No other candidate in Dagenham stands for the belief of a fully Socialist Britain and that is a point which everyone that supported the CPBG in the past agrees on, how fractured the party may be. At the end of the day, the important matter for the constituency is to have that Member of Parliament with strong convictions, and as mentioned above it is my belief that I can be that MP.

Journalist: In a dramatic vote in Parliament, the Industrial Democracy Act, key measure of the Monaghan government, was repealed by an alliance of Conservatives, Liberal and rebellious Labourites, but defended by an united block of Communists and Labour. What are your thoughts on this repeal and do you aim to restore this act?

Morin: It was no surprise that the Liberal Party and certain Labour dissidents decided to vote together with the Tories, given their record of support for Conservative capitalist policies. Concerning the IDA, I find the repeal to be good proof of the Conservative Party wanting to subvert British democracy and restrict rights of workers. Currently the party seems to be taking the whole Britain into hostage with internal party-bickering and launching votes against one faction or voting against another. While some would question the leadership, I rather take this to be a confirmation of the failure of their policy, that convinces no one but themselves and the few rich monopolists that want to keep their wealth and thus influences many Britons due to these oligarchs controlling our industry.

The repeal of the act does however not mean that my struggle for socialist nationalisations ends. The IDA was a compromise with capitalism reflecting Labour beliefs, but the aim of the Labour Movement is not a such temporary compromise, but rather lasting nationalisation and that is what I will fight for.

Journalist: In some polls the Liberals have been suggested as the second party, above Labour in the polls. What do you think of this?

Morin: As mentioned previously, I'm not surprised by how the Liberals have voted in the latest Parliament. In fact, it is more surprising to see that the Liberal Party still claims to have any independence from the Tories, as their own voting records prove otherwise. The party, together with these Labour dissidents has consistently supported the Conservatives on every key legislation, except for some safe Labour legislation to score "progressive" points. I don't think this facade to a reactionary aim appeals to the voters of Dagenham or those of the rest of this country, that want to see change rather than capitalism, imperialism or status quo.

Journalist: Thank you once again, George Morin, Independent Communist candidate in Dagenham.
 
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Belfast, Northern Ireland
Ulster Unionist Rally


"Fellow Northern Irishmen, Fellow Britons,

At this juncture of the electoral campaign, out of respect for our adversaries who are trying by all means possible to grab some attention, I will indulge their critics and dignify them with an answer.

The Independent candidate for Mid-Ulster, who when he is not in Westminster has for hobby the fomentation of riots and the occasional brick through the windows, is trying to vilify the good and fair folk supporting our Ulster Unionist Party.

While claiming it is time to for all the inhabitants of this fair province to unite, Mr. Callahan plunges into the politics of division by claiming the Ulster Unionist Party is a Protestant party exclusively for the Protestants. This accusation hardly sticks, because all Northern Irishmen know that the Ulster Unionist Party is working on the behalf of everyone, no matter what their creed is.

With our Conservative allies in Westminster, we have put an end to economic discrimination against Catholics by the enactment of the Northern Ireland Economic Diversification Act, the first act by which the allotment of monies to the Government of Northern Ireland for economic purpose was conditional on the abolishment of discriminatory measures.

Again, with our Conservative and Liberal allies in Parliament, we adopted the Police Reform Act of 1969, a much needed reform of our policing method. The centerpiece measure in this act is the obligation for police forces all over Britain, including the Royal Ulster Constabulary, to recruit actively as to reflect the composition of the population they serve. It means, more Catholics policemen. This bill will enable great strides in ensuring that our police forces should never be the armed arm of a community against another.

Moreover, Mr. Callahan might have difficulty reconciling his accusations with our deeds in Parliament. He will have a hard time explaining why, the Party of Protestants and moneyed gentry bucked the Conservative Whip Line to vote in favour of the Lord's Reform. The net result was the adoption of the reform, which will guarantee some catholic representation in the House of Lords.

On the local front, Mr. Callahan has also been quite mum about the electoral reform adopted by Terrence O'Neill and the Ulster Unionist Party, granting "one man one vote". I will suppose that he is in favour but he keeps shut because it was not a measure proposed by him. Voting down good initiative because of who is fathering them is a common sickness in the Labour circles after all.

Mr. Callahan went on, in this fair city of Belfast, in the usual tirade against Conservatism. It appears that I am a stooge, a prop for the moneyed gentry, a supporter of the fat bourgeois pig who supposedly rule over us from the depth of their golden manors. Well, I came here today because I believe you have the right to see if I am as bad a son-of-a-bitch as he says!"

The crowd exploded in laughter.

"When all is said, the politics of Mr. Callahan are just another type of loud-mouth-mudracking radicalism that this fair city doesn't enjoy nor need. I invite Mr. Callahan to some degree of constructivism, should he be returned to Parliament, because we need every Northern Irishmen we can get to work hard for the benefits of all."
 
J.C. Kirk, at Labour Rally in Kensington

Hello, Fellow British Working Men and Women,

The Honorable MP in Kensington, Timothy Blake spoke here recently, claiming that Labour is pitting the capitalists against the working class, claiming that Labour polices that strengthen industry and improved the lives of the working class were disastrous. I'd agree as far as the Tories are concerned, a real improvement of the place of the working class is disastrous to their absentee owners. But I disagree that Labour has pit the working class against the capitalists. No, the capitalists have waged war on the productive classes, middle and working and have responded to Labour defending and representing these classes from further attacks while fighting for their advancement.

This Tory says everyone has a place in society. For the Tories, the place of the working class is to toil, the place of the middle class is to extract all they may out of their working class brothers, while the absentee owner's place is the accrue the benefits of the productive classes. Labour has no such view, for we support the productive classes, working and managing together and share the profits by active merit not absentee collection.

The idea that the absentee owner class is by and large full of those who achieved it by merit is ridiculous. It's an insult to the middle classes whom by their own work and conditions created by their working class ancestors, economic and political, rose to their position only to find a ceiling from which outside of connections they can not penetrate. Much less an insult to the Millions of toiling workers, who've never had the opportunity or money to a better life through no fault of their own.

The Tories speak of "encouraging for people to better their while they have no intention of allowing them to do so. The Tories merely look attempt to motivate the productive classes to break their solidarity and step over each other in vain merely to provide more for the absentee owner class to extract, while breaking productive class solidarity that threatens the absentee owner's position of gluttony.

Only Labour implements policy to allow the productive classes the security, the ownership and the earnings to improve their lot through work and education, the absentee owner class and their Tory puppets only seek prosper of your hard labour, physical and intellectual, for a pittance.

I repeat a call to ye fellow Brits, from Kensington and beyond, Vote Labour!
 
Heard on the trail

"
...Now I'm sure you've heard Tories make attacks on the supposedly high unemployment rate. I'd like to make very clear to all of you that these attacks are baseless and untethered to reality, just like the brain of the typical conservative. First of all, to make any such statement requires overlooking the marked gains in employment amongst the working class. We have opened dozens of new mines and factories across Britain. This is the fundamental big lie in the Tory campaign; they ignore those who have benefited from the IDA in favor of their sacred capitalist cows. If one pretends that the laborer, the farmer, the average working class Briton doesn't exist, then with a bit more of their characteristic black magic Tory statements might begin to be in the universe as the land of the sensible. But I have news for Mr. Ryley and his ilk: you, my fellow Britons, do exist, and we will make your voices heard! For too long has the plight of the poor and the working class been pushed to the side, excluded from polite society by willful ignorance. We shattered that barrier and, for the first time, gave each and every worker in this country a direct hotline to Westminster. And, surprise surprise, the Tory establishment hasn't liked what they've had to say about their capitalist, conservative stodgery...

...And now, after gleefully circumventing democracy by bringing regressive legislation to a vote after the Parliament was scheduled to be dissolved, they want to just stuff the genie back in the bottle. Forget your newfound empowerment, they say. Forget your newfound wealth. Forget your newfound say in the workplace and forget your newfound agency in your own life. Forget all that, and resume your proper place licking our boots. Are you going to stand for that?..."

"...I thank all of you for your support, and implore you: Vote Labour on Election Day! Tell your friends and family what you've heard here! Our only chance at breaking the Toryist hegemony is a massive turnout on Election Day, so it's time to take action and mobilize! Together, we can help ensure that the light we have brought to the working class shall never be extinguished!"
 
Rxw7F6R.png
 
An interview of John Epping on BBC Radio Leeds, part of his election tour of Yorkshire.

Journalist: Good evening to you all, and good evening to my guest today. Cabinet minister, Labour MP and part-time historian, John Epping, who has been very much at the centre of this government. Mister Epping, hello.

JE: Hello. And thank you for the gracious introduction.

(Journalist laughs)


Journalist: Your welcome. Now, to business. Mister Epping, over many years you have repeatedly spoken out against the Conservative Party, going to describe it as being, quote, "controlled by a self-appointed group of bohemian sycophants" and a party which has "systematically betrayed each and everyone they have received a vote from." Mister Epping, why the need for such strong words?

JE: Because its the truth. Its easy to forget, and all Conservatives would have us do, that this is the Party of appeasement and the party which single-handedly drew us in to a World War which needn't have been fought had it either honesty or backbone. Yet to compensate for its failures of the pat it continues to blindly lead Britain from catastrophe to blunder. If the Conservative Party had either courage or dignity it would have willingly disbanded after the Duke of London retired to the Lords.

Journalist: Surely, it must have some saving grace? This being the Party of, not only appeasement, but also, as you say, the Duke of London.

JE: Oh, I'm sure it does have many a saving grace if you are one of the very few millionaires who finance it. However, if you are one of the working men and women of this country there is nothing it can offer to you that it is serious about or will deliver on. And speaking of the late Duke, much of the then and, I imagine, the current Tory Party spent more energy keeping Churchill out of the premiership than they did keeping Hitler out of Poland or France. It was only Labour's absolute refusal to serve with the Halifax that Churchill was could lead us to victory.

Journalist: Yes, but coming back to the present, what do you make of the Conservative defeat of your party over the Industrial Democracy Act? It being in fact your department which managed the acts enforcement prior to its repeal.

JE: Well, its certainly not a defeat. Merely, a temporary set back, which the Labour Party shall push back against once the election is won. Industrial Democracy will become another keystone in this countries history as the most radical on the planet.

Journalist: Would you like to qualify what you mean?

JE: Well, this is the country of Magna Carta, and the one at the heart of the Reformation. Radicalism in most shapes and forms has had an effect on this country from its buildings to its governments to its language. It is one of the decisive things that separates us from the continent: our continued progressiveness of thought and ideas. Fifty years ago, England was the only democracy in Europe, since then the rest of it has followed in our footsteps. The Industrial Democracy Act will be the next chapter of our radical history, and we will not be stopped by Mister Ryley's gentlemen's club. This will be our Verdun, and we'll bleed Ryley white in this War on the Poor he started.

Journalist: Do you then agree with what many critics of the Labour Party are saying, that you have become too radical?

JE: Not too radical I should think. What radicalisation has taken place has still be tempered by openly critical thought and facts. We are not the same utopian party that my father belonged to. Our utopianism has been drowned out by post-war cynicism, which I think has started to carry over to the CPGB and fracture it, much to the annoyance of many Tories. Arthur Hornesby recently raged on the news about how offended he was that Communists no longer back the Soviet Union, perhaps the funniest thing yet broadcast on television. In a way, you can't help but feel sorry for these people and how deluded they are.

Journalist: Many say that the current government has demonstrated a poor record in foreign affairs, namely over Burma question and the Cyprus Incident. Do you dispute this claim?

JE: Yes, I do. We have merely accepted the truth that we are no longer the great power we were ten or twenty years ago. The Conservative Party can't accept this, so it continues to try and expend energy in terribly thought out foreign conflicts. If Mister Ryley had his way at the, British troops would be spending the next ten or so years digging fox-holes in the Burmese jungle. Many of them would not return from it. Now we see Conservative MPs and campaigners desperately trying to convince people that they wouldn't have gone through with this, yet still trying to attack Prime Minister for doing exactly what he should have done: keep well away from Burma.

Journalist: And Cyprus?

JE: Its a very lovely place.

Journalist: You've been?

JE: I have. Served 2 years in Cyprus during my time in National Service.


Journalist: Fascinating. Unfortunately, this is all we have time for. Today's guest has been John Epping, Labour MP and Secretary of State for Employment, Productivity and Labour. Mister Epping, thank you for joining me.
 
Liberal Party manifestos are circulated around the country and printed in newspapers...

The Liberal Party: Multiple Different Ways
Liberal_Party_logo_(pre1988).png
British Political Position: Far left, left, Centre-left, Left-centre, Centre-centre, Centre, Centre-centre, Centre-right, Right-centre, Right, Far-right
Ideology: Work-in-progress
Leader: Jo Grimond or Robert MacAlister or Princess Ethel

As one of the oldest parties in British history, the Liberal Party has changed its principles multiple times. In fact, we've decided to do away with those pesky things all together and just simply beg for votes from regionalists by speaking every language known to man including some only known to Liberals. The Liberal Party reached its second peak under David Lloyd George and Herbert Henry Asquith. Every Liberal has a portrait of the two men above their bed in order to ward off evil sprits, ghosts, principles, actual policy, and the boogeyman. The Liberal reached a third peak (we're really stretching the definition of "peak" here) when we sold what few principles we had left in order to be led by Lord Scarsdale. However, Scarsdale was simply better than us at selling his principles when he had his vehicle, the National Liberals (We're the regional ones) dissolve into the Tories. But we predict a fourth peak coming. Labour has somehow became so radical that even their Soviet handlers want them to slow down. This means that it is the perfect time for us to win a lot of votes, and this means selling a lot of principles!

Foreign & Colonial Policy: Because we don't have to deal with the realities of governance (thank God) we were the first people to push for decolonization. And today, looking on with pride at such great new nations like India, Rhodesia, Burma, and Cyprus, we can firmly say that decolonization was a horrible idea and we do not know why Labour decided to be so reckless.

Economic & Industrial Policy: We subscribe to a form of economics called Neo-Keynesian Post-Modern Radical Centrist Left-wing Right-wing Ordoliberalism. What exactly does this mean? Who knows. What we do know is that it simultaneously abolish private property and promote private ownership. The minimum wage will be both increased and stay the same. Taxes will be cut, spending will increase, and we will have a massive surplus. Britain will both have her cake and eat it too.

Social Policies: See Liberal MP Parris Marr.

Governmental Reform: The Liberal Party believes in a form of voting system called ATV (All-Terrain Voting) and PR (Populist Relations). We think that it is absolutely necessary for FPTP to be replaced as it does not accurately represent the views of the people. If a Liberal government is in power we promise that we will probably just keep FPTP because at that point it would just be bad for us.
Dear Sir or Madam,

Re: Trademark number 822393 owned by The Liberal Party (UK)

We are the owners of this trademark, full details of which are attached to this letter.

We understand that you have been infringing our trademark as follows: unwarranted use of trademark.

The use of our trademark is in such a manner that it is not been officially licensed nor falls under legal use.

This infringement is unacceptable to us and we hereby request that you immediately:
1) Cease Use of our trademark in anyform
2) Deliver up for destruction any items that use our trademark
3) Use all reasonable means to retract any products that use our trademark
4) Provide a written undertaking that you will not print or distribute items using our trademark
5) Write a public formal apology for useage of our trademark

We expect your acknowledgement of this letter and yours response to our requests by the 15th of May, 1969. Failure to respond by this date will result in us taking further legal action. The electoral commision will be informned of this malconduct.

With regards, Sarah Johnson, Liberal Party head office.
 
Heard on the trail

"...And the Tories may talk a big game on foreign affairs, but one need only look at their resounding silence to put these lies to rest. Think of it. They lambasted the government for inaction in Burma without the foresight to note that "action" would result in the deaths of thousands of British boys, not even for the ghost of a long-dead empire, but for some phantom construct of...what, exactly? Credibility? Keeping up appearances? It is easy to critique when one is not in government; it is much harder to propose alternatives. What Tory MP has stood up and said, 'Yes, we should have put boots on the ground in Burma. Yes, we should have sent thousands of our children to die for a cause halfway around the world that does not threaten our national security. Yes, I am willing to put my son's life on the line for this war'? Not one. The only reason that Tories are so gung-ho about intervention into foreign conflicts is because they know that they and their children will not be those paying the ultimate price. It will be the poor man, the working man, the middle-class man who will have to go fight, die and leave behind broken families. They know they won't have to suffer. And from there, why not? If you can distance yourself from the death and destruction, war looks like jolly good fun. This is the depravity behind the Conservative position in foreign affairs...

...Nor have I heard a convincing alternative to our policies we pursued in Cyprus. 'Oh, we should have intervened,' they say. Fine; whose side would you have taken? Perhaps you would have supported ethnonationalist putschists who wanted to overthrow the island's constitutional government against a NATO ally? Or perhaps they would have made war against another NATO ally who has long struggled with communist insurgencies and might yet fall if we are not careful. Or, better still, perhaps they would have fought them both at once! I freely admit that the crisis had no good solution, but I stand by taking the path of peace over rogue militarism that would put us in an unsavory position regardless of which side we took...

...Not only is the Conservative Party characteristically intellectually bankrupt on foreign affairs as much as anywhere else, they continue to lie about the facts. For a field in which they proclaim strength, they stand on remarkably shaky ground. I implore, vote Labour and tell your friends and family to vote Labour. Together, we can keep this party of thieves, liars and buffoons out of Westminster once more."
 
Campaign message against the capitalist trio and for a Socialist Britain

Why vote for the Liberals, when Ryley has already gotten the chance to dismantle workplace democracy?
Why support the Conservatives, when Grimond already has started pushing for the capitalists taking over the industries?
Why listen to Harwick and his fellow dissidents, when the Liberals and Conservatives are already destroying governments?

Under three different names, these represent one force and a common threat to the inhabitants of the country. Under three different nominations, they have failed and fought change in the past. Under three different labels, they support capitalism and imperialism.

Vote for true democracy in the entire country, vote for socialist nationalisation and against the subversion of British democracy with coups. Vote for a socialist alternative. Vote Independent Communist.
 
Hornesby speaks at a Conservative rally in Rochester in the County of Kent as part of his tour of Britain.

Greetings to all!

I wish to speak to you today about the radicalism that has plagued Labour and how it has done nothing for you! I have recently heard of the remarks of a Mr. John Epping on BBC Radio, who had the gall to claim that we are the most radical country in the world and have been for a long time. That radicalism is part of our national character. Now, do any of you honestly believe that? I fancy that Mr. Epping has mistaken himself for a Frenchman rather than a Brit. He has certainly gone a long way to twist British history to support Labour's own brand of radicalism that has come to infect it of late. I will tell you right now that, more than anything, we are a nation of moderation and gradual change toward what we have now. We are a nation that is still committed to its traditions, as much as Labour has attempted to tear that away from us on its quest toward radical social and economic change. Truly those who now run Labour have become delusional in order to justify their own terrible policies that have wrecked the British economy and hurt many Britons as a result or to justify their cowardly foreign policy which has seen us retreat from our interests abroad so that Britain could be radically transformed into a socialist paradise. I do not see how they could honestly believe the British people could continue to have confidence in them when they have destroyed the private sector of our economy and mangled our ability to achieve robust economic growth. Labour is too radical for Britain and we need to send a message to them that we have had enough!

How has any of this benefited you, the farmers and small business owners? Labour has been too focused on the cities to remember the men and women of the countryside, who work just as hard as those in the cities to make a living, to live a comfortable life. Yet they do not regard you as being any more important than a piece of trash lying on the side of the road. And I do bet that, if they were to turn their attention to the countryside, they would soon enough collectivize agriculture and take what you have grown for meager compensation. I do not see this as being any more far fetched than the collectivization of the private sector which they have already done, and look what effect that had! They can claim to work for the farmer, but how does the farmer benefit from the industrial growth that Labour keeps touting? Not at all, because Labour doesn't care about the farmer one bit. And Labour has done nothing to help small business owners and make it easier for them to earn a living! In fact, I bet that many of their regulations and restrictions have had a undo effect on your business, making it harder for you to make money. You probably have seen the cost of running your business skyrocket, have seen yourselves forced to let someone go when you would rather not because it has become too expensive to do business the way you have done it before. Labour has made it difficult for many honest, hard working Britons to make a living by listening to their union masters instead of the people! They have become out of touch with what the people think. I mean, they believe that we, the Conservatives, only listen to the wealthy and nobody else! That is absurd. Just as absurd as their assertion that Britain is ready and willing to accept their radicalism because we have somehow been radicals the whole time without knowing it. I will tell you right now that it is time to reject Labour's delusions, its empty rhetoric, and its total wreck of an agenda and fight for a sensible and pragmatic Britain!

If you lend your vote to the Conservative Party, we will work for you, we will listen to you. We will make sure Britain remains the country where someone who works hard can see success, rather than being punished for being successful. We will make sure that Britain remains strong, a defender of democracy at home and abroad. We will fight for a Britain that works for the well being of all, not some. The future of Britain does not lay in the radicalism socialism, idealism, and class warfare that Labour has so far touted, but in the pragmatic, moderate, and unifying message of the Conservative Party, which seeks to reverse the damage that Labour has done to Britain and return us to robust economic growth that benefits all, not some and make Britain a nation you can feel proud of again.

Vote for Moderation! Vote for Prosperity! Vote Conservative!

~ Arthur Hornesby, Conservative Candidate for Hertford
 
The following is an open letter written to many of the largest papers in the country, and put in the editorial section of said papers because the editors didn't quite know what to do with it.

Dear Members of Parliament,

The continued usage of weak willed and sycophantic journalists to publish unchallenging pieces which are dedicated to the self-propagandisation of the Party's will serves little purpose and is below contempt. The true mettle of a politician is seeking to hold an interview with a man and a paper that is honestly willing to challenge the ideals, any ideals, in which to provide indepth discoveries.

Thus, the Private Eye makes the following challenge to all whom wish to represent and lead Britons, no matter the capacity. We challenge you to face myself in the interview chair, where a truly engaging interview not only raise the prestige of the interviewee, but will also bring about a return to honest to God journalism in this nation. The Eye is willing to openly publish any interview, without censorship, if a Member bravely steps up to the pitch.

We bid you luck and a spine, because if you do not accept our challenge you are without both,

Arthur W. Burr-Hewitt, Editor of the Private Eye
 

The Liberal Party: Our Time Is Now

Liberal_Party_logo_%28pre1988%29.png


British Political Position: Centre-left --> Centre-Right
Ideology: New Liberalism.
Leader: Jo Grimond


We are a party of history: a history of working for the british people. Today, we stand looking back at our past victories: the establishment of state pensions, carrying our nation through the first world war and establishing female suffrage. Helping our nation survive the depression in the national unity government and Serving with Churchill in the Second World War. Since the war, we have remained a fixture of british political life: with our local MPs serving the local people. We believe in a different britain, one not owned by anyone but its local people. We are bound by neither union nor corporations, only our voters.

Foreign and Colonial Policy:

We encourage an inclusive foreign policy that works against the forces of anti-democracy in all their forms. Having pioneered progressive-colonisation, we continue to push for it today. We will neither pawn-off our former colonies into the hands of extremists on both sides: only fair democracies will do. No-longer will we kowtow to the Soviet union, not the USA: we must lead our own foreign policy. We must forge a close tie with Europe, and closer ties with our Commonwealth.

Economic and Industrial Policy:

We support a form of economics called Ordoliberalism, and in effect it means this: that work should pay. The IDA has ruined our economy by forcing property into the hands of those who do not even want it, and spending a countless amount pounds on it. This is not the laissez-faire capitalism of some however. We will not let foreign companies, like Ford, who pay for too little for the same work continue to do so. We give international corporations too much leniency: they should pay for the work that they employees produce. With Liberals in Westminster, we will ensure that happens.

Social Policies:

We support the progressive ideals of our era and seek to make the UK a nation of modernity, while not sacrificing our culture or identity. There are some changes that must be made to ensure that we create a cohesive secioty, and not fall into the traps that America now finds itself stuck in. We wish not to destory or dilute the institutions of this nation, however to reform them for a modern era. We all face change, it is best we take it in our own manner rather than have it forced upon us later by a radical minority.

Governmental Reform:

We have won many victories in this regard: Local government reform, House of Lords reform and the modernisation of our nation's other political institutions are key to making britain a thriving modern nation. There is one step left, one more step to complete our program of reform to make this nation work properly: House of Commons reform. We will not cease from this fight, nor shall our pens sleep in our hands: 'till we have built a better Commons, in britain's green and pleasant lands.