The war began with bad news, as the enemy armies conquered the Luccania in lighthning attack. However, the Roman army retaliated with a even faster attack and Luscinus, commanding the 3rd Legion, used 6 cohorts to clean the Luccania from enemy armies, in a campaign where the lack of fighthing spirit by the Greek forces were the main characteristic. From this initial battles some odd messages than Luscinius received from Cornelius Rufinus have survived. The first one read:
"For Mars's sake, Luscinus, hurry, as this wicked dog swears that if you are not in the Sinus Tarentius in two days that he's going to invent a new game called baseball. He says he's in charge of the base and you of the second element, if you understand me... ".
The next one:
"Luscinus, this dog is gone nuts. He thinks that he's the new Alexander! "
Luscinus, unable to understand, just answered:
A talking dog? By Juve! What's next? Talking heads?!"
To which he was answered thus:
"A talking dog... to talk... if he just talked... he's worse than that"
The last reply from Luscinus has not been decoded yet. It just said:
D'oh!"
No one feigned surprise when, at Rome, Lucius Amelius Barbula was choosen as the new consul. However, no one, not even the Spanish Inquisition, expected what came next. Barbula suffered an odd transformation as he assumed the command of the troops at the Luccania. By that moment, the three legions placed there were not advancing, unable to overcome the hard resistance of the enemy. Then, Barbula took command of the strongest and more veteran force available, the 2nd Legion, and used the two remaining legions, under Publius Cornelius Rufinus and Fabius Luscinus to cover his flanks and as a kind of 'mobile' reserve.
The night before the main advance begun, some odd cries were heard from the cubiculum where Barbula slept:
-
For Venus' sake, please, don't bite my genitalia!
On the next morning, 18,000 perplexed Roman legionnaires, saw Barbula addressing to them with a big furry dog by his side. However, it wasn't Barbula who gave the speech, but the dog, who, dressed as a primipilus, looked at the Roman general with a bemused expression before beginning to talk, to many's surprise. Not, of course, because a dog was talking, but because his words almost make sense. At least, more than the ones from the previous commander.
Primus, during the address
"Romans! Legionnaires! Sons of the Blessed City in the world!
Perhaps you don't know me yet, but perhaps you've seen me in some AARs like...
(a whisper is heard among the ranks) "What the fog?"
(Peti, covering his face, visible dissapointed)... I told Kurty that he should do more advertising...
(a whisper is heard among the ranks) "What the frog?"
(Peti, jumping as he had being possesed by a jumping devil) ...but I know who I am -it goes without saying...- and I know what I want! And I want it now! And I want it all!
(Freddy Mercury and all the Queen band) "Hey, you fat dog! That base belongs to us!"
(Peti, pointing at them) "I want those crucified right now, all but the one with big teeth. I want that one send to the engineers. He'll be great opening siege trenches with those teeth.. (turning to Barbula) I'm not fat! Just a big... well, I've a strong body, I've not?"
(Barbula, sweatign under Primus Nieblus's gaze, as it could not be no dog but him): "not at all, not at all!!!!".
(Primus, with a doggy smile on his furry face) "You're wise indeed, my dear Barbie". (Turning to the Roman soldiers) "Sons of Rome! Sons of your mothers! What I want! Are you asking yourself what I want?!?!?!"
(la legionnaire voice) "Not really, but if you insist..."
(Primus, rising his huge nose to the sky) I want to give such a beating to those pesky Greeks that have dared to say that his moussaka is better than our pizza! What are you, Roman soldiers or pussy cats?!?!?!"
(All the legions at the same time) "Pussy cats!"
(Primus, covering his dissapointment with a fart) "Take it easy... even teaching Kurty to write took a bit of time..."
Even after this small event, the legions began his march that very day. No enemy resistance was found, so they reached Ager Bruttius quite unmolested. Primus send them a letter to show them the way things were going to be:
"Dear Agerobruttians, heartofironians all
I'm Primus Nieblii, from the Nieblii clan, the ball eaters, as the Trojans called us. In short, surrender or I'll fart in your faces! I've spoken, you choose.".
As the was no answer, Primus Nieblii ordered to begin the siege.
In that very moment, in the city under seige.
-Hi! May I speak with Mr. Pyrrhus, king of Epirus? Oh, good... glad to know to speak with you, Mr Pyrrhus... what? It isn't Mr Pyrrhus... oh, I see. ok. Mr King... I'm calling you from the Ager Bruttius... no, no... Ager Bruttius, we have nothing to do with Brittnius Spearius... no way... you see, Mr King... well, we have the Romans outside our city, asking us to surrender... We were wondering if you could spare some of your elephants and...