Chapter I: Napoleon de Gaul's Decree
"Sire, has it worked?" a servant asks the Imperator as he opens his eyes.
"Well, I don't appear to be dead. Or I'm otherwise some weird zombie thing." the Imperator, Napoleon de Gaul, retorted bluntly.
"Perhaps it didn't take? I'd imagine your eminence would feel SOMETHING different had it worked."
"What I'm feeling is annoyed at all these questions. SOMEONE FETCH ME SOME OF MY MEDICAL WINE! I got a headache listening to this guy jabbering my ears off!"
After the imperator pounded down an entire bottle of the FINEST Gaullic medical wine, and then another.... and another... he was feeling a lot more... generous.
"Hhey, y-ya know what? I feel FUCKING GREAT! Just... woooooooooo!" the imperator stumbled around, spinning around with his arms outstretched.
"But, like, and listen to me, just WHAT happened?"
"Well, sir-" the same servant was interrupted immediately.
"Oh, fuck off with that 'sire' and 'your eminence' crap. Just call me.... Napoleon... or de Gaul... or you know what, I like you. I'm gonna call you Frank, and you can call me whatever, ok Frank?" Napoleon slurred, slinging an arm around Frank's shoulders and bringing him close, all buddy buddy like.
"Alright, your em- I mean, uh, Napoleon-" Frank uncomfortably replied, before getting cut off again.
"THAT'S MR. NAPOLEON TO YOU, FRANK! YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, I SWEAR TO ORTHODOX JESUS!" Napoleon exploded, waving an angry finger at Frank.
Napoleon de Gaul, Imperator of Gaul, wasn't known for being the most normal of folks. A genius, to be sure, but definitely a bit... eccentric. One would have to be to blindly drink alchemical mixtures in an attempt at immortality.
"So, Frank, now that... now that I'm a myth among men, whaddya say you do your job and *hic* write down my new decrees?"
"*sigh* Yes, sir Nap-" Frank stops after getting a death glare from Napoleon.
"Er, MISTER Napoleon."
"Okay Frank, so... we've been, absolutely turtled up for like, what, a decade?"
"Try nearly a millennium, give or take a century or two."
"Ah, same difference! Anyways, Frankie, why don't you tell me about who's still around. Are the Visgoths still living next door? Maybe it's the immortality speaking, but I feel like we can bury the hatchet with them. I mean, those romans were kinda pricks."
"...You are aware that WE are, in fact, romans, yes?"
"And you just proved my point, Franksy!"
"*deep sigh* No, they haven't been around for centuries."
"Oh, what about those other goths, the Ostrogoths? They were kinda chill at the one party."
"Again, no."
"What about the Saxons? I feel like they wouldn't just up and move away without letting us know!"
"Well, yes and no. They are still around, but they're not what you think they are now."
"What, are they something cooler, like a chimera or something?"
"...I feel it would be faster if we just looked at a map, Mr. Napoleon."
"To the big map room, then!" Napoleon then drunkenly stumbled out of the room, bumping into a decorative suit of armor, and ordered its execution for getting in his way. Come dawn tomorrow, that suit shall be hung by the neck until dead.
"So, Mist-" Frank gestured to the map, before being cut off by his liege again.
"Please, my father was a Mister. Call me Napoleon."
"...Of course." Frank then mumbled under his breath
"I pray that potion he drank was the dead opposite of an immortality potion."
"What was that?"
"I was just saying that all the nations on the map are still around. What is your decree, Napoleon?"
"FIRST, I DECREE THAT OUR DECADE-SLASH-MILENNIA OF ISOLATION IS OVER! And as our first outside alliance, it shall be...." Napoleon circled his hand around the map aimlessly before plopping his finger down on one country after another.
"THIS ONE HERE, AND THIS ONE, AND THIS GUY, AND ESPECIALLY THIS ONE! First is, uh, Mun-moon-mann... This guy!"
"Ah, Munster of the Emerald Isle. Of course, it shall be done."
An envoy later was sent to Munster, inviting MacCarthy to visit Gaul to formalize the alliance.
Simultaneously, another envoy invited the Karamanid Bey to the Gaullic capital.
Another envoy was sent to the republican leader of Florence, again inviting them to meet with the Imperator of Gaul.
And lastly, the Berger duke Julich-Berg was invited to formalize the alliance with a meeting of the rulers.
"Of course, the envoys will be sent post-haste. Shall I alert you when your guests arrive?"
"Eh, I'm a busy guy, just wait until they're all here, THEN tell me. I only want to say this deal for them once, I hate repeating myself."
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last bit, could you say that one more time?"
"Ah, yes, I said I hate repeating myself."
"Very good, Napoleon. I shall let you know when they arrive. Now, it may be best to get some rest, the leaders of these backwater nations will take some time to arrive here, with their primitive technology and all."
"Of course, thank you, Frank. You may go now."
Some time passed, and after a few weeks, the invited leaders of Napoleon's selected countries arrived in the capital.
"Welcome, welcome. Have a seat anywhere" Napoleon greeted his guests, before gesturing to what amounted to a coffee table with some lounge chairs parked around it. With a shrug, the four sat down, with Napoleon sitting last after jostling some papers together.
"Now, I bet you're wondering why I've called you here, after a long history of brutally killing anyone who dared walk into our lands even by accident, be they man, woman, or sheep. Well, have I got the deal for YOU!" Napoleon handed out the papers to his guests, while their attendants rapidly translated for their respective liege.
"Have you a neighbor you just hate? Or someone you fear knocking down your door and pillaging your land, ravaging your spice cabinets, and stealing your wives? Or need someone to back you up because you got too many badboy points on your sin card? Well, you're in luck! Gaul is an absolutely advanced, all powerful nation, who has taken careful consideration of the current political, religious, and economical climate, and chosen to back you four in any and all endeavors you embark upon! All you need to do is just ask, and we shall roll up, ready to gun down any fools you deem in your way! And we ask for... NOTHING in return. It's a blank check for your ambitions! There's nothing that can stop you with us at your backs! So, what do you say? Partners?" Napoleon asked, putting his hand in the center of the coffee table, waiting to see who agreed with his deal. Unsurprisingly, his hand quickly found the Irish, Turkish, Italian, and German leaders hands on top of it, before they broke on the rally cry of "screw those other guys!"
It did not take long for Napoleon's offer to be taken up by his newfound "allies."
In February of 1447, a mere 3 years after the meeting of the minds that started such a partnership, Julich-Berg decided he wanted a more direct connection to Gaul, a measure of added stability, of course.
Gaul, being lightyears ahead of everyone regarding technology, their rifles made quick work of the Trierian army, with the only two casualties being attributed to a short stint of food poisoning, with the two victims recovering shortly thereafter.
The walls of Trier, while good at defending from their neighbors, had no recourse when faced with the Gaullic army.
While it was not necessary at all, Gaul was going to be getting SOME reparations for their work in the form of a tribute taken from the defeated and vanquished's treasury.
With the treaty of Versailles (1447), Trier was removed from the map, and allowed Berg a direct connection to Gaul for ease of future communications.
Not a year later, Florence as well decided to cash in part of that blank check they were written. With Gaul's strength behind them, the result of this war was a forgone conclusion.
Again, Gaul suffered minor casualties post battle, all attributed to one man tripping on a bullet riddled corpse of the felled Italians, and accidentally knocking over 4 more men in front of him, resulting in a few broken bones.
Again, Gaul received tribute for their efforts in Ferrara, while Modena now experiences freedom from their oppressor's yolk.
Lucca, however, was integrated into the Florentine republic as a part of the Treaty of Versailles (1448).
Not missing a beat, the Bergers called on Gaul for aid in their war against several of their neighbors. Upon hearing of said call, Napoleon wrote back
"You shall definitely have the requested assistance!", with said letter being delivered by the exact soldiers the Bergers were asking for help from.
Of course, the Berger army would have no chance at defeating such a numerous foe, were it not for the brave Gaullic army, ready to bravely shoot at them like fish in a barrel from a safe distance!
Shoot bravely and valiantly, you beautiful bastards!
Alas, some men were injured by exploding powder kegs or tripping on branches in the woods. But compared to their enemy, it's the preferable fate of the two.
While awaiting the Berger peace, Napoleon was asking his advisors/servants about goings on in the world, as part of his attempt at learning about just what's going on, who's still around, and who kicked the bucket.
"Well, Napoleon, it seems that our neighbor to the north, across the channel, is getting a bit cocky, and now it's biting them in the rear."
"What, the Picts?"
"No, sire, the English."
"The what?"
"English. Anglo-saxons."
"Look, I know they're a bit haughty, but calling themselves Angel-Saxons is a bit blasphemous, don't you think? I would have thought these more religious folk wouldn't be so keen to annoy their deity so brazenly, but who am I to judge?"
"No, just... Look, the island dwellers to our north, which will be the subject of our next geography lesson, are infighting, and the highlanders seem to be winning, against the odds."
"Oh, well why didn't you just say so? Serves them right for being so full of themselves, stupid angels."
Somehow, against the odds, Scotland and a few Irish minors are absolutely thrashing England.
Despite having not been the main target of their anger, Gelre ceded land to Berg in the treaty of Versailles (1449), and paid tribute to Gaul.
Shortly thereafter, Napoleon oversaw the surrender of Cologne and the transfer of Westphalia to Berg in the treaty of Versailles (1450.)
Still not missing a beat, Florence requested help in their war against Siena, Bologna, and Venice, which was met with a rapid deployment of soldiers to the Italian peninsula.
Our men march on Venice, with the Florentine soldiers following, wishing to see Gaullic tactics in person.
It appears that the Doge of Venice also wished to see Gaul's soldiers in action, and led his men into battle himself.
Unfortunately, the Florentine army found itself confused by the Gaullic technology, and ended up shooting a fair number of each other before our soldiers could get them away from the spare rifles. It's like babies and Legos. Sure, they mix together, but you'll be lucky to even have just one of those things at the end of the day.
Thankfully, despite the somewhat slow nature of breaching and sieging Venice itself, a peace was agreed upon, and Florence grew further in the treaty of Versailles (1453.)
Seeing their European contemporaries growing thanks to their deal with Gaul, Munster called in a favor regarding their neighbor, which was happily met by Gaul's finest.
The conflict was brief, and resulted in Munster growing by 200% in the treaty of Versailles (1455.) But after that, there was a small window of peace amongst Gaul's "allied" nations.
During which, there was news about a new, hip trend popping up in Italia.
"Frank, have you heard the news from Italia?"
"What news, exactly?"
"Apparently, there's this new trend going on, and it's sweeping the nations over there. Apparently some guys got some hot ideas about a number of things, and they're now making some pretty neat art."
"Oh, you mean the Renaissance."
"The what?"
"They're reviving 'lost' techniques and 'undiscovered' ideas from back when Rome ruled the continent. You know, things that we were doing ever since Rome decided to just explode."
"Oh. Well, maybe we had a hand in them learning about it?"
"Well, it's possible. You DID open the borders, after all."
"I'm going to say it was all us, we deserve the credit."
"Yes, indeed we do."
The Renaissance is "invented", 1456.
Being bored from that cultural crap, Munster again calls for aid against their northern enemies, which quickly was dealt with and resulted in their growth in the treaty of Versailles (1458).
Florence, ever the ambitious one, has again decided to take on their neighbors, including a distant neighbor in the form of Aragon. Well, this won't take long, I'm sure of it.
Outnumbered nearly two to one, our soldiers have absolute and total faith in their training, as well as faith that their enemy will just be charging at them in a straight line.
Of course, when the Gauls show up for battle, it appears to be on every monarch, doge, and tribal leader's bucket list to see how these roman soldiers fight.
Alas, it was not a complete wipe, but these men will have little respite in the coming days.
After the utter destruction of the Aragonite army, Gaul was given 453 ducats in recompense for the 50 men that were injured in the fighting.
And with the rest of the alliance sieged down, Florence spreads her grasp further along the shaft of the Italian peninsula, expanding greatly as a result of the treaty of Versailles (1459).
After taking a short period to rest and recover, Florence was in it again, going for another expansion play against Naples this time. But Naples has a fair amount of the Italian states as allies, as if that will make a difference for our elite soldiers.
However, Napoleon, having celebrated his 59th birthday, came to the realization that he will, soon, be looking too young to be in his 60s. There's only so long he can claim that smoking opium and drinking Gaullic wine keeps him looking so young and spry.
"Frank, we have a problem."
"What is it?"
"I'm too young."
"Should I break your knees to make you feel older, then?"
"No! I mean, I'm too young looking to be 60, people will find out I'm immortal soon! What should I do?"
"Have you considered abdicating and retiring to an island in the Mediterranean?"
"No, that's too obvious. Plus, who would be my heir? I've never shown anyone my family tree before."
"Plus one needs to have an heir in order to introduce said heir."
"Dammit, that's true! ...WAIT A MINUTE!" Napoleon exclaimed as a metaphorical match lit above his head as he had an idea.
"No one knows my family, or lack thereof, yes?"
"Correct."
"So, if I were to die, the only one who could possibly be listed as the claimant to the throne is whomever I state as my heir, yes?"
"Theoretically, yes? But considering your unfortunate case of immortality, I don't see how-"
"Frank, I know what we're going to do today."
With the state of the world having been changed forever with the pseudo-awakening of Gaul, several nations have been making their moves. But are those moves proper? Or are they squandering the potential they were given in the form of a juggernaut of an ally? Only history (or readers) will be able to tell.
And of course, what is Napoleon de Gaul planning, exactly? What is his grand plan he just came up with? And will Frank ever get his birth name back? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON... THIS!
(Hope you've enjoyed, I'm trying a new format that's a bit more narrative/character driven, but not entirely so. I DO like pictures, after all, and screenshots really do say a thousand words. And now that it's been 20 years, I will ask if there's any nation whose alliance we should drop and change out. If so, who's getting dropped, and any suggestions for a replacement? Let me know and I'll consider any and all suggestions!)
