Prologue: Nothing to see here
Prologue - Nothing to see here
Welcome! You've made your way here, enjoyed the short stop at my torture chamber – wonderful place, isn't it – and now you are here. In the future centre of civilization! Oh, don't be overwhelmed. No need to be, actually. As for now...
Strassburg isn't exactly the City of the World's Desire. But just you wait! Give us a few centuries, and we'll be there.
Well, not as the capital of an empire, of course. We'll leave that in the hands of beloved Charlemagne's descendants. They are certainly perfectly suited for that. Can't imagine a reason why they wouldn't be. But every ruler is only as good as the advice whispered into his ears, isn't he? And this advice – it will come from us, from House Etichonen!
Speaking of which – I haven't introduced myself. I am Count Eberhard, from this proud dynasty. Even though I'm not it's head... we'll get to that later. Describing myself in two words? Well, obviously I am a 'genius visionary'! After all, I've already built countless things, including the torture chamber! It's a magnificent place, full of happy memories.
… don't listen to the slanderers who call me that.
(I'm a wrathful sadist, they say! Though they can't help but admire my architectural knowledge, at least.)
To achieve my goal, I will need to make good use of my resources. Gain strength within Lotharingia, build a strong base, then I can think further. Or at least my successors can. Because right now, the best way to strengthen the house would be for me... to die.
You see, my neighbour Liutfried of Sundgau is my heir. He'll probably have to continue my work. If he hasn't made a dumb mistake before! A 'treacherous absolver' – more slander, I'm sure!
...
...
...
… actually, there's a lot of work ahead. I'll talk to him, I'm sure he'll listen to my wonderful plan, perfectly suited to make us the foremost dynasty of the world.
And this here is my beloved liege.
… okay, 'beloved' is not the right word. It may be better if we stay out of each other's way. But he's a Karling and thus the rightful ruler! And as, for whatever obscure reason, everybody seems to hate me, we'll have to employ whatever measures necessary to keep him on his throne.
I can stretch people (though they don't like it), but not compress them. With my new spymaster, I've thought about it. Sometimes. Well, instead of compression I could always cut off her feet and part of her legs.
She wouldn't like it though. (And perhaps not survive, too.) Angering my spymaster – one of the few people who don't hate me, to boot – may not be a wise decision, though. Even if Liutfried would inherit my titles, I do like living. Most people do. She's competent enough, so I can live with her being taller than me.
She and Alois are literally the only ones with a positive opinion of me. Guess that being a 'treacherous villain' means you have a bad reputation.
I heard whispers that Lothaire's wife Teutberga is barren – is that true?
Considering that you hear it from me, my liege, I have no reason to doubt that...
Oh right. Anything else I need to know from court?
I haven't even returned snooping yet.
Silly me. If you think too much of the future, it starts being now. Don't you agree?
If you say so, my lord.
Either way. It would be safer for us if Lothaire had more children - one never knows how quickly the four of them can disappear! So find contacts in his court, and get rid of Teutberga for me.
Wha... the queen? I don't think you'll find many people willing to aid you, my liege.
Why not? She's just some stubborn pig. Doesn't even like her husband. Bet it's mutual, considering she's barren.
Don't you have no children too, my lord?
Different matter entirely! I never married!
Suddenly, putting her on the stretcher becomes an appealing prospect after all.
Forgive me, Your Grace!
Very well.After all, I need her.
Well, it doesn't look like I can do much for Lothaire right now. Save for maybe getting rid of one pest for him, though it will take time. Then again, loathe as I am to admit it, Kriemhild had a point.
Not hers, of course. I had no children for 52 years, I won't start getting any now! Not when my brilliant plan would be endangered by it! No, Liutfried will inherit my lands. Still, there are benefits to having a wife. Politically and... *ahem* domestically.
Well, I had my chancellor prepare a list of possible brides. And there are some great prospects available!
I mean, just look at Adriana! An enrapturing beauty, and a personality comparable to mine! An excellent match!
… if I was at least thirty years younger. And without my plan. Sweet Adriana, I am sorry. As an official reason, you are just some lowborn Vlach Orthodox, so our marriage will never take place. Also, it is rumoured she's a lesbian....
I could also go for a complementary personality. Judith would be perfect for that. Virtuous, smart... A perfect wife for any noble!
If she wasn't lowborn, that is. Oh, and I can't imagine coping with all that nagging when I go torture someone again. We'd hardly stand each other.
Well, if good matches aren't a good idea, then how about Elaiodora? Few people can listen to her lisping, she's incompetent, and she's a 'callous antagonist'!
Add to that that she's both a Greek Orthodox and lowborn, and she's not exactly wife material. Perhaps she could scare away petitioning peasants though...
Then again, I think I'll make another choice. Euphrosyne. Another lowborn Greek Orthodox, but what can I say? I like the exotic, and there aren't as many noblewomen available as I'd like. More importantly, she's sociable, knows her place, and is barren.
No chance for my plan to go wrong if I can't have any children.
And so, now that all is ready to go, it is time to put it into action. Centuries from now, people will talk about Count Eberhard, the man whose incredible vision made possible what they see today!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So... with the release of CK III and my plans to take my Gothic beast-hunters to Stellaris on the shelf for now, I had an itch to write another AAR. The tone of it will be more light-hearted this time, as we'll see how Eberhard's plan is put into motion. As he said, my goal is to do whatever I can to always keep a Karling liege (I know - for many, that's evil in itself, so it's good that Eberhard's a treacherous villain), and be on his council whenever possible. He may become nothing but a powerless puppet, or he can cross my plans – who knows?
Either way, not having much knowledge of CK III at first will definitely help in making things more interesting at the start, though that may be counter-balanced a bit by being a CK II veteran. Besides, there are likely bugs which will perhaps interfere with the plans. So far, I haven't even unpaused yet.
What I can say with certainty is that I'm happy to have picked Eberhard (well-placed in the centre of Karling Europe) instead of an Irishman. For nostalgia's sake, I started CK III with the ua Cheinnselaig dynasty. And thanks to Tanistry, it turned into just the same glorious mess as my first CK II game, barely holding together the kingdom of Ireland. This time, I may not have gotten a Swedish idiot as king, but I have learned to avoid Tanistry like the plague for now. Hopefully the Etichonen are going to have some colourful characters in the course of this story. (For the Karlings, that's par of the course, so I have complete faith that they do not disappoint.)
While the intro is screenshot-heavy, the number in the actual chapters will likely be reduced in the future. Though I'll take it slow at first - for one so that Eberhard won't simply vanish having done nothing (which he'll likely do compared to his successors – at least I hope!), secondly to get used to CK III's way of things.
Like any other authAAR, comments are very much appreciated! Nothing better than some feedback to know if you are on the right path or should make some tweaks, write some boring stuff or have caused at least a small chuckle. Keeps an authAAr going too, so comment away on any AAR you follow!
Welcome! You've made your way here, enjoyed the short stop at my torture chamber – wonderful place, isn't it – and now you are here. In the future centre of civilization! Oh, don't be overwhelmed. No need to be, actually. As for now...
Strassburg isn't exactly the City of the World's Desire. But just you wait! Give us a few centuries, and we'll be there.
Well, not as the capital of an empire, of course. We'll leave that in the hands of beloved Charlemagne's descendants. They are certainly perfectly suited for that. Can't imagine a reason why they wouldn't be. But every ruler is only as good as the advice whispered into his ears, isn't he? And this advice – it will come from us, from House Etichonen!
Speaking of which – I haven't introduced myself. I am Count Eberhard, from this proud dynasty. Even though I'm not it's head... we'll get to that later. Describing myself in two words? Well, obviously I am a 'genius visionary'! After all, I've already built countless things, including the torture chamber! It's a magnificent place, full of happy memories.
… don't listen to the slanderers who call me that.
(I'm a wrathful sadist, they say! Though they can't help but admire my architectural knowledge, at least.)
To achieve my goal, I will need to make good use of my resources. Gain strength within Lotharingia, build a strong base, then I can think further. Or at least my successors can. Because right now, the best way to strengthen the house would be for me... to die.
You see, my neighbour Liutfried of Sundgau is my heir. He'll probably have to continue my work. If he hasn't made a dumb mistake before! A 'treacherous absolver' – more slander, I'm sure!
...
...
...
… actually, there's a lot of work ahead. I'll talk to him, I'm sure he'll listen to my wonderful plan, perfectly suited to make us the foremost dynasty of the world.
And this here is my beloved liege.
… okay, 'beloved' is not the right word. It may be better if we stay out of each other's way. But he's a Karling and thus the rightful ruler! And as, for whatever obscure reason, everybody seems to hate me, we'll have to employ whatever measures necessary to keep him on his throne.
Kriemhild!
Yes, my liege?
Can you just... drop to a knee, first? Proper etiquette, my girl.
Yes, my liege?
Can you just... drop to a knee, first? Proper etiquette, my girl.
I can stretch people (though they don't like it), but not compress them. With my new spymaster, I've thought about it. Sometimes. Well, instead of compression I could always cut off her feet and part of her legs.
She wouldn't like it though. (And perhaps not survive, too.) Angering my spymaster – one of the few people who don't hate me, to boot – may not be a wise decision, though. Even if Liutfried would inherit my titles, I do like living. Most people do. She's competent enough, so I can live with her being taller than me.
She and Alois are literally the only ones with a positive opinion of me. Guess that being a 'treacherous villain' means you have a bad reputation.
I heard whispers that Lothaire's wife Teutberga is barren – is that true?
Considering that you hear it from me, my liege, I have no reason to doubt that...
Oh right. Anything else I need to know from court?
I haven't even returned snooping yet.
Silly me. If you think too much of the future, it starts being now. Don't you agree?
If you say so, my lord.
Either way. It would be safer for us if Lothaire had more children - one never knows how quickly the four of them can disappear! So find contacts in his court, and get rid of Teutberga for me.
Wha... the queen? I don't think you'll find many people willing to aid you, my liege.
Why not? She's just some stubborn pig. Doesn't even like her husband. Bet it's mutual, considering she's barren.
Don't you have no children too, my lord?
Different matter entirely! I never married!
Suddenly, putting her on the stretcher becomes an appealing prospect after all.
Forgive me, Your Grace!
Very well.
So, what's the problem?
My lord, well, how to put it... people can't understand your brilliance. Nobody wants to work with you. And besides... some are terrified of the queen.
Terrified? Ha! They should fear me!
They do, my lord. Just less than her.
Hm. Someone else then. Count Meginhard. He's with Liutfried in his silly little independence faction. Without him, Liutfried won't do anything dumb. Hopefully.”
As you wish, my liege.”
If he's a righteous antagonist, then it's surely also righteous to make him disappear, isn't it?
My lord, well, how to put it... people can't understand your brilliance. Nobody wants to work with you. And besides... some are terrified of the queen.
Terrified? Ha! They should fear me!
They do, my lord. Just less than her.
Hm. Someone else then. Count Meginhard. He's with Liutfried in his silly little independence faction. Without him, Liutfried won't do anything dumb. Hopefully.”
As you wish, my liege.”
If he's a righteous antagonist, then it's surely also righteous to make him disappear, isn't it?
Well, it doesn't look like I can do much for Lothaire right now. Save for maybe getting rid of one pest for him, though it will take time. Then again, loathe as I am to admit it, Kriemhild had a point.
Not hers, of course. I had no children for 52 years, I won't start getting any now! Not when my brilliant plan would be endangered by it! No, Liutfried will inherit my lands. Still, there are benefits to having a wife. Politically and... *ahem* domestically.
Well, I had my chancellor prepare a list of possible brides. And there are some great prospects available!
I mean, just look at Adriana! An enrapturing beauty, and a personality comparable to mine! An excellent match!
… if I was at least thirty years younger. And without my plan. Sweet Adriana, I am sorry. As an official reason, you are just some lowborn Vlach Orthodox, so our marriage will never take place. Also, it is rumoured she's a lesbian....
I could also go for a complementary personality. Judith would be perfect for that. Virtuous, smart... A perfect wife for any noble!
If she wasn't lowborn, that is. Oh, and I can't imagine coping with all that nagging when I go torture someone again. We'd hardly stand each other.
Well, if good matches aren't a good idea, then how about Elaiodora? Few people can listen to her lisping, she's incompetent, and she's a 'callous antagonist'!
Add to that that she's both a Greek Orthodox and lowborn, and she's not exactly wife material. Perhaps she could scare away petitioning peasants though...
Then again, I think I'll make another choice. Euphrosyne. Another lowborn Greek Orthodox, but what can I say? I like the exotic, and there aren't as many noblewomen available as I'd like. More importantly, she's sociable, knows her place, and is barren.
No chance for my plan to go wrong if I can't have any children.
And so, now that all is ready to go, it is time to put it into action. Centuries from now, people will talk about Count Eberhard, the man whose incredible vision made possible what they see today!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So... with the release of CK III and my plans to take my Gothic beast-hunters to Stellaris on the shelf for now, I had an itch to write another AAR. The tone of it will be more light-hearted this time, as we'll see how Eberhard's plan is put into motion. As he said, my goal is to do whatever I can to always keep a Karling liege (I know - for many, that's evil in itself, so it's good that Eberhard's a treacherous villain), and be on his council whenever possible. He may become nothing but a powerless puppet, or he can cross my plans – who knows?
Either way, not having much knowledge of CK III at first will definitely help in making things more interesting at the start, though that may be counter-balanced a bit by being a CK II veteran. Besides, there are likely bugs which will perhaps interfere with the plans. So far, I haven't even unpaused yet.
What I can say with certainty is that I'm happy to have picked Eberhard (well-placed in the centre of Karling Europe) instead of an Irishman. For nostalgia's sake, I started CK III with the ua Cheinnselaig dynasty. And thanks to Tanistry, it turned into just the same glorious mess as my first CK II game, barely holding together the kingdom of Ireland. This time, I may not have gotten a Swedish idiot as king, but I have learned to avoid Tanistry like the plague for now. Hopefully the Etichonen are going to have some colourful characters in the course of this story. (For the Karlings, that's par of the course, so I have complete faith that they do not disappoint.)
While the intro is screenshot-heavy, the number in the actual chapters will likely be reduced in the future. Though I'll take it slow at first - for one so that Eberhard won't simply vanish having done nothing (which he'll likely do compared to his successors – at least I hope!), secondly to get used to CK III's way of things.
Like any other authAAR, comments are very much appreciated! Nothing better than some feedback to know if you are on the right path or should make some tweaks, write some boring stuff or have caused at least a small chuckle. Keeps an authAAr going too, so comment away on any AAR you follow!
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