XIV
Our life changed, but not instantly. For the first year or so after Constantine's death, the empress mourned, and almost forgot our very existence. But others noticed. The Genovese began to circle around Andreas like vultures, the Venetians too had returned to the court. Andreas had changed, his dear brother was dead, the umbilical cord had been severed. He suddenly began to have ideas of his own, it was like his new position as the heir to the throne had breathed new life into him. But nothing changed between us. As a wife of the crown prince, I began to garner attention.
I knew what they talked about us, our marriage. Many diplomats wrote to their monarchs about our relationship. Gossips spread rapidly in the court. What was I to them? A small, silly, young Turkish girl. The ladies had to curtsy before me, men had to call me "Your Imperial Highness" and take a deep bow. They had no idea about me, about my person. Did I have opinions on religion, governance, philosophy, diplomacy? Instead, they talked about my barren marriage. I cannot describe how bad it felt to be so insignificant to others. It was like had been stripped and revealed to the entire world; Look, here is despoina Sophia, whose marriage with despot Andreas has failed due to her coldness and inability.
I know now, but not then, that these rumors began among empress Helene's ladies-in-waiting. The empress did nothing to control her ladies, she even encouraged them to mock me. But some individuals in the court respected me, the selected few. They treated me like a normal person. My vengeance to the others had to wait. One day sweet revenge was mine. I felt myself so tarnished that those, who were guilty, were punished when I finally had the power to do so. I have always believed in the law of cause and effect. We so often seek vengeance, but life pays life, we are avenged, if we have been victims of injustice. And we are punished, if we have caused harm to others.
I can honestly say here and now, that no human should ever be treated like I was back then. Some people forgot my position, but later came to fear me. And I knew very early on, that one day I would have power, and that some would come to regret the day they mistreated me. When Dante wrote about seven sins, why didn't he make "humiliating others" the eight deadly sin? Slaves know humiliation. Poor people know humiliation. It is known by those who are oppressed by those who call themselves "better". Who am I to give advice to Dante, but I know of many sins, that could be added to the list. Worship of false gods, cowardliness, unfairness, false madness, and lovelessness. Wisdom defeats madness, bravery defeats cowardliness, justice defeats injustice, faith defeats false gods and hope defeats envy. But who can win a struggle against humiliation? Humiliating others is the worst thing I know of.
We were historical figures, even then, the future emperor and empress of Rome. I received a lot of letters, from whom, I knew not. I didn't dare to open them, it was too dangerous. One day all unopened letters disappeared. I knew they were opened and more accusations were coming. Cruelty, cruelty from the highest place. I knew it would only end when empress Helene was dead.
But there was something, that saved me, saved me from death. Books. I delved into the classics. Plato, Aristotle, Socrates, Anna Comnene, Dante Alighieri. The Alexandrian school, the Holy Bible, De Administrando Imperio, writings of Cicero, Caesar's Commentaries on the Gallic War, The Anabasis of Alexander. I became drunk with knowledge.
Books gave me hope, empress Helene did not. She still treated me badly, despite my elevated status. Was she afraid of me, of my intelligence? Did she try to mold me into an image of herself? But I had only books, not men. The empress shared her bed with her favorites, I shared my bed with books. Later I switched books for men, because I am a woman. I took from them what I wanted, sometimes a drop, sometimes an ocean. It tastes sweet.
This could be called self-love, or narcissism, but while I was in marriage, I was an incorruptible young woman, with a pure heart and a clean soul. I had isolated myself from the poisonous court, I didn't speak, therefore I was untouchable. The Empress saw in me the signs of independence, and I saw her weaknesses. After this I always looked her straight into the eyes. One should never give weapons into the arms of the humiliated. The empress wanted to be seen as an unmarried virgin queen, but she knew, that I knew her to be nothing more than a whore.
I hated her. Hated, HATED! I hated the vulgar Roman "high society". I hated the Christian faith, its affectation, the incense, the golden services. I hated the vile atmosphere of the court. Marriages were most often arranged, but fidelity did not belong into marriage. Wives and husbands switched partners as they pleased. Sometimes a lady would disappear for several months, only to return, ready to flirt again. No one spoke about the children, they were often given to the wet nurse.