Suenik Reloaded

[iain_a_wilson]

SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 25 - UNDONE! UNDONE!
(1165 - 1166)
​

With Suenik under siege on all sides, I pray like I've never prayed before to Our Father in Heaven.

I implore him to send me a general - a mighty warrior whose understanding of warfare is second to none, and whose knowledge of tactics will be suitably sufficient to overcome the enemy.

The Almighty, it seems, is not without a sense of humour.

Satenik is my 15 year old daughter, fact fans...

That being said, I try and think long term, and get for her a suitably awesome marriage which, if we survive long enough, might bear the fruits of an alliance. The kind of alliance that will protect me against marauding horselords, Turks and other assorted nasties.

Of course, it's a few years and a few hundred miles away, but that's not bad as a back up plan, right?

Right?

Guys?

Anyone?

As I'm contemplating the cost of war, and how many Toroses it's going to leave me short, my Steward appears looking somewhat sheepish.

"Bad news?" I ask.

He raises an eyebrow in a "I'm not going to be bringing you anything OTHER than bad news for the foreseeable future" kind of way.

Noooo! My good name - and all that lovely money - undone!

Still, undaunted I send my army forth to conquer and they make surprisingly good time. The emir, it seems, has chosen to attack the most heavily fortified province in the Dukedom and that money (albeit forged money) that I gave to the craftsmen to build a big castle seems to be paying off.

Meanwhile, my mighty forces score a victory!

No vampire assassins were found, it seems...

We then vanquish some raiders!

We outnumbered them almost 2:1 but a victory's a victory, right?

This is going better than I thought. Perhaps we WILL prevail after all!

Oh arse.

He's got a massive army...

My lovely castle - UNDONE!

Then, to make matters worse, one of my distant relatives decides to get in on the "let's tear Suenik a new one" action...

That's it Girgen - I'm not speaking to you at our next family dinner! And to think you've got a good Armenian name too - that's Gardman-Aghbania influence on the global scale right there!

The awesome gift of names aside, the hits keep on coming...

I retaliate in kind!

And it's then I find that I may have struck the jackpot...

Yes! I have captured the Emir's ENTIRE FAMILY!

With renewed confidence I try and negotiate his departure from the realm.

Sadly, it appears he doesn't give a rat's arse about his family and carries on laying waste to Mother Suenik.

Not to be undone, Girgin's having a great old time in Mozdok...

Could things get any worse?

Yes; yes they can. It appears that I lack even the most basic financial acumen.

Wonderful.

Anything else?

My daughter decides to try and upset the apple cart be insisting that she can do a MAN'S job better than a MAN.

I tell her to go back to sewing the Hungarian coat of arms on as many wedding garments as she can manage.

Yes, there are tears and cries of "You're ruining my life!"

How many years until I get rid of her?

Then, a stroke of luck - it appears that old Böney (or whatever the hell he's called) that is trying to take over Suenik has died (hopefully in some comedic and embarrassing way involving animals), and his host has collectively shrugged its shoulders and wandered off home.

Could this be the break I'm looking for?

Of course not.

Suenik - UNDONE!

Fucksticks...

Will things get better for Suenik? Does Toros actually have something approaching a plan? Why doesn't the Emir love his family? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!

 

[Riotkiller]

Now that's the kind of apocalyptic disaster I like to see!

I mean, oh no, disaster!

Well, at least one of the wars is over...

 

[Olenksey]

Well, at least you can ramsom the captured family.
Or kill them. ALL!

 

[stnylan]

He should have made his daughter Marshall

I mean, that would have been a more Suenik thing to have done.

 

[Murmurandus]

So is there some far flung province Toros can retreat to if things go southways?

 

[jordarkelf]

Yo Suenik I hear yo like raidin' so I sen-did some mo' raidahz to yo raidin'.

He should have made his daughter Marshall

I mean, that would have been a more Suenik thing to have done.

Unfortunately that proved impossible because Suenik hasn't invented the dress uniform yet.

 

[diskoerekto]

He should have made his daughter Marshall

I mean, that would have been a more Suenik thing to have done.

I agree to this

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Now that's the kind of apocalyptic disaster I like to see!

I mean, oh no, disaster!

Well, at least one of the wars is over...

It's almost like you're not rooting for Suenik...

Well, at least you can ramsom the captured family.
Or kill them. ALL!

Toros is actually a fairly nice guy (albeit a forger!) so it wouldn't occur him to murder them all.

Artavazd I on the other hand would have had them strapped to the altars quicker than you could say "Hail to thee, mighty Satan!"

He should have made his daughter Marshall

I mean, that would have been a more Suenik thing to have done.

I agree to this

Nah - she's COMPETENT! C'mon - I'm trying to role play a proper Suenikian ruler here!

So is there some far flung province Toros can retreat to if things go southways?

Nope. He'll probably end up with his head on a pole if this all goes wrong.

Yo Suenik I hear yo like raidin' so I sen-did some mo' raidahz to yo raidin'.

Thanks, Girgin...

Unfortunately that proved impossible because Suenik hasn't invented the dress uniform yet.

Dah-dum TISH!

 

[Bullfilter]

Offending a militarily competent and ambitious Gardman-Aghbanian woman? Even if she is Toros’ daughter? I can hear Sir Humphrey remarking “A very courageous choice, Your Grace.” He’d better watch out for vampire ninja assassins or a poisoned embroidery needle in the neck.

Coinage turning out to be debased? Business ventures gone bust? Classic Suenikian icing on the shit mudcake!

 

[Olenksey]

Like in a famous russian song, "everything goes according to plan" in Suenik.

 

[El Pip]

There are many wonderful and properly Suenik things in that chapter, but my favourite bit was from the horselords - a Mongol Khan somehow becoming known as "The Just" while still looting cities. Perfectly Suenikian.

And that is Toros' problem, he is being out-Sueniked by a horse-botherer.

 

[iain_a_wilson]

SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 26 - I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN
(1166 - 1167)
​

In a bid to make things "less bad" (I'm far too Suenikian to assume that anything "good" will ever happen) I splash some cash on the cheapest mercenaries I can find.

I almost go for the 22 Mongol guys that have somehow got lost far from home, but this is a national emergency!

I pray that Gabriel and his boys will arrive quickly (and that he will live up to his holy namesake and deliver me from evil), and order them to meet up with Bishop Malkhas' army.

Yes, in Suenik we have uses for our slightly murderous clergy that lets them act out all of their baser instincts, secure in the knowledge that they are somehow doing God's work.

It works - they are victorious!

AND they overcame a larger foe!

SUENIK THE INVICI...no...musn't get carried away...

Speaking of getting carried away, I marry off one of the many Suenikian bastards that happens to be hanging around in my court, twiddling her thumbs.

Disappointingly, Prince Igor doesn't have a hump, and doesn't shuffle around shouting "IT'S ALIVE, MASTER!" but he WILL one day be king of Croatia so that should be useful in my grand scheme of getting an entangled web of alliances together.

Assuming we survive that long.

Around about this time I pay off my mercenaries.

No I haven't gone mad.

Seriously!

What do you mean, "genetic predisposition"?

Don't panic - it's part of my cunning plan.

All will be revealed later.

If everything goes as I imagine there might be a way out of this terrible situation.

Oddly enough, "incompetence from my Steward" did NOT feature in the plan, and I'm forced to divert troops to deal with some chicken-throwing-cat-bothering-malcontents who COULD be used to free the realm from the invaders!

As I'm mulling over battle plans, news arrives from the Royal nurseries.

I ask why. After all, Roupen is my son! He'll be expected to rule over land - in fact if he doesn't have land to rule people will look down on me. I demand answers! I want to know why my son wasn't given the best education Suenik could manage!

The teacher mumbles something about "This is what happens when cousins marry" before scurrying off.

Sorry Roupen, my son - I'll take the prestige hit. You are NOT managing ANY of my holdings!

Good job my other kids aren't massive pains in the arse.

Seriously?

I'm fighting to save the realm, and I'm expected to deal with this nonsense? In fact, why am I spending time tidying up? Isn't this why I got married in the first place?

The poisonous look I get from my wife suggests that an equal amount of poison may feature in my future...

NOTE TO SELF: Check bedding for puff adders.

Domestic idiocy aside, you'll have noticed above the brave liberators in action.

Well?

Guess what?

Yeah baby! Victory!

I'll say it...

SUENIK IS INVINCIB...

...oh arse crackers.

That is not good.

My host is routed.

Their numbers are cut to half of that of the invader.

The capital is under siege again.

Is there any hope for Suenik?

...

...

Remember I paid off those mercs earlier to keep me cashflow positive (as I believe the Venetians say)?

I, Toros of Suenik, have a cunning plan...

What is Toros' cunning plan? Will have save the realm? Will he balls it all up in spectacular Suenikian manner? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Offending a militarily competent and ambitious Gardman-Aghbanian woman? Even if she is Toros’ daughter? I can hear Sir Humphrey remarking “A very courageous choice, Your Grace.” He’d better watch out for vampire ninja assassins or a poisoned embroidery needle in the neck.

Coinage turning out to be debased? Business ventures gone bust? Classic Suenikian icing on the shit mudcake!

Sir Humphrey would fit in perfectly in Suenik...

Like in a famous russian song, "everything goes according to plan" in Suenik.

Similar to the old Chinese saying about "living in interesting times".

There are many wonderful and properly Suenik things in that chapter, but my favourite bit was from the horselords - a Mongol Khan somehow becoming known as "The Just" while still looting cities. Perfectly Suenikian.

And that is Toros' problem, he is being out-Sueniked by a horse-botherer.

I bet the horse-botherer doesn't have to deal with the same level of daily calamity that Toros has to deal with.

But yeah, "the Just" is a fabulous little CK gem.

 

[stnylan]

I just note that cunning plans have been known to work (see the historical record otherwise known as Blackadder Goes Forth episode 1)

 

[diskoerekto]

I ask why. After all, Roupen is my son! He'll be expected to rule over land - in fact if he doesn't have land to rule people will look down on me. I demand answers! I want to know why my son wasn't given the best education Suenik could manage!

Hahhahahaah he is such a classical Suenikian guy

Interestingly I'm feeling the plan will (mostly) work but there will be some chickens thrown that's for sure

 

[The Kingmaker]

All I can say is, in CK2, “the best laid plans of mice and men” are seldom cunning, or even... well... plans.

 

[Riotkiller]

Lol Roupen's education level

 

[Olenksey]

So, are you planning to throw even more murderous clergyman at the enemies?
Or just teach them the history of Suenik so they understand that they should give up trying to conquer it for their own good?

 

[Murmurandus]

I can not but to imagine that the Cunning Plan will result into the Inbred Lunatic in charge of a one province Suenik with Empty Coffers soon.

 

[Bullfilter]

1. Remind me not to be around when the arse crackers go off!
2. Inbred, cow-faced imbecile for a son. At least he isn’t the heir! Oh wait, what do you mean there’s been an accident ...
3. The plan will work, with an invincible mercenary host hired to smash the invaders, the leaders of which will all be serviced with arse crackers. Shock and awe style.
4. Then, in true post-shock and awe (and Suenikian) style, the resulting peace will be butchered horribly. A series of disasters will proliferate, where the hapless leader of Suenik (probably Roupen by then, according to the Unelective Inbredkind succession system) stumbles from one crisis to another.
5. It will all end in a puff adder suppository for whoever is running the joint by then.