CHAPTER XXIV: MAINZ
Part 1: Here There Be Dragons
(1780-1785)
Apologies
First, I want to apologize that this took a little longer than normal to write. See, my wife is addicted to this Facebook game called 'Dragon City.' In it you... well, never mind. Suffice to say she tends to keep her dragon notes in the same place I keep my game notes, so things got a little confused. I think it's all straightened out though.
I think.
War in Progress
Welcome to Mainz!
Formal introductions are going to have to wait however, as we're in the middle of a war! Yes, it's one of those pointless Holy Roman Empire wars where we have absolutely nothing to gain. Who are today's contestants?
The fact my 18,000 men is over half of our team's army gives you a pretty good idea how this war is going. We immediately ask Denmark to peace out, but they'd like us to suffer a little first. We'll see about that.
Our 18K is in Thuringia where we just defeated 11K Bohemians. Almost immediately we learn that our Warriors Don't Read Books (-1 Stability). That's too bad, as I'm pretty sure there was a map in there. As it stands, we chase small armies for awhile only to end up back in Thuringia in March. There our army, reinforced to 20K, runs into 60K Danes. We rout first to Mainz, then Pfalz.
In August we defeat Aachen's army in Pfalz and chase them home to siege their capital. That's when Denmark finally lets us off the hook in exchange for an apology.
Settling In
Now then. Let's settle down and see what...
Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Check the freezer. Frying pan's under the sink. Where were we? Right.
So... our Archbishop isn't exactly impressive. We have some decent allies including Spain (when they show up), and a few CBs with our heretic neighbors. Unfortunately said neighbors have formed a mutual defense pact against us, while the Netherlands have warned us not to start trouble. We'll have to tread carefully.
We take a mission to insult Munster and complete it about five seconds later. Our next mission is to start building up our manpower. I also want to get our army back up to a decent size before we start any trouble.
Cut to February 1782, when we take Diplomacy-26 (East Indiamen). We also build four infantry and...
Do you smell something burning?
Hey! No, not the sink! Look, I have to deal with this. I'll be right back.
Psst.
Hey! What are you typing? Get away from there!
Beat it!
Sorry folks, I hope to have this under control by next post. Where were we? Ah, the war.
Through the first half of 1782 I'm actively looking for targets, but none of our neighbors are appealing. We have a truce with Wurzburg. Hesse is a vassal of Bavaria, who in turn is connected to Poland. Brunswick is part of the coalition and also has Bohemian and Austrian support. Thuringia, Burgundy and Palatinate would invoke the Dutch. Wurtemberg's still in their personal union with Poland.
I'm starting to think our target has to be Wurzburg once the truce runs out, but Spain's currently in two wars and we know how well they do when they're distracted. Hey, what's this?
Neighbor Stomping
Hey, at least it's something to do.
Burgundy is STILL dealing with a Walloonian uprising in Luxembourg. I wonder if it's the same one that I 'summoned' as Bavaria. Regardless, they're helping as well. Liege sieges the heartland, while I siege Aachen. In October 1782 we attack and decimate 1K recruits. At that point it's over except for the fat lady singing.
Still, Liege won't get what they want. In June 1783 Lorraine conquers Barrois, and as I sit pondering what Liege will want in a peace deal Aachen surrenders. I immediately pause the game to impose terms, but Liege is quicker.
Thanks, guys. No really.
Fine. In August 1783 we invest Bourgogne, the Burgundian capital. Their army dodges mine, unwilling to risk 2:3 odds against. By December they surrender, and this time I get in my terms before the AI.
You may ask why so lenient: Well, they had nothing I wanted. I didn't have the war score to vassalize them, and wasn't going to wait around for Liege to get what it wanted after weaseling me out of Aachen. I could have taken Bourgogne, but with no land border they would have never cored. No, a small indemnity is enough. Let Liege fight their own battles.
This is how I like my wars. Token resistance, but ultimately helpless. Just like my....
Yeah, close enough.
Dangers of Modernism
With the war settled, we take Administration-29. This leads to our last idea group. None look particularly appealing, but I finally take Humanism as a counter to Mainz's typical hard line religious stance. I can't afford to take any ranks in Humanism yet, but that's okay. Instead we fortify Hesse, let our army build, and eye Wurzburg. We're not badly hurt. Once Spain's finished fighting their wars I think we'll have our chat with them after all.
Humanism may not have been the smoothest choice however, as not everyone approves.
Whatever, guys. Granted I wouldn't want to fight all of you at once, or Netherlands at all, but we all have better things to do. Like stomping Wurzburg. Just don't give me any trouble and there won't be....
What's that rumbling sound?
WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?
Johan's Dice
Okay, first things first. Are we here next turn?
Years: 5
Needed to Continue: 2+
Roll: 3
Result: Yes
Okay.
While looking around I saw a few things that might interest you. First, Britain's been at war with Netherlands for about 20 years now, and it's taking a toll.
Micronesia is a Charlie Foxtrot.
As for Mainz, I think next turn we'll take on Wurzburg, then...
Guys?
GUYS?
Sigh.