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Episode LXVII: Where Eagles Tver

Lord Protector's Residence, City of Tver, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver, 1680

Mitrofan Beloselsky, Lord Protector of the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver looked up as Marta Hallie Dobczyńska entered. He smiled the smile of a man who had won three consecutive Sexiest Man In The Commonwealth awards (the award would not be instigated until the twentieth century, but had it existed in the late baroque period, there is little doubt over whom would have been the victor).

'Dobczyńska! Putting the boot into beautiful as ever.'

'My Scots ancestors are from Aberdeen, not Bute.'

'I was trying to give you a compliment.'

'And I was succeeding in being pedantic.'

'Glad that you are using your talents...very well. Show me what you've got.'

* fl-flump *

'I was thinking more in terms of “What is happening in the Commonwealth” '.

'Oh. Well, starting in Latvia, sir. The Duchess of Livland reports a bountiful harvest, and is wondering whether we would rather she increased the size of her tithes or her army levies'





'What do you think, Dobczyńska? How are the Maid a' Livonia's Warfighters?'

'Kicking in doors? Ten. Battlefield? 4. Recruiting more could be DICEy.'

'You doubt they'd go beyond the Call of Duty?'

'I think they'd Quake at the sight of a real enemy.'

'Leaving us open to a Counter Strike? Very well, tell her to put the effort into agriculture.'

'Certainly, sir. And wonderful news from the east – we have found a new ocean, possibly a passage to the Americas.'





'Do we know this new Ocean's name?'

'Doesn't have a specific one yet.'

'The Specific Ocean? I like it.

'Regardless, sir, our colonising efforts will soon secure our access to it. New trade routes, new possibilities.'

'I'm sure they'll come up with a good name strait after they get their berings.'

'In less good news, one of our ambassadors is feeling insulted.'

'Oh dear. Perhaps we'd better ease the tension.'

'Very well. Invite all leaders of neighbouring countries to a sauna party in Estland. Could you see to it, Dobczyńska?'

'Haven't we already made this joke?'

'What joke? Anyway, it's not like anyone's recording our meetings to, I don't know, read them in hunderds of years or anything.'

'Can we just get on with it, sir?'





'Now, Dobczyńska. What do you think about the medical profession?'

'They have their uses. Considered it as a career.'

'Before your teenage years of warfare and catburglary?'

'I had to specialise. Always thought I'd suit the uniform though.'

'...hold that thought. Our universities are making great advances in medicine. With proper regulation we could bring great benefits to the people of Tver. I was thinking that with proper regulation, we could stimulate population growth.'

'Quite possibly, sir. Population growth is good.'

'Perhaps we should make our own contribution.'

Unlike the people of Scotland, Dobczyńska's eyebrows would not have to wait until 2014 to make a strong bid for independence.





'You look like you have more to say, Marta.'

'Uh, yes sir. You also have greetings from Grand Duke Radziwill of Silesia.'

'Don't we own Silesia?'

'Only half of it.'





'Well blow me down. Good on them. Gallant little Silesia. Though I fear for their independence.'

'There are sharks in the water waiting for rich little fish like Upper Silesia.'

'Perhaps better to extend an invitation.'

'I think so, sir. I think so.'





The Tverian advance met little resistance as they marched thought Upper Silesia. A region already gripped by an identity crisis over whether they were German, polish, Czech, Austrian and Silesian, a group of Russians casually strolling through the province was met with a mixture of ambivalence and gratitude for the novelty.





There was a siege of sorts: the Burgomeister of Racibórz got lost on the way to his drinks cabinet looking for the welcome champagne, and the delay was taken as resistance. However, the gates were opened, and the confusion was all swiftly cleared up.





The accession of Silesia into the Commonwealth went smoothly, and with rich provinces and a well-appointed Centre of Trade, both Upper and Lower Silesia would be great assets to the commercial expansion of the Empire of Tver. Duke Jerzy (jezhy) agreed that Tver's military strength, Bill of Rights, and existing control of most of Poland meant that joining the Commonwealth made sense for all of Silesia.







Not all of Europe's princes were happy at Tver's protection of Silesia, however. Having lost the province to rebels, the Austrians were furious, and they, along with the recently dispossessed Bohemians, petitioned the Holy Roman Emperor to denounce Tverian control of central Europe. Safely on the other side of Germany from the Tverian army, the Emperor agreed, and sent a Formal Request to the Lord Protector for the release of the province (hoping, naturally, to take it for himself). His threats were meaningless, yet somehow they caused enough consternation amongst the more invertebrate of the Commonwealth's nobility that the overall stability of the state was affected.





The Lord Protector sighed.

'Fools, Dobczyńska. One day we will have to deal with Emperor. Remove that over-regulated anachronism and drag the Europeans kicking and screaming into the modern age.'

'Couldn't agree more, sir. Never did much for Poland. Other than crowing our first king, but that was a long time ago.'

'Indeed. I can't see Poles ever wanting to join large-scale European bureaucratic nonsense. Far too sensible. Who would be next. Croats?'

'In other news, sir, how attached are you to peace?'

'I like peace. Why?'

'I note that Khorasan is at war with Persia.'





'So while they're distracted, we can make a quick thrust and take Khorasan?'

'I love a nice powerful thrust.'

'We need to be decisive, Dobczyńska. Irresistable.'

'Both, sir, are my specialities. I'll make it happen.'

The declaration of war was delivered to the sultan. Furious, and terrified, he demanded that the Tverian envoy leave, without even offering a cup of tea, shouting insults and throwing fruit. To which the Tverian diplomat did turn around, undo the buckle of his trousers, and invoke his constitutional right to bare arse.





Tverian forces positioned along the border headed straight for Khorasan's heartland, stopping only in the prized province of Moghulistan. Quick assaults overran defenders as the sultan tried to scramble troops back to defend his country from this northern attack. For a country who had so recently been sending official warnings to the Commonwealth, they were woefully ill-prepared.





The Lord Protector did not wish to damage Tver's reputation, nor to attain poor provinces that would do little more than attract rebel problems. Moghulistan was his sole interest in the venture, and the province was swiftly taken under Tverian control.





'A splendid acquisition, Dobczyńska.'

'No harm to it, certainly. Reminds those easterners that we aren't to be trifled with.'

'I do like trifle.'

The Master of Mint also has a plan, sir. He says that we should implement the Gold Standard.'

'Intriguing. It would make sense with the amount of gold mines we control...less reliant on other countries' fluctuating economies, a chance to reduce inflation.'

'I'll need to compensate for that. Where's that new dress...'




Later that night, a nervous young soldier knocked on a door in the Palace. It wasn't the kind of time where one knocks on doors. The knocker knew this. And Marta Hallie Dobczyńska, an expent on knocker-related protocol, knew this too.


'Yes? What is it?'

'Captain! I there's good heavens I um have ey um verb preposition...'

'Eyes front, soldier.'

[...]

'Front and up.'



'Uh, yes boss. Yes. I have a letter for the Lord Protector.'

'He's a little tied up at the moment.'

'I think it's important, boss. The messenger is waiting for his reply.'

'He won't be saying much at present...'

'I think...'

'Not usually.'

'...maybe you should read it boss.'

'Oh very well. At this time of night? Surely it can wait until...'




'Kurka. Hadrian. Wodna.'


 
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See what happens when you forsake the Rurikovich line? Now Austria comes. Not that I think they will win but...
 
Just when I thought it couldn't, this AAR has gone to new heights. The suspiciously Dutch Silesian Duke, that poor sweat-drenched soldier, and the marching army that wouldn't look out of place in an old Total War game. I suppose my only disappointment was that the Friggin Poor Soldiers weren't doomed to lose half their lives.
 
The world is a mess! Excellent.

You share a relatively short border, it seems. Or rather, you would if the Emperor couldn't just march through the HRE willy-nilly. Who is Austria bringing with them?
 
There was a siege of sorts: the Burgomeister of Racibórz got lost on the way to his drinks cabinet looking for the welcome champagne, and the delay was taken as resistance. However, the gates were opened, and the confusion was all swiftly cleared up.
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Haha, fantastic, followed you from the first page and you never stop entertaining me with these updates.
 
Jack118 said:
Blood has been spilled! At last!
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It was bound to happen eventually. I was hoping it would be on my terms, though...

Gen. Marshall said:
Great update - Extverllent punning.

I wonder, though, how the Burgomeister of Racibórz took 19 days to find a bottle of wine :p
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Thank 'ee sir. And it's a wine province witha Centre of Trade, the cellars must be massive! And the choice of wine must not be rushed! (the Dobczyńskis believe that wine preparation takes as long as it requires water to pass through the digestive system, but they're unusual in this regard)

BogMod said:
See what happens when you forsake the Rurikovich line? Now Austria comes. Not that I think they will win but...
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Heh. I loved them, I really did. The Ruriks will be forever remembered, but...well, it's done now, it can't be undone. besides, I've never played as a Rep. Dict. before, which was half my reason for wanting to try one out.

loki100 said:
another great update ... and with more than our usual ration of bad puns and Scottish independence jokes ....
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I try and keep at leasta minimum level. And you may have guessed that I'm very much a Yes man on the independence issue, but I try not to let it affect my writing too much :D

The Arch Mede said:
I was sure that constitutional right was to arm bears. Its a sort of pre-requisite for gorilla warfare.
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I think it varies on a province-by-province basis? Some of them don't have bears to arm.

SirkTheMonkey said:
Just when I thought it couldn't, this AAR has gone to new heights. The suspiciously Dutch Silesian Duke, that poor sweat-drenched soldier, and the marching army that wouldn't look out of place in an old Total War game. I suppose my only disappointment was that the Friggin Poor Soldiers weren't doomed to lose half their lives.
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As ever, too kind :) Yes, he is rather orange. Half-Dutch, perhaps? And indeed, there's not much I can do to represent a large army other than copying a single soldier in an interesting pose :D

And I was trying to fit Half Life in, but couldn't think of a good line (it would have been even worse than usual). But if I get a chance in the future...well, I'm a Free man...

Omen said:
The world is a mess! Excellent.

You share a relatively short border, it seems. Or rather, you would if the Emperor couldn't just march through the HRE willy-nilly. Who is Austria bringing with them?
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One short in Hungary border, but much more extensive ones eastwards. Most of the Middle East, Georgia, ex-Byzantine Empire etc, just to the south of my Black Sea and ex-Tartar holdings, is Austrian!

And Austria's backup is listed in the update. It's not as horrendous as that Bohemian list back in Konstantin IV's reign...but Austria themselves are far, far more powerful than Bohemia ever were.

adamclason said:
Haha, fantastic, followed you from the first page and you never stop entertaining me with these updates.
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I remember your post as one of the first, and am forever indebted to you: without the early responders like yourself this AAR wouldn't still be going :)
 
Episode LXVIII: Operation Tverbarossa

Lord Protector's Residence, City of Tver, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver, 1686

The rising power of the Empire of Tver – now the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver – had been viewed with consternation by the powers of western Europe. The Tverian Empire brought with its insatiable advance not only military power, but new ideologies feared by the conservatives amongst the central European powers. The Russians were coming, and bringing with them not only the heretical Orthodox faith that had caused the first great schism of the Christian church, but equally disturbing ideas about common freedoms, Bills of Rights and elected leadership.

As the borders of Tver crept through Poland towards Germany, it was widely viewed amongst those in Europe's seats of power that enough was enough. In the early 1680s, a conclave was formed, consisting of the Archduchy of Austria, the Papacy and several of their closest allies. Two key meetings secured their potent alliance, the first taking place in an Austrian alpine town, the other far from prying eastern eyes in a city on the Andalucian coastline. As a result, on the 13th of November in the year of our lord sixteen eighty-six, the signatories to the League of Trölling-LaPlaya declared war on the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver.





Leaders of Tver had known, since the first victory over the feared Bohemians in the 1620s, that Austria would likely be the toughest opponent they would ever face. Shorn of the crown of the Holy Roman Empire, though, an attack from the Austrians had been discounted as a possibility.

Besides, why would an Austrian ever want to march Germanic forces into Polish and Russian territory?

Tver, and especially her leaders, had been caught in a state of undress, and not only metaphorically. When informed of the news, Lord Protector Mitrofan Beloselsky had been speechless, though this was mostly due to...anyway, suffice to say it was all a nasty shock.

Somehow, though, the Archduke had increased the size of his armies to the levels enjoyed when his ancestors had worn the Imperial Crown. The forces of Tver were outnumbered two to one by an opponent whose technology was at least equal to theirs.

Having gathered his wits, not to mention his clothings, the Lord Protector summoned his War Council, which was easy since the most important member, the Captain of the Guard, had just helped extricate him from another kind of predicament.

'Right, Dobczyńska. What do we know?'

'That we are outnumbered, likely outflanked, and quite possibly outgunned as well.'






The most obvious route for the main Austrian attack was through the Tverian region of Ersekuyvar, recently wrested from Bohemian control. Armies moving from the Austrian heartland into Tverian Poland and Silesia would have to pass through this disputed border region.

The decision was taken to evacuate the minor townships of Ersekuyvar and to scorch the surrounding land outwith the walls of the main cities. If the Austrians were to make a push into this disputed border region, they would be left, like a kilted highlander who having consumed too many Jerusalem artichokes decides to rebalance his noble gases towards an open fire, in possession of a scorched Erse.





This was, of course, a natural state for the soldiers of Tver: the national motto, More quality, less morons wasa creed adhered to since the medieval period, and many a time had a smaller Tverian force overcome a much larger foe. Besides, this is the natural state for Russians in general. What sort of conflict would it be where Russian forces outnumbered those of their western opponents?





The two empires, though, shared a number of borders, and further east there were gaping holes in the Commonwealth's defences. These weaknesses were ruthlessly exploited by Austrian armies advancing into Ukraine , Crimea and Moldova. While Karl III von Pfalz-Neumarkt's forces would have some way to go to lay siege to Tver herself, Kyiv, third city of the Commonwealth, was soon in Austrian hands.





Mitrofan Beloselsky was a concerned man.

'Their advances are terrifying.'

'Much like your sister's.'

'I understand the need for patience, Dobczyńska, but the Archduke of Ukraine is begging for relief for his cities.'

Dobczyńska shook her head. 'Impossible, sir. The Austrians are far too well-equipped in Ukraine. Any attack on them would end up outflanked and outnumbered. I'm planning a counter-attack, but njot through Ukraine.'

'Where, then?'

'Ersekuyvar, sir. The Austrians are flooding towards the Black Sea.'

'Meaning...'

'Less in Ersekuyvar...' Dobczyńska grinned a feline grin

'...or in Austria.'

Beloselsky paused. Then his face too split into a smile. 'You're evil, Dobczyńska.'

'And you wouldn't have me any other way.'

'For all their bold advances, they've left their rearguard vulnerable.'

'Again, much like actually that doesn't make any sense.'

With most of Austria's forces through Ersekuyvar into Ukraine, it was time for the Tverian counter-attack. Where the Archduke's forces had, metaphorically, landed a flurry of painful blows on Tver's arms and torso with a large shovel, Dobczyńska was riposting with a stiletto heel. To the eyes.




General Belevsky's troops engaged the Austrian rearguard under General Seyssel. Equipped for the grind of siege warfare, Seyssel's forces were unprepared for the large-scale Tverian advance, and were scattered to the four winds.





The war at large was going badly for Commonwealth, with Austria's numerical advantage making Tverian generals unwilling to engage the multi-pronged assault. The western armies were closing in, rampaging unchecked through the Commonwealth's south-western territories. The Tverian navy had also been completely destroyed, hounded out of port and annihilated by Austrian galleons.





'The time has come for action, Dobczyńska.'

'Again? We just...'

'Of a military nature.'

'Oh. Yes, I'm about to leave for Vienna.'

'I know. I'm coming with you.'

'Are you sure that's wise?'

'No. But we're short of competant generals, Marta. Morale is low, the Austrians rampage through our lands. I need – Tver needs – a symbolic victory, not just a tactical one. I need to take Vienna myself while Archduke Karl flees for the mountains.'

'If you're sure, sir. The battle for Vienna could change the course of this war.'

'And that's why you need to be there, Marta – and why I need to see it.'

The defenders of Vienna, under General Arenberg, were overwhelmed by the Tverian assault. Who would have thought that, in the 1680s, a battle for Vienna between western and eastern forces would be decided by the efforts of a Polish general?








There was no time to lose: the defences were rushed, the city's walls yielded to Tverian cannonfire like Scotland's football team before a developing nation. The capital of Austria was in the hands of the Commonwealth.





As the Lord protector knew very well, once Marta Hallie Dobczyńska was in the mood, she was insatiable. With Vienna taken, and the Archduke fled to join his forces to the south, Dobczyńska orchestrated further rapid seizures of Austria's core provinces in an attempt to land further psychological blows against the treacherous aggressor. Steiermark, Linz, Graz and Pressburg fell swiftly to Tverian assaults and artillery. While the Austrians' grip on southern Tver tightened every day, so too did the Commonweatlh's control of the Archduke's heartland.





The war was in the balance: despite the humiliation of losing his capital and home provinces, the Archduke refused to accept peace while his forces marched unopposed towards the eastern lands of the Commonwealth. Tverian armies were stationed in Siberia and the borders with Syria, Manchu and Khorasan, but they were unwilling to abandon their garrison duty to confront the far larger Austrian forces – to do so would be a waste of manpower and resources, an unthinkable idea for any Russian general. It would also have invited opportunist border raids from these potentially dangerous enemies.





Archduke Karl III rallied his forces to the south of Austria's core territories, and launched a final, desperate attempt to break the Tverian stranglehold. In Slavonia, he engaged the smaller army of one of Dobczyńska's most trusted lieutenants, General Belevsky. If beaten again by Tver's armies, he would surely have to accept peace.





The tide of the war had turned. Tver's territorial losses were far more extensive, but Austrian forces were moving east, not north-east towards the capital, while Austria itself was almost completely under the control of Dobczyńska's troops.





The Archduke's counterattack was for nothing. He charged his cavalry into the teeth of Belevsky's guns, suffering heavy casualties, while the Tverian infantry held firm against the Austrian advance. Their flanking force destroyed, the Archduke was forced to abandon his position, and make another humiliating retreat towards the Alps.




The war had reached a stalemate. Tverian control of Austria was absolute, but massed Austrian forced had advanced further and further into the Commonwealth's Asian holdings.






'You know that he won't accept defeat, Mitrofan. Not while he has two hundred thousand men in our territory.'

'I know, Marta. I know. And I'm beyond the point of caring.'

'Kurka. We own all their home territories. We've won! We own their capital...'

He sighed and waved his hand. 'Ultimately, this means nothing to me.'

'Nothing?'

'This means nothing to me.'

'O-oh, Vienna.'

'Karl von Pfalz-bloody-Neumarkt is a spoilt brat who cares more for his reputation and image than his nation's wellbeing. I will never let that be said of me.'

'You would concede defeat when we control most of Austria?'

'I am tired of this war. Tver is tired of the war. Let them claim a victory, my pride can take it. Their eastern provinces are ripe for revolt. If he won't accept a white peace, then I will formally concede defeat to free the Commonwealth from a war that we cannot win. Give us time to rebuild and regroup. Besides, they didn't take Cherson, which was their excuse for the war in the first place.'

'The nobles won't like it.'

'The nobles don't like funding the war either. I'm not doing this to be popular, Marta. I'm doing this for the good of the Commonwealth.'

Thus it was that the Austrian Reconquest of Cherson ended in a concession of defeat by the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver. A pyrrhic victory for the Austrians, who had made none of the anticipated territorial gains and whose very capital had fallen while her forces ploughed through Eurasia, but still a defeat for Lord Protector Beloselsky. And while he had had little choice in the matter, and his concession had saved vast numbers of lives and amounts of resources, his enemies spread discontent amongst the influential men and women of Tver.



The crisis had been averted, but Beloselsky was vulnerable, confidence in the Commonwealth's government shaken by this 'defeat' to an ambush from a nation with over twice as many soldiers. Enemies outwith and within sharpened their knives, and the world's largest empire stood on a precipice, unsteady. Stability would have to be restored, as would Tver's prestige and confidence, or it could be the end for Mitrofan Beloselsky.

'We're behind you, Mitrofan.'

'Bestv place to stab someone in the back.'

'Mitrofan!'

'Not you, kochanie. Sometimes you're the only person in the world that I can trust. And that is enough. We will recover. I will recover. We will increase the size of our armies, expand our territories, and before they can betray us again, we will crush the arrogant von Pfalz-Neumarkts like the squirming insects they are.'

'That day will come, Mitrofan. But even before then, Tver is yours. And this so-called defeat is merely a step towards her greatest victory...'

 
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You have a big advantage in cavalry over the Austrians. If they ever learn that the proper role for horses is pulling big guns around, rather than destroying the tactics of their infantry, you are in big trouble.
 
Fyregecko said:
The defenders of Vienna, under General Arenberg, were overwhelmed by the Tverian assault. Who would have thought that, in the 1680s, a battle for Vienna between western and eastern forces would be decided by the efforts of a Polish general?
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Haha, a good one!

Hope that you'll next time have more armies to defeat those Imperialist invaders of Western Europe. Conquering Vienna was a nice idea.
 
I think you might need to hold both your European borders a bit better next time. I don't think there's much hope for holding the Caucasus against the Austrian hordes but scorching all the lands down there might wear them down enough to allow a solid counter-attack. It's nice to see the player lose one in a while though, especially to such a well-named enemy league.
 
Man, a brutal slog. Good job on holding your land though. You need to create some more allies, like from that big swath of Austrian Baltic and Turkey lands.
 
Not many people get a second wind when dealing with marta


Austria never had a better chance against Tver.
It blew it.

Is it my imagination or did Austria's co-declares just sit the war out?

Mitrofan and Marta's son will be the next Emperor.
 
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