Chapter Twenty Three - Sacrebleu Blob
With war against Chile and Argentina now at an end Sokoto's South American based troops are now free to take on a most cunning and perfidious foe, the colour stealing, font blocking Bolivia. The diplomats are sent forth.
They return a few days later green faced and retching. This sickness caused by the horribly garish uniforms their Bolivian counterparts were wearing when the decleration of war was delivered. Said Bolivian uniform a shockingly disgusting pink, green, red and yellow ensemble. The diplomats can barely believe that anyone would even consider wearing so gaudy and ridiculous looking an outfit.
Thankfully Bolivian soldiers are far better dressed, wearing highly fashionable pink uniforms similar in look to those worn by Sokot troops. Thus whilst Sokoto's forces blunder around Bolivia firing at anyone in a pink uniform, usually fellow Sokot troops, the government is given some bad news.
Mocambique has been fully colonised, the former state now a mere colony. Doubtless the people of Mocambique are disgusted with this change in status which brings with it lower taxes, lessened bureaucracy and so forth. Reluctantly the government gives the order for Zambia to be colonised, unhappy at ordering more citizens to suffer colonial life and the hardships, such as lower taxes, which said life brings.
The government is given some rather more welcome news a month later as research into 'Nationalism and Imperialism' comes to an end.
The government is satisfied that the public now firmly support the concept of nationalism and imperialism. Nationalism promoting a love of Sokoto and all she entails, especially her brilliantly gifted government. Imperialism providing justification for constant warfare and expansion, namely the need to seek ever larger font sizes. Unsurprisingly Sokoto's public supports both of these concepts due to their great pride and love for their nation. Scurrilous rumours that said support for nationalism and imperialism was instead achieved due to intimidation and bribery on the government's part, clearly shocking lies.
Research is next begun into 'Army Decision Making' at the request of the army. The army is keen to teach both officers and troops the right decisions to take during a battle. Decisions such as it is always the best course of action to make a mindless charge at a well defended enemy held position rather than attempt to flank said position. High casaulties are always more important than victory.
Following the completion of research into 'Nationalism and Imperialism' the government make two changes.
Firstly, permission is granted to some of Sokoto's academics to begin excavating The Valley of Kings. The government hope that the academics will make discoveries which bring prestige to Sokoto. Eygptian complaints that this excavation is little more than the organised looting of their historic artifacts could not be further from the truth. Admittedly some of these discoveries may end up in the homes of various cabinet members, or may even be sold to increase the Conservatie party's 'Bribery Fund', but this is entirely acceptable and far from mere looting.
Secondly, Sokoto's academics are ordered to focus on military and industrial matters to a far greater extent. As Sokoto already leads the world in cultural matters, her poems and fashion quite without compare, and she has an invincible navy, nearly half of all Sokot built ships now surviving their first journey, and she already dominates the field of commerce, her economy's strong support of the rich above all else proving a fair system which greatly encourages financial growth, the government feel such focus on military and industrial matters a wise decision.
This change in academic focus soon bears fruit, Sokoto's academics making a number of discoveries a few days later.
Expansionism is discovered following Sokoto's continued rapid expansion via wholly peaceful methods. National Fraternity is discovered after the many people conquered by Sokoto join together in hating the incompetently led nation which conquered them. With many skilled, young men from both the middle class and poor gaining positions of power for the first time, Meritocracy versus Aristocracy is discovered, the rich appalled at the ridiculous promotion of peasants into positions which were once exclusively held by rich gentry. The government merely hope that this last discovery will begin swinging the balance back in favour of the aristocracy.
More good news follows this technological success a few weeks later.
Finally cartographers the world over can rest easy. The devious colour stealing, font blocking Bolivians have finally been defeated. The world is now a much safer, gloriously pink, the right kind of pink, place.
The government is left outraged a few days later as they are informed that France is claiming all of the credit for a naval victory in which Sokoto's navy also participated.
Such claims are clearly ridiculous, Sokoto's mighty navy brought about this victory. Her transport clippers desperate attempts to flee the battle undoubtedly instrumental in this success.
This run of good news is finally brought to a halt by the return of Sokoto's well tanned, remarkably cheerful looking geographers a month later.
Despite being disappointed at not having found the source of the Nile, the geographers are happy to report that the source is definetly nowhere in the Caribbean. Instead they have a suspicion the source could be located somewhere in Hawaii, thus they request further funding which is happily given. Several brave government ministers selflessly volunteer to join the expedition to Hawaii also.
The government is given a baffling report mere months later.
Whilst the bulk of the geographers set sail for Hawaii alongside numerous members of cabinet, a sole geographer quickly became quite lost in his attempts to reach Hawaii, somehow ending up in Central Africa where he stumbled accross a large lake. Quickly determing this as the actual source of the Nile, a fact which confused him considerably, it seeming impossible that the source of the Nile would actually be somewhere within Africa, he found a native and, speaking to said native loudly and slowly whilst pointing towards the lake, asked him what the lake is called. Recording the native's response, the souce of the Nile is now known as 'Just Some Lake Wait Is That A CrocodilAAAAAAARGH'.
In a startling and highly worriying development a month later, the government is forced to pass further voting reform so as to promote support of jingoism.
The government remains disgusted at having to finally enfranchise the common rabble fully. This move will likely lead to the downfall of the nation, or far worse the downfall of the Conservative party, mere peasants quite unsuited to deciding who governs the nation. The uneducated oiks more than likely to now make ridiculous demands such as a wish for fair elections, an end to bribery, corruption and cronyism, less warfare, fairer taxes and the like.
A few months later and the government is given some good news, along with some horrifyingly bad.
The good news is that war with Spain has finally come to an end, Sokoto expanding her holdings considerably as a result of the peace deal. The horrifyingly bad news is that the cartographers have failed to make use of these newly acquired Spanish holdings to increase Sokoto's font in the region to an acceptable size.
Far less important than matters of font size, Sokoto now has a direct land border with a true world power, France. However the government is not unduly worried by this as France is currently busy occupying Spanish held Morocco. Doubtless France will be glad to neighbour a fellow unjustified warmonger. A fellow justified liberator that is.
That Sokoto is kindly allowing France to station troops in her newly acquired territory in the Philippines, happy for said French troops to suffer attrition whilst there, is likely to only strengthen the ties between both nations.
[I had the warscore to end this war with Spain many months before but I was putting off peace until my troops in Japan had returned. I need every last brigade in position for the coming war against France.]
Having occupied Cairo and the surrounding Giza region, Prussia have finally realised the slight problem in their plan to annex Egypt.
They have no access to Egyptian held Kaf. The government is none too keen to grant Prussia military access either. For if Prussia was to conquer Egypt, and thus become a neighbour of Sokoto, there is a good chance she may consider the peace loving Sokoto an infamous, warmongering nation, for some reason, and seek to contain Sokoto.
Not wishing to offend Prussia with a blunt refusal, the government arranges for Sokoto's diplomats to engage in some hunting with their Prussian counterparts.
That Prussia's diplomats are left riddled by bullets by a number of surprisingly small 'elephants' armed with rifles, said elephants looking suspiciously like men dressed in suits, is then a much regretted coincidence.
With Prussia's diplomats all wounded, and there now little chance of them conquering Egypt, the government turn their attention to other matters. The diplomats are sent forth.
They return several weeks later looking utterly terrified. Said fear caused by their accepting a kind offer from their French counterparts to enjoy some female company after delivering the decleration of war. The diplomats left shaken when introduced to Madame Guillotine.
Despite Sokoto being at war with a true Great Power for the first time the government are surprisingly relaxed about the situation. France's standing army of nearly ninety brigades is dwarfed by the two hundred and thirty brigades Sokoto has in the field. This war should prove easy.
Ah.
This could prove difficult.