Brittany: The triumphant (?) return
Daniel knew the moment he awoke that he wasn't going to like his new form. He wasn't disappointed. (Well, technically, he wasn't disappointed in his disappointment. He was still actually very disappointed.)
"Are we going to continue the puerile jokes for much longer?"
Only as long as they're funny, JACKASS! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!
Daniel was indeed a donkey. It was better than being a pile of feces, but not by as much as Daniel had hoped. "So when are we going to meet Britney? I've always wanted to meet Ms. Spears!"
Chaos was stunned.
Okay, I knew you were dumb, but you have to be joking. We're in Brittany, not in Britney. (Although we'd be about the only ones who haven't! HIYO!) Bretagne if you speak frog. Of course, now, all you speak is JACKASS! HO HO HO HEE HEE HEE!
Daniel almost wished he was getting electrocuted again. "Right, sorry. Anyway, what horrible torture -- apart from your awful humor -- are you inflicting on me this time, since we're not an OPM?"
You have to devote your entire research to trade.
"That's... surprisingly nice. As is this mission. What's your angle?"
Your face!
"But that doesn't... never mind."
Daniel finished in 6 months, and was now directed by Chaos to send merchants to Novgorod, which he did.
In the meantime Trollemia got stronger and stronger.
"Why can't we go to Bohemia, Chaos? Seems like a more exciting place than this dump. We've been here for over two years and nothing has happened."
Got a craving for German sausage?
"Well, Czech sausage, technically, unless of course you're talking about Prague... oh. I see. Another joke at my expense."
You got it, dummy!
"Why do I even bother?"
Anywho, we have to live by the RNG. It's partially what keeps this whole adventure, you know, chaotic!
"Right. So, we're done with the merchants now. What next?"
"Finally, a war! It's about time something happened."
Danny boy, are you... actually reveling in the chaos that only war can bring?
"You're damn right I am! It's murderin' time!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel the donkey was perplexed. Where was Chaos? For that matter, where was the King of Brittany? Last he remembered, he'd ordered the King to send merchants to Novgorod, and now, all of a sudden, they were at war with Orleans? What the devil was going on? Purely by chance, he caught sight of a donkey a few hundred yards away acting very strangely. He galloped (do donkeys gallop? Whatever a fast donkey move is) towards the unusual donkey. He brayed a greeting.
"Good day, fellow donkey. Might you know where Chaos is?"
Huh? Oh. It's you. Hey, listen, thanks for the laughs and all, but I like this donkey way better. So go munch some hay or something.
"That sounds delightful... WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE! You knew the other donkey wasn't me?"
Yeah, sure. This one is absolutely nuts; he's the one who declared war on Orleans. He even looks better than you!
"Won't you lose the bet if you abandon me?"
Chaos swore.
Yeah, you're probably right. Sorry, Danny. I have to go hang out with this loser.
"The other donkey's name is also Daniel? That's a strange coincidence."
Yeah, how about that. Let's get a move on, lame ass.
Daniel sighed at another bad pun. "So when did you realize it wasn't me?"
You were still around for the sausage joke, right?
"Unfortunately."
Good. That was one of my best, I'd hate for you to have missed it. Anyway, I got mixed up after war was declared.
"I find that hard to believe."
Fine, you caught me. I wanted to ditch you. Didn't think of the bet at the time. That's how irritating you are; I'd rather lose this bet, sometimes, than stick around your boring old corpse. And I HATE losing bets.
"What do we do now?"
Let's find the King. We'll get attached to the baggage train for the army and we can control things that way.
"That sounds reasonable."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the end of 1583, Daniel the donkey had encountered his first battle in a long time that didn't go horribly right away.
King Jean seemed positively shocked. "General, what is it called when somebody runs away after the battle, but it isn't us?"
"Victory, sir."
"Vic-tor-y. That's got a nice ring to it. Oh, how is Jean?"
"Which one?"
"My son."
"I repeat my question, Sire."
"Jean #8."
"He's still in the cradle back at the castle."
"Splendid!"
Daniel was a little less enthusiastic, although the initial balance of forces appeared promising.
The King was even more delighted when they routed the army of Orleans at the Battle of Maine.
"General, where is my victory hat?"
"You don't have one, sire."
"I don't?"
"It turns out we've never won a victory before. I had the historians check."
"I don't even have a 'good job' hat or 'well done' hat?"
"No. We have four hats. The 'we surrender' hat, the 'oh merciful God stop hurting us' hat, the 'we surrender' hat with a slightly larger feather (for when you need to surrender but also look your best), and the 'party time' hat."
"I like the sound of the 'party time' hat."
"It's a full cask of wine, my lord, that you wear on your head."
"That sounds unbelievably painful."
"It is, sire."
"Let's forget about hats for the moment, then. What's our next move?"
Daniel craned his neck to make sure heard this. As the king's personal hat donkey, he traveled with the king at all times.
"The Bourbonnais have invaded Vendee, my lord. We also have a rebellion in Finisterre."
"Hmm... can we handle them both?"
"No. We also run the risk of letting Orleans rebuild if we don't press our advantage."
"Sounds like we could some more soldiers. Can I train my donkey as a killer attack donkey?"
The General shook his head. "The last time you tried that, he killed fifty people."
That must have been Danny 2.0!
"Were any of them enemies?"
"Well, one looked pretty shifty, but it turned out that he just had some vision problems. The other 49 were orphans."
"Ouch. Scratch that idea. Let's hire some mercenaries instead."
"A sound move, sire. I shall send the order."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was now 1584. The mercenary plan, so far, was working beautifully. Although the rebels had seized Finisterre, they had driven the Bourbonnais out of Vendee.
The General in charge of that army, Roparzh d'Argentre, was among the most popular men in the kingdom, largely because of his victory hat.
"General, I don't like that mercenary leader. Why does he have a better hat than me?"
"I don't know, sire."
"Can we behead him and take his hat?"
"We... could, I suppose, but then the rebels might get more brave."
"Could we fashion a similar hat?"
"Sire, his hat is a chicken."
"Could I wear the donkey as a hat? Donkeys are bigger, so logically a bigger hat would mean bigger victory!"
"King Jean, with all due respect, wearing a donkey for a hat would crush your skull."
The King frowned. "That's no good at all. What if he turns pretender?"
"We can fire the mercenaries after he's done."
"Very well. Let us continue our siege of Maine!"
"Your will be done, Sire."
--------------------------------------------------------
1585 seemed to be the year of victory (but sadly, not of victory hats.) Brittany had taken Anjou and Maine and was sieging the Orleans capital.
Then King Jean got delusions of grandeur. He insisted on taking ALL of Orleans.
You have to admire the man's guts and his taste for hats.
"Maybe. Why are all of the kings so... well... stupid?"
It just seems that way. Vivid characters are funnier than dull ones, and stupid characters tend to be especially vivid.
"What are you talking about?"
Nothing, pork pie.
"Things seem to be going well, at least."
They are at that.
"Why aren't you trying to sabotage me?"
Who says I'm not?
A few moments later, the King's army ran past the illustrious hat donkey, screaming in terror.
"I see the King has the 'oh merciful God stop hurting us' hat on."
Chaos grinned.
Does he realize it's a ferret?
"I'm not at all sure he actually knows what a hat is, to be honest with you. Communication by hat seems very inefficient."
What are you gonna do now, tough guy?
Daniel thought for a moment. "I have a plan. Can you stay here with Danny 2.0 while I go off on my own?"
I thought you'd never ask. Let's go, Danny 2.0! Time for some carnage!
"Oh, hell yes!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lesser man than King Jean would have panicked horribly after losing army at the Second Battle of Alencon.
Instead, King Jean panicked the moment his beloved hat donkey was gone, taking all of his hats with him. While the mercenaries drove out the rebels and retook Brittany, the drive to win the war had completely stalled. Stalled, that is, until the arrival of a mighty army. An army led by a donkey.
The 11000 man army of Champagne rampaged through the countryside. The Orleanais were so terrified they signed a treaty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was 1590. Time to leave.
Daniel thought he'd look fondly on Brittany. He'd expanded their corner of the world greatly. Sure, the Kingdom was near bankruptcy, mortgaged to the hilt, but the important thing was that the next ruler of Brittany wouldn't have to spend all of their money on trade. Hopefully, they would keep their conquests. The Militia Act might go a long way towards hoping that.
All right, jackass. Ready to go?
"Yes, please. Where are we going next?"
Baluchistan.
"Away we go, then!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
That's right, it's back! Hope you didn't miss it too terribly much
With NRI over, I'll have more time to work on this one; I'll try to update at least twice a week, if not more.