Bulgaria: Fear 1337-thuania!
Normally, when Daniel Carlson awoke after traveling to a new country, he felt woozy and disoriented, but this seemed a bit excessive. It seemed like he was falling, and at an alarming rate...
"Um, Chaos? Why does it feel like I'm plummeting to the ground? Is that a normal side effect of the teleportation?"
Chaos appeared disinterested.
Falling, you say? How odd. That certainly isn't the teleportation. Although, it's funny you mention it, I remember there was something I was supposed to tell you. It's on the tip of my tongue...
Daniel's eyes finally cleared, and his worst suspicions were confirmed. The ground got closer every second. "Now would be a good time!"
Chaos grinned evilly.
Sorry, it's this darned memory of mine. Plays tricks on me. Do you know how many tongues I have? The cube root of -74. That's right, an imaginary number! What do you think of that?
A few seconds later, a sickening thud announced Daniel's crash into the ground. Chaos snapped his fingers, or claws, or whatever.
That's right! I remember now! You're an eagle in mid-flight. Well, you were in mid-flight...
Daniel opened one menacing eye; he would have stared balefully into Chaos's eye, but have you ever tried to stare into your own head?
(Note: Please do not try to stare into your own head.)
A vicious screech erupted from Daniel's mouth instead; confirmation that he was, indeed, an eagle. He got back to his feet, and found that he wasn't that badly hurt. "How far did I fall?"
About ten feet.
"It felt like something cushioned my fall. Is that right?"
Yeah, probably. Who cares?
Daniel craned his neck and looked around. "So this is Bulgaria?" He studied the maps provided for him by Chaos. "Wait, we don't actually control Bulgaria?"
Nope. Golden Horde has it.
"And you want me to declare war on Austria to retake Silistria?"
Of course not, you silly birdbrain. (HA! Birdbrain.)
"Whew, you had me worried there for a --"
We're already at war with Austria, I expect. You landed right on the Austrian Emperor's cousin.
The only thing fouler than what came out of Daniel's mouth is what typically comes out of an eagle's other end.
(Author's note: I finally got a "3" in the random roll!)
Cheer up, buddy. At least Lithuania is paying you to fight them. They might be even stupider than you!
Daniel let out another frustrated screech rather than respond.
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Daniel decided to take a closer look, to see if he might influence things in the battle. He saw a great defeat at the Battle of Burgas, which was hardly a surprise.
As if to mock Daniel, the gods even bestowed Claims on Our Rivals to Bulgaria, twisting the dagger already in Daniel's ribs.
However, Daniel saw something very odd. The Lithuanians were just standing there. He swooped down and caught a snippet of the conversation between the Bulgarian and Lithuanian Kings:
"Lithuania's speech is... strange."
Chaos groaned.
It's one of the less successful LELFs. I should have known by his pronunciation of Lithuania. Meet 1337 h@x0r.
"I'm sorry, what?"
See, to make things interesting, the PELFs occasionally employ a specific class of LELF called an "Artificial Intelligence." Sometimes, they're really bright. This one is not. He tries to sound smart by using unconventional spellings and internet memes to explain himself and his actions, but he just sounds like he can't speak properly.
"I see. So why isn't he invading?"
He's probably distracted by the shininess of the river. Please, don't ask why he didn't notice it the first time. I really don't know.
"If he's that dumb, I'll use my mind control to convince the Bulgarian army to retake Burgas. We may win yet!"
Nice try. Your consolation prize is that you were outsmarted by the stupidest LELF in existence. Actually, that's not much of a prize, when I think about it. Like when you pick the wrong door on Let's Make a Deal and end up with a year's supply of cabbage instead of a car.
"I suppose we should retreat to Nis and await our doom like warriors... now wait a minute, he's stopped again?"
"Why is he shouting the number one?"
Just don't. Just... don't. Bohemia's offering you a peace; I suggest you take it.
"So... we didn't get annexed?"
It would seem not.
"Then we won!"
I wouldn't go that far. Let me draw you an analogy. Some turkeys are so stupid that they'll drown in rainwater because they haven't got the sense to close their beaks. Your 'victory' is like that turkey surviving simply because it stops raining.
(Author's note: I have authentic second-hand evidence this actually happened; my wife saw it when she was younger. Strange but true!)
With no retort, Daniel decided to try hunting from the air. He spotted a tasty squirrel and dive bombed it. Unfortunately, Daniel was actually no eagle, and ended up smacking into a tree so hard that it left an eagle-shaped imprint in the bark.
My point exactly.
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By November 1545, Daniel felt brave enough to strike a blow for all eaglekind. He telepathically ordered the King of Bulgaria to attack Croatia, betting that Lithuania would stay home out of sheer stupidity and that Austria would be too busy laughing to answer the call.
Daniel wanted to reclaim Bulgaria and take Serbia, but didn't have the time, as both Croatia and Montenegro had hungry armies that would dive upon any weakness. If he attacked one, the other would strike back. In the end, he settled for Serbia, hoping that once Croatia lost, he could quickly strike at Bulgaria.
Unfortunately, Wallachia snuck in and grabbed Bulgaria before Bulgaria could react. Bulgaria had only one course of action. Bulgaria had to invade Bulgaria for the greater glory of Bulgaria!
(Author's note: Sorry about that last sentence.)
"Our victory is assured! We shall need a quick victory, Chaos, as Bohemia grows ever stronger."
I wouldn't be so sure. Montenegro has a friend now.
"Who would possibly help Montenegro?"
Milan. Also, most of the rest of Europe.
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Daniel's brilliant gamble -- seizing Bulgaria as quickly as possible -- ended in a giant standoff. It was, of course, only a standoff in that the AI never cooperates in EU 3.
Still, there is only one 1337-thuania, and Milan was much more competently led. After Tuscany captured Burgas (oh the irony!) Milan felt mighty enough to strike at Bulgaria in Bulgaria. The Bulgarian army was quickly defeated, and Bulgaria fell shortly afterwards.
Croatia took Serbia back; Bulgaria was returned to the Golden Horde, while Bulgaria was annexed by Milan.
Expecting to be teleported, Daniel prepared for the unpleasantness, but nothing happened.
"Chaos? Shouldn't we be going?"
Are you that lazy? I am not going to teleport you to your next destination. You can fly, after all. We aren't going far.
"Oh? Where are we going then?"
Bosnia. You get to stay an eagle for now, but I have a feeling it won't be for long. Bosnia is an OPM, after all.
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Tune in next week for more adventures with Daniel and Chaos!