Münster: Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory
Daniel Carlson was slowly getting used to the disorientation Chaos's teleportation caused. All he needed to was get something to drink, maybe stretch his legs a bit, and he'd be fine.
Wait a minute...
"Help! I think I'm paralyzed! I can't feel my legs!!"
Huh? What? Oh, that. Well, I've got good news and bad news for you, buddy.
"Okay. Good news first."
You're not paralyzed.
"Whew! That's a relief. What's the bad news?"
You don't have any legs.
Daniel was dumbfounded. "What do you mean I don't have any legs? Am I some sort of war veteran now?"
Nope.
"So it's a genetic defect? I was born without them?"
Nuh uh.
"An accident of some kind?"
Certainly not.
Daniel gasped. "Then... it was intentional?!"
Chaos slapped his forehead.
Humans! Always looking for the most complicated explanation before the simplest one. Nobody else of your kind has legs either, you twit.
"So... a plague then?"
Chaos rolled his eyes.
You're a birch.
"Who cares if my name is A. Birch? I want to know what's wrong with me!!"
At this point, Chaos was about ready to strangle Daniel before he realized he couldn't.
You, Danny boy, are a birch tree. A tree of the genus Betula. Future paper, logs, beaver snack, what have you. Tree.
That was almost too much for Daniel to take. "But, but, how could I be a tree?"
Trees are living things, dunce. Anything living is fair game. Plus, I figured this way, you couldn't get into too much trouble.
"I guess I shouldn't have complained so much about being a woman, huh?"
No. You should not have.
"If I say you can make a woman again later on, will you stop me from being a tree?"
I'll think about it.
"Okay. So how can I influence policy as a tree? I mean, who listens to trees?"
Who indeed, Danielle, er, Danny. Who indeed.
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Daniel woke up a few hours later, screaming in pain.
"SOMEBODY'S KILLING ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY STOP HIM!"
Oh, shut up, you wimp. I can give you real pain if you like.
"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY SOMEBODY IS THIS CRUEL!"
It's just a nail, cry baby. People nail things on to trees all the time. Sometimes other people get nailed to trees. Well, former bits of trees anyway.
Daniel settled down for a moment. "It still hurts."
It could be worse; it's a map of the realm, including the economy, so we can get started.
"That's convenient. Looks like we're in good shape. What's your mission and the horrible punishment you're going to inflict on me this time?"
Hang on a second. I'll create a mental picture.
You must make an impossible choice! Take 3 inflation or --
"I'll take the inflation."
You didn't let me finish!
"I don't need to. Remember your rules? No inflation?"
Chaos groused for a moment.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Fine.
"So what do we do now? Unless people keep nailing things to me, I won't get any useful information."
No, I suppose you won't. I'll have to try something drastic. I have to warn you, it'll be unpleasant.
"Very little that has happened to me in the last 30 years has been pleasant."
A fair point. I'll just reach out to the nearest carpenter, and --
"Wait a minute! Carpenter? Why would you -- SON OF A [repeated expletives of hideous, unimaginable pain deleted]."
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After a few hours, Daniel awoke to feel very cramped. Very, very cramped. The pain was gone, though, which seemed a blessing.
"Where are we now?"
You're right at the seat of power. Specifically, around the neck of the Archbishop of Münster, Adolf II. Even more specifically, a new cross.
"I thought you said I couldn't die? Didn't cutting me down kill me?"
In most circumstances, yes. However, not in your case. It's best not to think about it.
"I'll take your word for it."
A few hours later, an aide burst in.
"My lord Archbishop! We have declared war!"
Adolf II was startled for a moment. "We have? On whom?"
"Connacht!"
Adolf II chuckled. "No, that's Munster, my son. We're Münster."
"Right! We, Munster, declared war!"
"No, no, you're pronouncing it wrong. It's Münster, not Munster. Like the cheese."
"That's what I've been saying, Archbishop. Munster!"
"That's Münster."
"Oh, for heaven's sake!" The aide quit on the spot. Adolf remarked to himself that he'd lost a lot of aides that way.
[Author's note: I'm sorry for that last part. I just couldn't resist. I took a couple semesters of German in college, and, well, I've still never worked out the difference. Back to the AAR!]
The new aide had more relevant information. "As requested, Archbishop, we've made our policies slightly more Land based."
"Excellent! And the results?"
"The entire staff of our shipyard quit in disgust."
"Oh dear. That's a shame. What of our mighty navy?"
"We have a single cog, your Excellency."
"Fair enough. It is God's will that we have a larger army than Brabant. How many soldiers do they have?"
The new aide -- we'll call him Hans because I can't think of a better name right now -- checked a scroll. "11,000 sir. I'm quite sure they actually have closer to 13,000, but some were lost in battle."
Adolf II pursed his lips. "That won't do at all. I advise we do nothing and hope that Brabant gets into a stupid war."
Hans bowed. "A sound strategy."
Yeah, unless we get into a stupid war first.
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It was April 14, 1436. Daniel and Chaos had been in Münster for five years and almost nothing had happened. A new Archbishop took the throne -- Otto V. Unlike your average Archbishop, Otto preferred taking the word of God directly to the people. At the point of a lance, preferably.
Daniel had tried many things to improve the economy. First, he'd hired 2000 more soldiers to compete with Brabant. They were disbanded a few months later, since it put them over the force limit and nearly bankrupted the country. Next, he signed a trade league compact with the Hansa, to try to get merchants in foreign COTs. That didn't work either; most of the merchants were competed away almost immediately. Plus, spending all that money on merchants nearly bankrupted the country again. It could have been worse.
He could have been France.
"I'm bored, Chaos. Can't you do something?"
Way ahead of you, Woody. Hah! I call you Woody because you're made of wood! :rofl:
"Wait a minute, what did you just do?"
It's the ROFL smiley. Paradox brought it back!
"Who's Paradox?"
Oh, never mind. Anyway, Hans should be coming in right about... now!
On cue, Hans entered. "Your Excellency! I have exciting news! One of the monks found some claims on our rivals!"
Otto V grinned evilly. "Excellent! Let us expand the Holy Realm of Münster the way Jesus would have. With a glorious war!"
Hans looked puzzled. "Um, Archbishop, I'm almost positive that Jesus wouldn't advocate war for expansion's sake."
"Jesus wasn't a four Shock general in war. Also, I'm the Archbishop here, and I'm probably the only person who can read, so the Bible says what I say it says. Unless of course, you'd like to join the army?"
Hans quickly shook his head and exit the room. Otto strapped on his ceremonial armor.
Cologne would feel the wrath of God, Otto V-style!
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New Year's Day. 1437. Chaos was nursing a hangover, having been out drinking with Order the night before. Daniel, being a cross, sat there and did nothing, while Otto V rode to glory.
The Archbishop waved his lance at the nearest soldier.
"You there! Hans! Come here!"
The soldier looked puzzled. "Er, Archbishop, my name isn't Hans."
"It's either Hans or Lance. Get the
point?"
"Er, of course. Corporal Hans reporting for duty."
"Very good. Send a runner to the King of Cologne. Tell him to give us Westfalen or suffer the consequences!"
"Of course, sir."
A few hours later, the runner returned and whispered to the Corporal.
"Archbishop, the King said he'd sooner burn in hell than surrender to a warmongering lunatic like you."
Otto's eyes narrowed. "That can be arranged."
A few hours after that, a runner from Cologne came with an offer.
"Wait, didn't the King just reject this offer?"
"He did, your Holiness, but apparently there were riots in the streets."
"Could we annex the whole kingdom?"
"No, sir. Cleves would get Köln."
"Then we accept. God has won a righteous victory this day!"
"Very good, sir."
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A few hours later, the enormity of what happened struck Daniel.
"Chaos! Wake up, you drunkard."
Wha? No, Officer, I swear she was with me the whole time. Yes, sir, I do have a banana in my pocket. Not that I'm not happy to see you, sir, I just like keeping a snack around.
After a few moments, Chaos coughed and cleared his head.
Oh, it's you. What, did you get us kicked out already?
"That's just it! We won the war!"
Chaos blinked a few times and cleaned out his ears.
We did?
"Yep."
Not, we-didn't-lose-as-much-as-we-could-have-so-I'm-saying-we-won, won?
"Nope. We got another province."
I may have underestimated you, General D to the C.
"You know what? It's kind of... awesome. Invigorating, even. To force your will on another country is, is --"
Addicting?
"Yeah! Addicting! How did you know?"
Chaos chuckled.
I've done this once or twice before, believe it or not.
"Right, sorry."
Are you ready for another war?
"What about Friesland? They're weak."
Nah, you've got a truce with them because of the last war.
"Oh. The Hansa? We could take Bremen."
Too powerful.
"Brabant?"
No CB. Also, they just got PUed.
"What, they got sprayed by a skunk?"
Har-dee-har-har. No, this:
"Ew. That's no good. Perhaps we should wait."
A couple of months later, Otto V nearly went to war with Bohemia. Only Daniel (well, Chaos, really) could talk him out of it, and Münster ended up one province poorer.
By the end of November 1437, Otto V spent most of his days pacing back and forth in the room. He had riches, power, fame, everything an Archbishop could want. An astute observer might mention that Archbishops shouldn't want those things. Many an astute observer has seen the point of Otto's lance, so I leave you to draw your own conclusions.
"Hans!"
At this, ten different people responded. Otto just called everybody Hans. It seemed easier that way.
"No, other Hans!"
The original Hans spoke up. "Me, sir?"
"Yes, you. Declare war on somebody!"
"Whom?"
"I don't care! How about Brunswick?"
"Umm, they're allied to the Hansa, sir, and they have an awfully big army."
"Who cares? I want war! GIVE ME WAR! NOW!"
Hans quietly told Hans to tell Hans to send Hans to Brunswick with a message. Hans and Hans nodded at Hans, Hans, and Hans.
Otto V needed to have an "accident" before Münster was completely destroyed.
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Otto V reveled in battle once again. Daniel felt sick from all the lancing. Chaos wasn't paying attention.
As usual, the war began well.
As usual, the brilliant leader died in battle.
As usual, a little more success was followed by catastrophic failure.
As usual, the armies of Daniel's country were wiped out and annexation was imminent.
As usual, Chaos pulled them out just in the nick of time.
So, Danny boy, you've done it again. Another country wiped out of existence thanks to you.
"But I didn't do anything!"
Sure you did. Do you think Otto V was naturally that bloodthirsty?
"Well, yeah."
Okay, he was. But you made him even bloodthirstier. He could sense your burgeoning addiction for sweet, sweet, victory and had to feed it.
"Hey, I did everything I could to keep him from attacking Brunswick! The Hansa was way too powerful!"
Hmm. Well, it must be the idiot behind the keyboard then.
Hey! I resent that!
You created me, jerk. It's not my fault you keep screwing up and blaming it on Daniel.
Actually, I normally blame you.
You do?
Yeah, all the time. Don't you read the AAR?
No, I'm a busy demon. I've got things to do.
Fair enough.
"Chaos, who were you just talking to?"
Never mind. Your head would probably explode.
"Maybe you're right. Where are we going next?"
Not far. Brandenburg.
"Can I not be a tree this time?"
I haven't decided yet. Oh, and women are back on the table now, since you agreed earlier.
Daniel sighed. "I suppose that's fair."
Great! Now nighty night. Sleep tight.
As usual, Daniel blacked out.
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By the way, I'm 100% not legally liable if the paradoxes (no pun intended) in this AAR make your head explode. So there.
A bit of gameplay exposition. I seriously thought that Otto's badassery would help me win even against uneven odds. What I didn't count on was Otto dying.
Bernhard, his replacement? Exchange 4 Shock for 6 Fire. Yeah.
In hindsight, I should have waited, but playing with such a short time period to make stuff happen forces me to do crazy stuff.
Also, it's Chaos's fault.
I heard that!
