Tales from our Faarthers
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I'm sure someone, somewhere in Russia in the 12th Century was busy fermenting the potatoes rather than just eating them?
aye, I was surprised, so my guess is it keys purely off piety, not actual activities?
the new Kettu is on the verge of a first sighting ...
Mitrofan 1291-95, a case study in ...
Scene 1: A lecture theatre in the University of Hell [1], the year on earth is 1822.
Trainee demons are about to take their first module in advanced possession and demonic activities, called the “dramaturgical art and the demon”[2].
For those who care about such details, the University was built on what used to be Gabi's nail and tail emporium
The Empress Astarte enters
Demons, you have completed your basic course and understand about possession, temptation, the planting of false hopes and so on. So now we intend to show you how to bring these skills together so as to create the perfect intervention in a human’s life.
The example will be taken from the short reign of Mitrofan, King of the Rus from 1291 to 1295.
So first we plant the seeds of hope and ambition, in this case he wanted to be an Emperor. He inherited a large and stable kingdom:
But of course, we have to, early on, foreshadow problems yet to arise:
In this case his wife really does not like him
And his brother is annoyed that he didn’t come to the throne
I quickly arranged for his mother to die – thus establishing the motif of death in the family
And, as he was a Rurikovich it was essential to arrange a traditional rebellion and for his marshall to be injured, you see it is critical in these cases to be as realistic as possible
I encouraged his bastard brother to go to a new realm, again note the re-appearance of the loss motif
But, to keep him hopeful, so as to make the final loss all the more shattering, we let him have a potentially useful heir
And, the potential for another:
So as to build up hope, we arranged for him to win a war, after Mstislav was convinced he actually had a chance of winning:
At this stage he was beginning to think of how to make war on Byzantium – as you can see we had introduced hope … at which stage it was essential that feelings of foreboding were developed, so he has a chance to regain part of Lithuania, but his brother is disloyal
And then odd things started to happen, first
Now the loss of his estranged wife and the child, became part of his (so he thought) designs on Byzantium
You see, he saw the potential for an alliance, and aid in his planned war.
So he marries into the Wallachian royal family (who were actually Sami who had fled the North West when Rus power was established in that region) … please take notes as this is important for what happens next
So again, we introduce random violence and the loss-motif, but he is only thinking of his steadily expanding kingdom
But, he feels the air of impending doom
And joins in a rather foolish war to cheer himself up
But the air of doom darkened, with the mysterious death of his first son
Leaving him with Roman as his heir, note there are no particularly obviously worrying characteristics (except maybe the lack of friends), this is indicative of my sublime subtlety
Then that idiot Harry made a mess of it, just as I was building it up so carefully - of course as a result we lost Mitrofan's soul - spur 2 in purgatory ... look it up in your geography books.
Any questions?
Empress, Professor, who was Harry?
Oh nobody important, he used to think he was in charge down here. We’ll cover that in a later lecture.
Is this the end for the Rurikovich Imperial Dreams? What would have happened if Harry hadn’t got carried away? How much of the realm will survive?
[1] – which of course has 2 medical schools, a point of concern if you’ve ever worked in Higher Education
[2] – unfortunately, Hell is already full of Sociologists
Trainee demons are about to take their first module in advanced possession and demonic activities, called the “dramaturgical art and the demon”[2].
For those who care about such details, the University was built on what used to be Gabi's nail and tail emporium
The Empress Astarte enters
Demons, you have completed your basic course and understand about possession, temptation, the planting of false hopes and so on. So now we intend to show you how to bring these skills together so as to create the perfect intervention in a human’s life.
The example will be taken from the short reign of Mitrofan, King of the Rus from 1291 to 1295.
So first we plant the seeds of hope and ambition, in this case he wanted to be an Emperor. He inherited a large and stable kingdom:
But of course, we have to, early on, foreshadow problems yet to arise:
In this case his wife really does not like him
And his brother is annoyed that he didn’t come to the throne
I quickly arranged for his mother to die – thus establishing the motif of death in the family
And, as he was a Rurikovich it was essential to arrange a traditional rebellion and for his marshall to be injured, you see it is critical in these cases to be as realistic as possible
I encouraged his bastard brother to go to a new realm, again note the re-appearance of the loss motif
But, to keep him hopeful, so as to make the final loss all the more shattering, we let him have a potentially useful heir
And, the potential for another:
So as to build up hope, we arranged for him to win a war, after Mstislav was convinced he actually had a chance of winning:
At this stage he was beginning to think of how to make war on Byzantium – as you can see we had introduced hope … at which stage it was essential that feelings of foreboding were developed, so he has a chance to regain part of Lithuania, but his brother is disloyal
And then odd things started to happen, first
Now the loss of his estranged wife and the child, became part of his (so he thought) designs on Byzantium
You see, he saw the potential for an alliance, and aid in his planned war.
So he marries into the Wallachian royal family (who were actually Sami who had fled the North West when Rus power was established in that region) … please take notes as this is important for what happens next
So again, we introduce random violence and the loss-motif, but he is only thinking of his steadily expanding kingdom
But, he feels the air of impending doom
And joins in a rather foolish war to cheer himself up
But the air of doom darkened, with the mysterious death of his first son
Leaving him with Roman as his heir, note there are no particularly obviously worrying characteristics (except maybe the lack of friends), this is indicative of my sublime subtlety
Then that idiot Harry made a mess of it, just as I was building it up so carefully - of course as a result we lost Mitrofan's soul - spur 2 in purgatory ... look it up in your geography books.
Any questions?
Empress, Professor, who was Harry?
Oh nobody important, he used to think he was in charge down here. We’ll cover that in a later lecture.
Is this the end for the Rurikovich Imperial Dreams? What would have happened if Harry hadn’t got carried away? How much of the realm will survive?
[1] – which of course has 2 medical schools, a point of concern if you’ve ever worked in Higher Education
[2] – unfortunately, Hell is already full of Sociologists
Much change is afoot! So Astarte will gain command in the future, poor Harry likely crushed underneath the university whilst visiting the nail and tail emporium, and there is a new generation of bright young demons being taught by the master manipulator herself...humanity seems doomed!
I loved this line, cheer yourself up by spreading the misery around!
I daresay we'd still be enjoying (perhaps not the right word) his genial incompetence, rather than about to suffer the ruthless efficiency of the Astarte reign!
Also I suppose looking over Mitrofan's life and his burgeoning bank balance, the old adage; money doesn't bring happiness, is very true!
I loved this line, cheer yourself up by spreading the misery around!
I daresay we'd still be enjoying (perhaps not the right word) his genial incompetence, rather than about to suffer the ruthless efficiency of the Astarte reign!
Also I suppose looking over Mitrofan's life and his burgeoning bank balance, the old adage; money doesn't bring happiness, is very true!
Did they build the university on top of the nail bar or did it just evolve?
Gabi's nail bar > Gabi's Tail Grooming Institute > University of Hell (Gabi Campus)
Gabi's nail bar > Gabi's Tail Grooming Institute > University of Hell (Gabi Campus)
"Hell is full of sociologists"
*laughs*
Love it.
I've only just caught up but this is the usual good standard - keep it up!
*laughs*
Love it.
I've only just caught up but this is the usual good standard - keep it up!
no need to worry, we'll have a few more centuries of the Harry approach before we get onto any efficiency in Hell
sounds like the evolution of the UK Higher Education sector over the last 20 years ...
No potatoes before going to Chile!
ok, can I brew it out of wheat? I must have wheat, this is Russia ...
ah, well as I mentioned to, I've just finished editing a thesis by a sociologist, and it sort of reminded me why ...
ok, I've written the next post 5 times, the first version was spread over about 8 updates, dutifully reporting every assassination, declaration of war and rebellion ... this is the condensed variant
Roman 1295-1300, a bit explosive
Scene 1: The court
Raphael is pronouncing judgement
Satan, he's all yours, I think we all agree - the lower reaches of circle IX
Scene 2: Gabi's Nail and Tail Salon
Harry is in an expansive mood
I tell you, if I rule this place for another 1500 years, I'm never going to have that much fun again ...
having killed his father, he inherits with a bit of an image problem, most of his vassals are already in near revolt
he decides to marry his mother in law ... Astarte managed to do that small job fairly well
botched the assassination of his uncle
who was none too pleased
and then had the idea he could head off the civil war by killing all his rivals
anyway, they all spend 5 years at it, wars, burning things down, murder, assassination, it was such fun ... he ends up with
having given away almost all his titles in an attempt to stave off total defeat
Just look at his global reputation
and then his uncle got his own back anyway
Giving Kettu a second chance was such a brilliant idea
Astarte enters
Harry, can you come this way, there's someone you need to meet
Scene 3: Astarte's tower, Dis
Harry enters, rather drunk, his wing drapped over Astarte
Who are you?
Kettu
So who's in the ninth circle, getting the special treatment?
Roman
Harry muses on this
so there are two of you, in the same family with the same taste for murder, heresy and mayhem?
... well that is good news
So can Mikula sort out the realm? Can Harry cope with 2 psychotic murderers in Hell? Can Harry cope?
Raphael is pronouncing judgement
Satan, he's all yours, I think we all agree - the lower reaches of circle IX
Scene 2: Gabi's Nail and Tail Salon
Harry is in an expansive mood
I tell you, if I rule this place for another 1500 years, I'm never going to have that much fun again ...
having killed his father, he inherits with a bit of an image problem, most of his vassals are already in near revolt
he decides to marry his mother in law ... Astarte managed to do that small job fairly well
botched the assassination of his uncle
who was none too pleased
and then had the idea he could head off the civil war by killing all his rivals
anyway, they all spend 5 years at it, wars, burning things down, murder, assassination, it was such fun ... he ends up with
having given away almost all his titles in an attempt to stave off total defeat
Just look at his global reputation
and then his uncle got his own back anyway
Giving Kettu a second chance was such a brilliant idea
Astarte enters
Harry, can you come this way, there's someone you need to meet
Scene 3: Astarte's tower, Dis
Harry enters, rather drunk, his wing drapped over Astarte
Who are you?
Kettu
So who's in the ninth circle, getting the special treatment?
Roman
Harry muses on this
so there are two of you, in the same family with the same taste for murder, heresy and mayhem?
... well that is good news
So can Mikula sort out the realm? Can Harry cope with 2 psychotic murderers in Hell? Can Harry cope?
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How could you destroy your own empire so well?
so easy - a 16 year old King with no reputation, kinslayer trait and hugely negative piety - everyone ends up rebelling (at one stage I had 5 different wars on the go) and the only thing you can do is to get rid of your vassals, the bit of the court that survived all the assassinations mostly left, so had no decent advisors either
but yep, it is impressive
, one of the many reasons I love CK. I can't imagine in EU, if I had the control over Russia that I had about 80 years back that I could have managed to lose it all.
I am not an expert on Freud, but killing your father and marrying your stepmother seem like the actions of someone with some serious issues.
Has Harry gone missing as he is doing some seroius therapy with Roman?
Has Harry gone missing as he is doing some seroius therapy with Roman?
I love when CK causes implosions
The bigger they are, the more amusing they fall?
Very true - I'm doing my damnest to create a CK style Russia in EU3 and I doubt it will get that bad.
Great stuff, as ever, that truly is one destroyed Empire. Its always nice of CK to catch you out just as things are going swimmingly.
I'm sure he'll find some way to make the already awful that little bit worse.
I'm sure he'll find some way to make the already awful that little bit worse.
Hey I'm catching up and I noticed that I have 4 Rurikovitch's in every adviser position except Stewerd during my Bulgaria Game!
How could you destroy your own empire so well?
I love when CK causes implosions
I was surprised at quite how bad it got, I think at one stage I was down to a single province, but as I made peace, I kept on getting provinces back so just hung in there.
In effect kin slayer+negative piety+losing sieges and battles (so you never get any reputation)+realm duress=no realm
You are indeed doing an excellent job of making EU3 look like CK, inspires me to give it another go
Aye, agree, if the old Viennese fraud had focussed on Roman rather than that less effective Greek Oedipus, then psychiatry might not be the mess it is today ....
No, as you'll see Harry is on the verge of 2 in a row ... so we may have more of the casual model of running Hell for a whle
glad you're enjoying it, aye they get everywhere. The screen for 'my relatives' in the ledger is huge and they've got to most of Europe. If one is called Mstislav, don't let him near a baggage train
which brings us to:
Mikula, 1304-1036, short but not very sweet
Scene 1: The Court
Mikula is led in
Harry and Raphael are arguing
Ok Harry, we’ll discuss that later
Well Mikula, can you start
Yes, well this was all that was left of the family holdings, mine and his combined
Helpfully Vseslav my son was pretty promising, so there was some hope for the future
Hang on ….
Who are you?
Satan
oh … does that mean ….
Yes quite likely … anyway, I just want to be clear … for the court records you see … you didn’t just inherit from your nephew did you?
Yes I did
Yes, you did, but something happened to make him pass the throne to you
Ah you mean …
Yes, you had him assassinated
Ok Harry, you’ve made your point, now Mikula please continue
Well it was rather stressful even thinking about how to sort out the mess
Not helped that my wife didn’t like me
Hah, that’s what all the Rurikovichs say
Harry …
Ok, ok, Mikula …
Well I wanted two things, first to gain some reputation, and second regain some land, so I started a war with Bryansk, and then …
So there was more building burning, surprising as I though that Roman hadn’t left much left standing, and I did something heroic
My bishop toddled off, obviously just couldn't match the standards I was setting
Some idiot tried to emulate my grasp of military tactics
And then I started to improve my overall reputation
Which meant
And just to follow it up, more military genius by me
Someone of course has to show off
So the war with Bjarmia was going very well, most of their army was dead, I’d taken 3 counties off them and we were besieging their home provinces
Scene 2: Hell
Astarte is standing with a group of very tough looking demons[1]
So, look he’ll come back, drunk, pleased with himself, empty handed as usual, so you lot grab him, lock him up and we start to run this place properly
Scene 3: The Court
So one last cavalry charge
Ok, well you didn’t get up to much, I think a spell in Purgatory would be best all around
Harry … you object?
Yes, we’re ignoring what he did before he inherited, killed his nephew and declared war on at least 4 of his neighbours, clear case for Circle VI, Ring 1 – he can throw things down at his nephew, make use of them both
Raphael looks at the clerks
He’s right you know
Well Mikula you’d better follow Satan ….
Scene 4: The Gates of Hell
Look you’ll like it, I tell you we have all the fun people down here and your circle is really popular (there’s some German bloke with a red beard just turned up – Frederick someone or other) and Astarte will be so pleased [2]
Harry
Astarte, ... oh hi lads (nods to the ultra scary very tough demons)
Who’s your friend?
Mikula, I was just telling him how happy you’d be, an addition to your private circle, give the Furies someone new to chat to
[1] Really tough ones, Kirk Douglas in Spartacus, that sort of tough, Mark Van Bommel (well maybe not that tough, but that sort of thing)
[2] According to Dante, Astarte is Queen of the Furies who torment those damned for violence and aggression
Was that another failed rebellion? Can Vseslav carry on the task of retaking Russia?
Mikula is led in
Harry and Raphael are arguing
Ok Harry, we’ll discuss that later
Well Mikula, can you start
Yes, well this was all that was left of the family holdings, mine and his combined
Helpfully Vseslav my son was pretty promising, so there was some hope for the future
Hang on ….
Who are you?
Satan
oh … does that mean ….
Yes quite likely … anyway, I just want to be clear … for the court records you see … you didn’t just inherit from your nephew did you?
Yes I did
Yes, you did, but something happened to make him pass the throne to you
Ah you mean …
Yes, you had him assassinated
Ok Harry, you’ve made your point, now Mikula please continue
Well it was rather stressful even thinking about how to sort out the mess
Not helped that my wife didn’t like me
Hah, that’s what all the Rurikovichs say
Harry …
Ok, ok, Mikula …
Well I wanted two things, first to gain some reputation, and second regain some land, so I started a war with Bryansk, and then …
So there was more building burning, surprising as I though that Roman hadn’t left much left standing, and I did something heroic
My bishop toddled off, obviously just couldn't match the standards I was setting
Some idiot tried to emulate my grasp of military tactics
And then I started to improve my overall reputation
Which meant
And just to follow it up, more military genius by me
Someone of course has to show off
So the war with Bjarmia was going very well, most of their army was dead, I’d taken 3 counties off them and we were besieging their home provinces
Scene 2: Hell
Astarte is standing with a group of very tough looking demons[1]
So, look he’ll come back, drunk, pleased with himself, empty handed as usual, so you lot grab him, lock him up and we start to run this place properly
Scene 3: The Court
So one last cavalry charge
Ok, well you didn’t get up to much, I think a spell in Purgatory would be best all around
Harry … you object?
Yes, we’re ignoring what he did before he inherited, killed his nephew and declared war on at least 4 of his neighbours, clear case for Circle VI, Ring 1 – he can throw things down at his nephew, make use of them both
Raphael looks at the clerks
He’s right you know
Well Mikula you’d better follow Satan ….
Scene 4: The Gates of Hell
Look you’ll like it, I tell you we have all the fun people down here and your circle is really popular (there’s some German bloke with a red beard just turned up – Frederick someone or other) and Astarte will be so pleased [2]
Harry
Astarte, ... oh hi lads (nods to the ultra scary very tough demons)
Who’s your friend?
Mikula, I was just telling him how happy you’d be, an addition to your private circle, give the Furies someone new to chat to
[1] Really tough ones, Kirk Douglas in Spartacus, that sort of tough, Mark Van Bommel (well maybe not that tough, but that sort of thing)
[2] According to Dante, Astarte is Queen of the Furies who torment those damned for violence and aggression
Was that another failed rebellion? Can Vseslav carry on the task of retaking Russia?
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I'm not quite caught up yet, but this really brightened my night. I daresay the tester can stand some improvement: this AAR has made me laugh, entertained me in general and features characters that I can empathize with. None of these things a Dan Brown book has done for me (for shame, I actually read that Da Vinci drivel some years ago. I also tried one of the earlier books but had to put it down when I finished the half-page hagiography that was the description of a main character - Dan Brown seems utterly unable to create a believeable character: you know, the type that isn't either a slavering monster or an übermensch superhero).
Anyway, I hope to catch up in the next day or two and am looking forward to what's in story on page 18 and 19.