Political Wizardry (Part 2)
*The members of Baldwin’s cabinet, minus Baldwin, have been told to meet outside the door of 10, Downing Street. A day has passed since Baldwin’s literal fall from power. Chamberlain is early, as always, and more than a little uneasy, again as always.*
Neville Chamberlain: Nine twenty-five…
Neville Chamberlain: Nine twenty-six…
Neville Chamberlain: Nine twenty-seven…
Neville Chamberlain: Nine twenty-eight…
Neville Chamberlain: Nine twenty-nine…
Neville Chamberlain: Nine thirty… the meeting starts in forty-five minutes! They’ll all be late…
Neville Chamberlain: Nine thirty-one… have I got the right date? Oh God, they’ve probably already gone in, but if they haven’t and I try and open the door… Oh God I’d look silly…
*Chamberlain furiously checks both his diary and his watch for the next forty minutes, at which point Ernle Chatfield is dropped off by his chauffeur*
Ernle Chatfield: A little cold to be standing outside, eh Neville?
Neville Chamberlain: Better three hours too soon than a minute too late!
Ernle Chatfield: Hold on… Neville, how long have you been standing here?
Neville Chamberlain: Better three hours too soon than a minute too late!
Ernle Chatfield: Oh dear…
*Anthony Eden walks around the corner*
Anthony Eden: Gentlemen
Ernle Chatfield: Morning Anthony
Anthony Eden: Any idea why Stanley called this meeting?
Ernle Chatfield: No, actually, although I think it might be something to do with the whole monarchy business…
Anthony Eden: That seems most likely.
Neville Chamberlain: Why did he call this meeting? There must have been a reason! Oh, dear Lord, I’ve slipped up… I’ve done something wrong and he-he’s giving me the boot! Oh no, oh dear God no! Whatever shall I do! It must be my fault… oh dear… Stanley, I-I mean Mr Baldwin or, or Mr Prime Minister, please Sir! Sir, no! I need this job sir! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
*Chamberlain pulls out a handkerchief and begins to sob uncontrollably*
Anthony Eden: For the love of…
(From around the corner) Winston Churchill: MAN UP, NEVILLE!
*Hugh Sinclair arrives and notices Chamberlain crying*
Hugh Sinclair: Neville got here early again, eh?
Ernle Chatfield: Three hours.
Hugh Sinclair: That’s big, even by Neville’s standards…
Anthony Eden: Agreed!
*The other members of Baldwin’s cabinet soon file in (except Baldwin), but they are left wondering why Baldwin has not arrived.*
Anthony Eden: You would have thought he could have let us in, at least.
Owen Boyd: It better not rain, I’ve got all these papers…
*The door opens, but the person opening it is not recognised by anyone, except Chamberlain*
Neville Chamberlain: Good heavens!
*Chamberlain faints. Eden is in a position to catch him, but lets him drop*
Austen Chamberlain: Good morning, dear half-brother.
Anthony Eden: Right, what the hell is going on here?
Austen Chamberlain: The P.M. told me to come, says I’m the new Minister of Security.
John Gort: That’s not like Baldwin…
Austen Chamberlain: Who said anything about Baldwin? Ha-ha…
Anthony Eden: I think he is actually more malevolent than that bloody monocle suggests…
John Gort: Wait, you say the P.M. made you the Minister of Security. The Prime Minister did this, yes?
Austen Chamberlain: Oh yes… in no uncertain terms…
John Gort: Yes, but, well, Baldwin is the Prime Minister!
Austen Chamberlain: Oh, ha-ha, not anymore!
Cyril Deverell: Start talking sense or I’ll stop you from talking at all, you little blighter!
Austen Chamberlain: Do come inside, dear friends…
*Austen Chamberlain opens the door and retreats into the shadows with a sinister chuckle*
Ernle Chatfield: Blimey, he’s a few books short of a library…
Hugh Sinclair: I think, perhaps, a few books too many.
*They proceed inside, with Deverell dragging the still unconscious Neville Chamberlain in by the ear*
David Lloyd George: Hello there, gentlemen!
Cyril Deverell: I could’ve sworn you were dead!
David Lloyd George: Hah! I can’t die! I mean, no, I have not been dying recently…
*Very awkward silence*
John Gort: So, you’re the new Prime Minister?
David Lloyd George: Indeed. I have selected Austen here to be our new Security Minister. His ‘efficiency’ should be instrumental in rooting out any… infiltrations…
John Gort: But, what happened to Stanley, I mean Mr Baldwin?
David Lloyd George: He gave me his letter of resignation. Copies are on the way to King Edward and The Daily Mail.
John Gort: Is this letter written in blood?
David Lloyd George: Yes, unbreakableness and all that. Mr Baldwin was most insistent…
John Gort: Riiiiiiiight…
David Lloyd George: In case you are interested, here is the chart of your cabinet positions.
Hugh Sinclair: This is an exact copy of Baldwin’s, just with the pictures of you and Chamberlain put over Baldwin’s!
David Lloyd George: Well, not much has changed.
Anthony Eden: Well, with Baldwin ‘resigned’, where do we stand on foreign policy?
David Lloyd George: Well, err… Francis, was it?
Anthony Eden: Eden, sir. Anthony Eden. I’m the Foreign Minister, you see.
David Lloyd George: Yes, yes, whatever.
Anthony Eden: Well, sir?
David Lloyd George: Well what?
Anthony Eden: Our foreign policy, sir.
David Lloyd George: Hmm, yes…
Anthony Eden: Err, sir?
David Lloyd George: Well, what did Baldwin think?
*Eden pulls out Baldwin’s old hand-annotated maps from a drawer and shows them to Lloyd George*
Lloyd George: For an insignificant little speck like him, these aren’t all useless… I recommend that we adapt his ideas somewhat, whilst keeping the main body of them essentially the same.
Anthony Eden: Very good, sir.
David Lloyd George: We leave the Nazis, the Reds and the French to fight it out. Expect the French to collapse and plead for our help, just like the Great War. We’ll leave them be, and let the Nazis turn on the Communists, hopefully exhausting themselves and the Soviets in the process. Meanwhile, we pick on the minor side-states and expand the empire as much as possible.
Anthony Eden: But the French are our Allies!
David Lloyd George: That agreement means nothing, except to the French. We shall keep up appearances, as Baldwin has done, of friendship, but be prepared to leave them in the quicksand at the first sign of danger.
Anthony Eden: What of the Japanese?
David Lloyd George: Hmm, they have eyes on all of the Far-East, and that means Hong-Kong, Singapore and India. The Royal Navy must be ready to face them. Fortunately, their greed will likely pull them into a war with America, which will doubtless be their downfall. Sadly, they look to be falling in line with Hitler. We may have to wage war with Germany. If we do, we shall keep it a defensive affair. Air superiority must be maintained over the Home Islands, and invasion must be halted before it can begin.
Anthony Eden: Fair enough. What about Mussolini?
David Lloyd George: He’s a rather pompous fellow, not half the man Hitler is. He’ll likely try for a war of expansion. Should he target Egypt, we’ll drive him out of Libya and set out a friendlier regime in Rome.
Anthony Eden: You think he can be dealt with that easily?
David Lloyd George: Yes.
Anthony Eden: OK…
David Lloyd George: Now, for all you military men, Baldwin’s projects will remain in place, as they seem worthwhile. Any other requests will go through me, however.
*Murmurs of reluctant acceptance from Deverell, Gort, Chatfield and Boyd*
Hugh Sinclair: Any chances of me being able to actually get some work?
David Lloyd George: The Espionage Chief, are you?
Hugh Sinclair: Yes.
David Lloyd George: No, then.
Hugh Sinclair: Well, I’m off to the Bahamas!
All: Bye, Hugh!
*As Sinclair disappears happily outside, Austen Chamberlain bounds in, wickedly happy, carrying a mangled body. He drops it at the feet of Neville Chamberlain, who has just regained consciousness*
Neville Chamberlain: Good Lord!
*Neville Chamberlain faints*
Owen Boyd: Not again…
Anthony Eden: Why exactly have you brought a… still-bleeding corpse into 10, Downing Street?
Austen Chamberlain: A spy, Mr Eden. I killed him myself.
Anthony Eden: I can see from the… bite marks on the neck. You clearly work fast. What has happened to his chest?
Austen Chamberlain: Oh, I ate his heart.
Cyril Deverell: WHAT THE HELL!?
*Owen Boyd makes a sign of the cross and backs away from Austen Chamberlain*
David Lloyd George: Well done, Austen; good boy! I think that concludes this meeting my friends, good day!
---
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for replies and the next (historybook style) update!