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Man, just found and got caught up on this AAR, way too funny.
Some very witty and humerous stuff. I have not laughed this hard in a long time.
Please more soon...
Some very witty and humerous stuff. I have not laughed this hard in a long time.
Please more soon...
Heh, as soon as Hitler or someone said that they needed some electronic dice, i thought that things will come to HOI 
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Glad you finally got this far
-Glad you finally got this far
God i am still luaghing so hard at this one. Just reread everything for the second time. I cant get over how much character you put into this AAR and its, erm... characters.
Kudos again.
Great stuff, man! (ehem, apart from invading Sweden... You would have to develop Winter Warfare Equipment before doing that, otherwise your brave soldiers "Fritz, Hans und Otto" will freeze to death) =)
This is such a good AAR I can't believe i didn't find it sooner!
I like the panzer in a cake idea. Maybe that will work when you try to invade the US. Us fat, lazy Americans do love our cake.....
I like the panzer in a cake idea. Maybe that will work when you try to invade the US. Us fat, lazy Americans do love our cake.....
yeah, you will need SUPER artic equipment to invade sweden! It is sooo cold here!! like greenland! or...mexico in the summers! yeah!
Fritz: ahh another day in happy land! *BOOM*
what was that???
Hans: oh no...fucking shit! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
*everybody except Fritz runs away*
Fritz: what? WHAT IS IT?? i don't see anything, huh? what's that somethin small flying this way....hmm oh shit..MEATBALLS!*BAAM*!
urghh...wounded..soo cold...ahh the pain...
Hans rushes to Fritz
Hans: MEDIC! WE NEED A MEDIC! (or a cheff)
Fritz: it's *koff* no use...tell Olga that i won't be home..for supper...*dead*
Hans chakes his hands at the swedish army
YOU BASTARDS!!
on the other side of a swedish artillerists googles
Björn: ohh nice hit! Mamma Lena's köttbullar is soo good!
Leif: hmm but what is that German doing? waving his arms like that?
Björn: ohh he wants some to!
*BOOM*
Hans: uh oh I DON't WANNA DI*BAAM*
Fritz: ahh another day in happy land! *BOOM*
what was that???
Hans: oh no...fucking shit! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
*everybody except Fritz runs away*
Fritz: what? WHAT IS IT?? i don't see anything, huh? what's that somethin small flying this way....hmm oh shit..MEATBALLS!*BAAM*!
urghh...wounded..soo cold...ahh the pain...
Hans rushes to Fritz
Hans: MEDIC! WE NEED A MEDIC! (or a cheff)
Fritz: it's *koff* no use...tell Olga that i won't be home..for supper...*dead*
Hans chakes his hands at the swedish army
YOU BASTARDS!!
on the other side of a swedish artillerists googles
Björn: ohh nice hit! Mamma Lena's köttbullar is soo good!
Leif: hmm but what is that German doing? waving his arms like that?
Björn: ohh he wants some to!
*BOOM*
Hans: uh oh I DON't WANNA DI*BAAM*
Berlin July 1941
Four weary looking field marshals make their way to the Fuhrer’s study. A light dusting of sand trails behind them. Their faces are sun burnt and are in bad need of shaving.
Rommel: A month of digging in sand for weapons of mass destruction and all we find is oil!
Von Kluge: Ungh… next time we go into the desert, I’m not going. Everything I eat now either tastes like sand or Exxon.
Von Mastein: Yeah, how useless was that? Guderian was the lucky one, being ordered to take the Suez. He didn’t have to do any digging.
Guderian: Speak for yourself. Having to put up with British soldiers wasn’t a vacation you know. With my supplies cut we had to use our socks for toilet paper. (pulls up his slacks and shows off his bare ankles)
Von Kluge: Why does the desert have to have so much sand in it? Once that stuff gets into your shorts you start chaffing like mad.
Rommel: Never mind, lets just report in to the Fuhrer so I can go home and collapse somewhere, preferably on top of my wife.
Von Mastein: You’ll have to wait in line then!
Von Kluge: BURN!!! Good one Mastein!
Von Mastein: Thanks Klugey!
Guderian chuckles.
Kluge and Mastein, high five as Rommel glares at them.
Rommel: If I wasn’t so tired, I’d back my Panzer over you both. (he sighs and knocks on the door to the study. It is opened by Ribbentrop.)
Ribbentrop: Shh… The Fuhrer and Heir Georing are in the final stages of their Axis and Alllies simulation.
The four men look in as see Hitler and Georing madly rolling dice on the table and flicking chips and game pieces off the board.
Hitler: Defend damn you! Defend! When did you turn French on me??? (yells at the plastic panzer sitting on the map. He roll his dice) Ones again? Blast!
Georing: Woohoo! You lose your last panzer! Game over! Bragging rights are mine! (Starts doing a victory dance around the table) Can’t touch this! Du, du, du, du. Unh huh! Unh huh! (Moon walks)
Hitler: I don’t believe it. (he shakes his head looking down at the axis and allies board seeing the remnants of his German army be decimated by the Russian infantry piece sitting on a tall stack of chips) Looks up and sees the officers coming over.
Guderian, Kluge, Mastein, Rommel: Heil Hitler!
Hitler: Oh, you’re all back! Everyone come on over here and let me have a look at you. (eyes them all approvingly) A bit shabby but looking none worse for the ware. Haha! (high fives go all around.) You had me worried there for a while Heinz.
Guderian: Never give up! Never surrender! Never be Polish!
Hitler: Now you know why I love this guy! (wraps his arm around Guderian’s neck and give him a noogie) Haha! Thanks to you Germany now controls the Mediterranean! It’s like having your own private pond out back. Well, since everyone is here, lets get this briefing started. We’ve got a new agenda to cover.
Curious looks go round the room as Hitler walks up to the Axis and Allies board a sighs.
Hitler: As you can all see, Hermi and I have just finished with the latest battle simulation and I’m afraid to say that things look fairly grim.
The four field marshals look at the map with widening eyes.
Rommel: (an incredulous look is on his face) A war against Russia???
Kludge and Mastein look to each other worriedly then turn their attention to the Russian stack of troops on the game board.
Von Kluge: Um, mein Fuhrer, just how accurate is that simulation?
Hitler: Unfortunately, it’s the most accurate one we have to date.
Von Mastein: Hm… looks like all Russia really needs to do is just keep buying infantry each turn to throw in front of the German tanks.
Guderian: Hm… not good. A panzer can only run over so many infantrymen till body parts start to clog the exhaust.
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer, I beg you to please reconsider. I’m sure that I can find some diplomatic solution for Germany and Russia to co-exist together.
Hitler: It’s definitely a worrying situation for all of us Ribbi. But war with Russia is inevitable. (sighs) It’s because of that Stalin fellow. Can’t trust someone like him. Even if we did sign some sort of silly non-aggression pact, Stalin is the kind of bastard to screw you from behind and not even have the decency to give you a proper reach-around.
Everyone: …
Hitler: If we don’t attack first the he definitely will. These last five years have been a preparation for this great battle. A battle between the forces of Good and the forces of Evil!
Georing: (raises his hand) Um which side are we on?
Hitler: Um… That’s not important. What is important is that we need to be ready when the time comes to sucker punch them. So let’s get a run down on our forces. Hermi why don’t you start.
Georing: Sir, the Lufwaffa has maintained its air superiority over all of Europe! We are superior! We are the Master Air force!!! We have 8 squadrons jelly-roll fighters spread out along the northern providences as well as 12 tactical burger wings for ground support. 2 divisions of peper-troopers stand at constant alert in Berlin at all times.
Hitler: Good to hear Hermi. You skipped lunch today didn’t you?
Georing: (blinks) Yeah, how could you tell?
Hitler: Never mined. Kluge, how are our ground forces?
Von Kluge: Well, we have about 12 infantry divisions busy decorating the northern French beaches with barbed wire, land mines and dead Allied bodies. With 6 armor divisions to serve as emergency support. I hear that we’re almost finish building that Wet and Wild water park at Cherbourg too! 9 mountain divisions are stationed at Gibraltar. They are having a rip-roaring time rolling boulders off the cliffs to welcome the British Regulars trying to storm up the slops.
Von Kluge: We have 3 infantry divisions at Basra and Kuwait busy chucking Australians back into the Persian Gulf. And 6 motorized divisions have secured the Suez canal from attack.
Hitler: Excellent! But what about our forces bordering Russia?
Von Kluge: Our forces number 12 mechanized divisions with ART and 50 divisions of infantry with engineers attached. Our main atack strength comes from the 36 divisions of advanced medium panzers, also with engineers attached. So our total forces along the boarder are 98 divisions.
Hitler: Um… and how many do the Russians got?
Ribbentrop: At last count mein Fuhrer, almost 300 divisions of mixed infantry and armor.
Hitler: (face goes pale) I think i need to sit down...
Rommel: I would say that I’ve messed myself, but since I haven’t had a chance to change my underwear in a month, it doesn’t matter.
Ribbentrop: And their available manpower is very disconcerting.
Von Mastein: Look at these numbers… Russian women must be pretty damn fertile to produce that much manpower.
Georing: Must be something in the water there.
Von kluge: Actually it’s the vodka. What else are you going to do in Siberia during the middle of winter but drink and make little infantry men.
Ribbentrop: It will put a major strain on our industry to try and match those Russian numbers, mein Fuhrer. It might have been better to have put more resources toward production than research during the early years. I’m afraid we might have over teched.
Hitler: (whispers) How about the bigger dice Ribbi? How is the research going on that?
Ribbentrop: (whispers) Slowly I’m afraid, sir. The scientists are still working the Plutonium testing.
Hitler: (sighs) It’s too late to turn back the clock now, Ribbi. The only things that will save us from the Red menace is our superior quality of divisions and a better war strategy. We can only achieve this if we capture those computer programmers in Sweden! It’s time to initiate Operation Sea Monkey!
Rommel: Operation Sea Monkey, sir?
Hitler: Yes, an invasion of the Swedish homeland! I’m putting Kluge and Mastein in command of this one.
Von kluge and von Mastein: Score! (they high five again)
Hitler: Now don’t forget to bring your winter gear for the invasion.
Von Kluge: But it’s the middle of summer.
Hitler: Yeah, you better bring an extra sweater then. Now to get there, Admiral Raeder will be in command of the amphibious assault. Raeder you’ll have to trans-- (looks around the room) Hey, where’s Raeder?
Somewhere off the coast of Hamburg July 1941
A light ocean breeze blows across the blue waters as two figures contently sit in their little row boat riding the genteel ocean waves. They hold their fishing poles over the side as they munch on their sandwiches and sip on bottles of beer taken from the cooler.
Raeder: This was a great idea to go fishing, Doenitz. I’m glad you talked me into it. You know, after all my years serving in the navy, I’ve always been too busy to just sit back and enjoy the ocean like this.
Doenitz: Ha! The closest that I ever actually got to fishing was when a giant squid attacked my U-boat. We ate calamari for a week!
Raeder: (He sighs, and looks out over the waters of the deep blue) There isn’t really a point to attend the officer meetings any more. The Navy just isn’t a priority for the Fuhrer. With most of our budget cut, there just isn’t much we can do. I’ve always dreamed of Germany becoming a naval power to rival even the British, but I guess that won’t happen anytime soon. But still, a man can dream…
Doenitz: (nods his head) Yeah, they can’t take that away for you. Hey, want another beer?
Raeder: Oh! I got a nibble!
Doenitz: Well, reel it in!
Raeder: (struggling with the line) Gosh this one is a fighter! (lets the line out a little then quickly reels it back) Man, I think I got a shark or something! Or at the very least a Navy Seal! Quick! Give me a hand Karl!
Doenitz: I’m coming! Just hold on! (He fumbles putting his rod down then help Raeder pull the fish)
As the two tug, a huge blue marlin leaps out from the water pulling against them! The tug of war is too much for the poor fishing line ant it snaps. The two men tumble back into their dingy as the large fish returns to the waters.
Raeder: D-Did you see the size of that thing!?!?!
Doenitz: Haha! Too bad all you’ll have to show for it is a story about the one that got away.
Raeder: The hell I will!
Doenitz: Eh? (his eyes become as large as saucers as he sees Raeder pull out a signal light as starts to flash in Morse code. In the distance, the German Battleship, Scharnhorst receives the communication and immediately trains her guns in the fish’s direction and fires! The water explodes and chunks of fish rain dowm from over head.
Raeder: You know, we got to do this more often.
Four weary looking field marshals make their way to the Fuhrer’s study. A light dusting of sand trails behind them. Their faces are sun burnt and are in bad need of shaving.
Rommel: A month of digging in sand for weapons of mass destruction and all we find is oil!
Von Kluge: Ungh… next time we go into the desert, I’m not going. Everything I eat now either tastes like sand or Exxon.
Von Mastein: Yeah, how useless was that? Guderian was the lucky one, being ordered to take the Suez. He didn’t have to do any digging.
Guderian: Speak for yourself. Having to put up with British soldiers wasn’t a vacation you know. With my supplies cut we had to use our socks for toilet paper. (pulls up his slacks and shows off his bare ankles)
Von Kluge: Why does the desert have to have so much sand in it? Once that stuff gets into your shorts you start chaffing like mad.
Rommel: Never mind, lets just report in to the Fuhrer so I can go home and collapse somewhere, preferably on top of my wife.
Von Mastein: You’ll have to wait in line then!
Von Kluge: BURN!!! Good one Mastein!
Von Mastein: Thanks Klugey!
Guderian chuckles.
Kluge and Mastein, high five as Rommel glares at them.
Rommel: If I wasn’t so tired, I’d back my Panzer over you both. (he sighs and knocks on the door to the study. It is opened by Ribbentrop.)
Ribbentrop: Shh… The Fuhrer and Heir Georing are in the final stages of their Axis and Alllies simulation.
The four men look in as see Hitler and Georing madly rolling dice on the table and flicking chips and game pieces off the board.
Hitler: Defend damn you! Defend! When did you turn French on me??? (yells at the plastic panzer sitting on the map. He roll his dice) Ones again? Blast!
Georing: Woohoo! You lose your last panzer! Game over! Bragging rights are mine! (Starts doing a victory dance around the table) Can’t touch this! Du, du, du, du. Unh huh! Unh huh! (Moon walks)
Hitler: I don’t believe it. (he shakes his head looking down at the axis and allies board seeing the remnants of his German army be decimated by the Russian infantry piece sitting on a tall stack of chips) Looks up and sees the officers coming over.
Guderian, Kluge, Mastein, Rommel: Heil Hitler!
Hitler: Oh, you’re all back! Everyone come on over here and let me have a look at you. (eyes them all approvingly) A bit shabby but looking none worse for the ware. Haha! (high fives go all around.) You had me worried there for a while Heinz.
Guderian: Never give up! Never surrender! Never be Polish!
Hitler: Now you know why I love this guy! (wraps his arm around Guderian’s neck and give him a noogie) Haha! Thanks to you Germany now controls the Mediterranean! It’s like having your own private pond out back. Well, since everyone is here, lets get this briefing started. We’ve got a new agenda to cover.
Curious looks go round the room as Hitler walks up to the Axis and Allies board a sighs.
Hitler: As you can all see, Hermi and I have just finished with the latest battle simulation and I’m afraid to say that things look fairly grim.
The four field marshals look at the map with widening eyes.
Rommel: (an incredulous look is on his face) A war against Russia???
Kludge and Mastein look to each other worriedly then turn their attention to the Russian stack of troops on the game board.
Von Kluge: Um, mein Fuhrer, just how accurate is that simulation?
Hitler: Unfortunately, it’s the most accurate one we have to date.
Von Mastein: Hm… looks like all Russia really needs to do is just keep buying infantry each turn to throw in front of the German tanks.
Guderian: Hm… not good. A panzer can only run over so many infantrymen till body parts start to clog the exhaust.
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer, I beg you to please reconsider. I’m sure that I can find some diplomatic solution for Germany and Russia to co-exist together.
Hitler: It’s definitely a worrying situation for all of us Ribbi. But war with Russia is inevitable. (sighs) It’s because of that Stalin fellow. Can’t trust someone like him. Even if we did sign some sort of silly non-aggression pact, Stalin is the kind of bastard to screw you from behind and not even have the decency to give you a proper reach-around.
Everyone: …
Hitler: If we don’t attack first the he definitely will. These last five years have been a preparation for this great battle. A battle between the forces of Good and the forces of Evil!
Georing: (raises his hand) Um which side are we on?
Hitler: Um… That’s not important. What is important is that we need to be ready when the time comes to sucker punch them. So let’s get a run down on our forces. Hermi why don’t you start.
Georing: Sir, the Lufwaffa has maintained its air superiority over all of Europe! We are superior! We are the Master Air force!!! We have 8 squadrons jelly-roll fighters spread out along the northern providences as well as 12 tactical burger wings for ground support. 2 divisions of peper-troopers stand at constant alert in Berlin at all times.
Hitler: Good to hear Hermi. You skipped lunch today didn’t you?
Georing: (blinks) Yeah, how could you tell?
Hitler: Never mined. Kluge, how are our ground forces?
Von Kluge: Well, we have about 12 infantry divisions busy decorating the northern French beaches with barbed wire, land mines and dead Allied bodies. With 6 armor divisions to serve as emergency support. I hear that we’re almost finish building that Wet and Wild water park at Cherbourg too! 9 mountain divisions are stationed at Gibraltar. They are having a rip-roaring time rolling boulders off the cliffs to welcome the British Regulars trying to storm up the slops.
Von Kluge: We have 3 infantry divisions at Basra and Kuwait busy chucking Australians back into the Persian Gulf. And 6 motorized divisions have secured the Suez canal from attack.
Hitler: Excellent! But what about our forces bordering Russia?
Von Kluge: Our forces number 12 mechanized divisions with ART and 50 divisions of infantry with engineers attached. Our main atack strength comes from the 36 divisions of advanced medium panzers, also with engineers attached. So our total forces along the boarder are 98 divisions.
Hitler: Um… and how many do the Russians got?
Ribbentrop: At last count mein Fuhrer, almost 300 divisions of mixed infantry and armor.
Hitler: (face goes pale) I think i need to sit down...
Rommel: I would say that I’ve messed myself, but since I haven’t had a chance to change my underwear in a month, it doesn’t matter.
Ribbentrop: And their available manpower is very disconcerting.
Von Mastein: Look at these numbers… Russian women must be pretty damn fertile to produce that much manpower.
Georing: Must be something in the water there.
Von kluge: Actually it’s the vodka. What else are you going to do in Siberia during the middle of winter but drink and make little infantry men.
Ribbentrop: It will put a major strain on our industry to try and match those Russian numbers, mein Fuhrer. It might have been better to have put more resources toward production than research during the early years. I’m afraid we might have over teched.
Hitler: (whispers) How about the bigger dice Ribbi? How is the research going on that?
Ribbentrop: (whispers) Slowly I’m afraid, sir. The scientists are still working the Plutonium testing.
Hitler: (sighs) It’s too late to turn back the clock now, Ribbi. The only things that will save us from the Red menace is our superior quality of divisions and a better war strategy. We can only achieve this if we capture those computer programmers in Sweden! It’s time to initiate Operation Sea Monkey!
Rommel: Operation Sea Monkey, sir?
Hitler: Yes, an invasion of the Swedish homeland! I’m putting Kluge and Mastein in command of this one.
Von kluge and von Mastein: Score! (they high five again)
Hitler: Now don’t forget to bring your winter gear for the invasion.
Von Kluge: But it’s the middle of summer.
Hitler: Yeah, you better bring an extra sweater then. Now to get there, Admiral Raeder will be in command of the amphibious assault. Raeder you’ll have to trans-- (looks around the room) Hey, where’s Raeder?
Somewhere off the coast of Hamburg July 1941
A light ocean breeze blows across the blue waters as two figures contently sit in their little row boat riding the genteel ocean waves. They hold their fishing poles over the side as they munch on their sandwiches and sip on bottles of beer taken from the cooler.
Raeder: This was a great idea to go fishing, Doenitz. I’m glad you talked me into it. You know, after all my years serving in the navy, I’ve always been too busy to just sit back and enjoy the ocean like this.
Doenitz: Ha! The closest that I ever actually got to fishing was when a giant squid attacked my U-boat. We ate calamari for a week!
Raeder: (He sighs, and looks out over the waters of the deep blue) There isn’t really a point to attend the officer meetings any more. The Navy just isn’t a priority for the Fuhrer. With most of our budget cut, there just isn’t much we can do. I’ve always dreamed of Germany becoming a naval power to rival even the British, but I guess that won’t happen anytime soon. But still, a man can dream…
Doenitz: (nods his head) Yeah, they can’t take that away for you. Hey, want another beer?
Raeder: Oh! I got a nibble!
Doenitz: Well, reel it in!
Raeder: (struggling with the line) Gosh this one is a fighter! (lets the line out a little then quickly reels it back) Man, I think I got a shark or something! Or at the very least a Navy Seal! Quick! Give me a hand Karl!
Doenitz: I’m coming! Just hold on! (He fumbles putting his rod down then help Raeder pull the fish)
As the two tug, a huge blue marlin leaps out from the water pulling against them! The tug of war is too much for the poor fishing line ant it snaps. The two men tumble back into their dingy as the large fish returns to the waters.
Raeder: D-Did you see the size of that thing!?!?!
Doenitz: Haha! Too bad all you’ll have to show for it is a story about the one that got away.
Raeder: The hell I will!
Doenitz: Eh? (his eyes become as large as saucers as he sees Raeder pull out a signal light as starts to flash in Morse code. In the distance, the German Battleship, Scharnhorst receives the communication and immediately trains her guns in the fish’s direction and fires! The water explodes and chunks of fish rain dowm from over head.
Raeder: You know, we got to do this more often.
Hitler: Release? What is this talk about release? Germans do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake!
I love it! I've never heard a better description of getting software out the door. Or, in this case, software getting itself out the door!
I love it! I've never heard a better description of getting software out the door. Or, in this case, software getting itself out the door!
HAHA! This is great! If you abandon this AAR I'll... well... I can't really kill you, could I? Whatever....
Oh man, i think this is the best update so far. Keep em comin.
I cant stop laughing.
Good Lord! You can't be just an AAR writer. This is so funny. I just broke my stomach. Please stay with us. Promise you never leave. Gawd.. ur LOL
Berlin Hitler Youth Rally Late July 1941
In an effort to gain more manpower for the German military for the impending battle with Russia, Ribbentrop comes up with a brilliant plan to indoctrinate Germany’s youth into the Nazi party.
The auditorium is packed. Young children, boys and girls of all ages fill every seat and chair in the arena. Their little hands wave small flags of the swastika excitedly waiting for the Fuhrer to make his entrance onto the stage.
In the back of the stage, Ribbentrop takes a peek from behind the curtains and smiles.
Ribbentrop: Look at the turn out mein Fuhrer! You’ll be addressing a full house! This is the perfect type of atmospheres to begin instilling the youth with the glory of the Third Reich!
Hitler: (struggling to put on his lederhosen) Are you sure about this Ribbi? I feel ridiculous!
Ribbentrop: Don’t worry mein Fuhrer. Our research has shown us that children are more susceptible to psychological conditioning if they view you as a likeable friendly figure.
Hitler: Likeable and friendly? But, Ribbi I’m evil!
Ribbentrop: I know sir, which is why you’ll need all the help that you can get. So just to be sure they pay attention we’ve been passing out Riddilin telling them its candy. (the entrance music start to play. It is a happy catchy tune) You’re on sir. Break a leg!
The auditorium goes dark and the children go quiet with anticipation. Ribbentrop goes up to a microphone and speaks.
Ribbentrop: Boys and Girls, please put your hands together for our Fuhrer, Adolf the friendly purple dinosaur!
The kids cheer wildly as the lights return and Hitler waddles up on stage dressed in a purple dinosaur outfit wearing lederhosen with his face poking out from the creature’s open mouth. He waves at them.
Hitler: Hi Kids! Do you all know what time it is?
Children: It’s time for Adolf the Friendly Dinosaur’s youth rally!
Hitler: That’s right kids! Now lets all sing my Friendly Dinosaur song!
Music starts to play and all the children start to sing. On screen, propaganda films play showing Ju-88s dive-bombing runs with people running around on fire. Then scenes of Panzers appear rolling across the countryside destroying everything in their wake.
They all sing the Adolf Song:
I Heil you.
You Heil me.
That’s how you show you’re a good Nazi.
I’m you’re friendly Furhrer and that’s all you need to know.
We’re off to conquer the world, Come on, let’s go!
In an effort to gain more manpower for the German military for the impending battle with Russia, Ribbentrop comes up with a brilliant plan to indoctrinate Germany’s youth into the Nazi party.
The auditorium is packed. Young children, boys and girls of all ages fill every seat and chair in the arena. Their little hands wave small flags of the swastika excitedly waiting for the Fuhrer to make his entrance onto the stage.
In the back of the stage, Ribbentrop takes a peek from behind the curtains and smiles.
Ribbentrop: Look at the turn out mein Fuhrer! You’ll be addressing a full house! This is the perfect type of atmospheres to begin instilling the youth with the glory of the Third Reich!
Hitler: (struggling to put on his lederhosen) Are you sure about this Ribbi? I feel ridiculous!
Ribbentrop: Don’t worry mein Fuhrer. Our research has shown us that children are more susceptible to psychological conditioning if they view you as a likeable friendly figure.
Hitler: Likeable and friendly? But, Ribbi I’m evil!
Ribbentrop: I know sir, which is why you’ll need all the help that you can get. So just to be sure they pay attention we’ve been passing out Riddilin telling them its candy. (the entrance music start to play. It is a happy catchy tune) You’re on sir. Break a leg!
The auditorium goes dark and the children go quiet with anticipation. Ribbentrop goes up to a microphone and speaks.
Ribbentrop: Boys and Girls, please put your hands together for our Fuhrer, Adolf the friendly purple dinosaur!
The kids cheer wildly as the lights return and Hitler waddles up on stage dressed in a purple dinosaur outfit wearing lederhosen with his face poking out from the creature’s open mouth. He waves at them.
Hitler: Hi Kids! Do you all know what time it is?
Children: It’s time for Adolf the Friendly Dinosaur’s youth rally!
Hitler: That’s right kids! Now lets all sing my Friendly Dinosaur song!
Music starts to play and all the children start to sing. On screen, propaganda films play showing Ju-88s dive-bombing runs with people running around on fire. Then scenes of Panzers appear rolling across the countryside destroying everything in their wake.
They all sing the Adolf Song:
I Heil you.
You Heil me.
That’s how you show you’re a good Nazi.
I’m you’re friendly Furhrer and that’s all you need to know.
We’re off to conquer the world, Come on, let’s go!
