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The Crusader Mafia: a Neapolitan AAR

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As updates go this one is fairly uneventful. In any case, there isn't any glorious war. *looks at downcast faces all around room* Also, I changed Byzantium to semisalic primo so I won't unexpectedly inherit it, however if I'm really dedicated I can try.
The Crusader Mafia
Part 12- Lotus Elises?​
Part Twelve of our tale begins on May 15th, 1098, with the first ever Local Fair in Napoli, complete with "World's Largest Goat" competitions. The winner was a 550-pound goat from La Spezia who was later revealed to have eaten lead.
For the next few months, the Principality of Campania was completely free of interesting events, though its "sux3or" neighbors in the Duchy of Apulia lost another province to some sheikdom from North Africa.
On January 16th, 1099, Isaakios was fed up with the slow recruitment of soldiers in Napoli and ordered the construction of a Training Ground for more efficient arming of fodd- brave soldiers for the Principality!
On April 18th, 1099, another advance in Napoli- the "salt refinery." What does it do?
Neapolitan "Researcher": Apparently it makes salt more refined, with better sound deadening, floor mats, and leather seating.
Neapolitan "Researcher" #2: I'm sorry. My colleague appears to have mistaken the salt refinery for the "touring package" on a Lotus Elise.
Keep up the good work, eggheads.
Anyway, on August 9th Prince Isaakios and his wife Maria are expecting a child. This might not be good, as if it's a son, rule will pass to a child rather than someone partially competent.
On November 16th, 1099, the Training Ground, a.k.a Cannon Fodder Recruitment Center -oops, did I say that aloud?- is completed in Napoli.
On December 9th, a terrifying ACT OF GOD™ befalls Prince Isaakios Spartenos. Specifically, a giant F12 key falls on his head and kills him. (1)
His heir is the competent, non-diseased Alexandros Spartenos, previously Count of Bari.
He is actually able to rule more than one province at once, which is very nice indeed. Unfortunately, he brought another court with him, making the number of Campanian courtiers approximately 40,000.
Neapolitan "Researcher": Incidentally, the approximate base cost in U.S. dollars for a Lotus Elise.
Neapolitan "Researcher" #2: Shut up!
The new century, as well as the new monarch, get off to a good start on February 15th, 1100, with the foundation dug for a library in Bari, now under the direct control of the Principality. Alexandros took some persuading.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: So, what are the benefits of giving the populace something to read?
Advisor: Well, people will borrow books to read at home. If they don't bring them back on time, we'll charge a late fee, which means more cash for us. In addition, our neighbors will see us with lots of books and think we're very learned and cultured, making us look prestigious.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: I see.... sounds like a good idea.
Advisor: Also, the sight of literate people might scare the Scotsmen out of nearby Taranto.
von Loch Ness: Hey!
On June 5th, 1100, Eudokia Spartenos recovers from her depression. Which definitely has to be a first for this game.
Two months later, a False Complot (2) makes a vassal (Consenza) join my cause. That went way over my head.
On January 1st, 1101, a message from the Papal State to the north reaches the court of Campania.
Messenger: The Pope has called to arms against the infidel! To battle!
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: So?
Messenger: Are you defying the Holy Catholic Church and the word of God?
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: The key word there being Catholic. We sorta follow the Patriarch in Constantinople.
Messenger: Oh.
In February, 11-year-old Semne Glabas becomes schizophrenic. I don't know what this game is trying to tell me, but I don't think it's good.
On February 16th, 1101, the Bari Library of Extreme Literacy and Coolness is completed.
On April 25th, 1101, the clergy come to Prince Alexandros and demand an end to commerce in church squares. Prince Alexandros accedes to the demand, mainly because denying it would result in his piety dropping from "Not Practicing Enough" to downright "Atheist."
And now a rhetorical question. Is there enough BS in the world? Well, there's probably far too much, but not in Salerno on June 21st, where a lack of manure hurts farming and reduces prosperity.
Partial compensation for this is the spread of the Charcoal Invasion to Salerno on September 9th. Again, this somehow allows mines, so construction soon commences.
On October 12th, 1101, Prince Alexandros and his wife Arevig are expecting a child. This is the last significant item of Part 12.

Footnotes:
(1) Yeah, his low skills were such a pain that I took matters into my own hands and bumped him off.
(2) What the heck is a False Complot?
 
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That sounds like a drop-dead library you've built in Bari. Those Scotsmen must be shaking in their boots... :D

Taranto Scot #1: Hey Jimmy, did ye hear whut thay Campanians huv been buildin' in Bari?
Taranto Scot #2: Whit's that, Jock?
Taranto Scot #1: A librayJimmy - Ah mean, wid ye credit it?
Taranto Scot #2: Jings, an' help ma boab, Jock - if that's whit things are cummin' tae aroon' here Ah'm off back tae Glesgae.
Taranto Scot #1: Me an' aw, Jimmy. Ye willnae catch Glesgae Toon Cooncil buildin' librays, that's furr sure.
Taranto Scot #2: Dead right, ken.
 
Feeding the goat lead...that has to be the oldest trick in the book. Can't be good for the poor goat, either.

A false complot is a special time in a young man's life when he starts to notice changes...I could be wrong about this.

More good stuff, now put the cannon fodder heroes to work!
 
Hello again.
Farquharson: :rofl: I think the Scotsmen are still in Calabria because the Italian diplomats can't understand them.....
J. Passepartout: Good to see you reading this, but I think the Lotus Elise is sold out for two years in the U.S... good car though.
Paranoid Tsar: I think you are wrong about that.

The Crusader Mafia
Part 13- Mad Mad World​
Our update containing an unlucky number starts with the beginning of construction on a "small castle" in Napoli on February 19th, as apparently the latest and greatest technology in fortification is a big, labor-intensive pile of rocks to hide behind.
On April 19th, 1102, Eudokia Spartenos takes an interest in religion. Whatever....
And on May 28th, the Neapolitan "Researchers" began to contemplate how to better complete sieges.
Neapolitan "Researcher": Hmmm.... besides having a bunch of men pound on the door with a big stick, what other things might make it easier to get inside a fortified wall?
Neapolitan "Researcher" #2: How about climbing up with a ladder?
Neapolitan "Researcher": Brilliant!
Er...... whatever.
Anyway, on June 20th, 1102, Prince Alexandros and Arevig had a son. He was named Konstantinos.
On September 9th, the stress of 11-year-old Sofia Spartenos degenerated into MADNESS!
Sofia Spartenos: Muahahahahahahah! I will RULE THE WORLD!
It's possible that Sofia Spartenos was simply an earlier incarnation of Hilary Clinton.
On October 30th, the I. Got Mine was completed in Salerno. It was also known as the mine of stupid puns.
On March 28th, 1103, Sofia Spartenos was implicated in the death of multiple pets, and Who's Who in Southern Italian Feudal Courts listed her as "cruel." Yup, she's an incarnation of Hilary Clinton all right.
On June 8th, 1103, a forestry is started in Salerno. Perhaps influenced by Sofia Spartenos, one forester commented "TIMBER!"
On November 21st, 1103, the new castle in Napoli was completed. Prince Alexandros showed it off to all the other nobles, increasing his prestige.
On December 8th, that impossibly annoying event about a friend committing a petty wrong fires. I am sick of that thing.
On February 7th, 1104, Eudokia Spartenos began her court education.
At 8:00 AM on March 26th, 1104, dozens of monks came running across the countryside of Napoli. They assembled at a church and began hitting their heads with boards in unison.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: What are they doing?
Clergyman: Monastic schools.
Perhaps inspired by this, construction of a school began on April 4th.
Six days later, Siligno Arianites died of illness. This would not normally be worth mentioning, except for one thing. She had pneumonia and intestinal worms. The surprise is that she survived so long.
On June 9th, the forestry in Salerno is completed, and so is this update.
 
Don't knock those Neapolitan Researchers - that sort of leap forward obviously requires ladderal thinking...

(Hey don't blame me I found it lying around near this mine - obviously discarded slag! :D )
 
Part 14 later tonight........ don't lose interest.
 
The Crusader Mafia
Part 14- Wow, it's part 14​
We return to a prosperous principality of six provinces, still vassal to the Eastern Romans of Constantinople.
The first significant occurance is on September 14th, 1104, when increased land productivity makes Bari more prosperous.
On December 7th, 1104, the notion of Divine Duty spreads throughout Salerno. As I recall, this is the idea that peasants have a divine duty to toil their entire lives while giving away the fruits of their labors. Sucks to be you, peasants.
On February 1st, 1105, Prince Alexandros Spartenos notices a trend in his son's activity.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: I have observed that you seem to enjoy running horses hard through the woods.
Andronikos Spartenos: Yes, it's all part of the grand plan... you will see, yes you will.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Forget it...
On February 3rd, the Neapolitan Plain and Boring School (1) was completed. Few noticed, except Alexandros, who showed it off as proof of his realm's sophistication and gained prestige.
On February 10th, 1105, Konstantinos Spartenos was diagnosed with an intestinal worm. At age two. That's gotta bite.
Seventeen days later, Salerno soldiers discovered the handaxe.
Soldier: Now you too can impersonate hairy axe-wielding midgets!
In Spring 1105, the Spartenos family loses another small child to stress symptoms, this one Nikaia Spartenos, the Prince's daughter.
On October 30th, 1105, Nuraddin Sheik of Orania awakes to find the head of his favorite wife in his bed, with a note attached.
To the Sheik Nuraddin:
Expect an invasion from Napoli. Your allies will be no help. We have brought Byzantium along.
-Prince Alexandros Spartenos
Prince and Crime Boss of Campania and Benevento, Count and Street Tough of Napoli, Salerno, and Bari
The same day, all the soldiers under the direct command of Prince Alexandros, about 2,000 in total, were swiftly mobilized. He shelled out the fairly high sea transport fees and shipped them to Orania, where on January 10th a landing commenced and battle began. The Sheik's 902 men were badly outnumbered, but elements held out until February 11th, 1106, at which point siege commenced.
Despite mutual enmity and the stiff resistance put up by the Moslems, Alexandros pushed the siege through rapidly. The province was won on April 5th, 1106, rendering the Byzantine Imperial troops landing in North Africa soon after irrelevant.
The war's rapid success was depressing to Nikaia Spartenos, though. Why is really anyone's guess.
On May 28th, 1106, Prince Alexandros was bothered by a pretty wench. He dealt with this in a clever fashion.
Pretty Wench: *bats eyelashes etc.* So.... want to slip into something more comfortable?
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: No, I would actually like to talk about the relative merits of automated sequential manual transmissions versus traditional stick shifts.
Pretty Wench: Gah! *flees room*
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Works every time.....
On July 15th, 1106, construction of a monastery was begun in Orania, to persuade the heathens of their erroneous ways and also make Alexandros look more Christian.
On August 28th, 1106, the miners in Napoli discover a rich vein, making the province more prosperous.
On May 6th, 1107, Salerno soldiers reached out to their vertically challenged and created a shorter sword that would be easier for tiny people to use.
On June 5th, Prince Alexandros refuses to assent to a burgher demand for higher city law status, mainly due to image problems in the Christian world that accepting the demand might bring.
Ten days later, Arevig is expecting another child. This is unrelated to the previous item.
On June 19th, the Salerno municipal construction department finally learns how to build a road. A day later, construction of a road network begins in the province.
On September 7th, a marriage between a Campania courtier and some dude from Dorostotum is arranged.

Footnotes:
(1) Seriously, the building that shows up in the screen is very bland indeed.
 
Oh great fun. You do seem to have a something of a epidemic of depression though - perhaps your courtiers need a little bit of fizz in their lives?
 
I have a feeling the pretty wench drives a stick. :D

With your midget axe men and short sword soldiers you've got a lot of potential for an entire army of vertically challenged tough guys.

Looking forward to the next update!
 
Thanks for your comments.... and now....
The Crusader Mafia
Part 15- Attack of the 7 Liberal Goats (1)​
Our tale begins anew in January, 1108. On the eighth day of that month, Prince Alexandros' son Andronikos finds a traveler and takes him for a mentor. The Prince himself isn't terribly concerned by this, since his wife is pregnant and two months later gives birth to a daughter, named Xanthe. She would later grow up to star in a video game, due to the fact she had an exotic name beginning with the letter "x."
Anyway, on April 15th the monastery opens in Orania, to a rather unenthusiastic reception owing to the fact Orania is Moslem.
A month later, Eudokia Spartenos finishes her schooling, becoming a "grey eminence" with a diplomatic skill of 15.
On May 21st, 1108, Orania gains the advance of a "three field system," which tiny Christian minds are unable to comprehend.
Said Christian minds do know that skilled lobbying by the timber industry allowed a sawmill to be begun in Salerno on May 26th, just six days after a highway system was completed in that province.
Anyway, on August 19th, 1108, Nikaia Spartenos recovered from her depression.
Nikaia Spartenos: What's that?
Person: A video game.
Nikaia Spartenos: All my problems are over.
Er... that wasn't very good.
Attempt 2:
Nikaia Spartenos: WEEEEE! I'M HAPPY NOW!
Screw that, we'll talk about SHORTSWORDS!
Specifically, the technology spread to Napoli on September 18th.
Speaking of technology spread, Salerno unlocked the mystery of salt refineries on October 15th.
On December 15th, 1108, construction of another library begins in Orania.
On January 16th, 1109, Salerno became more prosperous, as the local Marshes and Fens National Park was drained for a strip mall.
On February 9th, 1109, Andronikos Spartenos was granted his own county and court, mainly because he was becoming an annoying teenager.
Andronikos Spartenos: Dad! Can I have this Porsche Carrera when I turn 16?
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: No.
Andronikos Spartenos: How about a Triumph Rocket 3 motorcycle?
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Look, I'll make you count of Bari if you just SHUT UP!
And it was good....
On March 16th, Prince Alexandros Spartenos notes the weakened two-province state of Apulia and grabs the title Count of Malta. No war yet, though, as the time isn't quite right until Byzantium is busy.
On March 21st, Konstantinos Spartenos is labeled as "vengeful" by his teachers. Apparently, ten days after a playfellow threw a pencil at him, he set the boy's desk on fire.
On May 19th, 1101, "Gray Eminence" Eudokia Spartenos marries the 12-diplomatic-skill Isaakios Arianites, the aim being a race of super-diplomats capable of world conquest.
On May 30th, Prince Alexandros' son Konstantinos died of illness.
On October 16th, the Oranian City Library was finished.
On December 26th, 1109, the sawmill in Salerno was finished.
All this evidence that an advanced civilization exists in southern Italy scares away the Scotsmen in Taranto, who finally end their occupation.
Nothing happens in 1110 until October 16th, with the discovery of apostolic poverty in Napoli.
Just 3 days later, typhoid spreads to the province and the whole place gets sick. Joy.
On November 30th, 1110, Salerno discovers the "slinged javelin." (2)
On January 9th, 1111, the typhoid-stricken populace of Napoli turns to the seven liberal arts for solace. It doesn't help, but it does influence the Seven Liberal Goats, who travel to Salerno and spread the advance of domesticated goats, as well as advocating nationalized health care.
On June 10th, 1111, Napoli discovers the longbow.
On August 12th, the constant travel of "bring out your dead" carts depressed Arevig, wife of Prince Alexandros, who thought the Monty Python jokes in this AAR were getting out of hand.
On September 23rd, lack of manure hurts farming in Salerno. Again.
Perhaps this is balanced by the Reclaimed Wastlelands and Forests in Orania, which becomes prosperous.

Footnotes:
(1) Yeah, that title got your attention, right? My plan is succeeding.
(2) Apparently in the "crossbow" advance path for some reason.
 
I can't believe the Scots just up and vanished! And I don't know why Arevig is getting depressed - it is impossible to have too many Monty Python references.

J. Passepartout said:
Hmmm, seven liberal goats...

Andronikos sounds annoying, but you should have disciplined him. Bribing off your children never works, it only makes them worse.
Click to expand...

It almost sounds as if you know from experience ;)
 
I'd like to see more short sword discussions, personally. ;)

I hope no one feeds the liberal goats lead like that last one.

Looking forward to more!
 
The Crusader Mafia
Part 16- A.I.- Don't let it happen to you​
1112 arrived with boredom. There wasn't much going on in the hideout of the Prince of Campania. Which meant INTRIGUE! To the east of the Principality of Campania's new holding Orania was the four-province Kingdom of Hammadid. Its coastal holdings, Al Djazair and Beni Yanni, looked very tempting indeed. To get rid of the kingdom's allies, Prince Alexandros ordered an assasination of the King on May 13th, 1112. Unfortunately, the effort to murder him with a pencil eraser failed, luckily without discovery. But the Hammadidis felt the need to try and hit back, attempting to kill Alexandros' daughter Eudoxia.
Prince Alexandros didn't want to go to war just yet, but the fear of a covert assassination-war forced his hand. In July, he gathered armies to the tune of 2,805 men. Smelling war-profiteering opportunities, moneylenders gathered in Orania. Hostilities began on September 24th, 1112, with the entire Oranian army marching to Al Djazair. Battle began there and lasted until October 28th, with the destruction of the opposing Moslems. A siege began, and concluded on December 5th. This meant a march to Beni Yanni, which fell on February 5th, 1113. Stunned by the Campanian blitzkrieg, the Kingdom of Hammadid agreed to peace on February 23rd.
Turning to domestic affairs, the video-game-star-in-making (1) Xanthe Spartenos received a court education in August. And the County of Consenza attacked the Sheikdoms of Mzab and Kablia for no clear reason.
Anyway, in September 1113, Prince Alexandros traveled to mighty Constantinople (2) to negotiate with the Emperor.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Good evening, my liege.
Emperor Theodoros Paleologus: Likewise. What is your reason for coming to the Eternal City?
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Are you sure it's eternal? As I recall, it gets sacked by Turks in 1453.
Emperor Theodoros Paleologus: Turks? Where? Help! *hides under table*
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Nowhere close, my lord. That was a theoretical situation. You'll be dead by 1453 anyway.
Emperor Theodoros Paleologus: Phew! *comes out from under table*
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Anyway. Our religion, Greek Orthodoxy, is beset on all sides. Catholics. Pagans. Moslems. Freemasons. Mimes. Yodelers.
A Freemason: Okay then. You won't learn the handshake.
Emperor Theodoros Paleologus: Okay, I understood the first three. Then you got carried away.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Sorry. Anyway. To deal with the Moslem threat, I would be willing to give you all Campanian holdings in North Africa, since they are giving me a demense penalty. From there, your majesty can sweep heathens from the area that once belonged to Rome!
Emperor Theodoros Paleologus: Great idea. Do you want anything in return?
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Only Palermo and Siracusa.
Emperor Theodoros Paleologus: Done. Gotta go, my empire is having a civil war. (3)
On October 12th, Prince Alexandros returned to Salerno to find himself going bankrupt from army maintanence costs. So the army was disbanded despite the ongoing "Insignificant Sheikdom War."
On December 3rd, the Neapolitan "Researchers" discovered the "stonepit." I am not sure what mental leaps this requires, but hey, I'm no "researcher."
On January 10th, 1114, the citizens in newly acquired Palermo discovered the battering ram.
On February 5th, a dreaded invasion spread to Salerno.
Advisor: My liege, we're under attack!
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: From whom?
Advisor: Chickens.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Mmmmm.....KFC.....
Advisor: That hasn't been discovered yet.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: Oh.
After this, little of importance occured in Campania itself, but the world around it was a mess. Byzantium's vassals were in revolt. The one that most interested the Campanians was Agrigento, as it was right next to them in Sicily. Unfortunately, they refused to become vassals.
On September 1st, 1114, Napoli discovered Minor Merchant Houses. This was a relief to many minor merchants, who had previously been sleeping in cardboard boxes on the street.
Later that month, Palermo discovered the wonders of the handaxe.
On October 7th, 1114, Salerno discovered the seven liberal arts. The existing seven conservative arts accused them of being "commies."
In Palermo, the local peasants were getting smarter.
Palermo Peasant: I think this wood plough would work better if it were iron edged.
Palermo Peasant #2: You have a good point.
Palermo Noble: You guys aren't supposed to think!
On October 30th, Eudoxia Spartenos' interest in wild parties was moderated by her December 8th marriage to Theodoros Glabas, the local religious conservative.
Theodoros Glabas: Let the eaaaaaaaggggggle soar! Like she's never sooooooaaaaaaaared before!
Eudoxia Spartenos: I am never going to a party with him again.
It's possible Eudoxia's new husband was an earlier incarnation of John Ashcroft, former U.S. attorney general. (4)
On December 28th, 1114, ascetism spread to Siracusa.
Person in Siracusa: What the heck is ascetism? Send it back, we don't know what it is.
Two days later, the typhoid that had been such a pain in Napoli retreated.
On February 5th, 1115, Eudokia Spartenos, the Prince's oldest daughter, had a stillborn child.
On June 30th, the extensive road network in Salerno commissioned while Prince Alexandros was gone finished up.
Prince Alexandros Spartenos: I'm on the highway to hell...
On November 16th, 1115, Salerno discovered the secrets of shooting fish in a barrel, throwing baseballs through hoops, taking hayrides, and selling chickens. In other words, they discovered the local fair.
1116 sees the end of part 16.

Footnotes:
(1) That phrase has too many hyphens.
(2) I revoked/granted a bunch of titles as Byzantium for this.
(3) Seriously, Byzantium started disintegrating when I was swapping provinces. This does not reflect upon my skill as a player in any way..... or does it?
(4) If you don't understand this, the American attorney general once sang in a similar manner. It was frightening. Would have killed any wild party.
 
Again I chortled may way through this one. Good work.
 
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