The Columns of Berenguerr

[unmerged(28894)]

Prior to becoming an MGA and after abandoning his attempt to construct a career for himself in academia, Berenguerr worked at the Spalding docks, supplementing his income by contributing to a number of radical newsheets.

Being possessed of a talent for invective, rancor and yellow journalism, his reputation grew and proceeds from articles became an increasingly large part of his earnings. He is a columnist for the Spalding Gazette, wrote articles for the journals of a great many extreme-leftist parties before being expelled from them (mostly for using the articles as a platform to berate the parties for what he perceived to be their flaws) and on occasion he managed to get articles taken up by the Worker.

His latest column

Why I joined the ELP

I was not enthused by the ELP when it formed. Certainly, it was the most left-wing party, but that can mostly be put down to their opponents. It was an uncomfortable mixture of moderate and socialist, which I felt sure would not last long.

I was wrong. Today I believe the ELP is the most effective party in the GA, with a bright future ahead of it at the next election. As I ought to believe, having recently joined it. Allow me, if you will, to tell you why.

The first thing to be considered is the alternatives. I don't think many will demur when I say that the MRP is not a party in any real sense of the word. It is merely a place for John O'Floinn to store his ego. He's been a central figure in Eutopian politics for as long as I can remember. This is his fault, and until he apologises he won't have my respect.

The PoL is certainly an active party, especially Colin Leary. Leary's been the most dynamic politician this term by a country mile. But I'm not so sure about the party's name. Certainly, they stand for liberty, but whose? If the changes he made to the Worker's Bill of Rights, which are clearly not as far as he'd have liked to go, he stands for liberty for the employer to do what he likes with the employee. He'd not stand in your way if you want to smoke marijuana, but he'd not stand in the way of your boss if he wanted to sack you on a personal whim. Behind the projected image of enviromentalism and social liberalism, there is a clenched fist ready to smack down the common man if he demands a better deal for himself.

And as for the ENP? If the PoL stands for the clenched fist, the ENP stands for the jackboot to kick you when you're down. God alone knows what their dissident Young Turks dream of. Public hanging of adulteresses and the death penalty for strikers, no doubt. Zhoyhken's not that mad, but anybody who thinks that his veto of the CEA stemmed from concern about job losses could really do to be introduced to the real world. Zhoykhen, much like Leary, worships at the temple of foreign investment. He wants us to be another Taiwan, with a powerhouse economy, a sweatshop in every street and as many disappeared trade unionists as he can get away with. And the party's militarists? They want Tsarist Russia, 1913. I'm never sure whether to find them laughable or scary.

I don't say the ELP is perfect, but importantly it isn't John O'Floinn, the PoL or the ENP. Per Park has been a voice of sane moderation in the GA this term, prepared to compromise on details but still standing up for the essence of party policy. He's acted in the true spirit of Christian responsibility. Per Gonzov has kept the flag flying for radicalism, but with argument rather than unreasoned intransigence. Per Jones has been in his job only a few weeks, but has already proposed the best piece of legislation seen this term.

Moreover it's been the ELP which has acted most effectively when trouble's struck. When Amric al-'Aeshir abandoned his workers, the ELP stood by them. When the explosion occurred at Longarm, the ELP asked the questions that needed asking.

And most importantly, the ELP has kept its internal cohesion. So have the MRP and PoL, but O'Floinn can hardly be applauded for not getting schizophrenia and Leary's nearly as dominant in the PoL. Whereas figures as disparate as Braxton and Gonzov have stayed in broad agreement. It hasn't moved mountains, but it doesn't have the power to do so. The Right has been in the ascendant. They've at least stopped it damaging the country too much and in the meantime they've got through several bits of worthy legislation of their own.

The ELP have shown themselves to be the most effective party in politics. If given the chance to act as the party of government rather than opposition next term, I'm sure they'll achieve wonders. That's what I joined to be part of."

 

[unmerged(28894)]

"So it's an election season, and you know what that means. Bluster, double-dealing, misrepresentations and plain old lying are no longer just games, they're now a way of life. This is the first general election campaign I've fought and I'm certain of got much to learn about the best way to do it. On the other hand, the past week has given me some very good role-models on how not to do it.

We can largely ignore the PEL here. They're just learning too and not doing half badly. Sure, claiming to be the anti-establishment party fighting for the little guy doesn't mesh well with a platform that's practically a love letter to big business and a manic desire to starve a hobo to death, but credit where credit is due: they do demagogy well.

The Party of Liberty also know what they're about, which as the similarity of their names suggest is basically being the PEL but less openly. They've made occasional slip-ups, granted. Colin Leary's plans for tax cuts are vague. Why? Because the numbers aren't going to work. There are many more tax payers in the lower bands that in the upper. Unless you want to slash services you can only make the poor pay less if the rich pay much more. So of course when the PoL talk about releasing 'individuals from the tutelage of the state' they mean closing your local hospital, but Leary's bright enough not to tell you that until after you vote for him.

Then there are the attack ads. As any fule kno, these are mostly an ENP phenomenon, but prior to his present crisis of identity, Per Zhoykhen was of that group. Which perhaps explains why my party mates apparently 'punish those of ability and reward laziness.' I beg to differ, we have done our level best to punish him whenever the opportunity arose. He's also convinced we are consumed by hatred of profit-making enterprises. Now it's true I have half a dozen dismembered stockbrokers in my cupboard, but many of my colleagues have only one or two, and some don't even have any. Besides, it's hardly party policy, merely a hobby. The only hatred of profit-making enterprises I've seen this term has been his veto of legislation which would have allowed citizens to buy a house and in return grant the government a tidy sum in interest.

Still, Zhoykhen is essentially a reasonable man. He knows what truth is, and which landfill he left it in. I've not sure Per von Hapsburg does. He has the worrying appearance of a man who actually believes the tripe he spouts. Seemingly failing to realise that education is free, and certainly not a federal issue, he proposes giving that to our citizens free INSTEAD of welfare. Sorry, you can't eat an economics textbook. Believe me, I tried. It only becomes edible if you marinate it extensively, and even that only works for paperbacks. Long story.

He claims we oppose tax cuts, seemingly ignoring Minister Jones' planned tax cuts this term. Of course, that's hardly unique. Many politicians seem to have short memories. What's more worrying is his open enthusiasm for the rarely lamented Levarge. What's more worrying is his claim that we cannot be a party of the working class because we're not homophobic bigots. What's more worrying is his enthusiasm to rush into a war with Tilapia that nobody wants, to do something still unclear. What's still more worrying is that I've been informed by military men that our military is not likely to be able to win such a war.

But of course, if you really want to be worried, you have to think of what he'd do if he got into power.

And as it so happens, now is the time to panic. I have in my possession a first draft of Francis von Hapsburg's plan for the Presidency for term XIV. Obviously I can't promise each of these features will survive into the final draft, but you'd be hard-pressed to convince me that the general spirit won't remain.

Term XIV: Painstakingly trying to reinact Revelations

Month 1: Declare war on Tilapia. For good measure, declare war on St. Esprit

Month 2: Increase military funding 500%, draft all doctors.

Month 3: Conscript every able-bodied man between the ages of 6 and 60. Depute them to hunt down ever homosexual on the island.

Month 5: Institute a flat tax of 0%.

Month 7: Announce the closing down of the national rail network. Try to use rails to make a railgun.

Month 8: Fire scientific advisors when informed that's not how railguns work.

Month 9: Recognise independence of New Bengal. Declare war on it.

Month 11: This seems like a nice time for a cavalry charge, don't you think?

Month 14: Declare Eutopia a monarchy. To celebrate, declare war on France.

Month 17: Add 'being poor' to the list of actions that constitute treason. If they're not rich by now, they're clearly seditious fools.

Month 18: Send ultimatum to third world: get some money or we declare war on you.

Month 19: Godless commies, the lot of them.

Month 21: Exhume Levarge, make him Vice-President.

Month 22: Momentarily doubting commitment to true Eutopian values, challenge self to a duel.

Months 23-29: Recover from gunshot wounds to kidneys, liver, frontal lobes and scotch cabinet.

Month 31: Are we at war with China yet? Why not?

Month 32: Encourage businesses to come to Eutopia by offering to pay them as much again as they make in profits. Make attempts to unionise punishable by crucifixion.

Month 33: Let's all have a jolly tea party. And declare war on America! We will achieve the boundaries of greater Eutopia in my term!

Month 35: Wives to become the property of their husbands. Failing to have a child by 22 to be punished by 12 years in prison.

Month 36: Re-elected in landslide.

Interesting and entirely genuine reading, huh? So remember, vote for Eutopian values."

 

[unmerged(28894)]

"I am not, it is true, the most taciturn man you will ever meet. I find it very hard to keep promises to only write a little. Nevertheless, in this case, there simply isn't much to say.

We in the ELP have been accused of blackmailing the people by declaring we would not support any Speaker who did not take action on the measures which were important to us. However, the previous Speaker election had collapsed due to a failure of either candidate to obtain enough votes. We are no more to blame for Per Lucescu's failure to win than are the ENP. We are also absolutely entitled to demand the best deal for the Eutopian people we can achieve.

I say to the wavering vote, your choicre is simple - do you vote for a party prepared to use every weapon at its disposal in the GA to further your interests, or do you vote for a party that disguises its weakness with wild shouts of blackmail?"

 

[unmerged(28894)]

"I don't think with any interest in politics who hasn't been forced to hear about the Speaker elections debacle in the minutest detail, and how this was apparently an attempt by the ELP to bring the GA to a halt.

With that in mind, isn't it funny how the ENP and PoL are currently trying to close the GA, like the upstanding democratic paragons they are?

 

[unmerged(28894)]

"Once again, I've been lying and scaremongering, as is my wont. I had the temerity to suggest that outsourcing and privatisation are essentially the same thing. The magnitude of my sin has been made clear to me, so I'm off to commit seppuku. Sorry about that.

Of course, he still hasn't explained why business would want the business of his prospective UEO outsourced to them. Businesses exist to make a profit, and there is no way that they can do so with the UEO.

Still, for all his youthful excess, Per Tulp matured to become a forthright, intelligent and eloquent pirate, so I'm sure he has a solution."

 

[unmerged(28894)]

"I'm glad to see the Per Asre, our recently disgraced attorney general, has inserted a note of dissent over the NBRA. Not because his comments are helpful, intelligent, well thought-out or possessed of the slightest shred of basic humanity, but because I love having the opportunity to berate pompous idiots, and Per Asre is so full of straw you could use him as a scarecrow.

Leaving aside the clear factual inaccuracies, such as his claim that Tilapia can afford carriers when in fact its military is to a great extent funded by Spain, or that a voluntary donation of $100000 by is a terrible and unjustified 'loss,' rather than a work of philanthropy which he has no right to criticise, Per Asre is still an unredeemable moron who was either drunk when he wrote his column or much stupider than even I had previously given him credit for.

If your neighbour's house is on fire, you do not quibble about cost. You put that fire out. When you consider our less than sparkling record on foreign policy, the open wish of some right-wing politicians for us to enter the war on the side of the insurgents on New Bengal, a good claim could be made that we need to do something selfless in the international arena for once. But more than that, I could not look myself in the face in the morning if I denied aid to the utterly devastated island of New Bengal and to the areas of Buen Puerto devastated by bombing, and I am far from alone in this.

New Bengal is a scar on the face of Eutopia, it was a modern warzone, and to bring security and prosperity back to the region, our aid is essential. This is not a fringe view, it is a view which has the support of the three main parties. In fact, it is an issue of such importance and universal agreement that I worked with Reverend Pollos, Per Asre's partymate and a man who agrees with me on very little that relates to politics, to draft an amendment to make sure this bill is the very best it can be.

Moreover, even if you want to look at this in a purely amoral way, repairing the damage of the Tilapian 'police action' is necessary. If the inhabitants of New Bengal have nothing but a life of poverty ahead of them, they will never be satisfied in Tilapia and fighting is likely to start once again. Similarly, if we ignore the camps on our land, we lay the groundwork for future social unrest from all our minorities and our disadvantaged.

Away in his ivory tower, or SAW holding cell, or wherever it is he now resides, Per Asre can criticise. But I challenge him, visit New Panjim, see the ruined streets and city blocks of what was once Nueva Cordoba, look at those wounded by the conflict, see the families who have lost their homes, see the inadequate medical care that is that can be provided without our funding, then say that spending money on aid is a waste of our tax dollars.

Of course, if he wants to prove he has any redeeming qualities at all, he could take back his massively ill-advised comments instead.

But of course, that's not all our resident crackpot said. Apparently, we are 'the primary nation of this island.' I'll be sure to ask the President to pass on the message to Tilapia and St. Esprit that we're better than them, but let's move on to examine his primary message.

In his juvenile dementia, Asre believes that stopping starvation and disease on this island is a waste of time. Instead we should buy guns. Big guns. Maybe a laser or two. And a super-battleship. I'll grant I'm putting words in his mouths, I don't know what pork-barrel project he favours, but it makes little difference. We don't need a big military.

Let's look at our neighbours. Tilapia has promised to match us dollar for dollar in cuts to defence spending. St Esprit has almost completely done away with its military without any noticeable adverse effects. I'm not entirely sure why we'd need a new flotilla of subs in either case, unless Per Asre is crazy enough to suggest that we should try to reunite this island by force. But let's be generous, let's assume his lobotomy didn't destroy his mental faculties that much. Perhaps he thinks that the threat comes from further away.

To the north, not even the most feverish lunatic believes that Iceland is a military threat to anybody, to the south I could make a similar comment about any menace the Azores might pose to us. To the east, Ireland hasn't been at war since it became independent, and it seems unlikely that it will change its habits, whilst Britain has no reason to act belligerently to us, provided we accept that our claim to the Bahamas is the most infantile piece of revanchist nonsense since Garibaldi's actions at the Cnservative Convention. To the south-west, Cuba is in too much internal turmoil to act outside its borders and it does not seem likely that they could have landed troops on our soil or that buying a new carrier would stop terrorism on our soil.

And to the west? There stands America. She may not much care about our form of government, having recognised Levarge, but she hardly seems likely to want to overthrow us, and even if she did we couldn't stop her. Whereas if anybody else attacked us, they would be interfering in America's sphere of influence, something they do not respond positively to, as anyone with the barest understanding of the Kennedy presidency knows.

So where is the threat coming from that necessitates a military build-up? Unless Per Asre has lost the ability to tell fact from fiction and believes Wyndham's The Kraken Wakes is gospel truth, I don't see how he can perceive an external threat to the UPE. Far more dangerous would be the internal threat of an over-powerful military, as recent experience shows.

 

[unmerged(28894)]

"Ian Asre is an objectionable little man of doubtful intelligence, integrity and decency, whose only answer to the New Bengal question is to suggest that we should have declared our support for the rebels and gone to war with Tilapia. Even disregarding the manifold military problems of winning such a war, that is hardly a solution. New Bengal has been at peace for some time now. The former leader of the resistance, Sanjay Rajuparry, is now the interim governor of the new province of New Bengal. He does not need us to send a flotilla to his aid. He needs our aid to rebuild the roads, the buildings, the schools and the houses destroyed in the fighting. He needs our aid to make sure that his people are sheltered come winter and that disease does not break out in the camps. He needs our aid to let a viable economy be created on New Bengal that will allow the region to subsist under its own steam.

I don't think he needs us to blame the Tilapians. It is done, the damage has been caused, throwing blame around is a waste of time. The people of New Bengal are getting on with their lives, I don't see why Ian Asre should spend his time obsessively trying to decide exactly when we should have sent in the tanks to take Capistrano.

If Ian Asre can name an area which is so desperately underfunded that it is the 'hole in the roof' he speaks of, I'm all ears. If on the other hand by that he means he wants a military 10 times as large as it needs to be, perhaps he should stop dismissing all my points simple as 'lies and propaganda' and start telling us exactly why he believes Iceland is going to invade us.

Let me be quite clear that I have no problem with the ENP. Per Asre can libel the ELP all he likes, I don't think his baseless accusations are going to convince anybody. However, I myself would like to thank those members of the ENP who have worked with me on the NBRA. I do not need to indulge in petty political point scoring. I'm occupying myself helping enact a bill that will herald a new era in the politics of this island, one where the various national groupings have stopped trying to put one over on each other and instead starting trying to make this island the best it can be for all of us.

Can Per Asre say the same?"